With $600 Million Dollars, Why Not Just Hire The Hard-Working, Industrious Mexicans To Build A Bigger Wall?

If You Build It, They Won't Come!

Hooray, America! Congress has saved the nation from the menacing brown threat streaming uncontrollably in from the sun 'n drug-soaked south to steal our jobs, sex-up our supple wives & daughters, and show us dumb gringos how a real Salsa Verde is made.

So now that Congress has passed this $600 million border security bill, sending tons o' troops and weapons and laser-powered death beams to defeat this swarthy Spanish enemy, and everyone is still buzzin' from all this yummy war stuff, will Republicans find it in their tea-soaked, terror-filled hearts to actually work with gross, terrible Democrats on comprehensive immigration reform, as promised?

Ha ha, dream on mis amigos!

The Grand Old Position on immigration reform has gone something like this: Secure the border immediately, and then we'll talk about all this boring, attention-to-detail stuff like how to actually deal with the problem instead of enacting scary, discriminatory bye bye brown people laws in parched desert, now Whites-Only states like Aryanzona.

Now that the Republicans have gotten their awesome $600 million in star-spangled 'splosives and smart bombs, as well as "1,500 new border personnel, a pair of unmanned drones and military-style bases along the border," surely they'll be ready to sit down and participate in a bipartisan discussion on immigration, like actual adults elected to the world's greatest deliberative body, whose job is to do these weird, annoying cooperation things, not act like petulant schoolchildren who got budged in line for the slide.

"In my many meetings with folks on the other side of the aisle to try to gain their support for comprehensive reform, I repeatedly heard them say that once we showed we were serious about passing border security legislation, they would be able to begin working with us to fix other aspects of our broken immigration system," said Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-N.Y.), the Democrats' point person on immigration reform.

"It is my hope that the bill we are passing today will break the deadlock that has existed in Congress and will clear the path for us to finally resume bipartisan negotiations in good faith," Schumer said. "With this bill's passage today we have clearly shown we are serious about securing our nation's borders."

Yes, Chuck, we certainly see your seriousness and applaud you for your valiant efforts. And much like you, we too hope for resumed (wait, doesn't that imply that it ever existed in the first place?) bipartisan negotiations. We pray for it every night before bed, right after saying a special prayer to keep Granny and li'l Johnny down the street safe from NObama's roving death squads!

But, as energy, financial and health care reform efforts, not to mention unemployment benefits, the stimulus, environment, and basically every major piece of legislation before it have shown, taking the Republicans at their word makes about as much sense as Stalin trusting Hitler not to pull some insane double-cross invasion, or taking British Petroleum's word that the leak is plugged, the oil spill is under control, and the devastation has been kept to a minimum. By minimum, we mean only half the Gulf has been transformed into a glistening wonderland of crude oil and marine carcasses.

And judging by the past actions of this curious batch of Republicans, who care about this country so much they're are willing to do whatever it takes to destroy it, along with its awful, chocolatey-hued Kenyan leader, the Democrats' trust in the Republicans' willingness to do anything in good-faith ('cept impeach that no-good Socialist bastard in the not-so White House) seems a tad naive and ill advised.

Failing to give the GOP their immigration cake (chocolate-free like they like it!) without securing anything concrete in exchange, like say, a firm commitment to vote "yes" on any comprehensive legislation, will likely just lead the esteemed patriots on the right to demand more delicious birthday cake, then exotic pineapple upside down cake, then fancy-schmancy seven-tiered wedding cake, then who knows, maybe ice cream cake, or probably a whole different dessert altogether (flan?), until eventually they just say, "eh, cake is for Marie Antoinette and other elitist socialists like Michelle Obama only, so screw your damn frosted circle of sweet, moist deliciousness, and stupid immigration reform too!"

Following which, they will immediately return to their brilliant, fail-proof strategy of filibustering everything, while simultaneously whining (or if it's Glenn Beck, weeping) about being excluded from the process by meany Democrats until they are swept back into power by the easily-duped voters who suddenly think balancing the budget is best done by hemorrhaging money every which way, except into the hands of the people.

But on the bright side, at least you don't run the risk of some crumbs falling into the hands of dirty Mexicans!

I mean who wants to eat churros or tres leches cake anyway?

And knowing them, they'll probably take delicious American apple pie and turn it into something gross and Mexicany, like apple paella!

¡Aye Carumba!

Just Because His Name's Lindsey, He Talks With A Lisp, & Is A Life-Long Bachelor Doesn't Make Him A Gay...Or A Moderate Either!

Oooh, Senator Do Tell!

