When pudgy albino reminder of what happens when traumatic childhood meets troubled, emotionally unstable, born-again adulthood, Glenn Lee Beck, hits the airwaves, the result is usually an alternately comical and tragic mixture of hilarious nonsense tinged with saline tears, and culminating in the deranged rantings of a paranoid schizophrenic with a deep-seated hatred for black people. Errr, make that, the deranged rantings of a paranoid schizophrenic who will not just sit back and weep (faux tears) while America is overrun by a half-black president, who ironically enough, happens to have a deep-seated hatred for white people, particularly fat talking heads with limited education but unlimited sense of his own inflated ego and intellectual prowess.
This time the rollicking good cheer and utter hilarity manifested itself in the form of a not-at-all racist rant from Fox News' favoritest on-air Aryan and resident White Power scholar Glenn Beck comparing America under the Obama administration to "the damn Planet of the Apes."
What a fascinating thought! Lovely, actually! But what ever could darling Glenny B mean by such a bold, not-in-the-least-bit-loaded statement such as this? Surely nothing to do with race-baiting his viewers by comparing the U.S. under a black president to a science fiction movie about an earth controlled by monkeys, using the old, hackneyed stereotype comparing African Americans to our less evolved Simian counterparts. That would be too obvious, right?
So what was El Becko trying to say? From what we can decipher from his incoherent, nonsensical, rambling stream of consciousness monologue, likely something about how Democrats (and the shadowy black cabal) are going to enforce mandatory white-baby abortions, death sentences for dear ol' Granny, and march every last innocent (non-elitist) Caucasian to Ivy League Prisons throughout the East, where they will be forced-fed arugula and exposed to Keith Olbermann's talking points for 24 hours straight.
All we know, is that some point between fighting for jobs, middle-class tax cuts and reforms that will reign in special interests, Beck loses it, throws himself into conniptions, and is suddenly stricken by a severe fit of epilepsy, followed by a total loss of control over the gaping hole snuggly sandwiched between his nose and numerous chins.
"Special interest! What planet have I landed on? Did I slip through a worm hole in the middle of the night and this looks like America? It's like the damn Planet of the Apes. Nothing makes sense!"
Least of all the deranged madman having mental breakdowns and weeping Vick's VapoTears on the telly every night.
"The guy who's helped destroy all these pensions, Andy Stern, he is now on the financial oversight committee. Is this who we want to take advice from?"
Wake up, people! I, for one, would much rather take advice from a born-again Mormon with no higher education to speak of except for his extensive first-hand knowledge of the destructive path of drug and alcohol abuse, as a way to deal with severe mental illness that has up to that point, gone undiagnosed.
"The unions who have collapsed all of the businesses, who have collapsed all of their pensions, they are bankrupting everything they touch and we go to them and we say, yes, tell me, what should we do? It's like any marital tips from Tiger Woods."
Hahahaha, everyone knows black men are insatiable sex-crazed fiends, whose only advice is to find the cheapest hooker with the tightest lips who isn't gonna go blabbing to the lamestream media about how you like to be tied up and whipped into submission while wearing a dog collar and leash.
"Hey, I got an idea. Let's appoint the guy who designed the Edsel and the Yugo to head up G.M.
This is how crazy it is. That actually might be an improvement. Let's get the inventor of Betamax to be our technology czar. Yes! Yes!"
No, no! Nothing less than Jesus Christ our Savior will do. We want Jeebus! We want Jeebus! Yay!
"Hey, the guy who created smokeless cigarettes, he's our new EPA chief."
And the dopey, weird ADHD kid with the sloppy joe remains on his shirt, who eats glue, picks his nose, and perfected the spitball will be our new most trusted source of news and information. Woohoo!
"We are turning to the epic failures of our time and hoping that they will fix it. How? I don't know if God is even powerful enough to help him fix it."
Aww, c'mon on now! God can do anything! After all, HE did save a desperate drunkard, with nothing to offer and no skills to speak of, and turn him into our beloved, golden-haired rodeo clown Messiah of the Times, now didn't HE?
Anyway, after his series of convulsions, Glenn then launches into one of his signature rants about the rampant crime afflicting four American cities, no doubt plucked from his infamous list of dirtbag cities: Oakland, Philadelphia, Baltimore and Newark. Oh and let's not forgot the that one bustling metropolis on everyone's mind: East St. Louis, of course!
Naturally, the first thing that comes to mind when thinking of these four cities is their Democratic mayors and city councils. What does not dawn on Beck or any of his loyal freedom fightin' followers is certainly not the fact that they're all majority-black cities. Didn't even cross their enlightened, color-blind minds!
"They're doing a pretty good job, no? Progressivism is a cancer and if we keep going down this road, all of our cities will be crumbling because you'll be paying for the dirtbag cities that made choices to do crazy stuff that you weren't involved in."
Like say, let the black devil in to seduce their women and subvert the white man's culture with their home-style cookin' and Rhythm & Blues.
"Progressives need to you do be dependent on them." Huh??
"Hey, wait a minute. Hold it. Didn't I just see that welfare rolls are at an all-time high? What a wild coincidence."
Wild as in a pack of spotted hyenas roaming the 'frican Savannah looking to scavenge a free lunch off the hard, predatory work of others.
Which brings us back to the whole "damn Planet of the Apes" analogy, which obviously has nothing to do with America living under a black president. NOTHING! Couldn't be farther from the truth!
Thing is, with Glenn Beck's piercing intellect and various shades of meaning and subtlety in everything he says, it can be soooooo hard to understand what exactly is going on in that brilliant head of his.
Perhaps sweet Glenny simply meant America is like Planet of the Apes, in the sense that both contain the letter "E" and "A." Try wrapping your feeble pea-brain around that one, America!
Ooooh, wonder what perfectly logical, racism-free classic cinema comparison he'll dream up next.
Hopefully something that can in no way, under any circumstance, ever be misconstrued as the moronic, hate-filled ramblings of an embittered country bumpkin who does not much care for the policies of some gangbangin' black man playin' hoops in his once-pure, once-tennis court wrapped White House.
Like, Amistad, but only in the sense that the U.S., like the slave-ship carrying captured West Africans into slavery, too has a long and storied history of maritime exploration, and adventurous spirit discovering new and exciting transatlantic trade routes.
For precious freedom...to chain and shackle whichever inferior, non-white race or species they want.