Unemployed Strategist Meghan McCain Wants To Use Her Big Breasts, Err, Brain To Help Republicans "Kick Obama's Ass" In 2012

OMG, alert the press! Alleged political pundit, "Dirty Sexy Politics" author, and racy boob Twitpic extraordinaire Meghan McCain is currently available as a "strategist" for the 2012 elections, just in case any Republicans would like some help losing their various presidential bids.

But act fast because this dynamo political mind, which went a whopping 1-for-5 in election night predictions (Christine O'Donnell, really??), won't last long!

“I made some predictions. I am now zero and four… I’m actually a pretty good blackjack player, but I made, I was like, ‘Meg Whitman’s gonna win, Sharron Angle all the way! And Meg Whitman, yeah!”

I don't know what the hell I'm talking about, yeah!! Or in blackjack terms, I'm pretty much what you'd call a total bust, yeah! Woohoo! Perhaps I should just stick with sending out Twitter pics of my massive, bountiful breasts, yeah!

Word on the street is everyone who's anyone is already clamoring to snag Meggy's brilliant, one-of-a-kind political mind, and solicit her savvy services...Just ask Meghan!

From Politico:

Speaking at the Miami Book Fair International to promote her book, "Dirty Sexy Politics," the daughter of Sen. John McCain expressed an interest in working as a Republican "strategist."
"I've already had people interested in me working, which is unbelievably flattering," McCain said. "I want to go out and do it all over again with somebody else — I want to go get a Republican elected. I want to kick Obama's ass the next election and get a Republican elected."

OMG, totes! Meghan will help you "kick Obama's ass," just like she did in 2008!

Or better yet, why doesn't adorable li'l Meggy just run for president herself? Sure, the lame-o Constitution "says" you need to be 35, but maybe that old senile eternal Senator from Arizona (what's his name again?) can do something about that, like pull some strings or start hacking on the senate floor to get her some sort of exemption?

After all, Meghan said she is willing to "do anything I can" (except umm, get an actual job, obviously, but she will flash her tatas all over Twitter, free of charge!) to score a win for the GOP in 2012.

Maybe that means she's ready to pursue a career in blackjack instead of humiliating herself trying to figure out this whole politics thing. Who knows?

What Meghan does know, however, is that Obama "has done little to nothing with his administration."

HAHAHAHAHA, the dumb loser!

He doesn't even need a rich, famous daddy with lots of political connections to help him get nothing accomplished!

Cindy McCain Shows Her Support For Gays, Tries To Kill Husband In The Process

Much like hubby John and sassy daughter Megs, maverick blood courses thick through Cindy McCain's once pill-addled veins.

Sometimes, this rogue gene manifests itself on the campaign trail in the form of profanity-laced tirades directed at her dear old husband for "ruining her life" and forcing her into the smooth, chiseled, youthful arms of another with those silly presidential shenanigans of his.

Other times, Cindy's inherent need to rebel comes in the form of getting her mouth duct-taped shut for a soft pornography shoot, as the newest, surgically-enhanced face of a pro-gay marriage campaign. Yay!

"Posing with tape over her mouth and a "NOH8" logo on her face, Cindy McCain was photographed for the NOH8 Campaign, which protests Proposition 8, the California proposition passed in 2008 banning same-sex marriage, and currently being challenged in federal court."

Naturally, John is perfectly fine with both beautiful blondes in his life coming out to support the gays by dabbling in some light S&M and thus crushing any remaining shreds of the old man's chances to ever reach the Oval Office.

"The McCains are one of the most well-known Republican families in recent history, and for Mrs. McCain to have reached out to us to offer her support truly means a lot," the NOH8 Website says.

"Aligning yourself with the platform of gay marriage as a Republican still tends to be very stigmatic, but Cindy McCain wanted to participate in the campaign to show people that party doesn't matter - marriage equality isn't a Republican issue any more than it is a Democratic issue."

It is simply an electability issue. Which is why it is to be spoken by no one, but certainly not by anyone with any real presidential aspirations.

In that case, what are you so worried about John? No one is voting for you either way, silly!

But just in case, America is gripped by collective Alzheimer's and forgets all about the great Palin-McCain trainwreck of '08, Johnny Mac over here is hedging his bets on one thing most people will always remember: to discriminate against that one flamboyant and/or flannel clad group of sinners, them fightin' gays.

Ooooh, and maybe just maybe he'll finally be able to ride that senior citizen wave of fear and ignorance into power, where his supreme white male authority as head of house, the White House that is, will finally go unchallenged.

John McCain’s office said in a statement that the Arizona senator respects the views of members of his family but remains opposed to gay marriage.

"Sen. McCain believes the sanctity of marriage is only defined as between one man and one woman."

