Surprise! Famed Congressional Punching Bag Tony Hayward Saved By Even Bigger Oil Whore Joe Barton's Apology Heard 'Round The World

Corporate troll and Grand Old Pariah, Rep. Joe Barton of Texas, the ranking member of the House Energy and Commerce Committee, went out on a limb to prove he is in fact, the Grade-A douchebag everyone suspected by, wait for it...apologizing to poor BP for the terrible inconvenience America has caused the oil company for little more than covering its entire Southern coast with delicious British Petroleum and death. Like big whoop, right?

While the rest of Congress was naturally unleashing their furious wrath on the gross incompetence of BP CEO Tony Hayward, who will soon have his life back now that BP’s chairman Carl-Henric Svanberg will take over his job caring for the "small people," Rep. Joe Barton was of course begging for forgiveness from Hayward over President NObama's shameful decision to force his beautiful oil conglomerate to create a $20 billion escrow fund to pay out damages to victims of the oil spill, likely not including those currently washing up on coastal shores covered in thick toxic goo.

"I'm speaking totally for myself and I’m not speaking for the Republican Party and I’m not speaking for anybody in the House of Representatives but myself, but I’m ashamed of what happened in the White House yesterday. I think it’s a tragedy of the first proportion that a private corporation can be subjected to what I would characterize as a shakedown. In this case, a $20 billion shakedown with the Attorney General of the United States who is legitimately conducting a criminal investigation and has every right to do so to protect the interests of the American people participating in what amounts to a $20 billion slush fund that’s unprecedented in our nation’s history that’s got no legal standing and what I think sets a terrible precedent for the future."

A terrible, no-good precedent allowing a corporation as pure and beautiful as British Petroleum to be treated in such an unseemly manner by a U.S. president, an illegal, black U.S. president, no less!

That ain't how Texas rolls y'all!

But even the big business-lovin' Republicans who usually enjoy nothing more than bathing in luxurious crude oil and similar BP-provided contaminants, think their fellow Grand Oil Puppet may have gone a step too far.

Like Florida Rep. Jeff Miller, whose very city of Pensacola will soon be completely covered in greasy BP greed, negligence, and death all because Hayward and Co., decided a devastating oil rig explosion was more desirable than spending even one red cent to prevent such maritime disasters from happening in the first place.

That would make too much sen$e!

"I am shocked by Congressman Joe Barton's reprehensible comments that the government should apologize for the ‘shakedown’ of BP," Miller said. "BP has caused the greatest ecological and environmental disaster our nation has ever seen. They are the responsible party and they should pay for losses and damages, not the taxpayer. I am optimistic and hopeful that BP acted in good faith by opening the $20 million escrow account, as several of us have requested."

"Mr. Barton’s remarks are out of touch with this tragedy and I feel his comments call into question his judgment and ability to serve in a leadership on the Energy and Commerce Committee. He should step down as Ranking Member of the Committee."

Whoa, whoa, easy there, Congressman! Not his fancy shmancy committee seat!! Anything but that!! C'mon you can understand, can't you? After all, you do sit on the "same committee that sets out Republican policy and used the exact same language in opposing the administration's effort to hold BP accountable to families and small businesses of the Gulf by making BP fund a $20 billion accountability trust," don't you?

Oh, details! Never mind those. The point is that even the vile, heartless Grand Old relics in Congress realize that unfortunately, in this rare case, the lesser of the two evils happens to be our terrible, socialist president, and as such, siding with big, bad BP is not only kind of insane, PR-wise, but legally untenable, and will probably backfire and bite them all in the behinds come November. In other words, totally not worth it!

"I have said since the beginning that BP ought to be held responsible for every dime of this tragedy," John Boehner said, growing increasingly orange with every breath. "And they ought to be held accountable to stop the leak and get it cleaned up as soon as possible.”

Just like I ought to take Joe Barton, bind him to Tony Hayward using Michael Steele's trusty ropes 'n chains and drown 'em both in a vat of scalding black oil!

