Tough Guy Rahm Emanuel Kicked Off Chicago Mayoral Ballot By F**king Appellate Court; Unlike Jay Cutler, Rahmbo Refuses To Go Down Without A Fight!

OMG Chicago, did you hear da awful, terrible, no-good news??

No, no, not that Bears QB Jay Cutler might have torn his MCL along with the entire state of Illinois' heart out of its chest before pouting cold and alone on the sidelines in Sunday's painful loss to the hated, rival Green Bay Packers.

The other no-good, terrible Earth shattering news!! That front-runner and almost-certain-to-be-next-eternal-Mayor-of-Chicago Rahm Emanuel has been ruled ineligible to run by an appellate court because he did not meet residency requirements, in that he did not, umm, actually, reside in their fair city while poking naked men in the shower as Barack Obama's White House chief of staff in Washington.

The friggin' bastards!

Reversing a decision by the Chicago Board of Election Commissioners, which had unanimously agreed that Emanuel was eligible to run for mayor, the appellate panel, by a 2-1 ruling, said Emanuel does not meet the residency requirement of having lived in Chicago for a year prior to the election.

"We conclude that the candidate neither meets the Municipal Code's requirement that he have 'resided in' Chicago for the year preceding the election in which he seeks to participate nor falls within any exception to the requirement," the majority judges wrote.

"Accordingly, we disagree with the Board's conclusion that he is eligible to run for the office of Mayor of the City of Chicago. We reverse the circuit court's judgment confirming the Board's decision, set aside the Board's decision and ... order that the candidate's name be excluded (or, if necessary, removed) from the ballot."

To which Rahm promptly ordered the head of each judge immediately be excluded, or, if necessary, removed from their body, and be placed atop the two spires of the Sears, err, Willis Tower, or whatever terrible company purchased the right to have its God-awful name slapped on now, instead.

Rahm Emanuel, who had previously won rulings by the election board and Cook County Circuit Court, will likely take his case all the way to the Illinois Supreme Court, where there will hopefully be enough Daleys or Obamas stacked on it to get this decision overturned and get Rahm back to sending dead fish through the mail, insulting Sarah Palin-owned Retarded People™, and spending money no one has as the new, foulmouthed mayor of Chicago, where he belongs.

Emanuel remained confident that the Supreme Court would rule in his favor.

"As I've said from the beginning, I was just elected to congress two years ago," Emanuel said. "I own a home here, I vote from here, I pay taxes here. The Board of Elections agreed with that. Joseph Morris agreed with that, and Judge Ballard agreed with that."

"I have no doubt we will prevail in this matter," Emanuel said. "It's just one turn in the road."

"When the president of the United States asks you to serve your country, you do that."

C'mon, an entire year and a half serving as White House chief of staff and you're really going to believe Obama didn't teach him how to fake his place of birth?

What are you f**kin' retarded or something?

Besides, what the hell else is Rahm gonna do? I mean, it's not like there's a big, high-profile administration anywhere that likes to keep a full stock of outspoken, fiery Chicago Democratic political personalities or anything!

Hmmm, on second thought, how's Rahm's throwing arm? He's already got the asshole who knows ballet part down. Plus, something tells me a North Side native with four fingers, tough-as-nails attitude, never-say-die mentality, and warrior's heart is better than a disingenuous Denver import with full digits, boatloads of talent, a rocket arm, Type I diabetes, two chins, a bad attitude, undeserved sense of entitlement, inflated sense of himself, and an empty cavity on his left side where a four-chambered pumping organ of muscle and connective tissue used to be.

Most people call it a heart. Rahm Emanuel calls it breakfast.

Gettin Jiggy Wit It: Big Pimpin' Mark Kirk Won't Let Dem Crazy Coloreds "Jigger" With His Pure, White Senate Election!

Everyone makes mistakes, Mark Kirk just makes a lot of them. Usually, at the absolute worst time possible. Like, say, two weeks before Senate elections, bad timing!

For the most part, Mr. Kirk has managed to keep his lies, distortions, exaggerations, and various f**k-ups out of the prying public eye, save for a few concocted claims about oh, I don't know, winning the Navy’s exclusive Intelligence Officer of the Year award (he didn't!), being a nursery care school teacher (he wasn't!), masquerading as a strapping, heterosexual man (he isn't!), all to stay competitive, locked neck & neck, packed tight (ooooh, just the way he likes it!) with sexy, smooth Democratic challenger Alexi Giannoulias.

But then suddenly, out of nowhere, Mark's Grand Old Penchant for being a no-good hypocrite, getting caught saying and/or doing terrible things, rears its ugly head, once again showing his true colors: WHITE! and threatening to derail Mr. Kirk's hopes of earning the distinct privilege of screwing over as many dumb, poor people as possible as the nation's new esteemed Republican senator from Illinois. Hooray!

