President Obama Agrees To Reduce Smog Regulations Because Clean Air Is Socialist (And Also Because Republicans Told Him So!)

So the inane, demented, "Are We Congressman or Kindergarteners" playground scuffle time slot slug fest between the White House and John Boehner's office is now officially over, with Barack Obama giving up even faster than usual in some lame misguided attempt to placate his Grand Old enemies, who'd like nothing more than to ship him back to deepest darkest Africa, at the expense of alienating those who actually matter, like say, the unemployed, NFL-watching, Snuggie-wearing, Pringles-stuffing, American public.

Maybe if Aaron Rodgers was the one giving the jobs speech, things would've been different?? But since he was blessed with arm strength, not oratory skills, President of capitulation, Barack Obama, will no longer deliver his very important jobs speech during Wednesday night's network premiere "Are you dumber than a Teabagger?" GOP presidential debate, and instead speak the following evening, on the one night America forgets the fact that it's fat, broke, and jobless in order to watch grown men in neon tights bend, grunt, and toss an oblong ball as an excuse to jump on each other in sweaty piles during the NFL season opener.

The date Obama requested falls on the same day as one of the Republican presidential debates, this one the first to feature Texas Gov. Rick Perry. Instead, Obama will now be competing against the NFL season opener.
Obama and Boehner squared off Wednesday, not over the contents of the speech but the date on which Obama will give it.
The White House and the Speaker’s office were at odds over whether the president’s staff had talked to Boehner’s office about the date before announcing it to the press.
Both sides dug in on their arguments, with Boehner’s office saying that the White House had only given them a heads up shortly before announcing the date instead of talking with the speaker about the schedule.

Sorry, Obama, parenting presidenting is hard work!

The big question now becomes what other terrible Republican ideas (or death wishes, if you prefer) will Obama give in to next to spare America the pain and suffering of being once again drowned in John Boehner's unnaturally orange-colored booze tears?

Will President Obama finally grant the GOP their Christmas wishlist of giant white corporate castles built from the bones of immigrants and welfare recipients, surrounded by a moat of sludge-filled toxic ooze teeming with delicious, regulation-free, three-headed mutant fish?

Oooh, ooh, or maybe he'll order the EPA to withdraw a proposal for tighter smog regulations, so that America’s children might have less oxygen flowing to their brains on their way to school and everyone can feel the wondrous pleasure of choking on their own beautifully capitalist, albeit highly noxious fumes. Merry lung cancer, America!

Maybe that will help Obama win the GOP's love!? Probably not, though!

In a dramatic reversal, President Barack Obama on Friday scrubbed a clean-air regulation that aimed to reduce health-threatening smog, yielding to bitterly protesting businesses and congressional Republicans who complained the rule would kill jobs in America’s ailing economy.
Withdrawal of the proposed regulation marked the latest in a string of retreats by the president in the face of GOP opposition, and it drew quick criticism from liberals.
Environmentalists, a key Obama constituency, accused him of caving to corporate polluters, and the American Lung Association threatened to restart the legal action it had begun against rules proposed by President George W. Bush.

Yes, but the important question is, did he please a one John Boehner with all this wonderful human suffering?

A spokesman for House Speaker John Boehner, R-Ohio, had muted praise for the White House, saying that withdrawal of the smog regulation was a good first step toward removing obstacles that are blocking business growth.

**Cough, cough** How sweet, he's too choked up to speak!

But perhaps more than some of the other regulations under attack, the ground-level ozone standard is most closely associated with public health — something the president said he wouldn’t compromise in his regulatory review.

Ozone is the main ingredient in smog, which is a powerful lung irritant that occasionally forces cancellation of school recesses, and causes asthma and other lung ailments.

Oooh, sounds sexy!

Naturally, the greedy bastards brilliant business minds at the Chamber of Commerce reacted with typical glee. "This an enormous victory for America's job creators, the right decision by the President, and one that will help reduce the uncertainty facing businesses."

Less so for the uncertainty facing Mother Earth.

Meanwhile, environmental groups were unrestrained in their disdain toward the decision. "The Obama administration is caving to big polluters at the expense of protecting the air we breathe," League of Conservation Voters President Gene Karpinski said. "This is a huge win for corporate polluters and huge loss for public health."

What ever do you mean?

Corporations are people, too! Now they just happen to be people who can now legally go around poisoning children.

There's your job creating right there!

Oh, and as an added bonus, the debt ceiling will now be covered in lead-based paint and insulated with asbestos. Hooray for America!

What Do You Call A Massive Boehner Who Laughs At The Total Collapse Of Our Economy? Speaker Of The House, Of Course!

It's Monday in America, meaning it's a brand new week for the very mature adults in Congress to flitter about like special needs schoolchildren, while our nation teeters towards the brink of catastrophic self-induced collapse.

Hooray!?

Of course, being the mature, weeping, unnaturally orange-tinted Republican House Speaker that he is, John Boehner has naturally decided to stop speaking to anyone and everyone and write his own terrible debt plan instead.

Conversely, boring, normal flesh-colored Democratic Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid has also decided to stop talking to everyone and opted to craft his very own $2.7 trillion deficit reduction plan, too. So there!

The good news is that both plans do effectively raise the debt limit on or before August 2, avoiding a catastrophic default and turning America into one great big deadbeat dad who refuses to pay child support, so he can watch the game on his new flat screen teevee and drown his sorrows in 40oz of whatever kind of beer it is they package in troughs and sell to poor people wearing wife beaters in the middle of the day.

In fact, the only major difference is whether the debt limit should be raised all the way into 2013, or whether Congress should redo this entire hellish debate again early next year to force Democrats and Republicans to pass entitlement and tax reforms because total dysfunction and the possible financial meltdown of America is one helluva good time! Amiright??

The bad news, however, is that each side is expected to reject the other's plan and we'll continue to be royally fucked, which is pretty much what happens when a bunch of immature asshats are put in positions of power and tasked with handling very important issues.

TPM reports:

Chuck Schumer (D-NY), Reid said Boehner's plan can't pass the Senate and even if it could Obama would veto it.

"The Republicans' short-term plan is a non-starter in the Senate and in the White House," Reid said. Schumer called Reid's plan a fair compromise. "At this point there is no alternative other than default, and no basis for Republicans rejecting the proposal other than that they want a default," Schumer added. 

Whoa, whoa, whoa, easy, Chuck! Don't put words into their mouths! It's not the economy they're desperately trying to gut like a fish and plunge down a filthy, slimy chute into the toilet. It's the president, silly!

What is so hard to understand here, people??

According to Politico:

A day after breathless news reports that a deal was imminent, John Boehner jokingly told his conference that he had reached a sweeping agreement with President Barack Obama to slash trillions of dollars in government spending.

“I’m just kidding,” he added, drawing a laugh from rank-and-file Republicans, according to those in the room.

Oh, hahahahahaha! Since everyone, or at least that one huge Boehner, looooooves jokes so much, here's one: Republicans are NOT going to crash our economy, destroy our credit rating, and cost us trillions in extra interest on the national debt.

Just kidding!

They'll just fire more teachers and tell more old people to go to hell.

Ya know, compromise!

President Barack Obama Becomes The Newest Politician To Tweet His Private Thoughts, Hopefully Not His Private Parts

Barack Obama, aka Barry from the block (Pennsylvania Ave, what what!) finally got around to installing the Twitter application on his Blackberry, probably now that the rest of the dorks in Congress have taken a collective, much needed break from incessantly tweeting fuzzy pics of their genitalia and other wonderful congressional delights in 140 characters or less.

Which, sadly, means the world may never know what kind of booze John Boehner prefers (whatever you got) or which gas-guzzling, environment-destroying, ridiculously dumb lawn mower contraption Chuck Grassley rides when not passing terrible laws or fighting for corporations' rights to fleece poor schlubs like me, you, and anyone else without endless hours of free time or acres of Iowa cornfields to pretend to mow, poorly.

