Hot Rod Blagojevich's (Pre) Jailhouse Rock Performance

Forgotten hairball Rod Blagojevich really wanted to go to the Costa Rican jungle to eat bugs with his lovely wife Patti on the hit short-lived reality show "I'm a Celebrity ... Get me Out of Here!" but some stupid federal judge wouldn't let him just because he tried to sell a friggin' golden senate seat to make a little dough while serving the fine people of Illinois. So what, who cares?

Well, multi-talented Mr. Blagojevich knows how to do a few things other than shaking down Children's Hospitals and styling hair. He knows what the people want and he's not afraid to give it to them. And what they want is more Rod Blagojevich!

So before shamefully heading to the dustbins of political history as the Lego-haired embarrassment he is, Hot Rod Blagojevich gave the world the final star-making performance it'd been waiting for. A true Blago original, this time in honor of his coif-sharing idol: the one, the only, Sir Elvis Presley (Al Capone was close though).

Hell, he loves performing so much he'd do it even if he wasn't paid. Which he was. But he might give some of the money to a charity for cancer patients. Maybe. If they're really lucky he just might throw in those luscious brown locks. Free of charge.

Lack Of Funds, Credibility Dooms Sen. Roland Burris' Re-Election Hopes

Barack Obama's legendary replacement, Sen. Roland "No Taint" Burris, will NOT be running for re-election in 2010, keeping his streak of never being legitimately elected to the U.S. Senate alive and well. Go Roland!

Although Burris has yet to announce his decision publicly, one can only assume it may have something to do with the fact that he was appointed by Illinois' lego-haired crime boss, former Gov. "Hot" Rod Blagojevich as a final "F you" before ditching the pinstriped suit and governor's mansion for striped pajamas and steel bars.

Or the fact that everyone in the state pretty much thinks he's a slime ball like his friend Blago, have repeatedly called for his resignation, and wouldn't elect him to run a marathon let alone a senate seat, had he not been shoved down their throats by a soon-to-be forgotten hairball with a funny name.

Poor Roland tried his hardest, but alas his inability to raise campaign funds proved to be more than even a pint-sized hurricane like Burris could handle. But on the bright side, at least he earned another notch on his personal tribute to himself, The Roland Burris Tombstone of political heroes and Illinois legends.

He's the one next to Abraham Lincoln.

Governors Gone Wild

Governor Hall of Shame

Get a hold of yourselves, governors! Is this any way for a state leader to act? Remember, you were elected to represent your states, not humiliate them by acting like a circus sideshow routine. At this rate, America is in serious jeopardy of having its vaunted political system turn into one bad afterschool special on Lifetime. And it's all thanks to these esteemed members o America's Governor Hall of Shame!

First, we have our most recent inductee, South Carolina governor Mark Sanford, whose innocent hiking trip on the Appalachian Trail took him 4,797 miles away into the tanned arms of his Latina lover in Buenos Aires. If only he hadn't turned down Obama's stimulus package! Then maybe he could've afforded a new map.

Next we have dear Alaskan princess Sarah Palin, whose experience as governor is rivaled only by her skill in picking fights with whoever she can about nothing at all. Not done taking out that sick pedophile David Letterman for his late night assault on her precious, not-impregnated daughter Willow, Mama Bear Sarah Palin has turned her fangs on another despicable spewer of hate, Linda Kellen Biegel, a blogger who goes by the name Celtic Diva.

You see Miss Diva thinks it's hilarious to photoshop an image of conservative Alaskan radio host Eddie Burke onto a photo of conservative Alaskan governor Sarah Palin cradling son Trig, not to suggest an overly close relationship between Miss Palin and Mr. Burke, but because she hates special-needs children. Especially Alaskan special-needs babies with funny names. They make her sick!

Which brings us to the Big Apple. Soon after New York's perfect gentleman of a governor Eliot Spitzer aka "Client #9" admitted to enjoying a few romps with a high-class prostitute using state funds, his legally blind replacement Lt. Gov. David Paterson assured the fine citizens of NY not to worry, because his days of messing around on his wife and snorting lines in dingy motels are over. I mean he hasn't even touched marijuana since the late '70s! The guy's a real class act, overshadowed only by the coif of our next esteemed governor's shiny, dark mane.

Hot-Rod Blagojevich: The Man, The Mystery, the Hair! Not to be outdone by his fellow gubernatorial gems, this one-time leader of Illinois has secured his own rightful place in the history books of humiliation. Not content just selling Barack Obama's bleepin' golden senate seat to the highest bidder or running the state like a crazed, lego-haired crime boss, Blago's bizarre trip to shameful obscurity included a whirlwind media tour where he compared himself to Gandhi, got noogied by Joy Behar and the gals on the View, and proclaimed his freakin' innocence to whoever was listening. Just to show what a stand-up kind of criminal guy he is, he also gave us Roland Burris, free of charge! Thanks Blago!