In a secretly recorded (D'Oh!) phone conversation with various state GOP big shots, the always lovely Mark Kirk told state Republican leaders last week about his freakin' golden plan (eat it Blago!) to send "lawyers and other people to vulnerable precincts...where the other side might be tempted to jigger the numbers somewhat."

The "other side" of course referring to those unsavory characters who inhabit the "vulnerable precincts of Rockford, Metro East, and South and West Chicago," or as Mark Kirk likes to call 'em, scary people with black skin. Ya know, the kind of predominantly African-American neighborhoods where those dark, menacing forces in the form of minorities who aren't pure snow white, "might be tempted to jigger the numbers somewhat."

Jigga what? Jigga who?

Who knew that in addition to heroically trying to prevent voter fraud (by making it more difficult to cast ballots and suppressing minority voter turnout), Mark Kirk was also such a huge Jay-Z fan??  I personally had him pegged as more of a Vanilla Ice guy, but hey, guess the man is just full of surprises, right?

Big Pimpin' Kirk. He certainly's got 99 problems, but we all know a b*tch ain't one!

Of course, Mark's fabulous plan to send a bunch of suited-up Republican lawyers to question/harass the credentials of voters on Chicago's south side is in no way racist or anything, but simply a nice, Teabagger way of ensuring elections in this country are glistening clean, spotless, and 100 percent jigger-free.

At least someone has the basketballs big enough to stand up against the terrible widespread problem of voter fraud wingnuts are always shrieking about when not ranting about how The Gays, Muslims, and Blacky NObama are destroying America, despite the so-called Justice Department's finding virtually no evidence of any organized effort to skew federal elections.

But it must be true if Fox News says it is, right? Something about ACORN (or was it squirrels?) stealing all our votes in some menacing liberal plot to take over the world, one poor, disenfranchised neighborhood at a time.

So, ummm, a word of advice to Mark Kirk: unless you want your problems to keep getting bigger, or are brushing up your skills for your next gig as the state's best ditch digger, when trying to suppress minority votes via the big, bad BLACK vote rigger, it is probably best to avoid the word jigger, or any word ending in -igger for that matter, ya figure?

Unless you want people thinking the three K's in your name, MarK KirK, are no coincidence at all, and instead start jiggering around the letters until they get to a more appropriate name for a crazy cracker, like say, Mark KirKKK.

Hehe snigger!

It's A Bird, It's A Plane, It's A Black Man Stealing My Election!

Hooray! America's Best Governor (After Sarah Palin) Can Continue Helping The People...Bankrupt Their State From The Comfort Of Home!

Charming ex-Illinois crime boss, popular reality-show contestant, and world famous hair-stylist extraordinaire Rod Blagojevich has been found guilty on only one of the 24 charges against him, the lamest possible one, making a false statement or representation to the FBI (like who hasn't?), with the (braindead?) jury deadlocked on the other 23 counts.

So, now instead of wearing striped pajamas while combing his coif, cold and alone, locked in a steel cell with padded walls (for the rest of his freakin' golden years), Rod Blagojevich faces a measly five years in in his own quaint li'l shack o' steel (oooh I smell a new reality show!), a $250,000 fine, and a retrial.

Justice has been served!

And all of Illinois (and America!) will not be left without the wonderful antics of their favoritest lego-haired celebrity criminal, who is likely planning his victory parade, complete with life-sized, $100,000 floats of his beautiful face, along with lovely wife Patti, throughout Chicago's corrupt Barack Obama/Rahm Emanuel mobster streets.

Hooray!

How the hell did this happen, you ask?

What do you think, they'd come to an actual decision and convict the guy for "fucking nothing?"

Not when they had this golden jury thing going! But for a million bucks a piece (and a guaranteed spot in Blago's next administration), they might be willing to reconsider.

Bidding starts now! Do I hear $50,000?

Only Mark Kirk Is Man Enough (And Straight Enough!) To Lie About Being A Nursery School Teacher

Pop quiz: What kind of man lies about receiving distinguished military awards, his own sexuality (straight as boomerang!), and just for sh*ts and giggles, being a nursery school teacher, way back when he was just a wee college student in New York?

Give up? Why, it's none other than (closeted) Illinois Republican Senate hopeful, Mark Kirk, who loves lying almost as much as he loves stretching the truth to make himself look better, smarter, and overall more impressive than he really is.

Okay, okay, it's one thing to pretend you won the awesome Navy Intelligence Officer of the Year award instead of some lame-o, pathetic group award thingy no one's ever heard of or cares about, out of a combination of insecurity and sheer embarrassment. This is almost in our realm of understanding.

But seriously people, who lies about being a freakin' nursery school teacher?? There doesn't seem to be any logical explanation, unless Mark Kirk just can't get enough of the thrilling high that comes with pretending he worked with infants still in their diapers?