But, noooooooooooooo!

Instead, we're stuck with the world's lamest Twitterer, BO tweeting about how "Being President is not as hard as being a father" instead of sending fun, exciting pictures of his package nestled cozily in its resting place below his golf shorts where a presidential penis ought to be.

So thank you "Body Odor" for letting everyone know that being a parent is harder than being a president. Turns out, it's also more rewarding! Probably because when he tells Sasha and Malia what's going on, he doesn't also have to explain basic math, grammar, economics, history, science, geography, and the basic laws of the universe every single damn time, over and over again, as though it were the first time they've ever heard of anything, other than Socialism and Fox News.

Because being president is like dealing with millions of kids in diapers except substitute kids in diapers for old, racist white people with Alzheimer's.

So, umm, mind if we take that terrible job leading the Earth, then?

But before we're too hard, let's not forget that BO is new to this whole type 140 characters onto a keypad and press enter thing. He doesn't yet understand the point of Twitter isn't to share random, profanity-free thoughts about your current employment situation, inform people on upcoming campaign events, offer ways to improve the economy, or anything boring and substantive like that.

Tsk, tsk! Dumb rookie!

Obama will just have to learn to stick to tweeting rambling, incoherent, often inflammatory gibberish he simply invented, or better yet, pulled out of his ass that the lamestream media can then endlessly obsess over and gleefully call "breaking news stories." Or just call Sarah Palin for help, because you betcha she is already very good at the whole spewing nonsense stuff.

Or if you're really desperate (like John McCain/Newt Gingrich desperate), just snap a pic or two of the biggest Boehner and/or Weiner you can find, which will likely be sobbing like a schoolgirl on the nearest golf course, and local rehab facility, respectively.

Anthony Weiner (& His Weiner) Head To Rehab To Learn How To Have A Proper Sex Scandal...The Kind That Involves Actually Getting Laid

So now that Anthony Weiner and his rock hard weiner abs have been turning up every which way in the never-ending dick joke that is now his life, the once-promising, loudmouth, star New York congressman has decided to do what every other shamed (Democratic) politician does when caught doing weird, naughty things: cries like a baby and goes to "rehab."

So condolences to CNN, MSNBC, CBS, PBS, ABC, and most of all, Fox News, whose days of providing cocksure liberal Anthony Weiner the perfect forum on which to hear his own terribly annoying voice, has been cut short, thanks to the terrible disease known as Twitter banging random womenfolk with sexytime pics of his luscious manscape.

And now, like Tiger Woods before him, Anthony Weiner is off to the crazy house, for treatment on how to avoid publicly humiliating yourself by sending pics of your peen en masse to unsuspecting women on the internets. Then maybe everyone will forget that his sordid sex scandal didn't even involve actual sex (sordid or otherwise) but rather just a bunch of tasteless photos of a shirtless Weiner grabbing his own weiner before most likely rubbing one out in the congressional gym shower.

And hopefully this scandal too will fizzle out, fall off the top of Google News, and return to its final resting place in the subconscious minds of the public as a constant reminder that all politicians are in fact lying scumbags who could maybe get something done if they didn't spend all their time admiring the stimulus package tucked beneath their pleated Dockers through a steamy, fogged up mirror.

It doesn't help that everybody who's anybody wants Weiner to quit and go away already, with Nancy Pelosi saying very stern, Grandma-ish things about how he should seek mental help “without the pressures of being a member of Congress.”

Oh please, like being insane ever stopped anyone from being in Congress!

Even President Obama got into the mix, saying, "I can tell you that, if it was me, I would resign."

Ummm, yeah Obama, because that would ever be you. Besides, everyone knows if it was you sending cock shots to teenagers on Twitter, you'd be less worried about your job and more concerned with getting your skinny ass into the Witness Protection Program before Michelle finds out and goes all Lorena Bobbitt on you.

In the meantime, Weiner hasn't resigned but is instead seeking some kind of "treatment" at an undisclosed treatment center somewhere in America, perhaps using a discount coupon from the new adult sexting startup: GropeOn.

As of now, House Democrats get to keep their Weiner, Republicans still have their Boehner, and Anthony Weiner accomplished his life-long goal of introducing the nation to its newest (and cockiest!) congressional member.

And from what we hear, he's a lot like his daddy: a real prick!

Don't Worry America, Congress Will Still Get Paid During Government Shutdown Over Ladies & Their Lady Parts

Just in case you were concerned about how Michele Bachmann, John Boehner, John McCain, Joe Wilson, that Nelson nutjob from Nebraska, and all the rest of the lunatic wingnuts comprising America's esteemed 112th Congress are going to survive the Great Government Shutdown of 2011, fear not my friends! They can still get paid, and probably will too, because unpaid furloughs are for losers and poors like teachers and police officers, not millionaire legislators charged with the difficult task of deciding what a woman can and cannot do with her sinful, lust-filled body.

About 800,000 federal workers would be sent home without pay if Congress fails to negotiate a budget deal by Friday night. But whether lawmakers would require themselves to take the same medicine is unclear.

Under House rules, lawmakers have the authority to determine who on their staffs would remain at work as "essential'' employees and who would be furloughed during a shutdown."

Oooh, oooh, please say prostitutes, mistresses, exotic escorts, and underage senate pages qualify as essential!

Lawmakers would continue to get paid during a shutdown, unless the full Congress voted otherwise. Both the House and Senate have voted to suspend their own pay during a shutdown, but as part of legislation that has not passed the other chamber, the Wall Street Journal reports.

Well I should certainly hope so! What the hell does this look like, Soviet Russia or something?

But just in case of the off chance that filthy rich, striking politicians continuing to get paid while shutting down operations may look bad to the average schlub, some noble legislators have suggested doing something else with the money (they don't need anyway), like skipping their salaries, shooting the paycheck with a .308 Winchester rifle, or maybe even giving it to gross "charity" or whatever.

On Thursday, some lawmakers said they didn’t believe they should keep their salaries during a shutdown. West Virginia Sen. Joe Manchin, a Democrat, urged his colleagues to return such pay to the Treasury or give it to charity. “I can’t imagine that the president, vice president or any member of Congress—Republican or Democrat—thinks they should get paid when the government has shut down,” Mr. Manchin said.

Poor U.S. representatives! How on God's once-green Earth will they make do on their stock dividends, corporate speaking fees, PAC petty cash accounts, and trust funds alone? Oh, the humanity!

Luckily, their "essential" staffers will still be around to sign for the unmarked boxes of freshly squeezed poor people's tears, tightly packed placentas fresh from the womb, and plentiful stacks of oil-dipped hundred dollar bills courtesy of the Koch brothers.

From TPM:

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) has laid a final offer at Republicans' feet, and it will require them to drop their insistence on defunding Planned Parenthood, and accepting what Reid insists is an agreed upon level of spending cuts. If Republicans don't take it, and if Reid's not bluffing, the government will shutdown.

"The number we're not bending on," he told reporters in a press briefing Friday morning. "We're not bending on that and we're not bending on women's health."

The ball is effectively now in House Speaker John Boehner's court. Republicans have signaled a willingness to drop the Planned Parenthood rider in exchange for more spending cuts. But Reid says they've agreed on cut number — $78 billion below President Obama's budget request last year, or about $38 billion off current spending.

Not that it's even about budget cuts or reducing spending at this point. A few billion here, a few billion there. Yawn. What's the diff, right?

C'mon, didn't you people learn anything? It is always about abortion! Even if the Democrats do the unthinkable and cave in to the ludicrous amount of cuts Republicans want to make, everyone knows the GOP will still insist on using it's big orange Boehner to stick in policy riders to defund Planned Parenthood, cripple health care reform, and inform the slutty environment it's not a rape victim when corporations pummel it because it was totally begging for it with its skimpy, half-naked ozone and come drill me mantle.

