Wet Hot American Summer: The Lord Of The (Right-Wing) Flies

Is your child's summer camp a bit too...umm shall we say, foreign? Are their cabin mates a tad diverse, counselors a bit too Kenyan for your liking?

Well, fear not, fellow patriots! Because the Tampa Liberty School, a 5-day summer camp designed to
to scrub the political correctness out of children’s tender, pre-liberal brainwashed minds, is still available for sign up!

There, li'l freedom fighters ages 8-12 can learn important lessons about the dangers of Socialism, the value of Freedom, and why America should ditch that worthless paper currency and return to the Gold Standard of Glenn Beck's pyrite toy coins.

Unlike your standard public school (with their boring, fact-based textbooks & liberal bias called truth), the Tampa Liberty School will use "fun, hands-on activities to promote principles like 'America is good,' 'I believe in God,' 'I work hard for what I have and I will share it with who I want to because Government cannot force me to be charitable,'" and all the other delightful tenants our Founding Fathers enshrined in the Constitution Ayn Rand enshrined in Atlas Shrugged.

Oh and don't worry because the lessons are designed for a third grade level learning, which ironically, is about the same level of understanding of American history possessed by so many of our beloved Tea Party patriots.

The St. Petersburg Times reports:

One example at Liberty: Children will win hard, wrapped candies to use as currency for a store, symbolizing the gold standard. On the second day, the “banker” will issue paper money instead. Over time, students will realize their paper money buys less and less, while the candies retain their value.

“Some of the kids will fall for it,” Lukens said. “Others kids will wise up.”

And then they will kindly get tossed out of the nearest window because at Liberty Camp intelligence is just a fancy shmancy elitist word for terrorism.

Another example: Starting in an austere room where they are made to sit quietly, symbolizing Europe, the children will pass through an obstacle course to arrive at a brightly decorated party room (the New World).

Red-white-and-blue confetti will be thrown. But afterward the kids will have to clean up the confetti, learning that with freedom comes responsibility.

Still another example: Children will blow bubbles from a single container of soapy solution, and then pop each other’s bubbles with squirt guns in an arrangement that mimics socialism. They are to count how many bubbles they pop. Then they will work with individual bottles of solution and pop their own bubbles.

Oooh, sounds fun! Except when the "smart" kids start using their delicious hard, wrapped candies to pay the "other" kids to clean up the confetti like them chocolate-skinned illegal border jumpers from Mexicanland.

We can only assume the black kids will be symbolically shackled with chains made out of paper clips and rubber bands, while the white boys, armed with BB guns, "sell" them for even more pieces of hard, wrapped candy. The white girls, naturally, will be in the cafeteria where they belong, making the boys' PB&J sandwiches, while the Asians, Indians, and Muslims are forced to march, single file, outside where they will proceed to build all swing sets, sandboxes, slides and other playground equipment their terrible. gross skin color prohibits them from enjoying themselves.

Ha ha, just kidding! Minorities aren't allowed at Liberty Camp, silly!

OMG, Glenn Beck's Deteriorating Ratings (& Mind!) May Get Him Dropped From Fox In A Massive Conspiracy To Stop It From Being The Golden-Voiced Homeless Man Of News Networks

There goes the price of gold gold-plated coins!

The arugula-eating liberal elitists over at the New York Times have peered into their (Swarovski) crystal ball to see what the future holds for America's #1 favoritest golden haired weeping prophet of doom, Glenn Beck, and his one-man amateur puppet show/truth crusade at Fox News.

And much like the fate of humanity, it doesn't look good.

His audience has dropped by a third since his glorious "I Have A Dream" MLK Teabagger rally for white people this summer, most advertisers (not in the faux gold collectible business) won't touch Glenn's increasingly insane George Soros/Planned Parenthood's/Islamic Jihad global conspiracy chalkboard drawing presentations with a ten foot pole, and his ratings among younger viewers are falling precipitously because apparently, only those who drink Ensure and wear Depends are comforted by a raging paranoid schizophrenic madman with delusions of grandeur shrieking at them about the impending death and destruction, thanks to Muslims, abortionists, Socialist presidents from Kenya, and of course, the Jews.

Could this really be the end of the blessed Jesus-approved union between one manic depressive madman and one womanizing faux news network of washed up former Hooters waitresses and shameless rightwing propaganda?

New York Times reporter David Carr explains:

Mr. Beck, a conservative Jeremiah and talk-radio phenomenon, burst into television prominence in 2009 by taking the forsaken 5 p.m. slot on Fox News and turning it into a juggernaut...He achieved unheard-of ratings, swamped the competition and at times seemed to threaten the dominion of Bill O’Reilly and Sean Hannity at Fox.
But a funny thing happened on the way from the revolution. Since last August, when he summoned more than 100,000 followers to the Washington mall for the “Restoring Honor” rally, Mr. Beck has lost over a third of his audience on Fox — a greater percentage drop than other hosts at Fox. True, he fell from the great heights of the health care debate in January 2010, but there has been worrisome erosion — more than one million viewers — especially in the younger demographic.
He still has numbers that just about any cable news host would envy and, with about two million viewers a night, outdraws all his competition combined. But the erosion is significant enough that Fox News officials are willing to say — anonymously, of course; they don’t want to be identified as criticizing the talent — that they are looking at the end of his contract in December and contemplating life without Mr. Beck.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait just a second! His audience has fallen by a third since his magical Teabagger rally this summer??

So I guess a miracle really did occur that day! A large percentage of Glenny's audience has fallen and can't get up!

But the big question remains, why was no one wearing their life alerts why force this blue-eyed, baby-faced, intellectual savior and messenger of truth off television, now?

The problem with “Glenn Beck” is that it has turned into a serial doomsday machine that’s a bummer to watch. 
What had been a fast and loose assault on all things liberal has grown darker and less entertaining, especially with the growing revolution in the Middle East, a phenomenon Mr. Beck sees as something of a beginning to some kind of end. He’s often alone in the studio with his chalkboards and obscure factoids, a setting that reminds me of an undergrad seminar on macroeconomics with an around-the-bend professor I didn’t particularly enjoy. 

Or a 2001 Academy Award winner starring Russell Crowe?

As he grabbed all the disparate strands from around the globe and tied them into a great, grand bow of doom, he ambled alone between various blackboards, each jammed with portentous bullet points. He often looked away from the camera into a middle distance as he spoke of a calamity that only he can see.
“He used to be a lot funnier,” said David Von Drehle, who wrote the article in Time magazine. “He was the befuddled everyman and something entirely new, but the longer people have listened to his ranting and raving, the wearier they become. Now you are just getting down to diehards. I mean, how many people were in the Waco compound at the end? A couple of hundred?” 

Oh what, you think every mentally ill schmuck with basic cable gets to join the Rapture??

Joel Cheatwood, a senior vice president of development for Fox News and the executive in charge of the show, thinks it’s silly to suggest that the American viewing public’s romance with Mr. Beck is on the wane — he’s trouncing his competition — but says that keeping the show upbeat is something he discusses with Mr. Beck.
“We have talked about that, at his instigation,” Mr. Cheatwood said. “It is really important that no matter how dire he thinks things are or what horrible direction things may be going from his perspective that the show maintains a sense of hope.”
“What you see on television with Glenn is the real guy,” he added, “and that is a double-edged sword. If he is upset about something, you see it.”

With all that Vick's VapoRub he poured into his peepers, you God damn better!

Poor Beckerheads. Where will they get their daily dose of the absurd, incoherent ramblings of a syphilitic mind now?

Sarah Palin's Twitter? Charlie Sheen's Tiger Korner?

But still, Beck remained thankful.

“Two years ago, I was on a cable channel that no one was watching at the time, doing a show that no one was watching, and I was about to leave television. And then I had the opportunity to come and work here,” he said. “If you’re going to do news or commentary, the only place, I think in the world, the only place that really makes an impact is Fox.”

In the same way that a massive asteroid slamming into Planet Earth made "an impact" on the dinosaurs.

President Obama Unveils 2012 Budget, Which Republicans Vow To Fund Using Glenn Beck's Gold -Plated Coins, Pixie Dust, & Rosary Beads

President Barack Obama is positively hellbent on "Winning the Future" and in his crazy, radical, hippie-dippie, elitist, Socialist, Muslim, Terrorist world, that entails doing crazy, radical things like making sure America's kids are educated enough to read, write, and at the very least, spell their offensive, racist protest signs properly, and demanding that U.S. multinational conglomerates occasionally pay a few dollars of tax so Uncle Sam doesn't have to cut programs that help the very poorest and most vulnerable do things like buy food and pay their heating bills so they don't starve or freeze to death this winter.