Justin Bieber look-alike Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC) may be a mysterious cross between a middle aged lesbian and a tweenage heartthrob, but that doesn't mean this baby-faced, sexually ambiguous good ol' boy from South Carolina's gonna start donning breeches and waistcoat and throwing back cups of freshly brewed English Breakfast, like the rest of the intellectually hijacked Glowing Orange Puppets in Congress.

This makes the human bags o' brew very angry...like black man in White House angry!

"The problem with the Tea Party, I think it's just unsustainable because they can never come up with a coherent vision for governing the country, said Sen. Graham, who has become persona non grata on the right for refusing to trade in his crisp Brooks Brothers suit for a white robe and matching KKK emblazoned hood.

Like the Dinosaurs, Dixiecrats, Dodo birds and John McCain's integrity, Graham knows "it will die out."

“Everything I’m doing now in terms of talking about climate, talking about immigration, talking about Gitmo is completely opposite of where the Tea Party movement’s at,” Graham said.

They much prefer shrieking incoherently about losing the country to secret Socialists in the White House and dirty Mexicans in the desert, spewing n*gger and f*ggot-laced profanities, holding up Obama equals Hitler  signs, and equating affordable health care for all with the Nazi slaughter of six million Jews. With obligatory grammatical mistakes and spelling errors like a real, 'merican patriot.

But that's not all Sen. Graham said in his traitorous interview with the arugula-eating liberal elitist rag, The New York Times: "'What do you want to do? You take back your country—and do what with it?'...Everybody went from being kind of hostile to just dead silent."

What would you like them to do, Linds?? Have actual thoughts and the ability to express these "ideas" into coherent phrases and sentences not involving the words Nazi, Hitler, Communist, Socialist, and/or White Power??

HAHAHAHAHA, good one!

Well excuuuuuuse them if not every patriot wearing decaffeinated bags o' Lipton on their forehead has the luxury to have their ghostwritten ideas scribbled into the palm of their hand like some elitist, hoity-toity, Lear jet-flying Alaskan Empress by the name of $arah Palin.

These are decent, hard-working, common folk real Americans who don't have time for fancy shmancy liberal things like using facts and reality to craft policy. The only krafting they do is of the mac 'n cheese variety and comes in a blue box.

"We don't have a lot of Reagan-type leaders in our party. Remember Ronald Reagan Democrats? I want a Republican that can attract Democrats."

Well I want a money tree that rains Benjamins every day before sunrise, and a special wand that waves pixie dust and makes all the dead, oil-soaked dolphins magically come back to life but that doesn't mean it's going to happen, now does it?

"Ronald Reagan would have a hard time getting elected as a Republican today," Graham added.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait just a second, sir! Not, Ronnie Reagan! THE Ronnie Reagen, the legendary Gipper and greatest American president ever to grace the face of the Earth, whose very blood, sweat and tears nourished this country back from the brink of destruction from a deadly 1980s combination of gay diseases and Soviet commies rampaging through society.

He would have trouble getting elected as a Republican today?? But he's got all the criteria! A decaying, Alzheimer's ravaged mind, a rudimentary grasp of the important issues, an uncanny George W. Bush-like ability to confuse confidence with competency, a personal, direct line to Jesus Christ, and a bizarre, vague, fact-less notion that a robust, strong economy comes by loose change from the couch cushions somehow trickling down to the gross poors and coloreds ruining America with their torn, tattered clothes, cardboard box homes, and swarthy, non-milky white skin tones.

Good thing Graham has the pasty, powdered, "indoor" look Republicans really seem to go for these days. Not to mention the scholastic chops (an impressive “800 combined score” on the SATs) to give a riveting keynote address to the next fine crop of gun-totin' graduates from some no-name college in bumblef**k South Carolina:

“This country is being challenged in a tremendous way. Broken borders, 12 million people here illegally. Everybody’s upset about that — they ought to be. But somebody’s got to fix it...America’s at her best when she’s thinking about the future and not the moment. So my advice to you graduates is when you get out of school and get a job and a family, try to be part of the solution, not the problem...And the only way we’re going to solve these problems is working together.”

BOOOOOOOO!!! 

Err, quick Lindsey better think of somethin' good 'n redneck to say, and quick!

“Good luck, and I hope all of y’all become rich!”

WOOHOOOOO!!!!

Naaaaaaailed it!

Of course, life ain't easy when you're the cherub-faced, soft-spoken go-to GOP liaison to Barry's DEMONcratic White House, who is willing to maybe, just maybe, work with gross, terrible Democrats to oh, I don't know, actually help the country.