So who will be next to grace the hallowed halls of America's fallen political leaders? And what will they do to get there? Current odds are 3-to-1 on secessionist leader Rick Perry of Texas for eloping with a Mexican immigrant he accidentally knocked up while building a border fence designed to prevent this type of thing from happening. Oh the irony!

Judge Rules Against Sending Forgotten Hairball Rod Blagojevich To Costa Rican Jungle

In a slap in the face to decent Americans across the country, a federal judge in Chicago denied forgotten hairball Rod Blagojevich's insane request to travel to Costa Rica to participate in a reality TV show called "I'm a Celebrity ... Get me Out of Here!"

Calling it a "bad idea" to modify Blagojevich's bail terms to allow the puffy-haired, federally-indicted former crime boss governor to travel outside the U.S., federal Judge James Zagel effectively dashed the public's hopes of getting rid of the bumbling moron for at least a few precious weeks in June.

While Judge Zagel sympathized with Blago's financial woes, he said there were "other ways for the ousted Gov. to earn money," other than putting insects, worms and rats in his pants, sitting in a tank of leeches and wading through snake and eel-filled swamps in the Costa Rican jungles for the chance to earn $123,250, if voters can stand looking at Mr. Lego head for the full 12-episodes.

Before this morning's hearing, Rod Gandhi Blagojevich told reporters he wanted to participate in the reality show as "a way to earn a living and support my children."

"It's not my first choice, but it's a living," he said.

I mean what the bleeping hell does a guy gotta do to earn a little friggin' dough around here, anyway?

Illinois' Two-Front War Against Slimy Politicians, Sucky Quarterbacks

The state of Illinois is working hard to clean up its reputation as a teeming cesspool of corrupt politicians and dumpy quarterbacks with one-syllable names starting with the letter R.

On the same day that insane, Lego-haired former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich was handed a 19-count indictment on charges he engaged in a "wide-ranging scheme to deprive the people of Illinois of honest government," the Chicago Bears announced their acquisition of Broncos quarterback Jay Cutler amid charges they engaged in a wide-ranging scheme to deprive the people of Illinois of a winning football team.

Unfortunately, Mr. Hot Rod Blagojevich was not in town to hear the news of either the Bears' blockbuster trade or his imminent incarceration for all the bleeping golden things he did while running the governor's office like some cheap Al Capone knockoff with Helen Keller as a hair stylist.

He is with his lovely wife Patti and two daughters on a much-needed vacation to Walt Disney World. Sure, the kids love it. But for some reason, Rod's always felt right at home in the Magic Kingdom. There's just something about Mickey and Minny that he can really relate to.

Hey, Who You Callin' A Rat?

This One's Got Pulitzer Written All Over It!

Ca-ching! Since selling that senate seat didn't really pan out, forgotten hairball Rod Blagojevich is finally cashing in with a new six-figure deal for his tell-all book "exposing the dark side of politics."

Phoenix Books has agreed to pay Blago a cool $100,000 to pen his thrilling tale The Governor even though it will "reveal information that at times will be embarrassing to himself as well as to others."

Embarrassing?? Well, that shouldn't be too much of a problem for our old pal Blagojevich. I mean you can't be embarrassed if you never had any dignity in the first place, right?

Besides, you'd have to be crazy to pass up a bleeping golden opportunity like this!

Another 10,000 Reasons Why Roland "No Taint" Burris Deserves To Be Senator

Oh no! Turns out Sen. Roland "No Taint" Burris' nomination to the Senate may have been slightly less squeaky clean than previously thought. Which comes as a real shocker considering he was appointed to the bleeping golden thing by someone as moral and upstanding as Mr. "Hot" Rod Blagojevich.

So what if Burris conveniently forgot to disclose that former Gov. Blagojevich's brother solicited $10,000 in cash from him for Rod's campaign funds before he was appointed to the senate seat? I mean it's not like he was hiding it or anything.

It's just that he was was not "given the opportunity to disclose the facts during the impeachment committee hearings,” because he was too busy defending himself against the racist senate and telling his umbrella holder where to stand.

Yes, That's The Spot

Game Over For Illinois' Favorite Lego-Haired Crime Boss

In what was no doubt a stunning conclusion to the two-month trainwreck known as Rod Blagojevich's political career, the Illinois Senate unanimously voted 59-0 to immediately turn the esteemed Gov. into just another Mr. with a bad mouth and even worse hair style.

The conviction gives Mr. Blagojevich the wonderful distinction of being the first U.S. governor in more than 20 years to be removed by impeachment. Not to mention, the only IL governor to be ousted from a state that has seen four of its governors indicted on corruption charges since 1968. Quite a feat, my friend!

But don't think this is the end for Illinois' fearless crusader of justice. You don't get stripped of a bleeping golden thing like the governor's office and just quietly walk away with your dignity in tact to go prepare for the upcoming criminal trial you will also likely lose.

No, no, no. You continue to embarrass yourself, family, and every citizen of humanity on your farewell sojourn to join the rest of America in the unemployment line.

