Deck The Halls With Greed & Sorrow, Santa Clause-Killing Repubs Are Coming To Town!

Forget the pesky equal-rights demanding gays or the gross poors, this time the ever-righteous, morally pure Grand Old Prophets of Divinity here on Earth have turned their seething, beautifully white hot, perfectly rational rage towards a much more cunning adversary: the Godless n'er-do-well Democrats.

Ugh, the nerve of those bastards trying to actually get critical legislation passed during what was supposed to be a lame duck Congress of fun and  frivolity!

Luckily for the rest of us in real America, fearless leaders heroes like Republicans Senators Jim DeMint of South Carolina and Jon Kyl of Arizona will not just stand idly by while Democrats' desecrate the Holy Spirit of Halo III and insufferable, recycled RomCom box office busts with such legislative tomfoolery, like the silly omnibus spending bill to fund dumb government for another year, repealing the discriminatory Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy permitting gross gays and lezzies to get blown up by roadside IEDs like normal, decent, straight Americans, or signing some terrible, pussy new START nuclear arms treaty with Russia.

This aggression cannot stand!

Enraged by the Democrats' pre-Christmas push to actually get some shit accomplished for once in their miserable, pathetic lives, Sen. Jim DeMint  blasted the move as "sacrilegious," and warned he'd draw the process out to wage his objections.

"You can't jam a major arms control treaty right before Christmas," the less-than-fresh, increasingly bitter Sen. Jim DeMint told POLITICO. "What's going on here is just wrong. This is the most sacred holiday for Christians. They did the same thing last year - they kept everybody here until (Christmas Eve) to force something down everybody's throat. I think Americans are sick of this."

Of course, they could be sick from all the toxic smoke and debris inhaled by 9/11 First Responders lacking adequate health care since Republicans simply cannot justify funding these freeloaders while poor, suffering millionaires, barons and heiresses face the terrifying injustice of a marginal tax increase they'll never need, miss nor so much as notice anyway.

This is a matter of principles, God damn it, and if there's one thing Republicans don't compromise on, it's principles!

Principles like the dignity of denying 9/11 emergency workers adequate care for their heroic efforts during a national tragedy, compassion for billionaire CEOs in danger of losing their cushy billion dollar bonuses, and of course deep concern for their own, hard-earned, well-deserved paid vacation time to celebrate the miraculous birth of their favoritest immaculately conceived precious li'l bundle of divinity, baby Jesus.

Like Senate Minority Whip Jon Kyl (R-Ariz.) who simply cannot stay silent while dastardly Democrats try to complete a busy lame duck agenda by dancing like wild Injuns around the swaddled Savior in his miracle manger.

"It is impossible to do all of the things that the majority leader laid out," Sen. Jon Kyl said, "frankly, without disrespecting the institution and without disrespecting one of the two holiest of holidays for Christians and the families of all of the Senate, not just the senators themselves but all of the staff."

So true! But even a dumb old Mormon like Harry Reid knows disrespecting baby Jesus is better than disrespecting the Resurrected Jesus because HE is no longer Jewish, and thus infinitely better.

"As a Christian, no one has to remind me of the importance of Christmas for all of the Christian faith, all their families across America," Harry Reid said. "I don’t need to hear the sanctimonious lectures of Sens. Kyl and DeMint to remind me of what Christmas means."

"Where were their concerns about Christmas [when they were posing] filibuster after filibuster of every piece of legislation during this entire Congress?" Reid asked on the Senate floor this afternoon.

Ummm, probably out getting plastered with Santa and the rest of those red-nosed reindeer sluts, colored savages, and sodomite soldiers spreading Seasons Greetings, smart bombs, and STDs across the land in sinful secular spirit.

Forget What Jesus Would Do. I'll tell you What Jesus Wouldn't Do. And that's enact some pussy Strategic Arms Reduction Treaty that would bring us closer to 'peace on earth,' or do anything to help ease the pain and suffering of those less fortunate than, say, the Fortune 500.

After all, 'tis the Season to be Jolly Wretched.

Fa la la la la, la la la la!

Gettin Jiggy Wit It: Big Pimpin' Mark Kirk Won't Let Dem Crazy Coloreds "Jigger" With His Pure, White Senate Election!

Everyone makes mistakes, Mark Kirk just makes a lot of them. Usually, at the absolute worst time possible. Like, say, two weeks before Senate elections, bad timing!

For the most part, Mr. Kirk has managed to keep his lies, distortions, exaggerations, and various f**k-ups out of the prying public eye, save for a few concocted claims about oh, I don't know, winning the Navy’s exclusive Intelligence Officer of the Year award (he didn't!), being a nursery care school teacher (he wasn't!), masquerading as a strapping, heterosexual man (he isn't!), all to stay competitive, locked neck & neck, packed tight (ooooh, just the way he likes it!) with sexy, smooth Democratic challenger Alexi Giannoulias.

But then suddenly, out of nowhere, Mark's Grand Old Penchant for being a no-good hypocrite, getting caught saying and/or doing terrible things, rears its ugly head, once again showing his true colors: WHITE! and threatening to derail Mr. Kirk's hopes of earning the distinct privilege of screwing over as many dumb, poor people as possible as the nation's new esteemed Republican senator from Illinois. Hooray!

In a secretly recorded (D'Oh!) phone conversation with various state GOP big shots, the always lovely Mark Kirk told state Republican leaders last week about his freakin' golden plan (eat it Blago!) to send "lawyers and other people to vulnerable precincts...where the other side might be tempted to jigger the numbers somewhat."

The "other side" of course referring to those unsavory characters who inhabit the "vulnerable precincts of Rockford, Metro East, and South and West Chicago," or as Mark Kirk likes to call 'em, scary people with black skin. Ya know, the kind of predominantly African-American neighborhoods where those dark, menacing forces in the form of minorities who aren't pure snow white, "might be tempted to jigger the numbers somewhat."

Jigga what? Jigga who?

Who knew that in addition to heroically trying to prevent voter fraud (by making it more difficult to cast ballots and suppressing minority voter turnout), Mark Kirk was also such a huge Jay-Z fan??  I personally had him pegged as more of a Vanilla Ice guy, but hey, guess the man is just full of surprises, right?

Big Pimpin' Kirk. He certainly's got 99 problems, but we all know a b*tch ain't one!

Of course, Mark's fabulous plan to send a bunch of suited-up Republican lawyers to question/harass the credentials of voters on Chicago's south side is in no way racist or anything, but simply a nice, Teabagger way of ensuring elections in this country are glistening clean, spotless, and 100 percent jigger-free.

At least someone has the basketballs big enough to stand up against the terrible widespread problem of voter fraud wingnuts are always shrieking about when not ranting about how The Gays, Muslims, and Blacky NObama are destroying America, despite the so-called Justice Department's finding virtually no evidence of any organized effort to skew federal elections.

But it must be true if Fox News says it is, right? Something about ACORN (or was it squirrels?) stealing all our votes in some menacing liberal plot to take over the world, one poor, disenfranchised neighborhood at a time.