“What is shameful is that Joe Barton seems to have more concern for big corporations that caused this disaster than the fishermen, small-business owners and communities whose lives have been devastated by the destruction," White House press secretary Robert Gibbs said.

"Congressman Barton may think that a fund to compensate these Americans is a ‘tragedy,’ but most Americans know that the real tragedy is what the men and women of the Gulf Coast are going through right now.”

And just think of what poor Tony Hayward is going through now that his lovely summer vacation has been cut short, along with the lives of every aquatic organism used to breathing through non-oil saturated gills. Bummer!

Good thing hard-hitting Democratic Reps. Bart Stupak of Michigan and Henry Waxman of California, whose staff uncovered the bulk of what’s now known about the sh*t-show known as the Deepwater Horizon oil rig, also gave it to Hayward, who is now seen as the second-worst oil whore thanks to Rep. Joe Barton's rapid ascent to the top.

“BP cut corner after corner to save a million dollars here and a few hours or days there,” Waxman said. “And now the whole Gulf Coast is paying the price.”

But, on the bright side, at least BP isn't stuck with the bill. Which should make a certain deep-oil fried Texan happier than a pig in grease, aka our coastal waters!

Blasting Hayward for his petulant, smug comment about wanting his rich, high flying, consequence-be damned, oil executive life back, Stupak said he is “more concerned than ever” with the corporate culture at BP.

“I’m sure you’ll get your life back, with a golden parachute back to England,” Stupak said.

Then maybe he can finally apologize to the Nazis on behalf of Joe Barton for inconveniencing them during World War II. He's felt terrible about it for like ages now!

Of course, when he finally got a chance to testify, and prove to the world that he really is the British version of Dick Cheney, Tony Hayward insisted his company has made strides in instituting safe operations (wink, wink!) and brushed aside claims that the Deepwater Horizon explosion occurred because of unsafe drilling procedures.

Hayward said that he thinks “it’s too early to reach conclusions” about what caused the disaster.

Though he does have a sneaking suspicion it has something to do with the boogie man.

“We have focused like a laser on safe and reliable operations, that is a fact,” Hayward said.

A death star laser, mwhahahahaha!

Much like the Wall Street heroes before him, and the SS officers before them, Hayward pulled the ol' "It wasn't me" and "I was just following orders" defense when facing the sharp questions from the Democratic and Republican anger bears in Congress.

Hayward said he “wasn’t involved in any of that decision making” in relation to the drilling of now-exploded well, and noted that BP drills “hundreds of wells a year all around the world.”

I mean who know all the millions of animals we've killed, and miles of open resource-filled ocean we've laid to waste by now? Who do you think we are scientists or global CEO's who actually know what we're talking about or better yet, actually give a shit? Ha ha, try that soft micro nerd with the glasses and the PC, ya wacky Americans!

Meanwhile, that other Joe who always gets into big f**king trouble for saying big stupid f**king things, Vice President Joe Biden finally got to yell at someone else for saying something outrageous and boneheaded.

"This is an entire way of life that's in jeopardy," Biden said. He said he's surprised that Barton would say he's "ashamed" because the White House is being "tough on an oil company who caused the problem." Biden added, "There's no shakedown, it's insisting on responsible conduct, [a] responsible response to something they caused."

Exactly! What's the problem!? That's the very definition of a shakedown according to the Grand Oil Party's handy pocket dictionary and A-Z guide on how to ruin a coastline, bankrupt a country, destroy an ecosystem, and kill all the goodness in the world in eight quick years or less!

In a rare joint statement, the three blind mice House GOP leaders John Boehner, Eric Cantor and Mike Pence condemned Rep. Barton's statements as wrong, and said, "The oil spill in the Gulf is this nation's largest natural disaster and stopping the leak and cleaning up the region is our top priority."

Right after we plug that other disastrous black hole in the White House, leaking common sense and intelligence all over the once-pure BP-subsidiary known as the United States of Exxon-Mobil.

