Hooray! America's Downfall Is Officially Postponed As House Passes Awful Debt Deal Everyone Hates

Rejoice, my fellow Americans, the Debtpocalypsegeddon is almost over! America is back on top (of its flaming pile of unpaid bills, bounced checks, borrowed loans, crumpled receipts, IOUs, and angry post-it threats from China!) Woohoo! USA#1! USA#1! USA#1!

After weeks of alternately fucking with, psyching out, and pissing off President Obama by acting like a bunch of rabid, syphilis-ravaged meth head vampires, Republicans and Democrats in congress finally reached a debt deal, avoiding turning America into one big deadbeat dad like Tea Party House freshman scumbag Joe Walsh currently representing the 8th district of Illinois, not his $117,437 financial (or paternal) obligation to his three lazy, good-for-nothing school-age children. Get a job, junior!

Oohoh, but what sort of awesome "party favors" will the American people take home from this weeks-long, non-stop Boehnerific congressional coke-n-hookers-n-corporate-loopholes Teabagger rage fest?

Umm, how about $2.4 trillion in spending cuts with no guaranteed revenue raisers, but a coupon for a free bag of pork rinds instead? Okay? Okay!

“The result would be the lowest level of annual domestic spending since Dwight Eisenhower was president,” Obama explained.

Yay! So does that mean a return to Eisenhower-level taxes for the richest 1% of the population?

No, don't be silly! Democrats volunteered their balls to be cut off, dipped in delicious beer batter, fried to golden perfection and served to the hungry Republicans working round-the-clock to destroy any semblance left of this God-awful, 235-year-old experiment in Representative Democracy, formerly known as the United States of America.

Okay, what else?

America gets another bipartisan debt commission that everyone will ignore because they get one of those every year.

But that's not all!

The American people are also the lucky recipients of the horribly dangerous and reckless Teabagger tactics of holding the country hostage, as well as the failed "one party says this, the other party says that" media  machine that treats Fox News as Journalism and crazy people like human beings.

Hooray!

So congrats America! For all your hard work and dedication to electing some of the worst human beings in history to steer the country, your reward is a little note that says, “the global economy will not collapse tomorrow, you’re welcome.”

Pending final passage, the agreement marked a dramatic reach across party lines that played out over six months and several rounds of negotiating, interspersed by periods of intense partisanship.
“Sometimes it seems our two sides disagree on almost everything,” Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid said in floor remarks.
“But in the end, reasonable people were able to agree on this: The United States could not take the chance of defaulting on our debt, risking a United States financial collapse and a world-wide depression.”

Silly people! Think about all the money they just left on the table in prozac sales alone. Actually don't. It's kind of depressing.

According to a new Washington Post/Pew Research poll: 

Americans give overwhelmingly negative reviews to the fierce budget debate that has transfixed Washington over the past few weeks, and large numbers now think less favorably about the country’s political leaders.
Asked for single-word characterizations of the budget negotiations, the top words in the poll — conducted in the days before an apparent deal was struck — were “ridiculous,” “disgusting” and “stupid.” Overall, nearly three-quarters of Americans offered a negative word; just 2 percent had anything nice to say.
“Ridiculous” was the most frequently mentioned word among Democrats, Republicans and independents alike.

While the word ridiculous was commonest among both Democrats and Republicans, the most frequent word used by Tea Party Republicans was "Niggardly," followed closely by "huh?"

"If I were a Republican, this is a night to party," said Democratic Rep. Emanuel Cleaver, who bashed the new-fangled bipartisan deal as a "sugar-coated Satan sandwich."

Which come to think of it, pairs perfectly with a nice pipin' hot mug of tea.

"The Democratic Party, no less than the Republican Party, is at a very serious crossroads at this moment...This deal weakens the Democratic Party as badly as it weakens the country," Arizona Democrat Rep. Raul Grijalva said. "We have given much and received nothing in return. The lesson today is that Republicans can hold their breath long enough to get what they want."

The end of civilization as we know it?

Lord knows, they'll drink to that!

Some Things Never Change: Like Eric Cantor Being A Smug, Greedy, Li'l Bastard Everybody Hates

And the winner of the screw you, sniveling weasel, economy be damned, willing to do whatever it takes to get ahead, shameless, narcissistic, prick award goes to....

"I want what I want when I want it." 

House Majority Leader Eric Cantor's high school yearbook quote.

