On The Sixth Day HE Created Sarah...And On The Seventh, She Went Rogue

Like a beautiful snowflake, Sarah Palin has drifted into our lives, a glistening hexagonal prism of symmetry and ice sent from the Lord to fill our world with wonder and wisdom.

Like Sarah, each precious star-shaped ice and crystal blend, having formed in the high clouds of the atmosphere before floating down as the frozen water molecule miracles of God we see today, is unique unto itself.

Also much like Sarah, these seemingly simple but always beautiful structures are created, quite literally, out of thin air.

Which totally explains things!

Like how this delightful Alaskan ice princess could be one missed beta-blocker away from being the leader of the free world and still not know the difference between those two pesky "I" countries in the Muslim East.

When asked by dear friend and Fox News host Sean Hannity what can be done to prevent Iran from getting nuclear weapons, Palin naturally responded by suggesting we get tough with Iraq.

"We have allies who are as concerned about Ahmadinejad's actions as we are. We need to be working closer with France, and with Britain, and start, not just considering, but seriously taking steps towards the sanctions that we hear all about but we never see any actions towards, though."

"Cutting off the imports into Iraq, of their refined petroleum products. They're reliant--40 to 45 percent of their energy supply is reliant on those imports. We have some control over there."

"And some of the beneficial international monetary deals that Iraq benefits from--we can start implementing some sanctions there and start really shaking things up, and telling Ahmadinejad, nobody is going to stand for this."

You go girl! Except for that one tiny little fact that in everyone else's reality, Iraq is different from Iran, and as it turns out, also not the country Ahmadinejad is president of. Oops, beginners' mistake!

Don't worry shimmer flake! We still love you.

If it wasn't for the radiant brilliance of your sweet crystalline self, how would we ever know such shining pearls of wisdom like this Going Rogue gem:

"If God had not intended for us to eat animals, how come He made them out of meat?"

Exactly! I mean why else would God invent tasty sentient beings unless He wanted us to pump 10 rounds of high grade Remington bullets into them and toss 'em on the barbie??

And The Winner Is...A Name We Can't Pronounce Anyway

Iranians streamed into polling stations on Friday to decide whether they want their country run by the same ranting hard-line conservative with a penchant for Banana Republic jackets they've had to listen to for the last few years or a reformist who might not dress as smartly but has a definite upside in that he doesn't hate freedom, Jews or the United States.

Unfortunately, Iran 2009 is quickly turning into Florida 2000 (minus the hanging chads and old people), with both incumbent Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and challenger Mir Hossein Mousavi claiming victory. Uh-Oh.

Hours after the polls closed the candidates appeared to be locked in a dead-heat, until in a surprising turnabout, Iran’s state-run news agency suddenly declared Mahmoud Ahmadinejad had won by a landslide.

Which wouldn't be a problem if reformist challenger Mousavi hadn't already also made his own victory announcement, declaring, “I am the absolute winner of the election by a very large margin,” before adding that, “It is our duty to defend people’s votes. There is no turning back.”

You see, Mousavi is very worried that that dapper lunatic Mahmoud Ahmadinejad will once again rig the election in his favor, in a shout-out to his old adversary George W. Bush.

It wouldn't be the first time Ahmadinejad borrowed something from one of his evil American enemies. Like arch-nemesis and current devil-in-chief Barack Hussein Obama, whose wildly successful "Yes, We Can" campaign slogan was such a hit in the states, Ahmadinejad figured why not press his luck and give the ol' slogan a nice Iranian once-over and have a go himself.

Not that it makes any difference anyway, since all important policies are decided by unelected Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei. And everyone knows he really gets his orders from a charming secret Muslim named Barry.

So maybe the Jews don't control everything!

Torture, Pig Flu, Sleeping Economists, Oh My!

Hollywood Squares, Crazy Global Edition!

What a week it's been here in the good ol' USA. That is, if you've managed to survive the latest import from our friendly southern neighbor (and not fun illegal stuff like drugs), but the lovely swine flu outbreak. Gracias Mexico! Nothing's sexier than dirty pig disease.

If you still have your health, congratulations, you're in for a real treat.

Let's start at the top, with our old friend John S. McCain, proud father of world famous blogger Meghan McCain and America's resident torture expert. Now Johnny admits that torture is bad and terrible and all (though it does make a GREAT story), but he also knows now is not the time to settle old political scores. It is time to put this whole thing behind us and move forward.

After all, the U.S. did make a commitment never to do this again (ok ok, so they forgot the whole "Geneva Convention" thing but no biggie), and Johnny knows no administration would ever lie. They promised. So there is no need to criminalize or hold anyone accountable for their actions because justice has already been served in the court of public opinion. So let's just forget it and "move on" and if you don't like it, he will be happy to give you the old Hanoi treatment and staple your god damn tongue to your stupid head.

Meanwhile, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad continued his tenure as the world's most dapper bearded madman by saying he's ready to back a two-state solution in the Middle East if the Palestinians approve a peace agreement with Israel.

"Whatever decision they take is fine with us...we will support that." he said. "We are not going to determine anything."

Which sounds normal enough--if it wasn't for the one tiny little problem of Israel's existence and his repeated calls for it to be "wiped off the map." Other than that, denying the Holocaust, the occasional Zionist rant, and his country's secret nuclear aspirations, all is good with Mahmoud. Trust me, his word is bond.

Next we have bestselling author and arugula-eating elitist (aka contributor to the New Yorker), Malcolm Gladwell explaining why America is headed to the toilet and why Asians (especially Koreans) are so much better than dumb behemoths like you and me. Hint: It has something to do with being obsessed with ourselves, not to mention selfish, slothful and lazy, while our Asian counterparts diligently work together as they quietly take over the world.

Which brings us to Lawrence Summers, Obama's top economic adviser and notorious "serial dozer." Sure, you've seen him yawning, you've seen him sleeping, and now you can see him talking. There, you will learn that it is not President Obama's speeches that cause "Summy" to immediately lapse into REM sleep, but rather the mind-blowingly boring credit card companies and their stupid fine print. But don't worry, Mr. Summers is monitoring the situation very carefully and is confident the Obama administration is on the right path.

"There's work that needs to be done, but we're in a good position to provide the support and set the framework in which the banking system can move along the process of recovery and...Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Oh, ooops. He'll be ready right after a little 20 minute power nap.