Another Day, Another Weeping Orange Boehner Wets Himself For No Reason

Democrats and Republicans might be on the verge of shutting down the big, bad gubmint (hooray?) due to some alleged financial dispute, but beloved members of both of our nation's dumb political parties can at least still agree on one thing: even House Speaker John Boehner's inappropriate, borderline hysterical booze tears won't be enough to save the nation now.

After meeting with his Senate majority counterpart (minus the drinking problem), Harry Reid, to discuss always-riveting budget negotiations, John Boehner once again returned to his House Republican caucus to deliver what's come to be known as the sob heard 'round the world.

"Yes. He cried, but only briefly," said one person at the meeting.

Phew! I mean we wouldn't want the ol' Boehns to waste all his glowing moisture droplets in one fell swoop, now would we? Let's just hope he can better budget his tear ducts than he can the actual budget!

So yes it looks like the government is going to shut down tomorrow night because, like, who needs law and order anyway? Certainly not Libya...or the United States!

Because Republicans will NOT do anything, I repeat anything until Obama and the God-awful Democrats agree to withhold all funds for anyone not still connected to a placenta or serving in unnecessary military invasions or occupations overseas.

Ya know, the important people.

But leave it to those pesky Democrats to refuse the Republicans' asinine demands and instead do something really crazy like actually stand up for spending money on some stuff, just to keep the ol' government coiffers filled and humming dysfunctionally along.

The nerve!

The one-week stopgap drafted by House Republicans would provide money through Sept. 30 for the Pentagon, which has said the budget fight is causing considerable problems for the military. The inclusion of the military spending should win support for the bill even from House conservatives who had previously said they would not back any more temporary spending measures. It also allows Republicans to say they are making certain that troops fighting overseas do not miss a paycheck.

Oooh, thank heavens Republicans don't have to worry about people saying they don't sufficiently love the troops with all their ice cold, corporate-sponsored, oil-soaked li'l hearts, since this is pretty much the only thing that concerns the Grand Old Party, other than legislating what a woman can or cannot do with her hooha.

Priorities, people!

“There is an intent on both sides to continue to work together to try to resolve this. No one wants the government to shut down," Boehner said, his lower lip once again quivering and eyes filling with faux warm wet droplets. Wink, wink.

Haha, dumb Democrats didn't even realize his fingers were crossed behind his back, which everyone knows is the universal sign for psyching out Democratic congressmen (and women!).

Which isn't all that hard when all you have to do is demand a bunch of outrageous, nonsensical concessions from the party in power and call it a comprise, stockpile some tear ducts, gather a crowd of lamestream jourrnalists, and scare the bejesus out of caring Democrats by making yet another half-hearted, ill-intended promise to shutdown the terrible, no-good government everyone hates except when Republicans are running it.

 “I’ve got to tell you all that I like the president personally,” John Boehner said. “We get along well. But the president isn’t leading. He didn’t lead on last year’s budget, and he clearly is not leading on this year’s budget.”

Unlike a certain Speaker Leaker of the House, whose unparalleled leadership skills can clearly be seen by the trail of bourbon-flavored tear drops leading to the one place America can't afford to shut down: the local tanning salon, duh!

Which is still a helluva lot better than the latest, greatest GOP "compromise" the Republicans will cook up next, if they want to avoid government shutdown another two weeks: the immediate killing of the first born child in every Democratic family.

See, told ya governing is easy!

President Obama Unveils 2012 Budget, Which Republicans Vow To Fund Using Glenn Beck's Gold -Plated Coins, Pixie Dust, & Rosary Beads

President Barack Obama is positively hellbent on "Winning the Future" and in his crazy, radical, hippie-dippie, elitist, Socialist, Muslim, Terrorist world, that entails doing crazy, radical things like making sure America's kids are educated enough to read, write, and at the very least, spell their offensive, racist protest signs properly, and demanding that U.S. multinational conglomerates occasionally pay a few dollars of tax so Uncle Sam doesn't have to cut programs that help the very poorest and most vulnerable do things like buy food and pay their heating bills so they don't starve or freeze to death this winter.

Well, this does not sit very well with congressional Republicans who are less concerned with pathetic olds and poors, and more concerned with something called the deficit, all $3.7 trillion dollars of it!

Good thing then that President Obama's 2012 budget proposal cuts the federal deficit by $1.1 trillion over the next 10 years, courtesy of a sensible combination of spending cuts and ending lucrative tax breaks for Billionaires who don't need it, so they will invest in remodeling their own deluxe marble his & her bathroom to help the nation get back on budgetary track.

"Cutting spending is important, but we can't sacrifice our future in the process," Obama said. "We have a responsibility to invest in those areas that will have a big impact."

How else will we be able to smart bomb Muslims with pin-point precision and state-of-the-art stealth?

"Education is an essential part so that every American is equipped to compete with any worker, anywhere in the world," Obama said. "Engineering and math, critical thinking, problem solving, these are the kinds of subjects and skills our children need."

Nonsense! Those are wacky, liberal skills only arugula-eating elitists with hoity-toity things like jobs need.

But still, a trillion dollars! Poof! Cut! In only a decade! Which, for Republicans, is the equivalent of amazing, mind-blowingly wild, NSA sex with Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition supermodels in a WWF-size ring filled with the sweat & tears of children and luxurious warmth of petroleum oil.

So what does all of this even mean? It means that Eric Cantor does not approve, that's what!

According to The Hill:

House Majority Leader Eric Cantor, R-Va., called Obama’s proposal a missed opportunity to address the nation’s fiscal problems.
“We need a government that finally does what every other American has to do in their households and their businesses, and that’s to live within our means,” Cantor said in a statement. “Instead, President Obama’s budget doubles down on the bad habits of the past four years by calling for more taxes, spending and borrowing of money that we simply do not have.”

Amen, Young Gun Eric! Finally someone understands the way things work in the real world, known as Republican magic happy land.

The wondrous place where kids are taught to read, write, and 'rithmetic not by teachers in the classroom, but by building stealth fighter jets, bunker busters, and massive oil rigs under the supervision of military generals in cramped Chinese factories. Where old, crumbling roads, bridges, and buildings are fixed by praying to Jesus Christ, and bloated budgets are balanced by Ronnie Reagan's Economic Law of stealing from the poor and giving to the rich so they can keep laundering all their profits through the Cayman Islands or Switzerland, for freedom. Where America is once again restored to its former greatness, and able to trickle its Glorious Exceptionalism down on the world below by something even more miraculous than Glenn Beck's magical VapoRub droplets, John Boehners glowing, orange tears, or Eric Cantor's smugly ambitious, albeit suspiciously saline-free, crocodile ones.

Like say the Republicans' inexplicable ability to stave off extinction and serve in Congress instead.

House Republicans' New Bill Offers Variety Of Helpful Hints On Proper (Federally Funded!) Ways To Be Raped

Ah, Republicans. The kind of wonderful, caring, Constitution-loving individuals who know that when life hands you lemons, say, by getting incestuously raped and impregnated by your drunkard father, Jesus wants you to make lemon meringue pie in the form of Sharron Angle's special, secret homemade recipe for coping with unspeakable tragedy (psst: it's called insanity!).

But if you can't handle the heat, get your ass out of the kitchen, as some enlightened Republicans and assorted other spicy fruit flavors of far right teabaggers are so very fond of saying! Legislatively speaking, of course!

Which is simply amazing! Err, unless, you happen to be one of the hapless harlots dumb enough to get raped, incested, or otherwise unwittingly left with a bun in the oven, and would like to maybe get some federal assistance to help pay for the abortion costs.

