NJ Governor Chris Christie Won't Say If He Believes In Evolution, But Admits His Deep Belief In Second Helpings

New Jersey Governor of Sandwiches, Chris (yes, I have the same name twice) Christie was either in a terrible mood, terribly hungry, or terribly confused when he mistook a reporter for a patty melt, because he practically bit her head off for asking a simple, innocent question, if he believes in evolution or the theory of creationism, during a press conference.

“That’s none of your business,” Christie snapped, because whether the democratically elected leader of your state, in this case, New Jersey, believes that Adam & Eve rode around on a pet Brontosaurus with baby Jesus in tow when the Earth was created 6,000 years ago, is clearly nothing the nosy public need concern themselves with.

Besides, Christie already answered your annoying, pesky questions at a town hall last week!

“Evolution is required teaching,” Christie said. “If there’s a certain school district that also wants to teach creationism, that’s not something we should decide in Trenton.”

So true! It should be up to Jesus Christ and maybe Mother Mary, if she isn't too busy getting knocked up by God, certainly not some obnoxious, morbidly obese governor of Snooki and The Situation.

What the hell is wrong with you people, anyway?

I mean, it's not like Christie is endorsing the belief that the Earth was created by an old bearded man in the sky thousands of years ago instead of nuclear processes caused by the rapid expansion of an extremely hot and dense state billions of years ago, or anything like that. It's more that he is simply endorsing his own presidential aspirations by pretending to be the kind of crazy, conservative wingnut the GOP can really get behind.

“I probably have little business getting myself involved in these kinds of questions,” Christie said, adding that local school boards “should be making those decisions about what curriculum is being taught in your schools.”

Like how Ronnie Reagan parted the Red Sea with nothing but a rod and unshakable faith in the trickle down deity in a heroic effort to free corporations from the shackles of government regulated slavery.

“I think it’s really a dangerous area for a governor who stands up from the top of the state to say, ‘You should teach this. You shouldn’t teach that,’ ” he said.

Except for the little fact that that's exactly what the state is supposed to do, determining precisely what kids must learn in each subject, each year, and then testing them accordingly.

Not like the actual elected leader of the state should know that or anything. Knowledge?? Ugh, talk about dangerous!

Besides, has anyone even seen his birth certificate? What the hell did Christie evolve from, anyway? KFC Double Downs & The Colonel's famous secret blend of spices?

So, Chris Christie doesn't believe in evolution, eh?? Judging by the looks of him, sounds more like evolution doesn't believe in Chris Christie!

New Alabama Governor Wants To Know Who's Your Daddy? (Hint: If It Doesn't Rhyme With Reese's, You're A Bastard No One Loves!)

Governor-elect of everyone's favorite backwater blemish on the nation Alabama (where else?) Robert Bentley decided to honor Martin Luther King Jr. Day by giving a speech at the very Dexter Avenue King Memorial Baptist Church where the late civil rights leader Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. was once pastor himself!

Oooh, how beautiful! How historic! How totally un-Alabama like!

It started out promising enough, too, with Bentley saying all the right things to make a person feel all warm 'n cuddly (and not even about-to-be-strung-up-in-a-tree) inside.

Bentley began by telling the crowd it was important for Alabamians ''that we love and care for each other."

''You know, (for) a lot of people, it's hard to trust a Republican governor," Bentley said. ''Let me tell you. I want to tell you today that I promise you that I'm going to do everything I can for everybody in this state."

"I was elected as a Republican candidate. But once I became governor ... I became the governor of all the people. I intend to live up to that. I am color blind."

Ah yes, but does that include Crimson, good sir??

Hmm, go on?

"There may be some people here today who do not have living within them the Holy Spirit," Bentley said.

Umm, guilty as charged?

''But if you have been adopted in God's family like I have, and like you have if you're a Christian and if you're saved, and the Holy Spirit lives within you just like the Holy Spirit lives within me, then you know what that makes? It makes you and me brothers. And it makes you and me brother and sister."

Hooray! One big happy (inbred) family! Yay, my 'Bama bros 'n hos! Haha, jk Jesus, don't worry!

But then things got slightly strange, even by freaky Southern fried Alabama standards.

''Now I will have to say that, if we don't have the same daddy, we're not brothers and sisters. So anybody here today who has not accepted Jesus Christ as their savior, I'm telling you, you're not my brother and you're not my sister, and I want to be your brother."

