Much Like The Dodo Bird & The GOP, Don't Ask Don't Tell May Soon Be Relegated To Museums' Extinct Relics Collections

OMG! Did you hear the amazing, Earth-shattering news? Barack Obama has finally given the ol' presidential stamp of approval on a compromise to repeal the Pentagon's wonderful "Don't Ask Don't Tell" policy, which effectively bars gross gay people from risking their pathetic, sinful lives and serve in the United States military, like the rest of us normal, straight people not condemned to eternal hellfire.

For those of you who don't listen to Barbara Streisand while wearing camouflaged fatigues, "Don't Ask Don't Tell" is the horrible result of President Clinton's attempt to lift the ban on terrible gays and lesbians serving (openly) in the military, way back in 1993 when doing anything to help the dreaded homosexuals be treated like actual American citizens, likely meant the abrupt end of one's promising political career, even more than any secret Oval Office blowjobs ever could.

The whole premise of DADT is you "don't ask" if someone is a gay (like say your flaming bunk mate who prances around the barracks in high heels and a feather boa), and if you are a gay, you "don't tell" anyone your disgusting secret. This means, if you are really good at being all sketchy and secretive about who you are, and love using general, generic pronouns when describing the person with whom you share your life, you are legally allowed to get blown up by an improvised explosive device on the side of a road in Iraq or Afghanistan, in order to defend the very freedom you, yourself do not have the privilege of enjoying. So ummm, sorry about that?

Judging from this summary alone, it is of course very difficult to see how such a flawed policy could lead to rampant discrimination, marginalization, and severe psychological distress (and this is all before facing actual combat!). So naturally, Republicans are just in loooooove with this policy!

Fortunately, Republicans are now basically irrelevant, and Democrats haven't completely sold out their rainbow-colored compatriots, which means there's still a shimmering pink glimmer of hope!

Now that a good 17 years have gone by, and America has moved, kicking and screaming, into the 21st century, most Democrats believe that gays and lesbians should leave the collective closet and finally Be All They Can Be without being forced To Be Someone They're Not.

Even hardened, old military brass like Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Adm. Mike Mullen and Secretary of Defense Robert Gates think Don't Ask Don't Tell is a terribly outdated legislative dinosaur that should definitely probably be appealed. The question now being when exactly is the best time to let the queer cat out the brown and green camouflaged bag?

You may recall back in February when Staff Adm. Mike Mullen testified before Congress, saying, "I cannot escape being troubled by the fact that we have in place a policy which forces young men and women to lie about who they are in order to defend their fellow citizens."

But turns out, even more troubling to these manly military men is how to plan the perfect coming out party for these loud 'n proud men and women soon-to-be sashaying, shimmying and shaking their frisky selves out of boot camp barracks and Army storage closets around the country.

And by big, bad coming out party, we of course mean waiting almost a whole year so military officials can complete their very important study to make sure letting GI Joe or Jane be their fabulous selves won't destroy the delicate morale of the troops, whose cohesion may just be hanging by a single, sexually straight thread.

Because everyone knows you don't want to just hastily rush in and uproot an embarrassing blight on equality and justice in one fell swoop. There needs to be order, discipline, and a slow, steady pace when righting an almost two-decades long wrong. It's the American way!

After all, the 1948 order for racial integration in the military took a whole 5 years to implement, and that was just plain ol' black people, which is waaaaaay less terrifying than a real, live homo in combat boots.

So, what we get is a nice ol' compromise: The Obama administration has given its blessing in the form of an amendment to the defense spending measure, which goes through Congress this week, that would repeal the policy. In exchange, the DADT repeal won't go into effect until Secretary Gates and Adm. Mullen complete their study to ensure giving gays the right to die for their country, won't result in sudden apocalyptic doom and the end of civilization as we know it.

Since the study is due to Congress by Dec. 1, rest assured that flamboyant, fashionably dressed, sexually deviant men and women won't officially start helping their fellow countrymen kill Taliban or capture bin Laden until sometime next year, at the earliest. Phew!

Not surprisingly, for their part, the Grand Old Party of racist old people and closeted white men secretly trolling for hot man-tail in airport mens rooms, has vowed to defend the Don't Ask Don't Tell policy—one which they originally opposed (oooh, does that count as progress??), and that scores of current and retired generals and admirals have said is outdated, ineffective, and compromises national security.

Those Republicans, always on the side of justice!
 
Like ancient fossil/living legend John McCain, who can't remember exactly what he thinks of the policy, but after a quick game of "Eeny, meeny, miny, moe" has decided that while the legislation is "imperfect but effective," "we should not be seeking to overturn."

Just like Gramps himself, as well as a certain one-time maverick's Arizona senate seat?

Or Indiana Republican House member Rep. Mike Pence, who knows, "The American people don't want the American military to be used to advance a liberal political agenda. And House Republicans will stand on that principle."

And yes, they do consider wanton discrimination against a single minority as principle.

Even if that principle happens to be thousands of dishonorably discharged, capable young men and women with valuable Arabic speaking and translating skills getting used to the feeling of a whole herd of dumb fat elephants trampling around on top of them until they can find a new, terrible group to discriminate against for political gain.

Too bad they already sent all the Mexicans back to Mexicanland or Mexicopolis or wherever it is those pesky browns come from.

Meanwhile, Sen. Joseph I. Lieberman (I-Conn.) and Rep. Patrick J. Murphy (D-Pa.), the lead sponsors
for repealing the legislation, vowed to pursue their goal quickly.

"It is our firm belief that it is time to repeal this discriminatory policy that not only dishonors those who are willing to give their lives in service to their country but also prevents capable men and women with vital skills from serving in the armed forces."

Ooooh, discriminatory policy that dishonors Americans while also preventing capable men and women from serving the country that they love!?

Sounds like the GOP just found themselves the perfect, new recruitment motto they've been searching for!

And to think, they didn't even have to go to lesbian S&M bondage clubs to find 'em!