There, you will have plenty of time to plot your next fool-proof strategy to win over the hearts of Illinois citizens (and potential jurors) and show what an honest, decent, straight-shooting guy you really are.

If you play your cards right, you just might be able to get Drew Peterson on the stand as a character witness. Can you say trump card?

Blago Freak-Show Express To Derail At Senate Trial After All!

In case you haven't gotten enough of insane governor Rod Blagojevich's awkward road tour across America, fear not, because the freak-show express has come back home.

Yes, Illinois' own hero governor returns to bravely face lawmakers on the last of his three-day impeachment trial to deliver his closing remarks in a stunning senate showdown.

A surprising departure from the governor's previous winning strategy of boycotting the hearings to get noogied by Joy Behar on The View and act like a potty-mouthed buffoon for 48 consecutive hours on primetime TV.

But, of course, the move comes with certain Blago conditions. The conditions only an innocent person with nothing to hide would demand.

Like asking for 90-minutes to explain why it is all a big misunderstanding and he never tried to do any of the things he explicitly outlined in the hours and hours of wire-tapped evidence played while he was humbly pleading his case to the people's court.

Aside from his closing statement, Mr. Rod Blagojevich will not of course dignify this three-ring circus you call an "impeachment trial" by answering any questions from lawmakers or anyone else. Capeesh?

Good. Then stop bustin' my balls and let's get this f**king thing movin' already. I got little time and lots of famous people to quote. Maestro, please!

Knock, Knock. Who's There? Possible Charges For Patti, Too?!

Hot Rod Blagojevich Heading Into History Books!

He Gone!

The Illinois House of Representatives voted 114 to 1 to impeach its shamelessly corrupt, thickly-coiffed governor, marking the first time in the state's 190-year-history that a governor has been impeached.

Considering Illinois' shade-ball political past, that can only mean Mr. Hot Rod Blagojevich must have done something really big. Like Blago-hair big.

Sure, he tried to sell the president elect's "f**kin' golden" senate seat and threatened to withhold funds from a children's hospital and god-knows what else.

But what was really his downfall (aside from his terrible style) was that he just wouldn't go away.

Well, that and trying to stick us with this guy.

This Is Getting Awkward...

Gambling Gov. Blago Keeps High Stakes Rolan'

America's notorious poster boy for all that's wrong in hair and politics, IL Governor "Hot" Rod Blagojevich crawled out from his resident sewer to embarrass himself and all of democracy once again.

On Tuesday, Blago humored the world by calling a press conference to announce his appointment of former state attorney general Roland Burris to Barack Obama's vacated senate seat, just like the governor is "required" to do so that the lovely residents of Illinois are not deprived of full representation in the U.S. Senate.

Even though Blago knows his only crime is loving Illinois too much, the ever-humble, federally-indicted governor still begged the public not to allow the allegations against him to "taint this good and honest man.”

Oh, and what the heck? He'll even give it to him free of charge!

Warning: Thick-Haired Rats Spotted In Area!

It's been nearly a week since Illinois governor and resident crime boss Hot Rod Blagojevich was arrested on enough corruption and bribery charges to make Dick Cheney jealous, and still the ever-humble public servant continues to go to "work" everyday to dutifully serve the people.

Despite a record-low 7 percent approval rating, the resignation of fellow sleazeball chief-of-staff John Harris, and the Illinois legislature's announcement to begin impeachment proceedings Monday, the ever-classy Blago continued to endlessly humor us by clinging to the delusion that his resignation is optional.

And won't necessarily be followed by a lengthy vacation to a place where men swap their leather jackets for orange jumpsuits and don't give their favorite Paul Mitchell hairbrush adorable nicknames like "the football," in reference to the "nuclear football,” or bomb codes never to be out of reach of the president.

But in bigger news, who knew Rod Blagojevich actually had a forehead?!?

Illinois' Own Bonnie And Clyde

Blago's Future: Jail Cell Or Padded Walls?

A spokesman for salt-of-the-earth politician "Hot" Rod Blagojevich says the Illinois Gov. remained "upbeat and positive" as he returned to work for the second day since his sensational arrest for being a corrupt, no-good sleazebag of the highest order.

Lucio Guerrero, a spokesman for the embattled governor, said, "There's a sense of trying to return to normalcy," adding that he doesn't know whether Blagojevich will step down. "That's something that obviously he'll decide on his own."

Hmmm. We're gonna go out on a limb here and say Rod "F**k 'em" Blagojevich decides not only to stay in office, but may also begin forming his presidential exploratory committee for 2012.

Sure he's being accused of trying to sell a senate seat, his city's baseball team, and anything else not tied down to the earth, but does that really make him unfit to lead a state?

Of course it doesn't! Just like being "upbeat and positive" about your political future after getting busted for being a modern, Serbian version of Al Capone doesn't mean you're a criminal. Just delusional.

"Can I Interest You In A Nice Senate Seat, Mr. Officer?"