So, ummm, a word of advice to Mark Kirk: unless you want your problems to keep getting bigger, or are brushing up your skills for your next gig as the state's best ditch digger, when trying to suppress minority votes via the big, bad BLACK vote rigger, it is probably best to avoid the word jigger, or any word ending in -igger for that matter, ya figure?

Unless you want people thinking the three K's in your name, MarK KirK, are no coincidence at all, and instead start jiggering around the letters until they get to a more appropriate name for a crazy cracker, like say, Mark KirKKK.

Hehe snigger!

It's A Bird, It's A Plane, It's A Black Man Stealing My Election!

How Much Does It Cost For An Old, Washed Up Maverick To Buy His Way Out Of Retirement & Win An Election?

Congratulations America! All your hard work, tireless efforts, and Cindy McCain's beer money have finally paid off because John McCain, THE John McCain, has officially defeated certified nutjob and
world-famous infomercial star J.D. Hayworth to win Arizona's Senate seat and return once again to Washington, DC to give the nation another six years (at least!) of good times and cheer watching a confused old man wander aimlessly, muttering to himself, through the hallowed halls of the U.S. Congress. Which sure beats doing the same thing in the hot, scary, Mexican-filled desert of his native land, Arizona!

So now that John McCain will officially never be voted out of office, because, much like their favorite ancient Senator and living fossil Gramps McCain, Arizona Republicans are also too old, confused, and ignorant to know what's going on, ever, the whole nation ('cept the Mexis!) can breathe a collective sigh of relief.

Three cheers for the pretend maverick! WOOHOO! Score one for America!

And to think, all he had to give up was the last, remaining specks of his integrity and legacy (Prisoner-of-War-turned-Prisoner-of Wingnuts?), while his long-suffering wife Cindy had to drop a cool $20 million just to finally get the old man back to DC, so she can go back to diddling the hunky pool boy like the good ol' pill-addled days.

So now that John McCain is back where he should be (and out of the wifey's way), let's take a moment to reflect upon the countless morals lost and trust funds tapped on the long, strange desert odyssey to defeat a teetotalin' lunatic on horseback initialed J.D. Hayworth and continue putting Country First by stowing his integrity in the ice box, along with SarBear, Cindy's petty cash, and his sanity.

Of course, with sweet Cindy's Budweiser-bought victory for Johnny, the only clear losers in the election were the people of Arizona, who had to endure a relentless barrage of sleazy ads from both sides, and as a result didn't really care who won, so long as the audio/visual assaults stopped. I mean, even a thousand screeching Cindy's, or salsa dancing Mexicans, would be a welcome respite from the god-awful ads these two cooked up!

Turnout at the polls was light for much of today for Arizona’s primary election, which will set the field for November races ranging from U.S. Senate to local constable.

As they turned out to cast ballots, many voters said they were turned off by relentless and negative campaign advertising, saying the mudslinging distracted the public from important issues like the economy and illegal immigration.

Totes! Ha ha, I mean like why isn't anyone talking about illegal immigration in Arizona of all places, lately?? Perhaps they completed the danged fence or maybe Gov. GI Jan Brewer is simply too busy fighting National Socialist threats like her heroic Nazi-hunting father to bother?

But now that America can rest assured knowing its collective grandfather will be around for as long as his frustratingly hearty genes allow him to continue selling his soul for power, the political watchdogs over at Esquire have gone ahead and crunched the numbers to find just how much of John Cindy McCain's beer fortune the old man blew to defeat an actual cartoon character and win Arizona's GOP senate primary.

Turns out, it is indeed possible to put a very large and very comical price per vote on what it cost the McCains to eke out an unimpressive victory in the hot, abandoned drug 'n Mexican-overrun wasteland known as Arizona.

So, with 56 percent of the vote (compared to J.D. Hayworth's 32 percent), the ol' maverHACK received approximately 281,347 votes. And considering the $21 million cost of his campaign, some simple elementary math reveals everyone's favorite septuagenarian paid approximately $74.64 for each one of his unenthusiastic votes — $21 million ÷ 281,347 = $74.64.

Now, it's no secret McCain has always paid a premium for every winning vote, but to put this desperation in proper perspective, McCain's 1982 congressional campaign cost $13.54 per vote in inflation-adjusted dollars ($550,000 ÷ 89,116 votes = $13.54), while the 2008 presidential race only cost him $5.03 per lever pull ($293 million ÷ 58.3 million votes = $5.03), but then again Johnny did have the natural advantage of running against an actual colored person, in America, which ya know always helps.

Besides, at this rate the McCain/Budweiser fortune should be totally shot by the next couple o' Senate races. Then, the grumpy old coot can finally go home, Cindy can again relapse into a Rx haze, and John McCain can return to starring in hilarious commercials wandering the vast Arizona desert searching for (white!) people to pay off in exchange for their vote.

But, if he were really smart, he would stop wasting his Cindy's money. For the price of just one vote, McCain could have hired like three illegals because you don't need a green card or English skills to know better than having a demented, old man wander the scary, illegal-filled wilderness of Arizona, alone and unarmed.

But, give the old man some credit. At least someone's still pumping money into this limp, lifeless economy.

Even if it's only to keep their own limp, lifeless carcass in the Senate, and out of some posh retirement community in Scottsdale. At Cindy's insistence, of course.

Someone Get This Man A Hot Dog. For God's Sake, I'd Say He's Earned It!

"Complete The Danged Fence," So John McCain Can Keep The Mexicans Out & Himself In The Senate

After losing whatever semblance of a sane mind still remained in the ol' tank, due to a powerful combination of both the scorching desert heat and a horseback riding nutjob gunning for the old man's senate seat, John McCain suddenly realized there's really nowhere farther to fall once you've reached rock bottom.

Which can be so freeing! Because now old man McCain can do whatever his li'l cold heart desires, without having to worry about silly things like consequences. A win-win situation for everyone! Err, except those damn Mexicans, but who really cares about them anyway?

Certainly not Johnny! Or at least not since 2008, when he traded his soul for something much better than any dumb, gross immigrant--the chance to lose the White House with a sexy moose huntin' mama from Alaska, whose killer ability to wink makes up for her killer inability to speak coherent sentences on, umm, anything ('cept killin' moose of course!).

So now that Johnny's free as a bird from any and all expectations of possessing even the slightest bit of morals or integrity, the original maverick-turned-running joke can flip-flip like a hooked fish, senile old man, the devil himself, or whatever it takes to win, baby win!

Even star in his own, god-awful, desperate campaign ad titled, "Complete The Danged Fence," where he pretends to be a nice, sane old man having a normal, everyday "conversation" with a sheriff, while casually strolling through the desert, about what the hell to do with those darn border-hoppers infesting the once proud, once beautiful, once-white desert of Arizona.