Well, this does not sit very well with congressional Republicans who are less concerned with pathetic olds and poors, and more concerned with something called the deficit, all $3.7 trillion dollars of it!

Good thing then that President Obama's 2012 budget proposal cuts the federal deficit by $1.1 trillion over the next 10 years, courtesy of a sensible combination of spending cuts and ending lucrative tax breaks for Billionaires who don't need it, so they will invest in remodeling their own deluxe marble his & her bathroom to help the nation get back on budgetary track.

"Cutting spending is important, but we can't sacrifice our future in the process," Obama said. "We have a responsibility to invest in those areas that will have a big impact."

How else will we be able to smart bomb Muslims with pin-point precision and state-of-the-art stealth?

"Education is an essential part so that every American is equipped to compete with any worker, anywhere in the world," Obama said. "Engineering and math, critical thinking, problem solving, these are the kinds of subjects and skills our children need."

Nonsense! Those are wacky, liberal skills only arugula-eating elitists with hoity-toity things like jobs need.

But still, a trillion dollars! Poof! Cut! In only a decade! Which, for Republicans, is the equivalent of amazing, mind-blowingly wild, NSA sex with Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition supermodels in a WWF-size ring filled with the sweat & tears of children and luxurious warmth of petroleum oil.

So what does all of this even mean? It means that Eric Cantor does not approve, that's what!

According to The Hill:

House Majority Leader Eric Cantor, R-Va., called Obama’s proposal a missed opportunity to address the nation’s fiscal problems.
“We need a government that finally does what every other American has to do in their households and their businesses, and that’s to live within our means,” Cantor said in a statement. “Instead, President Obama’s budget doubles down on the bad habits of the past four years by calling for more taxes, spending and borrowing of money that we simply do not have.”

Amen, Young Gun Eric! Finally someone understands the way things work in the real world, known as Republican magic happy land.

The wondrous place where kids are taught to read, write, and 'rithmetic not by teachers in the classroom, but by building stealth fighter jets, bunker busters, and massive oil rigs under the supervision of military generals in cramped Chinese factories. Where old, crumbling roads, bridges, and buildings are fixed by praying to Jesus Christ, and bloated budgets are balanced by Ronnie Reagan's Economic Law of stealing from the poor and giving to the rich so they can keep laundering all their profits through the Cayman Islands or Switzerland, for freedom. Where America is once again restored to its former greatness, and able to trickle its Glorious Exceptionalism down on the world below by something even more miraculous than Glenn Beck's magical VapoRub droplets, John Boehners glowing, orange tears, or Eric Cantor's smugly ambitious, albeit suspiciously saline-free, crocodile ones.

Like say the Republicans' inexplicable ability to stave off extinction and serve in Congress instead.

Glenn Beck's Fake Tears & Sarah Palin's Dumb Tweets Don't Kill People (Just Brain Cells); Crazy People With Semiautomatic Weapons Do!

Usually when a young 20-something man goes on a bloody shooting rampage, killing a whole bunch of innocent people, everyone is equally shocked and stunned and horrified, and nobody ever, in a million years, saw it coming. 

Not so with Jared Loughner, the deranged 22-year-old lunatic who shot Arizona's popular Democratic Rep. Gabrielle Giffords point blank in the head, killed six others, including a little 9 year-old-girl, and injured 19 more in a tragic massacre outside a Tuscon Safeway during a 'Congress On Your Corner' meet 'n greet on Saturday.

Basically, everyone who met the dude was absolutely convinced it was only a matter of time before he went out and shot a bunch of people. The only question really was when.

This is what most people who knew this kid for the past few years are saying: he was a freaky loner who scared the bejesus out of anyone with a pulse. Which means everyone outside of Dick Cheney was pretty much convinced this guy was a ticking time bomb just waiting to explode, probably sooner than later, all over Arizona.

Now while the residents of Arizona may have been concerned about Jared Loughner, the state of Arizona was never really going to try to help him or anything because c'mon he wasn't a dirty Mexican or anything. And also personal responsibility! And fix your own damn mental health problems! This is America Arizona, after all!

What Arizona was willing to do however, was help this more-likely-than-not mentally unstable young man purchase his semi automatic murder weapon of choice (a Glock 9mm), as well as the 30+ shot extended magazine clip for extra flesh 'n bone rippin' fun!

Until one of those very same bullets he purchased legally and with little effort actually pierced the flesh of an innocent person, or in this case, like 20 innocent people.

“I was getting concerned about the safety of the students and the school,” said algebra instructor Ben McGahee, who took to glancing out of the corner of his eye when he was writing on the board for fear that Mr. Loughner might do something. “I was afraid he was going to pull out a weapon.”

A student in the class, Lynda Sorenson, 52, wrote an e-mail to a friend expressing her concerns.
“We do have one student in the class who was disruptive today, I’m not certain yet if he was on drugs (as one person surmised) or disturbed. He scares me a bit,” Ms. Sorenson wrote in an e-mail in June that was forwarded Sunday to The New York Times.

“The teacher tried to throw him out and he refused to go, so I talked to the teacher afterward. Hopefully he will be out of class very soon, and not come back with an automatic weapon.”

Mr. Loughner’s behavior grew so troubling that he was told he could no longer attend the school, and he appeared, given his various Internet postings, to find a sense of community in some of the more paranoid corners of the Internet.

At a meeting in early October at the college’s northwest campus, where he attended classes, Mr. Loughner said he would withdraw. Three days later, the college sent him a letter telling him that if he wanted to return, he would need to undergo a mental health evaluation. “After this event, there was no further college contact with Loughner,” the college said in a statement.

Not surprisingly, the media has been falling over themselves trying to figure out what on God's green earth could have sparked Jared Lee Loughner to turn from your everyday run-of-the-mill weirdo into a paranoid schizophrenic/raging bloodthirsty madman obsessed with grammar and currency who shoots elected officials and nine-year-old girls with semiautomatic weapons in front of grocery stores.

When Bryce Tierney first heard about the Tucson massacre, he had a sickening feeling: “They hadn’t released the name, but I said, ‘Holy shit, I think it’s Jared that did it.’” Tierney tells Mother Jones in an exclusive interview that Loughner held a years-long grudge against Giffords and had repeatedly derided her as a “fake.

Since hearing of the rampage, Tierney has been trying to figure out why Loughner did what he allegedly did. "More chaos, maybe," he says. "I think the reason he did it was mainly to just promote chaos. He wanted the media to freak out about this whole thing. He wanted exactly what's happening. He wants all of that."

Tierney thinks that Loughner's mindset was like the Joker in the most recent Batman movie: "He fucks things up to fuck shit up, there's no rhyme or reason, he wants to watch the world burn. He probably wanted to take everyone out of their monotonous lives: 'Another Saturday, going to go get groceries'—to take people out of these norms that he thought society had trapped us in."

Of course, the problem with trying to understand the incomprehensible behavior of an obviously deranged man is that genuine craziness like Loughner's rejects easy classification and defies explanation. So accusing Sarah Palin and assorted other rifle-totin' Teabaggers of somehow inspiring or fostering this type of action is sort of like blaming birthday clowns for John Wayne Gacy or Alive: The Story of the Andes Survivors for Jeffrey Dahmer.

Sure, it doesn't help that public figures like Sarah Palin put up interactive maps with gun crosshairs targeting political rivals, like Gabrielle Giffords for instance, and constantly remind America "Don't Retreat, Reload." But even if we were to ban all the Sarah Palins and Glenn Becks in the world, crazy is still crazy. And in America, a person like Loughner may be too crazy for community college but certainly not too crazy to waltz into a store and waltz out with a semiautomatic weapon.

One of the talking points about the Tucson shooting is that the gun used is “just the same as the one police use”, and that’s true – the Glock 9mm pistol is a common police sidearm. But, police carry it with a 15 shot clip, not the 30+ shot extended magazine Loughner used. By the definition of the assault weapon ban, it’s an assault gun with that extended mag.

And since Arizona essentially has no gun laws, there was nothing to stop a lunatic like Loughner from purchasing a gun, loading it, driving to the local Tuscon Safeway and opening fire on a crowd of unarmed men, woman, and children.

