Dr. Ron Paul's Disaster Relief Rx: Take Two Pills & Call Someone Who Actually Gives A Sh*t

America's favorite crazy old uncle and beloved Libertarian Jesus, Ron Paul, knows a few things about disasters (his son Rand, every presidential campaign he's ever run, the toxic waste that spews every time he opens his mouth, hell, his whole freakin' life!), which is why he knows the best response to a national catastrophe is no response at all.

Hear that people? Pull yourself up by your own damn bootstraps for once in your pathetic lives, and while you're at it, use 'em to bail the water out of your battered, flooded house, and fix the downed power lines, ya lazy, good-for-nothing wastes of lucrative corporate space.

What do you think this is, the United States of Helping People In Times Of Crisis or something?

Hahaha, get real! This is Ron Paul's America, the United States of Anarchy, my friends!

"We should be like 1900; we should be like 1940, 1950, 1960," Paul said. "I live on the Gulf Coast; we deal with hurricanes all the time."

Sort of like the last time the Gulf Coast wined and dined that bitch Katrina only to wake up naked, tied to the bed post now submerged in sewage, and robbed of everything, except some good, old-fashioned American know-how, now floating down Bourbon Street.

"There's no magic about FEMA. They're a great contribution to deficit financing and quite frankly they don't have a penny in the bank. We should be coordinated but coordinated voluntarily with the states," Paul told NBC News. "A state can decide. We don't need somebody in Washington."

Hell no, we don't!

We need a nobody like Ron Paul, shriveled solver of problems like how to never actually get to be that Washington somebody nobody needs.

Problem solved!

Because everyone knows the best thing to do following a national disaster is abolish the one big bad gubmint agency actually capable of dealing with said disaster, like say the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA).

Amiright??

Blasting FEMA as a drain on the economy, Dr. Ron Paul explained how the agency is nothing more than a "gross distortion of insurance only bleeding hearts would support — that just bail[s] out everybody."

Ooooh, oooh, does that include crazy ass grown adult sons after one of their loyal staffers stomps on the head of some awful lady protesting their terrible, racist policies outside a rally?

Well three cheers (wait, or is it tears?) for the brave man, no make that the living legend, who had the courage & conviction to vote against hurricane relief funding for his home state of Texas because the government shouldn’t "take care of us when we do dumb things" — like get hit by hurricanes. Or his son Rand.

Galveston Hurricane of 1900 or Rand Paul's Foot Rage of 2010?

Hooray! Ron Paul Wins CPAC Straw Poll For The Chance To Be President...Of Losing To Obama

Woohoo, wingnut America!

After three days of endless shrieking and shouting about the bountiful beauty of trickle down economics (make it rain, Ronnie Reagan, make it rain!), the unspeakable evils of a woman having rights over her own dumb, slutty body, and, of course, the insufferable Donald Trump going on and on about how much richer and better he is than you, I, or the rest of the dumb schlubs in attendance will ever be, the three-day freak fest of repressed homosexuality and poorly veiled insecurity, popularly known as the Conservative Political Action Conference, is finally over.

But no CPACapalooza for insane people would be complete without first determining which wonderful wingnut had the conservative cajones big enough (and white enough!) to win this year's meaningless CPAC straw poll for the twice-in-a-lifetime chance to run for President of Losing To Obama.

Drum roll please.....

And the winner is...the inimitable Doctor Ron Paul, whose second consecutive straw poll victory now makes him the undisputed champion of crazy conferences and two-term president of make believe.

Yay!

Let's see how the rest of the candidates stacked up, shall we?

Okay, so as you already know, Libertarian Jesus Ron Paul won his second non-scientific (but likely creationist!) straw poll, capturing 30% of the vote he bused in specifically for this very purpose. Ah, a true statesman and humble man of the people, that Doctor Congressman Ron Paul!

Next came ol' Mittens Romney, who much like last year (and the year before and the year before) came in an impressive second, managing to snag 23 percent of the vote, despite the difficult challenges of being both a Mormon and a Socialist health care loving liberal.

Nobody else even came close, with the rest of the esteemed losers candidates-to-be failing to so much as even crack double digits, including She-Ra Princess of Powder, Sarah Palin, who mustered up a measly 3 percent, despite declining the invite in order to wander aimlessly around Fox News making moose piles of money muttering made-up new words to insult Muslims.

Which was still good enough to beat bass-playing former bacon-double cheeseburger scarfing governor of Arkansas Mike Huckabee, Former Godfather’s Pizza CEO no one's ever heard of, Herman Cain, and Mississippi Gov. Haley Barbour, despite his bestest attempts to appeal to the all-powerful, old, Southern whites-who-hate-black-people crowd. Maybe next year?

