Breaking News: California Strikes Down Gay Marriage Ban, But Still No Gay Fist Pump From Barry!

OMG, breaking news America! California has officially gone gay...again! But this time maybe for reals even...Like by law for reals!

In one fell stroke of the gavel and 136 pages of dead trees, Chief U.S. District Judge Vaughn Walker ruled that California is now a tolerant state, dem crazy Mormons will have to go back to cock blocking salty states with no sex life, and sodomy and sin shall once again reign supreme across the Golden State. Yay!

“Proposition 8 fails to advance any rational basis in singling out gay men and lesbians for denial of a marriage license. Indeed, the evidence shows Proposition 8 does nothing more than enshrine in the California Constitution the notion that opposite-sex couples are superior to same-sex couples.”

Ummm, duh! I mean any dumb kid on the street could tell you gays are weird and gross. And it has nothing to do with rational thought either, silly! It's called the ick factor (which Mike Huckabee would be more than happy to explain). Besides, everyone knows a real, beautiful heterosexual marriage consists of the miserable union between one man and one woman, not the slightly less miserable union of one man and one man, or one woman and one woman, plus the sinister, Godless destruction of morality.

Everyone except Judge Vaughn Walker, I guess:

“Because Proposition 8 disadvantages gays and lesbians without any rational justification, Proposition 8 violates the Equal Protection Clause of the Fourteenth Amendment.”

Oooooh, and to think you were thisclose, Mormons, thisclose from ensuring every last flannel-clad lezzie and Streisand-singing fag in the state o' Californication is banned from the altar unless they curb their wicked ways and take the pure Church of Latter Day Saints (and latent homosexuality) path of boring straight missionary sex directly to righteousness and sexual frustration.

Either way, appeals are expected have already been filed, and should be just as fun as every other time gays are granted rights before the crazy wingnut right starts wailing about Jesus, Sodom & Gomorrah, God's wrath, and moral fiber, and voila! gays are once again demoted to second-class citizens, like God intended. Hooray!

Naturally, President Obama, like the rest of us sinners and hedonists in America, was thrilled and overjoyed to hear that Proposition 8 was overturned, arugula-eating elitist liberal activist judges or not.

Of course, this does not mean Obama supports actual gross, terrible gay marriage, heavens forbid! No, no, he simply supports "equality for gay and lesbian couples, and benefits and other issues, and that has been effectuated in federal agencies under his control," as White House spokesman David Axelrod so eloquently explained.

Ooooh, I get it, now!

So Obama loooooves gay people so much he wants to give them all the rights and privileges as everyone else, except that one tiny little one that includes big fat diamonds (the size of which dependent on how much you're in love), walking down the aisle (no, not a congressional one), saying some mushy words, sharing a kiss, and then getting raging drunk and dancing the night and your life savings away in blurry, holy matrimony. This apparently is not part of the whole equality thing in Obama's mind.

Here's the thing. People who care about gay rights would like the President to condone the fall of civilization and support gay marriage. People who hate dem queers and gay rights would like Obama to be shipped back to his native Kenya, preferably on the flaming wings of all the flamboyant queers currently destroying America with their fashion sense and good hygiene.

Obama simply would like to serve a second term and thus tries to get gay-and-normal-married to both the anti-gay and pro-gay sides, and ends up sleeping with no one, horny and alone, as a result.

Obama thought Proposition 8 was bad because it was “divisive and mean spirited,” so apparently it is wrong to deny gay people the right to (gay)marry, but it is also wrong to give gay people the right to (gay)marry.

Huh?

Let's see if I've got this straight (and I don't mean the good sexuality!):

"The president does oppose same-sex marriage but he supports equality for gay and lesbian couples."

Oh, you mean kinda like how the Teabaggers aren't terrible racists who hate black people or anything, they just don't want them running their country or marrying their sisters.

Ummmm, sorry Mr. President, but you can't have your cake and eat it too. 49th birthday or not, God damn it!

But on the bright side, now all of those tea birther klansmen (in his base) are totally going to vote for him in 2012, instead of plot his assassination/dismembering in front of a (gay) book burning bonfire.

A plan so mind-blowingly brilliant, no one can even wrap their heads around it.

Least of all his voters.