These 'Baggers Are So Crazy, Not Even Fox News Is Sippin' Their Tea!

Just One Question: What The Hell's An Allien?

OMG, say it ain't so, please say it ain't so! Not America's favoritest Fox News, the news patriots, freedom lovers, and connoisseurs of Earl Grey, English Breakfast, and even the suspiciously Muslimy sounding Darjeeling, depend on to bring them the fair and balanced truth, without the elitist, liberal media spin, also known as facts.

Just look at the anti-American propaganda currently being peddled (on the Internets) by the most trusted name in all of "news," America's channel Fox, saying terrible things about the Teabaggers being crazy and racist and basically horrible human beings when everyone knows they're just following the footsteps of our founding fathers, trying to get the truth out there, no matter what kind of illegal Kenyan migrant turned President is trying to keep them down.

"While organizers have held the tour as a way to stay front-and-center as a political force, the rallies have also attracted the kinds of mistruths, exaggerations and conspiracy theories that make Tea Party leaders cringe."

WHAT?? What ever do you mean by "mistruths, exaggerations, and conspiracy theories" making Tea Party leaders cringe? That B. Hussein NObama is a secret Muslim terrorist Nazi who wants to murder Grandma and Baby Trig, while dancing wildly around the South Lawn bonfire fueled by the tears of the innocent (yes, they're flammable!) and the long, wordy, soon-to-be charred pages of our nation's Constitution?

Those "mistruths?" According to whom? The lesbian Joseph Goebbels of left-wing propaganda, MSNBC's own Rachel Maddow?

Quick, someone alert Glenn Beck! I don't care if he in his office weeping hysterically, working on his new flow chart about the deep, heart-wrenching pain that comes with discovering that all his precious tea varieties (black, green, Oolong, and even white gasp!) come from a single Camellia Sinensis plant, native to COMMUNIST China! Oh, the horror!

This aggression cannot stand! Just look at the outrageous things this Fox News "reporter" is claiming happens at these Tea Party Express rallies where angry overweight Paul Reveres and George Washingtons sit in tattered, creaking lawn chairs, shoving White Castle sliders into their pie holes while waving weeping American Flags with tears instead of stars because this new black Hitler has declared himself president of the world.

"'Obama, to me, is a socialist. He’s a Muslim and all he wants to do is bankrupt us and run us into the ground,' Ken Schwalbach of Escanaba, Mich., said at a rally on Friday."

"Some suggest Obama wants to keep Americans unemployed so that they become dependent on government-run programs. Lenin and Stalin have become catchwords to describe Obama in the speeches denouncing his policies."

"Ron Moore of Petoskey, Mich., said he stood firm in his belief that the Democrats' goal was to implement 'death panels' to decide who receives medical care and who does not. 'They've already started,' he said."

"Going further, swastikas, as well as pictures of Obama’s face next to Adolf Hitler’s, have appeared on signs at dozens of rallies blasting the president and the Democrat-controlled Congress."

"Other Tea Party members continue to question the president’s citizenship — a sign reading 'Show Us Your Birth Certificate' popped up at a recent rally in Traverse City, Mich."

"'What's more disturbing is that he's not answering them,' Tea Party member and conservative blogger Andrea Shay King said of the questions over Obama's birthplace."

But most disturbing of all is America’s #1 Teabagger News Channel's treacherous defamation of the decent, hardworking caffeinated spice n' herb crowd--the very hand that feeds them!

So, what do the Tea Party organizers have to say about their favoritest Fox pulling a Benedict Arnold and slandering their loyal TEAtotalers?

"Any movement is going to have fringe elements," said Joan Fabiano, a Tea Party organizer based in Lansing, Mich. "If there's any sort of hateful and racist signs, that is something the Tea Party in general would disavow."

Like "Joe the Plumber,"aka America's favorite pretend sanitary worker, Samuel Joe Wurzelbacher who doesn't need racist signs or colonial costumes with Hitler mustaches to criticize liberals for their failure to round up all them dumb Mexicans.

His solution? "Put a fence in, start shooting," Wurzelbacher said.

The "plumber" also said the federal government made a mockery of the military by choosing to "coddle terrorists."

"Line up every last terrorist and I'll torture them myself," he said. "And I'm not just talking."

That's for later, when he lines up all those stinkin' Mexicans and uses his inability to formulate coherent sentences to teach those dirty, border-hoppin' aliens a thing or two about what happens when messing with the mighty Red, White, and Blue!