"It will tell the country a whole lot about the enthusiasm the young people have for liberty," a victorious Ron Paul said. Or at the very least, what handpicking hundreds, err make that, thousands of supporters from the congressman's Campaign for Liberty group and shipping the whole lot of of 'em off to Washington with "We Love Ron" buttons and #2 pencils can do for the cause.

But not everyone was quite so thrilled with the good doctor's orders to storm the party, and stuff the ballot box with loads o' libertarian love.

Like uber rich (and classy!) golden-haired muppet clown Donald Trump who invited himself to speak at the event and continue his delusions of grandeur that he is actually a viable candidate to do anything other than scream "you're fired!" at terrified underlings, like, say run for President of America.

Mr. Trump got lots of loud applause. But that turned into loud and extended boos after an audience member yelled the name of Ron Paul.
"By the way, Ron Paul cannot get elected, I'm sorry," he responded, prompting the negative response. "I like Ron Paul. I think he's a good guy. But really he has just zero chance of getting elected."

Which, incidentally, is just about the same number as Donnie's IQ.

Talk about coincidences!

"I was elected 11 times and somebody said, ‘Well, how many times has Donald Trump been elected?" Ron Paul said Monday on MSNBC's "Morning Joe." "Does he have really the right to criticize others and say they are unelect[able]?"

Is he rich, white, dumb, and have less than zero chance of unseating Barack Obama?

Nate Gunderson, a 34-year old Utah native who supports Romney, said Paul's tactics could diminish the significance of the annual contest. "If this happens year after year after year, people will stop caring about the straw poll." 

Ha ha, don't be silly Nate! Nobody cared about it in the first place.

“Am I bothered by the fact that Ron Paul stacked the deck? Not at all,” said Tom Medhurst, a 61-year-old Ohio native making his first visit to CPAC. “That’s politics, isn’t it?”

If you say so?

Not that any of this matters anyway, since the real winner won't be determined until the next round, when each candidate competes in the ever-important "Stomp on a Liberal Lady's Head" challenge, supervised by none other than the reigning champ of inappropriate physical violence aimed at defenseless citizens, Rep. Ron Paul's angrier, even more inexplicably rage-filled, similarly initialed, racist son Sen. Rand Paul of Kentucky.

Finally, a real family values Republican everyone can get behind!

Or under.

Either one really.

Rand Paul's Headstomping Supporter Demands Apology For Some Scary Activist Lady's Head Falling Under His Innocent Shoe

Oh no-zees! Another day, another weird, disturbing scandal involving some new Teabagging nutjob or another using disproportionate force to stomp on activist ladies' heads, illegally arrest no-good journalists who dare ask so much as a single question, or dabble in witchcraft to wipe out the sinful scourge of self-pleasure across this great land.

This time the lucky winner is Kentucky's own Colonel of Crazy, Rand Paul, whose loyal band of Southern fried Aqua Buddha fascist freaks heroically prevented a very scary petite lady all of 5' from brutally attacking Sir Rand with a piece of paper before a debate against hippie-dippie, civil rights supportin' Democratic senate opponent Jack Conway, by bravely surrounding the woman, throwing her on the ground, on stomping on her no-good awful, terrible head. For freedom, of course!

Hooray!

According to the Louisville Courier Journal, “Lauren Valle of MoveOn.org approached Paul and tried to give him an “employee of the month award” from Republicorp…a fake business MoveOn created to symbolize what it says is the merger of the GOP and business interests controlling political speech.”

Well there you have it! The woman was positively begging to have her head stomped, walking around with a wig and a sheet of poster board like some deranged menace to society, thirsting for the blood of everyone's favoritest freedom-fighting patriot & uncertified Ophthalmologist running for Senate.

Preferably by a burly 250 lb man named Tim Profitt (like, seriously??) who's also Rand Paul's "Bourbon County Coordinator" and personal bodyguard against scary poster-wielding MoveOn ladies.

“I was concerned about Rand’s safety,” Profitt said. “A friend of mine went up to three policeman before Rand got there, and told them about the girl who was standing there with that wig on and that she was getting ready to do something. The policemen looked at him and said that’s not our job.”

Ummmm, hellooooooo?? 

That, my friends, is a job for Rand Paul supporters who know stomping on people's heads is What Jesus Would Have Done if he saw a girl in a wig standing still looking like she might be getting ready to do something (like maybe say some meany comment?) to His sweet, sweet Senate candidate and favoritest teabagging racist from Kentucky, too!

But now that the lamestream liberal media has gone and made a big whoopdedoo about nothing, Tim Profitt feels just terrible about smashing his foot on some 23-year-old girl's head and neck, is "sorry that it came to that" and apologizes “if it appeared overly forceful.”

