Chris Christie Vows To Reject New Jersey Gay Marriage Law Faster Than A Jenny Craig Diet

Rejoice gays and gayettes! New Jersey's Senate passed a gay marriage bill today! Now it will shimmy-shake its fabulous self on down to the State Assembly, which will pass it, because why the hell not? From there it will shake its groove thing over to the desk of New Jersey Governor of Sandwiches Fat Fattie Chris Christie, who will promptly veto it and then curse out some old ladies and Kindergarteners for his tasty after-breakfast snack.

Naturally, Democrats in the Garden State won't have the numbers to overturn Christie's veto, so the sanctity of marriage in the filthy, grease-filled shores of New Jersey will fortunately remain limited to Snooki and the bronzed Italian meathead kind enough to take her hand in both holy matrimony and while relieving herself in the back alley of some seedy bar outside Atlantic City.

Because in order to actually become legal in New Jersey, gay marriage legislation would have to accomplish what light itself cannot, which is, of course, to get around Chris Christie.

But Democrats aren't about to allow 500 lbs of redfaced blubbery obstruction stop them from celebrating their awesome, nothing-more-than-symbolic victory for equality and decency, amiright?

Fuggedaboutit!

From the Star-Ledger:

Gay marriage opponents say such a stalemate will put New Jersey’s 10-year debate on ice for a long time. Supporters, however, will treat a vote by both houses as an important milestone in a fight they will continue to wage.
“I don’t think there’s one civil rights leader in the South who thought ending segregation would be a slam dunk on the first time out,” said Assemblyman Reed Gusciora (D-Mercer), New Jersey’s first openly gay lawmaker.
Steven Goldstein, chairman of the gay rights advocacy group Garden State Equality, said the group will celebrate if it passes.
“This week’s marriage equality votes are like the World Series, the Super Bowl and a Barbra Streisand concert all wrapped up in one,” he said.

Or to phrase it in a way Chris Christie can digest, let's call it the Turducken of civil rights.

[image via Gawker]

Michele Bachmann Generously Offers To Let Gays Get Straight Married, Just Like Marcus Bachmann Did!

Minnesota hellwoman and (un)equal rights warrior Michele Bachmann is no stranger to fighting for the little people, those least able to speak for themselves, like the li'l fairy living inside Marcus and the various insane voices living inside her head.

Which is why Michele is working hard to ensure that the civil rights of all Americans are protected, but especially the white heterosexual Christian ones because they are better and infinitely more important, according to Jesus and the Constitution.

But it's not as if Michele is saying gay people shouldn't get married because they are gross abominations of God who will burn in eternal hellfire for their gross gay sins. Not at all! She's simply saying that if gays feel the need to get hitched so damn badly, they can go ahead and feel free to marry a person of the opposite sex, like normal, decent Americans who make a living secretly praying the gay away.

"[Gay people] can get married,” she says, “But they abide by the same law as everyone else. They can marry a man if they’re a woman. Or they can marry a woman if they’re a man." Oooh, so many options!

So straight people can marry who they love, and gay people can marry a straight person because this is how "civil rights" works, or at least according to someone with a mail-order law degree from Crazy Christian U and unshakeable belief that mandatory HPV vaccinations make you retarded.

Luckily, one thoughtful young woman and president of Waverly High School's Gay-Straight Alliance, Jane Schmidt, apparently missed her government-forced vaccination/mental retardation shot because she confronted Miss Bachmann on her obvious inability to make any sense whatsoever.

JANE SCHMIDT: One of my main concerns is government support for the LGBT community. So my question is what would you do to protect GSAs in high school and support the LGBT community.
BACHMANN: Well, No. 1, all of us as Americans have the same rights. The same civil rights. And so that's really what government's role is, to protect our civil rights. There shouldn't be any special rights or special set of criteria based upon people's preferences. We all have the same civil rights.
JANE SCHMIDT: Then, why can't same-sex couples get married?
BACHMANN: They can get married, but they abide by the same law as everyone else. They can marry a man if they’re a woman. Or they can marry a woman if they're a man.
JANE SCHMIDT: Why can't a man marry a man?
BACHMANN: Because that's not the law of the land.
JANE SCHMIDT: So heterosexual couples have a privilege.
BACHMANN: No, they have the same opportunity under the law. There is no right to same-sex marriage.
JANE SCHMIDT: So you won't support the LGBT community?
BACHMANN: No, I said that there are no special rights for people based upon your sex practices. There's no special rights based upon what you do in your sex life. You're an American citizen first and foremost and that's it.
BACHMANN: Remember every American citizen has the right to avail themselves to marriage but they have to follow what the laws are. And the laws are you marry a person of the opposite sex.

Exactly! It's common decency! Kind of like when an insane congresswoman goes on some psychotic, incoherent, mind-numbingly illogical rant, it is your duty to point out the fact that gay marriage is indeed lawful in Iowa, where she was speaking. Not in Minnesota, of course, which at least makes a pretty good legal argument for how she ended up married to Marcus Bachmann.

Though on the bright side, according to the Constitution, Michele is still free to go fuck herself.

Which comes as quite a relief. Not least of all to Marcus!

[image via The Raw Story]

Tea Party Leader Takes Pro-Bullying Stance Towards Gay Teens Because He Loves Freedom...The Freedom To Hate Anyone Not Straight, White, & Deeply In Denial

In these contentious times, there are only so many uncontroversial statements a person can make that pretty much everyone can agree with, like say, "cancer is a terrible disease" or "kicking defenseless puppies in the face is wrong" or "the abuse of children is a terrible thing."

Umm, wait, except that last one, if you're evil, bigoted homophobe (aka secret closet case) Tea Party Nation leader Rich Swier who names his terrible, hate-filled group after a hot, soothing, wildly popular beverage traditionally enjoyed in small, dainty cups by dapper gentleman in foreign places like Socialist Europe (gasp!).

Because, if so, then the relentless, cruel bullying and teasing teenagers inflict and endure, also known as "peer pressure" is a wonderful thing, the kind of thing that helps keeps kids in line, specifically from acting all gross and gay-like.

Sure, "peer pressure" might be responsible for your teenage boy or girl abusing drugs and alcohol, smoking cigarettes, getting drunk and/or pregnant in the backseat of Papa's pickup, graffiting the highway, egging the neighbor's house, planking off the edge of a creaky, unstable bridge 100 ft up, or making the same wardrobe choices as the homeless man hanging out at the local liquor store. 

But, on the bright side, "peer pressure" is also responsible for your sissy kid getting his ass kicked by the entire football team every day at school, which at the very least, should make him think twice about feeling so comfortable in his own awful gay skin.

