Chris Christie Vows To Reject New Jersey Gay Marriage Law Faster Than A Jenny Craig Diet

Rejoice gays and gayettes! New Jersey's Senate passed a gay marriage bill today! Now it will shimmy-shake its fabulous self on down to the State Assembly, which will pass it, because why the hell not? From there it will shake its groove thing over to the desk of New Jersey Governor of Sandwiches Fat Fattie Chris Christie, who will promptly veto it and then curse out some old ladies and Kindergarteners for his tasty after-breakfast snack.

Naturally, Democrats in the Garden State won't have the numbers to overturn Christie's veto, so the sanctity of marriage in the filthy, grease-filled shores of New Jersey will fortunately remain limited to Snooki and the bronzed Italian meathead kind enough to take her hand in both holy matrimony and while relieving herself in the back alley of some seedy bar outside Atlantic City.

Because in order to actually become legal in New Jersey, gay marriage legislation would have to accomplish what light itself cannot, which is, of course, to get around Chris Christie.

But Democrats aren't about to allow 500 lbs of redfaced blubbery obstruction stop them from celebrating their awesome, nothing-more-than-symbolic victory for equality and decency, amiright?

Fuggedaboutit!

From the Star-Ledger:

Gay marriage opponents say such a stalemate will put New Jersey’s 10-year debate on ice for a long time. Supporters, however, will treat a vote by both houses as an important milestone in a fight they will continue to wage.
“I don’t think there’s one civil rights leader in the South who thought ending segregation would be a slam dunk on the first time out,” said Assemblyman Reed Gusciora (D-Mercer), New Jersey’s first openly gay lawmaker.
Steven Goldstein, chairman of the gay rights advocacy group Garden State Equality, said the group will celebrate if it passes.
“This week’s marriage equality votes are like the World Series, the Super Bowl and a Barbra Streisand concert all wrapped up in one,” he said.

Or to phrase it in a way Chris Christie can digest, let's call it the Turducken of civil rights.

[image via Gawker]

NJ Governor Chris Christie Won't Say If He Believes In Evolution, But Admits His Deep Belief In Second Helpings

New Jersey Governor of Sandwiches, Chris (yes, I have the same name twice) Christie was either in a terrible mood, terribly hungry, or terribly confused when he mistook a reporter for a patty melt, because he practically bit her head off for asking a simple, innocent question, if he believes in evolution or the theory of creationism, during a press conference.

“That’s none of your business,” Christie snapped, because whether the democratically elected leader of your state, in this case, New Jersey, believes that Adam & Eve rode around on a pet Brontosaurus with baby Jesus in tow when the Earth was created 6,000 years ago, is clearly nothing the nosy public need concern themselves with.

Besides, Christie already answered your annoying, pesky questions at a town hall last week!

“Evolution is required teaching,” Christie said. “If there’s a certain school district that also wants to teach creationism, that’s not something we should decide in Trenton.”

So true! It should be up to Jesus Christ and maybe Mother Mary, if she isn't too busy getting knocked up by God, certainly not some obnoxious, morbidly obese governor of Snooki and The Situation.

What the hell is wrong with you people, anyway?

I mean, it's not like Christie is endorsing the belief that the Earth was created by an old bearded man in the sky thousands of years ago instead of nuclear processes caused by the rapid expansion of an extremely hot and dense state billions of years ago, or anything like that. It's more that he is simply endorsing his own presidential aspirations by pretending to be the kind of crazy, conservative wingnut the GOP can really get behind.

“I probably have little business getting myself involved in these kinds of questions,” Christie said, adding that local school boards “should be making those decisions about what curriculum is being taught in your schools.”

Like how Ronnie Reagan parted the Red Sea with nothing but a rod and unshakable faith in the trickle down deity in a heroic effort to free corporations from the shackles of government regulated slavery.

“I think it’s really a dangerous area for a governor who stands up from the top of the state to say, ‘You should teach this. You shouldn’t teach that,’ ” he said.

Except for the little fact that that's exactly what the state is supposed to do, determining precisely what kids must learn in each subject, each year, and then testing them accordingly.

Not like the actual elected leader of the state should know that or anything. Knowledge?? Ugh, talk about dangerous!

Besides, has anyone even seen his birth certificate? What the hell did Christie evolve from, anyway? KFC Double Downs & The Colonel's famous secret blend of spices?

So, Chris Christie doesn't believe in evolution, eh?? Judging by the looks of him, sounds more like evolution doesn't believe in Chris Christie!

New Jersey Just Says No to Gays, Yes to Purple Haze

Ay, New Jersey, you make us so proud (not the queer kind obvs!). It's always nice to see the land that originated electric-beach bronzed men with greasy hair and muscles bulging from skin-tight wife-beaters is keeping its priorities "straight."