Valdez sounded a little too Mexicany for their liking, don't ya think?

There's Nothing Fishy 'Bout This Barracuda's Big Oil, Barack Obama Bed-Sharing Bombshell!

It's never easy to tell exactly what $arah Louise Palin is saying, what with her total narcissism, rudimentary understanding of the English language, and various side ventures trying to make even more moose piles of money for her favoritest person, $arah Louise Palin!

But apparently, America's #1 unemployed defender of the freedom to spill, baby spill! luxurious British Petroleum up 'n down America's coasts, may have hinted at a possible presidential run in 2012 to anchor Chris Wallace on her favoritest Fox News over the weekend. Err, or at least as much as can be inferred from the self-centered, incoherent ramblings of a wandering Arctic drifter whose vast policy experiences include keeping a perfectly-mascarad eye on Mother Russia from her front porch, while teaching her 25 children about the joys of skinning and gutting a freshly-killed moose, elk, or absent baby-daddy's pursuing porn careers.

"It really comes down to it's not being about me, or what I want, or what I predict is gonna happen. ... [I]f the voters of America are in the mood for a kind of unconventional, candid, honest public servant — it doesn't necessarily have to be me — but if that's what they're in the mood for, they're going to let that be known, and they're going to help really propel and push that candidate forward, and then that candidate, of course, will make the decision whether to run or not. Don't know if that's going to me, Chris. ... As I've always said, I'm not going to close any door that perhaps would be open."

Ya know, sorta like the health care that's needed to shore up the economy because it's all about job creation right? Exactly the type of coy, evasive, semi-coherent, run-on response you'd expect from the one-time runner-up Miss Alaska turned former half-term governor turned full-time facebooker turned professional money-maker, with nary a spare moment to brush up on her English speaking skills, what with her crazy, sardine-packed schedule padding her bank account serving the American people.

But even a selfless patriot like $arah knows that if she is what the American people want, then she is exactly what they will get, because in Sarah's mind(?), country always comes first. Or at least right after herself, her career, her bottom line, her perfect, off-limits family, her corporate sponsors, and even her totally justified avenging of any hapless schmuck dumb enough to cross the killer 'Cuda, at any point before, after, or during her meteoric rise to fame and fortune, courtesy of her sweet, senile Granddaddy, Johnny Mac.

Locked 'n loaded in her crosshairs is of course that terrible, arugula-eating community organizer from Kenya, Barack Hussein Obama, who smart $arah just knows is solely responsible for the delicious but devastating BP oil disaster, turning America's Southern coastlines into a kid-friendly, oil-infused bubble bath complete with rubber duckies that float right to the top!

Much like how daughter Bristol's drunk romp in the sack with Levi gave us a precious miracle of God named Tripp, Sarah is just positive that President NObama's slutty bedding of Big Oil is behind this newest precious miracle of fact-based reality versus some idiotic Alaskan woman's cute 'n catchy campaign slogans.

Well, $arah wants to know why the elitist lamestream media is letting our illegal, oil-drenched, half-black, Muslim president get away with such monumental failures of leadership, and ridiculous, short-sighted policies as "drill, baby drill!" Those are her hard-earned, nonsensical ideas, God damn it!

"If there's any connection there to President Obama taking so doggone long to get in there, to dive in there and grasp the complexity and the potential tragedy that we are seeing here in the Gulf of Mexico. Now if this was President Bush or if this were a Republican in office who hadn't received as much support even as President Obama has from BP and other oil companies, you know the mainstream media would be all over his case."

Oh hell yeah! Right on sister! Like when that swirling mass of God's wrath over homosexuality and abortions called Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans and President George W. Bush single-handedly saved the Big Easy from becoming the next Lost City of Atlantis by heading down South, and saving the whole drowning city using nothing more than a pair of fins, snorkel, jumbo-sized straw, and his unparalleled ability to suck. Or something like that.

