Ignorance Is Freedom! New Poll Proves Fox News Viewers Are The Dumbest, Most Uninformed People In The World, Right After Fox News' Hosts

But why do the poll numbers add up to 120%, mommy? Because junior, everyone knows 100% is for pussies, math geeks, and lame-o Democrats. Not for hot, sexy Fox News, the undisputed leader in feigned 9/11 outrage, shamelessly bad graphics, mentally unstable news anchors, and baseless lies and mistruths, proudly poisoning America since 1996!

And now science has finally proven what the whole world already long suspected: People who get their "news" from Fox are the absolute dumbest, most mindblowingly idiotic, misinformed bunch of misanthrope misfits to ever grace the face of God's once green Earth. These morons have literally zero clue what's going on with umm, well, basically anything.

It's true!

A new University of Maryland study, "Misinformation and the 2010 Election," judging how likely consumers of various news outlets and publications were to believe misinformation on a wide range of political issues revealed some startling, or not so startling, results depending on whether you've spent the last six months holed up underground in one of Glenn Beck's emergency post-apocalyptic fallout shelters and bartering with armed, marauding nomads using his one-of-a-kind fake gold coins or not.

While consumers of virtually every news outlet believed some information disseminated during the 2010 election was false (90% of respondents overall), the study found that Fox News viewers, regardless of political affiliation, were "significantly more likely" to erroneously believe that:

• Most economists estimate the stimulus caused job losses (12 points more likely)
• Most economists have estimated the health care law will worsen the deficit (31 points)
• The economy is getting worse (26 points)
• Most scientists do not agree that climate change is occurring (30 points)
• The stimulus legislation did not include any tax cuts (14 points)
• Their own income taxes have gone up (14 points)
• The auto bailout only occurred under Obama (13 points)
• When TARP came up for a vote most Republicans opposed it (12 points)
• And that it is not clear that Obama was born in the United States (31 points)

So, whether it's wrongly believing that Republicans voted against TARP, a big business government program created by the Republican administration of REPUBLICAN George W. Bush, or being unable to comprehend the simple fact (and yes, it is a fact) that global temperatures are rising at an alarming rate (because it still snows in winter), the Fox News viewer is a particularly dangerous animal. Because, unlike say your average CNN or MSNBC viewer, the Fox News watcher cannot, will not, be swayed in their retarded, ass backwards beliefs that NObama is a no-good, Secret Muslim Terrorist Socialist from the Soviet Union of Kenya, no matter how many times you shove his actual Hawaiian birth certificate in their dumb faces.

And like anyone inundated to a constant stream of racist rightwing lies, half-truths, and Papa Bear's pin head vs. patriot propaganda, the more a person is exposed to Fox News, the more they start to believe they are living in some doomsday hellscape led by Comrade Barry and his roving death squad of shovel-wielding Socialist sociopaths scheming to take out Granny and li'l baby Trigger.

Not only are they the stupidest people on earth, but they are 120% sure they are the smartest creatures to ever have sprouted from God's magic man-makin' dust and Adam's rib on the Sixth Day!

So there you have it folks. While common sense already told you that Fox News viewers have the most terrible, God-awful taste in food, fashion, hairstyles, houses/trailer homes, books, music, movies, art, artificial tear drops, architecture, and of course anchors, scientific evidence proves that Fox News viewers believe insanely ridiculous things about the stimulus, the economy, taxes, health care, the automobile industry bailout, unemployment, science, math and weather.

Naturally, actual Fox News viewers weren't bothered by the findings in the slightest because like seriously, c'mon, who the hell believes in science these days anyway?

Certainly not America's favoritest weeping Jesus and resident chalkboard & puppet scholar Glenn Lee Beck. He believes in a different kind of "profit." Ya know, the kind that usually ends in a bunch of zeroes.

Just like the Fox News audience!

But much like the eternal chicken/egg dilemma, one burning question remains unsolved:

Do they watch Fox News because they are idiots, or are they idiots because they watch Fox News?

Mirror Mirror On The Wall, Will You Help Me Grow Some Balls & Fulfill My Promise Of Equality For All?

Look you gays, err guys, the Obama administration like totally wants to abolish that terrible, shameful, discriminatory Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy, 100% for sure without a doubt. They are like totes behind you on that one!