Oh No! Obama Picks Liberal, Jewish Woman Who May Or May Not Be A Real Live Lezzie As Next Supreme Bench Warmer

So the world came to a screeching halt last night when the lamestream media made it official (even if the White House didn't) that President Barack Obama had chosen the next Supreme robe to fill the large, liberal shoes of John Paul Stevens, who after decades of dedicated bench warming, was apparently ready to return to his hard rock roots, and reunite with his old band Led Zeppelin. Or something like that.

In any event, the important news is that Elena Kagan, former Harvard Law School Dean, U.S. Solicitor General (whatever that is), and Larry Summers look-a-like has been called upon by President Obama to help steer the Bushwhacked Court out of the Dark Ages and back on normal, 21st century course.

In Kagan, Barry's got all the fixin's: liberal, but not kumbaya kooky liberal, Jewish (so no more kvetching about Israel or Barry loving Muslims!), an actual ovary-possessing, albeit manly female (grrrrrrl power?), with the added mystery of sexual ambiguity (closeted lezzie, or run-of-the-mill homely woman?) to boot.

When it comes to the hottttt topic of Miss Kagan's fuzzy sexual orientation, it appears the jury's still out (no pun intended).

Logically, Elena Kagan is pretty much a sure-fire bet for confirmation, (sketchy closet-case or not).

Truth is, there are only so many things Kagan can possibly be, aside from a smart lady lawyer or judge of some kind.

There's always the possibility that she's a full-on lesbian, whose special lady friend is an "open secret," but who nonetheless backs equal rights for the entire GLBT community, except apparently career legal minds with, umm, shall we say, Supreme aspirations?

Which I guess would make her the first, sort-of out-of-the-closet gay Supreme Court Justice. Hooray?

Of course, the weird, awkward silence around Kagan's sexual orientation could also mean our newest Justice is bisexual, although something tells me the woman's not exactly "tearing it up" with either gender, so the assumption that she's playing for both teams seems slightly far fetched, but hey for all we know, the gal could be the Mickey Mantle of the other, all-time greatest switch-hitting list.

Stranger things have happened, no? Glenn Beck as a voice of reason on the right, Sarah Palin having an "actual" job, John McCain being a maverick, Michael Steele as a competent leader, the list goes on and on.

Then again, considering the White House's hysterical, furious response, treating the lesbian rumors swirling around their beloved nominee as if they were alleging pedophilia, necrophilia bestiality, or God-knows-whatever is worse than being a terrible queer, perhaps Elena Kagan is simply an unattractive straight woman with the misfortune of looking exactly like a post-op version of Larry Summers, after his M-to-F surgery.

But thanks to the sage wisdom of the Grand Old Party, the biggest opposition to Kagan, isn't even her questionable gayness, but rather her crazy, liberal belief that the original U.S. Constitution was "defective" because of the whole 3/5ths, blacks-as-slaves thing, as evidenced by her support of Thurgood Marshall's statement on the subject.

Ha ha, as if the first black Supreme Court Justice is qualified to speak on such matters.

Clearly, the only person allowed to speak on matters of race and racial inequality in America is off-the-hook, hip-hop RNC Chairman of Youth and Lesbian bondage clubs, Michael Steele. For reals, yo!

"Given Kagan's opposition to allowing military recruiters access to her law school’s campus, her endorsement of the liberal agenda and her support for statements suggesting that the Constitution ‘as originally drafted and conceived, was defective,’ you can expect Senate Republicans to respectfully raise serious and tough questions…"

Tough, hard-hitting questions like when is it okay for Republicans to oppose a Supreme Court nominee for umm, how shall we say this, not being overly concerned with hiring minorities and women over equally qualified white men, the very same affirmative-action ballyhoo conservatives detest and hold in typical white male contempt?

Why, when the nominee is an evil Democrat, of course!

But it takes a really big tent to simultaneously stand up for the awesome Confederacy and its proud tradition of enslaving black people, and bitch and moan about a potential Supreme Court nominee not hiring enough black people during her tenure as Dean of Harvard Law School.

Kagan, whose leadership at Harvard Law marked an unprecedented expansion of the program’s faculty, hired 32 tenured and tenure-track faculty. With one exception, all were white; only seven were women ….

To be sure, conservatives, who as a matter of principle oppose racial quotas for the purposes of hiring or admitting, will be wary of legitimizing such an attack. But with a limited body of published work to her credit–which is to say, nothing at all–the metrics by which the Senate may judge Kagan’s judicial temperament are limited.

Eh, like that's ever stopped them before. Besides, they much prefer to just make sh*t up anyway. Sooooo much easier that way!

Either way, the White House is pumped about its pantsuit-wearing, Pat-like pick, not named Hillary Clinton.

"Widely regarded as one of the nation’s leading legal minds, Solicitor General Elena Kagan has forged a path-breaking career in the law and in government service, distinguishing herself throughout by her penetrating intellect, unwavering integrity, sound judgment and prodigious work ethic."

OMG!!! "Penetrating intellect, unwavering integrity, sound judgment, and prodigious work ethic??"

Well, well no wonder Republicans can't stand the gal.

She's everything they hate, rolled into one big, butch, flannel and/or pantsuit wearing package. Minus the frilly bow, of course.

Oh, and sorry, Michael, she doesn't do leather or bondage...yet!

When Not Bashing Gays, California Republican Roy Ashburn Spends His Time Being Gay At Gay Bars

Surprise!

California State Sen. Roy Ashburn, a vehemently anti-gay, family values Republican father of four, who's voted against every gay rights measure in the State Senate since taking office, including recognizing out-of-state same-sex marriages, Harvey Milk Day and expanding anti-discrimination laws (ya know, for the children!), has a dirty little secret of his own: he's a terrible gay too!

Yes, the same esteemed state senator from Southern California, who in 2005 spearheaded an anti-gay marriage rally to protect "the future of our children," was arrested on Wednesday for allegedly driving drunk after leaving Faces, a totally gay nightclub in Sacramento.

Ummm, ooops?