That way, he can prove to the concerned white pointed hat and matching robe wearing citizens back home that he is not in any way, shape, or form some arugula-eating, Mexican-lovin' softy who wants to create a pathway to citizenship for even a single one of the no-good stinkin' Mexican jumping beans hoppin' every which way, 'til every last one of 'em ends up rapin' and killin' in the white man's state of Aryanzona.

No sir-ee!

Instead, he gets to wear an awesome NAVY hat (to show the world he means business and maybe remind the folks 'bout those few years spent in a Vietnamese prison, for freedom!), while having a hairless sheriff (so you know you can trust him) pretend his plan to "complete the danged fence" is the most brilliant solution to immigration since the Final Solution figured out how to finally rid Europe of those pesky Jews.

Then, to really seal the deal, Mr. Clean, the sheriff, can look you, John S. McCain, straight in the eye and proudly declare, "Senator, you're one of us."

And you can die happy and fulfilled, knowing that you too are a paranoid, racist old coot with no backbone, and even less principles.

In other words, the esteemed living fossil and still-proud GOP senator from the newly-gated, parched desert retirement community known as Arizona.

But you can just call it by its new name, Guantánamo.

Más o menos.

Sí, Se Puede Race-Bait To Win!

Harry Reid's Dirty, Sexy Thoughts On Republicans' Dirty, Sexy, Money

Frustrated over the excruciatingly slow, molasses-like pace of financial reform in the Senate, courtesy of the Grand Obstructionist Party's reluctance to so much as even open debate (it only took three separate tries!) or move forward in any way, shape, or form (progress is evil!), sweet talkin' senate majority leader "Dirty" Harry Reid blasted the trick-turnin' Republicans for refusing to stop whoring themselves out to the big pimpin' high rollers on Wall Street, like one of Spitzer's many favorite high-class call girls.

Citing weeks-long talks between top negotiators Chris Dodd (D-Conn.) and Richard Shelby (R-Ala.) going nowhere, as well as the not one, not two, but three procedural votes needed to even open debate, as evidence of the Republicans' reluctance to move forward on the legislation, Reid slammed the corner-hustling street walkers comprising the Republican Party.

Guess even a meek ol' Mormon like Harry has a breaking point.

"The Republicans are having difficulty determining how they're going to continue making love to Wall Street," Reid said. "It's obvious that they do not want to put any decent restrictions on what Wall Street has done or are doing."

And why, on God's Green (for now) Earth, would they either? No one knows how to give 'em the full body rubdown quite like the strong, able hands of Goldman Sachs and Credit Suisse (with their exotic oils and blends, and those smooth European hands!).

Besides, the only other hands with the sweet touch the GOP craves was already booked by minister George Alan Rekers, who needed some sweet man handlin' himself while off pretending to be straight in Europe and Bermuda, with the hot piece of man tail he hired on a gay escort service site.

But not everyone, especially those the comments were specifically directed at, appreciates the sexytime thoughts of an old Mormon senator from Nevada.

"Considering Nevada's unemployment stands at 13%, Senator Reid would be well-advised to get his mind off sex and onto getting America's economy back on track," National Republican Senatorial Committee Communications Director Brian Walsh said.

Like a certain responsible, lesbian-bondage club thumpin' RNC Chairman, Michael "Balls Of" Steele?

But Harry don't care 'bout what lies those greedy ho's be pushin' on the American peeps, and is standing (firmly) by his comments.

Asked for clarification, Reid's spokesman Jim Manley said, "What can I say? It's true. Republicans are making love to Wall Street while Main Street is getting screwed.”

Ooooh, sounds sexy!

Now, that's not completely fair. I mean, if Main Street didn't want it so bad, how come they're always begging for it, with their low-cut tank tops, and black, lace-up, f**k-me boots?

Ugh, those mom 'n pop sluts on Main Street!

Either way, a Republican-version of a new Wall Street reform bill was voted down 38-61 on Thursday, with two Republicans joining all 59 Democrats to blue-ball the GOP's so-called consumer-protection bill, which President Obama blasted as "worse than the status quo."

"I will not allow amendments like this one written by Wall Street's lobbyists to pass for reform," Obama said.

But, Deputy Treasury Secretary Neal Wolin called talk of a possible veto "premature."

No doubt, a criticism the Grand Old Party of impotent white men have heard on more than one occasion.

"We're just trying to make sure consumers have the tools and information to make sensible choices with their financial resources," said Sen. Jack Reed (D-R.I.). "But unfortunately, it appears the other side of the aisle wants to make it appear they are strengthening consumer protection when they are really not doing much but just enforcing the status quo."

You mean like pretending they're packing more than just a semi-automatic 9mm Glock in their pants?

"We're doing this to provide a more rational and constructive alternative to what our Democratic colleagues are trying to slip by the American people," Sen. Richard Shelby said.

Ummm, don't you mean slip in the American people, Senator?

"It will create a massive new bureaucracy whose power and autonomy has no current equivalent to anywhere in the federal government. It can do whatever it wants, whenever it wants without any supervision or real check on its authority."

Just how the GOP likes it!

Huge, rough, insatiable, unprotected, and forced to take whatever Big Daddy shoves in their gagged-and-bound, leather mask-covered face.

"Alternatives that gut consumer protections and do nothing to empower the American people by cracking down on unfair and predatory practices are unacceptable, and I urge the Senate to vote no on weakening consumer protections and instead stand with the American people," President Obama said.

Only if you get down on both knees and beg. But you might want to steer clear of the words "urge" and "predatory."

Otherwise, they could be (mis)construed as something waaaaaay different than Wall Street reform.

Like say a Republican donor meeting, or something perverted like that.

Friendly Kentucky Sen. Jim Bunning Does Not Share Elevators With Freak Journalists

Legendary Kentucky-fried anger ball and ruthless pariah, Sen. Jim Bunning took his furious, red-faced jihad against poor people to the Hart Senate Office Building where he showed all the poise and tact of a rogue hippopotamus under duress when asked a simple question about his own rogue, one-man crusade against extending unemployment benefits to poor, pathetic Americans who can't even hold onto a job. Losers!

Asked by ABC News reporters to at least attempt to explain his bizarre, solo decision to block a bill aimed at alleviated the suffering of those hardest hit by the recession, Jim Bunning acted just they way you'd expect a washed-up MLB pitcher turned U.S. Senator to act if he was beaned in the head one too many times by one of his own legendary fastballs: totally insane.

Refusing to answer a single question about his one-man filibuster of a bill extending health and unemployment benefits to struggling Americans, like whether he gives two sh*ts about those losing their benefits as a result of his wise choice, Bunning instead chose the high road by giving reporters the silent treatment.

"I'm not talking to anybody," Bunning huffed then "walked toward the elevator and shot the middle finger over his head."

This is of course what normal elected officials to the world's greatest legislative body do when asked simple questions about their legislative actions.

They also have near mental breakdowns when members of the terrible mainstream media or other subhuman invaders try to weasel their way into fancy contraptions that move vertically to deliver very important people and/or cargo from one floor to another, all without having to take a step. Like magic!