Apparently, Eric Ivan Cantor wanted the same thing he wants now: to whine incessantly and ruin everything for everyone. Which is probably what helped make him as popular then as he is now!

Hmmm. All that smug entitlement and childlike petulance reminds me of someone else...

"But Daddy I want an Oompa Loompa now!" — Veruca Salt

Gooses, geeses, I want a goose that lays golden eggs for Easter. What a coincidence! Just like Eric.

Losers, Geezers, I want a douche who lays goose eggs for Speaker.

Guess everyone gets what they want.

Well, except an economy!

Yay! Michigan Republicans Bravely Solve Budget Deficit By Forcing Foster Kids To Wear Thrift Store Clothes Like The Poor, Parentless Schlubs They Are

Much like fellow brokeass Midwestern hell-state being destroyed by a psycho Republican governor with a deep-seated hatred of poor people, Wisconsin, Michigan too is facing a serious budget crisis with a deficit of $1.4 billion, largely thanks to those greedy, money-grubbing teachers and plumbers unions always demandin' fair wages and basic health coverage.

And much like you would expect from a newly elected CEO-turned-Grand-Old-Protector of rich, white people, Michigan head honcho Slick Rick Snyder naturally decided to fix this fiscal problem by giving businesses and mega corporations $1.8 billion in tax cuts, because in Republican fantasy land, the best way to get rid of ballooning, out-of-control deficits is to promptly double it.

But how on God's no-longer green Earth can adding to the already monstrous deficit actually end up reducing it, you ask? Hello?? Ever hear of a little contingency plan, a secret ace-up-your-sleeve called "foster kids?" You know those raggedy, starving, orphan fat cats who get their kicks seeking shelter under the abandoned bridge downtown and hoping that maybe someday somebody will love them.

Ha, well somebody better tell li'l orphan Annie the free ride is over because Daddy Warbucks' bank account has just dried up! No more will the state of Michigan be forking over some measly stipend so these spoiled parentless children have actual clothes, not rags, to wear to school!

Instead, Republican lawmakers have come up with a brilliant plan to fix the new business tax cuts cost on the (bruised, broken, no longer clothed) backs of foster kids who will now be forced to buy their school year duds at thrift stores, not fancy shmancy elitist stores like Walmart.

Who cares if the Republican's plan doesn't save the economically-strapped Michigan a single dime? Serves those pesky orphans right always expecting Uncle Sam to step up and save them from dying in gutters all because they chose to not have parents, like normal, house-dwelling peers.

A small part of the DHS savings, about $200,000, would come from adjustments to the clothing allowance for foster children, or children of the working poor, of $79 for school clothes. Michigan state Sen. Bruce Caswell said children will still get close to that $79, but would be issued gift cards that can only be used at the Salvation Army, Goodwill or other thrift stores.

"Close to," meaning "less" presumably because seriously, how much pampering does one pitiful, poor little orphan child need? For all we know, these pint-sized freeloaders crawled onto a random doorstep as babies, or tricked their parents into dying in tragic house fires or 15-car pile-ups, specifically so they could get on the government dole.

Besides, as state Sen. Caswell told reporters, there's nothing wrong with wearing old clothes.

"I never had anything new," he said. "I got all the hand-me-downs. And my dad, he did a lot of shopping at the Salvation Army, and his comment was -- and quite frankly it's true -- once you're out of the store and you walk down the street, nobody knows where you bought your clothes."

Or if they were even bought at all, instead of swiped on some pre-paid government-subsidized card for wretched welfare children relying on public assistance to meet their basic needs.

But on the bright side, if people did know where their clothes were brought, it would probably further humiliate foster children, which would maybe lead to more of these riff-raffs finally offing themselves, which at the very least, would save the state even more nickels and dimes.

And since foster kids can’t vote, at least while their all gross and kid like, and nobody really cares about them that much (once they're out of the womb, that is), they have absolutely no political power anyway.

The real question then becomes why the hell weren't Republicans making cuts to foster kids before? Think about it, people!

Not only would America be free of these parasite orphans, who next to teachers and firemen, are clearly societies biggest money-sucking leeches, but it is also the single best way ever to hand Big Business money, instead of wasting precious resources giving hand outs to starving street children, otherwise known as Big Orphan, Inc.