No one really knows for sure. What we do know, however, is that Mr. Kirk was never in fact a "nursery school teacher," despite frequently referencing his time as such at Forest Home Chapel in Ithaca, New York, some 30 years ago.

Or at least according to a leader of the church where Mark claimed to have worked all those years ago, who says that Mr. Kirk had (once again) overstated his role there:

"He was never, ever considered a teacher," Sally Grubb, a member of the administrative council at Forest Home Chapel said in a telephone interview. "He was just an additional pair of hands to help a primary teaching person."

Well, that's almost a teacher, right? I mean he did once help build a Lincoln Log cabin with one or two of the whippersnappers while the teacher ran to the bathroom for two or three minutes this one Friday afternoon.

Unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be a soul left who actually remembers Mark Kirk's exceptional stint as the darned best pre-K finger painter and block builder the Empire State has ever seen, or not seen, as the case may be.

Eight longtime members of the church, including two former pastors, said that they did not recall having a male nursery school teacher in 1981, when Mr. Kirk said he had worked there.

“I don’t remember any men who worked there,” said Thomas V. Wolfe, a pastor at the church in 1981, who is now the dean of student affairs at Syracuse University. “It was a team of women. I used to go over every morning and have coffee with them.”

Robert A. Hill, who also served as pastor of the church in 1981 and now is dean of Marsh Chapel at Boston University, also said that he could not remember Mr. Kirk. He added, “You’re going back 30 years, so my memory is not perfectly clear, but most of the teachers were women.”

Hmmmm, now, that's odd! Unless of course Mark has another little skeleton just waiting to pop out of the closet at the most inopportune time possible.

Like maybe something along the lines of how Mark used to be Margaret when he "worked" at that nursery school, once upon a time ago, and thus could be the source of all this confusion!

“As a former nursery school and middle school teacher,” Kirk said as recently as a March speech to the Illinois Education Association. “I know some of what it takes to bring order to class.”

Some milk 'n cookies, a few minutes of storytime, and he's got those kiddies napping faster than you can say nighty, night!

“Congressman Kirk believes his time working in a nursery school and middle school provided valuable life experience,” Kirsten Kukowski, a spokeswoman for Mr. Kirk’s Senate campaign said in a statement Friday.

Like always say thank you and you're welcome, and when in doubt, just remember to lie, lie, lie. Works every time. Errr, almost every time. Uhh, once in a while. Errr, has yet to actually work. But if it does, you'll be the first to know, right after Marky does, cross his heart and hope to die, scout's honor. Deal?

But either way, Mark Kirk has just gone ahead and lost himself the hugely important infant vote. And no amount of Peek-A-Boo, Itsy Bitsy Spider, or Mary Had A Little Lamb is ever going to make up for this pathetic, pandering attempt to deceive those three-and-under.

A notoriously fickle bunch, that Huggies-and-Pampers crowd!

The Only Thing More "Schocking" Than Aaron's Outfit Is That He Claims To Be Straight!

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The Freakin' Awesome Corruption Trial Of Hot Rod Blagojevich, In 140 Golden Words Or Less!

It's been 18 loooong months since insane lego-haired criminal ex-governor of Illinois, Hot Rod Blagojevich, was busted for being the actual insane lego-haired criminal governor and, boy is Blago ready to get back in the ol' spotlight to finally show the good people of IL-na-na, no make that the world, how a sweet, innocent lamb like him could be so horrifyingly misconstrued and wrongly accused of doing all these sleazy, terrible things!

He's been soooo excited for his sweet federal corruption trial to finally begin that he's been tweetin' and talk showin' about it since like, forever. Or at least since unleashing Roland Burris on the poor, unsuspecting masses in one final "f**k you" to The Man.

In fact, Blago (and his swooping mane) is so stoked about the chance to clear his freakin’ golden name that Roddy can hardly contain himself, practically jumping out of his seat waiting for his big moment to shine!

So much so that Judge James Zagel not only had to ban the moron from tweeting asinine 140 character proclamations of his innocence from the court room, but “admonished him to avoid making any facial or other expressions during proceedings, which he had been doing, much to the annoyance of jurors and prosecutors," and anyone not sharing his belief that the Earth rotates not around the sun, but around a Serbian sleazebag who somehow duped Illinois voters into thinking an actual brain, not dense hot air, existed beneath that signature thick coif.

An honest mistake!

But the real question is why is Rod Blagojevich suddenly so obsessed with something other than himself? And not just any something, but a ridiculous social networking site that is basically glorified text messaging on the Internets for tweens, teenyboppers, a bright orange Jersey shore dwarf named Snooki, and of course, every esteemed member of the hip-hop Republican Party!

Perhaps Illinois' disgraced crime boss governor knows something the rest of us losers do not, like how communicating with the public via 140-character one-liners is a sure-fire way to win over the hearts and minds of the American people, and expose its obviously very flawed system of justice?

