GOP Grudgingly Agrees To Not Obstruct For One Whole Televised Hour

Boohoo, boohoo!

The sweet, cooperative, sincere Republican leaders, trying their very hardest to help bring jobs and health care reform to the poor, suffering insurance companies American people, just can't catch a break from that Bully Barry and his unruly gang of bloodthirsty Demoncrats. Meanies!

Every time they come thisclose to grinding President Obama's terrible, socialist agenda to a halt and ruining everything for everyone (who isn't white, rich, or insane), that deviant Kenyan man has to go and propose some sensible, sound solution, like a Bipartisan Health Care Summit, where the GOP can voice their biggest gripes, deepest secrets, darkest fears, and wildest fantasies, live on national teevee!

All the Republicans have to do is show up, which is clearly just another outrageous demand from the out-of-control madman we call president.

Can you believe the nerve of this guy? Asking the Republicans to simply show up for an opportunity to help craft some of the most important policy legislation in decades. Who does this jerk think he is, the President or something?

Good thing the Republicans care so much about the American people, they're willing to put petty politics aside and do whatever it takes to help the country!

All Obama has to do in return is scrap nearly a year of contentious legislative wrangling that produced two bills, which passed both chambers of Congress (albeit with no GOP support), and start over completely from scratch. Then, maybe, just maybe the Republicans will consider attending Mr. Hopey Changey's little bipartisan health care summit.

"If the starting point for this meeting is the job-killing bills the American people have already soundly rejected, Republicans would rightly be reluctant to participate," House Minority Leader John Boehner and Minority Whip Eric Cantor wrote in a letter to the White House.

"'Bipartisanship' is not writing proposals of your own behind closed doors, then unveiling them and demanding Republican support."

Damn right it's not! Bipartisanship is letting the Republicans dictate a new bill, word-for-word, or you and those 50 million uninsured Americans can go screw yourselves, NObama!

But selfish Mr. Big Shot Obama apparently won't just abandon all the hard work that's already been done just to appease a few, unhappy congressional campers who won't be pleased until ObamaCare joins Teddy Kennedy six feet under, where it belongs.

"Obama's been very clear about his support for the House and Senate bills because of what they achieve for the American people: putting a stop to insurance company abuses, extending coverage to millions of hardworking Americans, getting control of rising premiums and out-of-pocket costs, and reducing the deficit," White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs explained.

"The President looks forward to reviewing Republican proposals that meet the goals he laid out at the beginning of this process, and as recently as the State of the Union Address. He's open to including any good ideas that stand up to objective scrutiny."

"What he will not do, however, is walk away from reform and the millions of American families and small business counting on it. The recent news that a major insurer plans to raise premiums for some customers by as much as 39 percent is a stark reminder of the consequences of doing nothing."

Grandma dies and Republicans win?

Luckily, the GOP has been such good sports and reasonable, agreeable participants through the whole reform process.

"We don't make a habit out of turning down invitations from the President regardless of the merit of the exercise," one senior GOP aide said. "Although we're not excited about filming an infomercial for the President's new 'bipartisan' PR campaign."

Aww, c'mon! Not even if we throw in a li'l cameo as the courageous defenders of the poor, long-suffering insurance execs and Wall Street fat cats being persecuted under Comrade Barry's terrifying reign as a ruthless thug trying to help average Americans have more choices than death or bankruptcy, whatever the chapter?

And if all goes well, Obama can then offer Republicans their precious tort reform (so doctors and hospitals can stop being victimized by greedy patients whose litigation crusades hurt almost as much the botched surgery they seek compensation for), asking only that some of them vote for it in return. And then, when they still say "no," the American people will realize the truth...

The Democrats can do everything and still not get anything done. While Republicans can do absolutely nothing, and still, somehow accomplish everything.

Exactly the way a healthy democracy is supposed to work!