What?? Don't be silly! It's common knowledge that a foot to the head is actually the customary way Kentucky gentleman greet their lady friends at these sort of get-togethers. The li'l ladies down South simply go craaaaazy when their chivalrous, patriotic, strapping men folk violently slam them on the ground and square dance on their face as testament to their undying love and affection (of the WWF?).

Sometimes they even "get served with a criminal summons ordering him to appear before a Fayette County District Court Judge" just to see each other again, if only for a fleeting moment to lock eyes and laugh about the li'l "love" tussle over Mint Juleps, a variety bucket of the Colonel's Classic, and how many hard-earned bucks it takes to beat up a woman and send her to the hospital with a concussion and sprains.

But, in his defense, Profitt did say that the camera angle made the incident appear worse than it really was.

Not to mention, certainly didn't do any favors to a certain someone's waistline either!

But as is the traditional Southern way, when you, a full grown man stomps on a person's head, it should really be that person apologizing to you for their big dumb skull getting in the way of your innocent rubber sole.

After all, you didn't see Dick Cheney apologizing for shooting that one guy in the face, did you? Why, you most certainly did not! That's for pussies with hearts, not monsters with mechanized pump machines, you mortal fools!

Just ask Tim! “I would like for her to apologize to me to be honest with you,” he said.

Well, we would like you to be honest with us, Tim!

Go on?

“She’s a professional at what she does,” he added, “and I think when all the facts come out, I think people will see that she was the one that initiated the whole thing.”

Awww, hells yeah! Just like the last floozy dumb enough to run her mouth off to the wrong mister Profitt. Or the other hapless bitch he simply had no choice but to date-rape before her.

Either way, he has a very good reason why he had to body slam this girl on the ground to assault her.

Profitt also blamed the incident on his back pain. Footage shows that Profitt stomped down on Lauren Valle’s head, neck and shoulder while she was being restrained by another man with her shoulder on the street and her head on the curb.

Oh, the poor, poor lady-beating fellow! Lord knows how hard it is for Teabaggers to actually heave their obese, Double Down saturated bodies off their motorized Socialist scooters so they can pin young librul ladies down against the ground and make it a fair fight.

Any 'bagger worth their weight in tea 'n testosterone knows that individual responsibility means that when someone stomps on your head, you take responsibility for it.

This makes perfect sense. Nobody question his explanation, because Liberty. Got it?

Meanwhile, Rand Paul’s campaign called the altercation “incredibly unfortunate” and expressed relief that the woman was not injured, in that she's still breathing and is not paralyzed from the neck down, wheelchair bound for the rest of her life.

That’s sweet of them. Those kind words from Rand Paul’s other Gestapo workers will heal whatever head, neck and shoulder wounds she has. Plus, maybe if we're really blessed, Sharron Angle will whip up one of her famous Lemon meringue/incestuous rape victims squares, Ayn Rand will come back from the dead to say an Objectivist prayer for her, and Christine O'Donnell can invoke one of her world-renowned get well soon spells, specially reserved for liberal victims of Libertarian head stompers.

Because the path to taking our country back (to the Stone Age?) is paved with blood, sweat, tears, and of course, the bashed heads of battered women.

Profitt & Paul: Teabaggers In Paradise

As If The Cordoba House Wasn't Enough, Now The Muslims Are Coming After The Paul House Too!

A House Divided Cannot Stand, Even A House Of Pauls!

Ooooh, are America's favorite "Dr. R. Pauls" (as in Ron the elder and Rand the dumber) in the middle of a heated Muslim 'n mosque-fueled fight??

But how could Rand's deliciously red, Christian apple fall so far from father's tree? Surely, Jesus did not die for our sins only to see his favoritest wingnut duo o' docs disintegrate into a halal 'n hijab haze of father-son feud!

But which awesome Doctor Paul thinks those pesky Muslims should take their dang mosque and go back to Arabia, or wherever it is that A-rabs come from, and which one thinks the Cordoba House/Ground Zero Mosque controversy is "all about hate and Islamaphobia?" Hmmm, let's see, which one is trying to win a Senate seat in chicken-'n-freak-fried Kentucky?

Like any decent, true Republican trying to win a Senate race in the original land of Colonel Sanders secret spice and heart attacks in the form of bacon and cheese smothered between two fried chicken fillets, Dr. Rand Paul doesn't much care for those swarthy Muslimy types always tryin' to build stuff here in the Whites Only land of America.

"While this is a local matter that should be decided by the people of New York, Dr. Paul does not support a mosque being built two blocks from Ground Zero," Paul spokesperson Gary Howard said. "In Dr. Paul's opinion, the Muslim community would better serve the healing process by making a donation to the memorial fund for the victims of September 11th."

Eh, or just pulling a Heavens' Gate and collectively offing themselves in a mass effort to reach salvation aboard the Hale-Bopp comet to heaven. Either one really.