Of course, prior to his DUI arrest while chasing hot man-tail, Ashburn is perhaps best remembered for being a fearless, dedicated opponent of the Godless gays and the abomination known as same-sex marriage.

"Our friends and neighbors in our community are restating the obvious -- that the institute of marriage is fundamental to our society," Ashburn told the crowd. "Marriage between one man and one woman is fundamental to civilization."

"We need to preserve traditional values for the future of our children. Children must be raised with morals and principles. As a society, we must provide them with a secured and loving environment that allows them to flourish."

In secret. Hopefully, while wasted and operating a motor vehicle en route to a seedy motel with the hot piece of man muscle you just snagged, who, if all goes well, you will soon be railing and banging and slamming and drawing rainbows all over before returning home to your loving wife and children, who you care deeply about, especially when deep inside another man.

According to the report:

The California Highway Patrol pulled over Republican State Sen. Roy Ashburn at 2:00 a.m. Wednesday after an officer noticed a black Chevy Tahoe swerving at 13th and L Streets.

When the officer stopped the state-issued vehicle, the driver identified himself as Senator Ashburn. He was arrested without incident and charged with two misdemeanors: driving under the influence and driving with a blood alcohol level higher than .08% or higher.

A male passenger, who was not identified as a lawmaker, was also in the car but was not detained.

After being booked into the Sacramento County Jail and released on $1,400 bond, Ashburn issued the following statement:

"I am deeply sorry for my actions and offer no excuse for my poor judgment. I accept complete responsibility for my conduct and am prepared to accept the consequences for what I did. I am also truly sorry for the impact this incident will have on those who support and trust me – my family, my constituents, my friends, and my colleagues in the Senate."

And also, I am not gay nor have I ever been gay.

Of course, not everyone's buying the whole "Wide Stance" claim (except maybe Larry Craig), including out 'n proud mayor of West Sacramento, Christopher Cabaldon, who called out Ashburn in a Facebook posting about six months ago, and says he's spotted gay-bashing, closeted man lover Sen. Roy Ashburn at gay clubs numerous times over the years.

Upon hearing news of Ashburn's arrest, Mayor Christopher Cabaldon said, "To live a secret life and at the same time be attacking exactly the people who you're one of -- but that you're too ashamed to admit -- that's the hypocrisy that I think for folks, whether you're gay or not, is just unacceptable in politics."

Don't be silly, Mayor! Hypocrisy is the lifeblood of politics. Gay, on the other hand, is the deathblow.

Whoa, Whoa, settle down, Roy! No need to get all excited, I didn't mean that kind of blow. Get your head out of the gutter! Sicko.

Be All That You Can Be When Forced To Be Someone You're Not

So what can we infer from this latest poll of braindead America other than the collective IQ of our fellow countrymen hovers somewhere between Forrest Gump and Joey Tribbiani? And that's being generous!

Well things are certainly much clearer now that we know America is all for letting plain ol' gays and lesbians serve in the military, as long as the dreaded homosexuals understand being 'all you can be' doesn't extend to their kind.

Heavens no!

Sure, a gay there, a lesbo there, everyone's happy and all is well in the world. No harm, no foul etc, etc. But throw a homo into the camouflaged mix and who knows what crazy rainbow-tinged mayhem might ensue?

The last thing America's armed servicemen and women need is an environment where those who are different are accepted, not bound, gagged and beaten to smithereens in a corner for being that one fag whose partner shares the same reproductive parts they do. Sickos!

Before you know it, you've got soldiers being honest, even tolerating (gasp!) the very same people entrusted with their lives.

So, after years of ignoring Don't Ask, Don't Tell until suddenly realizing there's no one left to translate Arabic, the military, at the behest of Barack Obama, has finally decided to repeal the sensible, decades-long policy that ranks rapists, drug addicts, and violent offenders well ahead of the dreaded sickness of fashion sense and fabulousness.

Which probably explains why, much like Barry, even the regular folk have suddenly taken a liking to those shiny happy people who were put on this planet solely for the constant amusement, and of course judgment, by their fellow citizens of humanity. And it only took 17 years!

In fact, a whopping 70% of Americans now say they support "gay men and lesbians" serving in the military, while just 59% feel the same way about the miserable "homosexuals."

Which can likely only be explained by people seeing the words lesbians and thinking "Whoa, hot girl on girl action?? Sweet, sign me up!"

Naturally, homosexuals fare worse than gays and lesbians in any scenario, but it's also the whole "openly" idea that makes people nervous. In the case of to closet or not to closet, just 44% favor allowing "homosexuals" to leave the dank, damp storage room that is their lives to serve openly in the military, while 58% favor allowing "gay men and lesbians" to loudly and proudly sacrifice their lives for country.

The last thing we need are a bunch of Ellens and Eltons bursting out of Army closets across the land, wearing their gay and lesbianess on their sleeves for all the world to see. What are we European or something? Ugh.

Why can't they just be ashamed of their sexuality like a normal person and go to any and all lengths to keep their dirty little secret to themselves?

What we need are more heterosexual heroes who aren't afraid to call out homosinuality as a pox on Earth, a blight upon humanity, an act as depraved and immoral as Judas himself.

Decent, god-fearing people like Larry Craig, Mark Foley, Charlie Crist, and Ted Haggard, who at least have the common courtesy to pretend they're straight, when not secretly cruising airport men's rooms, the ripe, supple Senate page program, highway rest stops, abandoned church parking lots, rat-infested warehouses, dark, garbage-strewn alleys, drug-fueled street corners, and the seedy prostitution ring behind the old, deserted Christian community center and bible studies class.

It's called tact.

Don't Ask, Don't Tell. Just Close Your Eyes and Pray They Go Away!

OMG, did you hear the news?? After nearly two decades of keeping them pesky gays in the closet (where they belong) with the brilliant "don't ask, don't tell" policy, the Defense Department will finally begin the process of repealing the military's 20-year ban on feathered boas, leather pants, freshly pressed clothes, good fashion sense, and any other brazenly obvious displays of sexuality that can in any way be construed as even slightly homosexual.