Like when ABC correspondent Jon Karl dared go near the precious Hart Senate office building up-and-down contraption thingamajig Bunning was already occupying.

"Excuse me! This is a Senator's only elevator!"

Same for the sweet li'l lady thinking her tight behind and flowing blonde locks might help soften Jim Bunning's industrial grade steel heart.

"Excuse me!" he yelled. "I've got to go to the floor!"

That's where all the cranky old baseball pitchers go to spend their twilight years, making other people's lives as miserable as their own. It's practically a GOP tradition!

"My republican colleagues came to the floor and talked about process," Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid said. "They had a right to do that. Well, under the rules, I guess that's true, Mr. president. If you can't afford to feed your kids, that doesn't mean anything."

Nor apparently does being mentally stable enough to serve in the U.S. Senate, as Bunning was more than happy to demonstrate to the good folks who he continues to gleefully screw over in their darkest time of need.

It's like Sen. John Kerry explained, "as long as the GOP leadership continues with the scorched-earth campaign, it will be tough to get done the things we know we need to do."

Send Mr. Bunning to ye olde big elevator in the sky?

"We need this to end. Debate big differences. Disagree. Use the filibuster when big matters of principle hang in the balance - and sometimes they do. But at the end of the day, Washington has to function - people are counting on it," Kerry said.

"When it comes to unemployment insurance for workers who have been laid-off through no fault of their own, stop playing games immediately, allow a vote, and then get to work trying to solve some problems, not playing tricks with the Senate rules. The framers invested the minority with rights to protect the Senate - not to destroy it."

Lol. So true, what do you think Jim Bunning's there for? Comedic effect? His breathtaking beauty?

Or maybe they're just trying to fill their quota for deranged, racist, old white men with the necessary warrior heart and athletic prowess to throw wicked, two-seam fastballs at poor struggling Americans who can't even afford a variety bucket of the Colonel's original recipe.

High Five America!

Crazy Kentucky Sen. Jim Bunning Throws A Curveball At Helping Poor, Struggling Americans

See this sweet face?

Well, get to know it my friends, because this scrumptious mug belongs to none other than insane electoral aberration, Kentucky's very own illiterate contribution to society, Senator Jim Bunning, who likely just cost your broke, out-of-work ass any and all health and unemployment benefits heading your way. Yay!

Yes, thanks to this pillar of the Senate community's wise decision to single-handedly block a bill extending expiring unemployment benefits and health care payments to jobless Americans, your already miserable, pathetic existence just got even more unbearable. Three cheers for Jimbo!

Under whatever obscure, soul-crushing, nation-destroying Senate rule our beloved minority party discovered while collectively losing their minds over a socialist black president named Barry, a deranged one-man trainwreck like Sen. Jim Bunning can indeed derail an entire legislative body's ability to function, all because rich white people like him are infinitely superior than dumb povs like you and I.

But what's fueling this distinguished gentleman from the magical land of fried chicken and $1,000 mint juleps' one-man quest to screw over everything and anything, particularly those with pulses but not jobs?

It's "just awful," Sen. Jay Rockefeller (D-W.Va.) said. "You've got to be pretty mad about something to stop the extension of unemployment insurance."

Or you could just be that one weirdo former Hall of Fame pitcher who somehow duped the good people of Kentucky into believing that his ability to paint the outside corner with a 95 mph heater for the Phillies somehow makes him qualified to throw filibusters as a fringe member of the world's greatest deliberative body.

You know, the same beloved mental giant who looooves taking his anger and frustration out on America's poor, unemployed population because the meany Democrats ambushed him, and forced him to actually explain his objection to extending aid and benefits to said jobless men and woman, thus causing Mr. Bunning to miss his precious Kentucky-South Carolina basketball game. The selfish bastards!

Okay, okay, so ol' Jim Bunning isn't winning any senate congeniality awards--and is largely considered "one of the more eccentric members of the Senate, who doesn't mingle much with his colleagues, can be gruff, rarely talks to the press," and in his exchanges with Democrats, refers to President Barack Obama as "your president."

He doesn't do the whole "black president" thing.

In fact, Bunning is such a pariah that even the Republican leaders in his own Grand Old Party of a**holes can't stand the sight of him, and are forcing the old coot to retire this year rather than run for re-election.

"Just when we thought they couldn't sink any lower, Republican obstructionists are now using Americans who have lost their jobs to make a political point," said Brad Woodhouse, spokesman for the Democratic National Committee. "Shameful."

The Senate's No. 2 ranking Democrat, Richard Durbin of Illinois, tried to get Bunning to finally agree to stop denying aid to tens of thousands of Americans struggling to make ends meet, even reading letters from Kentucky residents in a desperate attempt to thaw his ice-cold heart.

"I just don’t think one senator ought to be able to heap this kind of suffering and misfortune on people who are already struggling in this economy," Senator Durbin said. "This is a wild pitch you are throwing tonight because it is pitch that is hitting somebody in the stands."

Awww snap, hit him where it hurts, Dick!

Senator Claire McCaskill also blasted Bunning, saying his obstruction proved how far removed some lawmakers were from the plight of out-of-work Americans.

"It is easy to get out of touch around this place," Sen. McCaskill said. "People open doors for you and bow and scrape. It's really easy to forget what people are going through, what families are feeling right now. And really, 30 days of unemployment insurance – have we gotten to the point that that’s going to be a political football?"

Don't be ridiculous! We're talking baseball references here, Claire!

Either way, all appeals to reason and decency were lost upon the good man from Kentucky, whose simple two-word response, "Tough sh*t" pretty much said it all. That and the fact he is not seeking re-election in November due to a lack of basic sanity requirements and financial support because it's hard to raise money when you're a miserable bastard who no one likes.

"I'm trying to make a point to the people of the United States," Bunning said.

Never elect racist, 78-year-old washed up Major League lunatics from states whose biggest claim to fame is widespread obesity and rampant heart disease courtesy of Colonel Sanders secret spice.

Great Scott! Anything Can Happen When Brown Turns Blue...

Oh no, the end is near! Republican Great White Hope, one-time nude model, Scott Brown, who was supposed to ride his freedom truck to Washington, DC to save America from its socialist death slide, has instead voted with the tyrannical Democratic majority to destroy a Republican filibuster of the terrible, new $15 billion 'Jobs Bill' to bring the Bushwhacked economy back from the abyss.

Okay, so maybe we should have been slightly suspicious when he refused to wear clothes for that hoity-toity, elitist magazine cover, Cosmo something or other. But seriously Scott, aligning with the DEMONcrats on only your second Senate vote? For shame!

Is this what you think the good Teabaggers of Massachusetts had in mind when they trampled Teddy Kennedy's ol' bones, destroying decades of hard work and dedication in a revolutionary wave of racism and insanity, to ensure the rest of America doesn't have the kind of terrible, Socialist, government-run health care they currently enjoy?

I should certainly hope not!