Rod Blagojevich, due back in federal court today for his corruption trial, meanwhile, has posted 11 tweets since joining the site May 31, with a characteristic how-do-you-do: "Please follow on Twitter for the latest updates. I am innocent and look forward to clearing my name."

Blagojevich's Florida-based publicist, Glenn Selig, said that [wife] Patti is tweeting from her own phone while Selig is doing the actual posting for Rod. The former governor isn't quite up to speed yet, but Selig says he's getting "more and more into technology since he got into the show."

What can I say? He's a fly-by-the-seat-of-his-pants type of guy. I mean, the dude really didn't know the first thing about running a state before becoming governor, and that wasn't too hard to figure out, now was it? All you have to do is swear a lot, try to sell anything not tied down (freakin' golden senate seats included), and loot your entire state's funds en route to enjoying a nice, long vacation where they even give you your own nice pair of striped pajamas, free of charge!

Talk about first-class service!

Another really awesome idea is to refuse to act like an adult, for even one minute, during your corruption trial on racketeering, conspiracy, wire fraud, attempted extortion, perjury and countless other criminal charges, and instead make wacky, funny faces and blurt out whatever idiot nonsense pops into your thickly-covered (possibly rat-infested) head during testimony.

It also really helps if you spend every waking moment since your arrest charming the pants off America on every radio, teevee, and/or circus side show lucky enough to score a little prime Blago time. Ya know, someone as smart and talented as Rod Blagojevich to do Elvis impersonations and really endear themselves to the public, showing the good people of the U.S. of A., the kind of stand-up guy you really are.

Why, you'll have 'em in stitches all the way to your next big gig downstate!

For like the next 20 or so years, at least!

Just enough time to plan his next Blago-riffic bestseller: Big Hair, Big Balls, Big Dreams: From The Big House To The White House, The Incredible True Life Story of America's (Second) Favorite Puffy Haired, Disgraced Governor, Hot Rod Blagojevich.

With a special forward from the original, beautifully coiffed, half-term queen herself, $arah Barracuda Palin!

Oh, you freakin' betcha!

At Least Mark Kirk Still Wins The Coveted Award For Best Republican Impersonation Of A Moderate, Straight Man!

It's been several days, (weeks even!) since the last prominent, vehemently anti-gay Republican got outed as a secret, terrible homosexual. This is highly unusual!

So, naturally the time has come to unveil the latest member of the "is-he-or-isn't-he-a-secret-gay-hypocrite-club," Illinois Republican and military award exaggerator extraordinaire, the one, the only, Mark Steven Kirk. Hooray!

It's already been one tough week for poor, ol' Mark, who just the other day found himself in the less-than-admirable position of being forced to admit he never really won that super-exclusive, awesome Navy award he was always bragging about, basing his entire campaign on as concocted proof of his military prowess, etc., rather some no-name group award thingy no one's ever heard of or cares even remotely about. But good try, Mark, you were thisclose, thisclose, my friend!

Well now, Marky Mark once again finds himself in the umm, shall we say, compromising position of being the latest token Gay Old Party hypocrite who votes against the interests/rights of gay people, while secretly preferring his sexytime be with other, equally terrible, homosexual men.

Ooooh, this could be juicy!

Apparently, Mike Rogers, the Blogactive blogger famous for his work "outing" closeted, duplicitous politicians thinks Captain Kirk over here has taken one hypocritical step too many, in the wrong direction, and it's time to set the record straight (even if our friend Mark isn't).

Of course, this isn't the first time the dapper Illinois bachelor's sexual orientation has come under public scrutiny. Rumors about the supposed extra spring in his step have circulated since the Republican primary when Mark found himself the unfortunate target of his teabagger opponent's apparent knack for sniffin' out secret gays, as only a homophobic right-wing nut job can.

But it wasn't until Kirk's recent treachery against his fellow(?) rainbow brethren, voting against repealing the military's wonderful, discriminatory Don't Ask Don't Tell policy denying the pesky gays the coveted right to die defending the very country whose freedom they themselves don't enjoy. Yay!

So gay superhero, blogger Mike Rogers, decided to do some investigative digging of his own into the (possibly) pink-tinged preferences of Illinois Republicans' Great White Hope to snag Barack Obama's old senate seat and take back America from evil, no-good, half-black DEMONcratic presidents who may or may not be Hitler or Satan. Maybe even both!

Hmmm, good luck with that! As if an upstanding, moral Republican paradigm of beautiful heterosexuality would ever put himself in as compromising a position as being an actual gay (gasp!) trying to win an election by pretending to be anything but.

C'mon, that would be standard shocking!

Rogers writes:

Within hours of the DADT repeal vote I was contacted by two people who knew Kirk from his college days. "In law school in DC everyone knew Mark was gay," the first source told me. I explained that the information was intriguing, it would not be enough to go on. He continued, "But I had sex with him a number of times."

