The Only Thing Scarier Than Ron Paul's Policies Is The Size Of A Certain Ron Paul Supporter

ARRRRRGGGHHHHH! KILL IT! KILL IT WITH FIRE!!

As if crazed crypt keeper/Libertarian Jesus Ron Paul and his fantasy vision of a post-apocalyptic American wasteland of small government and even smaller minds wasn't scary enough (umm, need I mention Rand?), the man who makes John McCain look young and stable by comparison went out and found himself the perfect foil to his own feeble, decrepit self: a real live freaking giant!

The preferred wingnut accompaniment to any second place victory speech, New Hampshire or elsewhere! Plus, what better way to return to the glorious gold standard and roving bands of toothless, heavily armed cannibals that is Ron Paul's America than your own personal workhorse, extra large enforcer, skilled beanstalk climber, portable chair lift, and ready-made meal, in case of emergency, like say a Ron Paul presidency. Cause you know it's not just muscle on those jumbo size bones!

So hooray for Ron Paul, who is either running for President of the United States or embarking on an epic journey to destroy a magic ring by throwing it in a volcano where it was forged.

Fee! Fie! Foe! Fum! Libs and poors are the worst kind of scum!

That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind for Ron Paul. See, anything really is possible! Except a Ron Paul victory, or, apparently, a Ron Paul supporter with normal human characteristics, be it limb size or empathy.

Ron Paul/Fezzik 2012!

[images via Buzz Feed]

Not Even Rick Perry Is Drinking Rick Perry's Kool-Aid, Unless It's Spiked With Bacardi, Served With An Umbrella Straw & Moves Elections To An Imaginary Date In Some Drunk Fool's Mind

When not embarrassing himself on national teevee by forgetting which of the big, bad, Socialist, gubmint programs he can't wait to get rid of (edukayshun?) in the middle of a prime-time Republican debate, Slick Rick Perry is usually content to just get drunk and embarrass himself away from the bright glare of the spotlight, like, say at an obscure New Hampshire town hall meeting no one cares about anyway. Or maybe just skip the booze and embarrass himself doing what he does best (besides swigging from a secret flask and executing inmates): opening his big fat trap and saying something ridiculously stupid, it makes Herman Cain look like a total jenius in comparison. I'm talking Albert Feinstein level!

Like when Rick Perry attempts to lock up a presidential victory by reminding the good people of New Hampshire to vote for him, Rick "Jesus" Perry, on November 12, a solid week after the actual November 6 presidential election, when no one else will even be running anymore, unless of course they know a thing or two about flux capacitors in 1985 DeLoreans. Solid strategy, Slick!

Even better is when Rick Perry decides to move the legal voting age from 18 to 21, because, c'mon, what's an election without getting smashed out of your mind first? Certainly not any election Rick Perry has any chance of winning.

“Those of you that will be 21 by November the 12th, I ask for your support and your vote. Those of you who won’t be, work hard.”

Hear that New Hampshire?

Rick Perry is imploring all of you to please work hard, getting as drunk as humanly possible Rick Perry, so that you mistakenly vote for him in the one election he actually has a chance to win: the fictional kind.

But it's not as if Perry's whole brain is drowning in a delicious sea of Jameson and Patrón. The dwindling patch of functioning neurons remaining in Rick Perry's ethanol-soaked mind did manage to comprehend that some desperate, insane (shit-faced?) wingnuts may still want a few reasons to pick Rick, so he gave 'em something they can really sink their teeth (or at least what's left of them) into: what to do with all those pesky brown people doing the gritty jobs and hard manual labor beneath the average white supremacist hillybilly Perry supporter.

“What we need is a president that has the courage, who has the will to implement and send the resources to that border to secure it.”

Oooh, like Herman Cain and his possibly-electrified border fence with the alligator-filled moat??

Speaking of illegal immigrants arrested for non-violent crimes, Perry said, “My policy will be to detain and deport every illegal alien who is apprehended in this country.”

In other words, he will round up everyone who has already been rounded up, and then do, umm, whatever it is that incompetent idiot Republican governors of Texas do with poor non-white minorities: kill them secretly employ them as maids, gardeners, or an extra set of hands to help herd the cattle and groom the horses on their sprawling ranch.

Either way, Herman Cain, Michelle Bachmann, and Newt Gingrich better watch out, because the race to the bottom is officially heating up.

And no Rick, we don't mean the wooden barrel where you store your moonshine.

For God's sake, Rick, didn't anyone tell you you're not required to get wasted every time you speak in public?

The mind may be a terrible thing to waste. But I guess, in Rick Perry's case, an even more terrible waste would be if he actually had a mind.

[image via The Daily Beast]

Michele Bachmann's Presidential Hopes Are Sinking So Fast, Her Entire New Hampshire Staff Decided To Jump Ship For Something Safer, Like The Titanic

America's favorite blue-eyed basket case Michele Bachmann is sure having a rough go at this whole running for president thing. Turns out, convincing more than 4.8 percent of the voting population that you are indeed just as capable of ruling the free world as being involuntarily committed to the local psych ward is a lot harder than it looks! (Remember to blink, Michele, remember to blink!).