Perhaps, instead of asking the likes of Sarah Palin, Glenn Beck, the Tea Party and the entire Fox News team to refrain from open hatred and violent inflammatory rhetoric, we would be much better served considering enacting barriers to the purchase of semi-automatic weapons by obviously insane people.

Because if there's one thing America has collectively agreed upon at this point, it is that restricting our freedom to say meany things to one another is a helluva lot easier and more desirable than restricting our favoritest freedom to acquire powerful firearms to use on one another.

Apparently, many in our great nation, and in Arizona particularly, believe that registering firearms, requiring competency evaluations, or mandating that all gun sales be accompanied by a note from a mental health professional certifying mental stability is waaaaaay too much of a burden than say, the occasional senseless slaughter of innocent people and nine-year-old girls.

Good thing Arizona Governor Jan Brewer understands that the good people of America would much prefer to have the occasional mass killing than reasonable restrictions on the rights of crazy people to buy guns.

What Gov. Brewer is upset about, however isn't the selling of a semi-automatic assault weapon to a crazy person or even her state's terrible negligence when it comes to caring for the mentally ill, since they are pathetic losers who nobody likes anyway.

No, no what really grinds ol' Jan Brewer's gears is the fact that Loughner is not a Mexican, because everyone knows Mexicans are terrible criminals responsible for every unspeakable act of violence, everywhere.

Had Loughner been Mexican or even so much as looked even slightly Mexicanish, this whole tragedy would never have happened.

Dude would have been (legally!) harassed and detained so many times, he probably wouldn't even have made it to the damn Safeway.

Most Mexicans can't. Why else would they call it Safeway?

Duh!

Ignorance Is Freedom! New Poll Proves Fox News Viewers Are The Dumbest, Most Uninformed People In The World, Right After Fox News' Hosts

But why do the poll numbers add up to 120%, mommy? Because junior, everyone knows 100% is for pussies, math geeks, and lame-o Democrats. Not for hot, sexy Fox News, the undisputed leader in feigned 9/11 outrage, shamelessly bad graphics, mentally unstable news anchors, and baseless lies and mistruths, proudly poisoning America since 1996!

And now science has finally proven what the whole world already long suspected: People who get their "news" from Fox are the absolute dumbest, most mindblowingly idiotic, misinformed bunch of misanthrope misfits to ever grace the face of God's once green Earth. These morons have literally zero clue what's going on with umm, well, basically anything.

It's true!

A new University of Maryland study, "Misinformation and the 2010 Election," judging how likely consumers of various news outlets and publications were to believe misinformation on a wide range of political issues revealed some startling, or not so startling, results depending on whether you've spent the last six months holed up underground in one of Glenn Beck's emergency post-apocalyptic fallout shelters and bartering with armed, marauding nomads using his one-of-a-kind fake gold coins or not.

While consumers of virtually every news outlet believed some information disseminated during the 2010 election was false (90% of respondents overall), the study found that Fox News viewers, regardless of political affiliation, were "significantly more likely" to erroneously believe that:

• Most economists estimate the stimulus caused job losses (12 points more likely)
• Most economists have estimated the health care law will worsen the deficit (31 points)
• The economy is getting worse (26 points)
• Most scientists do not agree that climate change is occurring (30 points)
• The stimulus legislation did not include any tax cuts (14 points)
• Their own income taxes have gone up (14 points)
• The auto bailout only occurred under Obama (13 points)
• When TARP came up for a vote most Republicans opposed it (12 points)
• And that it is not clear that Obama was born in the United States (31 points)

So, whether it's wrongly believing that Republicans voted against TARP, a big business government program created by the Republican administration of REPUBLICAN George W. Bush, or being unable to comprehend the simple fact (and yes, it is a fact) that global temperatures are rising at an alarming rate (because it still snows in winter), the Fox News viewer is a particularly dangerous animal. Because, unlike say your average CNN or MSNBC viewer, the Fox News watcher cannot, will not, be swayed in their retarded, ass backwards beliefs that NObama is a no-good, Secret Muslim Terrorist Socialist from the Soviet Union of Kenya, no matter how many times you shove his actual Hawaiian birth certificate in their dumb faces.

And like anyone inundated to a constant stream of racist rightwing lies, half-truths, and Papa Bear's pin head vs. patriot propaganda, the more a person is exposed to Fox News, the more they start to believe they are living in some doomsday hellscape led by Comrade Barry and his roving death squad of shovel-wielding Socialist sociopaths scheming to take out Granny and li'l baby Trigger.

Not only are they the stupidest people on earth, but they are 120% sure they are the smartest creatures to ever have sprouted from God's magic man-makin' dust and Adam's rib on the Sixth Day!

So there you have it folks. While common sense already told you that Fox News viewers have the most terrible, God-awful taste in food, fashion, hairstyles, houses/trailer homes, books, music, movies, art, artificial tear drops, architecture, and of course anchors, scientific evidence proves that Fox News viewers believe insanely ridiculous things about the stimulus, the economy, taxes, health care, the automobile industry bailout, unemployment, science, math and weather.

Naturally, actual Fox News viewers weren't bothered by the findings in the slightest because like seriously, c'mon, who the hell believes in science these days anyway?

Certainly not America's favoritest weeping Jesus and resident chalkboard & puppet scholar Glenn Lee Beck. He believes in a different kind of "profit." Ya know, the kind that usually ends in a bunch of zeroes.

Just like the Fox News audience!

But much like the eternal chicken/egg dilemma, one burning question remains unsolved:

Do they watch Fox News because they are idiots, or are they idiots because they watch Fox News?

Glenn Beck Cannot Possibly Die, Because Death Is For Mere Mortals, Not Blind Prophets On The Sacred Path To Involuntary Commitment

Holy Mental Mormons! Blond haired angel of truth and possibly soon-to-be blind prophet Glenn Beck took to his favoritest radio show, his own, to reveal some very startling news: the divine messenger himself, Glenn Lee Beck, may be dying! OMG!

Err, at least we think so, as Glenn Beck is being very cryptic about the whole thing, so it is very hard to understand exactly what the hell he's talking about. Especially without the aid of chalkboard, and any semblance of a rational brain.

So anyway, Glenn got all weepy and teary-eyed (and not the Vick's VapoRub kind of teary) on his radio show, which usually is a once-every-ten-minute-occurrence, but this time he seemed even more down than usual, and resigned to the fact that he might (or might not) be totally dying, likely sooner than later.

Oh wait, whoops, not actually dying, we must have misunderstood the man.

“What is happening to me mentally is not a depression, is not a death, it is a transformation,” he said, because everyone knows Mormon messengers of the Lord don't die, they simply morph into some super human/animal hybrid, typically a heartier, stronger vessel, to continue spreading their divine grace here on Earth.

'I don't necessarily mean physical, but mentally I think this is going to be a spiritual journey. It is going to be a physical journey. It is going to be a mental journey."

Oh sweet Shutter Island! Has Glenn Beck finally realized what the doctors have been telling him all along?? That he is physically fine, but mentally insane??

But what about the "tingling sensation and problems with feeling in his hands and feet?"

Glenn naturally realizes these are probably just "spiritual wounds" (Stigmata?) since it is a known fact that almost everyone in the world is constantly trying to sneak in and steal li'l bits of his beautiful, pure white soul every night under the cover of darkness. So that makes total sense!

But then one of the so-called "doctors" said something about how "we have to do all of these blood tests because we have to look for toxins and poisons, and that word stuck out to me. And it's not poison like you know, it's like lead paint. And I'm like, no, I haven't been eating lead chips. And that word stuck out to me."

Ya know because, he's always adored chips. Any kind really. Paint, Lead, BBQ, but especially sour cream 'n onion. That's his all-time favorite! Oh wait, he means that other word, poison. Ooops, honest mistake!

"The last 24 hours as I've been thinking about the doctors saying we're looking for toxins, we're looking for poisons in your body, I know what they are." (Socialist free radicals??)

"For four years I have tried to understand the mind of what I believe are monsters....And for four years I have been trying to understand the minds of people that I think are so misled, and they are the exact opposite of what I have tried to be, what I want to be, what I strive for."

Involuntary commitment at Bellevue Psychiatric Hospital?

"I believe we can be better people. I believe in the American experiment. But I also believe there are very misguided people, and I have been drinking that poison, which others may not find poison, but I do because it is exact opposite of me. And I have been 'That which you gaze upon, you become.'"