“He’s willing to work on more things than the others," White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel said. "Lindsey, to his credit, has a small-government vision that’s out of fashion with his party, which stands for no government...He’s one of the last big voices to give that vision intellectual energy.”

Or at least more than hot air or orange radioactive fallout like some other boneheaded GOP leaders fond of comparing big banks to poor worker ants crushed by nuked up, trigger happy Kenyan Presidents hellbent on restoring stability and integrity to the financial industry.

Like say "the small people" not getting billions in government bailouts as a reward for running their billion dollar corporations into the ground while trying to make a quick buck betting that the securities they sold were actually more bogus than the Republicans' attempt to solve anything, ever.

“I’m a little worried. This is not healthy for the country. It’s really not.” But at least his party’s unwillingness to work with the Obama administration amounted to an “opportunity” for him to be the Hill’s deal-maker in chief, “I mean, I’m not having to push through people to get to the front of the line.”

That's because every other Republican seems to have gotten the memo that Barry's got cooties!

Of course, for his cardinal sins of cooperation, conservatives, wingnuts, and Grand Old Pricks like Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh have been all over "Miss Lindsey" like marshmallows and chocolate on graham crackers, insinuating that his fleet-footed tendencies to seek common ground with Democrats, really comes from fear of being outed as a repulsive, limp-wristed homosexual, the single most God-awful, dreadful fate a strapping, testosterone-filled South Carolinian could ever be cursed with.

“Like maybe I’m having a clandestine affair with Ricky Martin,” he said. “I know it’s really gonna upset a lot of gay men — I’m sure hundreds of ’em are gonna be jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge — but I ain’t available. I ain’t gay. Sorry.”

He's just gay for government!

Unless you happen to know an attractive Oval Office that's vacant? Cause then he might be interested. He has a long history of going both ways. Only problem being those darn cold feet he gets every time it comes to actually walking down the aisle!

“Reason always prevails,” he said, “if you can market it right.”

Cowboy hat, spurs, a loaded .57 magnum, the perfect amount of manly queer bashing, and a King James Bible in the back pocket oughta do the trick.

“I fully understand 70 to 80 percent of my [Republican] conference is going to reject any idea of putting a price on carbon anywhere,” he told me. For that matter, he said, “the environmental groups are great to deal with — but they think the planet’s gonna melt in five years. I don’t. I think carbon pollution, all things considered, is bad for human beings. But it’s not what I think of when I wake up in the morning...I offer myself as a bridge, and I take a beating for that, and I get rewarded for that. It’s a business. Politically, it is who I am now. There’s no use for me to try to play another game.”

Especially the get-a-life or at least get-a-wife game!

He'll stick with his sad, boring, homo no life, instead of risking deportation living la vida loca with Señor Martin.

Even if his seven years as a senator and frequent White House visitor have failed to produce a single legislative victory, gay ol' hopey-changey Lindsey is optimistic that things will improve with the upcoming elections.

“If you look at the Republicans who are likely to come into the Senate in 2010,” he told The Times. “They’re gonna be more like me, not less like me.”

Sexually confused, androgynous, closeted Obama-admiring moderates whose timid, disingenuous bipartisan attempts to (twinkle?) toe the Grand Old Party line come with little style, less substance, and absolutely zero results?

Guess that's just the way the cookie, err Graham cracker crumbles.

Or in Lindsey's case, flakes!

Great Scott! Anything Can Happen When Brown Turns Blue...

Oh no, the end is near! Republican Great White Hope, one-time nude model, Scott Brown, who was supposed to ride his freedom truck to Washington, DC to save America from its socialist death slide, has instead voted with the tyrannical Democratic majority to destroy a Republican filibuster of the terrible, new $15 billion 'Jobs Bill' to bring the Bushwhacked economy back from the abyss.

Okay, so maybe we should have been slightly suspicious when he refused to wear clothes for that hoity-toity, elitist magazine cover, Cosmo something or other. But seriously Scott, aligning with the DEMONcrats on only your second Senate vote? For shame!

Is this what you think the good Teabaggers of Massachusetts had in mind when they trampled Teddy Kennedy's ol' bones, destroying decades of hard work and dedication in a revolutionary wave of racism and insanity, to ensure the rest of America doesn't have the kind of terrible, Socialist, government-run health care they currently enjoy?

I should certainly hope not!

But here we are, once again thisclose to condemning another one of evil Barry's awful bills to create jobs for Americans to slow death in filibuster hell (where it belongs), and this bleeding-heart hippie in Teabagger's clothes jumps ship, joining Democrats in order to move forward and allow actual debate on the bill. Gasp!

