A Handy New How-To Wingnut Guide For When The Big Bad Government Comes For Your Innocent Guns

What do you do when some filthy criminal (Black/Liberal/Jew/Mexican/etc) breaks into your house and tries to steal all your God-given guns, Glenn Beck approved gold coins 'n other precious stuff??

Why, you pick up one of your 99 trusty shotguns decoratively adorning various shelves and cabinets around the house. Then you shoot that trespassing motherf**ker full of lead until there's nothing left but the Swiss cheese remains of their once live, warm, now bloodied, bullet-riddled body sullying your floor!

But what if one of those dirty marauders happens to be after your very 2nd amendment right to bear semi-automatic weapons, and tries to steal all your shiny metal guns before you have the chance to pump 'em full of hollow tipped holes and splatter the sucker's brain all over the wall? Then what??

Well, for a mere $60 (or like $100 worth of Glenn Beck gold coins) you too can be prepared for your own apocalyptic disaster and/or nightmare scenario when roving gangs of vicious punks come prowling around your trailer, licking their chops at the chance to take away all your precious guns and, maybe have their merry way with your supple wife and daughter too, mwhahahahaha!

It's called HideYourGuns.com and if you too are a patriot of America who falls for pop-up ads about fat suburban wives morphing into size 0 supermodels all by following this one old secret online, then this is for you!

Unless, of course you're some twinkle-toed NObama lovin' librul...

"If you're shocked by straight talk about the nature of the crisis facing our country, this book may not be for you. And if you're a liberal and are offended by talk about God and country, this is definitely not for you."

But if you're packin' something other than a Gideon bible in your back pocket, then this badboy's for you!

"As those punks left my house that day they must have been feeling that they had cleaned me out completely. But even with a broken wrist I got the last laugh. Here’s why: I had a secret cache of weapons hidden deep inside my house, where no thugs or even a sophisticated criminal would ever think to look."

"I knew that hidden safely away in my house was my real gun collection, the one worth thousands of dollars and including muzzle loaders from the 'War Between the States' and a few guns my grandfather gave me when I was young. The truth is, even if they had known where to look, they wouldn’t have gotten them."

Hahaha, the mindless fools! Thinkin' they swiped your prized rifle/pistol/semiautomatic gun collection (from the terrible war of Northern Aggression) when all they really came away with was some cheap decoy guns you don't even care about or tenderly clean with a soft cloth and warm spit every night by the fire while watching your favoritest Fox News anchor hoot 'n holler about these gun-hungry hooligans.

It's all part of the ingenious wingnut secret available only to those true red, white, 'n blue patriots willing to shell out $50 plus another $10 for shipping and handling for their very own fool-proof manual on how to dupe dark-skinned criminals into stealing the wrong gun collection when breaking & entering your home during times of lawlessness, anarchy, catastrophe, or liberal black presidents with Hussein in his name.

"I also explain the truth about a ‘panic room’ and how and when it might be a good idea for you to get busy and build one. But that’s not all. I reveal the cold hard truth about buying the right kind of safe for your valuables, including:

When you need a safe and what kind to buy. Where to put your safe so they can’t get into it, even if they manage to find it (page 15). What you absolutely must have on the bottom of the safe. Four questions you must ask the safe company before you buy."

"If you’re like me, you’re not just worried about hiding your guns but gold coins and other valuables as well. The truth is, you should be building an emergency preparedness plan for your family or loved ones right now in the event of a terrorist attack or civil unrest. (I cover all this in the book)."

Right now!! Or better yet, as soon as that secret Muslim terrorist elitist Barack Hussein Obama hijacked the once-pure White House!

But that's not all! Author and brainchild behind this brilliant hideyourguns movement, Sam "Sharkman" Adams, will also give you top-secret advice on how to stay a lean mean armed & dangerous fighting machine when the rest of the dumb public are being led like little sheep to the slaughter by crazed Democrats who would like nothing more than to usher in the end of the world through affordable health care and sensible financial practices.