But here we are, once again thisclose to condemning another one of evil Barry's awful bills to create jobs for Americans to slow death in filibuster hell (where it belongs), and this bleeding-heart hippie in Teabagger's clothes jumps ship, joining Democrats in order to move forward and allow actual debate on the bill. Gasp!

And as if that wasn't bad enough, four other alleged Republicans suddenly decided they too care about creating jobs for poor Americans who need them, even more than creating tax cuts for rich Americans who don't, and decided to join Brown over on the dark side called progress.

Republican turncoats, Sens. Susan Collins, Olympia Snowe, Kit Bond, and George Voinovich also bucked GOP leadership, instead siding with Democrats and rational thought, by giving Dems the 60 votes they needed to support the bill--and thus destroy everything we love about America, like unemployment, inflation, and rising costs of living.

But fear not Republicans, there's still plenty Brown can do for you! Especially when wearing a suit, refraining from inhaling the exhaust fumes from his truck, and flexing his brain instead of just his biceps.

In other words, when not forced to prove his conservative street cred to a bunch of morons named after the sexual act of choice of drunken frats and high school house parties, and dressed like Benjamin Franklin, John Adams, and Alexander Hamilton if they were about to shoot a Snapple ad, in order to win a special election against a piece of driftwood by the name of Martha.

I came to Washington to be an independent voice, to put politics aside, and to do everything in my power to help create jobs for Massachusetts families. This Senate jobs bill is not perfect. I wish the tax cuts were deeper and broader, but I voted for it because it contains measures that will help put people back to work.

Hopefully, the kind that requires clothing.

What About Us?? Obama Assures Neglected Dems He Loves Them Too (In Spite of Being Massive Failures)

Jealous that the Socialist president everybody despises but secretly wants to jump into bed with, Barack Obama, spent some Quality Time alone with the terrible House Republicans during their group sex therapy rehab session policy retreat, the Democrats are now demanding Barry come to their powwow and bash them for being a bunch of pussy failures who ruin everything, too!

Of course, the historic Newseum in Washington DC isn't nearly as exciting as the Republicans' secret (sex?) bunker in Baltimore, but what do you expect from the party who thinks having an overwhelming majority means acting like a petrified minority with nary a legislative trick to stop them from being completely steamrolled by the scary Republican minority juggernaut, whom they outnumber 59-41? Yikes!

So, Barry is forced to go before his very competent and functional, brave Democratic party members to remind them yet again that George W. Bush is no longer president and, as such, they no longer have to hide quivering behind the inflatable Ronny Reagan blow-up doll Rahmbo brought in case of emergency. Like John McCain in the midst of one of his signature meltdowns (after embarrassing himself on live teevee again!) or Chuck Grassely scouring desperately for another teet to suckle (watch out, Nancy!).

Special thanks to the bravery of Barney Frank, who so generously volunteered his services to ensure all Democratic men are safe (at least for the time being) from the wide-stance ways of notorious man-tail hunter, Sen. Larry Craig.

So, everybody was all excited about President Obama's lovely pep talk with the Dems (especially Fox News), urging them that "we still have to lead" and not to give up, even after losing the filibuster-proof supermajority (they were too s-s-s-s-scared to take advantage of anyway). Hooray!

"All that's changed in the last two weeks is that our party's gone from having the largest Senate majority in a generation to the second largest Senate majority in a generation," Obama said. "And we've gotta remember that."

Then please feel free to squander it as you normally would.

But it wasn't all lectures and disappointment on Obama's end. No sir-ee! Barry even found some way to work in some praise and a few, "job well dones" or at least "job well trieds."

Like thanking the Democrats for not giving up in the face of unrelenting Republican obstructionism (and idiocy), and praising them for overcoming "enormous procedural obstacles that are unprecedented" in modern times, noting the fact that they cast more filibuster-breaking votes last year than in the entire 1950s and 1960s combined (so, at least they have more balls than the hippies?).

"That's 20 years of obstruction packed into just one...We extend a hand and all we get is a fist in return."

Time to put up your dukes, boys...and Nancy!

"I've said this before to this caucus, I want to say it again: for me it is constantly important to remind myself why I got into this in the first place.... You don't get into this for the fame, for the title. You get into it because at some point in time there was an issue that made you want to stand up and be counted, to fight for something."

Ehhh, not really. Unless changing the BCS rules counts, cause if so, then yes, hell yes!

"One of those issues being healthcare (Doh!): Well here we are, with a chance to change it.... As we think about moving forward, I hope we don't lose sight of why we're here. We've got to finish the job on health care. We've got to finish the job on financial regulatory reform. We've got to finish the job even though it's hard."

"If everyone here turned off their CNN, their Fox, turn off the TV, blogs (no!) and go out and meet real people ... they don't care quite frankly about majorities and minorities. We've got to get out of the echo chamber. That was a mistake I made last year, I didn't get out of here enough."

Hear that? Away from you freakshows and your echo chambers. Away, awaaay, awwaaaayy, awwwaaaaaayyyyy, awwwwaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyy...

"What I'm not open to is a decision to stay on the sidelines and then assign blame. I have little patience for the kinds of political calculations that says the benefit of blocking everything is greater than the cost of doing nothing. That basically says if you lose, I win."

Well, Barry don't play that game, biaaatch!

But before he bid adieu, President Obama urged Democrats not to shrivel up like a wilting flower after losing their magical 60th Senate seat in January's Massachusetts special "incompetence edition" election.

"If anybody's searching for a lesson from Massachusetts, I promise you, the answer is not to do nothing."

It is to run like hell, shrieking at the top of your lungs and hoping, no, make that praying, that a certain Cosmo model from Massachusetts by the name of Scott Brown, doesn't mow you flat over in his gas-guzzling, macho pickup truck careening through New England en route to Washington, DC, where he will sit proudly atop Teddy Kennedy's ol' bones and contemplate the best way to rape ride his legacy full steam into the White House Oval Office.

Which, unlike NObama's hideous chocolate-hued mug, actually matches the lovely shape (not to mention color!) of his aesthetically beautiful, perfectly symmetrical face.

Scott Brown Blames Those With Ears For Dumb, Stupid Scott Brown Comments

Pretend moderate and former Cosmo nudie model Scott Brown is doing his best to blow any and all chance of snagging Ted Kennedy's coveted senate seat, thus relieving the good people of Massachusetts from years of elite liberal oppression.

Being in the über-liberal queer paradise of Massachusetts, Scott Brown may be smart enough to pretend he's never so much as heard of that rag-tag group of freedom fighters affectionately known as teabaggers, but he's apparently too dumb to realize that calling the President of the United States a bastard may not be the best way to win a one-way to ticket to Washington to attend to the very important task of derailing health care reform and spitting on the grave of Ted Kennedy.

Here is the lovely, albeit fully-clothed, Mr. Brown during the 2008 Republican convention, defending the "good, core values" of Mother-of-the-Year Sarah Palin, whose savvy parenting skills include just one unwed, pregnant teenage daughter, out of three possible chances. Which Scott thinks is pretty darn good!