But noooooooo! Papa Ron just couldn't leave well enough alone, could he? No, Papa had to come along like some tree-hugging, arugula-eating liberal Muslim loving hippie, and insist the outcry is nothing more than bigoted, GOP-fueled anti-Muslim hysteria for political purposes.

"The outcry over the building of the mosque, near ground zero, implies that Islam alone was responsible for the 9/11 attacks. According to those who are condemning the building of the mosque, the nineteen suicide terrorists on 9/11 spoke for all Muslims," Ron wrote in a statement on RonPaul.com "This is like blaming all Christians for the wars of aggression and occupation because some Christians supported the neo-conservative's aggressive wars."

"It is repeatedly said that 64% of the people, after listening to the political demagogues, don't want the mosque to be built. What would we do if 75% of the people insist that no more Catholic churches be built in New York City? The point being is that majorities can become oppressors of minority rights as well as individual dictators. Statistics of support is irrelevant when it comes to the purpose of government in a free society--protecting liberty."

Well, well look who is suddenly all about protectin' freedom of gross Muslims now. Whatever is young Rand supposed to do? Certainly, siding with the terrible Islams (in enlightened Kentucky of all places) is out of the question, world-famous libertarian doctor daddies or not.

Sorry to disappoint ya, Pops, but he'll stick with whole hatin' an entire community instead. Kentuckians just looooooooove that kind of stuff. In fact they eat that shit up all day long, so long as it's before their daily dose of KFC's famous Double Down!

"I think reconciliation is best promoted by -- instead of having a multi-million dollar mosque -- maybe having a multi-million dollar donation to the memorial site, would be better for all," a semi-coherent Rand Paul said.

Or maybe even a multimillion dollar donation to his campaign (memorial site), since Ron and America's son, Rand, has had some trouble getting the Jesus freaks, Klansmen, and assorted other illiterate misfits who helped him win the primary to continue supporting him through the general election. Mainly, cause they're bunch of dumb rednecks with no money for anything anyway 'cept maybe the state's namesake variety bucket and a 40 oz or two at the local mini mart.

"Since Paul won the general election, he's had trouble keeping up the enthusiasm from his online activist base and tea party members. In a Facebook friend drive earlier this month, Paul's campaign aimed to get 100,000 people to sign up for his Web page — but fell about 40,000 people short," Politico reports.

Maybe cause he scares the bejeebus out of everyone, or at least anyone with actual money, like the greedy, media-controlling Jews and elitists always screwing things up for nice young people who hate blacks, browns, and anyone else not beautiful snow white like lovely Sir Rand over here.

"The fact that so much attention has been given the mosque debate, raises the question of just why and driven by whom?" the older, wiser Ron Paul writes:

In my opinion it has come from the neo-conservatives who demand continual war in the Middle East and Central Asia and are compelled to constantly justify it. They never miss a chance to use hatred toward Muslims to rally support for the ill conceived preventative wars. A select quote from soldiers from in Afghanistan and Iraq expressing concern over the mosque is pure propaganda and an affront to their bravery and sacrifice.

And the problem with that is? Sounds like Grand Ol' Politics as usual to me!

Desperate times (and/or desperate people) call for desperate measures.

Clearly, what Rand Paul needs to do now is tell the Teabaggers (and the rest of the neo-Nazis, skinheads, and birthers who support him) that the dirty ragheads are not only trying to build terrorist temples on the still-smoldering remains of patriotic, white power Christian Americans, but are also secretly building mosques in their large intestines, and the only sure-fire way to stop 'em is by immediately sending all their cash and money (eh, screw it, and gold jewelry, too!) to:

Dr. Rand Paul
National Board of Ophthalmology (aka a UPS Store in Bowling Green, Kentucky)
911 Muslim-Free Road
Bumblef**k, Confederacy, 91101

Doctor's orders!

Foot, Meet Mouth: Six Reasons Why The GOP Doesn't Need Deep Sea Oil Rigs To Spew Toxic Goo From Gaping Holes

If you thought BP was the only one spillin' baby spillin' toxic oily goo uncontrollably out of big, leaking holes, think again my friends!

Never underestimate the Grand Oil Puppets' uncanny ability to take a national disaster of epic proportions, and use the tragedy for their own personal and political gain by saying something even more flammable, noxious, and vomit-inducing than millions of gallons of luxurious crude oil pouring into America's once thriving coastal shores.

Ladies and germs, I present you with the top six slick GOP oil spill slip-ups, not involving dead marine mammals and/or feathered carcasses washin' up along America's now deadly beaches, but rather thick gunk oozing from the deep wells between their noses and chins.

Drum roll, please!