Wait, but I thought everyone in Alabama was already brother and sister!

Um, OK! But still, the speech was totally all about brotherhood and unity. The brotherhood of white knights in white robes and white hoods on horseback, and the unity of everyone forcibly converting to Christianity, I guess!

Asked later if he meant to be insulting to people of other faiths, Bentley replied, ''We're not trying to insult anybody."

Well, except Jews, Muslims, Hindus, Buddhists, Atheists, & all other Godless heretics condemned to burn in raging hellfire for all eternity.

So, umm go Bentley!?

The Rolls Royce of racist redneck gubnors from piss-poor, ass backwards, red-headed stepchild states no one pays attention to until it goes and does something weird and racist and well, all Alabama-ey.

Roll Tide, y'all!

You Know What They Say About GOP Candidates Who Use Big Fonts To Fake A Jobs Plan...

Let's say you're a Republican candidate somewhere in America, like say, maybe Wisconsin, for instance, and  unemployment is rampant because the actual 'middle class' heart of our economy has died, forever, plus you stand for "small government" or whatever, so you can't actually propose anything, but you still need to talk about jobs because in America's heartland, jobs come first! Right after the Packers and cheeseheads, of course!

So what do you do, Wisconsin GOP gubernatorial candidate Scott Walker? What do you about that?

Why, you create "SCOTT WALKER’S 68-PAGE JOBS PLAN!" in all caps, with an exclamation point for emphasis!

And that's not it, my friends! Since you need to not only match, but beat your Democratic opponents' 67-page normal-sized font jobs plan, you obviously decide to release a, wait for it, 68-page plan, with the font size set to Mike Huckabee's old waist line, which is like infinity times better!

Nevermind fuddy-duddy Democratic things like actual details or ideas. Who needs those when you have "three pages of talking points stretched across 68 pages," with the letters blown up to a ridiculous size 10-million font?? Certainly not Scott Walker!

Let's take a look-see at some of Mr. Walker's brilliant plan to create jobs by producing a document seemingly designed for the elderly, legally blind, or retarded people:

Naturally, priority number one is to abolish all taxes, which can easily be done by the a single, incomplete, phrase stretched across an entire page, "We must lower the heavy tax burden that prevents businesses from investing in..."  Duh! This much is obvious!

Scott Walker apparently also wants to nuke Wisconsin. Which can be a great way to create jobs, such as funeral directors, roadside cleanup crews for body removal and other scattered debris, firefighters to put out the soon-to-be raging, nuclear-fueled conflagrations, and even scientists and researchers to help develop new treatments for chemical burns and/or various work-related complications, like birth defects, physical disfigurement, and increased numbers of depression, anxiety, and other ailments associated with severe mental stress. Hooray!

Oh yeah, and thanks to his 68 page-PDF-equivalent of having an insane, old person scream in your ear for an hour, "SCOTT WALKER!" is also waaaaaay ahead in the polls, so umm, go Wisconsin!?

Like Mother, Like Son: Meg Whitman's Offspring Also Under Fire For Beating Up A Girl, Hooray!

Billionaire ex-eBay CEO Meg Whitman, who for some reason spent $71 million of her own vast fortune to win the GOP primary for the utterly unwanted job of California Governor, is naturally "qualified" for the position because of her very important work selling assorted crap to the world via the Internets for a while.

But that's not it! Magnificent Margaret also has the exact temperament a person could want for their esteemed state leader, including a wonderfully short-fuse and proclivity for flying into violent rages over trivial things like cartoon computer games for people who hope their "Second Life" fares a tad better than the pathetic, miserable existence known as their "Actual Life."

Even better than flying into blind rages and spontaneously attacking frightened subordinates (then paying li'l six-figure settlements to shut the stupid Asian bitch up), is passing this awesome inability to control one's furious temper on to the rest of the storied Whitman clan, including her two notoriously delinquent sons, Griff and Will Harsh (whose surnames are not in the least bit ironic!).

Well Mama Meg should be beaming with maternal pride over the wonderful news that her eldest son Griffith Rutherford Harsh V is following in the family's footsteps with his first felony battery charge for breaking a woman's ankle after the stupid bitch said some terrible, MEANY comment about his favoritest Princeton fraternity.

A 22-year-old woman named Valerie Sanchez was riding a bus to Palo Alto's Blue Chalk Cafe on the night of May 26, 2006 when she crossed paths with Griffith Rutherford Harsh V, Meg's eldest son and a notoriously delinquent drunkard sophomore at Princeton at the time.