Unlike that illegitimate lovechild Barack Obama whose shadeball parents probably weren't even married when they popped out li'l Barry somewhere in the Kenyan wilderness.

BROWN: And quite frankly, Barack’s mom had him when she was, what, 18 years old?

GUEST: And married!

BROWN: Hahahaha, well, I don’t know about that.

HAHAHAHAHAHA, a real hoot! Semi-black illegals don't do normal AMERICAN things like exchange vows, but okay, whatever you say about Obama's parents being "married" and all. Sure, he'll buy it. Wink, wink.

But wait! What's this latest response from Scott Brown spokesman Eric Fehrnstrom about Obama being born (or possibly even hatched) out of wedlock?

"He doesn’t believe that. This is more desperate campaigning from Martha Coakley. When she isn't calling for higher taxes, she's making things up about Scott Brown."

She's even transforming herself into a 51-year-old one-time supermodel in order to make Mr. Nice Guy Scott Brown look like some sort of mindless fool on national teevee!

It's all Martha's fault, of course! She's the one who dressed in drag and went on air to say those terrible things about Barry's family. Not sweet, Scott! COAKLEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But for some strange reason, the Dems aren't buying what Scott's selling, with DNC spokesman Hari Sevugan firing back at the latest nonsensical claim by Republican strategists:

"Why did he say it then? Whether it's on this issue, or choice or taxes, Scott Brown has a disturbing and telling history of saying one thing at one time, and another thing later on. The only thing that's clear is that Scott Brown is not who he says he is."

You mean a male model?? Well, excuuuuse him for being humble and not wanting to make everyone else look bad.

Being really, really ridiculously good looking isn't his fault. Must be that dang Martha again!

Battle for the Bay: Martha Coakley vs. Scott Brown

Democrats Yay, Republicans Nay On Merry Christmas Eve Day!

In the wee hours of morning, the Senate, err rather, the socialist Democratic Senate passed on a 60-39 party line vote a sweeping health care bill that will tighten insurance regulations, provide coverage for 31 million more Americans and cost $871 billion over the next decade.

"This is for my friend Ted Kennedy, aye," said Sen. Robert Byrd, who much to the dismay of Sen. Tom Coburn and heartbroken teabaggers countrywide, was able to stave off joining his old pal just long enough to roll his ol' bones down to the chamber to cast his vote with the rest of the meanie Dems who want to help insure Americans out of some weird, inexplicable desire to help people.

Then just for laughs and also delirium from lack of sleep, Master Harry Reid mistakenly voted no before changing his vote to yes, which caused quite a hoot in the chamber, especially from Senate Republican Leader Mitch McConnell.

Until it vanished without a trace, leaving only the tattered remnants of a frumpy sad sack minority leader with a history of bad judgment and a penchant for screwing the American people.

After the awkward vote, Reid joked, "I spent a very restless night last night trying to figure out how I could show some bipartisanship and I think I was able to accomplish that for a few minutes."

Yeah, cause now we all believe you don't want to shoot yourself in the face over that little faux pas. Thanks, totally not awkward now.

In case anyone cares or knows who the hell he is other than a washed-up MLB pitcher turned washed-up Kentucky Senator, Jim Bunning was absent for the vote. Not like he was voting for that unchristian piece of sh*t anyhow.

So with Vice President Joe Biden presiding over the session (presumably to make sure he was the only one f**king things up...ahem, Harry) to prove for the fourth time in as many days, that the Democrats could muster the necessary majority and stop being the kind of blubbering pansies that Dick Cheney gets off on.

Channeling Ted Kennedy, Harry Reid opened the floor saying, "The work goes on. The cause endures… and yet here we are, minutes away from doing what others have tried but none have achieved."

Republican leader Mitch McConnell responded, "This fight isn't over. My colleagues and I will work to stop this bill from becoming law. That's the clear will of the American people — and we're going to continue to fight on their behalf."

Umm, yeah about that...You've all been working so hard, why don't you boys go and take yourself a break. You've earned it! Get some rest. Spend some time with Grandma and the kids. Shoot some quails. Roast some chestnuts. Sip some eggnog. Tend the fire. Sing some good holiday cheer and thank the Lord Jesus for making you a real freedom-loving American unlike the sorry SOBs and miserable wretches who keep electing you to office.

Hahahaha all those pathetic povs, just one honey glazed ham bone away from death and/or bankruptcy.

But either way, Merry Christmas and God Bless America!

Divine Intervention (and Plenty of Pork) Keeps Health Care Reform From Being FiliBUSTED!

Are you there God? It's me, Harry

Please God, let Joe Lieberman be struck down by some terribly contagious rash that then makes its way into the brain of that insufferable pro-life fetus whore Ben Nelson so we can finally look like a legislative body capable of getting something accomplished other than giving Glenn Beck one more reason to have a hysterical breakdown and weep like a baby on national TV. Because I don't think anyone, myself included, wants to explain to dungeon master Nancy Pelosi why exactly we can't crack the whip like a certain lady speaker who shall remain nameless but isn't afraid to break out the big guns to bring the boys in line.

What's that you say, God? You offered that intolerable Nebraskan fellow a hearty chunk of pork (even though we all know your thoughts on that filthy animal) for his beloved home state and now he suddenly loves the health care bill even more than he loves unborn fetuses??

Wow, you really are all-powerful! To think you got a curmudgeon like Ben Nelson to sign on as the key 60th vote to stop a Republican filibuster and all it took was a nice slab o' swine for the Cornhuskers and a few tweaks to the ol' abortion language?

What's that, Lord? It was all in a day's work? And you already had plenty of clout with most congressmen (save for that one freak atheist socialist Bernie Sanders), not just the whole "I hate health care and womens' reproductive rights unless there's something in it for me" wing of the party? All you did was wave some porky perks and tasty abortion restrictions and Ben Nelson was suddenly putty in your hands?

Is there no limit to your awesomeness?

"I know this is hard for some of my colleagues to accept and I appreciate their right to disagree," said Nelson of the many changes made at his behest. "But I would not have voted for this bill without these provisions."

Hahaha, no wonder they call you God and not Harry Reid!

Joe Lieberman Wins His Millionth Consecutive Worst Person Award!

Seriously, I'm beginning to think the best public option for health care reform may be to kill Joe Lieberman and simply be done with the whole "Wah Wah nobody likes me because I'm a dishonest, deceitful, conniving, backstabbing, boring old fuddyduddy who sucks the oxygen from every room" routine. Because, quite frankly, it's getting a bit stale.

But the will of millions of Americans, and the 59 Democratic senators working hard to get something done other than desperately trying to get that chocolate-hued President tossed out on his behind, means nothing to ol' Joe! Nor does going back on his pledge to support the Medicare buy-in proposal HE insisted replace the so-called "public option" for no reason except the sheer enjoyment he gets from personally destroying other peoples' happiness.

It's just Joe's style.