Holy Polygamy! Beck's been poisoned by the slow drip of sanity secretly being injected into him by watching Jon Stewart & Rachel Maddow? Or does he mean drinking the poison that comes with having to look and listen to Papa Bear Bill O' Reilly, Sean Hannity and whatever blond Hooters waitress currently anchoring Fox News, grunt all day and utter nonsense about Hitler NObama's roving death panels coming to kill li'l Trigger, Granny, and the entire Teabag nation?

The world may never know!

What we do know is Archangel Glenn will be taking several days off next week to "undergo tests at a hospital out west," which may or may not be the Betty Ford Clinic's psychiatric unit. Or maybe even the River Styx flowing along the boundary between Earth and Hades.

Glenn talked at length about how the bond with his radio audience has been built on a foundation of disclosure (and Goldline coins!) and that he felt it was important for him to share as much information as he could, “So that you will understand my mindset.”

It also helps if you down a tall, frosty glass of paint thinner, dress up like your favorite founding father, put yourself in a straight jacket, lock yourself in a small, whitewashed room with padded walls, look out the Overton Window, and speak in tongues about how the Virgin Mary and liberals are conspiring together to murder the holy li'l Jesus Christ fetus growing inside you, and implant the demon seed of Lucifer in your womb instead, in some sick, twisted satanic plot to help Obama win in 2012, Democrats retain both Houses of Congress, and slowly destroy the world from within.

Starting of course with the decaying mind of a one-time fallen-drunkard-turned-pudgy-born-again-Mormon Messenger-of-God (Brigham Young?) & Goldline International, whose path to Deification is paved with worthless Gold (plated) coins, faux tears, toxic chalkboard fumes, and a few too many deep fried paint chips.

Get well soon, you patriotic maniac! And remember, go into the light, Glenn! Go into the light!

For the Power of Prophet Profit compels you!

Besides, no one likes a tease, Glenny!

Glenn Beck & Sarah Palin Know The Best Way To Honor 9/11 Victims Is To Score As Much Dirty, Sexy Money Off The Poor Schmucks As Possible!

In "honor" of the thousands of innocent American civilians murdered nine years ago, on that fateful autumn day in 2001, überpatriots Sarah Palin and Glenn Beck will be a holding their own personal 9/11 event in Alaska to "honor" their own uncanny ability to dupe the dumb public into pouring moose piles of dirty money into their already fat, overstuffed, blood-soaked coffers. For freedom!

That's right! For just the bargain basement rate of 2,977 murdered souls, plus between $73.75 and $225 for entry, you too can watch Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin weep faux tears for the fallen and real tears (of joy!) for themselves in their their latest, greatest(!) get-rich-quick scheme to steal money from everyday, hardworking men & women, and honor the nation by dishonoring all those who tragically lost their lives in the worst terrorist attack in U.S. history. Hooray!

Because this 9/11 rally is very much for-profit! Oh, you betcha!

These two gutless swindlers are charging up to $225 for entry, with the most expensive tickets offering a "meet and greet." There will be a bar, too! You just have to get the "wet" section tickets.

Disclaimer: Beck will likely not be in the "wet" section lest he fall from Jesus-blessed grace and return to his bumbling, boozy ways of acting like an inebriated buffoon....He can do that all by himself, without the help of alcohol now, thank you very much!

And if that weren't reason enough, as of now, no charity has been named to receive the proceeds, which means every dripping red cent will go straight to our own twin towers of freedom and real American heroes of 9/11 Glenn Lee Beck and Sarah Louise Palin. Yay!

Alaska-area promoter Christopher Cox said the date of the event is a coincidence. Cox originally was eyeing Sept. 4, but did not want to compete with the Alaska State Fair, and moved the date to a week later, which worked out better for Beck as well.
"And you know what, it's a great date for me, for America, for Alaska," Cox said.

Oooooh, so it's just a coincidence that it's on 9/11?? Just like Glenny's coincidental KKK "Restoring Honor" rally for invalid obese people on the very location and day as Martin Luther King's almost-as-historic "I Have A Dream" Speech or say, that oddly coincidental Independence Day celebration that freakishly falls on July 4, of all dates!

And to think, I simply thought since the anniversary of the death of the 2,977 innocent men and women incinerated in a fiery blaze of metal, steel, and jet fuel is such a wonderful moment for America, those two li'l angels from heaven simply couldn't resist! Besides, can you really blame Sarah & Glenn (Glarah) for not wanting to compete with the State Fair, of Alaska?? I know I wouldn't. So, they'll just compete with the 9/11 victims instead. Dead people don't tend to cause too much trouble, anyway!

Which is good because I know at least two people who have some serious blood money to make! We're talking an absolute killing! Metaphorically speaking of course! After all, they wouldn't want to offend anyone or anything. Except maybe their sensibilities. Which isn't worth much anyway.

Grab your "wet" tickets, put on your finest Star Spangled jumpsuit and head due North to ol' Anchorage, Alaska to celebrate(?) 9/11 in Teabaggin' style...at the Glenn Beck/Sarah Palin "Accidental, Coincidental Circus Spectacular, The Greatest Show On Earf!"

***Act Now! Because the first 500 patriots get a 100% authentic Koran for the post-show special, "Sean Hannity Presents: Bonfire of the Vanities--The Devil Wears Burka, A Tribute To 9/11," holy book burning bonanza, at no extra cost!***

With all the smoke and insanity, it'll be like 9/11 all over again! Minus Rudy Giuliani.

Getcha popcorn ready...Freedom will never be the same again!

Ugh, Why Won't Obama Walk Around With His Birth Certificate Plastered On His Forehead, Or At Least A Tea Bag To Blend In?

If you thought being a black man in America was hard, try being a black president in America and let me know how that feels. You can't even begin to imagine the kind of nonsense the dude has to go through every single f-ing day, and that's not even including Orange Boehners in Congress, BP spillin' baby spillin' oil every which way, Bush's final "F You" to America (in the form of no jobs and no money), a war on terror in Afghanistan, a war on brown colored Mexican-y looking people in Arizona, a war on gross Muslims near Ground Zero and everywhere else within a million square miles, and all the bajillion other terrible things threatening to destroy our country now. (Fox News? A Republican majority?)

Just look at what the citizens of the bestest, most amazingest, God & freedom-lovingest nation ever to grace the face of the Earth think about that weird, dark man with the funny name now.

Eighteen percent of Americans think Barack Hussein Obama is a Muslim. Twenty-seven percent believe he "probably" or "definitely" wasn't born in the good ol' US of A, but somewhere far, far away like Kendonesia or something, and still Obama doesn't feel the slightest bit compelled to prove he is in fact a dumb, white Christian born in the middle of an Iowan cornfield like the rest of the Birther nation, who are not at all racist, just naturally suspicious of this black Hussein fellow claiming to be president.

While in New Orleans to commemorate something about Bush hating black people so much he drowned an entire city, President Barack Hussein Obama had the pleasure of sitting down with mainstream media extraordinaire Brian Williams to discuss what is really important (certainly not some dumb French city!) like whether it's true what everyone's saying, how he is really a secret Muslim terrorist Kenyan, etc?

Obama took a deep breath to gather his thoughts when asked if the poll reflected his inability to communicate with voters, "The facts are the facts. We went through some of this during the campaign — there is a mechanism, a network of misinformation that in a new media era can get churned out there constantly,” said a visibly annoyed Obama, referring to “birthers,” who have waged a guerrilla campaign questioning either the existence or the validity of his Hawaiian birth certificate.

“I will always put my money on the American people, and I’m not going to be worried too much about what rumors are floating around there.”

But what about the poll numbers, Barry! Brian wants to know why so many people don't know what he really is, like does he go to an actual Jesus Church? Or is he really a radical Muslim or Socialist Pagan Demoncrat like the polls say? And doesn't that make El Presidente nervous?

"I can't spend all of my time with my birth certificate plastered on my forehead."

And why may I ask is that? Because it doesn't exist?? Hmmm, is that it, Barry Soetero? Were you even born at all, or hatched from some primordial egg down in your real birth place in the SEVENTH CIRCLE OF HELL?

What other, terrible un-American, meany things did alleged president "Barack Hussein Obama" have to say during this sweet, sit down chit-chat with actual elitist, arugula-eating news person Brian Williams?

What?? He didn't watch Fox News superstar and maybe-going-blind gold-coin salesman Glenn Lee Beck's "Restoring Honor" rally to reclaim Martin Luther King's dream for freedom and a re-segregated America?

Haha, L-O-S-E-R!