Just look at what Tea Party Nation and STRAIGHT-AS-AN-ARROW AS-A-MAN-OBSESSED-WITH-GAY-SEX Rich Swier sent to Tea Party Nation members, via RightWingWatch:

This is not bullying. It is peer pressure and is healthy. There are many bad behaviors such as smoking, under age drinking and drug abuse that are behaviors that cannot be condoned. Homosexuality falls into this category. Homosexuality is simply bad behavior that youth see as such and rightly pressure their peers to stop it. In Sarasota County over 70% of all HIV/AIDS cases are due to male sex with males.
I agree with Gulf Coast Gives that “LGBT youth are up to five times more likely to attempt suicide than their straight counterparts.” Homosexuality, like drugs, harms young people if they experement [sic] with it. That is the greatest tragedy.

Almost as tragic as when (3, 2, 1, now?) this same vile, hate-spewing, teenage sexuality-obsessed grown man gets peer pressured caught hiring his own secret luggage handling rent-boy or with his pants around his ankles in a signature wide stance soliciting (gay) sex from undercover policemen in airport men's rooms.

Oh wait, he's a Teabagger, right? Did I say tragic? I meant typical.

Besides, speaking of tragedies, your child coming out as gay isn't so bad. Sure as hell beats coming out as a Teabagger.

Talk about tragic!

New York Says I Do To Gay Marriage, While Republicans Say I Don't To Any & All Rational Thought

OMG, people, GAY is now officially legal in New York!

They're here, they're queer, and they're coming to a gift registry near you!

Now that New York has reclaimed the mantle of progress and equality from it's once-hip, now tragically Mormon, Prop 8 populated friend, California, and become the sixth state to give those pesky gays the right to get married and become as miserable and lame as their heterosexual counterparts, what does this mean for the rest of us?

Should we be happy that freedom, liberty, equal protection under the law, and all the good stuff we looooove saying about America is finally, at least sort of true, instead of just some empty, meaningless, RAH RAH slogan that makes us feel good about ourselves?

Or is it really true what the Republicans have said during culture wars past?

That the biggest threat to America are nice gay and lesbian couples who already live together and share a bank account who would also like to be able to visit each other in the hospital and file joint tax returns and enjoy all the rest of the 1,400 plus rights and privileges afforded to normal, decent opposite sex married couples by destroying the sacred union of one Brittney Spears + one backup dancer + one Elvis impersonator in holy matrimony at the 24-hour Chapel 'O Love on the Vegas strip.

Not to mention all the other terrible things that are going to happen, thanks to "gay marriage," like all of New York's impressionable young children turning gay (wait, or is it artsy?) and everyone getting gay divorced, like the rest of the sacred, morally pure, Jesus approved, blessed unions with the proper penis-to-vagina ratios.

Amiright? Who's with me? Where my Republicans at?

Oh, looky here, it's America's #1 marriage sanctity expert, thrice-divorced white-haired wonder Newt Gingrich, giving his righteous opinion on proper marriage etiquette like the right way to leave your cancer-stricken wife for a much younger, much hotter, trophy wife you can parade around, not tend to while they lay dying in a hospital bed. Boring!

But, seriously, couldn't they just leave well enough alone?

“In our state, we’re going to continue to pursue civil unions,” first-term Republican New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie said. “I am not a fan of same-sex marriage. It’s not something that I support.”

“I believe marriage should be between one man and one woman. I wouldn’t sign a bill like the one that was in New York.”

Unless, he added, it was thick sliced, piled high on warm, fresh baked artisan bread, smothered in cheese, slathered in mayonnaise, preferably chipotle spiced, and wrapped in hearty, thick-cut bacon, like the good Lord intended

Then maybe we could make an exception.

Besides, if all gross gays were allowed to get gross gay married wherever they so pleased, who knows what would happen next?

Michele Bachmann might never have been born because her mommy and daddy were too busy getting their same-sex on with the maid and gardener, respectively.

And then she would never have been popping babies out like a human pez dispenser, and adopting foster children the way you and I buy bulk paper towels at Costco.

Then maybe she could remember all the different voices in her head, so the next time she is asked about the gays getting married, she'll remember the correct answer is not that states can legalize gay marriage if they want to. Bad Michele Voice #2, Bad! But rather that America needs one of those federal constitutional amendments to stop the gays from gaying all over the place or trying to eat Michele with innocent questions in restrooms, or whatever it is they do.

But nooooooooo. Thanks to the pesky gays getting all gay marriagey, Michele Bachmann is forced to kick off her presidential campaign in Waterloo, Iowa, because of its geographic significance or just because she's an idiot.

"Well what I want them to know is just like, John Wayne was from Waterloo, Iowa. That's the kind of spirit that I have, too."

Unfortunately that spirit is less the "beloved movie star" John Wayne and more the "killer homosexual clown who raped and murdered 33 teenage boys in the 1970s," John Wayne Gacy.

Ah yes, fuck gay rights! The holy matrimony of infidelity, gluttony, and batshit insanity is a beautiful thing.

Unlike stupid, gross equality. That's just gay.

For Once Sarah Palin Actually Stands On The Right Side Of History; Like Always She Manages To Offend Us All

Retired snow bunny, current reality teevee star, and president of Twitterbook, Sarah Louise Palin, is trying her very hardest to be taken seriously as a real, electable politician! Mostly by alternating her precious time pallin' around bein' free with Kate Gosselin in majestic, wild Alaska and tweeting 140-character gibberish no one understands all so she can one day become President of America on behalf of all Mama Grizzlies who love Jesus 'n freedom 'n underage teenage pregnancies 'n stuff.

Oh, you betcha!

So, it comes as no surprise that Miss Thang decided to do the proper, professional, presidential thing and let the whole world know her very important opinion on the recent repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell...by re-Tweeting some weirdo rightwing lezzie columnist's Tweet about 'homos' and how microblogging is turning the entire nation into one collective special needs precious li'l miracle named Trigger.

Apparently, Alaska's hellchild Sarah Palin does have tons of gay and lesbian friends! Particularly random, like-minded righties she's never actually met nor heard of 'til now, who just so happen to be one of them awful gays!

From conservative pundit (and secret Sarah Palin BFF) Tammy Bruce's Twitter:

But this hypocrisy is just truly too much. Enuf already—the more someone complains about the homos the more we should look under their bedTue Jan 04 03:12:46 via webTammy Bruce
HeyTammyBruce

OMG, like so true! Everyone knows that those who utterly hate the terrible gross gays the absolute mostest and loudest, and want nothing more than to keep their awful AIDS spreading paws away from the sacred altars and out of the perfectly straight military are usually the ones who end up being terrible gays themselves, or at the very least, the ones with all the secret gay stuff stashed "under their bed."

Everyone including Sarah Palin, that is.