Well, now we're onto something I thought. "Could someone verify for me that you knew Kirk and went to school with him?" I asked. "Yes" was the swift reply. "Could you recall personal details about Kirk that others may not know?" "Yes," he said.

And he did.

The next source claimed to have gone to undergraduate school with Kirk. I asked for proof that he and Kirk were in school together and once that was shared with me, I met with the source. The source introduced me to a man whom had also been friends with Kirk in college. They both shared with me their interactions with Kirk, including one sexual in nature. The source who claimed to have sex with Kirk described personal details about the House, um, er, "member." The description was the same as the first source.

And in DC, Kirk wasn't all THAT closeted. You see Mark Kirk told me he was gay...It was early 2004 when I was at a social gathering on Capitol Hill. I'm guessing there were 35-40 people present, including the guy who brought me as his guest.

While the party was no means a "gay" party, I'd guess that of the men at least 75% were overtly gay. The others present were either straight men or their women friends.

It was at that party that I met Mark Kirk. I was introduced to him by the person I came with and at the time did not realize he was a member of the House. As my friend walked away, Kirk asked me if the man who introduced us was "single or attached." When I said that he had a partner Kirk replied disappointingly, "oh, well."

At the end of that interaction I walked away and didn't think much of it at the time.

The time of course being before Mark Kirk decided to sell his fabulous, Streisand-lovin' soul to the Grand Oppressive Party of dinosaur fossils and ancient artifacts en route to bringing (hetero)sexy back to the Republican party in Illinois by painting its senate race a nice, rosy right-wing red, instead of traditional, boring "Barry" blue.

"Now, for the first time in his congressional career, Mark Kirk really had the chance to stand up and do what is right with the power of a vote," Rogers writes. "When I heard that five GOPers voted to lift the Don't Ask Don't Tell ban I instinctively though Kirk would be one of them."

Whoops!

But don't feel too bad. When I heard Mark Kirk brag about the super-exclusive, highly impressive U.S. Navy's Intelligence Officer of the Year award all these years, I also assumed that was true.

Silly me!

Wonder what his arugula-eating Democratic rival Alexi Giannoulias thinks of Kirk's mysterious sexual orientation?

"Here's someone who has said he is against the repeal of DADT, is against the repeal of DOMA, and he doesn't believe in same-sex marriage and I just believe that flies in the face of what our important issues are...it doesn't make sense to me."

Well, Mr. Giannoulias, maybe that's because you're not a desperate, closeted queerball trying to win the nomination in a party of 100% moral, Jesus-approved, God-lovin', heterosexual purity.

Next time, perhaps you'd be well-advised to do a little more of what your rival Mark Kirk's so skilled at doing: playing make believe.

Like say, a "military hero" who's as honest and open about his sexuality (straight-as-an-arrow!) as he is his esteemed "service" awards.

No, not the Navy's "Intelligence Officer of the Year" award, silly! The "Tickle-Me Eric Massa Salty Sailor" award for outstanding Seamen Service.

Unlike Rival Alexi Giannoulias, Mark Kirk Doesn't Need Family To Make Him Look Bad, He Can Do That All By Himself!

Mark Kirk, At Your Slightly Embellished Service!

Like bees and honey, needles and thread, or Glenn Beck and swastikas, politicians and lies go together like $arah Palin and stupid.

A perfect fit!

When it comes to douchebag politicians lying, misleading, or otherwise bending the truth about which trails they were hiking (like Appalachian paths to hot, extramarital sex in Buenos Aires), military service they did not complete, or distinguished honors they were never in fact awarded, the field is chock full 'o potential embellishers, fabricators, and hyperbole-lovers of all stripes and sizes, on both sides of the political aisle.

The possibilities are endless--and that's without exaggerating!

Apparently, unlike say, helping poor people not die in the street or go broke by reforming health care and Wall Street, or giving those pesky gays the right to die for the freedom they don't themselves enjoy, skewing one's military record seems to be as non-partisan and widespread as well, sleeping with a staffer during late nights at the office, or avoiding hunting trips (or any activity involving bullets & guns) with Dick Cheney.

About two weeks ago, Democratic Senate hopeful and Connecticut Attorney General Richard Blumenthal's service record became the hapless chum in the latest media feeding frenzy, after a speech emerged in which the Senate candidate said he served "in," rather than "during," the war in Vietnam. The lying, no-good rat bastard!

"At times when I have sought to honor veterans, I have not been as clear or precise as I should have been about my service in the Marine Corps Reserves,'' Blumenthal said. "I have firmly and clearly expressed regret and taken responsibility for my words...I have made mistakes and I am sorry. I truly regret offending anyone. I will always champion the cause of Connecticut's and our nation's veterans."

Almost as much as his own election campaign, no doubt. What a sweetheart!