What, were you too busy frolicking on Martha's Vineyard and "being focused on the long term, not on the Nightly News" to watch American legends Glenn Beck & Sarah Palin take back America with their loyal militia of obese people motorin' around on medicare scooters and mutterin' bout taxes, immigrants, and how the big bad gubmint's comin' for their guns?

“It’s not surprising that someone like a Mr. Beck is able to stir up a certain portion of [the American people]...That’s been true throughout our history.”

No duh! Why else would they be dressed in colonial costumes, waving Teabags around if they weren't fighting for the freedom to ignore the Constitution, if it means dirty A-rabs are allowed to build houses of worship (aka mosques, gasp!) in this country too?

No terror temples in their backyards, just mega churches and good, old fashioned American traditions like Koran burning bonfires and hate rallies!

Too bad Obama won't just mindlessly discriminate against Muslims and abandon the Constitution whenever dumb white mobs would like him to! He even thinks the 'slims should be able to build a dreaded mosque and community center near the sacred ground of an abandoned, old Burlington Coat Factory, and he's not even wilting in the face of criticism!

“I didn’t walk it back it all,” he said. “I was very specific with my team...The core value and principle that every American is treated the same doesn’t change. … At [a White House Ramadan celebration], I had Muslim Americans who had been in uniform fighting in Iraq. … How can you say to them that their religious faith is less worthy of respect? ... That’s something that I feel very strongly about.”

You are only allowed to tell gross gay and lesbians they are less worthy of respect and unfit for military service, which is reserved for respectable people like convicted felons, drug pushers, and sex offenders only.

He added, “I respect the feelings on the other side.”

Ugh, of course you do, Mr. let's all join hands and sing Kumbaya while swaying gently in the breeze. So by all means, feel free to hate haters! And if you want an effigy of his likeness, I'm sure the White House would be more than happy to provide it!

But if it's not it his suspicious Africany origins, his penchant for protecting stupid First Amendments like the freedom to be a terrible, terrorist Muslim, his ability to handle Gulf disasters without thousands of casualties and the submerging of an entire city (just some dead wildlife and a destroyed ecosystem nbd), or his uncanny tendency to stay cool, calm, and collected in the face of widespread idiocy, Sarah Palin's tweets, and reliving Dr. King's dream of equality with white supremacy rallies led by a fat white clown with delusions of divinity, just what, oh what, has the Grand Old Patriots all hot 'n bothered about this swarthy man who may or may not be Hitler, the Antichrist, and a Komodo Dragon with good oratory skills all rolled into one?

Oh, so that explains it!

America's Special People & Living Warnings Against The Dangers Of KFC Arrive For Beckapalooza

Hark, ye caffeinated patriots of the revolution! Rise up, err, or umm remain seated, ye lardbottoms on your ridiculous scooters, paid for by NObama's Socialist Medicare, so you can stay politically active while remaining aerobically inactive, like true freedom fighters fulfilling MLK's dream of equality and saturated-fat clogged arteries.

Woohoo!

On this most historic, miraculous God & Glenn-blessed event in the history of the United States of America, when loyal patriots of fast food chains and freeDUMB come scooting, limping, and waddling from sea to shining sea to fill the nation's capital with liberty and justice for all...intellectually barren and/or physically immobile bigots. Hooray!

But just what is Glenn Beck's rally really all about, other than restoring honor in the form of oversized, sequined Dr. Seuss hats??

By the looks of it, America seems to be a proud nation of obese white men and women who've either been religiously (CHRISTIAN, we hope) applying 75 SPF sunblock or been living in the parts of the nation that do not receive direct sunlight, such as underground bunkers or perhaps one of Dick Cheney's various fallout shelters scattered beneath the Earth's crust. Yes sir-ee, this fine crew looks ready to help their weeping prophet Glenn Beck "Restore Honor" by confirming every ugly stereotype about a ruined nation filled with dumb white trash waving Chinese-made American flags and lugging industrial-size coolers filled with corn syrup and lard.

But how else will God's golden-haired messenger Glenn Lee Beck and lipstick wearing legend of the Snowy North go about fixin' America, and saving this once-glorious nation, now that's its been overrun by elitist communists of many colors, not just pure snow Jesus white?

Perhaps by gathering the nation's elderly, plopping them in lawn chairs, and witnessing the picturesque vision of our nation’s Soviet Capitol teeming with beautiful wheelchair and scooter-bound heroes dressed up like our founding fathers and proudly waving banners that reflect true American values like "Buy Gold!" "No Buttsecks...Or Health Care For Poors!" "My Body, Your Choice," and "Got Tea?"

How about hanging some Nuremberg-style banners (with a hopey-changey NObama-y theme??) along with some homemade posters with childish caricatures of the Lincoln Memorial, to block that hideous actual Lincoln Memorial, lest it distract from the radiant beauty of Glenn Beck or any other pale, pudgy patriots channeling God's divinity and the dreams of historic black civil rights leaders by turning them into actual nightmares.

Or perhaps just the terrifying hallucinations of a syphilitic brain??

I Went To Glenn Beck's Rally, All I Got Was This Stupid T-Shirt

Uh oh, looks like all of this man's racist shirts that actually make sense were at the dry cleaners. Oh, and for the record, it's "Mauritania," dipshit.

Speaking of...

The New New Colossus

Oh Lady Lad of Liberty:

"Give me your tired, your poor (hygiene included?), Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free (of respirators!), The wretched refuse of your teeming shore (check!). Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door!"

Or Dr. Glenn Lee Beck's "Honor Restored" version:

"Give me your ignorant, your stupid, Your huddled fatsos yearning to buy Bacon double cheeseburgers & The Overton Window. Send these, the homeless (or trailer park dwellers), Texas-toast to me, I lift (with arthritic arms) my zippo beside the gold-plated coin!"

Glenn Beck Has A Dream...That You Make Him Even Richer By Buying His Dumb Book & Attending His White Power Rally In DC

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.'s paler, pudgier (un)civil rights "brother" Glenn Lee Beck and his army of Teabaggers will be descending on Washington, DC this weekend to commemorate the anniversary of MLK's famous "I Have a Dream" speech for whatever reason mobs of angry white men choose to honor the nation's foremost civil rights activists & proponents of racial equality by shouting racist obscenities at the National Mall (comic irony?).

But it turns out Glenn Beck's dreams of a world dedicated to making a certain golden-haired angel of truth even richer and more famouser by helping push his latest, greatest book assault on the English language upon the unsuspecting masses may have hit the proverbial snooze button.

Because some of Beck's fellow wingnuts and white power patriots on the right think Glenny over here may simply be throwing this so-called Beckapalooza ("Restoring Honor") to help not the conservative cause (whatever that may be), but rather his own celebrity status and personal bank account of freedom.

Influential conservative blogger Erick Erickson said Beck won’t be able to answer what Erickson has called lingering questions about “whether he’s doing it for himself or doing it for the movement,” even with a successful event this weekend.

“People are going to want to see what comes out of this weekend long term — is it a flash in the pan or is it something longer term?” said Erickson. “Part of the problem is that he didn’t hold onto the 9-12 stuff and it’s kind of descended into competing factions and chaos. He is going to have to be careful, I think, to make sure that he perpetuates this in some way or it’s going to start becoming a punch line.”

I know, I know, Glenn Beck, a punch line? HA, impossible!! But still, some on the right are all upset because Glenn's "9.12 Project," which apparently tried to change the way America punctuates dates post-9/11 by replacing slashes with decimal points (or something like that?), appears to have fallen by the wayside. Guess Glenn did not do a good enough job keeping those Teabaggers red-faced and seething with hatred and bigotry, and as a result, they started to get bored and, consequently less full of hate, and this upsets activists very much.

Meanwhile, at least one tea party group rejected Beck’s entreaties to assist with the march, concluding he was offering little in return for its organizational know-how and credibility, while giving preferential treatment to FreedomWorks, which is paying to sponsor Beck’s radio show. The group’s leader, who requested anonymity to avoid antagonizing Beck, said, “All he’s doing is trying to use us to promote himself.”

And the problem with that is? Jesus Christ had no problem using his disciples to spread the Christian word of God, why should Glenny? Besides, why is Mr. Anonymous so afraid of Beck in the first place? I mean what's the worst that could happen? Beck drowning him in a cascade of Vicks VapoRub tears?

