Rand Paul's Headstomping Supporter Demands Apology For Some Scary Activist Lady's Head Falling Under His Innocent Shoe

Oh no-zees! Another day, another weird, disturbing scandal involving some new Teabagging nutjob or another using disproportionate force to stomp on activist ladies' heads, illegally arrest no-good journalists who dare ask so much as a single question, or dabble in witchcraft to wipe out the sinful scourge of self-pleasure across this great land.

This time the lucky winner is Kentucky's own Colonel of Crazy, Rand Paul, whose loyal band of Southern fried Aqua Buddha fascist freaks heroically prevented a very scary petite lady all of 5' from brutally attacking Sir Rand with a piece of paper before a debate against hippie-dippie, civil rights supportin' Democratic senate opponent Jack Conway, by bravely surrounding the woman, throwing her on the ground, on stomping on her no-good awful, terrible head. For freedom, of course!

Hooray!

According to the Louisville Courier Journal, “Lauren Valle of MoveOn.org approached Paul and tried to give him an “employee of the month award” from Republicorp…a fake business MoveOn created to symbolize what it says is the merger of the GOP and business interests controlling political speech.”

Well there you have it! The woman was positively begging to have her head stomped, walking around with a wig and a sheet of poster board like some deranged menace to society, thirsting for the blood of everyone's favoritest freedom-fighting patriot & uncertified Ophthalmologist running for Senate.

Preferably by a burly 250 lb man named Tim Profitt (like, seriously??) who's also Rand Paul's "Bourbon County Coordinator" and personal bodyguard against scary poster-wielding MoveOn ladies.

“I was concerned about Rand’s safety,” Profitt said. “A friend of mine went up to three policeman before Rand got there, and told them about the girl who was standing there with that wig on and that she was getting ready to do something. The policemen looked at him and said that’s not our job.”

Ummmm, hellooooooo?? 

That, my friends, is a job for Rand Paul supporters who know stomping on people's heads is What Jesus Would Have Done if he saw a girl in a wig standing still looking like she might be getting ready to do something (like maybe say some meany comment?) to His sweet, sweet Senate candidate and favoritest teabagging racist from Kentucky, too!

But now that the lamestream liberal media has gone and made a big whoopdedoo about nothing, Tim Profitt feels just terrible about smashing his foot on some 23-year-old girl's head and neck, is "sorry that it came to that" and apologizes “if it appeared overly forceful.”

What?? Don't be silly! It's common knowledge that a foot to the head is actually the customary way Kentucky gentleman greet their lady friends at these sort of get-togethers. The li'l ladies down South simply go craaaaazy when their chivalrous, patriotic, strapping men folk violently slam them on the ground and square dance on their face as testament to their undying love and affection (of the WWF?).

Sometimes they even "get served with a criminal summons ordering him to appear before a Fayette County District Court Judge" just to see each other again, if only for a fleeting moment to lock eyes and laugh about the li'l "love" tussle over Mint Juleps, a variety bucket of the Colonel's Classic, and how many hard-earned bucks it takes to beat up a woman and send her to the hospital with a concussion and sprains.

But, in his defense, Profitt did say that the camera angle made the incident appear worse than it really was.

Not to mention, certainly didn't do any favors to a certain someone's waistline either!

But as is the traditional Southern way, when you, a full grown man stomps on a person's head, it should really be that person apologizing to you for their big dumb skull getting in the way of your innocent rubber sole.

After all, you didn't see Dick Cheney apologizing for shooting that one guy in the face, did you? Why, you most certainly did not! That's for pussies with hearts, not monsters with mechanized pump machines, you mortal fools!

Just ask Tim! “I would like for her to apologize to me to be honest with you,” he said.

Well, we would like you to be honest with us, Tim!

Go on?

“She’s a professional at what she does,” he added, “and I think when all the facts come out, I think people will see that she was the one that initiated the whole thing.”

Awww, hells yeah! Just like the last floozy dumb enough to run her mouth off to the wrong mister Profitt. Or the other hapless bitch he simply had no choice but to date-rape before her.

Either way, he has a very good reason why he had to body slam this girl on the ground to assault her.