White House spokesman Robert Gibbs fired back at Palin's suggestions that Obama was somehow "in bed with big oil" because of 2008 campaign contributions, dismissing the notion as being almost as asinine as the person whose perfectly-lipsticked mouth it came out of.

"Sarah Palin was involved in that election, but I don't think, apparently, was paying a whole lot of attention," Gibbs said. "I'm almost sure that the oil companies don't consider the Obama administration a huge ally. We proposed a windfall profits tax when they jacked their oil prices up to charge for gasoline."

"My suggestion to Sarah Palin would be to get slightly more informed as to what's going on in and around oil drilling in this country."

Eh, not sure that would jibe with her awesome, new plan to leave the precious ocean floor alone to avoid spillin', baby spillin', and instead start drillin', baby drillin' straight into the plentiful, massive, living, mobile oil storage units God blessed us with on his fifth day of Creation.

Why else would He fill the seas with all those dumb, blubber-filled whales?

For Moby-Dick?? Hahahahaha, more like so Moby-Ditz can keep her maverick lips lookin' their glossy, shiny, wet 'n wild, water-resistant, Beluga best, in any environment...man-made disasters, included!

You betcha!

What Bends But Doesn't Break? Michael Steele After A Big GOP Sexytime Scandal!

Yo, yo America, it's your big pimpin', off-the-hook RNC Chairman of youth, Michael Steele comin' at ya live after this not-so-fly week involving me, some GOP peeps, and a couple stacks of Benjies bein' tossed around some bondage-themed Lezzy clubs. Holla back y'all!

Well, turns out not everyone in the hip hop Grand Old Party of Da Streets is down with all this donor S&M sexytime. Wassup wit dat?

"Republican National Committee chief of staff Ken McKay has resigned in the wake of a controversy over an expenditure at a risque California nightclub," RNC communications director Doug Heye said.

Awww, that's whack, yo!

Oh, suddenly, big donors don't want to spend the scrilla so Michael Steele can get bound, gagged, and whipped by a leather clad dominatrix named Destiny, who also shares a deep fear of big (black) government, and affordable, quality health care for all those who don't spend their evenings getting money stuffed in their panties while swinging 'round a poll.

Any way you slice it, the RNC is facing some serious sh*t right now. Fat cat donors are scramming left and right, and Republicans are scrambling for a way to keep the money rolling without resorting to their usual playbook of intelligence-insulting racist cartoons, billboards of hate, and/or late-night misadventures featuring two girls one pole.

But the RNC doesn't want to fire its first black chairman before the election, because then they might lose the black vote!

Ha ha. Just playin'! Michael Steele is GOP-for-life, for reals, yo!

"The members of the Republican National Committee entrusted myself and every staffer to lead the loyal opposition against the destructive Obama agenda, build a stronger Republican party and win elections. This is a role I take with the utmost seriousness. With this in mind, I want to do everything in my power to ensure that the committee uses all its resources in the best possible fashion," Steele said.

Throw your hands up if ya wit me! For all those whose hands are leather bound behind their back by faux lesbo strippers, feel free to give the Steele baby a shout-out instead!

Can I get a tort reform, small government, lower taxes, what what!?!

Asked whether being an African American gave him a "slimmer margin of error" than another chairman might have, Steele said:

"The honest answer is 'yes.' It just is. Barack Obama has a slimmer margin. We all -- a lot of folks do. It's a different role for me to play and others to play, and that's just the reality of it. But you take that as part of the nature of it."

See, ain't nothin' wrong with a little role-playing now and then to ease the mind. Helps keep the flava fresh!

Apparently not to boring White House press secretary Robert Gibbs, who called Steele's comment on race "silly," and said, "I think Michael Steele's problem isn't the race card, it's the credit card."

Eh, that or the RNC's (whore) house of cards.

Whatever, dog. That's why Mr. 'Balls Of" Steele prefers to roll the old school way: straight up, cold hard cash, baby! Dolla dolla bills, y'all!