But, here's the thing. They are very particular when it comes to actually putting this horrible joke of a policy they are always telling us how much they hate to rest, and being the fuddyduddys that they are, can and will only bring an end to this intolerance in the nicest, most polite way possible, complete with a pretty pink ribbon to really tie the whole discrimination look together.

This is just how Barack rolls!

Because the important thing here isn't of course ending the disgraceful 17-year-old unconstitutional policy unfairly targeting a group of people simply because of their weird, deviant same-sexuality, but rather how it is ended. Am I right? Who's with me?

And this is why the Obama administration, being the civilized, refined ladies and gentleman that they are will not simply let DADT be overturned the fast and ballsy, down 'n dirty way, in the courts, because that is not nice and neat and pretty, and certainly not something befitting of such distinguished, upstanding pillars of the community.

The Justice Department is asking a federal appeals court to lift a moratorium on the military’s “don’t ask, don’t tell” by the end of today, once again arguing that the injunction jeopardizes an ongoing Pentagon review of how to end the ban on openly gay and lesbian service members. [...]

In court papers, the Justice Department said Phillips’s injunction “is at odds with basic principles of judicial restraint” because it blocks the Pentagon from enforcing the gay ban across the military and not just among members of the Log Cabin Republicans, the group that filed suit challenging the constitutionality of the law.

So just to get this straight (and we don't mean the good, military kind of straight), the Log Cabin REPUBLICANS are in favor of ending Don't Ask, Don't Tell now; the Obama administration is not. Hmmm, nothing weird here, no sir-ee!

The appeal for a stay of Phillips’s injunction is meant as a stop-gap while the Justice Department prepares to appeal the judge’s September ruling that “don’t ask” is unconstitutional. The government is appealing the law despite President Obama’s stated opposition to the 17-year gay ban. Obama has urged Congress to repeal the law through legislation.

"It happens every once in awhile at the federal level when the solicitor general, on behalf of the U.S., will confess error or decline to defend a law," said ex-George W. Bush administration solicitor general Ted Olson, who has renounced his formerly evil ways and is now leading the legal challenge of California's ban on same-sex marriage.

"I don't know what is going through the [Obama] administration's thought process on ‘don't ask, don't tell,'" Olson said. "It would be appropriate for them to say ‘the law has been deemed unconstitutional, we are not going to seek further review of that.'"

Yes, yes, civil rights, eventually. Justice for all, eh, maybe at some point. Awesome smart bombs dropped by gay soldiers, sure when the time is right. That is, when the whole world is ready to embrace their inner queer, join hands, and skip to my loo around the Pentagon, led by Carl Paladino in a rainbow colored speedo, riding atop his favorite Stallion from the hot girl-on-horse-flick he's always emailing, surrounded by all his ol' Buffalo boys from the gay nightclub he owned, flanked on both sides by the two hot chicks from his other favorite girl-on-girl lesbo porn, and of course the beautifully decorated "Teabaggers For Queers" float bringing up the rear.

But until then, I'm sorry gays and lezzies, it's too bad for you! You'll have to pardon their reluctance to rudely force equality and justice on those (bigots, fearmongers, black presidents?) unwilling to do it themselves.

Why, you ask??

Well, because they're a little gay. But not gay in the fluent in Arabic, bravely fighting side-by-side with your fellow soldiers defending your nation's freedom while secretly hiding who you are kind of way. Gay in the too scared and cowardly to do what's honorable and just, but instead letting this irrational, hypocritical fear of all things hopey-changey (including their own shadow!) triumph over the moral, right and good.

Because justice delayed isn't justice denied, it's justice deferred.

And what's more dignified than that? Certainly not cool missiles patriotically exploded or machine guns fired by bilingual fags instead of bipolar felons, at least until the Pentagon and Defense Dept. finishes trying on all its different outfits to figure out which camouflaged color combo is most flattering when blown to bits in the remote parched desert wilderness of the Afghan mountains!

"The whole point of the ongoing Pentagon study is how to repeal 'don't ask, don't tell'- as if we don't know how to do it," Aaron Belkin said, director of the Palm Center, a military think tank in California. "But look what happened last week? The military suspended it last week with no training and guess what? Nothing happened."

