Texas GOP Candidate Spends His Days Talking To Donkeys, Which Is Still More Enlightening Than Talking To Rick Perry

Nothing screams leadership more than a man whose idea of an effective political ad campaign is to talk patriotism to a horde of dim, braying donkeys, also known as jackasses, as though they were good-for-nothing, godless socialist human welfare parasites, also known as gross poor people. Wait, or is it Democrats?

Amiright?

Thank Jesus GOP Texas congressional candidate, self-proclaimed Donkey Whisperer, and Rick Perry's one-time BFF/Secretary (of State), Roger Williams (not the important Roger Williams of 17th century religious freedom fame) understands what the American people want. No, no make that what the American people need, which is of course to be spoken to like some worthless beast of burden too dumb to even understand American English, the best, most God-blessed language to ever grace the Earth.

I mean, seriously, donkeys, Democrats, poor people, what's the difference? It's like splitting mares, err, hairs, I meant hairs!

"You're not a victim, you're a patriot, you're an opportunist," Williams tells his four-legged friends. "Let's take advantage of it, okay?"

Heee-haw! Heee-haw! Heee-haw!

"You know all these guys want is more shelter, they want more feed, yet the government is making it harder on me, taxing me to death, I can't afford to build that. When I don't build it, they think I owe it to them. See, all you guys want is a handout. I don't have something in it and now you're getting mad again. Years ago we didn't have this problem. But now it's just a hassle to get them to do anything."

Well, other than haul hundreds of pounds strapped to their backs up and down mountains all day long for mere peanuts hay, or if they're really lucky, their fave barley straw. Haha, they don't even get paid, the dumbasses!

"Don't turn your head, I know you're embarrassed because you're part of the problem, alright, but we can turn it around."

Ok, good because talking to herds of animals is probably not the healthiest hobby to have.

“These donkeys don’t live in the United States of France. They live in the United States of America!”

Oooh, but wherever is this “United States of France” he speaks of? Is it in Socialist Europe, like that other "France" we've heard of? Ya know, that snooty, war-hating country with an "elitist social safety net" and fields of fine wine-growing plants as far as the monocled eye can see, if it wasn't already smashed on Cabernet Sauvignon.

"They keep thinking that Obama's gonna to take care of them, Obama's gonna feed them. Obama's gonna build their barns. Look if I could get Obama out of health care that we're stuck with, I could do things. I could get these teeth fixed. But he's gotta get away, he's got to let me do the things I need to do."

Like, say, whisper sweet nothings to livestock?

"See those big ears? Still can't hear me."

Ugh, great so they're dumb and deaf now??

What an ass!

That Eeyore dude seems like a wonderful candidate though!