And just when you thought it couldn't get any worse than one of her debate performances, the unthinkable happens: her entire New Hampshire staff (all six of them!) upped and quit, because well, umm, do you really need to ask?

Staff members in New Hampshire for presidential candidate Michele Bachmann have resigned en masse, a Republican familiar with the situation said on Friday, in a fresh blow to her 2012 hopes.
All of the staffers, said to number six, resigned on Thursday, the Republican said.
New Hampshire's WMUR television said the reason given was due to the Bachmann campaign's lack of focus on New Hampshire, which holds the country's first primary election.
"It certainly underscores the impression that New Hampshire isn't a priority for her. She's totally written us off," said former Republican state legislator Fran Wendelboe.

That's because much like the pink unicorns, twinkling pixies, and dancing elves, they're nothing more than figments of her own, heavily medicated imagination!

But that's not it! Michele is such a loser, in fact, that even the hippie dippie liberal heathens of San Francisco couldn't be bothered enough to gather their Godless queer selves together and shout lame liberal things at her like why Mexicans have feelings too, and poor people shouldn't be forced to die in the streets as punishment for being such poor losers.

The San Francisco Chronicle reports:

Critics say the lack of any protest at Bachmann's Commonwealth Club appearance Thursday is a sign of the fading relevance of her campaign. The winner of the Iowa Straw Poll has just 4.8 percent support in the latest average of major polls by RealClearPolitics.com - sixth among the eight GOP presidential candidates. Former Godfather's Pizza CEO Herman Cain is the front-runner with 26 percent.
Even San Francisco's most hard-core activists couldn't be bothered to protest Bachmann, who once said same-sex marriage was the most important issue facing the nation. She's against it.
"Maybe people are waiting for Herman Cain to come to town," said Tenoch Flores, a spokesman for the California Democratic Party.

Or maybe they are waiting for the paint to dry on the walls of their Castro apartment, or for their marijuana plants to grow, or for the warranty on their mufflers to expire, or for their water purifier to filter, or for their tofu burgers to grill, or for the next terrible natural disaster to strike, or to catch whatever strain of influenza is going around these days, all of which are still infinitely more exciting than waiting for Michele Bachmann.

Marcus, on the other hand, was welcomed with open arms.

[image via Wonkette]

Michele Bachmann: Media Reporting All The Dumb Things I Say Either Proves Liberal Bias, Or That I Am Just An Idiot

Insane Minnesota hellwoman Michele Bachmann knows a few things. Okay, okay, so maybe not where the 1775 battles of Lexington and Concord were fought (Massachusetts, not New Hampshire) or even which state was the one with "the shot heard around the world," (Again, Massachusetts, not New Hampshire), or what the hell New Hampshire is anyway, but that doesn't mean she doesn't love America with all her Jesus-blessed star-spangled heart.

Psst, New Hampshire is the state where the United States Marines raised the flag at Iwo Jima, Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin landed on the moon, and of course, Ronnie Reagan declared once and for all, for Mr. Gorbachev to tear down that wall!

"I made a mistake," she said. "I should've said Massachusetts instead of New Hampshire."

Coulda, shoulda, woulda!

It was an honest mistake, of course, one anyone could make, including a certain terrible no-good Socialist Muslim Terrorist from Kenya, but you would never know about that because "the 3,400 members of the mainstream media are a part of the Obama press contingent."

The God damn arugula eating liberal elitists!

Asked if she was surprised by news reports on her gaffe, Bachmann replied,  "No, not at all. We all know that there's a double standard in the media."

Aww snap! You better believe it!

Bachmann highlighted moments when President Barack Obama misspoke as a candidate. In one instance, in May 2008, then-Sen. Obama said, “Over the last 15 months, we’ve traveled to every corner of the United States. I’ve now been in 57 states? I think one left to go.”
Later in the day, Obama told reporters that he misspoke.
Bachmann suggested that helps prove a liberal media bias.
“Of course, that wasn’t considered newsworthy,” she said of Obama’s remarks.

Ummm, really? Are you sure about that, Mich? Because that whole totally ignored-by-the-mainstream-media “Obama says there are 57 states” thing turns up about 15,900,000 results on Google. But, "Michele Bachmann is a nutjob" only yields about 36,100 Google search results. So, what the H-E-Double Hockey Sticks is going on??

This could only mean one thing: there is a widespread pro-Michele Bachmann bias in the evil, elitist Jew-run mainstream radical Muslim homosexual media, and Peter King and the rest of the Grand Old Patriots must immediately investigate all non-white skinned people, shoot all the dirty immigrants, and defund Planned Parenthood before NObama's roving Socialist death panels murder Grandma, the Constitution is replaced by the Koran, and every last U.S. citizen is sold into slavery under Sharia Law.

"So it doesn't matter which conservative is out there, if an error is made, in any way, that is what is stated. They didn't talk about the great crowds, the standing ovations, the wonderful time that we had in New Hampshire. And that is just the way that it goes."

Sigh...

Ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, I give to you the one and only, Michele Bachmann: "Making Sarah Palin Look Presidential Since 2010."

And that is just the way it goes!

Hey Kids, It's Gay Sex Time With New Hampshire State Rep. Nancy Elliott

America deserves to know a thing or two about the shining pillars of enlightenment handpicked by the people to speak on their behalf as their esteemed elected state representative.

Ladies and gents, without further ado, I give to you dedicated advocate of justice and freedom, New Hampshire's very own lovely State Representative Nancy Elliott.

Here, this fearless champion of equality discusses HB 1590, eloquently laying out her arguments to repeal the ghastly same-sex bill that just slutted its way through the New Hampshire state legislature.

And for a woman who doesn't seem to be overindulging in the sex department, she sure has a dirty mind!

"We're talking about taking the penis of one man and putting it in the rectum of another man and wiggling it around in excrement. And you have to think, I'm not sure, would I allow that to be done to me?"

"Would you let that happen to you? Is that normal? Is that something we want to portray as the same as the one flesh union between a man and a woman?"

Heavens no! Certainly not! The one flesh union of one man's hot throbbing love muscle thrusting in and out of one woman's slippery, juicy honey pie (as God intended) could never be the same as two men poking their swords in and around each others' genitals in some sick, twisted, unholy union of sin. Never, you hear!

Because this is what gay marriage is truly about people! Not love. Not equality. Not the freedom to choose who you marry, raise children or share your life with, but simple penis-vagina ratios.

Never mind that silly "union" nonsense. Everyone knows it's not who you love but where you "wiggle" your genitals that really matters!

Sorry, Mr. Elliot. Looks like the Valentine's Day surprise you were hoping for ain't happening this year. Or at least not from the wifey.

Good thing your secretary Kitty's idea of love is letting you 'wiggle' it wherever you want, even dirty "gay" places. Gasp!

Just like a modern-day Adam and Eve. Except in this fairy tale, substitute the Garden of Eden for the Royal Garden Motel.

All Bark, No Bite? Obama's Presence Enough To Muzzle Town Hall Crazies

Death squad commander-in-chief Barack Obama cares about health care SO much, he's even willing to take on crazed, pitchfork-wielding mobs just to prove to the American people that, contrary to what wise scholars like Sarah Palin say, universal health care does not spell an automatic death sentence for Gramps or baby Trig.

Dear leader Barry Obama was ready to brave whatever gun-toting nutjob or shrieking loon who dared disrupt his New Hampshire town hall with their "scare tactics" like threatening old, frail legislators with a beat-down and bringing loaded guns to the debate. Not to mention all that noise!

So Obama's all juiced to throw down against the town hall crazies asking them, no, begging them to come forward, lower their voice to an audible, not deafening level, and finally ask the evil O man why exactly ObamaCare has them so beside themselves.

But noooo. In the presence of the main menace himself, the loudmouth nut brigade suddenly lost its voice, meaning this town hall was utterly dull, free of violence and a terrible waste of time.

"For all the scare tactics out there, what is truly scary is if we do nothing...For all the chatter and the yelling and the shouting and the noise, what you need to know is this: if you do have health insurance, we will make sure that no insurance company or government bureaucrat gets between you and the care you need." Or systematically murders you.

Besides, as long as they have a good product and can sustain themselves, private insurers should have no problem competing with the dumpy government plan.

"They do it all the time," Obama explained. "UPS and FedEx are doing just fine...It's the Post Office that's always having problems."

You hear that people? It's all about choices! Since the government is evil and turns everything it touches into a hellish bureaucratic nightmare, feel free to pay more for the piece of mind that comes with having a respectable private company like FedEx and UPS lose your valuables.

Or your life, whatever the case may be.

And Then There Were Six

Watch out heteros, America is going to hell and quick! In case you missed the rainbow parade, the nation's moral freefall into homosinuality quickened Wednesday night when Democratic (duh) Governor John Lynch signed legislation legalizing gay marriage in New Hampshire (gasp!).

So thanks New Hampshire for arriving fashionably late to the same-sex party already attended by Massachusetts, Maine, Vermont, Connecticut, and Iowa. You''ll have to excuse the other 44 or so states still on their way. Traveling by horse and buggy tends to take some time.

DC Bids Farewell To One Of Its Most Eligible Bachelors, Justice David Souter!

Sound the alarms, America! Justice David Souter is retiring. Yes, one of the many Supreme Court Justices you've never heard of has decided to call it quits at the spry, young age of 69, which is really like tween in justice years.

So, if Souter isn't leaving cause he's too old or too sick or just can't stand the idea of looking at Scalia's ugly mug for one more second, why on God's green earth is our dear Justice departing?

Turns out, the man hates our fair capital city and even though he's thankful for the twenty years he's spent having "the world's best job in the world's worst city," it is time to for Mr. Souter to reunite with his first love, the state of New Hampshire.

It's where all hip, liberal former Supreme Court justices go to live out the rest of their wild "most eligible bachelor" days in robeless peace and obscurity. You never know, he may even switch from fountain pen to ball point. After all, you only live once!