From Talking Points Memo:

In a move that senior leadership aides say has left them stunned, Sen. Joe Lieberman (I-CT) has told Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) that he will filibuster a tentative public option compromise unless it's stripped of its key component: a measure that would allow people aged 55-64 to buy insurance through Medicare.

The development casts substantial doubt on whether or not a health care reform bill can pass in the Senate, and even more doubt on whether a bill that does pass the Senate will be reconcilable with substantially more progressive House legislation in such a way that a final reform package can once again pass in both chambers of Congress.

Ummm yeah that's usually what happens when the key 60th vote suddenly decides he now absolutely despises and will have nothing to do with the very Medicare buy-in proposal HE SUPPORTED THREE MONTHS AGO simply because, well, it pains him terribly to do anything to help anyone except himself. Ever.

So, now the question becomes how will the White House and an enraged Harry Reid respond to the latest slap-in-the-face by professional turncoat Joe Lieberman? Shall they bring the smackdown and get his wayward ass back in line by threatening to strip him of his beloved chairmanships or continue the whole "Munich" approach since it worked so well with Hitler and all?

The White House is encouraging Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.) to cut a deal with Sen. Joe Lieberman (I-Conn.) and eliminate the proposed Medicare expansion in the health reform bill, according to an official close to the negotiations.

But Reid is described as so frustrated with Lieberman that he is not ready to sacrifice a key element of the health care bill, and first wants to see the Congressional Budget Office cost analysis of the Medicare buy-in. The analysis is expected early this week.

“There is a weariness and a lot of frustration that one person is holding up the will of 59 others,” the official said. “There is still too much anger and confusion at one particular senator’s reversal.”

Which is why a really great idea would be to now change the bill, or at least get rid of the latest addition Joe insisted upon but now can't stand in order to appease the old coot until he comes up with the next pretend reason why he must ruin everything. For everyone. Again.

But hey, don't blame Joe. He's just doing what he does best!

After Monday evening's meeting with the White House to discuss how to proceed, Sen. Evan Bayh, a moderate Democrat, said, "To use an old cliche, the general consensus was we shouldn't make the perfect the enemy of the good."

Of course not! We should make the asshole its best friend instead.

The Two L Belles Grudingly Allow Health Care To Reach Debate Before Destroying It

Looking For A Few Good Women

Phew! Just when it looked like those rascally Blue Dogs would crush the whole health care reform debate before it even started, the Southern Bobbsey Twins, Sens. Blanche Lincoln (D-AR) and Mary Landrieu (D-LA), figured why the hell not call their own bluff and let the Senate debate the one piece of legislation it has spent the better part of the year crafting to provide affordable medical care to millions of people. True American heroes, those two!

Yes, thanks to this dynamic duo from the dirty South, the Senate lovingly voted 60-39 along perfectly partisan lines to actually allow debate on the controversial health care reform bill to turn America into Soviet Russia and bless us humble peasants with a chance to maybe, just maybe have a health care system that doesn't treat the public as living, breathing (but hopefully not for long) get-rich-quick schemes.

This means that after Thanksgiving, Democrats and Republicans will offer hundreds of amendments and debate important matters like death panels and Nazis for several weeks before holding yet another procedural supermajority vote--this time, on whether to end debate. If that gets the magic numero 60, the Senate will have the delightful task of holding an up-or-down vote on passage of the bill.

But fear not because loyal(?) Democrats Blanche Lincoln and Mary Landrieu would like the American people to know that they'll switch their vote and kill the sh*t out of the bill if there is anything even remotely resembling a public option, so help them God.

“Let me be perfectly clear,” Sen. Blanche Lincoln (D-AR) said on the floor of the Senate. “I am opposed to a new government administered health care plan as a part of comprehensive health insurance reform, and I will not vote in favor of the proposal that has been introduced by Leader Reid as it is written...I’ve already alerted the Leader and I’m promising my colleagues that I’m prepared to vote against moving to the next stage of consideration as long as a government-run public option is included."

Same goes for that Mary lady.

"I believe it's going to be very clear at some point very soon that there are not 60 votes for the current provision in the bill, and that the leader and the leadership are going to have to make a decision and I trust that they will figure out how to do that," Landrieu said.

Yay! After a century-old tradition of Ass-Backwards Conservative Southern Democrats siding with the GOP to kill liberal reforms and any progress in general, these two li'l ladies were finally persuaded to not act like Joe Lieberman's evil stepsisters and do the right thing by supporting their party in a landmark bill to help Americans not die.

Or at least enough to bring the socialist piece of sh*t to debate so they could really say what they think. Which is of course that they despise it and want nothing to do with it or its grandma-murdering death squads. Except Blanche Lincoln, who may or may not like it, depending on how much she wants to get smashed in the primaries by a real, pro health care reform Democrat come 2010.

But either way, at least everyone can share a hearty laugh when they strip out the public option and crazy Republicans still call this a "government takeover of health care" and Blanche Lincoln still loses and everyone still dies from lack of coverage.

Hooray!

Et Tu, Blue Dogs?

Everyone knows there's more than one way to eat a Reese's, but turns out there's also more than one option when it comes to a public option. For health care, of course!

So while our dear friends in the Senate Finance Committee have (shockingly?) voted down not one, but two amendments adding a government-run health insurance plan to the reform legislation, there is still a chance the public option might live to see another day when the full Senate takes a look-see instead of just the grumpy, tight-wads running the Finance Committee.

Never mind the Republicans rationale for killing both very different but equally evil public options, since they denounce all proposals that don't boost their bottom lines, re-election chances, or the likelihood of a certain black U.S. president getting the ol' one-term heave ho out of the let's keep-it-that-way White House.

While Republicans naturally hate anything that helps anyone ever, most Democrats (who aren't from Montana or one of the Dakotas) support the public measure, and are locked in heated debate over the best ways to craft it.

But even the eager-beaver efforts of Democratic Senators Jay Rockefeller and Chuck Schumer to find budget-conscious solutions without hurting the precious insurance industry (patients eh, less so) by offering an affordable, fair, and viable public alternative for health care wasn't enough to convince some of a complete government takeover. Perhaps the worst to happen since the U.S Postal Service mercilessly crushed competitors Federal Express, UPS, Airborne Express, DHL, and other struggling corporate behemoths??

Good thing Senate Finance Committee chairman Montana 'Blue Dog' Democrat Max Baucus' sound reasoning for voting against both amendments: that a public option wouldn't pass the Senate--only makes sense if the Dems keep acting like a bunch of GOP-whipped pussies scared of straight-up filibusterin' their asses into submission. Just your typical twisted Democratic need to put manners ahead of progress. Call it winner's guilt. Sure, they might not get anything done about a health care system that leaves millions uninsured and bankrupts the economy, but at least no one can say they weren't polite.

Manners people!

Liberal Lion Ted Kennedy Roars No More

Oh no! Ted “Edward” Kennedy, longtime liberal lion of the Senate and relative of all the assorted other famous Kennedys, has finally succumbed to a combination of old age and brain cancer.