1. Rand Paul
Rand Paul has gone AWOL from the lamestream media, likely because every time he opens his big fat trap to anyone with a mic, he ends up saying something awful about how (even though he's not racist or anything, and loooooves the Civil Rights Act of 1964), the big bad govern'ent should keep their grubby paws out of the private sector and stop forcing nice, American businesses to not be terrible and racist. Like, if Woolworth's wants to force black people to eat at separate lunch counters and/or put up a big, ol’ Whites Only sign on their front door, who is the dumb, stupid evil government to tell 'em otherwise?

Same goes for that terrible NObama pesterin' the good folks over at BP who want nothing more than to be left to their own noble oil-dumpin', marine-destroyin' devices!

"What I don't like from the president's administration is this sort of, 'I'll put my boot heel on the throat of BP,'" Paul said in an interview with ABC's Good Morning America. "I think that sounds really un-American in his criticism of business."

Why, America hasn't been this unpatriotic since rudely throwing off the nice British yoke back in 1776, around the time "Doctor" Rand Paul's beliefs were actually still fashionable. Umm, can you say Rand Paul for President of America? Errr, better make that of pure, white America...you can go ahead and keep dem coloreds to yourself, we're sure ol' Rand won't mind one Libertarian bit.

2. Michele Bachmann
Everyone's favorite unstable Minnesota hellwoman Michele Bachmann knows a thing or two 'bout takin' a terrible tragedy and turnin' it into a golden wingnut opportunity to blast that no-good half-black Kenyan Devil in the White House for taking a completely irresponsible "hands off" approach to the oil crisis on "DAY ONE" when they should have been all over that sh*t, like umm, well, British Petroleum on American beaches.

Ol' Minnesota blue eyes simply does not understand why the government was "nowhere to be found" after the Deepwater Horizon rig exploded (pssst, Michele you have to actually open your eyes, not rely on the power of Jesus to see) since in reality, Obama and Co., arrived within hours of the disaster. But no one knows better than Bachmann what a drag truth and facts can be, not to mention, they are inherently un-American and against the Constitution in her head.

Which is why she would like to know just why on God's (once-green) Earth the government hadn't put on their Socialist Scuba gear and "commandeered" privately-owned boats to "deal with that oil plume as it was coming up to the water."

Oh, Michy why don't you be a dear, throw on the ol' flippers and wetsuit, and dive on down to Deepwater to plug that darned hole with your own perfectly capable, freshly manicured, Christ-guided hands. Don't worry, your makeup is water resistant (and animal-tested!) plus there's no gross slimy fish, or living creatures of any sort to bother you on your way down to the dark abyss below.

Just think of it as a practice run for your next eternal plunge to the dank netherworld far beneath the surface of the Earth. Don't forget to say hi to your hero and favoritest freedom fighter while you're there. No, not Jesus of Nazareth, silly! Your other savior, Hitler of Bavaria!
 
3. Sarah Palin
When not tweetbookin' bout drillin' baby drillin', America's beloved former half-term Governor of tundras and moose is busy blamin' baby blamin' the usual suspects like extreme greenies and other hippie-dippie environmental enemies of Mother Earth for spillin, baby spillin' up 'n down America's shores.

Maybe for her next great, Pulitzer-worthy piece of American literature, $arah Palin can write all about how she single-handedly plugged the darn hole usin' nothin' but her magical diamond-encrusted, cotton-tipped, Jesus-blessed hockey stick and a hearty dose of that good, ol' fashioned can-do 'merican spirit.

Miss Bachmann better get goin' lest some other brainless beauty from the snowy north beat her to the bottom and steal her heroic, oil-pluggin' thunder! They don't call her the Barracuda for nuthin'! Wink, wink!

4. Haley Barbour
Fat, dumb Mississippi Governor Haley Barbour isn't one to dwell on silly, insignificant little mistakes of the past, like enslaving an entire race to keep cotton costs low. It was simply savvy business maneuvers and everyone (or at least 3/5ths) knows what is good for business is good for America, slavery included! No thanks to those no-good Northern Aggressors always tryin' to tell decent Southern folk how to build up their economy, without even chaining human beings to the bottom of boats and giving them the unique, one-of-a-kind opportunity to be sold at bargain basement prices to the highest bidder. A real steal!

Same goes for silly li'l nothing oil spills, which Barbour knows is nothing like Exxon-Valdez (ugh, sounds Mexicany), but more like delicious caramel mousse, harmless toothpaste, and the pretty fuel sheen surrounding speed boats.

"We don't wash our face in it, but it doesn't stop us from jumping off the boat to ski," Barbour said.

Of course, the biggest threat to Mississippi's coast has been the arugula eating elitist mainstream media's coverage of the spill, givin' people the wrong  impression that "the coast from Florida to Texas is ankle-deep in oil, which is of course very, very bad for our tourist season," the most importantist thing in the world!

