Divine Intervention (and Plenty of Pork) Keeps Health Care Reform From Being FiliBUSTED!

Are you there God? It's me, Harry

Please God, let Joe Lieberman be struck down by some terribly contagious rash that then makes its way into the brain of that insufferable pro-life fetus whore Ben Nelson so we can finally look like a legislative body capable of getting something accomplished other than giving Glenn Beck one more reason to have a hysterical breakdown and weep like a baby on national TV. Because I don't think anyone, myself included, wants to explain to dungeon master Nancy Pelosi why exactly we can't crack the whip like a certain lady speaker who shall remain nameless but isn't afraid to break out the big guns to bring the boys in line.

What's that you say, God? You offered that intolerable Nebraskan fellow a hearty chunk of pork (even though we all know your thoughts on that filthy animal) for his beloved home state and now he suddenly loves the health care bill even more than he loves unborn fetuses??

Wow, you really are all-powerful! To think you got a curmudgeon like Ben Nelson to sign on as the key 60th vote to stop a Republican filibuster and all it took was a nice slab o' swine for the Cornhuskers and a few tweaks to the ol' abortion language?

What's that, Lord? It was all in a day's work? And you already had plenty of clout with most congressmen (save for that one freak atheist socialist Bernie Sanders), not just the whole "I hate health care and womens' reproductive rights unless there's something in it for me" wing of the party? All you did was wave some porky perks and tasty abortion restrictions and Ben Nelson was suddenly putty in your hands?

Is there no limit to your awesomeness?

"I know this is hard for some of my colleagues to accept and I appreciate their right to disagree," said Nelson of the many changes made at his behest. "But I would not have voted for this bill without these provisions."

Hahaha, no wonder they call you God and not Harry Reid!

Sarah Knows The World's Most Precious And Unique People Don't Need Our Help

Sarah Palin is more than just a humble, dedicated public servant to the good people of Alaska. She is also the proud parent of a little boy with Down Syndrome named Trig, and that makes her Mother Theresa of the special needs community.

So you can imagine how disgusted the patron saint of special needs children was when she heard what that insensitive Obama character said on the Tonight Show.

“I was shocked to learn of the comment made by President Obama about Special Olympics. This was a degrading remark about our world’s most precious and unique people, coming from the most powerful position in the world."

Just terrible! The leader of the free world criticizing the world's "most precious and unique people" is nothing more than ignorant hate-mongering and an affront to our good American values. Which isn't at all surprising coming from some half-black liberal commie homo like Barack Hussein Obama.

“These athletes overcome more challenges, discrimination and adversity than most of us ever will. I hope President Obama’s comments do not reflect how he truly feels about the special-needs community."

Us too. If he didn't hate them so much, he might want to spend even more than the $5 billion he already set aside in his economic stimulus package for early childhood education, including special needs programs.

Then Miss Palin would be once again forced to reject another $170 million specifically allocated to her state for those very same pork-filled programs to help the world's most precious and unique people.

The resilient little buggers, you betcha they'll be just fine!

Please, Sir, Can I Have Some More?

With the help of some (eight to be exact) bacon-loving Republicans, another one of presidential badass Barack Obama's $410 billion pork fests cruised smoothly through the Senate, despite the defection of three treacherous Democrats: Sens. Evan Bayh of Indiana, Russ Feingold of Wisconsin and Claire McCaskill of Missouri.

The so-called Omnibus--which is really just another name for stuffing as much sh*t as possible into one tight little package--is actually nine bills and covers nearly the entire domestic budget for the year, plus U.S. contributions to global health and foreign aid.

Loaded with enough individual "perks" ($7.7 billion!) to lure eight Republicans over to the dark side, the ambitious bill also increases spending on food and consumer product safety agencies, the FBI, Wall Street regulators and tax enforcement, as well as education and science initiatives, investments in sustainable energy and landmark public works programs from the first stimulus.

Despite objections from the usual one man pork patrol of John S. McCain and a few congressman who believe Cuban-American relations should stay stuck in the 1950s, President Barack Obama is expected to quickly sign the measure into law.

You know, so government operations don't shut down. And cause he never gets tired of watching old Johnny boy go off the deep end.

What, What, What!?

Imagine How Much Frankincense $787 Billion Could Buy!

Opponents of Barack Obama's $787 billion stimulus bill are looking to none other than El Savior Jesus Christ to show America the true evils of pork-filled legislation.

Now, the same conservative group that showed us the truth about Barack Hussein Obama and his terrorist pal Bill Ayers, is taking on the newest apocalypse of doom, liberal congress's billion dollar baby. And it's putting it in proper biblical proportions.

If Jesus wasn't enough to prove the unholy nature of the spendulus bill, the ad goes even further. Using a clip of liberal, pork-loving Satan Sen. Chuck Schumer, a New York Democrat to terrify the public. *Shudder.*

“Let me say this, to all of the chattering class that so much focuses on those little tiny, yes, porky amendments. The American people really don’t care.”

Wrong again, Mr. Senator. If the American people didn't care about porky things, would SPAM really be that popular?

I think not.

Republicans Cry Un-Kosher! Will Bring Home The Bacon Anyway

Some brave Republican governors are risking it all to take a stand against Comrade Barry and his $787 billion Socialist stimulus bill to ruin America.

These true American heroes have had enough of his pork-filled spendulus package and are threatening to reject the money available for education, health care and infrastructure in their states. Now that takes courage.

The kind of courage that puts conservative ideology far ahead of the needs of struggling, everyday Americans. So what if their states face some of the most crushing budget deficits, soaring unemployment, and staggering foreclosure rates in the entire country?

These patriotic governors face an even bigger obstacle. Like how to put their own political aspirations (Can you say White House 2012?) ahead of the needs of their states...without looking like a total Dick Cheney.

Luckily, there's a way to continue criticizing Obama's bloated, irresponsible national spending spree while secretly thanking sweet Jesus for giving their broke-a** states some money. Just ask South Carolina governor Mark Sanford. He'll tell you.

"I think the problem that was created with too much debt will never be solved by adding yet more debt. I think there are a number of wrinkles that have caused a number of us to say 'Wait a minute, let's take a long look at whether or not this really makes sense for our state.'"

Still, Sanford said he would accept the funds.

"Being against it doesn't preclude taking the money."

Of course it doesn't. The same way it doesn't make you a hypocrite either.

Well, Maybe Just This Much