Which is really sad, though with the whole health care debate raging, it must be said the man could not have picked a more inconvenient time to die.

So now that the question of what to do about Ted Kennedy's vacant senate seat is no longer a rhetorical one, the big question becomes whether the folks in Massachusetts will heed Teddy's last request begging the governor and state lawmakers to change that terrible succession law (calling for a special election FIVE MONTHS after a senate vacancy) to guarantee that the fine citizens of Taxachusettes will not lack a senate seat come vote time.

Well it seems legislators are finally starting to come around and warm up to the idea of scrapping the whole mandatory five-month wait thing because no one wants to be held responsible for singlehandedly killing the chances of a health care reform bill passing and spitting on the last wishes of a dying man.

So while the world mourns the passing of a true American hero and one of the last remaining champions of the downtrodden, mighty liberal God Ted Kennedy, America can be happy knowing his death was not in vain.

Republicans, most of whom have spent the better part of the last two months or so fighting against Comrade Barry's Nazi plot to bring affordable health insurance to all Americans, will no longer be able to fight against the pure socialist evil known as universal health care, now that it will likely be renamed the Teddy Kennedy Memorial Bill.

And what kind of heartless monster could say no to that?

No one unless they hate Ted Kennedy, whose remarkable 50-year service as the "Lion of the Senate" cemented his status as a progressive God, and saw him spearhead such progressive causes as overturning Reagan’s veto of the anti-apartheid sanctions in South Africa, preventing a certifiable lunatic like Robert Bork from sitting on the Supreme Court, and numerous other bills to help the "needy" like children, the disabled, immigrants and those afflicted with the AIDS and cancer. And let's not forget his most important contribution to society: giving the Obama girls a magic dog!

God, we're gonna miss this guy. And to think, all Strom Thurmond ever did was live to 100 and still hate black people!

Barack Obama Celebrates His "Birthday"

Happy Birthday Barry, that is if you were even born and not immaculately conceived in the town of Bethlehem some two thousand years ago.

If it is indeed true that Barack Hussein Obama was actually birthed from the womb of his white Kansas mother as he claims and not hatched from a primordial egg in outer space, the President of America will celebrate his 48th year of consciousness today.

He'll spend the high holy day in closed door meetings at the White House where he will plot with the entire Democratic Senate caucus how best to turn America into the Soviet Union and whether he wants chocolate or vanilla birthday cake this year. Ugh, decisions!

Hell, maybe this year Barry will even go out on a limb and go with a nice mix. Marble cake anyone?

Sen. Charles Grassley Still A Twitterin' Fool

Republican Sen. and Twitter sensation Charles Ernest "Chuck" Grassley has taken to the Internets once again to spew nonsense at that terrible President Barack Obama for having the nerve to fix the nation's health care system NOW instead of waiting indefinitely and letting it die a miserable death on the Senate floor, like Grassley and his bipartisan crew of morons and traitors would like.

A crew consisting of none other than Nebraska pseudo Democrat Ben Nelson (hey, it's Nebraska, what did you expect?) and America's least popular Senator from Connecticut, cranky old turncoat Joe "Wah Wah" Lieberman. Yeah!

Just like Twitter King Grassley, these caring lawmakers are committed to "providing relief for American families as quickly as possible, but believe taking additional time to achieve a bipartisan result is critical for legislation that affects 17 percent of our economy and every individual in the U.S."

Guess they just wanna doRITE!

What Happens In Vegas, Stays In Vegas?

No Foot Tapping, Just Some Old-Fashioned Cheating!

Look on the bright side Republicans, at least Nevada Sen. John Ensign's torrid extra-marital affair was with a young female staffer on his payroll, not an anonymous cop in the Minneapolis airport men's restroom. Congratulations!

Turns out, Johnny boy wasn't even messing around behind his wife's back, since all this monkey business didn't happen until after he was already separated from his lovely wife Darlene, who you'll be happy to know, still "loves" her no-good, cheating scoundrel of a husband very much.

While Ensign's marriage may have become "stronger" after his little sexual indiscretion, his presidential aspirations unfortunately haven't fared quite as well.

Confessed just two weeks after a visit to the Republican presidential-primary state of Iowa, Ensign’s affair not only strips him of his leadership status in the Senate and 2012 White House hopes, but perhaps more importantly, undermines his conservative street cred as a fervent crusader against homosinuality, intercourse, and fun of any kind.

Before he let his man muscle ruin his life and status as the GOP's Great White Hope, 51-year-old Ensign was on the fast-track for success, with his holier-than-thou, hard-right voting record earning him a 100 percent rating from the Christian Coalition.

A born-again Christian and member of the Promise Keepers, a Christian evangelical ministry that emphasizes traditional family values, Ensign is known for his zero-tolerance policy towards sexual indiscretions, starting with his demands for President Clinton to resign after admitting to catching a couple of BJ's in the Oval Office.

Mr. Perfect over here also led the charge to oust disgraced Republican Senator Larry Craig from the Senate after he pleaded guilty to soliciting gay sex (gasp!) from an undercover cop in the infamous homo bathhouse known as the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport men's room.

However, Mr. Morality Police Ensign, made no such resignation demands of fellow scumball, Louisiana Republican Sen. David Vitter, after confessing to an affair with a high-priced prostitute, since his sordid sex romp was with an of-age female whore not a burly man cop pretending to be a gay. Duh!

Everyone knows extra-marital sexcapades are only acceptable when it doesn't involve a Democrat, teenage Senate pages, or same-sex abominations before God. It's the Golden Rule!

Sen. Arlen Specter Abandons Sinking Ship, Jumps Aboard Obama's Democratic Hope Train

OMG, breaking news! Pennyslvania Senator Arlen Specter has finally crossed over to the dark side and joined the godless Democrats, moving them one-step closer to the coveted 60-seat filibuster-proof majority. And moving Republicans one step closer to absolute and utter irrelevance.

Specter's decision to join Comrade Barry's Democratic revolution comes after realizing his party has become a bunch of teabagging morons with no direction, no leader, and no hope ever since that charismatic secret Muslim dude came and sucked all the life out of it. That, and the fact, that he hasn't really agreed with a damn thing his party stands for in oh, i don't know, the last decade or so, even before that Alaskan hussy Sarah Palin came along and almost ruined America.

"Since my election in 1980, as part of the Reagan Big Tent, the Republican Party has moved far to the right. Last year, more than 200,000 Republicans in Pennsylvania changed their registration to become Democrats. I now find my political philosophy more in line with Democrats than Republicans."

But some, like RNC Chairman Michael Steele, know the truth about no-good RINOs like Arlen Specter.

"Let's be honest--Sen. Specter didn't leave the GOP based on principles of any kind. He left to further his personal political interests because he knew that he was going to lose a Republican primary due to his left-wing voting record."

Damn Arlen Specter! It took him this long to realize moderates are as welcome in the Republican party as a busload of swine-flu infected illegal aliens (gasp!) trying to get into the United States!?

Please God Tell Me This Isn't My Party