"But I do give you step by step examples you can implement immediately to secure your guns, gold and other valuables. With this new-found knowledge you’ll remain one of the few armed citizens when most of the pathetic sheep are rendered defenseless."

"I have to warn you…this information is likely to send shockwaves through the liberal media, so be discreet about how you use it and who you tell about it."

OOOH, OOOH, secret is sooooooo safe with us! No Jew-run media will ever pry it from our warm, trigger wrapped fingers. Ha ha, yeah, over their dumb, cold, dead liberal hands!

"This book is the only one of its kind in the world, sort of like having your own private pass to Fort Knox, where your guns and valuables are safe from predators."

Not including the blue-soon-to-maybe-be-blind-eyed, blond haired scavenging Fox News kind you see weeping on the teevee every night.

But if you act now, Mr. Sharkman Adams will also throw in FREE special bonus which includes an amazing 2-part CD set with intense “hard-core” techniques for debating with dumb, soon-to-be-dead liberals about guns. It’s called The Great Gun Debate: How To Argue With Liberals About Guns And Win Every Time!

He will also rush you a bonus DVD: The Real Story Behind The Second Amendment. (Hint: No damn Yankee will ever take away your precious right to enslave an entire race again!). And as if that weren't enough, a third gift, The No B.S. Home Defense With Firearms E-book will be sent to you at no extra cost, complete with such life-saving advice as:

• Which lethal weapons you must have in the house
• The truth about a home-defense gun fight.
• Absolute best shotgun for home-defense. 
• Why everyone should own a handgun?
• How to select the best handgun.
• Effective handgun combat firing techniques inside a house.
• Best ways to avoid a dangerous firearms accident in the home
• What if you have to really shoot someone? (legal issues)
• Why almost everyone is wrong about what it takes to deter a criminal
• Special firearms advice for the elderly and disabled
• How to learn to think like a criminal.
• Why you should never go looking for someone who’s broken into your house.

Quick America, act now before blacky NObama and his commie Army of thugs and criminals (and Mexicans!) come knocking down your heavily-fortified steel-encased shelter door to take away your worthless valuable Glenn Beck-sponsored gold-plated coins, constitutional right to make homemade ballistic missiles, hide weapons caches, and other can't-live-without necessary items like fallout shelters and mine fields to help keep America safe from crazed psychopaths bloodthirsty for hippie dippie human sheep without paranoid schizophrenic tendencies who don't even realize grave danger lurks around every corner!

So grab your Ron Paul holster, Glenn Beck gold coins or personal currency of choice, so when the big, bad gubmint, scary black people, question-askin' census workers, turban-sportin' terrorists, poors, queers, border jumpin' Mexis, Jews, Jehovah's Witnesses, cookie-wielding girl scouts, and/or aliens from outer space come for you and your loved ones during the coming Obamageddon and end of civilization as we know it, you can go out with a Grand Ol' freedom-lovin' BANG, instead of a pathetic, pansy liberal BLEAT!

President Obama's During-School Special On Teevee!

Soon, on Tuesday September 8th at 11 AM to be exact, President Barack Hussein Obama will take to the teevees of our nation's classrooms for the sole purpose of indoctrinating the minds of America's fragile youth with evil socialist beliefs.

Dangerous beliefs like the so-called "value of education" and "staying in school" and assorted other tenets of communism.

But some parents in the "Real America" are not about to stand back and allow this half-black socialist MENACE to brainwash their perfect, white little angels with some outrageous back-to-school speech encouraging students to work hard and stay in school.

Hells no! These outraged Parents-of-the-Year do not care if Ronnie Reagan and George H.W. Bush also spoke to schoolchildren through the odd, new medium called "television" in the late '80s and early '90s, they will simply not permit little Johnny and Jill to be subjected to the socialist agenda of Obama's White House.

Instead, they will fight this black-socialist-presidential threat with all their might--even if it means forcing their poor white children to stay home, get dumber and watch important, constructive, AMERICAN things on the home teevee like My Super Sweet 16 and So You Think You Can Dance.