"You don't need to teach the troops how to interact with gays anymore than you need to train them how to deal with Jews," Belkin said. "People know how to behave with one another."

Of course they do, silly! But we're talking about gays, not people!

Besides, at least with Jews, we know what to expect: a weak-kneed, sniveling coward who may not squeeze a trigger, but won't hesitate to squeeze a buck or two out of any hapless schmuck unlucky enough to cross their path.

They gays, on the other hand, could be anyone and anywhere! You just never know what you're gonna get with that "kind." Except, most likely a college degree, highly specialized skills, good hygiene, and if all goes well & the Obama administration has their way, a dishonorable discharge and immediate dismissal from duty.

As nicely and politely as possible.

Because in America, at least when we discriminate, we do it with a wink, smile, and slap on the ol' behind (but not in a gross gay way or anything!).

It's called class.

Vote Christine O'Donnell For All Your Freaky Faux Feminist, Anti-Masturbation, & Wild Witchcraft Needs!

Open Wide If You're Crazy!

Everyone knows Delaware’s time zone is approximately ten years behind New York (depending on which part of the state you call home), and with its last shining moment coming way back in 1787 as the first state to ratify the Constitution of the United States, it's been pretty much downhill after that.

So it is no surprise that Delaware's latest, greatest contribution to society, Christine O'Donnell, is an adorably attractive, scarily dumb, born again yesterday(?), Jesus-freak with a mid-90s hairdo (a la Jennifer Aniston) and enough hilariously backwards, irrational, comically insane, and mind-blowingly retarded ideas to make Joey Tribbiani and Phoebe Buffay's daily musings at Central Perk look like Einstein's lecture on the Theory of Relativity.

Because much like her own personal hero, professional huckster, Arctic drifter, and petty fame-whore, Sarah Palin, the life of Jesus Christine O'Donnell is too like that of a rotten onion, growing ever more pungent, repulsive, and tear-inducing with every shriveled layer peeled.

"Anywhere you peel back the skin of Sarah Palin’s Christine O'Donnell's life, a sad and moldering strangeness lies beneath."

Ah yes, a closer look at this new Sarah Palin-ordained Mama Grizzly spoiled vegetable, from her trademark sexy librarian glasses, cast of 1994 MTV's Real World fashion sense, laundry list of personal & professional failures, inability to formulate coherent thoughts and/or sentences, and frequent tendency to dabble in CRAZY(!), reveals Christine O'Donnell as the newest, hottest, rancid vegetable to spring from the herb 'n spiced wave of caffeinated rage, obesity, and English (Only) Breakfast, cleansing the nation and washing away America's impurities (Queers, Jews 'n Muslims?).

So grab your Gideon bible, strap on your safety belts, fasten your onion-deflective goggles, get your crimping iron, throw on your form-fitting fuchsia blazer (with the shoulder pads!), secure your chastity belt, say some hail Mary's, and get ready to ride the Christine crazy train just like the frat boys over at Fairleigh Dickinson U  used to, when she still masturbated and had fun, before she found the power of Jesus and self-esteem.

So, let's do the time warp again! Cause girls they just wanna have fun!

Like O'Donnell used to back when she was still whorin' around, touchin' herself, pretending to go to college, and Sarah was also still aimlessly drifting, pretending to play the flute in a bikini (for freedom?) as Miss Alaska, err, Miss Runner Up Alaska! And they both had that fabulous Bananarama perm that was all the rage five years earlier, thanks to the danged Delaware/Alaska trendiness time lapse. It's not their fault! Remember things just take a little longer to travel to those corners of civilization...

1. O'Donnell on AIDS.
Ugh, Jesus Christine O'Donnell may not have acquired much knowledge or intelligence while working hard in college pleasuring the entire Farleigh Dickinson swim team, but unlike those perverted drag queens and deviant homosexuals always sticking their willies where they don't belong (inside other men or the palm of their own sick, twisted hand!), her perfectly innocent, pure lifestyle didn't cause her to acquire that awful gay disease AIDS either. So let's stop calling them "victims" shall we? Oh and while we're at it, enough with throwing good government money down the gross gay drain, fighting AIDS and encouraging the use of condoms. If the sodomites didn't want to deal with the consequences of their sinful, lusty "lifestyle," perhaps they should consider being more like Christine and abstain from evil, protected sex outside of marriage and keep their idle devil hands to themselves. Errr, wait, on second thought, that might not be such a good idea after all!