Of course, as with any issue as bone-chillingly frightening as granting gays and lesbians the right to die for their country while also being "all they can be" as a loud 'n proud member of the United States Army, the process is expected to take several years.

Defense Secretary Robert Gates and chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Admiral Mike Mullen, announced they will present an "implementation plan" to U.S. lawmakers next Tuesday, carefully drafting the best strategy for repealing the ban without hurting the delicate "morale or readiness" of the troops, whose cohesion may be hanging by a single sexually straight thread.

You see, Robert Gates has long voiced his concerns over lifting the ban too hastily, which has been proudly discriminating against gays and lesbians, since the early 1990s. Yay!

Now you don't want to just rush in and uproot a terrible and embarrassing blight on equality in one fell swoop. There needs to be order, discipline, and a slow, steady pace when righting a decades-old wrong.

Let's not forget that the 1948 executive order for racial integration in the military took five years to implement and that was just black people! Which is waaaaay less creepy and threatening than a gay in uniform. Just ask Robert Gates.

"I'm not saying that's a model for this, but I'm saying that I believe this is something that needs to be done very, very carefully," Gates said in a speech last year at the Army War College in Carlisle, Pennsylvania.

That way, people can slowly get used to the idea of diversity and acceptance, even if it means sharing a water fountain, classroom, bus, cubicle, or heavens forbid, a professional sports team, with ummm, shall we say, a person on the opposite side of the color spectrum.

Same goes for the more rainbowy hue, whose lives of sin and iniquity have to be LITERALLY SHOVED in the face of us normal, God-fearing folk trying to protect the country. By law!

But what kind of terrible ripple effect will allowing soldiers to be open about their total gayness have? Surely, all this truth and honesty will break such a delicate, fragile force, stretched thin by two fruitless (and let's keep it that way??) wars and the loss of more than 10,500 service members for violating the DADT policy in the last ten years!

I mean, the entire military's command structure relies on trust! What's going to happen when suddenly soldiers, officers, and commanders stop lying and start being honest with each other about who they are and who they love?

Just imagine the chaos and confusion that will ensue when people are forced to actually tolerate each others' differences instead of beating and hazing that one flaming faggot in their unit within inches of his life?

I, for one, do not want to be around for the day when a soldier is forced to room with someone who is openly gay and has the same reproductive organs. **Shudder!**

Or for the day when convicted felons, gang members, drug users, high-school dropouts, and those with "serious criminal misconduct" in their background are no longer welcome, and instead turned away, while gays and lesbians are free to romp through the barracks, having their wicked way with decent, hardworking men and women of the U.S. Armed Services, and destroying the very fabric of the great nation.

The strictly black and white, no shades of gray, sexually pure, one man plus one woman hetero fabric that makes this country the kind of fair and just leader of the free world, who openly discriminates against the scourge of homosexuality, it strives so hard to be.

Just like those other two bastions of freedom and equality, Russia and China.

Cindy McCain Shows Her Support For Gays, Tries To Kill Husband In The Process

Much like hubby John and sassy daughter Megs, maverick blood courses thick through Cindy McCain's once pill-addled veins.

Sometimes, this rogue gene manifests itself on the campaign trail in the form of profanity-laced tirades directed at her dear old husband for "ruining her life" and forcing her into the smooth, chiseled, youthful arms of another with those silly presidential shenanigans of his.

Other times, Cindy's inherent need to rebel comes in the form of getting her mouth duct-taped shut for a soft pornography shoot, as the newest, surgically-enhanced face of a pro-gay marriage campaign. Yay!

"Posing with tape over her mouth and a "NOH8" logo on her face, Cindy McCain was photographed for the NOH8 Campaign, which protests Proposition 8, the California proposition passed in 2008 banning same-sex marriage, and currently being challenged in federal court."

Naturally, John is perfectly fine with both beautiful blondes in his life coming out to support the gays by dabbling in some light S&M and thus crushing any remaining shreds of the old man's chances to ever reach the Oval Office.

"The McCains are one of the most well-known Republican families in recent history, and for Mrs. McCain to have reached out to us to offer her support truly means a lot," the NOH8 Website says.

"Aligning yourself with the platform of gay marriage as a Republican still tends to be very stigmatic, but Cindy McCain wanted to participate in the campaign to show people that party doesn't matter - marriage equality isn't a Republican issue any more than it is a Democratic issue."

It is simply an electability issue. Which is why it is to be spoken by no one, but certainly not by anyone with any real presidential aspirations.

In that case, what are you so worried about John? No one is voting for you either way, silly!

But just in case, America is gripped by collective Alzheimer's and forgets all about the great Palin-McCain trainwreck of '08, Johnny Mac over here is hedging his bets on one thing most people will always remember: to discriminate against that one flamboyant and/or flannel clad group of sinners, them fightin' gays.

Ooooh, and maybe just maybe he'll finally be able to ride that senior citizen wave of fear and ignorance into power, where his supreme white male authority as head of house, the White House that is, will finally go unchallenged.

John McCain’s office said in a statement that the Arizona senator respects the views of members of his family but remains opposed to gay marriage.

"Sen. McCain believes the sanctity of marriage is only defined as between one man and one woman."

A loveless, miserable union between one shriveled old man, his much younger, hotter, richer wifey, and whatever strapping young gent she's boning on the side. Just like God intended.

Like Mother, Like Daughter

New Jersey Just Says No to Gays, Yes to Purple Haze

Ay, New Jersey, you make us so proud (not the queer kind obvs!). It's always nice to see the land that originated electric-beach bronzed men with greasy hair and muscles bulging from skin-tight wife-beaters is keeping its priorities "straight."

Priorities like keeping those pesky hetero wannabees away from the alter and the sweet ganja a comin' in the ol' Garden State of opposite sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll.

