Sometimes You Feel Like A Nut, Sometimes You Just Pretend

Much like bullsh*tting a bullsh*tter, outcrazying the certifiably insane group o' herb 'n spice enthusiasts known as Teabaggers, is no simple task!

But, in order to look like a teabagger, one must act like a teabagger. Which usually involves some combination of morbidly obese middle aged white men with bad hygiene and greasy mullets, dressed in colonial costume, carrying Nazi/Hitler memorabilia, and/or misspelled, grammatically incorrect signs (likely about how Prezdent Obamar is a lyin' Muslin) who would like nothing more than to take a shovel to innocent white babies and grandmothers all across the U.S. of A.

Okay, sounds easy enough...

Meet Jason Levin, an Oregon technology consultant and the leader of Crash The Tea Party, a new movement to take down the tea party from the inside by posing as racist, hate-filled slobs who love tea but hate black presidents who help poor people not die.

"Our plan is not to shout them down," Levin told TPM, "but to infiltrate them and push them farther from the mainstream."

Like all the way to Wasilla?

Apparently, dressing like John Hancock and spontaneously falling over dead outside of Nancy Pelosi's office in protest of health care reform, is already so mainstream, it's as American as apple pie! If that apple pie was decorated with a beautiful Red, White, and Blue swastika atop it's delicious flaky crust.

Levin's tea crashers plan to make their first strike during Thursday's thrilling Tax Day Tea Parties, where they will dress like tea partiers, talk like tea partiers and carry signs like tea partiers. In other words, they'll act so freakin' deranged and out of their minds, they'll be completely indistinguishable from real tea partiers, save for the fact that they still have all their teeth.

"Our goal is that whenever a tea partier says 'Barack Obama was not born in America,' we're going be right right there next to them saying, 'yeah, in fact he wasn't born on Earth! He's an alien!" Levin explained.

He believes that by making the tea parties sound like a gathering of crazy people--which is the group's goal--the movement will lose its power.

Ummm, we're still waiting??

"Whenever possible, we will act on behalf of the Tea Party to exaggerate their least appealing qualities (misspelled protest signs, wild claims in TV interviews, etc.)" Levin said.

Let's not forget ignorant, racist, pieces of white trash who still believe the Sun revolves around the Earth and God created the world in six days, using the 7th day to rest and also figure out the best way to smite the homos, abortionists, and evil, college-educated liberals wallowing in Godless iniquity.

"The lower the public opinion of them goes, the less coverage they're going to get in the mainstream media," Levin said. "Then the GOP stops listening to them and they disperse and they go back to their militias and cabins in the woods."

You mean Fox News moved its headquarters??

Levin emphasized that his group is non-violent, and not interested in "perpetuating racism, homophobia or misogyny," saying that "members are free to do as they wish."

But if violence breaks out at one of these Woodstocks for Wingnuts, or more teabaggers prove their patriotism by shouting "n*gger" and "f*ggot" at their elected representatives, it won't be because of his group.

As Levin explains it: "If you see someone wearing a Nazi uniform at a tea party, it could be one of his members. If you see some one wearing a Nazi uniform throwing a rock, it's definitely not one of his members."

Trying to eat the rock? Definitely one of theirs.

But not all in the 'bagging crowd much care for these hoity-toity elitists infiltrating their proud ranks of Constitution and Lipton-loving patriots of Pure, White America, and as such, have issued the usual death threats and panic alarms over these arugula-eating impostors masquerading as fellow Earl Grey-sippin' white supremacists.

"What can they say?" he said. "Either we've infiltrated their group so pervasively that they might as well hang it up, or we haven't infiltrated them that much they really are just racists."

Racists, c'mon! Now where in heavens would you possibly get an idea like that??

Either way, Levin believes all the attention just serves to make his plan more successful.

"How do you spot a fake tea partier? Do they have a tea bag tattooed on their forehead?" he said. "Thanks to us, the next time you're at a tea party and you see a guy with a misspelled sign you'll have to say 'is this guy an idiot? Or is he just an infiltrator?"

That depends. Is he harassing old men with Parkinson's, mocking sick children, or laughing at poor people with cancer? If the answer to any of the above is yes, then you my friend, are in the presence of real, live teabagger.

Ummm, run for your lives!? Oh, and God Bless America!!

Barackalypse Now: Teabaggers Lose Their Minds, While The Rest Of Us Get Health Care!

While our evil commander in chief rolls through DC with his tyrannical posse of limo-ridin' hookers, hos, and enough health care votes to go around en route to his victory party tonight, the really BIG news was that a couple hundred anti-Semites, homophobes, Neo-Nazis, and straight up Jim Crow lovin' racists loitered around Capitol Hill shrieking about how NObama is Hitler because he's always trying to help the poors get health care.