2. O'Donnell on Masturbation.
I'm sure by now you have heard all about the new (self pleasure-free) adventures of old Christine, who may not know a lot of "elitist" things like say the indisputable, scientific proof of evolution (as opposed to the 'Adam's rib' theory), or even any of that hoity-toity Constitution stuff, but there is one thing Miss O'Donnell knows for sure: God does not want you to go poking 'n prodding around "down there" whenever you feel the devil tempting your loins and filling your head with evil lustful SEX thoughts. So back when you were probably rocking Right Said Fred's "I'm Too Sexy" and sinfully lusting after megahunk Kirk Cameron, while sporting neon leg warmers, a super cool swatch watch, and over-sized scrunchy in your, at least now thankfully, straight hair, Christine O'Donnell was busy swaying to Joan Osborne's "One Of Us," twirling her thick, still-permed and feathered hair, and yelling about how God reserved a special place in hell for those who touch their “sinful places” down below where magic Jesus makes the miracles come from because, "The Bible says that lust in your heart is committing adultery. You can't masturbate without lust!"

Or hands either, Christine! Don't forget about those hands!

Besides it's like Christine says, "If he already knows what pleases him and he can please himself, than why am I in the picture?"

Ummm, because as far as we can tell, his mouth can't reach that far, now can it, Christine?

3. O'Donnell on Britney Spears and Madonna.
"I think people like Britney Spears have been irresponsible," O'Donnell told Fox News shortly after the pop stars exchanged a kiss during a performance at the MTV Video Music Awards. "Well, I feel sorry for both of them. Madonna is a middle-aged woman who is trying to hold on to her youth. And Britney is super star who is trying to hold on to her popularity. That's why they're playing games and doing gimmicks."

Unlike Madame Christine, who reserves using games and gimmicks when doing unimportant, trivial things, like trying to win a Senate race by tossing out tens of thousands of two-ounce suntan lotion packets affixed with the clever slogan: "Don’t Get Burned By Higher Taxes. Vote Christine O’Donnell 2008" at various local parades, as a sure-fire way to capture the people's heart. Don't think Snooki's gonna like that too much, though, Christine!

Besides, unlike those two pop star floozies, Britt and Madonna, Christie isn't trying to hold onto anything (she didn't have much of a brain to begin with), but especially not her special private place of sin.

"And you can tell that Britney Spears is struggling with who she is. I think she has a team of agents and managers who are saying, yes, push the envelope, kiss Madonna, take off all your clothes. And she's doing that because she doesn't want to sacrifice this enormous platform that she's built. But at the same time, she is sacrificing herself and you can see that in her eyes when she talks."

No, that's just the drugs, Christine, just the drugs. It's Coke, not faux lesbian kisses, that tend to do that to a person's eyes. Jeez, Chirstine! You would think that as someone who has "dabbled in the art of witchcraft" would have some idea about sacrifices, or at the very least, be able to wiggle her nose and magically make her opponent turn into a bag of Earl Grey or whatever, before hopping on her broomstick and flying off into the night towards Washington, DC. Poof!

4. O'Donnell on Feminism.
Asked if she considered herself a feminist, O'Donnell batted her perfectly mascaraed eyes and said, "Absolutely, but let me qualify that--I consider myself an authentic feminist. Not as defined by the modern movement. And, let me clarify that a little bit more. I was an English major, so break it down: -ist means one who celebrates. As a feminist, I celebrate my femininity."

Perfect! Now be a muffin, zip those pretty red lips, put on something tight 'n cute, and go fetch me dinner, got it, sweet tits?

And while your at it take off your bra, since you're soooooo liberated, and go bounce around for me!

5. O'Donnell on Psychics.
"Psychics exploit the human beings natural desire that longs for something higher," O'Donnell said on Bill Maher's Politically Incorrect in October 2001. "The same way a pimp exploits the natural desire to be with the opposite sex...psychics put people in spiritual harm, the same way pimps put people in physical harm."