"It may be hard for the viewer to understand but the worst thing for us has been how our tourist season has been hurt by the misperception of what is going on down here. The Mississippi Gulf Coast is beautiful. As I tell people, the coast is clear, come on down!"

"Come on down here and play golf, enjoy the beach, catch a fish and pay a little sales tax while you're here," he said.

Just don't forget your hazmat suits, goo-gone, protective goggles, and industrial size bucket to put all the delicious oil-infused fish you catch scoop up from the beach.

But remember those babies sure do burn, so use caution when tossin' the day's catch on the barbie, or you may have your very own Deepwater explosion right in your own backyard. For America, wooohooo!

5. John Boehner
House Minority Leader John Boehner is just thankful something besides his face has finally turned a oddly glowing, likely toxic, unnatural shade of orange even if it is America's entire Gulf Coast, that he is ready to let bygones be bygones. Enough of this petty blame game (except when directed towards those who deserve it like DEMONcrats and/or NObama)!

It is time to move forward and act like responsible, mature adults when flip-flopping and contradicting oneself in order to simultaneously appease Big Oil, the overlords in the Chamber of Commerce, and of course the nagging public who keep cryin' poor every time the GOP tries to take their hard-earned taxpayer money to pay for the greasy death 'n destruction their their awesome, slick, hands-off deregulation of beloved oil conglomerates caused. Whoops!

Hey, nobody's perfect right?

Err, except the world's greatest oil company, and most skilled man-made disaster cleanup crew ever assembled: no, not BP, the Glowing Orange Party, of course!

6. Joe Barton

Which naturally brings us to our final Southern fried f**k up, good ol' Joe Barton of good ol' Texas. A wondrous, brilliant man whose world-famous apology to the poor, misunderstood CEO of BP Tony Hayward is only one small piece of this man's stellar record of public service.
Besides the Saints and Samaritans at BP, no one stands up for the rights of the "small people" more than Grand Old Pariah, fightin' Joe Barton. And by small people, we of course mean the poor, innocent victims of NObama's evil $20 billion government shakedown, forced to pay out of their own endless pockets to cover the hefty costs of covering an entire ocean with delicious crude oil, imported all the way from Britain! Is this any way to treat a guest??

"I think it is a tragedy of the first proportion that a private corporation can be subjected to what I would characterize as a shakedown, in this case a $20 billion shakedown," Barton said. "I'm only speaking for myself, I'm not speaking for anybody else. But I apologize. I do not want to live in a country where any time a citizen or a corporation does something that is legitimately wrong, is subject to to some sort of political pressure that is, again, in my words, amounts to a shakedown. So I apologize."

I mean what kind of world would it be, if every time some greedy, out-of-control oil conglomerate tries to get sinfully rich by destroying an entire ecosystem, they're actually held responsible for their reckless actions turning boring blue to luscious black?

Why that sounds like a nightmare, a hellish doomsday vision that Joe Barton for one, wants no part of and nothing, I said, nothing, is gonna change ever change that, ever!

He has principles, people! The kind that may top kill Flipper, Flounder, and every last coastal fisherman's livelihood, but doesn't stop spillin' baby spillin' the only kind of green worth anything (it ain't algae!) right into his big, fat, oily fingers.

What's that you say?? Oh, ooops, we're terribly sorry!

Smithers, get this man a napkin, on the double! For Christ's sake, he's got some very important tweetin' to do and doesn't need any greasy smudge stains or oily fish remains screwing up his fine, wisdom-filled, 140 character-limited, apology-laden messages.

Joe is perfectly capable of doing that all by his own greasy, toxic, limited character self!

And unlike BP, he doesn't even need to dive several miles beneath the sea to plug the gaping hole uncontrollably spewing toxic waste.

God purposely located it for maximum plugging convenience. In case of emergency, like say, whenever he opens his mouth.

What's The Scariest Thing To Come Out Of Kentucky? No, Not The New Double Down, Rand Paul, Silly!

Howdy y'all! By now, I'm sure you've heard the wonderful news about how Libertarian hero Ron Paul's more insane, even wingnuttier son, Rand Paul, won the Republican Senate nomination in good, ol' colonel-fried Kentucky.

Which is VERY EXCITING news, if like Paul, you too are a right wing extremist who really, really, really despises the evil, terrible government, would like nothing more than to abolish the totally unnecessary Department of Education, Federal Reserve, or taxes of any sort, and are still not fully sold on the whole desegregation/equal rights for blacks thing.

Because, these are the types of enlightened, 21st century views that the good, God-fearin' folks in Kentucky really go for! And if all goes well, i.e. his Democratic opponent believes black people deserve equal treatment under the law or women should have control over their own bodies, (oooh, keep your fingers crossed!), Rand Paul may just find himself well on his way to becoming America's first real Tea Party Senator.