Oooh, how delightful! America's #1 favoritest Twatter of dumb, indecipherable nonsense on important social policies has decided to break her "silence" on the not-really-controversial-except-among-other rabidly-homophobic-probably-also-homosexual-Republicans, Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy, by re-tweeting some conservative dyke's profound 140-character thought about the "Homos" and their "beds."

Hooray for freedom and fags!

Except umm, SarBear, here's the thing. While homos the whole nation over are simply delighted, no, make that overjoyed, that the usually reliably bigoted wench of Wasilla is suddenly totally cool with the terrible gays and lesbians prancing around serving (and servicing!) America's Armed Forces, now that they are legally permitted to do so, it is still considered somewhat distasteful for anyone, let alone a major political figure reality teevee star who is also VERY straight to use the word "homos," or quote its use in any way, even if it is in a vague, semi pro-gay rights context.

Not even Sarah Palin, who owns the entire state of Alaska!

Because unless Mama Grizz wants to throw on a pair of khakis and baggy flannel shirt, throw out the lipstick, and go down on Miss Tammy Bruce, she probably shouldn't be tossing the word "homos" around like the new Lilith Fair CD among a group of San Fran dykes on bikes.

This f**kin' woman! I mean, she would come out for gay rights in a way that pisses off the vast majority of gay people, wouldn't she?

Of course she would! Then again, why on God's green earth would anyone expect professionalism from dingbat Sarah Palin, of all people?

Enuf already!

Breaking News: White House Appeals Don't Ask, Don't Tell Because Who Needs Hope & Change When You Can Have Fear & Injustice Instead?

ANSWER: NONE OF THE ABOVE!

Gay soldiers don't die, silly, they simply deny!

This just in: President Obama is too pussy to end Don't Ask, Don't Tell, a policy he thinks is morally reprehensible, constitutionally illegal, and a mockery of justice and equality, but is simply too in love with to be able to quit anyway.

Ummm, hooray??

So, rejoice gays! Even, your supposed biggest defender, the President of the United States, Barack Hussein Obama, hates your repulsive, gross gay guts.

So much so that he won't even let you spill yours all over the battlefield because of it!

The Obama administration took legal action Thursday to stop a judge’s order striking down the Pentagon’s “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy prohibiting gays from openly serving in the military — a politically awkward move that effectively continues the Justice Department’s fight to preserve a policy that President Barack Obama has said he wants to dismantle

In its injunction request, the DOJ writes, "As the President has stated previously, the Administration does not support the DADT statute as a matter of policy and strongly supports its repeal. However, the Department of Justice has long followed the practice of defending federal statutes as long as reasonable arguments can be made in support of their constitutionality, even if the Administration disagrees with a particular statute as a policy matter, as it does here."

All the while, White House Press Secretary and discriminatory policy procrastinator extraordinaire Robert Gibbs continued to insist that "don't ask, don't tell" is "going to end" -- it's just a matter of how.

Ooooh, hopefully in the most painfully slow, ass backwards, infuriatingly illogical manner possible. Multiplied by infinity.

So far, so good?

Breaking News: California Strikes Down Gay Marriage Ban, But Still No Gay Fist Pump From Barry!

OMG, breaking news America! California has officially gone gay...again! But this time maybe for reals even...Like by law for reals!

In one fell stroke of the gavel and 136 pages of dead trees, Chief U.S. District Judge Vaughn Walker ruled that California is now a tolerant state, dem crazy Mormons will have to go back to cock blocking salty states with no sex life, and sodomy and sin shall once again reign supreme across the Golden State. Yay!

“Proposition 8 fails to advance any rational basis in singling out gay men and lesbians for denial of a marriage license. Indeed, the evidence shows Proposition 8 does nothing more than enshrine in the California Constitution the notion that opposite-sex couples are superior to same-sex couples.”

Ummm, duh! I mean any dumb kid on the street could tell you gays are weird and gross. And it has nothing to do with rational thought either, silly! It's called the ick factor (which Mike Huckabee would be more than happy to explain). Besides, everyone knows a real, beautiful heterosexual marriage consists of the miserable union between one man and one woman, not the slightly less miserable union of one man and one man, or one woman and one woman, plus the sinister, Godless destruction of morality.

Everyone except Judge Vaughn Walker, I guess:

“Because Proposition 8 disadvantages gays and lesbians without any rational justification, Proposition 8 violates the Equal Protection Clause of the Fourteenth Amendment.”

Oooooh, and to think you were thisclose, Mormons, thisclose from ensuring every last flannel-clad lezzie and Streisand-singing fag in the state o' Californication is banned from the altar unless they curb their wicked ways and take the pure Church of Latter Day Saints (and latent homosexuality) path of boring straight missionary sex directly to righteousness and sexual frustration.

Either way, appeals are expected have already been filed, and should be just as fun as every other time gays are granted rights before the crazy wingnut right starts wailing about Jesus, Sodom & Gomorrah, God's wrath, and moral fiber, and voila! gays are once again demoted to second-class citizens, like God intended. Hooray!

Naturally, President Obama, like the rest of us sinners and hedonists in America, was thrilled and overjoyed to hear that Proposition 8 was overturned, arugula-eating elitist liberal activist judges or not.

Of course, this does not mean Obama supports actual gross, terrible gay marriage, heavens forbid! No, no, he simply supports "equality for gay and lesbian couples, and benefits and other issues, and that has been effectuated in federal agencies under his control," as White House spokesman David Axelrod so eloquently explained.

Ooooh, I get it, now!

So Obama loooooves gay people so much he wants to give them all the rights and privileges as everyone else, except that one tiny little one that includes big fat diamonds (the size of which dependent on how much you're in love), walking down the aisle (no, not a congressional one), saying some mushy words, sharing a kiss, and then getting raging drunk and dancing the night and your life savings away in blurry, holy matrimony. This apparently is not part of the whole equality thing in Obama's mind.

Here's the thing. People who care about gay rights would like the President to condone the fall of civilization and support gay marriage. People who hate dem queers and gay rights would like Obama to be shipped back to his native Kenya, preferably on the flaming wings of all the flamboyant queers currently destroying America with their fashion sense and good hygiene.

Obama simply would like to serve a second term and thus tries to get gay-and-normal-married to both the anti-gay and pro-gay sides, and ends up sleeping with no one, horny and alone, as a result.

Obama thought Proposition 8 was bad because it was “divisive and mean spirited,” so apparently it is wrong to deny gay people the right to (gay)marry, but it is also wrong to give gay people the right to (gay)marry.

Huh?

Let's see if I've got this straight (and I don't mean the good sexuality!):

"The president does oppose same-sex marriage but he supports equality for gay and lesbian couples."

Oh, you mean kinda like how the Teabaggers aren't terrible racists who hate black people or anything, they just don't want them running their country or marrying their sisters.