Oh, Christine! Are you confusing Miss Cleo with E=MC² again?? How many times do we have to tell you? One wears a rhinestone-studded muumuu, rainbow headdress, and operates a 1-800 pay-per-call psychic hotline, while the other one dons a white lab coat, obligatory, sophisticated mustache, and decoded how the entire Universe operates. Remember, it's physics (and science!) you have problem with, not psychics (and quack ladies dressed as Shaman Erykah Badu's reading off of Tarot cards), capisce?

6. O'Donnell on Nude Sunbathing.
"I mean, it is very difficult, I'm sure, for a man to sit there and stare at his girlfriend naked and not want to go a little bit further," Christine explained on an Aug. 23, 2000 Fox News segment, "Should Sunbathing in Buff be Banned Altogether?"

Oh silly girl! Don't think for one minute that you, a simple, sensitive, needy woman knows the first thing about what a big, strapping, capable, intelligent, strong man thinks. 

Besides, watch what you say now, Christine, lest someone doesn't mind sounding like a total lezzie on national TV!

7. O'Donnell on Obama.
"He's soooo liberal. He's anti-American," said O'Donnell. "He's beating the 'change' drum. But let's look at the change. He did not vote for English as the official language. What does that say?"

OMG!! Only that he is 100% (wait, is that like the most?), without a doubt, a secret Muslim terrorist Socialist from Kenya! That or he already has a solid command of the English language, and it doesn't even involve winkin', consonant-droppin', or making up awesome words like "refudiate," thank you very much! (Still, probably the first though!)

8. O'Donnell on the Gay Pride Parade.
"Well, I know that the one here in Los Angeles, there was S&M going on. There was mocking sodomy, mocking, you know, all kinds of crude sexual acts," O'Donnell told Fox News in 2000. "Because -- because authorities were too afraid to be called, quote, unquote, 'homophobic' because these homosexual special rights groups do get away with [anything]."

Ugh, they sure do, don't they?

Except of course the same constitutional guarantees as everyone else, the right to serve (and die!) in the U.S. military, get married, have visitation and hospital rights with their loved ones, adopt children throughout all 50 states, receive the same benefits as married heterosexual couples, not get routinely discriminated in the workplace, have their lifestyles constantly used as political footballs, become Catholic priests, and if Montana and Texas have their way, also the right to have deviant gay sex, too!

I mean what's next? The Gays will actually be allowed to be who they are?? Gross. Heaven forbid!

9. O'Donnell on Middle Earth.
"You see Tolkien's wisdom applied to just about everything: Tolkien and communism, Tolkien and industrialization," O'Donnell said, speaking of author J.R.R. Tolkien's "Lord of the Rings" series in December 2003. "In researching this topic I even found a book on Tolkien and sexual fetishes."

OMG, quick, burn it now before the Devil gets out and starts having his lustful, deviant way with you!

O'Donnell said it was "surprising, then, especially in today's very hyper-sensitive, post-Gloria Steinem world, that there's such a lack of commentary on Tolkien and women...Is it that people assume that women don't have an interest in Tolkien?" she asked.

Ummm, (Middle) Earth to Christine!  Everyone knows you don't need to be literate to whip up a good pot roast! Use your head, woman!

Naturally, über-feminist Christine dismisses the notion that Tolkien should have written more about the females in the book, saying that the books "were written from a hobbit's perspective" and that if the film changed what was in the books it would "severely take away from the film's legitimacy."

Ugh, no-good women are always delegitimizing men with their silly nurture, compassion, and sad, li'l tear-filled eyes, aren't they? It's enough to make you want to puke all over their soft, perfume-scented skin, isn't it!?

Just look what the ol' estrogen-filled weaklings did to America's once-mighty military!

“By integrating women into particularly military institutes, it cripples the readiness of our defense,” O’Donnell said, arguing that West Point “has had to lower their standards...in order for men and women to compete.”

So true! I mean just look what one of these dumb bitches did to the Senate elections in Delaware! Now instead of a good, decent, capable MAN, by the name of Mike Castle, gunning for Joe Biden's old seat, the state is left with a special needs Jesus witch who believes scientific cloning, not the cartoon network, is responsible for mice with fully functioning human brains, Joe Biden and other political opponents are "hiding in the bushes," (I should certainly hope not "her bushes!"), and hasn't gotten laid in twenty years.