Profitt also blamed the incident on his back pain. Footage shows that Profitt stomped down on Lauren Valle’s head, neck and shoulder while she was being restrained by another man with her shoulder on the street and her head on the curb.

Oh, the poor, poor lady-beating fellow! Lord knows how hard it is for Teabaggers to actually heave their obese, Double Down saturated bodies off their motorized Socialist scooters so they can pin young librul ladies down against the ground and make it a fair fight.

Any 'bagger worth their weight in tea 'n testosterone knows that individual responsibility means that when someone stomps on your head, you take responsibility for it.

This makes perfect sense. Nobody question his explanation, because Liberty. Got it?

Meanwhile, Rand Paul’s campaign called the altercation “incredibly unfortunate” and expressed relief that the woman was not injured, in that she's still breathing and is not paralyzed from the neck down, wheelchair bound for the rest of her life.

That’s sweet of them. Those kind words from Rand Paul’s other Gestapo workers will heal whatever head, neck and shoulder wounds she has. Plus, maybe if we're really blessed, Sharron Angle will whip up one of her famous Lemon meringue/incestuous rape victims squares, Ayn Rand will come back from the dead to say an Objectivist prayer for her, and Christine O'Donnell can invoke one of her world-renowned get well soon spells, specially reserved for liberal victims of Libertarian head stompers.

Because the path to taking our country back (to the Stone Age?) is paved with blood, sweat, tears, and of course, the bashed heads of battered women.

Profitt & Paul: Teabaggers In Paradise

What's The Scariest Thing To Come Out Of Kentucky? No, Not The New Double Down, Rand Paul, Silly!

Howdy y'all! By now, I'm sure you've heard the wonderful news about how Libertarian hero Ron Paul's more insane, even wingnuttier son, Rand Paul, won the Republican Senate nomination in good, ol' colonel-fried Kentucky.

Which is VERY EXCITING news, if like Paul, you too are a right wing extremist who really, really, really despises the evil, terrible government, would like nothing more than to abolish the totally unnecessary Department of Education, Federal Reserve, or taxes of any sort, and are still not fully sold on the whole desegregation/equal rights for blacks thing.

Because, these are the types of enlightened, 21st century views that the good, God-fearin' folks in Kentucky really go for! And if all goes well, i.e. his Democratic opponent believes black people deserve equal treatment under the law or women should have control over their own bodies, (oooh, keep your fingers crossed!), Rand Paul may just find himself well on his way to becoming America's first real Tea Party Senator.

No offense to Scott Brown, who despite the naked Cosmo photo spread, just doesn't have that special kind of Crazy required to be a true Tea Party Patriot and human bag of caffeinated herbs 'n spice. Better luck next time?

Well, it didn't take long for Rand to find himself in hot water (bobbing like 'baggers do) for his totally reasonable Libertarian belief that the government should keep their grubby paws out of the private sector and stop forcing businesses to not be racist. Which is a very revolutionary view...for 1910!

I mean, it's not as if Rand doesn't like the Civil Rights Act of 1964, one of the greatest accomplishments of the 20th century, basically banning whites-only lunch counters, discrimination in hiring, promotions, hotels, restaurants, and effectively desegregating the South.

It's just that he doesn't think the stupid government should be telling private businesses whether (or not) they should be allowed to put up a big, ol' Whites Only sign, if they feel like it.

INTERVIEWER: Would you have voted for the Civil Rights Act of 1964?
PAUL: I like the Civil Rights Act in the sense that it ended discrimination in all public domains, and I’m all in favor of that.
INTERVIEWER: But?
PAUL: You had to ask me the “but.” I don’t like the idea of telling private business owners—I abhor racism. I think it’s a bad business decision to exclude anybody from your restaurant—but, at the same time, I do believe in private ownership.

You see, Rand is not even the slightest bit racist, in fact he ABHORS racism, he just simply believes that businesses should be allowed to have the choice whether or not to be racist.

That's what freedom's all about, people!!

Much like his hero Dr. Martin Luther King (big fan, big fan!), Rand too has a dream. A dream where businesses are free to exclude all the gays or blacks or Jews or Mexicans or what have you they want, because this is what "free society" is all about, even if it means telling ol' Dr. King to scram his black ass the hell out your pure, white store.