And don't think for one second that if he knew anything about septic tanks, he would even so much as hesitate to flush those disgusting Latin intruders right down the toilet, and back to Mexico where they belong.

But that would require the ability to actually know how to press the handle that makes the toilet go whoooosh, or if God forbid something went wrong, how to use one of those wooden sticks with the rubber sombrero on top.

Unfortunately, the only experience Joe has with excrement is the kind that comes out of his mouth.

And by then, the Mexicans probably won't help him out either. So, in that case, I guess it's adiós, ingrates!?

Sorry, We Don't Speak Teabonics!

CPAC Goes X-Treme, Adds Snacks, Rap To Teabagging Mix

Guess what America? It's almost the most blessed time of the season, when all the cool kids who love freedom and hate taxes descend on Washington, DC to bitch about blacks and browns, and of course, Comrade Barry's socialist takeover of America during another rip-roaring weekend of Conservative Political Action Conference fun!

But this ain't your grandfather's CPAC! Because much like its off-the-hook, hip-hop Chairman of the Streets, Michael Steele, this year's CPAC is going X-TREME!

Ladies and gentlemen, I give to you "Epic Nights" at the XPAC Lounge, your one-stop shop for all the dopest pop culture personalities, entertainment, music, and laid back programming you need for a rockin' weekend of teabagging fun!

Whoever said conservative wasn't chic, obviously never got to hang in an XPAC lounge, dubbed the "hub of fun" by one hip organizer. Youth in da house, what what!

There will be video games and junk food and all the cool stuff kids really go for like Stephen Baldwin.

"We're gonna have the most popular games. There'll be Guitar Hero. There'll be Dance Revolution. There'll be Call of Duty," said Kevin McCullough, the radio host who created the XPAC Lounge with actor Stephen Baldwin.

Ooooh, go on?

There will be icons of the right like Ann Coulter and her famous three-foot neck of freedom, hip-hop mogul and big pimpin' RNC Chairman Michael Steele, and even exciting fan favorites of yesteryear.

"I wouldn't be surprised if somebody of Joe-the-Plumber stature came in three times a day to come in and rally the kids," CPAC spokesman Ian Walters said.

Yay! America's favorite fake sanitary worker can tell all the kids how if they work really hard and pay attention in school, they can pretend to be a hard-working plumber too! No septic tank experience needed!

And like any hip, young conservative celebration worth its weight in teabags, there will be plenty of "hip-hop" and "conservative comedy" to keep 'em bumpin' and grindin' all night long.

'Cause here at the XPAC, it's all about the Benjamins...and the fun!

Organizers are putting a premium on the fun factor. The lounge will be equipped with Nintendo Wii and Xbox and will feature about 10 video game stations, two with seven-foot screens. "Old school" games like air hockey and foosball will also be on hand.

It will be the scene of a late-night "rap/jam session" on Thursday and a conservative comedy lineup on Friday. FoxNews.com's Strategy Room will also be broadcasting from the XPAC Lounge.

So while Lou Dobbs moans about how the Mexicans and poors are ruining America outside in the cold, the inside will be sizzlin' hot. We're talkin' Sarah Palin level!

Peeps just chillaxin,' playin Madden, shredding the axe, eatin' 'za, doin' cola, throwin' down beats, pumpin' the rap music, and just kickin' back, bustin' on big government, budget deficits, the whereabouts of that bully Barry's birth certificate, why marriage can only be between one man and one woman, whether you need to wear a cool Tucker Carlson bow tie to be a true conservative, and what a total buzzkill the Estate Tax is.

Throw your Lipton in the air if you're wit me, bros!

2 cool 4 Blue, GOP 4 Life! Holla!!

Megan McCain Stumped By Clogged Drain; Where's That "Dumbass" Plumber Joe Now?

While the Senate dithers on about health care and Joe Lieberman does his best to make the entire Democratic caucus go into immediate cardiac arrest, the real action was unfolding in Meghan McCain's luxurious, handcrafted marble and porcelain tub. Or more precisely, deep in her fine, sterling silver drain.

Somehow, strands of Meggy's flowing blond locks must have gone maverick and come loose from their snug home atop her head, only to find themselves stuck--cold, tangled and alone--inside a watery grave--with little chance of rescue!