According to a police report filed later that night, Sanchez and her friends had mocked his fraternity and said "fuck you" and "fuck your fraternity" to him before Sanchez swiped Griff's baseball cap off his head. The altercation escalated when both parties arrived at Blue Chalk Cafe. According to Valerie's statement to the police, they were inside the bar when Griff "pushed" her "with two open hands on her chest and shoulder area." She fell down and felt her right ankle "snap." A nearby security guard witnessed the event and corroborated Valerie's version of the events.

Sadly, the police did not buy Griff's airtight "version" of the incident, and the 6'1", 195-lb. Griffith was charged with felony battery, with the paperwork from his arrest identifying him as "clean shaven" white man with a "hair style" of "punk." And we can only assume, with a 'tude of gangsta, no doubt!

But even badass mofos like Griff need mommy's help from time to time!

The next morning, Meg Whitman, Griff's mother and then the CEO of eBay, posted Griff's $25,000 bail with a cashier's check and brought her son home. Nine court dates followed over the next year, but the charges were ultimately dismissed, although it's unclear why. (Why, there could be BILLION$ of reasons!)

Of course, this wasn't Junior's first run-in with the law. The infamous Blue Chalk Cafe brawl, where Griff beat up a chick, occurred after his sophomore year at elitist, arugula-eating Princeton. Though originally a member of the class of 2008, Griff ended up graduating in 2009 after a year-long disciplinary probation, ironically including a ban from the snazzy $30M residential complex mother dearest so generously built.

Boys will be boys!

Good thing Meggy didn't register to vote until seven years ago because "she was focused on raising a family..."

Time, apparently, well spent!

Just look at the upstanding pillars of society Meg so skillfully reared from cradle to classy young delinquents who get tossed out of Princeton eating establishments for throwing alcohol and racial epithets every which way.

From the campus rag The Nassau Weekly:

Overheard at Charter [eating club]
Griff Harsh (Meg Whitman's son) throws beer in Guy's face.
Guy: You can't do that to people.
Griff Harsh (points at himself): Billionaire.

And let's not forgot the also-famous exploits of younger brother Will, who much like older bro Griff (and let's not forget mama Meg!), is well-schooled in the ways of acting like an out-of-control douchebag, who has no use for the word consequence since that is only for poor losers like me and you, not rich, spoiled billionaires like he and Griff.

Griff's non-refundable membership to Cottage [eating club] was paid in full when he got suspended. So some of the officers would let Will attend some meals and formals events in his brother's place until Will got banned from there.

The story goes that Will yelled "what are all these niggers doing here?" one night when all the members of the Black Arts Company where there to celebrate a show they had performed. Cottage is know as one of the whiter clubs on campus so I assume that he was shocked to see so many black people there in a night. He was already on notice with Cottage officers because of an altercation he started with a bouncer early in the year.

Well raise 'em she sure did! But now that her sons are all growd up, and have put their beer-guzzling, prep-school expelled, drunken, racist, hell-raising past of privileged little consequence behind them, Meg Whitman is now free to help rear the good people of California back from the brink of financial ruin and once again wreak havoc on meek, tech-savvy Asian underlings throughout the Golden State.

Hasta la vista, Ahnold, there's a new Governator in town!

Oh, and a word to the wise, no matter what happens, always remember, you "fell down the stairs," capisce?

The Freakin' Awesome Corruption Trial Of Hot Rod Blagojevich, In 140 Golden Words Or Less!

It's been 18 loooong months since insane lego-haired criminal ex-governor of Illinois, Hot Rod Blagojevich, was busted for being the actual insane lego-haired criminal governor and, boy is Blago ready to get back in the ol' spotlight to finally show the good people of IL-na-na, no make that the world, how a sweet, innocent lamb like him could be so horrifyingly misconstrued and wrongly accused of doing all these sleazy, terrible things!

He's been soooo excited for his sweet federal corruption trial to finally begin that he's been tweetin' and talk showin' about it since like, forever. Or at least since unleashing Roland Burris on the poor, unsuspecting masses in one final "f**k you" to The Man.

In fact, Blago (and his swooping mane) is so stoked about the chance to clear his freakin’ golden name that Roddy can hardly contain himself, practically jumping out of his seat waiting for his big moment to shine!