INTERVIEWER: But under your philosophy, it would be okay for Dr. King not to be served at the counter at Woolworths?
PAUL: I would not go to that Woolworths, and I would stand up in my community and say that it is abhorrent, um, but, the hard part—and this is the hard part about believing in freedom—is, if you believe in the First Amendment, for example—you have too, for example, most good defenders of the First Amendment will believe in abhorrent groups standing up and saying awful things. . . . It’s the same way with other behaviors. In a free society, we will tolerate boorish people, who have abhorrent behavior.

Hmmm, let's see an example of what those "boorish people" Rand Paul believes a free society must tolerate:

Freedom looks like the bomb, yo!

So you see people, it's really quite simple. Rand Paul despises racism, hates it from deep within his caring (whites-only) soul, but, at the same time, wants to allow businesses to be racist. He wouldn't go to that particular business of course, because of all its racism etc, and knows in his Confederate heart that no one else in America would patron such a terrible segregated establishment. But he nonetheless believes in the possibility that somewhere, someone could open up a racist business or restaurant before instantly going bankrupt and being forced to close because no one likes its racist food or souvenirs, or whatever bigoted trinkets are being sold.

Ideally, a racist business could exist, but only in that one nanosecond of time before it was forced to shutter its windows because no one would go to such such a terrible, racist establishment in this perfect, utopian color-blind world we currently live in. Especially in Kentucky!

It's the perfect balance between maximum individual freedom and minimum collective racism!

See, it's so simple!

Sure, Rand Paul did have to fire his campaign spokesman Chris Hightower for a comment posted on his MySpace page around Martin Luther King Day that read: "HAPPY N***ER DAY!!!" above a photo of a black man being lynched. Oh, and Hightower, who was also the frontman of a local Megadeth-style metal band called Commander, wrote a very nice little post referring to "Afro-Americans" titled "Blacks don't like my Napalm Death hoodie:"

"So, I was in Rivergate Mall today in line to get some pizza and I noticed a group of Afro-Americans were looking at me with hate and whispering stuff. I was wondering WTF and proceeded to sit facing them and give them the 'what the fuck are you looking at look.' Anyway after a few snarls they quit looking at me. I was like do these fuckers think I am someone else or what? Anyway I finished my food and went to find some new shoes. About 10 minutes later, another group of Afro-Americans are giving me the same looks, it then dawns on me, there has to be something on this hoodie that is pissing off the Afro-Americans. And sure enough when I get outside the mall I look and bingo. KKK .... LOL!"

OH, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! That guy's hilarious!

Surely, Dr. Rand Paul must have thought so?

"The images were not placed there by this employee but by someone posting on the site. These images in no way represent Dr. Paul or his campaign nor do they represent the beliefs of this staff member. These images are reprehensible and have no place in civil discourse."

Of course they don't!

According to Paul himself, "I have never heard a single utterance of racism from this staffer nor do I believe him to have any racist tendencies. However, it is impossible to present the ideas and reforms we need in this country with this controversy present. Therefore I have accepted his resignation."

Ooooh, I get it now! Rand Paul is not racist; just crazy! Crazy like a Republican 'Doubling Down' on the fact that he also happens to live in the birthplace of CRAZY, where heart attacks don't just happen, but come deep fried, smothered in secret spices, and served in a delicious variety bucket with a side of biscuits 'n slaw.

Friendly Kentucky Sen. Jim Bunning Does Not Share Elevators With Freak Journalists

Legendary Kentucky-fried anger ball and ruthless pariah, Sen. Jim Bunning took his furious, red-faced jihad against poor people to the Hart Senate Office Building where he showed all the poise and tact of a rogue hippopotamus under duress when asked a simple question about his own rogue, one-man crusade against extending unemployment benefits to poor, pathetic Americans who can't even hold onto a job. Losers!

Asked by ABC News reporters to at least attempt to explain his bizarre, solo decision to block a bill aimed at alleviated the suffering of those hardest hit by the recession, Jim Bunning acted just they way you'd expect a washed-up MLB pitcher turned U.S. Senator to act if he was beaned in the head one too many times by one of his own legendary fastballs: totally insane.