You see, here in New Jersey, life is more than just Tony Soprano and the class and glamor that is Jersey Shore. In fact, the fine folks of Jersey believe some things in life are sacred. Like the government telling you who you can (straights) and can't marry (gays) and what kind of plants you can (weed) or can't smoke (opium).

Because New Jersey understands a few things when it comes to human decency and compassion. Like how it's only okay to discriminate against people for being gay, not for being sick.

Which is why the fine lawmakers in the Garden State have decided to protect the sanctity of marriage by prohibiting those ghastly gays from having any part in the blessed union of one piece of Jersey trash to another opposite sex piece of Jersey trash like God intended. Bada-bing!

But if you're chronically ill (ha ha chronic), you can take a puff puff of the sweet sticky icky without feeling like a no-good dirty criminal thanks to the New Jersey Legislature's measure to legalize the use of marijuana to help patients with severe illnesses like cancer, AIDS, Lou Gehrig’s disease, muscular dystrophy and multiple sclerosis.

"I'm in heaven," Nancy Fedder, a 62-year-old multiple sclerosis sufferer, said after the Senate vote. "It means I am no longer a criminal in the state of New Jersey."

Just don't do anything crazy like trying to marry Barbara, or it's back to the parole board for you Nancy!

Democratic Assemblyman Reed Gusciora, a co-sponsor of the bill who pushed for it for years, said medical marijuana can alleviate suffering and there's no evidence it increases overall drug use.

"I don't think we should make criminals out of our very sick and terminally ill," he said.

That's reserved for homos, thank you very much.

"It’s nice to finally see a day when democracy helps heal people," said Charles Kwiatkowski, 38, one of dozens of patients who rallied at the State House in support of the measure. "The M.S. Society has shown that this drug will help slow the progression of my disease. Why would I want to use anything else?"

I don't know, maybe 'cause you're gay?

"I truly believe this will become a model for other states because it balances the compassionate use of medical marijuana while limiting the number of ailments that a physician can prescribe it for," Mr. Gusciora said.

Sorry, as of now, being gay does not qualify as a disease. But rest assured, they're working on it!

Scott Ward, 26, who suffers from multiple sclerosis, said he had been prescribed marijuana to alleviate leg cramps so severe that they often felt "like my muscles are tearing apart."

"Now, I can do normal things like take a walk and walk the dog.” Not freak things like gay marry the person you love. Fuggedaboutit!

What are you high or something??

Change He/She Can Believe in: Obama Appoints Transgender Woman to Commerce

Ummm, yay?

Sometimes friend of the gays President Barack Obama recently named Amanda Simpson to be a Senior Technical Adviser to the Commerce Department. Weird thing is Amanda over here used to be a test pilot named Mitchell Simpson.

"I'm truly honored to have received this appointment and am eager and excited about this opportunity that is before me," Simpson, a member of the National Center for Transgender Equality's board of directors, said in a statement. "As one of the first transgender presidential appointees to the federal government, I hope that I will soon be one of hundreds, and that this appointment opens future opportunities for many others."

Whoa, slow down tiger! Let's not get ahead of ourselves here.

But I guess Obama wasn't kidding when he said his approach to delicate GLBT issues would be a transitional one.

Psyche! Maine Voters Decide Not To Give The Gays Equal Rights After All

Maine voters came thisclose to becoming the first electorate in any state to say sure, why the hell not let the gays marry like the rest of us one man plus one woman miseries before deciding eh, on second thought, they'd rather keep that hetero perk all to their newly puritan selves.

After all, this is Maine, people--not some Kumbaya-chanting hippie commune like Iowa.

Besides, with Sen. Olympia Snowe already crossing the aisle as the sole Republican to support health care reform, Maine's trailblazer reputation is already secured, so there's no need to get all wild 'n crazy and start actually treating the gays like real citizens who are afforded the same constitutional protections as everyone else. We're not trying to ruffle any feathers here! That's part of what makes Maine, well Maine.

If being ordinary and unexciting wasn't a part of its history, how else could this proud, 40th most populous state of 1,316,456 be home to the thriving Northeast metropolis known as Portland–South Portland–Biddeford?

Although, gay marriage has now lost in every single state in which civil rights are left up to the voters for a positively St. Louis Rams/Detroit Lions-like record of 0-31, gay rights activists and the handful of hetero Americans who thought the whole 'separate but equal' issue was settled with the Supreme Court's unanimous 1954 landmark Brown v. Board of Education ruling striking down segregation as unconstitutional under the Equal Protection Clause of the Fourteenth Amendment, were disappointed to learn that (much like California) the same standards of jurisprudence simply don't apply to queers in Maine either.

Turns out that even Maine's independent streak and irrepressible Yankee spirit of fairness and individuality wasn't enough to stop the hate juggernaut or the indisputable fact that when marriage equality is decided by voters, Jesus tends to trump justice.

I mean if gay marriage cannot win in the original bastion of same-sex sin California, was it ever realistic to expect a rainbow-colored welcome banner in Maine, with or without the Mormon-led cruasde against the scourge of Homosinuality.

As long as America allows civil rights to be decided by voters at the ballot box instead of as a Federal constitutional matter before the U.S. Supreme Court, true equality and freedom--like the founding fathers intended--will never be realized.

Think about it, if we treated blacks like we treat the gays, half the South would still be hosing down black kids trying to go to school, ride the bus, or God forbid, drink from a (whites-only) fountain.

But I guess we could always compromise and enact something like Don't Ask, Don't Tell. We can all just run around with paper bags over our heads and Hazmat suits on our bodies so nobody knows anything about anybody. That way, who's black, white or sparkly-rainbow colored would all remain hidden under a common cloak of freedom.

Just like the good old days!

Read more at: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/11/03/maine-gay-marriage-vote-e_n_344688.html

Right-Wing Demands Obama Fire Kevin Jennings For Helping Gay Teens Not Kill Themselves

Kevin Jennings, Educator And Homosexual

Everyone knows, much like the thought of women working, the idea of homosexuals being anything other than a wretched curse on society, who are arbitrarily tossed into prison on questionable sodomy charges (but really for being the colorful flamers they are), makes Republicans very uncomfortable.