A loveless, miserable union between one shriveled old man, his much younger, hotter, richer wifey, and whatever strapping young gent she's boning on the side. Just like God intended.

Like Mother, Like Daughter

Megan McCain Stumped By Clogged Drain; Where's That "Dumbass" Plumber Joe Now?

While the Senate dithers on about health care and Joe Lieberman does his best to make the entire Democratic caucus go into immediate cardiac arrest, the real action was unfolding in Meghan McCain's luxurious, handcrafted marble and porcelain tub. Or more precisely, deep in her fine, sterling silver drain.

Somehow, strands of Meggy's flowing blond locks must have gone maverick and come loose from their snug home atop her head, only to find themselves stuck--cold, tangled and alone--inside a watery grave--with little chance of rescue!

Meghan McCain may be THE VOICE of an entire generation of Republican trust fund babies, but that doesn't mean she has mastered the baffling science of pouring liquid gunk down the drain, waiting 10-15 minutes, running some water, and witnessing the miracle of Jesus disguised as a bottle of liquid plumber save her from suffering through a long, dreadful night with nary a bubble bath to comfort her.

Life can be soooooo unfair!

But being the quick-witted, sassy spawn of a booze heiress and former POW turned permanent U.S. Senator, Meghan McCain naturally took her bathroom battle to the Internets, where perhaps a strapping, young, plunger-wielding Republican knight in shining armor would hear her Tweets of despair and come just in time to save her from this hellish nightmare of her empty tub.

Certainly someone, somewhere in Twitterland will rescue this damsel in distress since everyone knows Republicans are world-famous for their plumbing skills.

Too bad her and Daddy's old pal Joe the Plumber aren't exactly tight anymore, ever since their little falling out over some innocent words Meggy might have said after the election about how "Joe the Plumber--you can quote me--is a dumbass. He should stick to plumbing."

And you my little Meggy should stick to blogging. That way, the only thing you risk clogging is the brain of the next hapless sack who stumbles upon one of your brilliant Daily Beast columns about the beauty of war and of course, the God-given blessing of having large, supple breasts.

And don't think for a second we all haven't noticed your mastery of the power button. You go girl!

Meghan McCain Can't Understand Why Hollywood Doesn't See War as Playful Romp Through Gum Drop Forest

Meghan McCain is very upset. And this time, it's not even 'cause of a bad hair day or 'cause everyone is talking about her bountiful breasts which she took a picture of and posted on Twitter because she loves America that much. Nope, not even close. This time it's even worse: Hollywood.

Meggy just doesn't understand why the stars and elitists over in Hollywood hate our troops so much. She, for one, adores them. They're so cute, cuddly and heroic, how could you not just wanna squeeze 'em and kiss 'em?

Which is why she is terribly upset, no make that outraged, that the new Tobey Maguire, Jake Gyllenhaal, Natalie Portman film "Brothers" she saw over the weekend about a Marine serving in Afghanistan didn't portray our war heroes as realistically as you'd expect from a big Hollywood Blockbuster.

Meghan asked her mother Cindy if she would come see the movie with her, but naturally Cindy said "she didn't want to give any money to a movie in which the preview showed the soldier coming back home and waving a gun at his family in their driveway." Hits too close to home or something.

I mean how ridiculous is that? Such obscene things would never happen. If anything, he would just divorce his now crippled wife and leave his old family for a fresh start with a much younger, richer blond heiress who still has use of her legs.

While Meghan was also deeply disturbed by the preview, her curiosity about Hollywood's take on our soldiers and the current wars in Iraq and Afghanistan triumphed and Meggy was forced to endure "Brothers" all by her lonesome.

This is where the plot thickens my friends! So Megs and her popcorn are just chilling at the theater waiting to see what crazy perversion of war Hollywood's come up with now. Like showing our soldiers as deserters or whackjobs instead of the perfect specimens of humanity Meghan knows they really are.

In Brothers, not only does one of the Marines captured by the Taliban actually say that he "realized we shouldn’t be there," but Maguire’s character Sam beats a fellow soldier to death with a lead pipe. Sam then returns home to his family and goes AWOL trying to kill both his wife and his brother.

Can you believe the nerve of these Hollywood hotshots, portraying soldiers as real human beings with feelings whose experience in war is sometimes so traumatic that they actually have trouble readjusting to civilian life afterward?

Well, Megan cannot.

"I don’t care if every producer, director, and screenwriter in Hollywood is against the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq (and presumably most are), what offends me is the portrayal of soldiers as cowards and lunatics—driven to such lengths that they come home and try to kill their families," Meghan writes.