Meghan McCain may be THE VOICE of an entire generation of Republican trust fund babies, but that doesn't mean she has mastered the baffling science of pouring liquid gunk down the drain, waiting 10-15 minutes, running some water, and witnessing the miracle of Jesus disguised as a bottle of liquid plumber save her from suffering through a long, dreadful night with nary a bubble bath to comfort her.

Life can be soooooo unfair!

But being the quick-witted, sassy spawn of a booze heiress and former POW turned permanent U.S. Senator, Meghan McCain naturally took her bathroom battle to the Internets, where perhaps a strapping, young, plunger-wielding Republican knight in shining armor would hear her Tweets of despair and come just in time to save her from this hellish nightmare of her empty tub.

Certainly someone, somewhere in Twitterland will rescue this damsel in distress since everyone knows Republicans are world-famous for their plumbing skills.

Too bad her and Daddy's old pal Joe the Plumber aren't exactly tight anymore, ever since their little falling out over some innocent words Meggy might have said after the election about how "Joe the Plumber--you can quote me--is a dumbass. He should stick to plumbing."

And you my little Meggy should stick to blogging. That way, the only thing you risk clogging is the brain of the next hapless sack who stumbles upon one of your brilliant Daily Beast columns about the beauty of war and of course, the God-given blessing of having large, supple breasts.

And don't think for a second we all haven't noticed your mastery of the power button. You go girl!

Should Teabaggers Embrace Their Moniker As The New, Freedom Fighting Version of N****r?

As President Obama deals with the war in Afghanistan, providing millions of Americans with adequate health care, a sluggish economy and widespread unemployment, conservatives are grappling with some weighty issues of their own: "to 'teabag' or not to 'teabag.'"

Yes, proud, patriotic teabaggers all across the land are now faced with the pressing conundrum of whether to embrace a term previously associated with the incredibly sexy act of dipping testicles into the open, gaping mouth of another or slapping them atop the head, cheek or anywhere else balls can be swung.

But fear not because National Review senior editor Jay Nordlinger is here to guide these loyal, intelligent patriots through the murky haze of whether they want their movement to be defined by one of the more ridiculous sexual practices and if not, what they intend to do about it.

Perhaps they should embrace the term "teabagger" as a kind of badge of honor, and "own the insult" by taking what is intended as a slur and wearing it proudly?

"What about a special case — the worst word in American English, as some of us see it, namely the N-word? When I was growing up, in Ann Arbor, Mich., there was a little debate: Should school officials try to prevent black students from using the N-word? I don’t believe the issue was ever settled. And this brings up the question of whether “teabagger” could be kind of a conservative N-word: to be used in the family, but radioactive outside the family."

Regrettably, Nordlinger decides his brilliant suggestion to turn teabagger into the new N-word may not be such a good idea after all for a group of ignorant white people who don't hate black people but just don't feel comfortable having their country run by one, especially a secret Muslim terrorist one from Kenya, thank you very much.

Which is a shame really, because embracing teabagger as their version of n****r clearly is the most reasonable and intelligent way to lend credibility to a movement so savvy, they decided bobbing testicles would be the perfect description for a cause as noble as theirs.

"It may well be too late to purge "teabagger" from our discourse, certainly from discourse controlled by liberals. But I'm for giving it a try: for running "teabagger" out of town, even at this late date. It is really a lowdown term. "Tea partier" is a neutral term. "Tea-party patriots" is a positive term, used by some of the protesters themselves. "Teabagger" -- not so positive, and not so neutral."

So the next time you and all the rest of your patriotic friends want to dress up as Ben Franklin and wave Nazi signs simply because you love freedom that much, a good idea may be to try to use a name that doesn't conjure up images of drunken fratboys getting hazed or all the funny ways you can use male reproductive organs for laughs and good cheer.

Oh, and here's a helpful hint: other words to avoid include feminine hygiene products, i.e. douchebaggers, anything with the name Joe in it (six-pack, plumber or otherwise), anything that includes the word nut, job, or any combination thereof, phrases with hidden homosexual connotations (bear, cub, fist, otter, twink, trick, top, bottom etc), and other abbreviated phrases or acronyms that may give the wrong impression, such as KKK, MILF, STD, ASS or DILDO.

CPAC: It's Just Like Lollapalooza, Minus The Music And Fun

How Cute, A GOP Furry!

Ah yes. It is once again that beautiful time of the year when every gun-loving, gay bashing nut job from around the country descends on Washington for a rip-roaring weekend of Conservative Political Action Conference fun!