Step aside, Richard Blumenthal, it appears you may have company! Hooray?

Not to be outdone by an evil, arugula-eating elitist DEMONcrat, Republican Rep. Mark Kirk may have done some less-than-savory exaggerating himself en route to maybe, just maybe, snagging that no-good Kenyan terrorist Barack Obama's former senate seat in always-honorable Illinois, the original dysfunctional, red-headed stepchild of indicted governors and other freakin' golden, uniquely-coiffed elected officials turned inmates.

You see, Mark Kirk, a Navy reservist elected to Congress in 2001, has made no secret about his illustrious military career, claiming on several occasions that he received the Navy's exclusive Intelligence Officer of the Year award, given to just one brave, outstanding, individual patriot a year. Excluuuuusive!

This is a very big deal (as far as these things go!), and the perfect thing to boast about to the dumb, gullible masses. Except for one tiny, little, not-at-all-important detail: he never won it.

Ummm, ooops?

Turns out the distinguished Mr. Kirk, whose entire campaign is based on this achievement, as proof of his special specious qualifications to discuss national security spending. Unless by special you of course mean pulled out of that "special" place where the sun don't shine.

The intelligence unit Kirk served in in Serbia in the 1990s (not he as an individual) won another award entirely—given not by the Navy (as he claimed), but by some private group called, the National Military Intelligence Association for outstanding service.

The award "citation in 2000 contains no mention of Kirk and instead designates the entire Intelligence Division Electronic Attack Wing," according to the Washington Post.

Hmmm, that's odd.

Rep. Mark Kirk acknowledged the error in his official biography after The Washington Post began looking into whether he had received the prestigious award, which is given by top Navy officials to a single individual annually.

Kirk wrote on his blog that "upon a recent review of my records, I found that an award listed in my official biography was misidentified" and that the award he had intended to list was given to his entire unit.

His spokesman, the wonderfully Sarah Palin-esque named Eric Elk, would say only that "we found the award was misidentified and corrected the name."

Good work, soldier!

Meanwhile, Kathleen Strand, communications director for the Giannoulias campaign, said that Kirk "is lying or embellishing his military record," making him "the worst kind of Washington politician."

You mean the only kind??

"Upon a recent review of my records, I found that an award listed in my official biography was misidentified as 'Intelligence Officer of the Year,'" Kirk explained. "In fact...I was the recipient of the Rufus Taylor Intelligence Unit of the Year award for outstanding support provided during Operation Allied Force."

The Doofus, err, Rufus Taylor Intelligence Unit of the Year award?? What the hell kind of bullsh*t is that?

I mean seriously people! That's like me saying I won the Academy Award, before admitting the distinguished honor came not from the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, but the Hogwarts Academy of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

Why, is there a difference or something?

Even more mind-blowing is how such easy, honest mistakes defy the law of averages, with the statistically impossible outcome of making the politician look better, smarter, and more spectacular than they actually are, no less than 100% of the time.

Hmmm, I guess politics is the new pseudo-science of the obvious.

Obviously in need of some serious psychiatric care.

The "Winners" In Illinois' Elections May Not Be Clear, But The Losers Sure Are!

Ay, Illinoizzzzzz how you doin'?

Eh, not so well, if you happen to be a resident, concerned citizen, recently elected politician, or just a regular Joe who simply would like to have one elected official not also be a deranged lunatic with a shady past and a rap sheet the size of Rod Blagojevich's stylish coif.

In Illinois? Hahaha, fuggedaboutit!

Let's start with Democratic Sen. candidate Alexi Giannoulias whose tight primary victory was immediately followed by his star-making debut in the National Republican Senatorial Committee's hot new attack ad and brilliant tribute to misguided stereotypes and bad reality TV, called, "Alexi Giannoulias: He'd Make Tony Soprano Proud."

With all the class of Jersey Shore, wiseguy charm of the Sopranos, and wacky, wild Italian-y family fun of My Big Fat Greek Wedding, the NRSC ad is basically a best of cultural mafia cliches rolled into a single two minute segment of bad taste, even worse Guido accent, random stereotypes and desperate innuendos based on the infallible fact that Greek Sen. hopeful Alexi Giannoulias is so sleazy and corrupt, he might as well be Italian. Bada bing!

As if this poorly (Michael Steele?) narrated war on the senses and backhand slap to intelligence isn't proof enough of the slimy ways of Alexi Giannoulias, perhaps the fact that this former treasurer of Illinois used to play basketball with public enemy number one, Barack Hussein Obama, will finally convince the public that Giannoulias doesn't represent change we can believe in, but even better, beliefs we can change.

Through savvy ads that show Americans the truth about their politicians by preying on public fears and prejudices using cheap gimmicks and flashy graphics.