“I call it ‘Beckaplooza,’ because it seems to be all about Beck,” said Andrew Ian Dodge, the Maine state coordinator for Tea Party Patriots, a coalition of local groups that has helped stage several big rallies, many to protest what they saw as unchecked government expansion under President Barack Obama and the Democratic Congress.

At the request of Beck’s team, which lacked the organizational infrastructure or logistical know-how to pull off Saturday’s march, asked for assistance, Tea Party Patriots agreed to help promote the march among its 500,000 email subscribers and to provide 400 volunteers to staff it, a requirement before the National Park Service would issue a permit.

But when the Patriots were deciding whether to help with Saturday’s rally, Dodge said there was internal queasiness over the M.L.K. link and Beck’s inflammatory rhetoric, including his blasting of Obama as a racist.

“There have been discussions continuously over the last year about whether he is necessarily a force for good or not necessarily,” said Dodge, who is not planning to attend Beck’s rally and expressed concern that it could produce controversy that might haunt the tea party. “Beck takes it outside of the realm of fiscal conservatism into issues that are more emotional and make you wonder if we really want to be associated with this guy.”

Whoa, whoa whoa!! What did you just say? "Make you wonder if we really want to be associated with this guy?" What are you insane or something (yes!)?

I thought the whole problem was that Beck didn't inflame Teabaggers enough! Now, suddenly calling an Obama a secret Muslim terrorist elitist socialist illegal immigrant thug racist is going "too far?" Is this not America, land of the free, brave, and deranged just cause Blacky NObama's sittin' in the once-pure snow White House? Well, I for one say, it doesn't go far enough!

“We very much appreciate and support Glenn’s general message that he puts forth on a daily basis ... He consistently espouses free market views and views that espouse what the founders thought,” said AFP President Tim Phillips. “It’s a good message—and so whatever direction he chooses to take with this day and this march, we support it.”

Thanks heavens someone remembers the true values of Teabagger Patriots (White Power Nationalists)! Getting used by a psychotic, yet shrewd mega-millionaire like Glenn Beck all so he can sell his awful books and make even more oodles of delicious Ben-Franklin flavored fruit from the free market money tree growing in his backyard. Because isn't that the whole point of being a Teabagger? Hating terrible, unAmerican taxes on the rich because you want rich people to have more money?

Surely, it is written in the Constitution, right there next to the part about how gross poor people should never, ever be allowed to get adequate, affordable health care, but be forced to die in the streets instead, while real patriots like Glenn Beck and Co. laugh and throw crumpled dollar bills at their limp, lifeless bodies.

Just like Dr. King always dreamed it would be.

Bill O' Reilly Is Utterly Offended That The One Thing Glenn Beck Refuses To Act Like A Deranged Mental Patient About Is Gross Gay Marriage

OMG, get your tuxes out, (gay) ladies and gentleman who reside in the soon-to-be same-sex cesspool of sin & sodomy of Gayifornia!

A week after permanently destroying the moral fabric of America with one stroke of his Prop 8-killing gavel, Judge Vaughn Walker, elitist liberal activist Judge Vaughn Walker has struck at the heart of hetero America once again.

But don't worry, because gay Californians will not be able to ruin America with their marriage smut until August 18th doomsday. Then, gays and lesbians can feel free to fill up City Halls across the Golden State, where they will finally be able to do gross things like exchange "vows" in front of highly impressionable, horrified women, children, and elderly nursing home residents.

Thank heavens there are still some people who are not willing to just sit back and watch as America goes down the gay nuptial drain.

Brave, decent pillars of morality like Papa Bear Bill O' Reilly, who invited fellow Fox News hero Glenn Beck on his show to discuss this latest attack on decency and freedom in the form of committed, monogamous federally recognized unions of matrimony...with the wrong penis-vagina ratios!

Until the unthinkable happened. The usually reliably insane, tear-producing, hate-spewing, gay bashing, freedom-fighting rodeo clown of the wingnut right Glenn Lee Beck suddenly morphed into some arugula-eating, family-values destroying liberal who doesn't even think the end of civilization will come from Adam and Steve sashaying to the altar in matching, color coordinated Valentino suits. This absurd lapse into coherent sanity cannot stand! It makes Papa Bear O' Reilly quite uncomfortable, which in turn, makes the whole world uncomfortable!

Why doesn't Beck cover culture-war issues or feel even the slightest bit threatened by this frightening man-on-man menace? Could he be one of them?? Why doesn't he get all hot 'n bothered, purplish red with rage like ol' Billy over here?

The man would like to know!

“Do you believe—do you believe that gay marriage is a threat to the country in any way?” O’Reilly asked.

"A threat to the country? No, I don't," Beck said, laughing, adding mockingly, "Will the gays come and get us?" And thus the strange pattern of Glenn Beck making sense continues.
 
"Honestly, I think we have bigger fish to fry," Beck said. "You can argue about abortion or gay marriage or whatever all you want. The country is burning down..." he said, adding that marriage "is a religious right" and "I don't think the government has anything to do with it." 

Channeling his inner Thomas Jefferson, one of his many founding father heroes, Beck replied, "If it neither breaks my leg, nor picks my pocket, what difference is it to me?"

Well this just about makes Papa Bear lose it altogether, and fly into one of his signature vein popping, ('roid fueled?) nationally televised rages, usually reserved for teleprompters and interns only.

What makes dumb ol' deranged Glenny Beck so God damn special that he can get his crazy viewers to still tune in for reasons other than to get all riled up about their ol' culture-crushing mainstays, fetuses and queers?

Why does he think it's a-okay to report on very important Calvin Coolidge news, yet all-but "ignore the profound change in the American family" caused by these marauding, marriage-obsessed abominations before God?

What makes him so wonderfully immune to the rest of the whackjobs and wingnuts all the other esteemed Fox News team is held captive by, and must constantly nourish with lies, prejudice and hate, or risk losing their status as the #1 highest rated news show among the senile 85+ crowd, in the whole wide world?

Ugh, if only crazy came as naturally to him as it does to America's blonde haired, blue-eyed angel of truthiness and psychotropic-induced reason!

This really ticks old salty dog O'Reilly off. But don't fret Papa Bear! Even a broken clock is right twice a day.

For the remaining 1438 minutes, just do what you usually do. Foam at the mouth growling with seething rage until the next dopey pinhead sitting across from you says something sooooooo compassionate about gays, liberals, or Jennifer Aniston, that your big Papa Bear grizzly head pops right off its beautifully red-hot vein-bulging neck.

In other words, comes unhinged.

Surely, Glenn Beck Likening Obama's Presidency To Evil Gorillas Enslaving Human Kind Has Nothing To Do With Race

When pudgy albino reminder of what happens when traumatic childhood meets troubled, emotionally unstable, born-again adulthood, Glenn Lee Beck, hits the airwaves, the result is usually an alternately comical and tragic mixture of hilarious nonsense tinged with saline tears, and culminating in the deranged rantings of a paranoid schizophrenic with a deep-seated hatred for black people. Errr, make that, the deranged rantings of a paranoid schizophrenic who will not just sit back and weep (faux tears) while America is overrun by a half-black president, who ironically enough, happens to have a deep-seated hatred for white people, particularly fat talking heads with limited education but unlimited sense of his own inflated ego and intellectual prowess.

This time the rollicking good cheer and utter hilarity manifested itself in the form of a not-at-all racist rant from Fox News' favoritest on-air Aryan and resident White Power scholar Glenn Beck comparing America under the Obama administration to "the damn Planet of the Apes."

What a fascinating thought! Lovely, actually! But what ever could darling Glenny B mean by such a bold, not-in-the-least-bit-loaded statement such as this? Surely nothing to do with race-baiting his viewers by comparing the U.S. under a black president to a science fiction movie about an earth controlled by monkeys, using the old, hackneyed stereotype comparing African Americans to our less evolved Simian counterparts. That would be too obvious, right?

So what was El Becko trying to say? From what we can decipher from his incoherent, nonsensical, rambling stream of consciousness monologue, likely something about how Democrats (and the shadowy black cabal) are going to enforce mandatory white-baby abortions, death sentences for dear ol' Granny, and march every last innocent (non-elitist) Caucasian to Ivy League Prisons throughout the East, where they will be forced-fed arugula and exposed to Keith Olbermann's talking points for 24 hours straight.

All we know, is that some point between fighting for jobs, middle-class tax cuts and reforms that will reign in special interests, Beck loses it, throws himself into conniptions, and is suddenly stricken by a severe fit of epilepsy, followed by a total loss of control over the gaping hole snuggly sandwiched between his nose and numerous chins.