Although, by forcing a 6-year-old stray boy to wear a hot pink "world's best grandma" t-shirt, how will the GOP be able to distinguish the disgusting poor from an equally repulsive, unwanted, brown-skinned Mexican border jumper? Or even scarier, an out-n-proud student body president at the University of Michigan??

Don't Worry America, Congress Will Still Get Paid During Government Shutdown Over Ladies & Their Lady Parts

Just in case you were concerned about how Michele Bachmann, John Boehner, John McCain, Joe Wilson, that Nelson nutjob from Nebraska, and all the rest of the lunatic wingnuts comprising America's esteemed 112th Congress are going to survive the Great Government Shutdown of 2011, fear not my friends! They can still get paid, and probably will too, because unpaid furloughs are for losers and poors like teachers and police officers, not millionaire legislators charged with the difficult task of deciding what a woman can and cannot do with her sinful, lust-filled body.

About 800,000 federal workers would be sent home without pay if Congress fails to negotiate a budget deal by Friday night. But whether lawmakers would require themselves to take the same medicine is unclear.

Under House rules, lawmakers have the authority to determine who on their staffs would remain at work as "essential'' employees and who would be furloughed during a shutdown."

Oooh, oooh, please say prostitutes, mistresses, exotic escorts, and underage senate pages qualify as essential!

Lawmakers would continue to get paid during a shutdown, unless the full Congress voted otherwise. Both the House and Senate have voted to suspend their own pay during a shutdown, but as part of legislation that has not passed the other chamber, the Wall Street Journal reports.

Well I should certainly hope so! What the hell does this look like, Soviet Russia or something?

But just in case of the off chance that filthy rich, striking politicians continuing to get paid while shutting down operations may look bad to the average schlub, some noble legislators have suggested doing something else with the money (they don't need anyway), like skipping their salaries, shooting the paycheck with a .308 Winchester rifle, or maybe even giving it to gross "charity" or whatever.

On Thursday, some lawmakers said they didn’t believe they should keep their salaries during a shutdown. West Virginia Sen. Joe Manchin, a Democrat, urged his colleagues to return such pay to the Treasury or give it to charity. “I can’t imagine that the president, vice president or any member of Congress—Republican or Democrat—thinks they should get paid when the government has shut down,” Mr. Manchin said.

Poor U.S. representatives! How on God's once-green Earth will they make do on their stock dividends, corporate speaking fees, PAC petty cash accounts, and trust funds alone? Oh, the humanity!

Luckily, their "essential" staffers will still be around to sign for the unmarked boxes of freshly squeezed poor people's tears, tightly packed placentas fresh from the womb, and plentiful stacks of oil-dipped hundred dollar bills courtesy of the Koch brothers.

From TPM:

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) has laid a final offer at Republicans' feet, and it will require them to drop their insistence on defunding Planned Parenthood, and accepting what Reid insists is an agreed upon level of spending cuts. If Republicans don't take it, and if Reid's not bluffing, the government will shutdown.

"The number we're not bending on," he told reporters in a press briefing Friday morning. "We're not bending on that and we're not bending on women's health."

The ball is effectively now in House Speaker John Boehner's court. Republicans have signaled a willingness to drop the Planned Parenthood rider in exchange for more spending cuts. But Reid says they've agreed on cut number — $78 billion below President Obama's budget request last year, or about $38 billion off current spending.

Not that it's even about budget cuts or reducing spending at this point. A few billion here, a few billion there. Yawn. What's the diff, right?

C'mon, didn't you people learn anything? It is always about abortion! Even if the Democrats do the unthinkable and cave in to the ludicrous amount of cuts Republicans want to make, everyone knows the GOP will still insist on using it's big orange Boehner to stick in policy riders to defund Planned Parenthood, cripple health care reform, and inform the slutty environment it's not a rape victim when corporations pummel it because it was totally begging for it with its skimpy, half-naked ozone and come drill me mantle.

Another Day, Another Weeping Orange Boehner Wets Himself For No Reason

Democrats and Republicans might be on the verge of shutting down the big, bad gubmint (hooray?) due to some alleged financial dispute, but beloved members of both of our nation's dumb political parties can at least still agree on one thing: even House Speaker John Boehner's inappropriate, borderline hysterical booze tears won't be enough to save the nation now.

After meeting with his Senate majority counterpart (minus the drinking problem), Harry Reid, to discuss always-riveting budget negotiations, John Boehner once again returned to his House Republican caucus to deliver what's come to be known as the sob heard 'round the world.