Turns out, Adolf Obama managed to convince neonatal crusader Bart Stupak and his ever shrinking, now-six or so strong, pro-life disciples that a nice letter saying "abortion is bad" (and ending the ten-month standoff) is probably a better idea than outlawing abortion entirely. So, good job Bart! Obama will indeed draft a sternly worded letter about what happens when ladies aren't careful with their hoohas, and you can agree to go back to complete obscurity except for those fleeting 15 minutes when everyone knows your name for being that one Democratic douchebag who loves babies in their mothers' wombs too much to care about the rest of us poor schmucks unlucky enough to be born.

But the freedom-fightin' tea connoisseurs aren't about to take a shovel to Grandma without showing the whole Fox News-watching world just how patriotic they can be by shouting "n*gger" and "f*ggot" at the evil socialist government, and its elected representatives for putting their grubby hands all over the good American people.

Which is why they're here to make a statement(?) about the beloved country they're so concerned about losing the second NObamaCare is shoved down our throats through normal legislative procedures by actual elected lawmakers.

"Kill the Bill! Kill the Bill! Kill the Bill! It's called Slavery! They are using you!"

And I always thought that slavery was when you own another human being as your possession, not when you're on the brink of passing arguably the most historic piece of legislation in recent memory.

Not so my friends, not so! Gosh, what else have I been missing all these years?

"Our country is going down the toilets really fast because our leaders are refusing to listen to us, they're being like tyrannical dictators."

Tyrannical dictators who won't stop 'til every last America is properly insured! Mwwwwaaahhaaaa!

"Why push health care on people that have with excellent health care? We have the best health care in the world!!"

As long as you don't get sick, fatty!

Besides, "It is all about bureaucracy and control. It is NOT AT ALL about people's health."

We simply don't like black people telling us how to do anything, let alone receive better, more affordable medical care! What do we look like idiots or something?

Just listen to the man wearing the Mickey Mouse wizard hat, wool scarf, and psychedelic tie-dyed shirt with a giant eyeball. He knows the truth: "the government can't run anything effectively and to think that they can run health care is smoking the funny stuff."

And judging by the get-up, this dude knows a thing or two about what funny stuff will do to a person's mind, not to mention fashion sense.

Speaking of minds...

"Three words: Not Good For The Country."

Eh, that's five words, but who cares? Everyone knows numbers are just another made-up government plot to fool the unsuspecting people.

So, what are some of the problems with the health care bill that Congress is trying to pass now?

"That's not a bill. That's socialized." **Shrug**

Ha ha, natives who can't speak English, adorable!

Okay, let's try this again: What are some of the things in it that you have a problem with?

"Oh, I don't know, I don't know." Translation: I can't read.

Fine, let's ask the nice, young lady in tasteful "I survived Roe v. Wade" t-shirt. She looks like she actually knows something about what she's protesting on the Capitol about.

"Yeah, that nice little death tax. Where they would rather send you a $50 check for a blue pill, an end-of-life pill, than pay for the necessary medical expenses."

Whoa, whoa, sex must be really bad for you to refer to that magic blue tablet that helps the hubby get hot for you as an end-of-life pill!

Maybe the guy wearing the impeach Obama (and obligatory Hitler mustache) sign can help clear things up.

"ObamaCare is euthanasia. It's rationing."

"They have a curve, where as you start out as a baby you become more and more important, 'til you get to a certain age you're not important anymore."

Hmmm, wonder why I never heard about this secret curve of death. Must be another liberal lie from the mainstream media.

And where would people find such horrors in the bill?

"I don't even know what's in the bill per se."

Or what that weird French(ish) sounding word even means, but I'll say it anyway cause I'm a teabagger and I don't need the tyranny of the English language telling me what I can or cannot grammatically say!

"Kill The Freaking Bill! Socialized medicine! Rationing! We don't want it!!" Grrrrrrrrrr!

Hello crazy lady, why don't you tell us about your "Ameristan" signs here.

"Okay well, to me he (Barack Hussein Obama) is creating Ameristan: of the government, by the government and for the government."

Why "Stan" though?

"Well, I just think that...um...just creating...eh, just um...there's been a lot, uh..." what's that word I'm looking for again?

Oh yeah, foreign! It sounds foreign, yeah, that's it! Foreign! Gross.

"We think the government should adhere to the constitution. When Barack Obama...I don't believe Barack Obama believes in the constitution."

Even though he was a constitutional scholar?

"Eh, so, they say." Just like they say 9/11 wasn't an inside job, Hussein Obama wasn't born in Kenya, and America really landed on the moon.

"It is against our U.S. Constitution, they way these guys are gonna backdoor this health care bill, it's not in...and I have a pocket of, I have a pocket, err, constitution here somewhere...umm..it's in the other pocket."

Okay, so maybe I just have a pocket, but that's not the point.

The point is the same hole Obama used to shove health care down our throats is the very same one that let the damn constitution fall out of my pocket in the first place!

