New Jersey Just Says No to Gays, Yes to Purple Haze

Ay, New Jersey, you make us so proud (not the queer kind obvs!). It's always nice to see the land that originated electric-beach bronzed men with greasy hair and muscles bulging from skin-tight wife-beaters is keeping its priorities "straight."

Priorities like keeping those pesky hetero wannabees away from the alter and the sweet ganja a comin' in the ol' Garden State of opposite sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll.

You see, here in New Jersey, life is more than just Tony Soprano and the class and glamor that is Jersey Shore. In fact, the fine folks of Jersey believe some things in life are sacred. Like the government telling you who you can (straights) and can't marry (gays) and what kind of plants you can (weed) or can't smoke (opium).

Because New Jersey understands a few things when it comes to human decency and compassion. Like how it's only okay to discriminate against people for being gay, not for being sick.

Which is why the fine lawmakers in the Garden State have decided to protect the sanctity of marriage by prohibiting those ghastly gays from having any part in the blessed union of one piece of Jersey trash to another opposite sex piece of Jersey trash like God intended. Bada-bing!

But if you're chronically ill (ha ha chronic), you can take a puff puff of the sweet sticky icky without feeling like a no-good dirty criminal thanks to the New Jersey Legislature's measure to legalize the use of marijuana to help patients with severe illnesses like cancer, AIDS, Lou Gehrig’s disease, muscular dystrophy and multiple sclerosis.

"I'm in heaven," Nancy Fedder, a 62-year-old multiple sclerosis sufferer, said after the Senate vote. "It means I am no longer a criminal in the state of New Jersey."

Just don't do anything crazy like trying to marry Barbara, or it's back to the parole board for you Nancy!

Democratic Assemblyman Reed Gusciora, a co-sponsor of the bill who pushed for it for years, said medical marijuana can alleviate suffering and there's no evidence it increases overall drug use.

"I don't think we should make criminals out of our very sick and terminally ill," he said.

That's reserved for homos, thank you very much.

"It’s nice to finally see a day when democracy helps heal people," said Charles Kwiatkowski, 38, one of dozens of patients who rallied at the State House in support of the measure. "The M.S. Society has shown that this drug will help slow the progression of my disease. Why would I want to use anything else?"

I don't know, maybe 'cause you're gay?

"I truly believe this will become a model for other states because it balances the compassionate use of medical marijuana while limiting the number of ailments that a physician can prescribe it for," Mr. Gusciora said.

Sorry, as of now, being gay does not qualify as a disease. But rest assured, they're working on it!

Scott Ward, 26, who suffers from multiple sclerosis, said he had been prescribed marijuana to alleviate leg cramps so severe that they often felt "like my muscles are tearing apart."

"Now, I can do normal things like take a walk and walk the dog.” Not freak things like gay marry the person you love. Fuggedaboutit!

What are you high or something??

Michael Phelps Sorry For Puffing Away His Future

Hey, Aqua Lung!

Steelers' victory aside, there's another story sending shockwaves through the sports world.

America's amphibious golden child Michael Phelps was caught acting like every other 23-year-old with millions of dollars and nothing to do partying at the University of South Carolina over the weekend.

There the 14-time gold medal winner tried to throw his whole life away by smoking pot at a party. Pot! In his free time! At a party! With people!

The media frenzy forced an embarrassed Phelps to apologize for his "regrettable behavior" and assure the public such poor decision-making would not happen again.

After all, the best swimmer in the world is supposed to do more than just win medals and shatter records in the Olympics, he is supposed to be the role model for all children everywhere, all the time.

Now, get back in the pool where you belong so you can stop causing trouble and start spinning gold like the nice, sweet, multimillion-making, all-American merman you are.

Making History At Beijing

Yes, We Cannabis?

Tree-hugging pothead Barry Obama's quest to turn America into one big hippie commune has revealed itself once again.

News that president-elect Barack Obama would be willing to consider some reforms to the U.S.-led war on drugs has many in the stoner community buzzing from something other than the wacko tobacco.

After all, we're pretty sure the president-elect wasn't high when he said in 2004 that the war on drugs had been "an utter failure" and that America should decriminalize pot.

Then in a July interview with Rolling Stone(r), drug fiend Barack Obama had the nerve to suggest "shifting the paradigm" from the current war on drugs to a more sensible public-health approach:

"I would start with nonviolent, first-time drug offenders. The notion that we are imposing felonies on them or sending them to prison, where they are getting advanced degrees in criminality, instead of thinking about ways like drug courts that can get them back on track in their lives -- it's expensive, it's counterproductive, and it doesn't make sense."

Earth to Barry! Since when are expensive, counterproductive and ineffective good enough reasons for considering alternative policies?