Haha, sorry sweet tits!

Thanks to House Republicans' latest legislative push through the congressional chambers to help regulate what women across America ought to be permitted to push through their own feminine chambers, Uncle Sam's coiffers will (God-willing!) be slammed shut in the very near future.

It is called the "No Taxpayer Funding for Abortion Act," and it is a top priority in John Boehner's newer, brighter, glowing orange House, because it protects your precious federal money from funding wayward sluts who have subjected themselves to rape, lest they be one of the lucky li'l ladies who've been "forcibly raped," which naturally doesn't include a woman who was drugged or date raped.

Those bitches were soooooo asking for it!

So remember to heed the wise words of the Republican Party. Next time you are raped, just make sure that you have full mental capacities, have not been drugged (look alive, woman!), and please, please make sure the guy is doing it really hard, preferably like a deranged jackhammer hard! Because everyone, or at least House Republicans, know that rape is only really rape if it involves force. And plenty of it!

Other types of rapes that would no longer be covered by the exemption include rapes in which the woman was drugged or given excessive amounts of alcohol, rapes of women with limited mental capacity, and many date rapes. “There are a lot of aspects of rape that are not included,” Laurie Levenson says.
As for the incest exception, the bill would only allow federally funded abortions if the woman is under 18.

Oh yeah, and statutory rape. Like say, if a 13-year-old girl is impregnated by a 24-year-old adult, she would no longer qualify to have Medicaid pay for an abortion, thanks to the diligent efforts of 173 mostly Republican men, fortunate enough to not have the reproductive organs necessary for forced penetration & impregnation, like silly women who are weak and stupid.

Hooray!

"This bill takes us back to a time when just saying 'no' wasn't enough to qualify as rape," says Steph Sterling, a lawyer and senior adviser to the National Women's Law Center.

Ah yes, the good old days!

But some like Donna Crane, the policy director of NARAL Pro-Choice America, say that making the "already narrow exceptions for public funding of abortion care for rape and incest survivors even more restrictive is unbelievably cruel and heartless."

Oooh, Jesus would be so proud!

"This bill goes far beyond current law," says Democratic Rep. Diana DeGette of Colorado, a co-chair of the congressional pro-choice caucus. "The re-definition of the rape exception is only one element of an extreme bill that pro-abortion rights groups believe would lead to the end of private health insurance coverage for abortion."

Take that Socialist baby killers!

Of course, if you have any additional suggestions of types of rape that House Republicans can cruelly and wantonly carve out of medical/legal protection next, or are just curious when they are finally going to pass a law granting the rapist full naming and paternal rights over the baby the victim is forced to have, please do not hesitate to let the Republican Study Committee know. They can't wait to hear from you!

***Disclaimer:*** Women and those under the age of 18 are prohibited from contacting their congressmen without proper supervision by a qualified male, equipped with the adequate testosterone levels and reasoning skills to make informed, intelligent decisions about what a woman should and should not do with her body.

It's His House & He'll Cry If He Wants To

Get your man pants on, people!

Weeping orange boner John Boehner apparently did not get the GOP memo about how real Republican men don't start moaning and wailing like some skirt-wearing sissy queer, they buck the hell up, put on their manliest pair of testosterone-infused man pants (Brett Favre's Wranglers?) and leave the leaky faucet estrogen act to the li'l lady whose Speaker gavel now rests in their Grand Ol' Possession.

Because America's newest Speaker Weeper of the House doesn't need an actual reason to sob on national television like the emotional dude or alcoholic madman on the verge of a nervous breakdown that he is, just like he doesn't need the sun's UV rays to achieve that natural "Rusty Nail" hue that is his skin color.

"I've never been in a tanning salon in my life, I've never used a tanning product in my life," Boehner said, pausing to wipe away the fat, wet drops of Fanta-colored tears streaming down his face.

His wife Debbie said he's had dark skin, a happy hour buzz, and the emotional stability of a playground schoolgirl, since she's known him.

During an interview on "60 Minutes," host Leslie Stahl asked the new House Speaker why he got so choked up on election night.

"Talking, trying to talk about the fact that I've been chasing the American dream my whole career," Boehner said.

She better be smokin' hottttt, what with all the time he's spent chasing the sexy thing always playin' hard-to-get, teasin' him with her mini skirt and thigh-high f**k me boots.

“Some things, there are some things that are very difficult to talk about. Family, kids — I can’t go to a school anymore, I used to go to a lot of schools. You see all these little kids running around, can’t talk about it,” Boehner said. “Making sure that these kids have a shot at the American dream, like I did, is important.”

So there you have it, folks. John Boehner can no longer set foot in a school, or watch kids run around chasing dreams 'n cooties 'n stuff, because he might drown in all his tears. He can also no longer conduct so much as a single interview without breaking down and weeping hysterically on prime-time teevee all because that no-good bully Barack Obama called him a big, meany hostage man in front of everyone.

In the “60 Minutes” interview, Boehner said Obama showed him “disrespect” by calling him a hostage-taker.

“Excuse me, Mr. President I thought the election was over,” Boehner said, according to a transcript obtained by POLITICO. “You know, you get a lot of that heated rhetoric during an election. But now it’s time to govern.”

Govern...ya know, the stuff you do to look busy, and hopefully keep your cheeks nice 'n dry like your fave martini, between tee times and happy hour.

"What you see is what you get," Boehner added. "I know who I am and I'm comfortable in my own skin, and everybody who knows me knows that I get emotional about certain things."

Like say a certain half-black president choosing to go public and speak honestly about you and your pale Republican cohorts negotiating in bad faith. Boo hoo.

Tears? No, no, them there's Freedom Drops!

It may take a true Boehner to cry spontaneously and without provocation, but only a real Dick does it solely when talking about his own, sweet sufferin' sunkissed leaker Speaker self.

The Orangeman Cometh...To Walk The Line Or Burn Down The House?

Get excited America, because last night was the night Republicans "took back Washington" from smart presidents with scary brown skin, wrested control of the House from that no-good Nazi Pelosi lady always prattling on about silly things like equality and helping those gross poors and gays, and with the blessings of Jesus Christ, the bear market, and throngs of colonial-clad conservatives, hand power to its newest, glowingest orange leader John Boehner so he and the rest of the Grand Old Patriots can enact their wonderful agenda impeaching NObama, privatizing the Constitution, and stomping on liberal ladies' heads for freedom.

Hooray!

Of course, this grand ol' takeover could not have been possible without both the crazy, caffeinated wave of misspelled sign-waving Teabaggers and the brilliant speechwriting team of Mr. John Boehner, who has been traversing the country, invoking fond, imagined memories of dead entertainers and country singers in some fairytale mom & pop America of yesteryear that exists only in the minds of desperate, power starved Republicans, Sears Christmas catalogs, the writers of Mad Men, and apparently John Boehner.

"Remember when Ronald Reagan was president? We had Bob Hope. We had Johnny Cash. Think about where we are today. We have got President Obama. But we have no hope and we have no cash."

Awww, snap! High fives all around for Boehner's speechwriting team! Dropping the names of three unrelated semi-iconic Americans in some lame, pathetic attempt to connect these cultural legends with some nostalgia washed, romanticized version of the good, old Ronny Reagan era of trickle down economics, corporate consolidation, and social rollbacks?

Hell, that's like the rhetorical equivalent of those graphic tees where Kurt Cobain shreds the axe with Jimi Hendrix on fluffy white clouds, surrounded by beautiful angels in heaven, while God smiles down from above.

So umm, go Boehner!?

Amiright?

Eh, not according to the people who are actually related to a certain Mr. Johnny Cash, like outspoken daughter, singer and author Roseanne who took to the Twitter to blast the now-new glowing Speaker of the House John Boehner in 140 choice characters (or less!) as an orange butt-shaped hat, what else?