So much so that Judge James Zagel not only had to ban the moron from tweeting asinine 140 character proclamations of his innocence from the court room, but “admonished him to avoid making any facial or other expressions during proceedings, which he had been doing, much to the annoyance of jurors and prosecutors," and anyone not sharing his belief that the Earth rotates not around the sun, but around a Serbian sleazebag who somehow duped Illinois voters into thinking an actual brain, not dense hot air, existed beneath that signature thick coif.

An honest mistake!

But the real question is why is Rod Blagojevich suddenly so obsessed with something other than himself? And not just any something, but a ridiculous social networking site that is basically glorified text messaging on the Internets for tweens, teenyboppers, a bright orange Jersey shore dwarf named Snooki, and of course, every esteemed member of the hip-hop Republican Party!

Perhaps Illinois' disgraced crime boss governor knows something the rest of us losers do not, like how communicating with the public via 140-character one-liners is a sure-fire way to win over the hearts and minds of the American people, and expose its obviously very flawed system of justice?

Rod Blagojevich, due back in federal court today for his corruption trial, meanwhile, has posted 11 tweets since joining the site May 31, with a characteristic how-do-you-do: "Please follow on Twitter for the latest updates. I am innocent and look forward to clearing my name."

Blagojevich's Florida-based publicist, Glenn Selig, said that [wife] Patti is tweeting from her own phone while Selig is doing the actual posting for Rod. The former governor isn't quite up to speed yet, but Selig says he's getting "more and more into technology since he got into the show."

What can I say? He's a fly-by-the-seat-of-his-pants type of guy. I mean, the dude really didn't know the first thing about running a state before becoming governor, and that wasn't too hard to figure out, now was it? All you have to do is swear a lot, try to sell anything not tied down (freakin' golden senate seats included), and loot your entire state's funds en route to enjoying a nice, long vacation where they even give you your own nice pair of striped pajamas, free of charge!

Talk about first-class service!

Another really awesome idea is to refuse to act like an adult, for even one minute, during your corruption trial on racketeering, conspiracy, wire fraud, attempted extortion, perjury and countless other criminal charges, and instead make wacky, funny faces and blurt out whatever idiot nonsense pops into your thickly-covered (possibly rat-infested) head during testimony.

It also really helps if you spend every waking moment since your arrest charming the pants off America on every radio, teevee, and/or circus side show lucky enough to score a little prime Blago time. Ya know, someone as smart and talented as Rod Blagojevich to do Elvis impersonations and really endear themselves to the public, showing the good people of the U.S. of A., the kind of stand-up guy you really are.

Why, you'll have 'em in stitches all the way to your next big gig downstate!

For like the next 20 or so years, at least!

Just enough time to plan his next Blago-riffic bestseller: Big Hair, Big Balls, Big Dreams: From The Big House To The White House, The Incredible True Life Story of America's (Second) Favorite Puffy Haired, Disgraced Governor, Hot Rod Blagojevich.

With a special forward from the original, beautifully coiffed, half-term queen herself, $arah Barracuda Palin!

Oh, you freakin' betcha!

Like A Fine Wine, Rick Perry's Complex Nutty Tones Ripen With Age

Texas Two-Step: Right, Righter, Rightest

Everything's bigger in Texas, including the level of insanity in this year's GOP primary, with incumbent Governor and current beautifully-coiffed captain of the runaway Republican crazy train Rick Perry locked in a bloody battle against boring, old, Socialist health care lovin' Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchinson and surprise, new spicy teabag o' freedom, certifiable lunatic Debra Medina, who is in no way a dirty Mexican like her name would suggest. In fact, she'd like to round up the whole smelly lot and ship 'em off somewhere terrible like the Godless North.

Sure, no one has a job, health care, or even four walls and roof to call their own, but here in the great state of Texas, residents care about important, everyday things like seceding the hell out of this terrible Union, keeping creationism in our schools (none of that crazy monkey theory!), and of course figuring out which evil conspirator, be it gay, Jew, or public servant, is really responsible for the terrorist attacks of 9/11.

Ah yes, the furious fight for the future of the Grand Old Party in Grand Old Texas is quickly turning into a spectacle of Jerry Springer proportion, with Perry, Hutchinson, and Medusa Medina battling it out in a no-holds barred battle between the dapper, well-groomed far-right, the boring, sensible center-right, and the crackhead Wingnut-right, respectively, for the oversized heart of the confederacy, the one and only Republic of Texas.