No offense to Scott Brown, who despite the naked Cosmo photo spread, just doesn't have that special kind of Crazy required to be a true Tea Party Patriot and human bag of caffeinated herbs 'n spice. Better luck next time?

Well, it didn't take long for Rand to find himself in hot water (bobbing like 'baggers do) for his totally reasonable Libertarian belief that the government should keep their grubby paws out of the private sector and stop forcing businesses to not be racist. Which is a very revolutionary view...for 1910!

I mean, it's not as if Rand doesn't like the Civil Rights Act of 1964, one of the greatest accomplishments of the 20th century, basically banning whites-only lunch counters, discrimination in hiring, promotions, hotels, restaurants, and effectively desegregating the South.

It's just that he doesn't think the stupid government should be telling private businesses whether (or not) they should be allowed to put up a big, ol' Whites Only sign, if they feel like it.

INTERVIEWER: Would you have voted for the Civil Rights Act of 1964?
PAUL: I like the Civil Rights Act in the sense that it ended discrimination in all public domains, and I’m all in favor of that.
INTERVIEWER: But?
PAUL: You had to ask me the “but.” I don’t like the idea of telling private business owners—I abhor racism. I think it’s a bad business decision to exclude anybody from your restaurant—but, at the same time, I do believe in private ownership.

You see, Rand is not even the slightest bit racist, in fact he ABHORS racism, he just simply believes that businesses should be allowed to have the choice whether or not to be racist.

That's what freedom's all about, people!!

Much like his hero Dr. Martin Luther King (big fan, big fan!), Rand too has a dream. A dream where businesses are free to exclude all the gays or blacks or Jews or Mexicans or what have you they want, because this is what "free society" is all about, even if it means telling ol' Dr. King to scram his black ass the hell out your pure, white store.

INTERVIEWER: But under your philosophy, it would be okay for Dr. King not to be served at the counter at Woolworths?
PAUL: I would not go to that Woolworths, and I would stand up in my community and say that it is abhorrent, um, but, the hard part—and this is the hard part about believing in freedom—is, if you believe in the First Amendment, for example—you have too, for example, most good defenders of the First Amendment will believe in abhorrent groups standing up and saying awful things. . . . It’s the same way with other behaviors. In a free society, we will tolerate boorish people, who have abhorrent behavior.

Hmmm, let's see an example of what those "boorish people" Rand Paul believes a free society must tolerate:

Freedom looks like the bomb, yo!

So you see people, it's really quite simple. Rand Paul despises racism, hates it from deep within his caring (whites-only) soul, but, at the same time, wants to allow businesses to be racist. He wouldn't go to that particular business of course, because of all its racism etc, and knows in his Confederate heart that no one else in America would patron such a terrible segregated establishment. But he nonetheless believes in the possibility that somewhere, someone could open up a racist business or restaurant before instantly going bankrupt and being forced to close because no one likes its racist food or souvenirs, or whatever bigoted trinkets are being sold.

Ideally, a racist business could exist, but only in that one nanosecond of time before it was forced to shutter its windows because no one would go to such such a terrible, racist establishment in this perfect, utopian color-blind world we currently live in. Especially in Kentucky!

It's the perfect balance between maximum individual freedom and minimum collective racism!

See, it's so simple!

Sure, Rand Paul did have to fire his campaign spokesman Chris Hightower for a comment posted on his MySpace page around Martin Luther King Day that read: "HAPPY N***ER DAY!!!" above a photo of a black man being lynched. Oh, and Hightower, who was also the frontman of a local Megadeth-style metal band called Commander, wrote a very nice little post referring to "Afro-Americans" titled "Blacks don't like my Napalm Death hoodie:"

"So, I was in Rivergate Mall today in line to get some pizza and I noticed a group of Afro-Americans were looking at me with hate and whispering stuff. I was wondering WTF and proceeded to sit facing them and give them the 'what the fuck are you looking at look.' Anyway after a few snarls they quit looking at me. I was like do these fuckers think I am someone else or what? Anyway I finished my food and went to find some new shoes. About 10 minutes later, another group of Afro-Americans are giving me the same looks, it then dawns on me, there has to be something on this hoodie that is pissing off the Afro-Americans. And sure enough when I get outside the mall I look and bingo. KKK .... LOL!"

OH, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! That guy's hilarious!

Surely, Dr. Rand Paul must have thought so?

"The images were not placed there by this employee but by someone posting on the site. These images in no way represent Dr. Paul or his campaign nor do they represent the beliefs of this staff member. These images are reprehensible and have no place in civil discourse."

Of course they don't!

According to Paul himself, "I have never heard a single utterance of racism from this staffer nor do I believe him to have any racist tendencies. However, it is impossible to present the ideas and reforms we need in this country with this controversy present. Therefore I have accepted his resignation."