Ummmm, sorry Mr. President, but you can't have your cake and eat it too. 49th birthday or not, God damn it!

But on the bright side, now all of those tea birther klansmen (in his base) are totally going to vote for him in 2012, instead of plot his assassination/dismembering in front of a (gay) book burning bonfire.

A plan so mind-blowingly brilliant, no one can even wrap their heads around it.

Least of all his voters.

Come Out, Come Out Wherever You Are...To Tempt Right Wing Republicans & Destroy America With Toxic Gay Blood!

On this darkest of days when freedom died all because evil, liberal lawmakers threatening to repeal Don't Ask Don't Tell went ahead and did just that, voting 16-12 to let deviant homosexuals come ever closer to openly serving as an out 'n proud queer in the United States military, A Few Good Men are bravely standing up to this most terrifying threat to humanity since that gay Teletubby Tinky Winky tried to turn America's children into raging mini Eltons and Ellens.

A Few Good (straight, Christian) Men like the patriots and prophets comprising the not-at-all-tainted Family Research Council, now that George Rekers (who?) is persona non grata for hiring persona non straighta for an all-expense paid 10-day European sexcation.

So, now that all that's behind them (ha ha behind!), and the Family Research Council is once again seen as morally superior, mentally stable, strapping pillars of heterosexuality with nothing to hide, listen up America, and heed their warning!

For if thee liberals and socialists cast their vile DEMONcratic will upon the good, decent American people by repealing Don't Ask Don't Tell, the last remaining defense against the terrible temptation scourge of homosinuality will be felled, and America will suddenly be left to its own sexually confused devices, with nary a closeted right-wing minister to guide them!

And then who knows what kind of fiendish, depraved, cesspool of sin will become of the United States Armed Forces, once the DADT sacred seal of sexual purity is lifted?

Straight, petrified soldiers, sailors, airmen, and marines getting fellated in their sleep, forcibly against their will. Terrified commanders too scared of being labeled homophobes to do anything about Sergeant Stripes gettin' grabbed, groped, or even Tickle-Me-Eric'd while stationed in some abandoned desert outpost in the middle of Afghanistan.

Pretty soon, the entire U.S. Army will be teeming with rainbow-colored gays, since all the straights will have already quit, out of fear of catching the dreaded gay virus of fabulousness and fashion sense rampaging through the barracks.

Well, the concerned, God-fearing minds on the Family Research Council and fellow freak fringe group America's Survival are not about to sit back (like a bunch of sissy fags) and let the liberal/homosexual cabal turn their precious U.S. military into a "terrifying free-rape zone" where "disease-tainted gay blood" courses through the ranks, threatening the very one woman+one man heterosexual fabric this nation was founded upon!

Sure, their "Asking For Trouble" video warning against the hideous blight of homosexuality may have been removed from YouTube and every other major, (liberal-run) media outlet because its insane, viciously homophobic perpetuation of stereotypes, myths, and lies demonizing gays has no basis in science or reality, but that's never stopped 'em before!

Who needs science when you've got scripture or facts when you've got faith??

Everyone knows that repealing DADT will lead to “transgendered individuals who want to dress up as members of the opposite sex and would cry ‘discrimination’ if they are not allowed to do so.”

Which may be slightly difficult considering both genders wear identical uniforms, but hey a person can dream, right?

"We are today releasing an analysis of publicly available documents which show that homosexuals in the military are three times more likely to commit sexual assaults than heterosexuals are relative to their numbers," FRC Senior Fellow for Policy Studies Peter Sprigg said, based on his very scientific "analysis" of pulling things out of his ass. "We believe this problem would only increase if the current law against homosexuality...were to be repealed."

"Taken together, these figures suggest that homosexuals in the military are about 3x as likely to commit sexual assaults as heterosexuals are." Especially the "most common type of homosexual assault in which the offender fondles or performs oral sex on a sleeping victim."

Oooh, like Rip Van Twinkle?

"If open homosexuality was permitted in the military, these numbers can only increase," Sprigg said. "The number of homosexuals would grow, the threat of discharge for homosexual behavior would be eliminated and protected class status for homosexuals would make victims hesitant to report assaults and make commanders hesitant to punish them for fear of appearing homophobic."

The next thing you know, straight soldiers will be tied, bound, and beaten to a bloody pulp all because they have the good, moral, kind of sex (missionary only!), not the going-straight-to-hell Adam and Steve kind.

"In a number of these cases the victim was sleeping or intoxicated," Sprigg said.

"Under those circumstances, their memory may be clouded and so the evidence may not be strong enough to stand up in a court-martial and actually prove guilt on a charge of forcible sodomy for example. Nevertheless, something inappropriate may have happened...and the victim will think twice about coming forth."

Think twice??? More like two thousand times!

Because then people might think he too is a terrible gay (gasp!), and nothing is worse than that, not even nightly anal rapings by his bunkmate to keep it that way!

Good thing retired Col. Dick Black, who served in the Pentagon during the creation of DADT in 1993, understands these sorts of things.

"We faced this when we started tightening up on rape," Black said. "Women were intimidated about coming forward -- they'd be called sluts or you know they hung out in bars or whatever."

"When it comes to homosexual assaults, if the perpetrator is allowed to serve openly, it will be the straight men who find themselves facing embarrassing questions about what they were wearing the night they were attacked," Black said.

OMG! Then men would be the stupid whores who "asked for it," instead of women, and everything would be upside-down, and life as we know it would be forever destroyed.

See, things were much better when everyone was allowed to rape who they wanted, and no one made a big fuss about it! Women wouldn't have to be embarrassed by testifying against their accuser, and run the risk of being labeled "loose" and men could continue having their forcible way with the hot li'l numbers begging for it by dressing all sexy-like in mini-skirts and stiletto heels.

"I think we're going to see the opposite direction when it comes to homosexual assaults," he said. "You've got typically a one-on-one situation and there would be tremendous political pressure placed on the victims to remain silent. It will be very similar to the situation we had with women 50 years ago when they were reluctant to come forward and report rape because they would be mislabeled."

And that was just slutty women! Who cares about those tramps anyway? But, imagine the stigma if a strapping young manly man had to step forward and accuse a fellow male soldier of giving him the business (while he slept like a li'l angel) after a drunken night at the mess hall? Just think of all the pain and suffering he would go through once people found out about his late-night male bonding bondage sessions and started calling him a gross gay?? It's simply outrageous! Is there any worse fate?

Other than being an uncloseted homo, of course!

Well, that, or a Republican. But then again, aren't they pretty much the same thing?

Minus that one tiny "closet" detail, that is!

When Not Bashing Gays, California Republican Roy Ashburn Spends His Time Being Gay At Gay Bars

Surprise!