"Asshat!" Well, that is pretty much a fitting description of the man.

Remember when W was President and America had all the Bush it could ever hope for? We had Bob Hope False Hope. We had Johnny Cash. Corporate Cash. Think about where we are today. We have no hope and we have no cash, but we do have one helluva big, orange Boehner!

A true Republican of color.

Ah yes, the future is indeed bright (orange), teeming with optimism (and cigarette tar), and sizzling with possibilities, not to mention, the burnt, electric UV ray fried brain of an abnormally orange overlord.

That's House Majority Leader "Asshat" Boehner to you!

It's mourning in America, or at least for those of us with critical thinking skills, fair skin, and an aversion to celebrating Ash Wednesday, every time a new chain-smoking Grand Old Pall Mall Patriot becomes Speaker of the House.

Let's just hope Capitol Hill is flame-retardant.

Republicans Unveil Pledge To Rid America Of Silly Solutions, Gross Diversity, And Deviant Liberal Equality

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Unlike Fat Cat Republicans, Working MaSTIFF Barack Obama Is Blue Collar Man's Best Friend

Well, well looky who finally got all fired, err make that all "wee-wee'd up" during a Labor Day speech in Milwaukee, when our suddenly No-More-Mr.-Nice-Guy-President unveiled a $50 billion long-term jobs program, as well as some good, old fashioned, pent-up rage at the Republican Party, who have spent the better part of the last, oh, year and a half telling that no-good bastard NObama exactly where he can stick his stupid stimulus, along with any and every other smart, sensible policy he's conjured up in his vast Socialist plot to save the country from total economical disaster, courtesy of the last Grand Old Patriot we had in office. Probably the same place he pulled that ridiculous "live certificate of birth" out of?

So in honor of this Labor Day holiday when all the nation celebrates the American Worker, Obama rolled up his hard workin' sleeves, unbuttoned his (blue) collar and proved to the world that he too is a poor, hardworking schlub just like the rest of us miserable 9-5 normal workers.

But first, El President had some off-the-teleprompter words for the special interest groups in Washington working hard to derail his agenda, with no regard for the consequences or the effects on the American people, who, as the relaxed button down and casual cotton dockers prove, Obama is clearly one of.

"Some powerful interests who had been dominating the agenda in Washington for a very long time. And they're not always happy with me. They talk about me like a dog," he said, to cheers. "That's not in my prepared remarks, but it's true."

But what does "talk about me like a dog" really mean? They compliment him on his full, shiny coat? Complain about his dirty paws tracking mud all over the house? Laugh at how his tag wails furiously every time Sasha and Malia's school bus pulls up or the postman rings the doorbell?

Could be any number of things! But, still not a bad call Obama. Everyone loves dogs. Plus, a lot of normal Americans have 'em, so they can definitely relate.

But, then BaRUFF Obama, the lovable mutt, took off the muzzle, bared his fangs, and went from American Water Spaniel to African wild dog, unleashing the full wrath of his middle-class, blue collar rage on the Grand Ol' "Party of No," complete with folksy put-downs like, "If I said the sky was blue, they'd say no," and "If I said fish live in the sea, they'd say no."

Yes They Will! Yes They Will!

“These are the folks whose policies helped devastate our middle class and drive our economy into a ditch. And now they're asking you for the keys back,” said Obama of the coming midterm elections. “They think it's better to score political points before an election than actually solve problems."

Err, except that one (half black) problem currently contaminating the once-pure White House! But in the GOP's defense, the last designated driver was sort of drunk when he was behind the wheel, so you know that could help explain the whole driving the country into a ditch thing.

"That philosophy didn't work out so well for middle-class families all across America," Obama said. "It didn't work out so well for our country. All it did was rack up record deficits and result in the worst economic crisis since the Great Depression."

Which Gramps McCain will tell ya, was certainly no picnic in the park with your prepubescent sweetheart, or even an extended stay in a Hanoi prison after crashing your plane deep in enemy territory, for that matter!

Then Obama really laid into glowing orange Republican House Minority Leader and Congresses sole Oompa Loompa, John Boehner, as "The Republican who thinks he's going to take over as speaker"—for his opposition to a plan that would keep government employees for being laid off:

"We're sweating and these guys were watching us and sipping on a Slurpee."

Oooh, good one Barry! Real American workers loooooove all references to frozen confection beverages and also all things relating to animated teevee shows like the Simpsons!

Acknowledging that the past eight months of modest private-sector job growth hasn't been enough to bring down the unemployment rate, Obama vowed to "keep fighting, every single day, every single hour, every single minute to turn this economy around."

Good, 'cause nothin' says 'Real American' like a good, old-fashioned slug fest, 'especially if it involves a sweaty, juiced up guido sucker punching an orange midget with equally bulging breasts in the face during a raucous night of bar-hopping on the Jersey Shore.

Saying economic problems facing families today are "more serious than ever," Obama asked the American people for patience, which, much like taxes and gubmint handouts, is something they don't much like to give.

"Now here's the honest truth, the plain truth. There's no silver bullet, there's no quick fix to these problems."

Arrrrrghhh! Hint to Obama: Much like their get-rich-schemes and ice cold cans of Coors, Americans like their fixes quick and bullet-like!

But nooooo! Obama had to be all honest about how rebuilding the American middle class on stronger foundations, like better education, has required "taking on some powerful interests" and that it will take time to "reverse the damage of a decade worth of policies" that caused the recession.

"That's why we passed financial reform. To provide new accountability and tough oversight of Wall Street."

"To those who may still run for office planning to privatize Social Security, let me be clear: as long as I'm President, I'll fight every effort to take the retirement savings of a generation of Americans and hand it over to Wall Street. Not on my watch."

Make that his old-fashioned pocket watch which his great grandfather gave to his grandfather who gave it to his father who gave it to him who he will give to his grandchild, just like folksy middle class 'mericans and Presidential O-dogs do.

After all, dogs are a man's best friend.

Unlike those clawing, hissing, selfish Grand Old Pussycats who would never, ever let some disgusting foreign(?) mutt regulate their precious Wall Street, and ruin America, on their watch.

Their platinum and gold, diamond bezel, special edition Hello Kitty watch, that is. A gift of gratitude from their very generous, very powerful, very FAT feline and carnivorous mammal friends in the Animal Kingdom.

Lyins, (Tax) Tigers, and Bear Stearns, Oh My!

Except think less LOLcats (save for the misspellt wurds!), more enraged, escaped Siberian tiger from the San Francisco Zoo who hasn't eaten in weeks.

After all, even an ol' mixed breed like Barry knows you can't spell Catastrophe without C-A-T first.

Ain't that the doggone truth?? Make no bones (or Boehners!) about it!

John Boehner's Brain's Been So Fried From Barry's Star Power, He Doesn't Even Feel The Need To Try Anymore!

Oh look, 24 hours have passed since terrible Democrats voted in favor of financial reform, which means glowing orange House Minority Leader John Boehner should have endorsed some new, untenable policy in bad faith, umm, about twenty minutes ago at least!

And like the total boner he is, he did not disappoint. His brilliant idea, this time coming in the form of a moratorium on all new federal regulations for an entire year, for reals.

Here's how it all went down:

Earlier this week, the Senate voted 60-39 to pass Congress’s financial regulatory reform bill, which Obama will likely sign into law next week. The bill, which is a response to the economic crisis started in 2008, largely thanks to the bad behavior by the world's most powerful financial institutions, provides new safeguards and consumer protections so as to help the American public avoid once again being screwed over and thrust into destitution by said financial institutions.

So John Boehner did what any desperate Grand Old Puppet of Big Business/Wall Street would do and held an emergency meeting with business and trade lobbyists asking them what they would like him, their humble House minority servant, to do.