Obama Declares Jihad On America By Wishing Muslims A Happy Ramadan

Oh no Barry, anything but this! Please tell me you did not make a videotape offering "best wishes to Muslims in America and around the world and wishing them 'Ramadan Kareem' on behalf of the American people."

The last thing you're supposed to do as President of America is give people more reason to believe you're in fact a secret Muslim terrorist, which is exactly what saying Muslim-y things like Ramadan Kareem does. As does explaining the significance of Ramadan to non-Muslim viewers or talking about Muslim culture in any way other than calling them a bunch of terrorists.

So basically rather than reassuring the jittery citizens of this great nation that their President is not a secret migrant Kenyan who praises Allah instead of Jesus, fifty million white grandmothers in America are instead opening their forwarded e-mails for the day right now and freaking the f**k out!

Sure Obama makes sure to mention his "own Christian faith" and the common values shared by all people regardless of religion, as if that really matters when the next words out of his mouth are some crazy Arabic phrase meaning "May Allah make your Ramadan observance generous." Has dear leader forgotten his middle name is Hussein and what country he lives in or something?

Obama then rambles on about what he considers issues of importance to the Muslim world (boring!), the universal rights of all people (yawn...), peace and security for Palestinians and Israelis (zzzzz...), building strong partnerships (yada yada) and seeking common ground despite our differences. Blah blah blah.

After what seems like forever, Obama finally concludes his Kumbaya video to the Muslim world by emphasizing his Cairo message of seeking common ground, the importance of listening to one another, and reiterating his "commitment to a new beginning between America and Muslims around the world."

"May God's peace be upon you."

This guy sounds like a total Nazi.

Barack Obama Celebrates His "Birthday"

Happy Birthday Barry, that is if you were even born and not immaculately conceived in the town of Bethlehem some two thousand years ago.

If it is indeed true that Barack Hussein Obama was actually birthed from the womb of his white Kansas mother as he claims and not hatched from a primordial egg in outer space, the President of America will celebrate his 48th year of consciousness today.

He'll spend the high holy day in closed door meetings at the White House where he will plot with the entire Democratic Senate caucus how best to turn America into the Soviet Union and whether he wants chocolate or vanilla birthday cake this year. Ugh, decisions!

Hell, maybe this year Barry will even go out on a limb and go with a nice mix. Marble cake anyone?

New Poll Finds 58 Percent Of Republicans Are Actually Insane Birthers

It is no secret that the Republican Party is in the midst of a severe identity crisis. They just can't decide who they are or what they want to be! Are they a proud group of fiscal conservatives with a healthy aversion to big, bad government? Or are they the party of kooks and wingnuts who hate the coloreds so much they'll do anything to prove Barack Hussein Obama isn't a real citizen of White, Christian America, even if it means listening to a blue-eye shadow loving Jewish dentist-lawyer-real estate agent...from Russia (gasp!)?

Turns out they're the latter. Surprise!

A whopping 58 percent of self-identified Republicans (yes, they still make those) either think President B. Hussein Obama wasn't born in the United States (28 percent) or aren't quite sure (30 percent) where the hell this secret Muslim elitist came from (Hint: Kenya). You can never trust those certificates of live birth nowadays!

True, 42 percent of loyal GOPers do concede Obama is a natural born citizen of the U.S. of A, but no one cares what these pseudo-Republicans think anyway since they obviously don't care about America being hijacked by a Muslim socialist.

Perhaps the biggest surprise from this fun little poll of craziness is the farther South you go and older you get, the more you start believing the crazy, (not) lightly-veiled racist rantings of pill-popping talk radio god Rush Limbaugh and insane Fox News host Glenn "Madman" Beck.

Luckily, 77 percent of Americans in general think the president is actually a U.S. citizen and not a migrant Kenyan. Which means not everyone in the country is a Republican or a 75-year old former Klansmen with two-teeth, a loaded shotgun, hair-trigger temper, and a zero-tolerance policy for any Negro, Jew or Homo who wanders onto his front lawn.

