OMG Chicago, did you hear da awful, terrible, no-good news??
No, no, not that Bears QB Jay Cutler might have torn his MCL along with the entire state of Illinois'
heart out of its chest before pouting cold and alone on the sidelines in Sunday's painful loss to the hated, rival Green Bay Packers.
The
other no-good, terrible Earth shattering news!! That front-runner and almost-certain-to-be-next-eternal-Mayor-of-Chicago Rahm Emanuel has been ruled ineligible to run by an appellate court because he did not meet residency requirements, in that he did not, umm, actually,
reside in their fair city
while poking naked men in the shower as Barack Obama's White House chief of staff in Washington.
The friggin' bastards!
Reversing a decision by the Chicago Board of Election Commissioners, which had unanimously agreed that Emanuel was eligible to run for mayor, the appellate panel, by a 2-1 ruling, said Emanuel does not meet the residency requirement of having lived in Chicago for a year prior to the election.
"We conclude that the candidate neither meets the Municipal Code's requirement that he have 'resided in' Chicago for the year preceding the election in which he seeks to participate nor falls within any exception to the requirement," the majority judges wrote.
"Accordingly, we disagree with the Board's conclusion that he is eligible to run for the office of Mayor of the City of Chicago. We reverse the circuit court's judgment confirming the Board's decision, set aside the Board's decision and ... order that the candidate's name be excluded (or, if necessary, removed) from the ballot."
To which Rahm promptly ordered the head of each judge immediately be excluded, or, if necessary, removed from their body, and be placed atop the two spires of the Sears, err, Willis Tower, or whatever terrible company purchased the right to have its God-awful name slapped on now, instead.
Rahm Emanuel, who had previously won rulings by the election board and Cook County Circuit Court, will likely take his case all the way to the
Illinois Supreme Court, where there will hopefully be enough Daleys or Obamas stacked on it to get this decision overturned and get Rahm back to sending dead fish through the mail, insulting
Sarah Palin-owned Retarded People™, and spending money no one has as the new, foulmouthed mayor of Chicago, where he belongs.
Emanuel remained confident that the Supreme Court would rule in his favor.
"As I've said from the beginning, I was just elected to congress two years ago," Emanuel said. "I own a home here, I vote from here, I pay taxes here. The Board of Elections agreed with that. Joseph Morris agreed with that, and Judge Ballard agreed with that."
"I have no doubt we will prevail in this matter," Emanuel said. "It's just one turn in the road."
"When the president of the United States asks you to serve your country, you do that."
C'mon, an entire year and a half serving as White House chief of staff and you're really going to believe Obama didn't teach him how to fake his place of birth?
What are you f**kin' retarded or something?
Besides, what the hell else is Rahm gonna do? I mean, it's not like there's a big, high-profile administration anywhere that likes to keep a full stock of outspoken, fiery Chicago Democratic political personalities or anything!
Hmmm, on second thought, how's Rahm's throwing arm? He's already got the asshole who knows ballet part down. Plus, something tells me a North Side native with four fingers, tough-as-nails attitude, never-say-die mentality, and warrior's heart is better than a disingenuous Denver import with full digits, boatloads of talent, a rocket arm, Type I diabetes, two chins, a bad attitude, undeserved sense of entitlement, inflated sense of himself, and an empty cavity on his left side where a four-chambered pumping organ of muscle and connective tissue used to be.
Most people call it a heart. Rahm Emanuel calls it breakfast.
Rahm Emanuel