And as if that wasn't bad enough, four other alleged Republicans suddenly decided they too care about creating jobs for poor Americans who need them, even more than creating tax cuts for rich Americans who don't, and decided to join Brown over on the dark side called progress.

Republican turncoats, Sens. Susan Collins, Olympia Snowe, Kit Bond, and George Voinovich also bucked GOP leadership, instead siding with Democrats and rational thought, by giving Dems the 60 votes they needed to support the bill--and thus destroy everything we love about America, like unemployment, inflation, and rising costs of living.

But fear not Republicans, there's still plenty Brown can do for you! Especially when wearing a suit, refraining from inhaling the exhaust fumes from his truck, and flexing his brain instead of just his biceps.

In other words, when not forced to prove his conservative street cred to a bunch of morons named after the sexual act of choice of drunken frats and high school house parties, and dressed like Benjamin Franklin, John Adams, and Alexander Hamilton if they were about to shoot a Snapple ad, in order to win a special election against a piece of driftwood by the name of Martha.

I came to Washington to be an independent voice, to put politics aside, and to do everything in my power to help create jobs for Massachusetts families. This Senate jobs bill is not perfect. I wish the tax cuts were deeper and broader, but I voted for it because it contains measures that will help put people back to work.

Hopefully, the kind that requires clothing.

OMG, Like, WTF!? Meghan McCain Doesn't Understand Why No One Wants To Be A Republican

Sassy blogger Meghan McCain is in the closet. And not the kind reserved for gays, but something far, far worse: liberals.

Which is why she is so totally bummed that nice old man Arlen Specter decided to ditch the Grand Old Party for greener pastures in Democratic happy land.

You see, Meghan has tons of respect for Mr. Specter. Not just because he's the longest-serving senator from Pennsylvania, having been elected four times since 1980, but because much like herself, Arlen isn't afraid to stand up for what he believes in, even if it means "ruffling a few GOP feathers" along the way. Or being forced to join a party you have nothing in common with except a famous daddy with the same last name.

Still, Meghan just can't help but feel like Arlen's let her and the rest of the ten or so blond, twenty-somethings still loyal to Republicans down. They needed him to fight for the "soul of the party" and instead he turned his back on them.

Sure, the polls were looking bleak in his primary, with his probable opponent nearly 20 points ahead. And, yes, like every other level-headed, progressive minded Republican before him, he's been made to feel like an outcast by his own (increasingly fringe) party.

But that's no reason to bolt from the party you've lived and loved for almost three decades! Didn't Meghan's father teach him anything?

You never abandon your party for your principles, you abandon your principles for your party. It's the cardinal rule!

Pot Meet Kettle

Well, well look who we have here, our old pal John McCain!

It's been awhile since we last saw Johnny and naturally much has changed. Like John McCain going from an "angry old candidate to an angry old defeated candidate."

On Sunday, the J Mac took his angry self to CNN, so he could let the American people know what could have been, had they elected him president instead of that socialist with the funny name.

If Johnny was in charge, that pure pork calling itself a stimulus package would be tossed into the frying vat where it belongs and his brilliant proposal of tax cuts and more tax cuts would be cruising smoothly through Congress.

A Congress he whipped into good, bipartisan shape with his stunning negotiation skills and highly coveted powers of persuasion.

Plus, unlike Comrade Barry, John would never mortgage his children or grandchildren or great-grandchildren's future on a $787 billion stimulus measure that is nothing more than pure "generational theft."

He would much rather bankrupt the country in the traditional Republican way: on fruitless wars and $2.5 trillion tax cuts for the rich.

But if that doesn't work, he'll talk to Cindy about maybe putting one or two of their numerous houses on the market. That should pretty much take care of the national debt right there.

Master Of The House

It's On!

President Barack Obama faced down scary House Republicans on Tuesday only to find the hard chargin', tough talkin' swingers of the right softer than a bunch Pillsbury dough boys.

The night before a key vote on a key economic stimulus bill, Obama met privately with GOP House leaders on Tuesday where he coaxed them with all the sexy words Republicans like to hear like "Ronald Reagan" "budget cuts" and "big-government, bad."

But just in case that wasn't enough to make these hardened Republicans putty in the president's hand, Mr. Rock Star Obama showed his bipartisan spirit by extending an invitation to several congressman to have drinks at the White House after today's vote.

Since the bill is likely to pass even without a single Republican supporter, Obama figures the least he could do to soften the GOP pain that comes with realizing your party has become totally irrelevant is to offer them a stiff glass to drown their sorrows.

Bottoms up!

Ah, The Sweet Taste Of Victory!