"Obviously, post-traumatic stress disorder has become more prevalent in the military and clearly this is a problem that needs to be seriously addressed. But I believe these films add to the damage when they portray soldiers as disloyal, unwilling to serve, and against the missions themselves. In my experience, this couldn’t be further from the truth."

After all, she is the daughter of a onetime POW turned politician, so she knows everything there is to know about war.

In other words, Meghan knows post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) exists and all, but still doesn't understand why we have to focus on the "ugly" side of war, when everyone knows war is mostly about having a good time and also shooting some people.

"How many deserters do you actually hear about on the news? Not very many. Unfortunately, the thousands of stories about heroism and courage that could be told about our soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan are not in the interest of many Hollywood filmmakers, and so a real disservice is being done to these troops. These films only perpetuate negative stereotypes about soldiers and the military. At a time when support for the war in Afghanistan is dividing this country, I simply don’t understand why Hollywood insists on portraying our soldiers in such a negative light. If Vietnam taught us anything, it was hate the war, love the warrior."

Right on Meggy! Hate the war but love the warrior. By sending them to die in some proxy war in the Vietnamese jungle (or mountainous desert terrain). And if they're "brave" enough to actually come back in one piece, don't provide them with any mental and or physical support for their injuries or sacrifices. But whatever you do, certainly don't acknowledge the heavy burden many of them now carry as a result of their dedicated service to America or in any way help them put the pieces of their shattered lives back together.

Because that shows weakness. And strong, brave American soldiers are NEVER weak, understand? NEVER! They are brave courageous men and women whose haunting memories of the horrors of war gently fall off them like leaves fall from trees in autumn.

It's just a shame Hollywood still has the silly notion that war is hell, when it's really helloooo opportunity, or in Daddy's case, helloooo presidency. Almost.

Meghan McCain's Bountiful Breasts Know Joe Lieberman's No Traitor!

Sassy blogger Megs McCain is upset. And not just because some meanies on the teevee and radio made fun of her voluptuous curves and God-given set of full, ample breasts. But something far, far worse--the terrible treatment of her favoritest turncoat and longtime role model Senator Joe Lieberman.

For some absurd reason, everyone hates ol' Joe Liebs just because he has the "courage" to stand up to all those greedy Americans who can't afford adequate coverage by threatening to filibuster any health care reform bill that includes the dreaded public option.

You see Meghan understands what it feels like to be hated just for having big boobs, blonde hair, and a super famous daddy run for president. So she totally gets what Joe is going through standing up for his beliefs by betraying the Democratic Party and all.

"The older generation needs to understand that my generation does not respond well to anger, hate, and personal attacks. We are a generation of communicators, and to us, actions speak louder than loud words. Perpetuating negativity will only result in the tuning out of another generation of voters, and we simply can’t afford that. I find it especially ironic that most of those who criticize Senator Lieberman more often than not have never run for elected office. But as the old saying goes, those that can’t do, criticize."

Hahahahahahahaha! You're so right Meghan! Except when they get their own Daily Beast column. Then they do that instead.

"Let’s face it, it's easy to preach to the converted and many people have mastered the art of the negative sound bite. If I want to hear the liberal bias, I will turn on MSNBC. If I want to hear conservative dogma, I will turn on Fox. But where do people go to listen to the Joe Liebermans of the world? Where can we hear voices that dare to cross party lines, think outside the box, and say what they truly believe? If this country wants to simply be a place of extreme partisan politics, I think we are well on our way. If people like Senator Lieberman are treated with such disrespect for daring to be true to their political beliefs, there will really be no hope for independent thinkers of my generation to be inspired to join the political process."

And then where will impressionable young mavericks-to-be who confuse bipartisanship and outside-the-box thinking with selling out for political ends and personal gain turn to? I, for one, can't begin to imagine the kind of world it would be without American heroes like Gramps McCain, hip daughter Meghan, and of course charismatic merrymaker Joe Lieberman working hard on behalf of the American people.

"And for the record, Senator Lieberman is now an even greater source of inspiration and comfort to me in politics."

And you to us, Meggy. Especially with those two irresistibly soft lovely pillows.

Happiness Is A Warm Gun

Don't Let The Sunglasses Fool You, Meghan Packs The Heat

Meghan McCain loves guns. Not only do they make her feel like a whole lotta woman, they're also just perfect for relieving all the stress that comes with getting paid to blog about nonsense for a living. Nonsense and sex.

You see Meghan McCain is more than just the fresh-faced blogging voice of the Republican Party. She's also a proud member of the National Rifle Association and is terrified that charismatic demonchild Barack Obama is going to take away her precious right to shoot annoying people and defenseless animals.

Doesn't Obama know the shooting range is the one place Meghan can be a Republican "through-and-through" or how empowering it is for a 24-year-old woman of wealth and taste to fire off a few rounds?