"Yes. He cried, but only briefly," said one person at the meeting.

Phew! I mean we wouldn't want the ol' Boehns to waste all his glowing moisture droplets in one fell swoop, now would we? Let's just hope he can better budget his tear ducts than he can the actual budget!

So yes it looks like the government is going to shut down tomorrow night because, like, who needs law and order anyway? Certainly not Libya...or the United States!

Because Republicans will NOT do anything, I repeat anything until Obama and the God-awful Democrats agree to withhold all funds for anyone not still connected to a placenta or serving in unnecessary military invasions or occupations overseas.

Ya know, the important people.

But leave it to those pesky Democrats to refuse the Republicans' asinine demands and instead do something really crazy like actually stand up for spending money on some stuff, just to keep the ol' government coiffers filled and humming dysfunctionally along.

The nerve!

The one-week stopgap drafted by House Republicans would provide money through Sept. 30 for the Pentagon, which has said the budget fight is causing considerable problems for the military. The inclusion of the military spending should win support for the bill even from House conservatives who had previously said they would not back any more temporary spending measures. It also allows Republicans to say they are making certain that troops fighting overseas do not miss a paycheck.

Oooh, thank heavens Republicans don't have to worry about people saying they don't sufficiently love the troops with all their ice cold, corporate-sponsored, oil-soaked li'l hearts, since this is pretty much the only thing that concerns the Grand Old Party, other than legislating what a woman can or cannot do with her hooha.

Priorities, people!

“There is an intent on both sides to continue to work together to try to resolve this. No one wants the government to shut down," Boehner said, his lower lip once again quivering and eyes filling with faux warm wet droplets. Wink, wink.

Haha, dumb Democrats didn't even realize his fingers were crossed behind his back, which everyone knows is the universal sign for psyching out Democratic congressmen (and women!).

Which isn't all that hard when all you have to do is demand a bunch of outrageous, nonsensical concessions from the party in power and call it a comprise, stockpile some tear ducts, gather a crowd of lamestream jourrnalists, and scare the bejesus out of caring Democrats by making yet another half-hearted, ill-intended promise to shutdown the terrible, no-good government everyone hates except when Republicans are running it.

 “I’ve got to tell you all that I like the president personally,” John Boehner said. “We get along well. But the president isn’t leading. He didn’t lead on last year’s budget, and he clearly is not leading on this year’s budget.”

Unlike a certain Speaker Leaker of the House, whose unparalleled leadership skills can clearly be seen by the trail of bourbon-flavored tear drops leading to the one place America can't afford to shut down: the local tanning salon, duh!

Which is still a helluva lot better than the latest, greatest GOP "compromise" the Republicans will cook up next, if they want to avoid government shutdown another two weeks: the immediate killing of the first born child in every Democratic family.

See, told ya governing is easy!

President Obama Unveils 2012 Budget, Which Republicans Vow To Fund Using Glenn Beck's Gold -Plated Coins, Pixie Dust, & Rosary Beads

President Barack Obama is positively hellbent on "Winning the Future" and in his crazy, radical, hippie-dippie, elitist, Socialist, Muslim, Terrorist world, that entails doing crazy, radical things like making sure America's kids are educated enough to read, write, and at the very least, spell their offensive, racist protest signs properly, and demanding that U.S. multinational conglomerates occasionally pay a few dollars of tax so Uncle Sam doesn't have to cut programs that help the very poorest and most vulnerable do things like buy food and pay their heating bills so they don't starve or freeze to death this winter.

Well, this does not sit very well with congressional Republicans who are less concerned with pathetic olds and poors, and more concerned with something called the deficit, all $3.7 trillion dollars of it!

Good thing then that President Obama's 2012 budget proposal cuts the federal deficit by $1.1 trillion over the next 10 years, courtesy of a sensible combination of spending cuts and ending lucrative tax breaks for Billionaires who don't need it, so they will invest in remodeling their own deluxe marble his & her bathroom to help the nation get back on budgetary track.

"Cutting spending is important, but we can't sacrifice our future in the process," Obama said. "We have a responsibility to invest in those areas that will have a big impact."

How else will we be able to smart bomb Muslims with pin-point precision and state-of-the-art stealth?

"Education is an essential part so that every American is equipped to compete with any worker, anywhere in the world," Obama said. "Engineering and math, critical thinking, problem solving, these are the kinds of subjects and skills our children need."