Hail To The Chief? The Supreme Power Of Those In Power

Supreme Court Chief Justice Jagoff, John Roberts and his famously understated, chic, side-sweep hairdo are very upset!

And not just cause ol' blue eyes misses his favoritest mentor and surrogate pop George W. Bush, who handpicked him of all the lawyers in the land to become the new, non-ancient, unqualified, straight-shootin' son of a right-wing gun the administration needed to fill the big, spit-shined shoes left by William Rehnquist upon his passage to the sweet kingdom in the clouds. Not even!

But because of that terrible meany Barack Obama, who unlike Georgy pants, never wants to have fun or play in the sandbox with Scalia out back, or do anything cool like they used to when Bush was still roaming the Oval Office, looking for someone to arm wrestle besides Laura and Miss Beazley. He's already beat Laura like a million times, and paws don't really count as arms!

It all started when President Obama, in a break from tradition, called out the stoic black robes in the front row for their recent Citizens United ruling that allows corporations and unions to freely spend money to run political ads for or against specific candidates during his annual State of the Union Address.

"With all due deference to the separation of powers the Supreme Court reversed a century of law to open the floodgates for special interests — including foreign corporations — to spend without limit in our elections," Obama said.

"Well I don't think American elections should be bankrolled by America's most powerful interests, or worse, by foreign entities. They should be decided by the American people, and that's why I'd urge Democrats and Republicans to pass a bill that corrects some of these problems."

How dare the leader of the free world suggest Congress use our constitutional system of checks and balances to attempt to put together a legislative fix to rectify the Supreme Court's reckless decision to give Pringles, Coca Cola, Exxon Mobil, Doritos, and Mr. Clean more political sway than any poor schlub with a voting card but no corporate one??

Naturally, Chief Justice John WAHberts is crying foul over President NObama's horrifying decision to single out the recent Supreme Court decision to reverse a century of legal precedent, allowing companies and other special interests to spend as much as their greedy little corporate-branded hearts desire in our elections.

Apparently, Mr. Goody Two-Shoes Obama doesn't think it is such a good idea to let Uncle Ben (of rice fame) be able to spend the same amount as Ben's Uncle (of repairman fame) in deciding who gets to be the next U.S. president. Party-pooper!

Of course, Captain of the High Court, Dread Justice Roberts believes anyone is welcome to criticize the court, and some even have an obligation to do so because of their positions. Just not the President, and not during highly publicized events like State of the Union Addresses when people might actually see the President belittle the good justices of the court, holding all nine accountable for their decisions affecting every citizen in the country.

"So I have no problems with that," Roberts said in response to a University of Alabama law student's question.

"On the other hand, there is the issue of the setting, the circumstances and the decorum. The image of having the members of one branch of government standing up, literally surrounding the Supreme Court, cheering and hollering while the court - according the requirements of protocol - has to sit there expressionless, I think is very troubling."

Except for that one robot-in-Justice-clothes, Samuel Alito, who protocol be damned, just couldn't control his petty human urges to protest being chastised by the president on prime-time teevee, and resorted to a Joe Wilson-like temper tantrum, complete with furious head-shaking and silent shouts of the words "not true, not true" in the hopes that someone would see the humanity obscured by layers of tight terrycloth and a deep disdain for the rest of the dopey public not bright enough to snag a coveted spot on the bench.

Indeed, John Roberts is shocked (shocked!) over how much the State of the Union address has "degenerated to a political pep rally." Which everyone knows is only permissible when it is Republicans doing the pepping.

In fact, Roberts doesn't even understand why the Supreme Court Justices have to attend these long, boring State of the Union speeches at all.

"I'm not sure why we're there," he said.

Of course, he could always go the Justice Antonin Scalia route and refuse to attend such things because the justices "sit there like bumps on a log" while all the attention is hogged by Mr. Hot Shot President.

And also because Scalia a total dick, second only to that other former vice presidential Dick. And as such, can't stand being around actual humans, 'cept that one beautiful reflection he sees in mirrors and windows.