Ooooh, I get it now! Rand Paul is not racist; just crazy! Crazy like a Republican 'Doubling Down' on the fact that he also happens to live in the birthplace of CRAZY, where heart attacks don't just happen, but come deep fried, smothered in secret spices, and served in a delicious variety bucket with a side of biscuits 'n slaw.

The GOP's Spectacular Special Election Failure, Round One (Of Many)

Oh sweet Jesus, this feels good! After months of agonizing GOP shrieks and wild bonfire dancing over the Democrats all-but-certain election Obamageddon, thanks to all the alleged GOP momentum following Scott Brown's birthday suit surprise victory in Massachusetts, the time has come to laugh, baby laugh your liberal elitist arugula-eating asses off at what happens when Republican meets Reality.

And, let's just say if you're a proud member of the Grand Old Party of living fossils, it's about as pretty as John Boehner's tan is natural. Or say, Mitch McConnell's face after learning that his handpicked successor to replace that a**hole with a fastball Jim Bunning, Trey Grayson, just got his rear end beer-battered and Kentucky fried right out of contention, in favor of an adorable redneck in Bermuda shorts by the name of Rand Paul, whose daddy Ron Paul is also a famous hero who hates taxes, abortions, and letting gays do gross, gayish things to each other.

So now that Rand Paul won the Republican primary in Kentucky all by his grown-up self, without any help from his much kinder, gentler, old radical father, the Libertarian Jesus, Ron, or the established National Republican Party, he is sure to do very well in the general elections when he runs against a Democrat who does not believe in bombing countries for fun or letting states decide whether to let black people have equal rights. This is considered too crazy even by 21st century Kentucky standards. I mean this isn't Alabama here, people!

Anyway thanks to the GOP's embarrassing Bluegrass blowout, looks like there's more than a slight chance Kentucky's senate seat may actually flip Democrat(!) and Mitch McConnell will be forced to retreat back into his turtle shell, which is good news for the rest of us. Hey, we'll take whatever we can get.

So let's see how the rest of the gleeful, oil-drenched Grand Old Party of Lipton bags and senior citizens' monstrous takeover of Congress is going, shall we?

In the only House race that mattered to both parties—the special election to replace the late Democratic Rep. John Murtha in Pennsylvania’s 12th District—the Republicans failed spectacularly, losing on a level playing field where, in this favorable environment, they should have easily sent the opposition scrambling like a Mexican in Arizona. Assuming they haven't completed the danged fence, that is.

But instead, Democrat Mark Critz cruised past Republican Tim Burns in what can only be seen as a sign of things to come (the beginning of the end) for everyone's favorite party of NO, HELL NO, and NOT IN YOUR GOD DAMN DREAMS!

As First Read notes, "if the GOP couldn't win here--the only congressional seat that John Kerry won in '04 but Obama lost in '08--it's not going to have an easy time netting the 40 House seats in November it needs to retake the House."

You don't say!

Meanwhile, in Pennsylvania's Senate race, real, live Democrat Rep. Joe Sestak defeated desperate Republican-turned-sort-of-Democrat Sen. Arlen Specter for the Democratic nomination, with polls actually showing Sestak as the stronger candidate against Republican Pat Toomey in the general election (gasp!). Wow, these Republicans are sure on a roll...

Right off the nearby cliff, but a rolls a roll, no? Throw some thinly sliced beef smothered in cheese atop and hell, you got Philly's finest right there in your hand.

Sure beats taking a bite out of Toomey.

"The Republican strategy of just trying to focus on personalities, whether President Obama or Speaker Pelosi, that’s not a winning strategy," Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee Chairman Chris Van Hollen said.

Ummm, what do you expect them to do? Focus on Republican personalities? HAHAHAHAHAHA, yeah you try to hold a conversation with John McCain or John Boehner, see how well that works out for you.

Republicans made little attempt to sugar-coat (gay!) the results, with National Republican Congressional Committee Chairman Pete Sessions saying, “Tonight’s result was undoubtedly disappointing, but we will take the lessons learned from this campaign and move forward in preparation for November.”

Anyone know if Subway's still hiring??

Good thing there are few things Republicans enjoy more than getting gagged, bound, beaten, and humiliated into submission. Usually they prefer lesbian strippers, but I guess they can make an exception this one time.

“This hard-fought race gave us an early preview of what Democrats will attempt to do in the fall in order to survive,” Sessions said. “They will steer clear of publicly campaigning with President Obama and Speaker Pelosi, distance themselves from the Democratic agenda, and attempt to co-opt Republican positions on the issues.”

Blindfolded and down on all fours while Michael Steele stuffs dollar bills down their lace n' leather pants?

Eh, suddenly, regulating Wall Street and immigration reform doesn't sound too bad after all!

Dare I even say, sexy?