New Jersey Just Says No to Gays, Yes to Purple Haze

Ay, New Jersey, you make us so proud (not the queer kind obvs!). It's always nice to see the land that originated electric-beach bronzed men with greasy hair and muscles bulging from skin-tight wife-beaters is keeping its priorities "straight."

Priorities like keeping those pesky hetero wannabees away from the alter and the sweet ganja a comin' in the ol' Garden State of opposite sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll.

You see, here in New Jersey, life is more than just Tony Soprano and the class and glamor that is Jersey Shore. In fact, the fine folks of Jersey believe some things in life are sacred. Like the government telling you who you can (straights) and can't marry (gays) and what kind of plants you can (weed) or can't smoke (opium).

Because New Jersey understands a few things when it comes to human decency and compassion. Like how it's only okay to discriminate against people for being gay, not for being sick.

Which is why the fine lawmakers in the Garden State have decided to protect the sanctity of marriage by prohibiting those ghastly gays from having any part in the blessed union of one piece of Jersey trash to another opposite sex piece of Jersey trash like God intended. Bada-bing!

But if you're chronically ill (ha ha chronic), you can take a puff puff of the sweet sticky icky without feeling like a no-good dirty criminal thanks to the New Jersey Legislature's measure to legalize the use of marijuana to help patients with severe illnesses like cancer, AIDS, Lou Gehrig’s disease, muscular dystrophy and multiple sclerosis.

"I'm in heaven," Nancy Fedder, a 62-year-old multiple sclerosis sufferer, said after the Senate vote. "It means I am no longer a criminal in the state of New Jersey."

Just don't do anything crazy like trying to marry Barbara, or it's back to the parole board for you Nancy!

Democratic Assemblyman Reed Gusciora, a co-sponsor of the bill who pushed for it for years, said medical marijuana can alleviate suffering and there's no evidence it increases overall drug use.

"I don't think we should make criminals out of our very sick and terminally ill," he said.

That's reserved for homos, thank you very much.

"It’s nice to finally see a day when democracy helps heal people," said Charles Kwiatkowski, 38, one of dozens of patients who rallied at the State House in support of the measure. "The M.S. Society has shown that this drug will help slow the progression of my disease. Why would I want to use anything else?"

I don't know, maybe 'cause you're gay?

"I truly believe this will become a model for other states because it balances the compassionate use of medical marijuana while limiting the number of ailments that a physician can prescribe it for," Mr. Gusciora said.

Sorry, as of now, being gay does not qualify as a disease. But rest assured, they're working on it!

Scott Ward, 26, who suffers from multiple sclerosis, said he had been prescribed marijuana to alleviate leg cramps so severe that they often felt "like my muscles are tearing apart."

"Now, I can do normal things like take a walk and walk the dog.” Not freak things like gay marry the person you love. Fuggedaboutit!

What are you high or something??

Game Change: The E! True Hollywood Story of the Election That Rocked the World

"This shit would be really interesting if we weren't in the middle of it."
—Barack Obama, September 2008

Ooooh, this is juicy!

The hottest book since Sarah Palin's magnum opus Going Rogue delighted an entire nation, Game Change from veteran reporters John Heilemann and Mark Halperin, has once again electrified the public. Err, that is, if you consider lonely bloggers and lame policy wonks members of the "public."

But then again, who doesn't enjoy seeing seemingly normal, respectable people act like one of the demented idiots from a bad episode of Jersey Shore?

For all those who simply haven't had enough of last year's elections (get a life?), Game Change offers readers an insider's look into what really went down during 2008's historic presidential campaign, with all the fun-filled, shameful moments you've come to expect from your elected officials.

As an extra bonus to you, the lovely readers, included in this rare, behind-the-scenes gem is primo dirt on all the fan favorites from last year's campaign, such as Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Hillary Clinton and everyone's favorite philanderin' spouse Bill, the somewhat less popular sexual miscreant, fallen southern gentleman John Edwards, his lovely "wife" Elizabeth, plus all the bizarre John McCain/Sarah Palin freakshow drama you can stomach. And then some!