Well, White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs isn't about to sit back and let some mannequins dressed in legal drag say what is troubling and what is not.

"What is troubling is that this decision opened the floodgates for corporations and special interests to pour money into elections - drowning out the voices of average Americans," Gibbs said. "The President has long been committed to reducing the undue influence of special interests and their lobbyists over government. That is why he spoke out to condemn the decision and is working with Congress on a legislative response."

Whatever.

I mean why should they be held responsible for their disastrous ruling that rapes years of legal precedent, and the very democratic process this country was founded upon?

Just because they make the law, doesn't mean they have to follow it. Silly NObama, don't you know anything?

Like how their motto, "Equal Justice Under Law" really means "Every Justice Above Law."

After all, Justice For Life=Life Without Justice.

'Tis the golden rule. Unless they feel like changing it. Or doing away with it altogether.

That's what makes them Supreme.

All Hail Iran's Supreme Leader Ayatollah Khomeini

Robert Gibbs Gives World Famous Satirist Sarah Palin Taste Of Her Own Medicine

Damn that Robert Gibbs! Damn him to hell! Making fun of Baby Trig and special needs children everywhere, by scribblin' some notes on his hand during Tuesday's White House Press Briefing.

Well, excuuuuuuse him if he isn't elite enough to use a teleprompter like some hoity-toity presidents, talk show hosts, news anchors, and other Very Important Persons who aspire to be more than just the pretty face of the teabagging nation or the constant butt of late night talk show hosts and stand-up comedians.

Just like the common man and his Alaskan gal pal Sarah Palin, Robert Gibbs isn't afraid to go the old-fashioned cheat sheet route when speakin' to the good peoples of the press corps.

It's hard to remember a million things like eggs, milk, bread err, make that pancakes--not to mention all those confusing, abstract concepts like hope and change!

Of course, everyone in the press corps found the whole thing delightfully hilarious, naturally because of their elite liberal bias as working members of the evil media.

Well, laugh it up now Mr. Gibbs and Co., because things won't be so funny when Sarah Palin unleashes one of her famously harsh, razor sharp, ghostwritten Facebook smackdowns on your ass, now will they?

Didn't think so! Nope, you'll be crying like a little baby. A little special needs democratic baby!

GOP Grudgingly Agrees To Not Obstruct For One Whole Televised Hour

Boohoo, boohoo!

The sweet, cooperative, sincere Republican leaders, trying their very hardest to help bring jobs and health care reform to the poor, suffering insurance companies American people, just can't catch a break from that Bully Barry and his unruly gang of bloodthirsty Demoncrats. Meanies!

Every time they come thisclose to grinding President Obama's terrible, socialist agenda to a halt and ruining everything for everyone (who isn't white, rich, or insane), that deviant Kenyan man has to go and propose some sensible, sound solution, like a Bipartisan Health Care Summit, where the GOP can voice their biggest gripes, deepest secrets, darkest fears, and wildest fantasies, live on national teevee!

All the Republicans have to do is show up, which is clearly just another outrageous demand from the out-of-control madman we call president.

Can you believe the nerve of this guy? Asking the Republicans to simply show up for an opportunity to help craft some of the most important policy legislation in decades. Who does this jerk think he is, the President or something?

Good thing the Republicans care so much about the American people, they're willing to put petty politics aside and do whatever it takes to help the country!

All Obama has to do in return is scrap nearly a year of contentious legislative wrangling that produced two bills, which passed both chambers of Congress (albeit with no GOP support), and start over completely from scratch. Then, maybe, just maybe the Republicans will consider attending Mr. Hopey Changey's little bipartisan health care summit.

"If the starting point for this meeting is the job-killing bills the American people have already soundly rejected, Republicans would rightly be reluctant to participate," House Minority Leader John Boehner and Minority Whip Eric Cantor wrote in a letter to the White House.

"'Bipartisanship' is not writing proposals of your own behind closed doors, then unveiling them and demanding Republican support."

