The "Winners" In Illinois' Elections May Not Be Clear, But The Losers Sure Are!

Ay, Illinoizzzzzz how you doin'?

Eh, not so well, if you happen to be a resident, concerned citizen, recently elected politician, or just a regular Joe who simply would like to have one elected official not also be a deranged lunatic with a shady past and a rap sheet the size of Rod Blagojevich's stylish coif.

In Illinois? Hahaha, fuggedaboutit!

Let's start with Democratic Sen. candidate Alexi Giannoulias whose tight primary victory was immediately followed by his star-making debut in the National Republican Senatorial Committee's hot new attack ad and brilliant tribute to misguided stereotypes and bad reality TV, called, "Alexi Giannoulias: He'd Make Tony Soprano Proud."

With all the class of Jersey Shore, wiseguy charm of the Sopranos, and wacky, wild Italian-y family fun of My Big Fat Greek Wedding, the NRSC ad is basically a best of cultural mafia cliches rolled into a single two minute segment of bad taste, even worse Guido accent, random stereotypes and desperate innuendos based on the infallible fact that Greek Sen. hopeful Alexi Giannoulias is so sleazy and corrupt, he might as well be Italian. Bada bing!

As if this poorly (Michael Steele?) narrated war on the senses and backhand slap to intelligence isn't proof enough of the slimy ways of Alexi Giannoulias, perhaps the fact that this former treasurer of Illinois used to play basketball with public enemy number one, Barack Hussein Obama, will finally convince the public that Giannoulias doesn't represent change we can believe in, but even better, beliefs we can change.

Through savvy ads that show Americans the truth about their politicians by preying on public fears and prejudices using cheap gimmicks and flashy graphics.

Like that Republicans actually care about the well-being of anything except their own election chances and ability to lie, cheat, and dupe the dumb ass public into actually sending them to Washington to continue to fight for the little people. You know, real, hardworking Americans like Morgan Stanley, Meryl Lynch, and Charles Schwab.

Perhaps former Republican Gov. George Ryan has suggestions for a little Land o' Lincoln GOP comeback? You'll just need to mapquest directions to the Federal Correctional Institution out in Terre Haute, Indiana. No biggie!

"Underneath every issue in Illinois is corruption," Republican Sen. hopeful Mark Kirk said. "The one-party state is not working."

Never mind the five terms he served in Congress. They don't count! That's when George W. Bush was president and government was good and decent and pure. Not the unchecked, power-abusing current illegal regime led by a dissident Kenyan socialist with an unquenchable desire to make the government work for the people, not the Peoples' energy company.

Damn Socialists! With their health care reform to help Americans get insurance without dying or going broke (or both), silly jobs creation bills (haha, like anyone needs that!) and attempts to repeal decades-old discrimination against giving gays the freedom to defend the very freedom they're denied.

"It's telling," Mr. Giannoulias said of Mr. Kirk, "that while I’m talking about ideas and creating jobs in Illinois, he's focused on ridiculous political attacks. What people are looking for is someone who is talking about ideas."

Nonsense! They're looking for someone who is talking about what a crazy bastard the other guy is.

And in the land of freakin' golden things like Rod Blagojevich, that shouldn't be too difficult.

In fact, the winner of the Democrats' Lieutenant Governor primary, Scott Lee Cohen is already more than qualified for a long and fruitful career in Illinois politics, with a solid assault rap for attacking his prostitute girlfriend back in 2005, slamming her head against a wall, and holding a knife to her neck. Hooray!

Since all Illinois lieutenant governors become governors after their bosses go to jail and become reality TV celebs, it's only a matter of time until Mr. Scott Lee Cohen gets to choke all of us in an uncontrollable fit of rage and violence.

But, unlike the normal prostitute-client relationship, here in Illinois, the prostitutes (taxpayers) pay the pimps (politicians) for their services.

Abe would be so proud!