There, the brightest conservative minds in the country will gather at the Omnishore Hotel to bitch about Barack Obama's socialist takeover of America while giddily plotting the Republican's stunning comeback victory in 2012.

The young American patriots who attend will also be treated to a who's who list of Republican stars including GOP God Rush Limbaugh, America's favorite fake sanitary worker Joe The Plumber, and of course the lovely not-at-all insane Ann Coulter, along with her three-foot neck of freedom.

Although, Alaskan ice princess Sarah Palin couldn't make it, RNC Chairman Michael Steele and Rep. Michele Bachmann brought plenty of youthful GOP street cred by saying things like "my bad" and "you da man!" and other hip stuff the kids really go for these days.

Then Tucker Carlson showed everyone you don't need to wear a cool bow tie to be a true conservative.

As long as you've seriously contemplated stockpiling weapons and food and moving to Idaho, hate the New York Times almost as much as that illegal alien Barack Obama, and think heaven on earth consists of 25 different Fox News channels, you too can become part of this noble party to save America.

You just might have to wait a good four to eight years. Minimum.

Who's Da Man?

Reluctant Hero Rick Santelli Accepts Your Challenge, America!

Obama Vs. Santelli: Round ?

It's on!

When CNBC reporter Rick Santelli went off on his wild rant about how Obama's mortgage bailout plan forces good, hardworking Americans like himself to pay for other people's irresponsible mistakes, he didn't think much of it. He was just speaking from the heart.

Sure it crossed his mind that a reporter coming slightly unhinged on network television might cause some buzz, but he never thought he would be thrust into the limelight as the voice of opposition to Barack Obama's "bad behavior bailout."

But, much like Joe the Plumber before him, Rick the Reporter is finding his 15 minutes of fame too intoxicating to let go.

So the reluctant new Robin Hood is taking his one-man act on the road, hitting the airwaves to explain how he and his family are being terrorized by Obama's White House just because he believes in fiscal responsibility and not giving handouts to every pathetic sap who can't pay his mortgage.

Maybe the White House is so threatened by Santelli because they know former derivative traders and Wall Street loud-mouths who become the poster child for responsible spending have such credibility with the American public right now.

Particularly those whose day-to-day reality consists of reporting from a trading pit with a bunch of sweaty guys who make more money every time they squawk than the value of all the nation's toxic mortgages combined.

Are You Ready For Rick?

Plumber Joe To The Rescue!

Elitists Call Him Joe Wurzelbacher, But You Know Him By Another Name

Oh my god, this changes everything.

Joe the Plumber just dropped a bomb on the American public by coming out of the woodwork (or wherever it is that plumbers come out of) to announce his support for John McCain. I know, craziness!!

But, wait, it gets even juicier.

Not only does Joe The Plumber back McCain for President, he also reveals that if Barack Obama wins the election, he is "scared for America."

Us too. But, we feel so much better now that Plumber Joe, who represents every blue-collar worker in the entire country, is considering a political future of his own.

Yes, the new hero of the middle class, has his eyes set on a seat other than the toilet: Democratic Rep. Marcy Kaptur's congressional seat for Ohio's 9th district.

We think this is a brilliant idea. I mean, these past two weeks have clearly given Plumber Joe all the necessary political experience.

And who better to plunge the crap out of Washington than America's most beloved sanitary worker?

All About The O? More Like All About The Joe!

Ding-ding-ding, we've got a winner! It took a few casualties along the way (need I even mention that god-awful town-hall debate?) but the final presidential showdown kept its promise and delivered a clear-cut victor: Joe the Plumber!!

Yes, ladies and gents, Joe the Plumber, hands down beat both McCain and Obama to emerge as the clear front-runner of this historic presidential election.

Oh sure, both candidates had their moments. McCain got to declare once and for all that he is actually not George W. Bush. And Obama got to assure the American people that, no, he does not chill with William Ayers in his living room.

We also learned that Sarah Palin's special needs child makes her more than qualified to not only be Vice-President, but President-President. Her four other regular needs children? Eh, not so much.

Let's see what else. Oh yeah, Palin's hubby Todd is one tough-ass mother f**ker and pretty hunky too, or at least that's what Johnny tells us. Obama was probably being humble and didn't mention it, but believe me, you wouldn't wanna mess with Michelle Obama either.

Instead of having all these boring, elitist "policy debates" between the two candidates, why not just cut through the BS and have them take off their shirts, compare muscles and settle this once and for all like responsible adults. We can even have Joe the Plumber judge. It’s brilliant!