Damn right it's not! Bipartisanship is letting the Republicans dictate a new bill, word-for-word, or you and those 50 million uninsured Americans can go screw yourselves, NObama!

But selfish Mr. Big Shot Obama apparently won't just abandon all the hard work that's already been done just to appease a few, unhappy congressional campers who won't be pleased until ObamaCare joins Teddy Kennedy six feet under, where it belongs.

"Obama's been very clear about his support for the House and Senate bills because of what they achieve for the American people: putting a stop to insurance company abuses, extending coverage to millions of hardworking Americans, getting control of rising premiums and out-of-pocket costs, and reducing the deficit," White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs explained.

"The President looks forward to reviewing Republican proposals that meet the goals he laid out at the beginning of this process, and as recently as the State of the Union Address. He's open to including any good ideas that stand up to objective scrutiny."

"What he will not do, however, is walk away from reform and the millions of American families and small business counting on it. The recent news that a major insurer plans to raise premiums for some customers by as much as 39 percent is a stark reminder of the consequences of doing nothing."

Grandma dies and Republicans win?

Luckily, the GOP has been such good sports and reasonable, agreeable participants through the whole reform process.

"We don't make a habit out of turning down invitations from the President regardless of the merit of the exercise," one senior GOP aide said. "Although we're not excited about filming an infomercial for the President's new 'bipartisan' PR campaign."

Aww, c'mon! Not even if we throw in a li'l cameo as the courageous defenders of the poor, long-suffering insurance execs and Wall Street fat cats being persecuted under Comrade Barry's terrifying reign as a ruthless thug trying to help average Americans have more choices than death or bankruptcy, whatever the chapter?

And if all goes well, Obama can then offer Republicans their precious tort reform (so doctors and hospitals can stop being victimized by greedy patients whose litigation crusades hurt almost as much the botched surgery they seek compensation for), asking only that some of them vote for it in return. And then, when they still say "no," the American people will realize the truth...

The Democrats can do everything and still not get anything done. While Republicans can do absolutely nothing, and still, somehow accomplish everything.

Exactly the way a healthy democracy is supposed to work!

What's A Gang With No Members?

Sens. Grassley And Enzi At Your Service!

Anger bear Sen. Mike Enzi of Wyoming, the second ranking Republican involved in bipartisan health care negotiations, wants to reform health care in much the same way that his superior Sen. Charles Grassley does: by promptly massacring any health care reform bill that comes his way.

This is not good for the Gang of Six, people! It's so bad in fact that even resident White House blabbermouth Robert Gibbs admitted the once-powerful Gang of Six might be the wimpy Gang of Five, now that Enzi has decided to throw his massive body in the way of health care progress of any kind.

"In Senator Enzi's case, he doesn't believe there's a pathway to get bipartisan support and the President thinks that's wrong," Gibbs said. "I think Senator Enzi's clearly turned over his cards on bipartisanship and decided that it's time to walk away from the table."

But what about those "good-faith" negotiations that lead Republican Twitter Bug Sen. Charles "Chuck" Grassley has been working so hard to fit into his 140-character limit?

As ranking member of the Finance Committee and the Republican go-to guy on health care negotiations, surely Grassley cares about developing a solid, workable, bipartisan compromise on health-care reform more than his own 2010 re-election chances, right?

Without a doubt. You can see just how passionate his commitment to helping solve the country's pressing health care crisis is by reading one of his recent fundraising letters, dated August 10:

I had to rush you this Air-Gram today to set the record straight on my firm and unwavering opposition to government-run health care.

And ask your immediate support in helping me defeat "Obama-care."

I’m sure you’ve been following this issue closely. If the legislation sponsored by Speaker Nancy Pelosi in the House of Representatives and Chairman Ted Kennedy in the Senate is passed it would be a pathway to a government takeover of the health care svstem. lt would turn over control of your health care decisions to a federal bureaucrat … and take it away from you and your personal physician.

It would mean government rationing in the name of cost controls.