I mean she's always had positive experiences with family and guns. You should see how her beloved godfather Jerry could decorate a house using only freshly-skinned wild boar hides, deer pelts, and giant moose antlers. There's nothing like it!

That's why Meghan is able to think about guns in a "smart, nonreactive manner." Hello people, it's called the Bill of Rights!

If you are a law-abiding citizen who is trained to and skilled at using a firearm, then you are entitled to protect yourself and your family. Even if you're not, Meghan knows our founding fathers intended for everyone to experience the joys of gun ownership. Particularly semi-automatic machine guns, cause you never know when your fair city will be overrun by Somalian warlords.

Too bad those kooky liberals don't understand that guns aren't the problem. "The real solution to preventing gun violence is not taking away the tools, but tackling its causes: poverty, inadequate health care, mental illness, joblessness, inadequate housing, and poor education. Desperate people will make anything a weapon. We need to eliminate desperation, not guns."

So does that mean all we need to do stop abortions is eliminate sluts? It's so brilliant, I can't believe no one ever thought of that before!

OMG, Like, WTF!? Meghan McCain Doesn't Understand Why No One Wants To Be A Republican

Sassy blogger Meghan McCain is in the closet. And not the kind reserved for gays, but something far, far worse: liberals.

Which is why she is so totally bummed that nice old man Arlen Specter decided to ditch the Grand Old Party for greener pastures in Democratic happy land.

You see, Meghan has tons of respect for Mr. Specter. Not just because he's the longest-serving senator from Pennsylvania, having been elected four times since 1980, but because much like herself, Arlen isn't afraid to stand up for what he believes in, even if it means "ruffling a few GOP feathers" along the way. Or being forced to join a party you have nothing in common with except a famous daddy with the same last name.

Still, Meghan just can't help but feel like Arlen's let her and the rest of the ten or so blond, twenty-somethings still loyal to Republicans down. They needed him to fight for the "soul of the party" and instead he turned his back on them.

Sure, the polls were looking bleak in his primary, with his probable opponent nearly 20 points ahead. And, yes, like every other level-headed, progressive minded Republican before him, he's been made to feel like an outcast by his own (increasingly fringe) party.

But that's no reason to bolt from the party you've lived and loved for almost three decades! Didn't Meghan's father teach him anything?

You never abandon your party for your principles, you abandon your principles for your party. It's the cardinal rule!

Meet Meghan McCain: The Republican Party's New Miss Thang!

The Fresh New Face Of The GOP

Okay, so John McCain's presidential bid didn't turn out exactly as he would've liked, but at least some good came out of spending endless amounts of time and money on a losing effort to convince the public he's NOT in fact George W. Bush.

Like his quirky blond daughter becoming the new gay icon for closeted, self-hating conservatives across the land.

As the face for secret bleeding heart liberals trapped in Republican trust fund bondage, Meghan McCain used her new-found street cred to address a crowd of Log Cabin Republicans (conservative queers) over the weekend.

There, she told the group of out and proud (sort of) party loyalists that "old school Republicans" were "scared sh*tless" of the changing landscape. Language, Meggy, language!

The Senator's daughter, who is quickly becoming a rising star in the Republican party and a Liza Minnelli-like hero among Log Cabin sorts who put party loyalty ahead of their own sexual freedom and personal rights, took repeated shots at the GOP for their antiquated beliefs and out-of-touch policies. In other words, for not being more like Democrats.

"There are those who think we can win the White House and Congress back by being 'more' conservative. Worse, there are those who think we can win by changing nothing at all about what our party has become...I think we're seeing a war brewing in the Republican Party. But it is not between us and Democrats. It is not between us and liberals. It is between the future and the past."

Uh-Oh, easy there Meghan. Let's not forget you are a McCain, and with the title, comes certain responsibilities, like never questioning anything, staying trim, blonde, and perky, and being socially moderate your entire life until abandoning all beliefs/integrity when trying to run for public office.

But, as the daughter of the original maverick, Meghan is not known to play by anyone's rules but her own. Which is why her wake-up call to Republicans didn't end there.

"Simply embracing technology isn't going to fix our problem. Republicans using Twitter and Facebook isn't going to miraculously make people think we're cool again. Breaking free from obsolete positions and providing real solutions that don't divide our nation further will. That's why some in our party are scared. They sense the world around them is changing and they are unable to take the risk to jump free of what's keeping our party down."

Aw, come on Meg, Rush isn't that heavy!

Besides, tweeting your deepest (freedom-loving) thoughts about what you had for dinner last night and why gays and liberals are ruining America in under 140 characters is a sure-fire way to bring Republicans' victory next election. Everyone knows the kids go ga-ga for technology. Even Michael Steele could tell you that.