So what would you guys like to see our health care reform look like?

"Tort reform! Tort reform! Tort reform!"

"Stop suing the pants off the doctors, that's why medical bills are so high!"

But independent sources say tort reform would only lower the medical costs by about 1.5 percent? What do you think of that?

Blech. Tort reform! We like AMERICAN cakes, not fancy schmancy European pastries!

Crazy guy who looks like the Unabomber in a sombrero: "I believe that Jesus, Yeshua, the Messiah actually in Hebrew, is our great physician. If we pray to him we can be healed."

Even for people who don't have insurance?

"Natural herbs and remedies have been found even by the Indians, and by the Hindus and by the Chinese to take care of a lot of our ills in a very inexpensive, affordable manner."

Tea for instance?

But, what do you think should happen with the 30 million who don't have insurance?

"I don't believe there's 30 million people that don't have insurance. There's always going to be people who need help. Always, that's a fact of life. There's always gonna be poor people."

Look, they said Hitler killed 6 million of them Jews and we all know what a crock that is.

"I challenge anybody to read that 2,000 plus page bill--the first one that came out and essentially everything they want to do is roughly the same."

Really? But the bill remakes, rather re-regulates the largest industry in our country and it is still only the size of a couple of Harry Potter books.

"Oh, hahahahaha! That's a great analogy because I think if we go into that bill, that's the kind of world we'll be living in, a Harry Potter world."

Where the evil wizard Lord Voldemort (Barack Obama) wants to enslave the rest of the powerless Muggles and it is up to brave Hogwarts like you, me, and the guy carrying the Hitler poster to save humanity.

Why isn't the media covering this?

Ugh, arugula eating elitists!

"We recommend Fox News. Fair and balanced, everyone else is on Obama's side."

Fox News!!

It's like real news, 'cept for dumb racists who don't like big words or smart brown people telling them what to do.

Like drop dead. Or get health care.

Perhaps This Is The Incentive The Dems Needed To Pass Health Care?

Robust, picturesque vision of health and tolerance, Rush Hudson Limbaugh III, may have dropped out of college after two semesters and one summer, but this high school graduate doesn't need fancy degrees to know that "human beings will die earlier than normal" under President Obama's "freedom killing, life threatening" health care reform plan, which, much like the fat man himself, should be immediately "aborted."

Which is why Limbaugh, the Albert Einstein of wingnut radio, is taking his own dire warnings to heart (his large, overworked heart), telling a caller that if Obama's evil health care plan passes, and all his worst fears are realized (besides a black man in the White House), he will leave the country. Can we get that in writing??

CALLER: If the health care bill passes, where would you go for health care yourself?

LIMBAUGH: I’ll just tell you this, if this passes and it’s five years from now and all that stuff gets implemented — I am leaving the country. I’ll go to Costa Rica.

But before you get too excited at the prospect of America's worst human fleeing the country over its terrible slide towards socialized medicine to go terrorize the good people of Costa Rica and steal their highly-rated, GOVERNMENT funded, Socialist health care instead, remember Rush seldom says anything that is true, thus his chances of actually heading south (to live among the brown people he loves so much), are about as slim as he is fat.

Unless he was going on one of his famed drug runs to the Dominican Republic, that is.

CALLER: Yeah, you saw on the news where uh, Fidel says if you come to his country you need medical insurance now...

LIMBAUGH: Well I wouldn't go there anyway but I mean the idea that errr, umm, errr, you're gonna have to have health care, health insurance if you visit Cuber...

Ummmm, the real question is where the hell is Cuber? And do they also offer unlimited supplies of Viagra and various codones (Oxy, Hydro, etc...) on the cheap, no prescription needed?

If so, say hasta la vista to El Rushbo! Just think of all the money he'll save from not having to fly back and forth, smuggling narcotics anymore.

Probably enough for a one-way ticket somewhere far away, without the oppressive horrors of socialized medicine, where they know how to properly treat their own, a place nice and exotic like Bikini Atoll or Turkmenistan.

Maybe then, those idiots in Washington will understand that Americans don't want health care reform jammed down their throats, unless it is beer-battered and deep-fried first, and comes with a side of dipping sauce.

Peace Out, Bro!

Dirty Harry to Outraged Republicans: Go Ahead, Make My Day!

For such a frail man, Senate Majority Leader and good-natured Mormon Harry "Mason" Reid sure manages to cause quite a stir. Especially when it comes to pissing off Republicans by saying things that are actually rooted in fact and reality and not just a figment of imagination from some teabagger's twisted mind.

Instead of joining us on the right side of history, all the Republicans can come up with is this:, 'slow down, stop everything, let's start over.' If you think you've heard these same excuses before, you're right. When this country belatedly recognized the wrongs of slavery, there were those who dug in their heels and said, 'Slow down, it's too early, let's wait, things aren't bad enough.'