"Special interest! What planet have I landed on? Did I slip through a worm hole in the middle of the night and this looks like America? It's like the damn Planet of the Apes. Nothing makes sense!"

Least of all the deranged madman having mental breakdowns and weeping Vick's VapoTears on the telly every night. 

"The guy who's helped destroy all these pensions, Andy Stern, he is now on the financial oversight committee. Is this who we want to take advice from?"

Wake up, people! I, for one, would much rather take advice from a born-again Mormon with no higher education to speak of except for his extensive first-hand knowledge of the destructive path of drug and alcohol abuse, as a way to deal with severe mental illness that has up to that point, gone undiagnosed.
 
"The unions who have collapsed all of the businesses, who have collapsed all of their pensions, they are bankrupting everything they touch and we go to them and we say, yes, tell me, what should we do? It's like any marital tips from Tiger Woods."

Hahahaha, everyone knows black men are insatiable sex-crazed fiends, whose only advice is to find the cheapest hooker with the tightest lips who isn't gonna go blabbing to the lamestream media about how you like to be tied up and whipped into submission while wearing a dog collar and leash.

"Hey, I got an idea. Let's appoint the guy who designed the Edsel and the Yugo to head up G.M.
This is how crazy it is. That actually might be an improvement. Let's get the inventor of Betamax to be our technology czar. Yes! Yes!"

No, no! Nothing less than Jesus Christ our Savior will do. We want Jeebus! We want Jeebus! Yay!

"Hey, the guy who created smokeless cigarettes, he's our new EPA chief."

And the dopey, weird ADHD kid with the sloppy joe remains on his shirt, who eats glue, picks his nose, and perfected the spitball will be our new most trusted source of news and information. Woohoo!

"We are turning to the epic failures of our time and hoping that they will fix it. How? I don't know if God is even powerful enough to help him fix it."

Aww, c'mon on now! God can do anything! After all, HE did save a desperate drunkard, with nothing to offer and no skills to speak of, and turn him into our beloved, golden-haired rodeo clown Messiah of the Times, now didn't HE?

Anyway, after his series of convulsions, Glenn then launches into one of his signature rants about the rampant crime afflicting four American cities, no doubt plucked from his infamous list of dirtbag cities: Oakland, Philadelphia, Baltimore and Newark. Oh and let's not forgot the that one bustling metropolis on everyone's mind: East St. Louis, of course!

Naturally, the first thing that comes to mind when thinking of these four cities is their Democratic mayors and city councils. What does not dawn on Beck or any of his loyal freedom fightin' followers is certainly not the fact that they're all majority-black cities. Didn't even cross their enlightened, color-blind minds!


"They're doing a pretty good job, no? Progressivism is a cancer and if we keep going down this road, all of our cities will be crumbling because you'll be paying for the dirtbag cities that made choices to do crazy stuff that you weren't involved in."
Like say, let the black devil in to seduce their women and subvert the white man's culture with their home-style cookin' and Rhythm & Blues.

"Progressives need to you do be dependent on them." Huh??

"Hey, wait a minute. Hold it. Didn't I just see that welfare rolls are at an all-time high? What a wild coincidence."

Wild as in a pack of spotted hyenas roaming the 'frican Savannah looking to scavenge a free lunch off the hard, predatory work of others.
 
Which brings us back to the whole "damn Planet of the Apes" analogy, which obviously has nothing to do with America living under a black president. NOTHING! Couldn't be farther from the truth!

Thing is, with Glenn Beck's piercing intellect and various shades of meaning and subtlety in everything he says, it can be soooooo hard to understand what exactly is going on in that brilliant head of his.

Perhaps sweet Glenny simply meant America is like Planet of the Apes, in the sense that both contain the letter "E" and "A." Try wrapping your feeble pea-brain around that one, America!

Ooooh, wonder what perfectly logical, racism-free classic cinema comparison he'll dream up next.

Hopefully something that can in no way, under any circumstance, ever be misconstrued as the moronic, hate-filled ramblings of an embittered country bumpkin who does not much care for the policies of some gangbangin' black man playin' hoops in his once-pure, once-tennis court wrapped White House.

Like, Amistad, but only in the sense that the U.S., like the slave-ship carrying captured West Africans into slavery, too has a long and storied history of maritime exploration, and adventurous spirit discovering new and exciting transatlantic trade routes.

For precious freedom...to chain and shackle whichever inferior, non-white race or species they want.

A Handy New How-To Wingnut Guide For When The Big Bad Government Comes For Your Innocent Guns

What do you do when some filthy criminal (Black/Liberal/Jew/Mexican/etc) breaks into your house and tries to steal all your God-given guns, Glenn Beck approved gold coins 'n other precious stuff??

Why, you pick up one of your 99 trusty shotguns decoratively adorning various shelves and cabinets around the house. Then you shoot that trespassing motherf**ker full of lead until there's nothing left but the Swiss cheese remains of their once live, warm, now bloodied, bullet-riddled body sullying your floor!

But what if one of those dirty marauders happens to be after your very 2nd amendment right to bear semi-automatic weapons, and tries to steal all your shiny metal guns before you have the chance to pump 'em full of hollow tipped holes and splatter the sucker's brain all over the wall? Then what??

Well, for a mere $60 (or like $100 worth of Glenn Beck gold coins) you too can be prepared for your own apocalyptic disaster and/or nightmare scenario when roving gangs of vicious punks come prowling around your trailer, licking their chops at the chance to take away all your precious guns and, maybe have their merry way with your supple wife and daughter too, mwhahahahaha!

It's called HideYourGuns.com and if you too are a patriot of America who falls for pop-up ads about fat suburban wives morphing into size 0 supermodels all by following this one old secret online, then this is for you!

Unless, of course you're some twinkle-toed NObama lovin' librul...

"If you're shocked by straight talk about the nature of the crisis facing our country, this book may not be for you. And if you're a liberal and are offended by talk about God and country, this is definitely not for you."

But if you're packin' something other than a Gideon bible in your back pocket, then this badboy's for you!

"As those punks left my house that day they must have been feeling that they had cleaned me out completely. But even with a broken wrist I got the last laugh. Here’s why: I had a secret cache of weapons hidden deep inside my house, where no thugs or even a sophisticated criminal would ever think to look."

"I knew that hidden safely away in my house was my real gun collection, the one worth thousands of dollars and including muzzle loaders from the 'War Between the States' and a few guns my grandfather gave me when I was young. The truth is, even if they had known where to look, they wouldn’t have gotten them."

Hahaha, the mindless fools! Thinkin' they swiped your prized rifle/pistol/semiautomatic gun collection (from the terrible war of Northern Aggression) when all they really came away with was some cheap decoy guns you don't even care about or tenderly clean with a soft cloth and warm spit every night by the fire while watching your favoritest Fox News anchor hoot 'n holler about these gun-hungry hooligans.

It's all part of the ingenious wingnut secret available only to those true red, white, 'n blue patriots willing to shell out $50 plus another $10 for shipping and handling for their very own fool-proof manual on how to dupe dark-skinned criminals into stealing the wrong gun collection when breaking & entering your home during times of lawlessness, anarchy, catastrophe, or liberal black presidents with Hussein in his name.

"I also explain the truth about a ‘panic room’ and how and when it might be a good idea for you to get busy and build one. But that’s not all. I reveal the cold hard truth about buying the right kind of safe for your valuables, including:

When you need a safe and what kind to buy. Where to put your safe so they can’t get into it, even if they manage to find it (page 15). What you absolutely must have on the bottom of the safe. Four questions you must ask the safe company before you buy."

"If you’re like me, you’re not just worried about hiding your guns but gold coins and other valuables as well. The truth is, you should be building an emergency preparedness plan for your family or loved ones right now in the event of a terrorist attack or civil unrest. (I cover all this in the book)."

Right now!! Or better yet, as soon as that secret Muslim terrorist elitist Barack Hussein Obama hijacked the once-pure White House!

But that's not all! Author and brainchild behind this brilliant hideyourguns movement, Sam "Sharkman" Adams, will also give you top-secret advice on how to stay a lean mean armed & dangerous fighting machine when the rest of the dumb public are being led like little sheep to the slaughter by crazed Democrats who would like nothing more than to usher in the end of the world through affordable health care and sensible financial practices.