But let's start at the top, with the main man himself, the star of last year's show, President Barack Obama. Certainly the savvy reporters behind Game Change must have found something weird, true and freaky related to our beloved Barry.

Turns out they did. His name is Joe Biden.

Yep, much like the man's uncanny ability to put his foot in his mouth, Joe Biden's relationship with Obama wasn't exactly rainbows and sunshine. Rather, the relationship was what insiders would describe as a less-is-more approach. As in, the less Barry had to do with the man, the better for everyone.

According to the book, the tensions began in September of 2008 when word got back to Obama’s campaign headquarters that Biden boasted to reporters on his campaign plane that he was more qualified than his running mate to be president.

"A chill set in between Chicago and the Biden plane," Halperin and Heilemann write. "Joe and Obama barely spoke by phone, rarely campaigned together.”

Aides not only kept Biden off internal conference calls but refused to even tell him they existed. Instead, a separate campaign call was regularly scheduled between the then-Delaware senator and two of Obama’s top campaign aides – "so that they could keep a tight rein on him."

Not helping matters was the fact that Obama's VP selection seemed to develop an acute case of Tourette's Syndrome every time the cameras rolled, in that whatever words came out of his mouth did not always match whatever thoughts were going through the ol' brain of his.

After weeks of one gaffe-filled statement after another, Obama finally had enough of his straight talkin' pal after his now infamous prediction that an Obama victory would all but guarantee an international crisis of apocalyptic proportions.

Fed up with the trainwreck that was his running mate Joe Biden, Obama finally lost his trademark cool (well after the rest of us less self-controlled hotheads would) and went off on his advisers during a conference call.

"How many times is Biden gonna say something stupid?" he demanded angrily before taking a few deep breaths, some drags on a ciggy and once again composing himself with the sweet reassurance that no matter what sh*t may be going down with his running mate, it couldn't be any worse than the black plague McCain unleashed upon the world.

Ah yes, even Joe Biden's big mouth was no match for Sarah Palin's small, possibly unstable brain.

Too bad John McCain was too busy holding townhall meetings with his friends that he didn't have time for other things like vetting his potential running mate past the how do they look in a pantsuit stage?

Before she was tapped as the vice presidential nominee, McCain’s campaign team devoted only five days to vetting Palin and her seventy-four-part questionnaire. But Palin herself only spent a few hours filling it out – an act which had "consumed weeks for other short-listers." Ultimately, a forty-two-page vetting report of Palin was strung together by McCain’s team in a matter of 40 hours.

Definitely a well thought-out idea. I mean, what could possibly go wrong?

Frustrated over the campaign following her disastrous interview with Katie Couric (if you can even call it that), Sarah Palin said she regretted accepting the Republican vice presidential nomination. "If I’d known everything I know now, I would not have done this," she said.

No, this does not include whether Africa is a country or the name of a single newspaper, magazine, or periodical (not related to hunting & fishing) in the country.

McCain’s high command, already worried about her lack of eating and drinking and fearing that she was suffering from post-partum depression, convened a conference call and discussed whether she was mentally unstable. WHETHER?

Hmmm, wonder what they decided? Let's see, is the pope Catholic and the sky blue?

Of course, Sarah Palin dismissed Game Change as lies and half-truths (from the liberal media elites), with her loyal spokeswoman Meg Stapleton telling anyone who wants the whole truth to read the real, ghostwritten version of reality known as Going Rogue.

"The Governor's descriptions of these events are found in her book, 'Going Rogue,'” said Stapleton. “Her descriptions are accurate. She was there. These reporters were not.”

They don't live in Sarah's head. Only Sarah does. And sometimes God. But He doesn't usually stay very long. Gets cold easily.