Priorities like keeping those pesky hetero wannabees away from the alter and the sweet ganja a comin' in the ol' Garden State of opposite sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll.

You see, here in New Jersey, life is more than just Tony Soprano and the class and glamor that is Jersey Shore. In fact, the fine folks of Jersey believe some things in life are sacred. Like the government telling you who you can (straights) and can't marry (gays) and what kind of plants you can (weed) or can't smoke (opium).

Because New Jersey understands a few things when it comes to human decency and compassion. Like how it's only okay to discriminate against people for being gay, not for being sick.

Which is why the fine lawmakers in the Garden State have decided to protect the sanctity of marriage by prohibiting those ghastly gays from having any part in the blessed union of one piece of Jersey trash to another opposite sex piece of Jersey trash like God intended. Bada-bing!

But if you're chronically ill (ha ha chronic), you can take a puff puff of the sweet sticky icky without feeling like a no-good dirty criminal thanks to the New Jersey Legislature's measure to legalize the use of marijuana to help patients with severe illnesses like cancer, AIDS, Lou Gehrig’s disease, muscular dystrophy and multiple sclerosis.

"I'm in heaven," Nancy Fedder, a 62-year-old multiple sclerosis sufferer, said after the Senate vote. "It means I am no longer a criminal in the state of New Jersey."

Just don't do anything crazy like trying to marry Barbara, or it's back to the parole board for you Nancy!

Democratic Assemblyman Reed Gusciora, a co-sponsor of the bill who pushed for it for years, said medical marijuana can alleviate suffering and there's no evidence it increases overall drug use.

"I don't think we should make criminals out of our very sick and terminally ill," he said.

That's reserved for homos, thank you very much.

"It’s nice to finally see a day when democracy helps heal people," said Charles Kwiatkowski, 38, one of dozens of patients who rallied at the State House in support of the measure. "The M.S. Society has shown that this drug will help slow the progression of my disease. Why would I want to use anything else?"

I don't know, maybe 'cause you're gay?

"I truly believe this will become a model for other states because it balances the compassionate use of medical marijuana while limiting the number of ailments that a physician can prescribe it for," Mr. Gusciora said.

Sorry, as of now, being gay does not qualify as a disease. But rest assured, they're working on it!

Scott Ward, 26, who suffers from multiple sclerosis, said he had been prescribed marijuana to alleviate leg cramps so severe that they often felt "like my muscles are tearing apart."

"Now, I can do normal things like take a walk and walk the dog.” Not freak things like gay marry the person you love. Fuggedaboutit!

What are you high or something??

What Do Rabbis, Criminals, And Lawmakers Have In Common? New Jersey, Duh!

Move over Tony Soprano! Two mayors, two state assemblymen, five rabbis and basically every powerful person from the lovely state of New Jersey has been arrested in a sweeping FBI corruption and money laundering probe for basically turning the Garden State into a one-stop criminal enterprise. Oy!

The sordid two-year corruption and international money-laundering scandal stretching from the Jersey Shore to Brooklyn to Israel and Switzerland culminated in charges against 44 people, including most mayors, politicians and half the rabbis in Brooklyn.

The details of the vast scandal are only beginning to be sorted out, but involved the familiar "pay-to-play" scheme in which people seeking government permits handed over cash, or more accurately, a box of Apple Jacks cereal stuffed with $97,000, to obtain under-the-table approval for whatever it is they wanted to do.

Among the illustrious politicians arrested in the shake-down are Hoboken Mayor Peter Cammarano, Secaucus Mayor Denis Elwell, Jersey City Deputy Mayor Leona Baldini, Jersey City Council President Mariano Vega and two state assemblymen. Imagine how much Cammarano could have accomplished if he had been in office longer than a mere three weeks. He could've been famous! Even Blago would be jealous.

Of course, no vast criminal conspiracy would be complete without Brooklyn Jews' greatest spiritual leaders, including Saul Kassin, grand rabbi of the Syrian Jewish community in the United States and Levy-Izhak Rosenbaum, a real mensch whose decade-long hobby of trafficking in human organs helped him turn a handsome profit by convincing vulnerable people to donate their kidneys for $10,000 before flipping them for upwards of $160,000! Hey, since when is capitalism illegal in this country?

"For these defendants, corruption was a way of life," Ralph J. Marra Jr., the acting United States attorney in New Jersey said. "They existed in an ethics-free zone."

Some, like Cammarano also apparently operated in a reality-free zone.

The young mayor of Hoboken was so confident in his election chances, he boasted, "Right now, the Italians, the Hispanics, the seniors are locked down. Nothing can change that now."

"I could be, uh, indicted," he continued, "and I’m still going to win 85 to 95 percent of those populations."

Ha ha, forgeddabout! Unless you're talking about prison populations.

But look on the brightside, New Jersey--at least no one's talking about Jim McGreevey's sexual preferences (gay!) anymore.