Luckily, delightful congressman like Rep. Steve King (R-IA) and 52 other (enlightened) House Republicans have upped the ante of their delusional rantings against director of the Office of Safe and Drug-Free Schools and menace to wholesome society Kevin Jennings for threatening all of humanity with his dreaded homosexual agenda.

This is the fate of our children we're talking about!

Which is why it is so reassuring to know we have upstanding lawmakers like Rep. Steve King leading the fight of the righteous to bring down the evil homosexual cabal threatening the very fabric of this great nation. All that flamboyance and cleanliness and pride--it's too much!

As such, King and his patriotic band of anti-gay crusaders have written a formal letter to the White House asking President Barack Obama to fire Jennings on the claim that:

"As the founder of the Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network (GLSEN), Mr. Jennings has played an integral role in promoting homosexuality and pushing a pro-homosexual agenda in America's schools-an agenda that runs counter to the values that many parents desire to instill in their children."

"Throughout his career, Mr. Jennings has made it his mission to establish special protections for gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered students to the exclusion of all other students. The totality of Mr. Jennings' career has been to advocate for public affirmation of homosexuality. There is more to safe and drug free schools than can be accomplished from the narrow view of Mr. Jennings who has, for more than 20 years, almost exclusively focused on promoting the homosexual agenda."

This homo-obsessed, rainbow-tinged demon teacher must be stopped! Who knows the countless number of homosexual students--disproportionately the victims of violence and harassment at school--who've been saved by this evil man's commitment "to the safety" of these sinful students?

Meanwhile, the good, straight kids are left to suffer all because they can no longer beat up that one fag in their gym class.

Think about it. Is this really the message we want to be sending our children? That it's okay to be different? Or even worse, that it's okay to be gay and not automatically get your ass kicked by half the football team??

I, for one, don't want to live in a world where smear the queer is nothing more than a friendly romp of playground tag. Apparently, nor does Steve King. And not just because he's the running champ of his favoritist childhood game that also happens to bear his moniker.

No, not Asshole. King of the Hill, silly.

Obama Uses Well-Placed Jokes, Vague Promises To Cool Off The Gays

Okay, okay, since I guess he has no choice but to squeeze in those pesky, equal rights-seeking gays at some point, what better time than on the heels of his newfound Nobel clout and the Senate's soon-to-pass hate crime legislation that protects who else but the world's favorite rainbow-colored scapegoat, the gays! (P.S. I don't remember George W. Bush ever passing any queer friendly anything, except maybe allowing Mary Cheney on the premises).

On Saturday night, President Barack Obama had the unique privilege of speaking to the nation's largest gay rights group at the Human Rights Campaign dinner, where he addressed all the ways he's failed to help the one community it's still okay to constitutionally neglect.

Although Obama wasn't slated to make any major announcements about Don't Ask Don't Tell or the Defense of Marriage Act in his speech--two policies he's totally against, just not enough to actually do anything about them--the President does plan on highlighting "incremental advancements" like acknowledging that gays and lesbians exist and admitting they are not in fact the flamboyant or flannel clad culprits behind 9/11, Hurricane Katrina, the World Trade Center bombing, and all other societal ills.

"Despite the real gains that we've made, there are still laws to change and still hearts to open," Obama told the crowd, adding that discrimination needs to end, "whether in the office or the battlefield."

To those impatient gays and lesbos--who simply cannot wait another second for the same constitutional protections afforded to the rest of the nation--Obama assured them they have a friend in the White House, saying "do not doubt the path we are on or the destination we will reach."

He just has to take care of a couple other things like two wars, a failing economy, health care reform, the environment, immigration, and what to do about First Dog Bo's birthday first. Then, he's all yours!

But some gay activists and other rainbow-mafia types like the Atlantic's Andrew Sullivan are simply not satisfied with empty(?) words and promises, no matter how sincere and charismatic this charming man may be.

Sullivan thinks Obama just needs to do something and he's not talking about appointing a gay ambassador or extending federal benefits--though not the one anyone cares about, health insurance--to spouses of gay and lesbian federal workers. "Until then, Mr. President, why don't you have a nice steaming cup of shut-the-fuck-up?"

Whoa there Sully! But turns out he's not alone in his criticism.

"The administration is caught in a bit of a time warp, and they think it's 1993," said John Aravosis, founder of AmericaBlog. "They're trying to get credit for very B- and C-list moves."

You mean symbolic gestures meant to make the president seem "cool" with gay people—and thereby appeal to moderate mainstream voters—but don't secure anything substantive or new for gay people are B-and C-list moves?

Doesn't anything satisfy you people? I mean aside from Obama's kick-ass, queer-friendly opener to loosen up the black-tie crowd of about 3,000: "It is a privilege to be here tonight to open for Lady Gaga," the president told the crowd. "I've made it."

Hahahahahahahaha! Ya know, 'cause gays love Lady Gaga (and anyone else who makes Amy Winehouse and Elton John's wardrobe look like it wasn't strewn together by a homeless, color-blind prostitute after a 48-hour meth binge, for that matter).

Read more at: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/09/14/lady-gagas-vma-outfits-wi_n_285576.html

Either way, Obama's big speech to the gays included the obligatory "unwavering commitment" to achieving equal rights and waxing poetic about how a time will come when relationships between same sex couples are acknowledged as "just as real and admirable" as heterosexual relationships.

Just not this time.

"Many of you don't believe progress is happening. I want to be honest about that because it's important to be honest among friends," he said. "I said this before, I'll repeat it again, it's not important for me to tell you to be patient."

What is important is that you start learning that for yourselves. Now would you all just take a chill-pill please? I mean seriously people!

When Will The Chosen One Choose The Gays?

After eight loooong years of George W. Bush, those insatiable gays were finally ready for a president who doesn't believe Hurricane Katrina was God's way of showing his disapproval of their sinful lifestyle.