California State Sen. Roy Ashburn, a vehemently anti-gay, family values Republican father of four, who's voted against every gay rights measure in the State Senate since taking office, including recognizing out-of-state same-sex marriages, Harvey Milk Day and expanding anti-discrimination laws (ya know, for the children!), has a dirty little secret of his own: he's a terrible gay too!

Yes, the same esteemed state senator from Southern California, who in 2005 spearheaded an anti-gay marriage rally to protect "the future of our children," was arrested on Wednesday for allegedly driving drunk after leaving Faces, a totally gay nightclub in Sacramento.

Ummm, ooops?

Of course, prior to his DUI arrest while chasing hot man-tail, Ashburn is perhaps best remembered for being a fearless, dedicated opponent of the Godless gays and the abomination known as same-sex marriage.

"Our friends and neighbors in our community are restating the obvious -- that the institute of marriage is fundamental to our society," Ashburn told the crowd. "Marriage between one man and one woman is fundamental to civilization."

"We need to preserve traditional values for the future of our children. Children must be raised with morals and principles. As a society, we must provide them with a secured and loving environment that allows them to flourish."

In secret. Hopefully, while wasted and operating a motor vehicle en route to a seedy motel with the hot piece of man muscle you just snagged, who, if all goes well, you will soon be railing and banging and slamming and drawing rainbows all over before returning home to your loving wife and children, who you care deeply about, especially when deep inside another man.

According to the report:

The California Highway Patrol pulled over Republican State Sen. Roy Ashburn at 2:00 a.m. Wednesday after an officer noticed a black Chevy Tahoe swerving at 13th and L Streets.

When the officer stopped the state-issued vehicle, the driver identified himself as Senator Ashburn. He was arrested without incident and charged with two misdemeanors: driving under the influence and driving with a blood alcohol level higher than .08% or higher.

A male passenger, who was not identified as a lawmaker, was also in the car but was not detained.

After being booked into the Sacramento County Jail and released on $1,400 bond, Ashburn issued the following statement:

"I am deeply sorry for my actions and offer no excuse for my poor judgment. I accept complete responsibility for my conduct and am prepared to accept the consequences for what I did. I am also truly sorry for the impact this incident will have on those who support and trust me – my family, my constituents, my friends, and my colleagues in the Senate."

And also, I am not gay nor have I ever been gay.

Of course, not everyone's buying the whole "Wide Stance" claim (except maybe Larry Craig), including out 'n proud mayor of West Sacramento, Christopher Cabaldon, who called out Ashburn in a Facebook posting about six months ago, and says he's spotted gay-bashing, closeted man lover Sen. Roy Ashburn at gay clubs numerous times over the years.

Upon hearing news of Ashburn's arrest, Mayor Christopher Cabaldon said, "To live a secret life and at the same time be attacking exactly the people who you're one of -- but that you're too ashamed to admit -- that's the hypocrisy that I think for folks, whether you're gay or not, is just unacceptable in politics."

Don't be silly, Mayor! Hypocrisy is the lifeblood of politics. Gay, on the other hand, is the deathblow.

Whoa, Whoa, settle down, Roy! No need to get all excited, I didn't mean that kind of blow. Get your head out of the gutter! Sicko.

Congrats, Gays! Now Slightly Less Than Half Of America Believes You're Going To Hell

Wow, America you should be swelling with pride. And by pride, I naturally mean the flamboyant, rainbowy gay kind.

That's because for the first time in the history of mankind and/or public opinion polls, less Americans think homosexuality is a morally repugnant abomination against the Lord than do. And it only took 238 years to get Jesus out of America's collective bedroom! Woohoo!

You see, for more than 30 years, a majority of respondents to the CNN/Time poll have said that a "homosexual relationship between consenting adults is morally wrong," while a minority have said homosexuality is "not a moral issue," proudly linking gays and eternal hellfire since 1978!

That is, until Presidents Day Weekend 2010, when for the first time ever, 50% of respondents said homosexuality is not a moral issue, and only 48% said that it was morally wrong. A small, two percent step for man, a giant leap for mankind's dependence on thousands-of-years-old scripture to determine the kinds of love God permits (one man, one woman) and the kinds that bring fire, brimstone and salt pillar wives (homosexuality).

Not surprisingly, the number of respondents calling homosexuality morally wrong has fluctuated since the 1978 poll, depending on a number of factors, namely which of God's chosen messengers on Earth is occupying the White House and/or if gays are being strung up on fences and left to die on the side of the road in the middle of bumblef**k Wyoming.

Back in '78, 53% of respondents said it was immoral to be in a gay or lesbian relationship, while in 2001, that number rose to 55%, likely thanks to George W. Bush's return to good, old fashioned American values like preemptive wars, torture, tax breaks for oil companies, Wall Street, big-time campaign contributors, and attributing 9/11 to God's wrath against the usual trifecta of sin: gays, Jews, and abortionists.

Other significant changes in attitude towards homosexuals in America include the very scary, life changing question of whether gay and lesbians should be free to be their fabulous selves when defending the very freedom they are currently denied themselves.

A whopping 69 percent, the highest number of supporters ever recorded for that question by far, said they favor allowing gays and lesbians the chance to leave the closet while fighting and perhaps dying as out 'n proud members of the U.S. armed forces.

Figures they would choose the one perverted, sexually deviant number when destroying the moral fabric of American society as we know it.

But, not all military brass are behind repealing the very sensible Don't Ask, Don't Tell Policy prohibiting the ghastly gays from parading around the barracks in nothing but tighty whiteys and sunglasses a la Tom Cruise's Risky Business performance.

"I do have serious concerns about the impact of repeal of the law on a force that is fully engaged in two wars and has been at war for eight and a half years. We just don't know the impacts on readiness and military effectiveness," Gen. George Casey, the Army chief of staff explained to the Senate Armed Services Committee.

Yet, despite two old white men's homophobia and hesitation to embrace change, Joint Chiefs Chairman Adm. Mike Mullen has not budged on his opinion that the 17-year-old DADT policy is legally unconstitutional and morally reprehensible.

"No matter how I look at this issue, I cannot escape being troubled by the fact that we have in place a policy which forces young men and women to lie about who they are in order to defend their fellow citizens," he said. "For me, personally, it comes down to integrity, theirs as individuals and ours as an institution."

So true! I mean imagine what the convicted rapists, armed robbers, and other violent offenders comprising our ranks would think if suddenly every Arabic-speaking queer with essential linguistic skills but no criminal record was suddenly allowed to shimmy shake right into their ranks?

What would that say to our highly impressionable troops?

I, for one, do not want to see the day when it's okay to be gay but shameful to have served 5-10 hard years for battering your ex-girlfriend with a sledgehammer.

Priorities people!