Dr. Orly Taitz, Esq. For All Your Tooth, Shelter And Fraudulent President Needs

Orly Taitz, the busy, Russian-born, California real estate agent-attorney-dentist who's also leading the "Birther" movement in its feverish charge against the illegitimate presidency of America's first non-American president, migrant Kenyan Barack Hussein Obama, has taken her quest for truth and sanity to the GOP holyland, the Internets!

Taitz' tireless efforts to expose Barack Obama as the U.S. citizen he is not and the secret Muslim terrorist that he is has finally paid off. She even has the high-profile Facebook "friends" to prove it! Friends like Republican National Committee Chairman of Hip Hop Michael Steele, House Republican Whip Eric Cantor and GOP Representatives no one's ever heard of, Mary Bono Mack and Cynthia Lummis. Wooohooo!

“I am in total disbelief and greatly honored,” Taitz blogged after Cantor accepted her as one of his illustrious Facebook friends. OMG LOL!

“To me it means that the leadership of the Republican party understands the importance of the issues and legal cases I brought forward. I hope more congressmen and senators join and either become additional plaintiffs or bring to the House and Senate judicial committee hearings the issues of Obama’s illegitimacy to presidency as well as suspected illegal activities by Obama and his supporters."

Despite pleas from her powerful new friends not to make too much of the "friendships" because they "mean nothing," Orly Taitz will not be swayed. She knows their acceptance of her on Facebook means they too can't rest until that fraud Barack Hussein Obama is removed from office and sent back to Africa where he belongs.

"It is a very important issue, one that politicians should have taken up a long time ago."

Too bad it took eight months for a sane, enlightened patriot like Orly Taitz to finally scare these slothful legislators into action. But thanks to dedicated, thrice-employed birthers like her, lawmakers everywhere "should be prepared to resign or be removed if they do not have the guts to stand for the Constitution and this country."

Or the guts to trust the Jewish (?) version of Tammy Faye Baker on the validity of anything other than how to use the settlement damages from your botched root canal to buy the house of your dreams!

Thanks Orly, You're The Best!

Barack Hussein Obama Fools The World!

The whackjobs and conspiracy theorists behind the Obama "birther" movement spend their days traipsing around the country bitching, moaning, and filing lawsuits against Barack Hussein Obama's illegal presidency based on the figment of their imagination that Barry was born in Kenya and not Honolulu as his birth certificate would like you to believe.

Also involved in this elaborate hoax of course are his parents, friends, relatives, in-laws, and government officials at every level, from both parties, spanning several generations. Maybe the printing press and ink manufacturers too. Who knows?

Maybe even former State Department official and vice-presidential daughter Liz "Dick" Cheney who despite being presented with overwhelming evidence to the contrary, still refused to distance herself from the crazies in her party who insist Obama is not a natural born citizen, but an ILLEGAL ALIEN. Gasp!

The truth is Lizzy understands where the birthers are coming from--and it's not just the mental hospital.

"I think the Democrats have got more crazies than the Republicans do. But setting that aside, one of the reasons you see people so concerned about this, I think this issue is, people are uncomfortable with having for the first time ever, I think, a president who seems so reluctant to defend the nation overseas..."

Of course, she's not saying that Barack Hussein Obama was born in Kenya or anything, just that, "People are fundamentally uncomfortable and fundamentally I think increasingly uncomfortable with an American president who seems to be afraid to defend America, stand up for what we believe in."

Like a White, Christian nation that's been hijacked by an undocumented, migrant Kenyan with extreme socialist tendencies who has managed to pull off the greatest heist the world has ever seen!

And to think, Miss Cheney would actually question the birthplace of another when she hasn't even cleared up the rumors that her own father is actually the mutant offspring of Slimer and a goat.

