Forget The Beatles, The Only Thing Bigger Than Jesus Is Dick!

Where does a sneering, creepy, washed up, former henchman of the apocalypse (aka George W. Bush's eight-year hell reign), who is hated by many and loved by few, go when he needs a little pick me up?

Give up? Why to the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC), of course!

It's where all the old, irrelevant societal pariahs go to once again feel like a star, bask in the warm light of attention, and whine about that dithering Kenyan menace who hates freedom almost as much as starting wars for no reason.

A place where surprise guests and once shining stars like former vice president Cheney can go be their true Dick selves, and still receive thunderous applause and standing ovations from the adoring audience even while balling the sh*t out of the dumb numbnuts for clapping way too long and way too loud.

It's been awhile since he's been around actual humans, he almost forgot how God damn annoying you people are. Almost.

In fact, if he hears one more of you idiots chanting "Four more years!" or "Cheney 2012!" he's gonna friggin' lose it. He'll bust out the waterboarding table right here, right now, so help him God.

"Knock it off!" Cheney said. "A welcome like that is almost enough to make me want to run for office again. But I'm not gonna do it."

Wanna know why? Cause he's (a) Dick that's why. And quite frankly, this country doesn't deserve his sweet, sourpuss face and soothing monotone voice.

Much like the dumb bastards don't deserve a new opening line and will have to settle for a repeat of his 2008 speech instead.

Hahaha, suckers!

Per his usual Dick self, Cheney's remarks were short, slightly encouraging, and more than a little menacing.

"There are some great years ahead of us and it's very, very important that we succeed," Cheney said. "It's a remarkable time to be an American, a remarkable time to be a conservative. Good luck."

Not like you'll need it thanks to the deranged soothsayer you have to lead the way.

"I think 2010 is going to be a phenomenal year for the conservative cause," Cheney said to the now-hyperventilating audience. "And I think that Barack Obama is a one-term president."

Which of course caused the crowd to pass the normal excitement threshold into utter and total hysteria, gasping for breath in between squeals of delight.

Cheney, who was introduced by the blonde-estrogen-filled version of himself, hell daughter Liz, as part of the off-the-hook, proud "younger generation" of Republicans with equally terrible ideas and similarly demented views of the world, vowed to remain active in the conservative cause.

"I'll do everything I can, but I most especially want to encourage the younger generation," Cheney said of his actions in the future.

In the form of my lovely non-gay daughter Liz, who I've trained since birth to heed the Cheney call and make Daddy Dick proud as part of the "younger generation" of social misfits and human defects who gaze adoringly at this grimacing, decrepit, white-haired, occasionally incapacitated 69-year-old, four-time heart attack survivor and prophet of doom, and think to themselves, thank god this man, no this God, is here to restore America to her rightful place as the Star-spangled Satan we once knew and loved so well.

In other words, the Dick Cheney of world superpowers.