After emerging from this fab little session with fellow fab fashionista, fuchsia wearing Illinois Republican Aaron Schock and his homely, heterosexual, less fashionable compatriot Peter Roksam, John Boehner could hardly wait to tell the whole world "his" great idea to enact a moratorium on new federal regulations for a year, just like the lobbyists told him to do for like freedom 'n stuff. Apparently, they don't much care for NObama's terrible Socialist policies preventing them from continuing their thriving business of finding new and creative ways to screw the American people out of their hard-earned money, and if all goes well, their foreclosed homes, too. Yay!

House Minority Leader John A. Boehner on Friday endorsed a one-year moratorium on almost all new federal regulations, an idea he said would create jobs by ending uncertainty among businesses fearful of new federal mandates.

Boehner made the suggestion in the Capitol after a 90-minute session with a group of business leaders gathered as part of America Speaking Out, the House Republicans' effort to solicit ideas across the country for a fall campaign platform.

One of the participants at the roundtable raised the idea and Boehner said afterward, "Having a moratorium on new federal regulations is a great idea. It sends a wonderful signal to the private sector that they'll have some breathing room."

Phew! Because all these rules and regulations by lame-o NObama, protecting dumb schmucks like me and you, were really starting to make them feel all claustrophobic, almost as if they were no longer allowed to cause housing meltdowns, stock market collapses, or anything fun and reckless anymore. Nada!

Ugh, when will Barry the Terrible end his all-out war on all businesses everywhere, until our once-shining pillar of unbridled Capitalism has been completely pulverized, and is nothing but a skyscraper-less, sustenance based shadow of its former self?

Why can't we have more fearless, UV fried frauds of freedom like Major Boner to come up with awesome ant metaphors and hold secret lobbyist meetings to help protect the poor, poor investment bankers and oil conglomerates from having to pay so much as one measly penny for callously destroying an entire economy and ecosystem, respectively?

Thanks goodness, at least someone has the tangelos big enough to stand up and demand this terrible, consumer protecting legislation be repealed, this time even before it has actually been signed into law, which is like even better!

Ladies and gents, I give you House Minority Tanning Bed Salesman, John Boehner:

"I think it ought to be repealed. There are common sense things that you should do to plug the holes in the regulatory system that were there, and to bring more transparency to financial transactions, because transparency is like sunlight. Sunlight is the best disinfectant."

Oh warm, delicious, radiant sunlight! It is also like beautiful oxygen, and the ultimate panacea for all the world's ills including pasty white politicians with no spine and no principles, whose passion for delicious artificial, electrically-generated pigment darkening, cancer causing ultraviolet rays is matched only by his zealous commitment to showering even more toxic, cancerous policies all over the American people.

Because the only thing worse than getting burned by the Sun is getting burned by a sun-scorched Boner that's been cooked so many times, it's one Solar 3000 session from being sliced up, seasoned, and served with a side of dipping sauce, at the congressional cafeteria.

Mmmmm, a much tastier and more sensible use of the over-cooked, bone dry, orange-tinged, special slab of Grade-A meat.

The House's choicest cut!

If Big Banks Are The Ants In Obama's Nuclear Destruction, Does That Make The GOP The Decaying Fungus That Nourishes Them?

What do you do when a desperate, scientifically unexplainable, glowing orange Boehner starts spouting his equally boneheaded opinions on __________ (fill in the blank with whatever subject he is currently waxing pathetic poetic about)?

Why, you naturally give that big Boehner a slap upside the head for having the tangelos big enough to even so much as suggest any sentient, flesh-colored human being would ever take seriously the words of some bumbling, electric beach bum with an odd glow, and even odder sense of reality!

While Mr. Boehner stopped just short of predicting a complete Republican takeover of Congress, America's favorite, uniquely hued minority leader did say that a backlash against President Obama's policies has energized Republican voters more than Democrats. Especially the white hood and robe wearing ones! And boy are they pissssssed!

"The American people have written off the Democrats," Boehner told the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review. "They're willing to look at us again."

For like 15-20 seconds max. Then the lethal combination of heat and UV radiation emanating from his face forces them to quickly look away, for fear of deep 3rd degree burns and/or severe sunstroke.

But not this marvel of modern science, whose incredible ability to withstand searing temperatures that would incinerate or melt most normal people, comes with the unfortunate side-effect of reduced oxygen flow to the brain, and temporary lapses in cognitive functioning.

"They're snuffing out the America that I grew up in," Boehner said. "Right now, we've got more Americans engaged in their government than at any time in our history. There's a political rebellion brewing, and I don't think we've seen anything like it since 1776."

Or at least that's what John McCain tells me, and he would know too, being as he was right there with them, donning waistcoat, powdered wig, and false wooden teeth with the rest of the founding fathers as they rather obnoxiously threw off the delightfully caring British yoke with one definitive stroke of a pheasant quill pen in a packed Pennsylvania State House.

Take it from this House Minority Tanning Bed Salesman: "The health care law passed in March pushed most Americans over the edge."

Yes, their splattered remains are now being treated by actual doctors of medicine in accredited hospitals, not danced on wildly, then sold piece-by-piece by health insurance companies, starting with the legs (cha-ching!) and working down form there to the smaller extremities, until every last dripping red cent is extracted from their poor tattered corpses, and placed into the deep, never-ending, blood-stained pockets of the health care companies where it belongs.

"We are going to do everything we can to make sure that this law and this program never really takes effect," Boehner said.

Like cry, pout, scream and shout until we hyperventilate, our faces turn blue, and we're forced to breathe slowly into a paper bag to avoid passing out from our own, very mature, respectable temper tantrums for freedom.

Yay, bankruptcy and death for all! Wooohooo! Just like the good ol' days!

"They're going to need money from the Congress to hire these 20,000-plus bureaucrats they need to hire to make this program work. They're not going to get one dime from us."

We only come a dime a dozen these days!

Speaking of shiny metal coins, Mr. Minority Boehner has a bone to pick with NObama's terrible, socialist, evil Kenyan financial regulatory overhaul to help protect consumers, reign in banks' predatory lending practices, and restore some semblance of sanity to America's out-of-control "too big to fail" yet "too monstrous to work" banking industry.

In other words, a perfect system, until the grubby government paws started poking every which way.

"This is killing an ant with a nuclear weapon," Boehner said. "What's most needed is more transparency and better enforcement by regulators."

Ah yes, the rare kind of ant that hemorrhages 8 million jobs, loses $17 trillion in retirement savings and net worth, and sparks the worst financial crisis since the Great Depression.

Poor little bugger!

But comparing the financial crisis to a poor little ant makes the Democrats and Dear Leader become very angry red fire ants, who insist that we don't "just need a little ant swatter to fix this thing."

The glowing orange bug zapper in the House would surely work better than that!

Someone ought to tell that rotting orange peel that ants are very strong (like George W. Bush strong!) and can lift like 3,000 times their own weight or something crazy like that. Kind of like the financial industry's disproportionate influence on Glowing Orange Puppets in Washington.

So, perhaps not the best metaphor John?

Besides, you don't need a nuclear bomb to kill an ant. Those are used solely for killing lots of Japanese people, and also maybe a giant gushing oil well, along with its once-thriving, now oil-drenched wildlife in the Gulf.

Speaking of making a mountains out of anthills (wait, or was it molehills?), Boehner also had some choice words for Obama's gay overreaction to BP's beautiful experimentation with oil painting over the once water-colored Gulf of Mexico.

Because Boehner knows, the spill might warrant a "pause" in deepwater drilling, but Obama's blanket ban on drilling in the gulf could devastate the region's economy.

I mean where would Louisiana, Mississippi, Florida, and the rest of America's Southern coast be without dead and dying tar-covered marine carcasses washing up on their now blackened, toxic beaches?