When women spoke up for the right to speak up, they wanted to vote, some insisted they simply, slow down, there will be a better day to do that, today isn't quite right.

When this body was on the verge of guaranteeing equal civil rights to everyone regardless of the color of their skin, some senators resorted to the same filibuster threats we hear today.

Turns out Harry is one tough li'l Mormon. Not only will he not apologize for his comments likening Republicans' attempts to kill health care reform to the same obstructive tactics used to prolong slavery and stall womens' suffrage and civil rights, he doesn't even believe the GOP is mad at all, calling the Republicans' puffy, red-faced indignation nothing more than manufactured outrage not worth a second of his time.

It is hard to believe Senate Republicans are making these charges with a straight face.

For the past eight days they've done nothing but obstruct health care on the Senate floor and throughout this year have played politics with this and virtually every other issue of importance to the American people.

Today's feigned outrage is nothing but a ploy to distract from the fact they have no plan to lower the cost of health care, stop insurance company abuses or protect Medicare.

And for those who are counting, Republicans have now held one press conference on manufactured anger and have issued one manual on how to grind the Senate to a halt but have held zero press conferences and issued zero plans on how to help Americans afford to live a healthy life.

How dare you suggest the Republicans care more about stopping NObama and the terrible Democrats in charge than providing affordable health insurance to all Americans?

Have they not proved their sincerity and dedication by calling Obama Hitler, waving Nazi signs, spreading death panel and dead grandma rumors, and circulating memos about the best way to grind the health care debate to a halt, with the extra bonus of impeding any and all progress just 'cause they like being bastards?

Of course, always dignified Republicans were naturally very upset over such meany words. From the esteemed Senate Majority Leader no less!

Sen. John Thune called the remarks "inflammatory and irresponsible," Sen. Tom Coburn was "personally offended," and Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchison said there's "no place for language like that."

Has Harry no decency?

But then again I guess it's not surprising coming from the party that duped the American people into electing a secret Muslim terrorist who may or may not be a natural born citizen of this great country as President of the United States of Socialism.

RNC Committee chairman Michael Steele said the comments were "absurd and offensive" and demanded an apology.

"This is inexcusable, deeply insulting and an arrogant abuse of the Democrat party's unchecked power in Congress," Steele said in a statement. He also called for Democrats to re-evaluate Reid's "fitness to lead."

Which is always convincing coming from the pinnacle of mental clarity and stability, off-the-hook cow-on-the-tracks, Michael Steele.

Sen. Saxby Chambliss (R-Ga) couldn't agree more. "They are so desperate that it is unbelievable. And for Senator Reid to go out this morning and make such an outlandish statement like he made, just is another indication of the desperation that the Democrats are showing and the pressure that they're feeling."

It sure is! If there's one thing the Republicans know for sure it is that everyone hates a party but loves a party pooper.

Or is it the other way around?

Hmmm, I guess such small details don't matter when you're totally irrelevant!

Who Needs The NFL When You Can Have Michele Bachmann's "Super Bowl Of Freedom?"

Minnesota's seductive but equally insane Representative from hell Michele Bachmann took a break from undressing "stunning" fellow aqua-eyed right-wing darling Rep. Steve King with her piercing baby blues before a packed House floor to promote her upcoming "Super Bowl of Freedom" involving not pigskin and padding but teabaggers and testosterone.

Bachmann is urging the true patriots among us--you know, those dedicated warriors willing to slit their wrists for freedom--to descend upon the steps of the Capitol like the plague of locusts sent straight from the Lord to demand Congress stop trying to destroy America by shoving affordable, quality health care down our not-even-sore throats.

"The only way they're going to listen is if real freedom-loving Americans come here to Washington noon on Thursday, look at the whites of the eyes of their members of Congress and say, 'Don't you remember, I told you don't take away my health care,'" she said.

And if that's not enough to get Joe six-pack and other freedom fighters off the couch, out of their trailers, and into action, perhaps the blinding star wattage of such conservative luminaries as Jon Voight might change their simple little minds. Ooooh, just think how proud Angie must be to call him Papa!

As if her House Republican-endorsed inside-the-Capitol tea party isn't exciting enough, Michele used the occasion to unveil the slick, new catch phrase she's been working on, sure to please even the most discerning nutjob. "Socialized medicine is the crown jewel of socialism. This will change our country forever."

And you my Belle are the crown jewel of psychopaths. Luckily, this won't change anything in any way whatsoever because mental health isn't anything freedom-loving capitalists need bother with, since a perfectly functioning health care system like ours doesn't extend to imaginary liberal maladies like mental illness.

How else would the Republican Party be in such tip-top shape and so mentally fit as to entrust the future of their dear party to this self-proclaimed fool for Jesus who answers only to the higher calling of her one true Lord and Savior Jesus Christ whenever He personally calls upon her to fulfill His divine mission here on Earth.