Refusing to answer a single question about his one-man filibuster of a bill extending health and unemployment benefits to struggling Americans, like whether he gives two sh*ts about those losing their benefits as a result of his wise choice, Bunning instead chose the high road by giving reporters the silent treatment.

"I'm not talking to anybody," Bunning huffed then "walked toward the elevator and shot the middle finger over his head."

This is of course what normal elected officials to the world's greatest legislative body do when asked simple questions about their legislative actions.

They also have near mental breakdowns when members of the terrible mainstream media or other subhuman invaders try to weasel their way into fancy contraptions that move vertically to deliver very important people and/or cargo from one floor to another, all without having to take a step. Like magic!

Like when ABC correspondent Jon Karl dared go near the precious Hart Senate office building up-and-down contraption thingamajig Bunning was already occupying.

"Excuse me! This is a Senator's only elevator!"

Same for the sweet li'l lady thinking her tight behind and flowing blonde locks might help soften Jim Bunning's industrial grade steel heart.

"Excuse me!" he yelled. "I've got to go to the floor!"

That's where all the cranky old baseball pitchers go to spend their twilight years, making other people's lives as miserable as their own. It's practically a GOP tradition!

"My republican colleagues came to the floor and talked about process," Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid said. "They had a right to do that. Well, under the rules, I guess that's true, Mr. president. If you can't afford to feed your kids, that doesn't mean anything."

Nor apparently does being mentally stable enough to serve in the U.S. Senate, as Bunning was more than happy to demonstrate to the good folks who he continues to gleefully screw over in their darkest time of need.

It's like Sen. John Kerry explained, "as long as the GOP leadership continues with the scorched-earth campaign, it will be tough to get done the things we know we need to do."

Send Mr. Bunning to ye olde big elevator in the sky?

"We need this to end. Debate big differences. Disagree. Use the filibuster when big matters of principle hang in the balance - and sometimes they do. But at the end of the day, Washington has to function - people are counting on it," Kerry said.

"When it comes to unemployment insurance for workers who have been laid-off through no fault of their own, stop playing games immediately, allow a vote, and then get to work trying to solve some problems, not playing tricks with the Senate rules. The framers invested the minority with rights to protect the Senate - not to destroy it."

Lol. So true, what do you think Jim Bunning's there for? Comedic effect? His breathtaking beauty?

Or maybe they're just trying to fill their quota for deranged, racist, old white men with the necessary warrior heart and athletic prowess to throw wicked, two-seam fastballs at poor struggling Americans who can't even afford a variety bucket of the Colonel's original recipe.

High Five America!

Crazy Kentucky Sen. Jim Bunning Throws A Curveball At Helping Poor, Struggling Americans

See this sweet face?

Well, get to know it my friends, because this scrumptious mug belongs to none other than insane electoral aberration, Kentucky's very own illiterate contribution to society, Senator Jim Bunning, who likely just cost your broke, out-of-work ass any and all health and unemployment benefits heading your way. Yay!

Yes, thanks to this pillar of the Senate community's wise decision to single-handedly block a bill extending expiring unemployment benefits and health care payments to jobless Americans, your already miserable, pathetic existence just got even more unbearable. Three cheers for Jimbo!

Under whatever obscure, soul-crushing, nation-destroying Senate rule our beloved minority party discovered while collectively losing their minds over a socialist black president named Barry, a deranged one-man trainwreck like Sen. Jim Bunning can indeed derail an entire legislative body's ability to function, all because rich white people like him are infinitely superior than dumb povs like you and I.

But what's fueling this distinguished gentleman from the magical land of fried chicken and $1,000 mint juleps' one-man quest to screw over everything and anything, particularly those with pulses but not jobs?

It's "just awful," Sen. Jay Rockefeller (D-W.Va.) said. "You've got to be pretty mad about something to stop the extension of unemployment insurance."

Or you could just be that one weirdo former Hall of Fame pitcher who somehow duped the good people of Kentucky into believing that his ability to paint the outside corner with a 95 mph heater for the Phillies somehow makes him qualified to throw filibusters as a fringe member of the world's greatest deliberative body.