Like that Republicans actually care about the well-being of anything except their own election chances and ability to lie, cheat, and dupe the dumb ass public into actually sending them to Washington to continue to fight for the little people. You know, real, hardworking Americans like Morgan Stanley, Meryl Lynch, and Charles Schwab.

Perhaps former Republican Gov. George Ryan has suggestions for a little Land o' Lincoln GOP comeback? You'll just need to mapquest directions to the Federal Correctional Institution out in Terre Haute, Indiana. No biggie!

"Underneath every issue in Illinois is corruption," Republican Sen. hopeful Mark Kirk said. "The one-party state is not working."

Never mind the five terms he served in Congress. They don't count! That's when George W. Bush was president and government was good and decent and pure. Not the unchecked, power-abusing current illegal regime led by a dissident Kenyan socialist with an unquenchable desire to make the government work for the people, not the Peoples' energy company.

Damn Socialists! With their health care reform to help Americans get insurance without dying or going broke (or both), silly jobs creation bills (haha, like anyone needs that!) and attempts to repeal decades-old discrimination against giving gays the freedom to defend the very freedom they're denied.

"It's telling," Mr. Giannoulias said of Mr. Kirk, "that while I’m talking about ideas and creating jobs in Illinois, he's focused on ridiculous political attacks. What people are looking for is someone who is talking about ideas."

Nonsense! They're looking for someone who is talking about what a crazy bastard the other guy is.

And in the land of freakin' golden things like Rod Blagojevich, that shouldn't be too difficult.

In fact, the winner of the Democrats' Lieutenant Governor primary, Scott Lee Cohen is already more than qualified for a long and fruitful career in Illinois politics, with a solid assault rap for attacking his prostitute girlfriend back in 2005, slamming her head against a wall, and holding a knife to her neck. Hooray!

Since all Illinois lieutenant governors become governors after their bosses go to jail and become reality TV celebs, it's only a matter of time until Mr. Scott Lee Cohen gets to choke all of us in an uncontrollable fit of rage and violence.

But, unlike the normal prostitute-client relationship, here in Illinois, the prostitutes (taxpayers) pay the pimps (politicians) for their services.

Abe would be so proud!

Rod Blagojevich Unleashes The Page-Turning Truth On America!

OMG, this is the moment all of America--no, make that all of the world--has been waiting for! The truth about about what really happened to Illinois' most stylish lego-haired crime boss governor: straight from the source himself. So you know it's all true!

The new, "tell-all" (if the insane rantings of one deranged man qualifies as tell-all) is called The Governor and is going to blow the lid off the conspiracy against that innocent lamb Rod Blagojevich once and for all.

Among the juicy tidbits to look forward to is our faithful hero Blago comparing himself to the Godfather and O.J. Simpson while explaining how he's been victimized by rivals and "unethical" prosecutors.

Of course, when it comes to that "f**kin' golden" senate seat he is (falsely!) accused of trying to sell, Blagojevich calls his efforts "routine," writing, "I was merely engaged in the ordinary and routine politicking that frequently accompanies a significant appointment by the governor."

To be honest, his only thought in selecting a new senator was, "How much do I love the people of Illinois?"

"Had I appointed myself to the United States Senate or even appointed my wife — which again, I could have legally done — our lives would in all probability be a lot different than they are today," he writes. "A lot of people advised and encouraged me to appoint myself senator. Deep down, it didn’t feel right to me."

Swell guy.

But what did feel right was appointing someone with an ego as big as his own, whose unearned sense of entitlement ensured he would accept the appointment (no questions asked) and refuse to back down for any reason, be it logic, good sense, or the rule of law.

Blagojevich also uses his Pulitzer-worthy book to blast U.S. Atty. Patrick J. Fitzgerald for smearing his good name and telling reporters that the governor had been arrested to stop a "crime spree."

"Mr. Fitzgerald didn't stop a crime spree," Blagojevich explains. "He stopped me from doing a lot of good for a lot of people."

Damn you, Fitzgerald! Damn you to hell! What were you thinking stopping Gandhi Blagojevich from fulfilling his life's work helping to save the world? Now we'll have to wait until Rod finishes his lengthy prison term to apologize on behalf of America for getting everything all wrong about the world's most misunderstood Elvis impersonator.

Can you find it in your heart to forgive us, Il Padrino?

Hot Rod Blagojevich's (Pre) Jailhouse Rock Performance

Forgotten hairball Rod Blagojevich really wanted to go to the Costa Rican jungle to eat bugs with his lovely wife Patti on the hit short-lived reality show "I'm a Celebrity ... Get me Out of Here!" but some stupid federal judge wouldn't let him just because he tried to sell a friggin' golden senate seat to make a little dough while serving the fine people of Illinois. So what, who cares?

Well, multi-talented Mr. Blagojevich knows how to do a few things other than shaking down Children's Hospitals and styling hair. He knows what the people want and he's not afraid to give it to them. And what they want is more Rod Blagojevich!