Who will come down to their oily shores, fill up their hotel rooms, eat at their seaside restaurants, and visit their luxurious petroleum-lined shores once the good BP workers leave them to their own Hazmat suit and latex rubber glove clad, petroleum scrubbing selves?

Tourists?? Ha ha, good one, Bones!

Of course, there was one area that Boehner, and likely the rest of the Grand Old Peace haters, had nothing but good things to say about the way President Obama has handled himself: the war in Afghanistan, duh!

Boehner naturally praised Obama's troop surge in Afghanistan and increased drone attacks in Pakistan, while declining to list any actual benchmarks for measuring progress in our nine-year military engagement, because such noble things as war don't need silly humans interfering with God's master plan of endless military struggles with no viable exit strategy in parched desert wastelands halfway across the globe.

Some things are too sacred!

"Ensuring there's enough money to pay for the war will require reforming the country's entitlement system, Boehner said, adding that he'd favor increasing the Social Security retirement age to 70 for people who have at least 20 years until retirement, tying cost-of-living increases to the consumer price index rather than wage inflation and limiting payments to those who need them."

It's called get your Grand Old Priorities straight, people!

"We need to look at the American people and explain to them why we're broke," Boehner said.

Umm, you're lookin' at it??

"If you have substantial non-Social Security income while you're retired, why are we paying you at a time when we're broke? (That's the American taxpayer's job, silly!) We just need to be honest with people."

Ha ha, just kidding! That's more of a loser Democrat/Obama thing.

Sooooo not us! We'll just stick to robbing our favoritest Automated Teller Machines, the American Public blind, and lying right to their Gullible Old Poverty stricken faces.

Silly Boehner! Everyone knows ants don't care about money anyway.

Foot, Meet Mouth: Six Reasons Why The GOP Doesn't Need Deep Sea Oil Rigs To Spew Toxic Goo From Gaping Holes

If you thought BP was the only one spillin' baby spillin' toxic oily goo uncontrollably out of big, leaking holes, think again my friends!

Never underestimate the Grand Oil Puppets' uncanny ability to take a national disaster of epic proportions, and use the tragedy for their own personal and political gain by saying something even more flammable, noxious, and vomit-inducing than millions of gallons of luxurious crude oil pouring into America's once thriving coastal shores.

Ladies and germs, I present you with the top six slick GOP oil spill slip-ups, not involving dead marine mammals and/or feathered carcasses washin' up along America's now deadly beaches, but rather thick gunk oozing from the deep wells between their noses and chins.

Drum roll, please!

1. Rand Paul
Rand Paul has gone AWOL from the lamestream media, likely because every time he opens his big fat trap to anyone with a mic, he ends up saying something awful about how (even though he's not racist or anything, and loooooves the Civil Rights Act of 1964), the big bad govern'ent should keep their grubby paws out of the private sector and stop forcing nice, American businesses to not be terrible and racist. Like, if Woolworth's wants to force black people to eat at separate lunch counters and/or put up a big, ol’ Whites Only sign on their front door, who is the dumb, stupid evil government to tell 'em otherwise?

Same goes for that terrible NObama pesterin' the good folks over at BP who want nothing more than to be left to their own noble oil-dumpin', marine-destroyin' devices!

"What I don't like from the president's administration is this sort of, 'I'll put my boot heel on the throat of BP,'" Paul said in an interview with ABC's Good Morning America. "I think that sounds really un-American in his criticism of business."

Why, America hasn't been this unpatriotic since rudely throwing off the nice British yoke back in 1776, around the time "Doctor" Rand Paul's beliefs were actually still fashionable. Umm, can you say Rand Paul for President of America? Errr, better make that of pure, white America...you can go ahead and keep dem coloreds to yourself, we're sure ol' Rand won't mind one Libertarian bit.

2. Michele Bachmann
Everyone's favorite unstable Minnesota hellwoman Michele Bachmann knows a thing or two 'bout takin' a terrible tragedy and turnin' it into a golden wingnut opportunity to blast that no-good half-black Kenyan Devil in the White House for taking a completely irresponsible "hands off" approach to the oil crisis on "DAY ONE" when they should have been all over that sh*t, like umm, well, British Petroleum on American beaches.

Ol' Minnesota blue eyes simply does not understand why the government was "nowhere to be found" after the Deepwater Horizon rig exploded (pssst, Michele you have to actually open your eyes, not rely on the power of Jesus to see) since in reality, Obama and Co., arrived within hours of the disaster. But no one knows better than Bachmann what a drag truth and facts can be, not to mention, they are inherently un-American and against the Constitution in her head.

Which is why she would like to know just why on God's (once-green) Earth the government hadn't put on their Socialist Scuba gear and "commandeered" privately-owned boats to "deal with that oil plume as it was coming up to the water."

Oh, Michy why don't you be a dear, throw on the ol' flippers and wetsuit, and dive on down to Deepwater to plug that darned hole with your own perfectly capable, freshly manicured, Christ-guided hands. Don't worry, your makeup is water resistant (and animal-tested!) plus there's no gross slimy fish, or living creatures of any sort to bother you on your way down to the dark abyss below.

Just think of it as a practice run for your next eternal plunge to the dank netherworld far beneath the surface of the Earth. Don't forget to say hi to your hero and favoritest freedom fighter while you're there. No, not Jesus of Nazareth, silly! Your other savior, Hitler of Bavaria!
 
3. Sarah Palin
When not tweetbookin' bout drillin' baby drillin', America's beloved former half-term Governor of tundras and moose is busy blamin' baby blamin' the usual suspects like extreme greenies and other hippie-dippie environmental enemies of Mother Earth for spillin, baby spillin' up 'n down America's shores.

Maybe for her next great, Pulitzer-worthy piece of American literature, $arah Palin can write all about how she single-handedly plugged the darn hole usin' nothin' but her magical diamond-encrusted, cotton-tipped, Jesus-blessed hockey stick and a hearty dose of that good, ol' fashioned can-do 'merican spirit.

Miss Bachmann better get goin' lest some other brainless beauty from the snowy north beat her to the bottom and steal her heroic, oil-pluggin' thunder! They don't call her the Barracuda for nuthin'! Wink, wink!

4. Haley Barbour
Fat, dumb Mississippi Governor Haley Barbour isn't one to dwell on silly, insignificant little mistakes of the past, like enslaving an entire race to keep cotton costs low. It was simply savvy business maneuvers and everyone (or at least 3/5ths) knows what is good for business is good for America, slavery included! No thanks to those no-good Northern Aggressors always tryin' to tell decent Southern folk how to build up their economy, without even chaining human beings to the bottom of boats and giving them the unique, one-of-a-kind opportunity to be sold at bargain basement prices to the highest bidder. A real steal!

Same goes for silly li'l nothing oil spills, which Barbour knows is nothing like Exxon-Valdez (ugh, sounds Mexicany), but more like delicious caramel mousse, harmless toothpaste, and the pretty fuel sheen surrounding speed boats.

"We don't wash our face in it, but it doesn't stop us from jumping off the boat to ski," Barbour said.

Of course, the biggest threat to Mississippi's coast has been the arugula eating elitist mainstream media's coverage of the spill, givin' people the wrong  impression that "the coast from Florida to Texas is ankle-deep in oil, which is of course very, very bad for our tourist season," the most importantist thing in the world!

"It may be hard for the viewer to understand but the worst thing for us has been how our tourist season has been hurt by the misperception of what is going on down here. The Mississippi Gulf Coast is beautiful. As I tell people, the coast is clear, come on down!"

"Come on down here and play golf, enjoy the beach, catch a fish and pay a little sales tax while you're here," he said.

Just don't forget your hazmat suits, goo-gone, protective goggles, and industrial size bucket to put all the delicious oil-infused fish you catch scoop up from the beach.