You know, the same beloved mental giant who looooves taking his anger and frustration out on America's poor, unemployed population because the meany Democrats ambushed him, and forced him to actually explain his objection to extending aid and benefits to said jobless men and woman, thus causing Mr. Bunning to miss his precious Kentucky-South Carolina basketball game. The selfish bastards!

Okay, okay, so ol' Jim Bunning isn't winning any senate congeniality awards--and is largely considered "one of the more eccentric members of the Senate, who doesn't mingle much with his colleagues, can be gruff, rarely talks to the press," and in his exchanges with Democrats, refers to President Barack Obama as "your president."

He doesn't do the whole "black president" thing.

In fact, Bunning is such a pariah that even the Republican leaders in his own Grand Old Party of a**holes can't stand the sight of him, and are forcing the old coot to retire this year rather than run for re-election.

"Just when we thought they couldn't sink any lower, Republican obstructionists are now using Americans who have lost their jobs to make a political point," said Brad Woodhouse, spokesman for the Democratic National Committee. "Shameful."

The Senate's No. 2 ranking Democrat, Richard Durbin of Illinois, tried to get Bunning to finally agree to stop denying aid to tens of thousands of Americans struggling to make ends meet, even reading letters from Kentucky residents in a desperate attempt to thaw his ice-cold heart.

"I just don’t think one senator ought to be able to heap this kind of suffering and misfortune on people who are already struggling in this economy," Senator Durbin said. "This is a wild pitch you are throwing tonight because it is pitch that is hitting somebody in the stands."

Awww snap, hit him where it hurts, Dick!

Senator Claire McCaskill also blasted Bunning, saying his obstruction proved how far removed some lawmakers were from the plight of out-of-work Americans.

"It is easy to get out of touch around this place," Sen. McCaskill said. "People open doors for you and bow and scrape. It's really easy to forget what people are going through, what families are feeling right now. And really, 30 days of unemployment insurance – have we gotten to the point that that’s going to be a political football?"

Don't be ridiculous! We're talking baseball references here, Claire!

Either way, all appeals to reason and decency were lost upon the good man from Kentucky, whose simple two-word response, "Tough sh*t" pretty much said it all. That and the fact he is not seeking re-election in November due to a lack of basic sanity requirements and financial support because it's hard to raise money when you're a miserable bastard who no one likes.

"I'm trying to make a point to the people of the United States," Bunning said.

Never elect racist, 78-year-old washed up Major League lunatics from states whose biggest claim to fame is widespread obesity and rampant heart disease courtesy of Colonel Sanders secret spice.

If The Public Option Doesn't Kill You First, Mitch McConnell's Stupidity Will

Senate Minority leader Mitch McConnell sees where the Republican Party is going (not far) and naturally wants to lead the way. Unlike that dumb cow Michael Steele, big Mitch is not about to let this train(wreck) leave the station without its captain on board. No sir-ee!

That's why this responsible GOP leader from Kentucky is taking his dire warning of a health care reform holocaust straight to the American people!

Don't let those demonic Democrats fool you--the public option just "may cost you your life."

Luckily, Mitch McConnell is here to guide us through this medical apocalypse.

Excerpts of his enlightened interview on Dennis Miller's radio show:

MCCONNELL: Well, it doesn’t make any difference frankly whether you opt-in or you opt-out, it’s still a government plan. You know, Medicaid, the program for the poor now, states can opt-out of that, but none of them have. I think if you have any kind of government insurance program, you’re going to be stuck with it and it will lead us in the direction of the European style, you know, sort of British-style, single payer, government run system. And those systems are known for delays, denial of care and, you know, if your particular malady doesn’t fit the government regulation, you don’t get the medication.

MILLER: Right. (Really Dennis??)

MCCONNELL: And it may cost you your life. I mean, we don’t want to go down that path.

No we certainly do not! Anything's better than letting the evil government of this country we adore be in charge of a program that directly affects the lives of millions of its citizens. That would be like asking death on a date.

Call me old fashioned, but I'd rather play it safe and stick with what works. Or what doesn't, if you're Republican. Better screwed than sorry!