Sorry Gays, Virginia Is For Lovers, Not Sinners!

Renowned lover of Jesus and keeping women out of the workplace and in the kitchen where they belong, Virginia Governor Robert "Bob" McDonnell has decided to continue Christ's gospel of love, compassion, and equality by removing discrimination protections for gay and lesbian state workers in Virginia, apparently the state for deity-approved lovers only.

Rescinding the previous rainbow-tinted Democratic Gov. Tim Kaine's 'fair and inclusive' non-discrimination policy, which had been in place for four long, homo-lovin' years, Republican Bob McDonnell's new, slightly tweaked executive order prohibits discrimination "on the basis of race, sex, color, national origin, religion, age, political affiliation, or against otherwise qualified persons with disabilities, including veterans."

(Not so) subtly omitted from his list of prohibited discrimination practices is, of course, sexual orientation, because gays and lesbians are so universally beloved and revered, they don't need any extra protections in place. Especially in such an enlightened and progressive place as Republican-controlled Virginia.

Besides, a measure protecting gay and lesbian state workers from discrimination already passed the Democratic-controlled state Senate. Sure, it's all-but-certain to fail in the Republican-controlled House, but seriously how far do we need to go to accommodate these people? What makes them so God damn special? Next thing you know they'll be demanding to be treated like everyone else or something ridiculous like that.

All McDonnell's trying to do is keep the playing field evenly balanced. You know how rough life can be for heterosexuals in general, let alone in the former capital of the confederacy. No need to give those homos any more of an upper hand than they already have.

Not surprisingly, there are some people, namely the gays and those pesky liberal equality freaks, who are not at all pleased with McDonnell's decision to rollback gay rights as casually as Wal-mart rolls back prices.

Gay rights groups panned McDonnell's decision, calling the move a "sad" development that strips state workers of protections that they had under the last administration. Boohoo!

Former governor Tim Kaine's spokesman Hari Sevugan said McDonnell should be "ashamed" for the new policy, blasting the governor for pandering to the radical right's fear-mongering, hysteria, and demonization of homosexuality for their own political gain.

It says a lot about the Republican party that they would anoint as their 'rising star' someone who in 2010 is actually stripping away from Americans legal protections against discrimination. Bob McDonnell is proving his critics right. He said he'd focus on creating jobs, not social issues. But, one of his first acts as Governor was to make it easier for a fellow citizen to be denied a job and he did so as an adherent to a right-wing ideology that allows for such discriminatory behavior. McDonnell's decision is just plain wrong in any context, but especially so in this economic climate.

Whatever do you mean?

Gays and lesbians are already thisclose to taking over our Armed Forces, threatening the cohesion of our troops with their deviant lifestyles, freshly pressed uniforms and love of ensemble musicals.

The last thing the state of Virginia needs in these tough times is a bunch of fabulously dressed, half-naked homos sashaying through the streets of downtown Richmond atop bright, rainbow-colored pride floats blaring disco music and Barbara Streisand, as if the end of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" means the start of "Please Share, We Want To Know."

This is 2010 Virginia, God damn it, and Bob McDonnell intends to keep it that way!

You want Gomorrah 3123 B.C.? Head 345.9 miles northeast and follow the signs to New York City.

Hey Kids, It's Gay Sex Time With New Hampshire State Rep. Nancy Elliott

America deserves to know a thing or two about the shining pillars of enlightenment handpicked by the people to speak on their behalf as their esteemed elected state representative.

Ladies and gents, without further ado, I give to you dedicated advocate of justice and freedom, New Hampshire's very own lovely State Representative Nancy Elliott.

Here, this fearless champion of equality discusses HB 1590, eloquently laying out her arguments to repeal the ghastly same-sex bill that just slutted its way through the New Hampshire state legislature.

And for a woman who doesn't seem to be overindulging in the sex department, she sure has a dirty mind!

"We're talking about taking the penis of one man and putting it in the rectum of another man and wiggling it around in excrement. And you have to think, I'm not sure, would I allow that to be done to me?"

"Would you let that happen to you? Is that normal? Is that something we want to portray as the same as the one flesh union between a man and a woman?"

Heavens no! Certainly not! The one flesh union of one man's hot throbbing love muscle thrusting in and out of one woman's slippery, juicy honey pie (as God intended) could never be the same as two men poking their swords in and around each others' genitals in some sick, twisted, unholy union of sin. Never, you hear!

Because this is what gay marriage is truly about people! Not love. Not equality. Not the freedom to choose who you marry, raise children or share your life with, but simple penis-vagina ratios.

Never mind that silly "union" nonsense. Everyone knows it's not who you love but where you "wiggle" your genitals that really matters!

Sorry, Mr. Elliot. Looks like the Valentine's Day surprise you were hoping for ain't happening this year. Or at least not from the wifey.

Good thing your secretary Kitty's idea of love is letting you 'wiggle' it wherever you want, even dirty "gay" places. Gasp!

Just like a modern-day Adam and Eve. Except in this fairy tale, substitute the Garden of Eden for the Royal Garden Motel.

Be All That You Can Be When Forced To Be Someone You're Not

So what can we infer from this latest poll of braindead America other than the collective IQ of our fellow countrymen hovers somewhere between Forrest Gump and Joey Tribbiani? And that's being generous!

Well things are certainly much clearer now that we know America is all for letting plain ol' gays and lesbians serve in the military, as long as the dreaded homosexuals understand being 'all you can be' doesn't extend to their kind.

Heavens no!

Sure, a gay there, a lesbo there, everyone's happy and all is well in the world. No harm, no foul etc, etc. But throw a homo into the camouflaged mix and who knows what crazy rainbow-tinged mayhem might ensue?

The last thing America's armed servicemen and women need is an environment where those who are different are accepted, not bound, gagged and beaten to smithereens in a corner for being that one fag whose partner shares the same reproductive parts they do. Sickos!

Before you know it, you've got soldiers being honest, even tolerating (gasp!) the very same people entrusted with their lives.

So, after years of ignoring Don't Ask, Don't Tell until suddenly realizing there's no one left to translate Arabic, the military, at the behest of Barack Obama, has finally decided to repeal the sensible, decades-long policy that ranks rapists, drug addicts, and violent offenders well ahead of the dreaded sickness of fashion sense and fabulousness.

Which probably explains why, much like Barry, even the regular folk have suddenly taken a liking to those shiny happy people who were put on this planet solely for the constant amusement, and of course judgment, by their fellow citizens of humanity. And it only took 17 years!

In fact, a whopping 70% of Americans now say they support "gay men and lesbians" serving in the military, while just 59% feel the same way about the miserable "homosexuals."

Which can likely only be explained by people seeing the words lesbians and thinking "Whoa, hot girl on girl action?? Sweet, sign me up!"