But when the dust settles and the blazing sun sinks low on the horizon, which of these contenders will rise in glorious victory to become the next double-sized, extra thick toast of Texas?

Front-runner, incumbent Gov. Slick Rick Perry is already the longest-serving governor in Texas history, having inherited the post as a goodbye gift from that other Texas stud George W. Bush after he was democratically elected(?) to bring his savvy brand of law and order (like executing retarded people) to the cesspool of liberalism and homosexuality known as mainland U.S.A.

Of course, Perry wasn't always riding high atop the decaffeinated, spice 'n herb wave of hysteria sweeping across the Texas Plains. In fact, he was actually losing to his bleeding-heart rival Kay Bailey Hutchinson before cementing his status as the new folk hero of the right by flirting with such fan favorites as scramming the hell out of this God-awful union and ensuring the good Lone Star boys 'n gals continue to set the standard in education with their sound, scientific belief that "humans and dinosaurs lived at the same time" and healthy skepticism of such liberal hullabaloo as "humans developed from earlier species." (Unless of course 'humans' really means women and 'earlier species' is another way of saying Adam's rib).

Which brings us to Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchinson, whose fiscal conservatism coupled with a centrist approach to social issues like abortion, helped make her among the most popular political figures in the state. That is, until the great Tea Revolution of 2008, when throngs of uneducated men and women wearing 'Jesus Saves' t-shirts collectively lost their minds over the ominous black takeover of the once-pure White House, and Miss Kay Bailey suddenly found herself as electable as a homo-friendly, Christ-killing, Jewish cowboy singer-gone-Independent by the name of Kinky Friedman.

Despite endorsements from such conservative Lone Star luminaries as George and Barbara Bush and former Vice President Dick Cheney (kiss of death?), the 66-year-old senior senator Kay Bailey Hutchinson's fate as an elite Washington insider with wacky new-age ideas like a woman's right to choose and the evolution of man was effectively sealed, along with any and all chance of moving into the Governor's mansion.

Then, there is dark horse teabag darling, nurse-turned-nut, Debra Medina, whose gun-crazed, Jesus-obsessed, bloody secessionist war-cryin', anti-government, immigrant, gay, and non-white male hostile rhetoric enabled her to slip into the tiny vacuum that existed to Perry's right.

Of course, the fact that the woman is clinically insane and proudly aligns herself with 9/11 Truthers, Dentist-Realtor-Attorney Orly Taitz's Birthers crew, and the freakshow Oath Keepers is no problem to the good ol' boys in Texas. Until she made the unforgivable mistake of finding herself on the wrong side of Glenn Beck's good graces during an on-air confrontation and thus on the wrong side of Right.

The Right side of which just so happens to come in the form of the only non-elitist, Washington outsider INCUMBENT governor Rick "Yes, you can be conservative and metrosexual" Perry, whose fearless re-election crusade against the federal government's "oppressive interference with the affairs of our state" apparently does not include the roughly $67 billion (or 37 percent of all Texas state funds) that actually come from said socialist federal government.

Only charismatic black comrade's-in-chief who somehow weaseled their skinny, illegal li'l behinds right to the top of it.

Much like the first War of Northern Aggression.

South Carolina Lt. Gov. André Bauer Doesn't Think We Should Feed Animals Like Poor School Children

André Bauer, the allegedly heterosexual lieutenant governor of South Carolina (the other governor was too busy having the good kind of extramarital sex--hetero, that is--to run the state) doesn't believe in a few things, namely being honest about his total gayness and also giving handouts to every poor, pathetic pov who crosses his holier-than-thou path.

Lt. Gov. André Bauer, who is running for the Republican nomination for governor, made his remarks during a town hall meeting in Fountain Inn that included state lawmakers and about 115 residents.

"My grandmother was not a highly educated woman, but she told me as a small child to quit feeding stray animals. You know why? Because they breed. You’re facilitating the problem if you give an animal or a person ample food supply. They will reproduce, especially ones that don't think too much further than that. And so what you've got to do is you've got to curtail that type of behavior. They don’t know any better," Bauer said.

Bauer later told The Greenville News he wasn't saying people on government assistance "were animals or anything else."

Far from it! Just because these vile, mindless vermin without the ability to pay for themselves are a pox on society doesn't mean we should cast them off to die cold and alone in some abandoned warehouse on the side of the road. Not at all!