So before shamefully heading to the dustbins of political history as the Lego-haired embarrassment he is, Hot Rod Blagojevich gave the world the final star-making performance it'd been waiting for. A true Blago original, this time in honor of his coif-sharing idol: the one, the only, Sir Elvis Presley (Al Capone was close though).

Hell, he loves performing so much he'd do it even if he wasn't paid. Which he was. But he might give some of the money to a charity for cancer patients. Maybe. If they're really lucky he just might throw in those luscious brown locks. Free of charge.

Lack Of Funds, Credibility Dooms Sen. Roland Burris' Re-Election Hopes

Barack Obama's legendary replacement, Sen. Roland "No Taint" Burris, will NOT be running for re-election in 2010, keeping his streak of never being legitimately elected to the U.S. Senate alive and well. Go Roland!

Although Burris has yet to announce his decision publicly, one can only assume it may have something to do with the fact that he was appointed by Illinois' lego-haired crime boss, former Gov. "Hot" Rod Blagojevich as a final "F you" before ditching the pinstriped suit and governor's mansion for striped pajamas and steel bars.

Or the fact that everyone in the state pretty much thinks he's a slime ball like his friend Blago, have repeatedly called for his resignation, and wouldn't elect him to run a marathon let alone a senate seat, had he not been shoved down their throats by a soon-to-be forgotten hairball with a funny name.

Poor Roland tried his hardest, but alas his inability to raise campaign funds proved to be more than even a pint-sized hurricane like Burris could handle. But on the bright side, at least he earned another notch on his personal tribute to himself, The Roland Burris Tombstone of political heroes and Illinois legends.

He's the one next to Abraham Lincoln.

Illinois' Two-Front War Against Slimy Politicians, Sucky Quarterbacks

The state of Illinois is working hard to clean up its reputation as a teeming cesspool of corrupt politicians and dumpy quarterbacks with one-syllable names starting with the letter R.

On the same day that insane, Lego-haired former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich was handed a 19-count indictment on charges he engaged in a "wide-ranging scheme to deprive the people of Illinois of honest government," the Chicago Bears announced their acquisition of Broncos quarterback Jay Cutler amid charges they engaged in a wide-ranging scheme to deprive the people of Illinois of a winning football team.

Unfortunately, Mr. Hot Rod Blagojevich was not in town to hear the news of either the Bears' blockbuster trade or his imminent incarceration for all the bleeping golden things he did while running the governor's office like some cheap Al Capone knockoff with Helen Keller as a hair stylist.

He is with his lovely wife Patti and two daughters on a much-needed vacation to Walt Disney World. Sure, the kids love it. But for some reason, Rod's always felt right at home in the Magic Kingdom. There's just something about Mickey and Minny that he can really relate to.

Hey, Who You Callin' A Rat?

Gambling Gov. Blago Keeps High Stakes Rolan'

America's notorious poster boy for all that's wrong in hair and politics, IL Governor "Hot" Rod Blagojevich crawled out from his resident sewer to embarrass himself and all of democracy once again.

On Tuesday, Blago humored the world by calling a press conference to announce his appointment of former state attorney general Roland Burris to Barack Obama's vacated senate seat, just like the governor is "required" to do so that the lovely residents of Illinois are not deprived of full representation in the U.S. Senate.

Even though Blago knows his only crime is loving Illinois too much, the ever-humble, federally-indicted governor still begged the public not to allow the allegations against him to "taint this good and honest man.”

Oh, and what the heck? He'll even give it to him free of charge!

Bye, Bye Blago! IL Gov. Arrested For Being Even Slimier Than We Thought

The Esteemed Gov. Rod Blagojevich Of Illinois

Well, Blago. It was really only a matter of time until you got caught. Everyone knew you were a corrupt, slimy politician--and a terrible governor. What we didn't know was exactly how scummy you were. Now we do.

And now we can hate you not just for your douchebag hair style or your weird love of Elvis Presley, or cause your name is Rod, but because you've literally tried every trickster politician move in the book, only to finally get caught trying to auction off Obama's vacant senate seat to the highest bidder.

So, congratulations, Mr. Rod Blagojevich, you've officially joined the esteemed ranks of corrupt Chicago politicians willing to sell their soul (even their beloved Cubs!) to anyone, so long as the price is right and the getting is good.

We're so proud we can add a Democrat to the list of former Illinois governors rotting in jail due to a combination of incredible hubris and stupidity. Please do say hi to George Ryan for us, and be sure to listen to his advice.

Ryan may be a Republican, but I am sure he has some nice tips on everything from how to keep your spirits up to the best way to sneak hair gel past the prison guards.

What, you thought Blago's fluffy, is-that-a-toupee look was au natural? Ha ha silly people!

When are you gonna learn? Nothing about the man is real.