Let's just hope He reminded her to bring the Doritos.

Meghan McCain's Bountiful Breasts Know Joe Lieberman's No Traitor!

Sassy blogger Megs McCain is upset. And not just because some meanies on the teevee and radio made fun of her voluptuous curves and God-given set of full, ample breasts. But something far, far worse--the terrible treatment of her favoritest turncoat and longtime role model Senator Joe Lieberman.

For some absurd reason, everyone hates ol' Joe Liebs just because he has the "courage" to stand up to all those greedy Americans who can't afford adequate coverage by threatening to filibuster any health care reform bill that includes the dreaded public option.

You see Meghan understands what it feels like to be hated just for having big boobs, blonde hair, and a super famous daddy run for president. So she totally gets what Joe is going through standing up for his beliefs by betraying the Democratic Party and all.

"The older generation needs to understand that my generation does not respond well to anger, hate, and personal attacks. We are a generation of communicators, and to us, actions speak louder than loud words. Perpetuating negativity will only result in the tuning out of another generation of voters, and we simply can’t afford that. I find it especially ironic that most of those who criticize Senator Lieberman more often than not have never run for elected office. But as the old saying goes, those that can’t do, criticize."

Hahahahahahahaha! You're so right Meghan! Except when they get their own Daily Beast column. Then they do that instead.

"Let’s face it, it's easy to preach to the converted and many people have mastered the art of the negative sound bite. If I want to hear the liberal bias, I will turn on MSNBC. If I want to hear conservative dogma, I will turn on Fox. But where do people go to listen to the Joe Liebermans of the world? Where can we hear voices that dare to cross party lines, think outside the box, and say what they truly believe? If this country wants to simply be a place of extreme partisan politics, I think we are well on our way. If people like Senator Lieberman are treated with such disrespect for daring to be true to their political beliefs, there will really be no hope for independent thinkers of my generation to be inspired to join the political process."

And then where will impressionable young mavericks-to-be who confuse bipartisanship and outside-the-box thinking with selling out for political ends and personal gain turn to? I, for one, can't begin to imagine the kind of world it would be without American heroes like Gramps McCain, hip daughter Meghan, and of course charismatic merrymaker Joe Lieberman working hard on behalf of the American people.

"And for the record, Senator Lieberman is now an even greater source of inspiration and comfort to me in politics."

And you to us, Meggy. Especially with those two irresistibly soft lovely pillows.

If The Public Option Doesn't Kill You First, Mitch McConnell's Stupidity Will

Senate Minority leader Mitch McConnell sees where the Republican Party is going (not far) and naturally wants to lead the way. Unlike that dumb cow Michael Steele, big Mitch is not about to let this train(wreck) leave the station without its captain on board. No sir-ee!

That's why this responsible GOP leader from Kentucky is taking his dire warning of a health care reform holocaust straight to the American people!

Don't let those demonic Democrats fool you--the public option just "may cost you your life."

Luckily, Mitch McConnell is here to guide us through this medical apocalypse.

Excerpts of his enlightened interview on Dennis Miller's radio show:

MCCONNELL: Well, it doesn’t make any difference frankly whether you opt-in or you opt-out, it’s still a government plan. You know, Medicaid, the program for the poor now, states can opt-out of that, but none of them have. I think if you have any kind of government insurance program, you’re going to be stuck with it and it will lead us in the direction of the European style, you know, sort of British-style, single payer, government run system. And those systems are known for delays, denial of care and, you know, if your particular malady doesn’t fit the government regulation, you don’t get the medication.

MILLER: Right. (Really Dennis??)

MCCONNELL: And it may cost you your life. I mean, we don’t want to go down that path.

No we certainly do not! Anything's better than letting the evil government of this country we adore be in charge of a program that directly affects the lives of millions of its citizens. That would be like asking death on a date.

Call me old fashioned, but I'd rather play it safe and stick with what works. Or what doesn't, if you're Republican. Better screwed than sorry!

Joe Lieberman See's Opportunity To Fulfill His Destiny As Biggest Buzzkill Ever

America's most boring, backstabbing, rat pariah Senator Joe Lieberman woke up this morning only to realize it was late October and he hadn't filled his "What can I do to piss everyone off?" quota for the month.

This made him very upset. So upset in fact that he was forced to quicken his slow, lumbering gait and hurry his droopy self over to reporters to hastily explain his reasons for wanting to screw up the whole health care reform thing. Perhaps a troubled childhood? Or maybe he's just jealous of that Harry Reid fellow for also being boring, old and annoying, yet oddly likable or at least compared to sniveling, self-serving frauds like himself.

"I told Senator Reid that I’m strongly inclined–I haven’t totally decided, but I’m strongly inclined–to vote to proceed to the health care debate, even though I don’t support the bill that he’s bringing together because it’s important that we start the debate on health care reform because I want to vote for health care reform this year. But I also told him that if the bill remains what it is now, I will not be able to support a cloture motion before final passage. Therefore I will try to stop the passage of the bill."