After all, he is a compassionate man who simply doesn't believe in free lunch. Literally! Or reduced-price lunch for that matter. As granny used to say, before Obama slaughtered her, if ya can't pay full price, get yer ass out the kitchen!

I mean let's get real here people! In South Carolina, 58 percent of students (aka rodents, vermin, and feral cats) depend on the free and reduced-price lunch program, which may seem like a good idea, but is really just another fancy-shmancy liberal name for a mouse trap.

Trust André, he knows.

"You go to a school where there's an active participation of parents, and guess what? They have the highest test scores. So what do you do? You say, 'Look folks, if you receive goods or services from the government and you don't attend a parent-teacher conference, bam, you lose your benefits.'"

You see, parent-teacher conferences are like kill shelters where mangy street walkers go to be put out of their misery and relieve the rest of us from the burden of having to look at such societal disgraces. Which is exactly why these parents must be forced to attend such things!

Accountability, responsibility, and all that other good stuff leaders talk about, usually before getting caught using state money to fund their wild sex romps through the Appalachian Trail to extramarital sex and messy divorce proceedings.

Bauer is just trying to help make the world a better place for our children and our children's children and their children and everyone's children who aren't dumb and poor like all those ratty kids living in his home state.

"So how do you fix it? Well you say, 'Look, if you receive goods or services from the government, then you owe something back'...We don't make you take a drug test. We ought to. We don't even make you show up to your child's parent-teacher conference meeting or to the PTA meeting."

"We're going to have to do things like that. We can't afford to keep just giving money away to people who don't have to do a thing."

You go André! Spread the word about how contrary to popular opinion, welfare isn't all the glamorous, high rollin', pimpin' lifestyle of the rich and famous that most people think.

That way, maybe they'll finally get their asses off the hamster wheel known as welfare and join the great rat race known as life by picking themselves up by their own two hind legs for a change.

Then, only after they earn it themselves, can you in good faith throw crumbles of moldy cheese at their terrified, malnourished feet.

GOP: Meaningless Wins In VA, NJ Prove Obama Should Immediately Resign

Last month, I told you all about Robert F. "Bob" McDonnell and the skeleton in his closet coming in the form of a 93-page master’s thesis written when Bob was a wee 34-year-old evangelical grad student trying to find his place among the "cohabitators," "homosexuals," "fornicators," "working women," "feminists," "abortionists" and the rest of the heathens responsible for this cesspool of sin clogging America's moral judgment.

Fast forward to Nov. 3 2009, when this nice, God-fearing man has managed to push this decades-old pile o' bones college-ruled papers back in the storage closet behind all the old linens and photo-albums and handily defeat Democratic challenger Creigh Deeds to assume his rightful place as the new Governor of Virginia. Wooohooo!

This means that Virginia can finally break free from the Socialist grip of last year's terrible NObama disaster after 44 fabulous years of Republican domination in the state, a period nostalgically known in GOP circles as Pax Virginia.

And with GOP victories of any kind not exactly easy to come by these days, you can be sure the Republicans weren't about to pass up the chance to prove they're not just the party of centenarians, secessionists, and off-the-hook chairmen.

"These significant victories speak to the fantastic campaigns run by Republicans across the Commonwealth and the voters’ clear rejection of liberal tax and spend policies that Washington Democrats are trying to force on Americans," Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele said.

House Minority Whip and runner-up in the Republican inappropriate behavior contest Eric Cantor (R-Va.) managed to pry himself away from the Twitter app on his blackberry to congratulate McDonnell supporters on sending a clear message to national politicians (in more than 140 characters): "Enough with the incredible reach of government into our lives."

"Bob McDonnell has led us to victory after eight dark years in the wilderness...You know what's so great: Bob ran a great campaign, but it was also a positive campaign."

Meaning the Republicans didn't even have to resort to their usual playbook of lying, manipulating and deceiving their way into power. Yay!

Conservative Party candidate and third-wheel surprise in New York's 23rd Congressional District, Doug Hoffman is hoping this GOPmentum extends to his campaign to return Congress to responsible, conservative hands.

"Hopefully the Republican party, of which I’m a lifelong member, utilizes this energy and excitement of people coming to my support because we’ll need it in 2010," he said. "We’re just standing up for the core values that made America strong — less government, less taxes, less spending."