So when Barack Obama actually defeated that nice old man from Arizona to become America's first half-black president in history and the first semi-gay friendly prez in almost a decade, Americas' queers were overjoyed. Could Obama be the rainbow messiah they've been waiting for?

For starters, he wasn't afraid to say the dreaded three-letter word most candidates find any excuse possible to avoid. He called them by name. He said the word gay (gasp!). At not just when when he had to. But at black churches, in his speech to the decidedly non gay-loving NAACP, and even on election night. In all fairness, he also mentioned that other hedonist group, the atheists, and they're even worse than the gays!

Yes, Obama seemed a far cry from the country's straight white presidential past, and so while he worked to stimulate the economy back from the ravaged pit of despair left in Dubya's wake, figure out exit strategies from not one but two wars, help protect the environment, and reform health care so that uninsured Americans have more options than what color wooden casket they'd like, gays and lesbians sat patiently waiting for him to answer their prayers for equality.

In the meantime, momentum for the gays keeps building--in the courts, in legislatures, in the gay meccas of Iowa and New England. Hell, even freakin' Dick Cheney suddenly showed a soft spot for the gays, and not just cause daughter Mary is one of 'em but because he cares about justice and equality for every citizen of this great nation. Ha ha I'm just playing, it's totally because of her, well that, and the fact that he'll do anything to give Barry a hard time.

So the question remains what's a gay to do with Barry? Should they hate him for not doing more to overturn "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" or the Defense of Marriage Act? For not waving his magic wand and instantly granting America's favorite scapegoat of sin the rights they always heard about but never had? Rights that convicted felons enjoy like the freedom to serve in the military or have a quickie wedding in Vegas by a priest who also happens to be Elvis.

Some, like GLBT rabblerouser and big-time Democratic fundraiser Bruce Bastian, think this is a moral battle, and with truth on their side, it's time to stop being so god damn understanding.

"The President and Congress have really big items on their plate. I’m sure some politicians think, Why can’t the gays be patient? Well, every day that we’re patient we have more gay kids killing themselves. We have more soldiers getting their careers destroyed. We have more religious bigots convincing people to stay in the closet. You can’t get rid of bigotry with legislation, but you certainly can stall it. You can shut it up. Every day that we sit quiet and stay patient, we are losing people."

In other words, less articulate cogent arguments, more insane ramblings and mind-blowing disregard for reality. Just think of it like a Birther and ask yourself "What Would Orly Taitz Do?"

Obama To NAACP: Rainbow Is The New Black

Notorious gay-ignorer President Barack Obama used his speech commemorating the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP)'s 100th anniversary to finally give the Queers of Color some much-needed presidential love.

And to prove that, despite his refusal to act on such weighty matters as the right to get married, serve in the military without being forced back into the closet, and the overall advancement of equality for gays and lesbians, Obama's still down with the gays, the President offered an enthusiastic shout-out to his rainbow brother and sisters.

"On the 45th anniversary of the Civil Rights Act, discrimination cannot stand. Not on account of color or gender--how you worship--or who you love. Prejudice has no place in the United States of America."

Racism, he said, is felt "by African-American women paid less for doing the same work as colleagues of a different color and gender. By Latinos made to feel unwelcome in their own country. By Muslim Americans viewed with suspicion for simply kneeling down to pray. By our gay brothers and sisters, still taunted, still attacked, still denied their rights."

But according to Mr. Perfect Obama, responsibility means more than just allowing black gays and lesbians to live their hedonist lifestyle without fear of getting their asses kicked by their straight, god-fearing brothers and sisters. It means "No excuses!"

"No one has written your destiny for you. Your destiny is in your hands and don't you forget that...We have to say to our children, 'Yes, if you're African-American, the odds of growing up amid crime and gangs are higher."

"But that's not a reason to get bad grades, that's not a reason to cut class, that's not a reason to give up on your education and drop out of school," Obama said. "I want them aspiring to be scientists and engineers, doctors and teachers, not just ballers and rappers. I want them aspiring to be a Supreme Court justice. I want them aspiring to be president of the United States."

In other words, less 50 Cent more Colin Powell. Hell, even RuPaul's an improvement!

Joe Biden Promises Gays Equal Rights...One Of These Days

The good thing about being president is you can always send your vice-president to do the annoying sh*t you don't want to do yourself.

Like dealing with those angry gays and lesbians. And boy are they pissed at old Barry! They think he doesn't care about them now that he's the president of the world and all. So what better way to cool off heated temps than by sending soft-spoken man of the people Joe Biden to smooth things over with the slighted rainbows?

You see fightin' Joe Biden understands the anger the GLBT community is feeling towards Obama, and to be perfectly frank, he doesn't blame them for their frustrations. I mean Barry is kinda acting like a dick, but fear not because Joe is on your side. He'll "put some pace on the ball" in terms of actually trying to get you queers the rights and protections everyone keeps promising you until they actually get elected. Maybe then you'll finally stop bitching for once.

"I am not unaware of the controversy swirling around this dinner and swirling around the speed or lack thereof that we are moving on issues that are of great importance to you...I don't blame you for your impatience. But I hope you don't doubt the president's commitment."

I mean look on the bright side people, Obama did appoint 60 of your fellow pink brethren, including nine that require Senate confirmation. So, despite the administration's lack of progress on the Defense of Marriage Act, Don't Ask, Don't Tell, and virtually every other gay issue, rest assured that the administration is committed to "the unfinished business of true equality."

Joe will be the first to tell you that gay and lesbian concerns will not be "delayed, put off or not end up on Obama's plate" because he is dealing with so many other issues.

"I promise you with your help we'll get there in this administration," even going as far as to say that if the country achieves real equality, "I will have marked my term as vice president as being truly worthwhile."

But on the off chance he does fail, just remember it's all the gays' fault. Oh and lesbians too.