Of course, this man of honor (and the magic #60 for Democrats in a cloture vote) would totally side with Republicans to filibuster any health reform bill he doesn't agree with because that's basically what Democrat-turned-Independent-turned outcast congressional nuisances do when they aren't getting enough attention.

"I think a lot of people may think that the public option is free. It’s not. It’s going to cost the taxpayers and people who have health insurance now, and if it doesn’t it’s going to add terribly to the national debt…there’s so much in this health reform legislation that is so good, that I think they’re just putting an unnecessary burden on top of it by creating another Washington-based entitlement program."

Oh, Joe, Joe Joe! Just because you're still bitter about being embarrassed in the 2006 Democratic primary and having to switch parties (because no one likes you) doesn't mean you have to ruin everything and sell your soul all so some sketchy corporation continues to fund your pathetic campaign to desperately cling to power.

You may be a lot of things (whiny, petty, and mind-blowingly dull), but we all know you're not stupid. Or at least not in the Sarah Palin kind of way, which means you know very well the public option wouldn't be a government-funded entitlement for free health care like you claim, but a self-sufficient program financed by premiums and unable to draw on federal funds, with the whole concept being the opposite of difficult to understand and all.

Never mind the fact his statements are at great odds with the findings of most experts, who say that by lowering the government's subsidy burden, a public option will actually save money. Joe pays no mind to annoying trivialities like facts and truth.

Think about it. How else would he continue his impressive streak as the hands-down winner of the people's choice awards for douchiest senator ever? I mean you don't get to be the greatest mistake the public ever made for nothing!

Obama's Rx For Health Care: Pull Plug On Insurance Companies, Not Grandma

Pat Sullivan / AP Photo

Crazed, shrieking mobs of birthers, secessionists, and teabaggers are one thing. As annoying and demented as they may be, Barry knows these confederate flag-waving patriots simply can't help it if their brains don't function like the rest of us. Such feeble minds deserve our pity, not our scorn!

Not so for those motherf**kers over at the insurance companies whose years of lying, scheming, and fleecing the public finally caused Mr. Barry Chill to lose his signature cool and unleash the full-force of his long-simmering fury.

This time, Badass Barry used his weekly radio/internet address to fire back at the insurance industry, accusing the no-good bastards of using "deceptive and dishonest ads" to derail health care reform because apparently Michael Steele's sacrificial cow on tracks didn't exactly get the job done.

Calling insurance companies "obstacles to change only interested in their own profits and bonuses...willing to bend the truth or break it," Obama blasted the greedy, selfish crooks for being more concerned with fattening our hearts (and thus their wallets) than fixing the system.

But only if by fix you mean repair, 'cause otherwise that's totally not true! They're more than happy to make some under-the-table "arrangements" if you catch my drift.

"It’s smoke and mirrors," Obama said. "It's bogus. And it’s all too familiar. Every time we get close to passing reform, the insurance companies produce these phony studies as a prescription and say, 'Take one of these, and call us in a decade.' Well, not this time."

Rather than trying to curb costs and help patients, he said, the industry is busy "figuring out how to avoid covering people...And they’re earning these profits and bonuses while enjoying a privileged exemption from our antitrust laws--a matter that Congress is rightfully reviewing."

"The insurance industry is rolling out the big guns and breaking open their massive war chest to marshal their forces for one last fight to save the status quo."

But look on the bright side, at least they're trying to save something, even if it is their own assets asses.

Unlike us miserable wretches, I guess some things are worth fighting for.

What's A Gang With No Members?

Sens. Grassley And Enzi At Your Service!

Anger bear Sen. Mike Enzi of Wyoming, the second ranking Republican involved in bipartisan health care negotiations, wants to reform health care in much the same way that his superior Sen. Charles Grassley does: by promptly massacring any health care reform bill that comes his way.

This is not good for the Gang of Six, people! It's so bad in fact that even resident White House blabbermouth Robert Gibbs admitted the once-powerful Gang of Six might be the wimpy Gang of Five, now that Enzi has decided to throw his massive body in the way of health care progress of any kind.

"In Senator Enzi's case, he doesn't believe there's a pathway to get bipartisan support and the President thinks that's wrong," Gibbs said. "I think Senator Enzi's clearly turned over his cards on bipartisanship and decided that it's time to walk away from the table."

But what about those "good-faith" negotiations that lead Republican Twitter Bug Sen. Charles "Chuck" Grassley has been working so hard to fit into his 140-character limit?

As ranking member of the Finance Committee and the Republican go-to guy on health care negotiations, surely Grassley cares about developing a solid, workable, bipartisan compromise on health-care reform more than his own 2010 re-election chances, right?