Ah yes, the very definition of George W. Bush's eight year reign, bringing prosperity and peace throughout the land.

Or at least to the 1,600 acres on his Crawford, Texas ranch.

Governors Gone Wild

Governor Hall of Shame

Get a hold of yourselves, governors! Is this any way for a state leader to act? Remember, you were elected to represent your states, not humiliate them by acting like a circus sideshow routine. At this rate, America is in serious jeopardy of having its vaunted political system turn into one bad afterschool special on Lifetime. And it's all thanks to these esteemed members o America's Governor Hall of Shame!

First, we have our most recent inductee, South Carolina governor Mark Sanford, whose innocent hiking trip on the Appalachian Trail took him 4,797 miles away into the tanned arms of his Latina lover in Buenos Aires. If only he hadn't turned down Obama's stimulus package! Then maybe he could've afforded a new map.

Next we have dear Alaskan princess Sarah Palin, whose experience as governor is rivaled only by her skill in picking fights with whoever she can about nothing at all. Not done taking out that sick pedophile David Letterman for his late night assault on her precious, not-impregnated daughter Willow, Mama Bear Sarah Palin has turned her fangs on another despicable spewer of hate, Linda Kellen Biegel, a blogger who goes by the name Celtic Diva.

You see Miss Diva thinks it's hilarious to photoshop an image of conservative Alaskan radio host Eddie Burke onto a photo of conservative Alaskan governor Sarah Palin cradling son Trig, not to suggest an overly close relationship between Miss Palin and Mr. Burke, but because she hates special-needs children. Especially Alaskan special-needs babies with funny names. They make her sick!

Which brings us to the Big Apple. Soon after New York's perfect gentleman of a governor Eliot Spitzer aka "Client #9" admitted to enjoying a few romps with a high-class prostitute using state funds, his legally blind replacement Lt. Gov. David Paterson assured the fine citizens of NY not to worry, because his days of messing around on his wife and snorting lines in dingy motels are over. I mean he hasn't even touched marijuana since the late '70s! The guy's a real class act, overshadowed only by the coif of our next esteemed governor's shiny, dark mane.

Hot-Rod Blagojevich: The Man, The Mystery, the Hair! Not to be outdone by his fellow gubernatorial gems, this one-time leader of Illinois has secured his own rightful place in the history books of humiliation. Not content just selling Barack Obama's bleepin' golden senate seat to the highest bidder or running the state like a crazed, lego-haired crime boss, Blago's bizarre trip to shameful obscurity included a whirlwind media tour where he compared himself to Gandhi, got noogied by Joy Behar and the gals on the View, and proclaimed his freakin' innocence to whoever was listening. Just to show what a stand-up kind of criminal guy he is, he also gave us Roland Burris, free of charge! Thanks Blago!

So who will be next to grace the hallowed halls of America's fallen political leaders? And what will they do to get there? Current odds are 3-to-1 on secessionist leader Rick Perry of Texas for eloping with a Mexican immigrant he accidentally knocked up while building a border fence designed to prevent this type of thing from happening. Oh the irony!

Republicans Cry Un-Kosher! Will Bring Home The Bacon Anyway

Some brave Republican governors are risking it all to take a stand against Comrade Barry and his $787 billion Socialist stimulus bill to ruin America.

These true American heroes have had enough of his pork-filled spendulus package and are threatening to reject the money available for education, health care and infrastructure in their states. Now that takes courage.

The kind of courage that puts conservative ideology far ahead of the needs of struggling, everyday Americans. So what if their states face some of the most crushing budget deficits, soaring unemployment, and staggering foreclosure rates in the entire country?

These patriotic governors face an even bigger obstacle. Like how to put their own political aspirations (Can you say White House 2012?) ahead of the needs of their states...without looking like a total Dick Cheney.

Luckily, there's a way to continue criticizing Obama's bloated, irresponsible national spending spree while secretly thanking sweet Jesus for giving their broke-a** states some money. Just ask South Carolina governor Mark Sanford. He'll tell you.

"I think the problem that was created with too much debt will never be solved by adding yet more debt. I think there are a number of wrinkles that have caused a number of us to say 'Wait a minute, let's take a long look at whether or not this really makes sense for our state.'"

Still, Sanford said he would accept the funds.

"Being against it doesn't preclude taking the money."

Of course it doesn't. The same way it doesn't make you a hypocrite either.

Well, Maybe Just This Much