Obama Takes Break From Murdering Flies To Make Gays Feel Like Real Citizens

Liberal hippie Barack Obama has promised to do a lot of things, namely fix the economy, healthcare, Iraq, Afghanistan, and basically everything else Georgey managed to screw up completely. He also promised the gays he'd try to help make them first-class citizens, but excuuuuse him if his plate's been a little full!

So, with the pace of a sloth dipped in molasses, President Barack Obama signed a memorandum extending some federal benefits to same-sex partners of federal workers. Of course, the measure doesn't cover healthcare and retirement benefits, two of the things no one ever thinks about when they think about "employment benefits." Perhaps they'll get a discount on Nationals tickets or Lincoln Memorial tours instead?

As he signed the historic legislation into law, Obama said, "Extending equal benefits to the same-sex partners of Federal employees is the right thing to do," although he did note that by law, the government cannot grant gay couples the same range of benefits afforded to heterosexual couples. Sorry, gays, better luck next time.

Obama also reiterated his opposition to the Defense of Marriage Act, saying, "It's discriminatory, it interferes with States' rights, and it's time we overturned it."

But if you'll excuse him, he has a few flies to kill first.

Looks Like Someone Has A Case Of The Mondays...

Ugh. God, you people are wearing Barry out! Can't a guy get one day where he can just chill and eat hamburgers and not have to listen to boring meetings about fiscal policy, health care reform or a Supreme Court nominee breaking their ankle in a freak accident called klutziness at LaGuardia airport?

Between that crazy North Korean dude, Sen. Grassley's ridiculous, error-ridden tweets of rage, and the GLBT mafia all over him to repeal that absurd middle-school policy "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" and let them die for this country like the convicted felons and drug offenders allowed to serve, so long as they don't wear leather chaps and feathered boas, Barry sure has his hands full.

So for the love of God, can you just give the man some peace for a moment? I mean seriously folks, Nicolas Sarkozy only promised to take Michelle and the girls off his hands for a few precious hours--and the clock is ticking here people!

So if you don't mind, he'd like a few more minutes fantasizing about schooling Kobe Bryant with his famous stutter-step crossover move straight to the hole. And for Christ sake, will someone please get the man a cigarette?

And Then There Were Six

Watch out heteros, America is going to hell and quick! In case you missed the rainbow parade, the nation's moral freefall into homosinuality quickened Wednesday night when Democratic (duh) Governor John Lynch signed legislation legalizing gay marriage in New Hampshire (gasp!).

So thanks New Hampshire for arriving fashionably late to the same-sex party already attended by Massachusetts, Maine, Vermont, Connecticut, and Iowa. You''ll have to excuse the other 44 or so states still on their way. Traveling by horse and buggy tends to take some time.

The Softer Side Of Dick

Omg. Bleeding heart liberal Dick Cheney (yes that Dick Cheney) may be no-nonsense on national security, but when it comes to matters of the heart, he's as soft as they come. After all, he's a family man first and a demented prophet of doom second.

And he for one knows that gays, while slightly repulsive and annoyingly clean, deserve the same rights as everyone else (except for suspected terrorists of course!). Compared to other threats out there like biological and chemical warfare, a nuclear armed Iran and North Korea, and that wackjob Osama bin Laden, the gays aren't even that bad.

Besides, his daughter Mary happens to be more than just a bit Merry herself. And Dick loves her for who she is: Him.

"I think that freedom means freedom for everyone," Cheney said. "I think people ought to be free to enter into any kind of union they wish."

Unless they live in one of the 46 or so states that denies them this right. Then they can just pretend. What gays don't have imaginations either?

Like Father, Like Son?

Obama Looks To Congress To Help The Gays "Ask And Tell"

President Barack Obama may be down with the gays (in that he doesn't want to ship 'em off to a remote island), but some members of the rainbow mafia aren't satisfied. I guess all of New England just isn't good enough for some people!

Those greedy gays just won't leave Barry alone now that he rules the world. They think it's time for Obama to start honoring his promise only to forsake them until the election was over and he could assume his rightful place in the Oval Office. Then, with a graceful waive of his magic fairy wand, he could give finally give the queers those damn equal rights they keep bitching about.

But, suddenly Mr. hot shot Obama forgot about his gay and lesbian friends. It's not that he doesn't think they deserve the right to die for the country that refuses them the same constitutional rights as everyone else, it's just that he doesn't plan to intervene personally to stop the ongoing expulsion of homos from the military.

While the president certainly wants to do away with the hateful and unjust "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy, White House spokesman Robert Gibbs says critics must understand that a repeal requires "more than snapping one's fingers."

A policy such as this requires a "durable legislative solution," but rest assured Obama is busy working with lawmakers to do away with this abominable policy once and for all.

But, in the meantime, pipe down, take your dishonorable discharge like the man, woman, or tranny that you are, and while we're on it, would it really kill you to tone down the whole "gay thing" for once in your wretched life?

Remember people, the goal isn't to make you more comfortable with them, it's to make them less uncomfortable with you!

Forget Swine Flu, Gay Marriage Bug Threatens Entire Northeast!

Oh no! While America was being distracted by the pig AIDS pandemic, a much scarier virus was busy creeping across our fair land.

I'm talking of course about the dreaded gay marriage bug tearing through the Northeast this spring, easily taking Ben and Jerry's hedonist commune Vermont, before striking New Hampshire, and now Maine. We're talking MAINE, people!

That's not including the queer assault on America's heartland last month, bringing the good people of Iowa right down the rainbow drain with them. Not to mention, the original Bobbsey Twins of sin, Massachusetts and Connecticut, who first fell victim to the devil's handiwork by legalizing unholy unions of sin (or as liberals call it, same-sex marriage) in 2004 and 2008, respectively.

Even little ol' Washington, DC couldn't resist the wily charms of allowing two people to marry each other not for propagation alone but love, sweet love. Okay, well not exactly to marry but to at least have their god-forsaken matrimony honored when away from the Sodom and Gomorrah they call home and in the confines of the nation's capital.

Hey, how else do you expect a swampy, non-state with no voting rights to contribute to the downfall of society?