Without a doubt. You can see just how passionate his commitment to helping solve the country's pressing health care crisis is by reading one of his recent fundraising letters, dated August 10:

I had to rush you this Air-Gram today to set the record straight on my firm and unwavering opposition to government-run health care.

And ask your immediate support in helping me defeat "Obama-care."

I’m sure you’ve been following this issue closely. If the legislation sponsored by Speaker Nancy Pelosi in the House of Representatives and Chairman Ted Kennedy in the Senate is passed it would be a pathway to a government takeover of the health care svstem. lt would turn over control of your health care decisions to a federal bureaucrat … and take it away from you and your personal physician.

It would mean government rationing in the name of cost controls.

The simple truth is that I am and always have been opposed to the Obama administration’s plan to nationalize health care.

Thank goodness he was able to squeeze in those underlines before the Air-Gram patrol came for pick-up! Otherwise, how would we ever know which parts were important enough to read?

But doesn't it at least make you feel good to know how hard he's trying?

How The Hell Did Mike Huckabee Not Win Past Iowa?

Former double bacon cheeseburger loving Arkansas governor and messenger of God Mike Huckabee knows a few things about logic and good taste. (Especially the latter, because, trust me, you don't get to be 300 lbs without it).

Which is why it comes as a total shock that he would defy both of them on his radio show, The Huckabee Report, by accusing those awful Democrats of trying to use Kennedy’s death to rally support for the President's terribly socialist health care reform package. The nerve!

"Senator Ted Kennedy’s death had barely hit the news before we started hearing calls that Congress must hurry and pass a health care reform bill and do it in his memory," he said. "That not only defies good taste, it defies logic."

Sure does Huck! We haven't even rolled his old bones into the ground yet and already the Dems are selfishly trying to use the memory of a man whose life work was dedicated to reforming health care as one more reason to actually pass health care reform.

"We certainly can and should respect his years of advocacy and work for things that he truly believed in," he added. "But easily the worst reason to do it is in the name of someone who gave us the most shining example of why this particular bill is so bad."

Wait, what the Huck did he just say?

"[I]t was President Obama himself who suggested that seniors who don't have as long to live might want to consider just taking a pain pill instead of getting an expensive operation to cure them," Huckabee said. "Yet when Sen. Kennedy was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer at 77, did he give up on life and go home to take pain pills and die? Of course not. He freely did what most of us would do. He choose an expensive operation and painful follow up treatments."

You hear that people? He did exactly what "most of us" Americans who are as rich as Kennedy would do: paid for the bestest, most expensivest treatment available. That's one of the advantages of being a Kennedy, you have so much money, you don't need to "go home to take pain pills and die" like you would under NObama's plan. You get options.

Using this airtight logic, Huck has come up with a few ideas of his own for solving the whole health care crisis the Dems keep squawking about.

"A better way to honor Ted Kennedy would be if every American has access to the latest private health care as good as what senators receive.”

That's a brilliant idea and will work perfectly too, because what American isn't as rich Ted Kennedy or Mike Huckabee for that matter?

Problem solved. But for those few povs out there (unlike the rest of us Kennedys and Huckabees), there's always the old-fashioned, 1-2-3 punch to cure disease: the All-American alcohol-pills-gunshot-to-the-head combo!

All Bark, No Bite? Obama's Presence Enough To Muzzle Town Hall Crazies

Death squad commander-in-chief Barack Obama cares about health care SO much, he's even willing to take on crazed, pitchfork-wielding mobs just to prove to the American people that, contrary to what wise scholars like Sarah Palin say, universal health care does not spell an automatic death sentence for Gramps or baby Trig.

Dear leader Barry Obama was ready to brave whatever gun-toting nutjob or shrieking loon who dared disrupt his New Hampshire town hall with their "scare tactics" like threatening old, frail legislators with a beat-down and bringing loaded guns to the debate. Not to mention all that noise!

So Obama's all juiced to throw down against the town hall crazies asking them, no, begging them to come forward, lower their voice to an audible, not deafening level, and finally ask the evil O man why exactly ObamaCare has them so beside themselves.

But noooo. In the presence of the main menace himself, the loudmouth nut brigade suddenly lost its voice, meaning this town hall was utterly dull, free of violence and a terrible waste of time.

"For all the scare tactics out there, what is truly scary is if we do nothing...For all the chatter and the yelling and the shouting and the noise, what you need to know is this: if you do have health insurance, we will make sure that no insurance company or government bureaucrat gets between you and the care you need." Or systematically murders you.

Besides, as long as they have a good product and can sustain themselves, private insurers should have no problem competing with the dumpy government plan.

"They do it all the time," Obama explained. "UPS and FedEx are doing just fine...It's the Post Office that's always having problems."

You hear that people? It's all about choices! Since the government is evil and turns everything it touches into a hellish bureaucratic nightmare, feel free to pay more for the piece of mind that comes with having a respectable private company like FedEx and UPS lose your valuables.