And The Winner Is...A Name We Can't Pronounce Anyway

Iranians streamed into polling stations on Friday to decide whether they want their country run by the same ranting hard-line conservative with a penchant for Banana Republic jackets they've had to listen to for the last few years or a reformist who might not dress as smartly but has a definite upside in that he doesn't hate freedom, Jews or the United States.

Unfortunately, Iran 2009 is quickly turning into Florida 2000 (minus the hanging chads and old people), with both incumbent Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and challenger Mir Hossein Mousavi claiming victory. Uh-Oh.

Hours after the polls closed the candidates appeared to be locked in a dead-heat, until in a surprising turnabout, Iran’s state-run news agency suddenly declared Mahmoud Ahmadinejad had won by a landslide.

Which wouldn't be a problem if reformist challenger Mousavi hadn't already also made his own victory announcement, declaring, “I am the absolute winner of the election by a very large margin,” before adding that, “It is our duty to defend people’s votes. There is no turning back.”

You see, Mousavi is very worried that that dapper lunatic Mahmoud Ahmadinejad will once again rig the election in his favor, in a shout-out to his old adversary George W. Bush.

It wouldn't be the first time Ahmadinejad borrowed something from one of his evil American enemies. Like arch-nemesis and current devil-in-chief Barack Hussein Obama, whose wildly successful "Yes, We Can" campaign slogan was such a hit in the states, Ahmadinejad figured why not press his luck and give the ol' slogan a nice Iranian once-over and have a go himself.

Not that it makes any difference anyway, since all important policies are decided by unelected Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei. And everyone knows he really gets his orders from a charming secret Muslim named Barry.

So maybe the Jews don't control everything!

The GOP's Got Talent!

Back To The Future: Romney, Pawlenty, Huckabee, Palin

With only one thousand-ish days before the 2012 presidential elections, the Republican field is brimming with talented potential candidates who can't wait to lose another election for the Grand Old Party.

No, no you're not having a Bill Murray Groundhog Day moment. This fresh-faced crop of Republican hopefuls features the same vibrant bunch of political superstars we saw in 2008, before that secret Muslim terrorist Barack Hussein Obama rode in on his high-horse of hope to steal the elections and ruin America.

Problem is Republican voters just can't decide which of these 2008 delights they like best: Sexy Alaskan princess Sarah Palin, Arkansas' adorable anti-fat crusader Mike Huckabee, or dreamy Mormon Ken doll Mittens "Mitt" Romney. As if that weren't hard enough, toss in Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty's hat into the ring and you my friend have yourself a royal Republican rumble not seen since '08!

"Republicans typically nominate someone familiar who's run for president before, such as Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan, George H.W. Bush, Bob Dole, and John McCain. But since the party appears to be in trouble right now, Republicans might want to do what Democrats typically do, and look for a fresh face," CNN Political Analyst Bill Schneider explained.

Eh, they'd much rather imitate the Democrats in that other time-honored tradition: Losing.

The GOP's Suicide Mission Does Not Include Colin Powell

In case you didn't get the memo, former Secretary of State Colin Powell is still a proud member of the Grand Old Party. But there are some people who just don't think Mr. Powell is Republican enough.

Never mind his 20-year record voting solidly with Republican candidates or serving as the first African-American chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff and secretary of State under genuinely elephant president George W. Bush. Forget his lifelong commitment to party ideals, his position on the Republican Party's membership committee, or his dedicated military service as a four-star general in the United States Army. Colin Powell is nothing more than a Barry-loving arugula-eating socialist masquerading as a true patriot of the Republican Party!

True patriots like Rush Limbaugh and Dick Cheney who want highly-decorated frauds like Colin Powell out of their precious party. Frauds who call themselves Republican but then turn around and vote for a liberal demonchild like Barack Hussein Obama. Frauds who think the Republican Party should include more than bloated heart attack victims who hunt ducks, quails, and their best friends. Or pill-popping, prog rock-named radio hosts whose BMI is the only thing more out of control than their insane, hate-filled rants about how feminism is just some made up bullsh*t to make ugly chicks feel better about themselves.