But remember those babies sure do burn, so use caution when tossin' the day's catch on the barbie, or you may have your very own Deepwater explosion right in your own backyard. For America, wooohooo!

5. John Boehner
House Minority Leader John Boehner is just thankful something besides his face has finally turned a oddly glowing, likely toxic, unnatural shade of orange even if it is America's entire Gulf Coast, that he is ready to let bygones be bygones. Enough of this petty blame game (except when directed towards those who deserve it like DEMONcrats and/or NObama)!

It is time to move forward and act like responsible, mature adults when flip-flopping and contradicting oneself in order to simultaneously appease Big Oil, the overlords in the Chamber of Commerce, and of course the nagging public who keep cryin' poor every time the GOP tries to take their hard-earned taxpayer money to pay for the greasy death 'n destruction their their awesome, slick, hands-off deregulation of beloved oil conglomerates caused. Whoops!

Hey, nobody's perfect right?

Err, except the world's greatest oil company, and most skilled man-made disaster cleanup crew ever assembled: no, not BP, the Glowing Orange Party, of course!

6. Joe Barton

Which naturally brings us to our final Southern fried f**k up, good ol' Joe Barton of good ol' Texas. A wondrous, brilliant man whose world-famous apology to the poor, misunderstood CEO of BP Tony Hayward is only one small piece of this man's stellar record of public service.
Besides the Saints and Samaritans at BP, no one stands up for the rights of the "small people" more than Grand Old Pariah, fightin' Joe Barton. And by small people, we of course mean the poor, innocent victims of NObama's evil $20 billion government shakedown, forced to pay out of their own endless pockets to cover the hefty costs of covering an entire ocean with delicious crude oil, imported all the way from Britain! Is this any way to treat a guest??

"I think it is a tragedy of the first proportion that a private corporation can be subjected to what I would characterize as a shakedown, in this case a $20 billion shakedown," Barton said. "I'm only speaking for myself, I'm not speaking for anybody else. But I apologize. I do not want to live in a country where any time a citizen or a corporation does something that is legitimately wrong, is subject to to some sort of political pressure that is, again, in my words, amounts to a shakedown. So I apologize."

I mean what kind of world would it be, if every time some greedy, out-of-control oil conglomerate tries to get sinfully rich by destroying an entire ecosystem, they're actually held responsible for their reckless actions turning boring blue to luscious black?

Why that sounds like a nightmare, a hellish doomsday vision that Joe Barton for one, wants no part of and nothing, I said, nothing, is gonna change ever change that, ever!

He has principles, people! The kind that may top kill Flipper, Flounder, and every last coastal fisherman's livelihood, but doesn't stop spillin' baby spillin' the only kind of green worth anything (it ain't algae!) right into his big, fat, oily fingers.

What's that you say?? Oh, ooops, we're terribly sorry!

Smithers, get this man a napkin, on the double! For Christ's sake, he's got some very important tweetin' to do and doesn't need any greasy smudge stains or oily fish remains screwing up his fine, wisdom-filled, 140 character-limited, apology-laden messages.

Joe is perfectly capable of doing that all by his own greasy, toxic, limited character self!

And unlike BP, he doesn't even need to dive several miles beneath the sea to plug the gaping hole uncontrollably spewing toxic waste.

God purposely located it for maximum plugging convenience. In case of emergency, like say, whenever he opens his mouth.

Like Crude Oil On Marine Mammals, Rep. Joe Barton Sticks To The Sage Words Of Rep. Joe Barton

When Joe Barton felt the sweet, seductive allure of those fifteen minutes of hot, sexy oil-soaked fame, he just couldn't resist! It felt soooooo good finally getting the attention for once, and having people listen to him instead of that orange Boehner for a change. Now, there's a change Joe can certainly believe in!

You know what else Joe "BP" Barton can believe in? Delicious oil! And not just any delicious oil, but ooodles and oodles of delicious British Petroleum, spillin' good, old fashioned grease all over America's once-pristine, life-filled shores en route to spillin' good old fashioned dollar bills right into Joe's grease-stained wallet.

And this time, he's not apologizing or even apologizing for apologizing about being an actual oil industry millionaire whore who feels terrible for all the headaches America caused BP by allowing the oil company to destroy the entire Gulf of Mexico, and then forcing it to pay for all the death and destruction like some enslaved janitor in Hitler's Nazi regime.

Or something like that...

And now that GOP leadership has taken the appropriate disciplinary actions (public scoldings, secret high-fives!), followed by a light slap on his chunky wrist, and a few fun minutes pretending he was actually going to lose his spot as the ranking Republican on the powerful House Energy Committee (ha ha, puh-lease!), isn't time we move on? For America and Freedom!

Because what America needs now isn't more insincere apologies (or sincere unapologies) from fat Texas oil men, whose tiny, frozen hearts break for the inconvenience this terrible Nazi government has caused BP in their noble quest to destroy America's ecosystem, economy, and once-thriving marine wildlife, as payback for that little tea incident back in 1773, when the GOP was still vibrant, fresh, and relevant.

What America needs is to move forward, forgive and forget, let bygones be bygones!

Don't we owe it to Joe Barton? Don't we owe it to our poor, oil-drenched selves?

Following a closed-door meeting of Republicans today, House Minority Leader Rep. John Boehner, R-Ohio, told reporters that Barton apologized to fellow GOP lawmakers for his “poor choice of words” and the “issue is closed,” The Hill reports.

HOORAY, the issue is closed, shut, finito! And Joe Barton is, of course, deeply sorry from the bottom of his cold, oil-filled heart for his "poor choice of words" because what he really meant to say was "WHO THE HELL IS THIS BLACK DEVIL IN THE WHITE HOUSE AND WHY IS HE TAKING ALL THE MONEY FROM THIS NICE BRITISH COMPANY ALL BECAUSE THEY MURDERED FLIPPER, PILLAGED OUR RESOURCES, AND RAPED OUR ENVIRONMENT, WHILE GETTING FILTHY RICH TURNING OUR COASTAL SHORES INTO FILTHY, OIL-SLICKED DEATH TRAPS, WITH NARY A SHRIMP TO CALL ITS OWN?"

Quick, someone alert the Democrats that the issue is "officially closed" so Joe Barton doesn't end up in every Democratic campaign ad showing how awesome and caring the Grand Oil Puppets are, and how they would treat a reckless, out-of-control oil conglomerate spillin' baby spillin' all over America, whose dirty money they depend on, if they were in charge.

You think BP's $20 billion escrow fund was a government "shakedown" just wait til you see what the GOP would do to those damn fisherman! Shakedown, hahaha, they'd freakin' hurricane those poor boating bastards.

Oooh, but wait! There's more good news for the GOP: The lamestream media is reporting that two more people just died working on the containment(?) effort, and the well is suddenly gushing TONS MORE crude oil into the Gulf of Mexico. Which means it is the absolute perfect time to ensure Joe Barton's position as the highest ranking Republican and dirtiest oil industry shill on the House energy committee.

According to a new Public Policy Poll:

Texans think that Barack Obama’s right and Joe Barton’s wrong when it comes to BP’s responsibility for cleaning up the oil spill, and a plurality of voters in the state think Barton should lose his leadership post on the Energy and Commerce Committee. The episode is also having a negative impact on how Texas voters perceive Barton overall.

Yay!! The Republicans really don’t want to win the House. Governing can be sooooooo annoying, anyway.

Will someone please get Joe Barton off the Twitter and into a Mystic Spray tanning bed so he can be our next awesome, oddly glowing Republican Speaker of the House and continue his selfless work unapologizing for apologizing for his apology, which he never really meant in the first place.

America could really use a slick unclogged mind as crystal clear and fresh as our coastal shores used to be.

Ya know, to really shake things up down.