Naturally, homosexuals fare worse than gays and lesbians in any scenario, but it's also the whole "openly" idea that makes people nervous. In the case of to closet or not to closet, just 44% favor allowing "homosexuals" to leave the dank, damp storage room that is their lives to serve openly in the military, while 58% favor allowing "gay men and lesbians" to loudly and proudly sacrifice their lives for country.

The last thing we need are a bunch of Ellens and Eltons bursting out of Army closets across the land, wearing their gay and lesbianess on their sleeves for all the world to see. What are we European or something? Ugh.

Why can't they just be ashamed of their sexuality like a normal person and go to any and all lengths to keep their dirty little secret to themselves?

What we need are more heterosexual heroes who aren't afraid to call out homosinuality as a pox on Earth, a blight upon humanity, an act as depraved and immoral as Judas himself.

Decent, god-fearing people like Larry Craig, Mark Foley, Charlie Crist, and Ted Haggard, who at least have the common courtesy to pretend they're straight, when not secretly cruising airport men's rooms, the ripe, supple Senate page program, highway rest stops, abandoned church parking lots, rat-infested warehouses, dark, garbage-strewn alleys, drug-fueled street corners, and the seedy prostitution ring behind the old, deserted Christian community center and bible studies class.

It's called tact.

New Jersey Just Says No to Gays, Yes to Purple Haze

Ay, New Jersey, you make us so proud (not the queer kind obvs!). It's always nice to see the land that originated electric-beach bronzed men with greasy hair and muscles bulging from skin-tight wife-beaters is keeping its priorities "straight."

Priorities like keeping those pesky hetero wannabees away from the alter and the sweet ganja a comin' in the ol' Garden State of opposite sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll.

You see, here in New Jersey, life is more than just Tony Soprano and the class and glamor that is Jersey Shore. In fact, the fine folks of Jersey believe some things in life are sacred. Like the government telling you who you can (straights) and can't marry (gays) and what kind of plants you can (weed) or can't smoke (opium).

Because New Jersey understands a few things when it comes to human decency and compassion. Like how it's only okay to discriminate against people for being gay, not for being sick.

Which is why the fine lawmakers in the Garden State have decided to protect the sanctity of marriage by prohibiting those ghastly gays from having any part in the blessed union of one piece of Jersey trash to another opposite sex piece of Jersey trash like God intended. Bada-bing!

But if you're chronically ill (ha ha chronic), you can take a puff puff of the sweet sticky icky without feeling like a no-good dirty criminal thanks to the New Jersey Legislature's measure to legalize the use of marijuana to help patients with severe illnesses like cancer, AIDS, Lou Gehrig’s disease, muscular dystrophy and multiple sclerosis.

"I'm in heaven," Nancy Fedder, a 62-year-old multiple sclerosis sufferer, said after the Senate vote. "It means I am no longer a criminal in the state of New Jersey."

Just don't do anything crazy like trying to marry Barbara, or it's back to the parole board for you Nancy!

Democratic Assemblyman Reed Gusciora, a co-sponsor of the bill who pushed for it for years, said medical marijuana can alleviate suffering and there's no evidence it increases overall drug use.

"I don't think we should make criminals out of our very sick and terminally ill," he said.

That's reserved for homos, thank you very much.

"It’s nice to finally see a day when democracy helps heal people," said Charles Kwiatkowski, 38, one of dozens of patients who rallied at the State House in support of the measure. "The M.S. Society has shown that this drug will help slow the progression of my disease. Why would I want to use anything else?"

I don't know, maybe 'cause you're gay?

"I truly believe this will become a model for other states because it balances the compassionate use of medical marijuana while limiting the number of ailments that a physician can prescribe it for," Mr. Gusciora said.

Sorry, as of now, being gay does not qualify as a disease. But rest assured, they're working on it!

Scott Ward, 26, who suffers from multiple sclerosis, said he had been prescribed marijuana to alleviate leg cramps so severe that they often felt "like my muscles are tearing apart."

"Now, I can do normal things like take a walk and walk the dog.” Not freak things like gay marry the person you love. Fuggedaboutit!

What are you high or something??

Change He/She Can Believe in: Obama Appoints Transgender Woman to Commerce

Ummm, yay?

Sometimes friend of the gays President Barack Obama recently named Amanda Simpson to be a Senior Technical Adviser to the Commerce Department. Weird thing is Amanda over here used to be a test pilot named Mitchell Simpson.

"I'm truly honored to have received this appointment and am eager and excited about this opportunity that is before me," Simpson, a member of the National Center for Transgender Equality's board of directors, said in a statement. "As one of the first transgender presidential appointees to the federal government, I hope that I will soon be one of hundreds, and that this appointment opens future opportunities for many others."

Whoa, slow down tiger! Let's not get ahead of ourselves here.

But I guess Obama wasn't kidding when he said his approach to delicate GLBT issues would be a transitional one.

Much Like Crack-Smoking Mayors, DC Decides Gay Marriage is A-Ok!

Sick and tired of getting screwed out of representation in Congress, the District of Columbia decided to stick it to the man the only way they know how: letting the gays get married. Yay!

The bill, approved 11-2 in the D.C. City Council, will now head (ha ha head) to Democratic Mayor Adrian M. Fenty who is expected to sign the legislation and basically destroy the sanctity of opposite sex marriage in the United States, in all its one man plus one woman plus ten Vegas showgirls and one Elvis Presley impersonator glory.

Barring any sudden appearances by the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse or surprise moves by the Democratic-controlled House and Senate or President Obama to block the legislation within 30 legislative days, the homo bill will become hetero law this spring. Ooooh, just in time for the Azalea blossom!

But before you get too excited over Adam and Steve's deviant plot to destroy America by promising to love each other 'til death do them part, fear not because I'm basically positive that one crazy congressman or another will make a furious attempt to thwart this wicked gay agenda in an attempt to score some brownie points with the enlightened folks who hold the key to their re-election back in the muddy swamplands they call home.

Like council member and former DC Mayor Marion Barry (D-Ward 8) who during the debate, said he could not support the bill, but acknowledged the legislative body was making history.

"This must be a proud day for you David, Mr. Graham," Barry said, referring to the two openly gay council members, Jim Graham and David A. Catania.

"Just as it was a proud day for me when the voting rights bill was passed in 1965, the onetime civil rights leader explained. "But this is a democracy and I reserve the right to disagree."

So while Mr. Marion Barry certainly understands the struggles of an oppressed minority, he simply CANNOT support equal rights for this particular oppressed minority.

Don't blame him. Blame his morals!

Nothing against the gays or anything, it's just his strong moral values cannot be reconciled with allowing two people with the same reproductive organs to come together in such unholy matrimony.