The last thing the Republican Party wants or needs is a bunch of non-white moderates who think with their brains and live in reality to control the direction of their dear party. They'd prefer to keep it real and purge everyone but gun-crazy secessionists, gay-bashing closet cases, and Alaskan ice fairies whose idea of diplomacy consists of lipstick jokes, sexy winks, and refusin' to end sentences with the letter g.

Even a GOP savior like former House Speaker Newt Gingrich knows the Republican party can't exclude everyone and still expect to survive. "To be a national party, you have to have a big enough tent that you inevitably have fights inside the tent."

Or just a tent big enough for Dick and Rush's massive bodies and the handful of true Republicans still left to squeeze inside and celebrate their heroic two-man rescue of the Grand Old Party.

Then they'll break out the bubbly, but first they just need a quick sec to figure out where the hell everyone went.

Sarah Knows The World's Most Precious And Unique People Don't Need Our Help

Sarah Palin is more than just a humble, dedicated public servant to the good people of Alaska. She is also the proud parent of a little boy with Down Syndrome named Trig, and that makes her Mother Theresa of the special needs community.

So you can imagine how disgusted the patron saint of special needs children was when she heard what that insensitive Obama character said on the Tonight Show.

“I was shocked to learn of the comment made by President Obama about Special Olympics. This was a degrading remark about our world’s most precious and unique people, coming from the most powerful position in the world."

Just terrible! The leader of the free world criticizing the world's "most precious and unique people" is nothing more than ignorant hate-mongering and an affront to our good American values. Which isn't at all surprising coming from some half-black liberal commie homo like Barack Hussein Obama.

“These athletes overcome more challenges, discrimination and adversity than most of us ever will. I hope President Obama’s comments do not reflect how he truly feels about the special-needs community."

Us too. If he didn't hate them so much, he might want to spend even more than the $5 billion he already set aside in his economic stimulus package for early childhood education, including special needs programs.

Then Miss Palin would be once again forced to reject another $170 million specifically allocated to her state for those very same pork-filled programs to help the world's most precious and unique people.

The resilient little buggers, you betcha they'll be just fine!

Dick Cheney's Sleepless Nights

Eternal optimist and beacon of hope for all humanity, Dick Cheney isn't one to focus only on the negative. But even a ray of sunshine like himself knows danger when he sees it, and that danger is named Barack Hussein Obama.

Unlike that current menace in the White House, Dick knows that Bush administration policies on detention and interrogation of suspected terrorists "were absolutely essential to preventing another 9/11-style attack."

But since Obama doesn't care about keeping Americans safe, he's decided to modify a number of the former administration's key war-on-terror tactics, including torture (waterboarding, testicle shocks, killer dogs etc), unlawful detention, secret wiretapping, and running a concentration camp called Guantanamo.

He might as well call bin Laden up himself and beg for another 9/11 attack.

"This is a war. It’s not a law-enforcement problem. When you go back to the law enforcement mode...closing Guantanamo and so forth...you give up the ability to successfully defend the nation against further attacks."

But, on the upside, you get to keep the economy, New Orleans, the Constitution, and your faith in America.

GOP 2012: Back To The Future

Some Enlightened CPAC Slogans

No Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) would be complete without its annual straw poll to see which Republican candidate is the early favorite to lose 2012's presidential race against Democratic demon child Barack Hussein Obama.

For the third straight year, the lucky (or unlucky depending on how you look at it) CPAC poll winner was none other than former governor of the godless gay marriage state of Massachusetts, Mitt Romney.

Which doesn't mean a whole lot considering Romney also won the poll in 2007 and 2008, only to eventually lose the presidential nomination to John McCain who placed fifth. Expect maybe good news for this year's illustrious fifth place winner Newt Gingrich, if the former House speaker had any plans to run in 2012.

So barring Ronald Reagan's miraculous resurrection, looks like the GOP presidential field is wide open.

Thankfully there's still four years before the elections, because it's gonna take a while to sort through this list of winners. With rock stars candidates like these, the GOP should be a lock in 2012. Ha ha Barry won't stand a chance.