"But I do give you step by step examples you can implement immediately to secure your guns, gold and other valuables. With this new-found knowledge you’ll remain one of the few armed citizens when most of the pathetic sheep are rendered defenseless."

"I have to warn you…this information is likely to send shockwaves through the liberal media, so be discreet about how you use it and who you tell about it."

OOOH, OOOH, secret is sooooooo safe with us! No Jew-run media will ever pry it from our warm, trigger wrapped fingers. Ha ha, yeah, over their dumb, cold, dead liberal hands!

"This book is the only one of its kind in the world, sort of like having your own private pass to Fort Knox, where your guns and valuables are safe from predators."

Not including the blue-soon-to-maybe-be-blind-eyed, blond haired scavenging Fox News kind you see weeping on the teevee every night.

But if you act now, Mr. Sharkman Adams will also throw in FREE special bonus which includes an amazing 2-part CD set with intense “hard-core” techniques for debating with dumb, soon-to-be-dead liberals about guns. It’s called The Great Gun Debate: How To Argue With Liberals About Guns And Win Every Time!

He will also rush you a bonus DVD: The Real Story Behind The Second Amendment. (Hint: No damn Yankee will ever take away your precious right to enslave an entire race again!). And as if that weren't enough, a third gift, The No B.S. Home Defense With Firearms E-book will be sent to you at no extra cost, complete with such life-saving advice as:

• Which lethal weapons you must have in the house
• The truth about a home-defense gun fight.
• Absolute best shotgun for home-defense. 
• Why everyone should own a handgun?
• How to select the best handgun.
• Effective handgun combat firing techniques inside a house.
• Best ways to avoid a dangerous firearms accident in the home
• What if you have to really shoot someone? (legal issues)
• Why almost everyone is wrong about what it takes to deter a criminal
• Special firearms advice for the elderly and disabled
• How to learn to think like a criminal.
• Why you should never go looking for someone who’s broken into your house.

Quick America, act now before blacky NObama and his commie Army of thugs and criminals (and Mexicans!) come knocking down your heavily-fortified steel-encased shelter door to take away your worthless valuable Glenn Beck-sponsored gold-plated coins, constitutional right to make homemade ballistic missiles, hide weapons caches, and other can't-live-without necessary items like fallout shelters and mine fields to help keep America safe from crazed psychopaths bloodthirsty for hippie dippie human sheep without paranoid schizophrenic tendencies who don't even realize grave danger lurks around every corner!

So grab your Ron Paul holster, Glenn Beck gold coins or personal currency of choice, so when the big, bad gubmint, scary black people, question-askin' census workers, turban-sportin' terrorists, poors, queers, border jumpin' Mexis, Jews, Jehovah's Witnesses, cookie-wielding girl scouts, and/or aliens from outer space come for you and your loved ones during the coming Obamageddon and end of civilization as we know it, you can go out with a Grand Ol' freedom-lovin' BANG, instead of a pathetic, pansy liberal BLEAT!

Will 1,000,000 Facebook Prayers Be Enough To Save Dearest Glenn Beck From Becoming America's Favoritest Blind Prophet?

When we were hit with the devastating news that the oracle of the ages, the spiritual eyes of loyal Christian patriots around the world, Glenn Lee Beck, may or may not go blind within the next year, we could hardly believe our still-functioning ears!

Not Glenn Lee Beck, the beautiful blond-haired, blue-but-maybe-also-blind-eyed divine angel of truth sent from the heavens to teach us mere mortals all about freedom, His Holiness, and why America is the bestest, most awesomest country ever to be blessed by God (and Glenn!) on the face of the Earth. Oh, please, please, Lord, anyone but him!

Well thank sweet sufferin' Jesus at least one über-concerned Beck head had the wherewithal and good sense to create a Facebook page called "1,000,000 Prayers for Glenn Beck" in the hopes that when his Holiness is casually perusing the Internets, like he usually does right after sunrise, He comes across this Glenn Beck-devoted page and suddenly realizes perhaps this beloved man is worth the time and effort to heal, after all! Why else would all these people be saying so on Facebook, if it wasn't true?

But what if God's too busy hanging out with angels on clouds or whatever to go on other people's Facebook pages and read all those concerned prayers, or what if He is old and behind the times and only has a MySpace or Friendster? Then what???

Just to be on the super safe side, wouldn't it make more sense to post prayers on God's Facebook page, so you'll know he'll get them (right away!), instead of maybe getting lost or stolen by Sarah Palin's loyal army of Facebook footsoldiers?

Because, we're assuming these are the same people who created the Facebook page praying that Barack Hussein Obama would die, and as far as we know, that bastard's still breathing away...

So ya know, just a suggestion.

But enough prattling on, let's take a look and see all the wonderful not-really prayers and messages concerned, Glenny Beck-blindness-consumed supporters have been leaving on the page's official "wall." Kind of like the Wailing Wall, 'cept this one is in cyberspace 'stead of Jerusalem, which is like probably holier if you think about it. Err, on second thought, it's probably better if you don't!

"Father in Heaven please show your mercy to your servant Glenn Beck. Lord I pray that you would grant him his sight to glorify yourself through him. Lord if it is to be that he loses his sight, I pray for a joy and peace with it, for him and his family, which passes all understanding. In Jesus name I pray."

“YOU ARE IN MY PRAYERS TO JESUS CHRIST OUR LORD AND SAVIOR OF THESE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA SIR YOU ARE SECOND ONLY TO THE GREAT INFORMATION SOCIETY OF WHAT I LISTEN TO DAILY.”

"Prayed for you and your family last night. PROTECTION and continued wisdom. Not long ago I prayed for a modern day person to look up to. I'm thanking God for answering my prayer. You are so bold and unafraid. Thank you for using your gifts to glorify God. Love you, Glenn Beck!"

"Glenn, I started out thinking you were a bit too silly to ever make a real difference. In the past year I have seen you evolve into a legend. At this critical time in America you are so obviously put here as a guiding light to remind us all of the blessing of being American. I pray for your success and that you don't... lose your eyesight. We all recognize truth when we hear it... if we only listen with our heart."

"I see God's loving white light surrounding you and protecting you of any and all evil energies that may cause you any harm or discomfort. May this affirmation bless every patriot that is on the same educational mission to save our country. Thank you God for Glen Beck! Thank you God for giving each of us the courage to ...stand in our own power and speak the truth about the evil forces that is trying to destroy our lives and country."

"Psalms 27:1 The Lord is my Light and my Salvation, whom shall I fear? The Lord is the Strength of my life; of Whom shall I be afraid? Be not afraid Glenn. God is watching out for you. He has sent prayer angels to bathe you in daily prayer."

Amen!

As powerful and worthy of God's attention as these wonderful Jesus-filled odes to Glenn are, for those Beckians looking for an even more direct way to communicate with God, just close your eyes, get down on bended knees, fold your hands together, and say a prayer...IN YOUR MIND. Since it is a proven scientific FACT that God is in your mind and hears your every thoughts.

Plus, you don't even have to worry about God missing your wall post when He does His daily scan of the Earth. Rest assured knowing He will most certainly "hear" your silent prayer, and make a note of it in his blackberry or perhaps iPad if He's more of an Apple deity.

But, whatever you do, never forget the 1,000,000 Prayer For Glenn Beck Mission Statement:

"We support Glenn Beck and believe in the power of prayer. We pray that God will continue to bless, protect and give wisdom to Glenn, his family and all of his staff."

"We also pray that God will continue to bless Glenn with the gift of sight- for his vision has blessed our country by strengthening our faith, providing for us reason to hope and encouraging us to love others through charity."

"Please share and suggest this page to all of your friends and let Glenn know that we are praying for him and appreciate all he does for our country."

OMG, someone get Glenny's chalkboard quick! What's 3,375 People Like This times 1,000,000 Prayers For Glenn Beck, multiplied by the infinite power of God, divided by the terribleness of Obama, plus the awesomeness of Fox News, minus the number of eyes a good Christian patriot has, and you my friends have the precise GOD-GIVEN percent chance of Glenny not only making it out of this ordeal with his precious eyesight, and ability to weep pretend tears, miraculously restored, but his long-lost sanity as well.

LOL, JK! C'mon not even God is powerful enough to make that happen, silly fools!

Oh yeah, and one more thing! Please remember to adjust your Facebook privacy settings so that when God tries to read and/or respond to your prayers, he doesn't get the ol' "this user only shares some of his profile information with everyone. If you know this user, send him a message or add him as a friend."

Cause that's just awkwaaaaard!