The simple truth is that I am and always have been opposed to the Obama administration’s plan to nationalize health care.

Thank goodness he was able to squeeze in those underlines before the Air-Gram patrol came for pick-up! Otherwise, how would we ever know which parts were important enough to read?

But doesn't it at least make you feel good to know how hard he's trying?

White House Comedy Hour With Robert Gibbs

Prompter, Prompter On The Wall, Who's The Funniest One Of All?

Being press secretary is a real hoot. Unlike those Bush duds before him like Dana Perino (she was pretty though) and Scott McClennan (eh not so much), Obama's White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs is a regular laugh riot. He may look shlubby and dull, but things are not always as they appear. Move over Letterman, Leno, and Conan, there's a new comic superstar on the block and his name is Robert Gibbs!

Sure, the U.S. is facing some of its most difficult challenges in history: the economy's gone to hell, North Korea is being its usual nutty self, and Dick Cheney has embarked upon a nonstop apocalyptic doom media tour across the U.S. But over in the White House press briefing room, the media is having the time of their lives.

In the first four months of Robert Gibbs' stint as the nation's new press secretary and resident comic genius, there have been more than 600 officially recorded instances of "Laughter" in the transcript. That's an average of more than 10 laughs per day!!!

Which is more than can be said for George W. Bush's last press secretary Snoozefest Dana Perino who got all of 57 laughs in her first painfully dreary four months. Ditto for Wah Wah Scott McClennan who could only muster up a measly 66 laughs in the same four month stint. Even George W. Bush's resident jester and press secretary ace the late Tony Snow doesn't even come close to Gibbs, with his paltry 217 laughs looking more like a librarian's performance than a bonafide comedy star.

But it's not like it's all fun and games in the James S. Brady Briefing Room. While no Gibbs press briefing has been entirely devoid of giggles, there have been a few days of near-laughterlessness when Mr. G didn't quite bring his A-game. Like the somber Ides of March (10 and 27), when only two instances of "Laughter" were recorded the entire day because apparently everyone remembered they weren't actually cool SNL cast members but lame White House press corps members.

So what's behind these new, lighter, dare I even say, fun White House press conferences?

“I think it has more to do with the interest in Obama than in his spokesman,” says Human Events editor John Gizzi. “There’s always fascination with a new president. That said, there is a lot of laughter out there, and a part of it is because of Gibbs — he has a great sense of humor...He has a bigger audience to play to than did Snow or Perino, thanks to the new administration. This press room is always crowded and, this time, the entertainer plays to a bigger audience.”

In other words, Gibbs probably won't have to worry about having any reporters chuck shoes at his head. Which is probably a good thing because something tells me his comedy skills are a hell of a lot better than his reflexes. That's Bush's forte.

Reluctant Hero Rick Santelli Accepts Your Challenge, America!

Obama Vs. Santelli: Round ?

It's on!

When CNBC reporter Rick Santelli went off on his wild rant about how Obama's mortgage bailout plan forces good, hardworking Americans like himself to pay for other people's irresponsible mistakes, he didn't think much of it. He was just speaking from the heart.

Sure it crossed his mind that a reporter coming slightly unhinged on network television might cause some buzz, but he never thought he would be thrust into the limelight as the voice of opposition to Barack Obama's "bad behavior bailout."

But, much like Joe the Plumber before him, Rick the Reporter is finding his 15 minutes of fame too intoxicating to let go.

So the reluctant new Robin Hood is taking his one-man act on the road, hitting the airwaves to explain how he and his family are being terrorized by Obama's White House just because he believes in fiscal responsibility and not giving handouts to every pathetic sap who can't pay his mortgage.

Maybe the White House is so threatened by Santelli because they know former derivative traders and Wall Street loud-mouths who become the poster child for responsible spending have such credibility with the American public right now.

Particularly those whose day-to-day reality consists of reporting from a trading pit with a bunch of sweaty guys who make more money every time they squawk than the value of all the nation's toxic mortgages combined.

Are You Ready For Rick?