The Breakdown:

• Mitt Romney - 20 percent (Another meaningless win for the hot Mormon)
  
• Bobby Jindal - 14 percent (This even after his stunningly bad Mr. Rogers speech. Impressive)
  
• Ron Paul -13 percent (Not a chance in hell for this maverick)
  
• Sarah Palin - 13 percent (You betcha' she didn't need to show up!)
  
• Newt Gingrich -10 percent (Thanks, but no thanks)
  
• Mike Huckabee - 7 percent (Still here, still not going anywhere. 'Cept getting weirder)
  
• Mark Sanford - 4 percent (Who?)
  
• Rudy Guiliani - 3 percent (9/11!!!!)
  
• Tim Pawlenty - 2 percent (Who?)
  
• Charlie Crist - 1 percent (Called Obama's favorite Republican, the kiss of death)
• Undecided - 9 percent (Aka Joe The Plumber

Will The Next Ronald Reagan Please Stand Up?

The Windy City Blues

Chicago, My Kind Of Town?

Not so fast Chicago. Sure you've been on a roll lately, claiming not one but two of the most powerful people in the world as your own (Obama and Oprah, in either order), becoming a leading contender to host the 2016 Summer Olympics, having both baseball teams make the postseason, and all around sending out good vibes from the Second City. We even have a huge silver bean for crying out loud!

But then things started going downhill.

First it was that wife-murdering police sergeant Drew "warm containers" Peterson, then came that bleeping golden governor with a grand hairstyle and even grander delusions, a January with an average low of 17 and now suddenly our fair city finds itself atop America's Most Miserable Cities, behind only Stockton, California and Memphis, Tennessee.

Really??? The only two cities in the entire U.S. dumpier than Chicago are Stockton (is that even a real city?) and Memphis? Wow. That's embarrassing.

Okay, so maybe Chicago isn't perfect. Sure, our winters are harsh, our commutes can be brutal, and our governors have a long tradition of serving jail time, but is that really so bad?

Add in rising unemployment rates, violent crime, the highest sales tax rate in the country, 100 years of Cubs world-series futility, more political corruption than Zimbabwe, and voila! you have yourself the bronze medal for sucking.

The good news of course is when you live in a hell-hole like Chicago, even Flint, Michigan starts to look like Xanadu.

Second City Reflections

Let's Try This Again...

Mulligan?

Since we all know what happened the first time Supreme Court chief screw-up John Roberts tried to swear in Comrade Barry, White House counsel Greg Craig decided to try again, hoping this time the nation's esteemed head Justice could actually recite the oath of office without turning it into a jumbled mess of unconstitutional nonsense.

Although the White House insisted the do-over was out of an "abundance of caution," President of cool Barack Obama was his usual charming self, joking it was because "We decided it was so much fun."

It was not at all to make sure some right-wing loonies didn't start trying to claim that Obama wasn't really the president. The flubbed inauguration oath was just another scheme in the vast terrorist conspiracy known as Barack Hussein Obama.

Havin' A Ball!

Happy Feet: The First Couple Kick Things Off

It's been quite a day.

Barack Hussein Obama was officially sworn-in as president to complete the nation's seamless transition from international disgrace to world pride.

His excellency even managed to keep it cool when brilliant Bush-appointed Chief Justice John Roberts tried to sabotage his big moment by flubbing the oath of office and throwing everyone off for a not-at-all awkward moment or two.

Followed by a couple hours of lunching, parade walking, hand waving, smiling, and as always, the media's riveting play-by-play commentary. Plus, a complete fashion breakdown of 2009's hottest inauguration styles...you won't believe who showed up in what!

But now that Obama is king, I mean president, it's time to let loose, throw back a few, and boogie the night away at one of the ten inaugural balls featuring Michelle and Barack's signature slow-dance cameo.

Or if you didn't happen to make it on the guest list, you can always watch it on tv like the rest of us losers not named Beyonce.

Waltzing In Style