Now if you'll excuse Mr. Marion Barry Jesus of Nazareth, he has some crack to smoke, taxes to evade, and ex-girlfriends to stalk.

None of which is his fault either, he'll have you know. Everyone knows the damn "bitch set him up!"

Hmmm, sounds like something a lesbian might do.

Don't Give, Don't Get: The Gays Refuse To Be Obama's Silent ATM Any Longer

Oh those pesky, impossible-to-satisfy gays! Give 'em an inch and the next thing you know, they want a mile.

Despite President Obama's best attempts to placate the gays with hilarious Lady Gaga jokes and empty promises of his "unwavering commitment," the queer community is done giving Obama any more undeserved rainbow-colored feathers in his cap until he actually accomplishes something and starts taking their needs seriously. Aside from always putting their best fashion-foot forward, not wearing white after labor day and never mixing patterns of course. Stripes and polka dots = major no-no.

Frustration has been brewing among these forsaken Democrats over the Obama administration's unwillingness to make the struggle for gay rights a first-year priority, or in some cases, to even acknowledge that pink people exist, outside of fancy fund-raising dinners that is.

So these feisty queers have finally decided to hit Obama where it hurts: (get your mind out of the gutter people!) his wallet, in the hopes that when it comes to changing hearts and minds, green is a more effective argument than the constitution or silly indivisible truths like liberty and justice for all.

Gay and lesbian activists and other rabble rousers like Americablog's John Aravosis and Joe Sudbay have announced that they're organizing a temporary donor boycott of the Democratic National Committee--and financial support for Democrats more broadly--until the administration starts to treat them as more than invisible (albeit well-dressed) piggy banks who should be grateful that someone's still willing to accept their sinful money.

"This campaign is temporary, and is only meant to help some friends - President Obama and the Democratic party - who have lost their way. Candidate Obama promised during the campaign to be the gay community’s 'fierce advocate.' He and the Democratic party have not kept their promise."

"Until the Democratic Congress passes, and President Obama signs, legislation enacting Employment Non-Discrimination Act (ENDA), repealing Don’t Ask Don’t Tell (DADT), and repealing Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA)--all of which he repeatedly promised to do if elected--we ask you to join us in pledging to postpone contributions to the Democratic National Committee, Organizing for America, and the Obama campaign."

You hear that Obama? The gays are onto your tricks. No more broken vows, glamorous celeb-filled soirees, or "wait-and-see" approach to handling the delicate subject of denying one group of people the same rights and privileges even the God damn teabaggers enjoy.

Until you're ready to put their money where your mouth is, you can just take your adorable smile and fancy words and waltz your charming self right out the door, mister!

Wow. Feels good to throw someone else out of the closet for a change!

Psyche! Maine Voters Decide Not To Give The Gays Equal Rights After All

Maine voters came thisclose to becoming the first electorate in any state to say sure, why the hell not let the gays marry like the rest of us one man plus one woman miseries before deciding eh, on second thought, they'd rather keep that hetero perk all to their newly puritan selves.

After all, this is Maine, people--not some Kumbaya-chanting hippie commune like Iowa.

Besides, with Sen. Olympia Snowe already crossing the aisle as the sole Republican to support health care reform, Maine's trailblazer reputation is already secured, so there's no need to get all wild 'n crazy and start actually treating the gays like real citizens who are afforded the same constitutional protections as everyone else. We're not trying to ruffle any feathers here! That's part of what makes Maine, well Maine.

If being ordinary and unexciting wasn't a part of its history, how else could this proud, 40th most populous state of 1,316,456 be home to the thriving Northeast metropolis known as Portland–South Portland–Biddeford?

Although, gay marriage has now lost in every single state in which civil rights are left up to the voters for a positively St. Louis Rams/Detroit Lions-like record of 0-31, gay rights activists and the handful of hetero Americans who thought the whole 'separate but equal' issue was settled with the Supreme Court's unanimous 1954 landmark Brown v. Board of Education ruling striking down segregation as unconstitutional under the Equal Protection Clause of the Fourteenth Amendment, were disappointed to learn that (much like California) the same standards of jurisprudence simply don't apply to queers in Maine either.

Turns out that even Maine's independent streak and irrepressible Yankee spirit of fairness and individuality wasn't enough to stop the hate juggernaut or the indisputable fact that when marriage equality is decided by voters, Jesus tends to trump justice.

I mean if gay marriage cannot win in the original bastion of same-sex sin California, was it ever realistic to expect a rainbow-colored welcome banner in Maine, with or without the Mormon-led cruasde against the scourge of Homosinuality.

As long as America allows civil rights to be decided by voters at the ballot box instead of as a Federal constitutional matter before the U.S. Supreme Court, true equality and freedom--like the founding fathers intended--will never be realized.

Think about it, if we treated blacks like we treat the gays, half the South would still be hosing down black kids trying to go to school, ride the bus, or God forbid, drink from a (whites-only) fountain.

But I guess we could always compromise and enact something like Don't Ask, Don't Tell. We can all just run around with paper bags over our heads and Hazmat suits on our bodies so nobody knows anything about anybody. That way, who's black, white or sparkly-rainbow colored would all remain hidden under a common cloak of freedom.

Just like the good old days!

Read more at: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/11/03/maine-gay-marriage-vote-e_n_344688.html

Ken Cuccinelli's Virginia Is For Straight Lovers & Lovers Of Animals

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Obama Looks To Congress To Help The Gays "Ask And Tell"

President Barack Obama may be down with the gays (in that he doesn't want to ship 'em off to a remote island), but some members of the rainbow mafia aren't satisfied. I guess all of New England just isn't good enough for some people!

Those greedy gays just won't leave Barry alone now that he rules the world. They think it's time for Obama to start honoring his promise only to forsake them until the election was over and he could assume his rightful place in the Oval Office. Then, with a graceful waive of his magic fairy wand, he could give finally give the queers those damn equal rights they keep bitching about.

But, suddenly Mr. hot shot Obama forgot about his gay and lesbian friends. It's not that he doesn't think they deserve the right to die for the country that refuses them the same constitutional rights as everyone else, it's just that he doesn't plan to intervene personally to stop the ongoing expulsion of homos from the military.

While the president certainly wants to do away with the hateful and unjust "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy, White House spokesman Robert Gibbs says critics must understand that a repeal requires "more than snapping one's fingers."

A policy such as this requires a "durable legislative solution," but rest assured Obama is busy working with lawmakers to do away with this abominable policy once and for all.

But, in the meantime, pipe down, take your dishonorable discharge like the man, woman, or tranny that you are, and while we're on it, would it really kill you to tone down the whole "gay thing" for once in your wretched life?

Remember people, the goal isn't to make you more comfortable with them, it's to make them less uncomfortable with you!