Or your life, whatever the case may be.

Sarah Palin Won't Let Obama's Death Squads Kill Lil' Trigger

In her first "communication" since officially resigning as Empress of Alaska and warning the evil media to quit "makin' things up" like the nasty rumor that America's favorite Alaskan ice duo are going the way of Levi and Bristol, Sarah Palin took to the Internets to rail against President (?) Obama's Nazi-esque health care reform to kill her infant son Trig (gasp!) and all other undesirables, especially retarded babies and old people.

Now, Sarah is understandably very upset about the situation, which is why she took to her favoritest Facebook to warn the nation about Obama's gruesome call for mandatory execution-style murder of all Down Syndrome babies.

"The America I know and love is not one in which my parents or my baby with Down Syndrome will have to stand in front of Obama’s 'death panel' so his bureaucrats can decide, based on a subjective judgment of their 'level of productivity in society,' whether they are worthy of health care. Such a system is downright evil."

When lives of precious babies (Palin or otherwise) are at stake, there is absolutely no time for Sarah to worry about specifics such as reality. That's where "official" spokeswoman Meg Stapleton comes in!

When asked where the hell that unemployed Alaskan maverick got her information about Obama's plan to kill Trig, spokeswoman of the year Meg Stapleton pointed to page 425 of the House Democrats' bill, which contains a section referring to, "a list of national and state-specific resources to assist consumers and their families with advance care planning consultation for seniors, including voluntary discussions of living wills, power of attorney, or the decision to reject extraordinary measures of life support.”

At least Herr Öbama could have the decency to say what he actually means instead of hiding his murderous intentions in seemingly benign phrases like "consumers and their families."

Clearly, sociopath Barry's health-care overhaul would not only pressure senior citizens into killing themselves, but also specifically target little Trigger and who knows, probably even Sarah's entire family. I mean how old are her parents anyway? Definitely too old for Obama's tastes, and frankly, mine as well.

Luckily, we have a genius like Sarah to read between the lines and bring us the truth about Obama's death squads. And to think, she almost gave all this up to do something stupid like actually complete her whole elected term as governor. Thank goodness for higher callings!

Disgruntled Conservatives Turn Their Teabaggin' Wrath To ObamaCare

The Republicans are not happy with that ambitious Obama or his un-American plan to turn the nation's health care system into a government sanctioned holocaust of the old and unborn. In fact, they are steaming mad! So mad that they are willing to do anything, anything, to stop Comrade Barry's deviant quest to socialize medicine and ruin America, including saying whatever crazy sh*t they think will freak the public out most.

Let's call it the GOP strategy of desperation and lies. They use it from time to time, whenever they find themselves at the mercy of an uppity commander-in-chief with legislative majority and . They've tried everything: secret Muslim terrorist, Kenyan-born socialist, arugula-eating elitist, but nothing seems to stick on this guy! What is a GOPer to do to get America to hop off the Barry bandwagon?

It starts with conservative whispers about how Obama's health reform is the first step toward a totalitarian dystopia in which the government kills off the old and unfit. Next convince the wingnut base that brought us those delightful tea parties that this nightmare vision where doctors and government conspire to kill Grandma and Grandpa for fun will soon be reality, if psycho Barry gets his way.

The seeds will then be sown for revolts and uprisings at town hall meetings across the country, where unhinged protesters can disrupt constructive debate on health care reform by burning effigies and spewing hysterical nonsense against Emperor Obama's doomsday health care plan to murder the elderly and infirm.

I guess you just have to tip your hat to the Republicans for their brilliant strategy of shrieking like madmen whether anyone's listening or not. It's the next best thing to being right!

Blah, Blah Socialism!

In Rush We Trust?

In his usual classy style, Mr. Sensitive Rush Limbaugh held a reasonable, informative discussion about health care reform by predicting the imminent demise of one of it's most outspoken champions, Sen. Ted Kennedy (D-MA), who also happens to be suffering from a malignant brain tumor.

On his radio show Friday, the ever brilliant Rush first blasted that demon child Barack Obama for shifting attention away from the financial crisis to instead focus on some unimportant issue no one cares about like health care.

Obama is of course only doing this so his approval numbers stay high and that great liberal lion Teddy Kennedy can finally see his life's work come to pass before he hits the old dusty trail to eternity. Not because health care is important to Americans or related to the economy or anything like that.

Take it from Rush. Before it's all over, the economy will still be in shambles since Comrade Barry has no idea how to run a country except into the ground, but at least the Democrats will get their precious little "Ted Kennedy Memorial Health Care Bill" or some other ridiculous legislation giving Americans access to the affordable, quality health care that no one wants.

Instead of giving America what it really needs, which is a fat, washed-up college drop-out with more chins than ideas ranting incoherently about how to save this country from the last eight years of his own party's disastrous rule.

Taming The Lion, Limbaugh Style