Nonsense! Those are wacky, liberal skills only arugula-eating elitists with hoity-toity things like jobs need.

But still, a trillion dollars! Poof! Cut! In only a decade! Which, for Republicans, is the equivalent of amazing, mind-blowingly wild, NSA sex with Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition supermodels in a WWF-size ring filled with the sweat & tears of children and luxurious warmth of petroleum oil.

So what does all of this even mean? It means that Eric Cantor does not approve, that's what!

According to The Hill:

House Majority Leader Eric Cantor, R-Va., called Obama’s proposal a missed opportunity to address the nation’s fiscal problems.
“We need a government that finally does what every other American has to do in their households and their businesses, and that’s to live within our means,” Cantor said in a statement. “Instead, President Obama’s budget doubles down on the bad habits of the past four years by calling for more taxes, spending and borrowing of money that we simply do not have.”

Amen, Young Gun Eric! Finally someone understands the way things work in the real world, known as Republican magic happy land.

The wondrous place where kids are taught to read, write, and 'rithmetic not by teachers in the classroom, but by building stealth fighter jets, bunker busters, and massive oil rigs under the supervision of military generals in cramped Chinese factories. Where old, crumbling roads, bridges, and buildings are fixed by praying to Jesus Christ, and bloated budgets are balanced by Ronnie Reagan's Economic Law of stealing from the poor and giving to the rich so they can keep laundering all their profits through the Cayman Islands or Switzerland, for freedom. Where America is once again restored to its former greatness, and able to trickle its Glorious Exceptionalism down on the world below by something even more miraculous than Glenn Beck's magical VapoRub droplets, John Boehners glowing, orange tears, or Eric Cantor's smugly ambitious, albeit suspiciously saline-free, crocodile ones.

Like say the Republicans' inexplicable ability to stave off extinction and serve in Congress instead.

Grassley Gone Wild!

Aww, snap!

Things sure got chippy between Senators Kent Conrad (D-N.D.) and Charles Grassley (R-Iowa) during an otherwise dreadfully painful senate budget committee hearing last week.

A man can only take so many hours of number crunching and endless back-and-forth banter before he's going to snap. And when Sen. Charles Grassley snaps, he snaps hard.

But this time he wasn't telling AIG executives to resign or "commit suicide" or bashing irresponsible corporations for giving bonuses while "sucking the tit of the taxpayer."

This time the distinguished Sen. from Iowa and highest-ranking Republican on the finance committee was busy manhandling unsuspecting (pussy?) fellow congressman and Democratic budget committee chairman Kent Conrad during a heated budget exchange.

Basically, Grassley was pushing Conrad to include his amendment and conveniently reminded the good chairman that he owed him a favor for some budget resolution thing two years ago and if he didn't do it, he was nothing more than a no-good stinkin' Democratic rat bastard.

Or something like that.

Grassley: "So I did not ask for a vote on it and you said it was a very statesmanlike thing for me to do at that particular time and so I would hope that you would return the favor."

Conrad (awkward laugh): "You know, I used to like you. Let me just say: Oh, you are good."

Grassley: "Well, your wife said the same thing."

Classy, Senator. Classy. Nothing spices up a congressional budget hearing like a little Jerry Springer action!

Please, Sir, Can I Have Some More?

With the help of some (eight to be exact) bacon-loving Republicans, another one of presidential badass Barack Obama's $410 billion pork fests cruised smoothly through the Senate, despite the defection of three treacherous Democrats: Sens. Evan Bayh of Indiana, Russ Feingold of Wisconsin and Claire McCaskill of Missouri.

The so-called Omnibus--which is really just another name for stuffing as much sh*t as possible into one tight little package--is actually nine bills and covers nearly the entire domestic budget for the year, plus U.S. contributions to global health and foreign aid.

Loaded with enough individual "perks" ($7.7 billion!) to lure eight Republicans over to the dark side, the ambitious bill also increases spending on food and consumer product safety agencies, the FBI, Wall Street regulators and tax enforcement, as well as education and science initiatives, investments in sustainable energy and landmark public works programs from the first stimulus.

Despite objections from the usual one man pork patrol of John S. McCain and a few congressman who believe Cuban-American relations should stay stuck in the 1950s, President Barack Obama is expected to quickly sign the measure into law.

You know, so government operations don't shut down. And cause he never gets tired of watching old Johnny boy go off the deep end.

What, What, What!?