Oooh, progress sure is crazy, isn't it? Even better when you throw a tight, sexy, li'l black dress on it, toss on the stiletto pumps, add some nice color to those drab, natural lips and cheeks, have it constantly talk about naughty sex and masturbation, and parade it in front of every fat, horny, drunk slob in a Jesus-Saves T-Shirt with a beer in one hand and a big, hard stick in the other.

A voting lever, you sickos!

The 43-Year-Old Virgin Is Bursting Out Of The Closet Now That He's Finished Trying To Stuff His Entire Fellow LGBT Community Back In!

 Open Wide...

Well, well now isn't this just rich. Fabulous, really!

Weird, self-loathing closet case, former Republican National Committee chair, George Bush's 2004 campaign manager, and pretty much the policy equivalent of the AIDS virus on the LGBT community, Ken Mehlman has ever so graciously decided to spare the American people the suspense and come out on his own now that he's no longer just a spry, sexually confused teenager of 43.

Of course, rumors about Ken's TOTAL GAYNESS have been swirling around since like forever, but certainly since he was outed as part of Mike Rogers' campaign to rid the political world of hypocritical homos who cynically convince fat slobs around the country to turn off the boob tube, wipe off the drool, change out of their pajamas, get off the couch and go vote Republican, to stop the evil gay scourge from spreading its perfectly manicured paws all over America's altars and homes.

But there's something particularly unforgivable about being the closeted leader of the most virulently anti-gay presidential campaign in history, which gave us four more years of queer-bashing, rights trampling, fiercely hetero cowboys appropriately named Bush and Dick, before kindly deciding to come out as an actual terrible gay himself, long after the damage was done and the lux drapes already picked out on his pricey $3.77 million NY pad, while his fellow gays and lesbians lost the right to marry in almost 40 states.

“It’s taken me 43 years to get comfortable with this part of my life,” Mehlman said. “Everybody has their own path to travel, their own journey, and for me, over the past few months, I’ve told my family, friends, former colleagues, and current colleagues, and they’ve been wonderful and supportive. The process has been something that’s made me a happier and better person. It’s something I wish I had done years ago.”

Awww, Kenny how positively sweet of you! I bet all those deviant gays and lezzies you've spent your entire political career marginalizing and dehumanizing wish you had too.

But, if you hadn't been such a self-hating cowardly queer, how would you have made a gazillion dollars fighting the gay demons in your mind, all so you could buy a swanky, exquisitely decorated (we'd assume) "bachelor" pad in Chelsea to share with your umm, dear "friend," who you would never have gross gay sex with because that is evil and wrong, and it is much better to be a real, live 43-year-old virgin than some gross fag who actually has normal sexual relations with humans.

Wanna know what else keeps Ken up at night? Other than hot, sweaty men with hefty bulges in their tight pants haunting his dreams...

Why The Gays never joined forces with the ignorant Muslim bashers in the Republican party, ya know, as sort of a deflect-hate-toward-a-different-oppressed-minority-to-help-my-own-ass-strategy:

He often wondered why gay voters never formed common cause with Republican opponents of Islamic jihad, which he called “the greatest anti-gay force in the world right now.”

OMG like totes, so true!

Why didn't the gays team up with a bunch of racist, white Muslim haters and go bomb A-rabs in faraway desert countries cause surely that would help bring the plight of the gay and lesbian community to light here in America, right? Nothing says true equality like smart-bombing some Saudis (or stabbing NY cabbies) to show them jihadists we don't take too kindly too other religions persecuting our gays when we are already quite capable of doing that all by ourselves, thank you very much.

Plus, now that Mehlman's leadership in the GOP is no more, the jihadists have a clear route right to the top of the ol' persecution ladder. C'mon, who's with me?

So, welcome to gayness, Ken!  Sure, nobody is going to have sex with your vile, principle-less ass, but don't let it bring you down, because they probably weren't having sex with you before, either.

Of course, Mehlman now acknowledges that if he hadn't been such a god damn pussy, and publicly declared his sexuality sooner, he might have played a role in keeping the party from pushing an anti-gay agenda.

Ooopsy-daisy!

Oooh, looks like someone's a serious contender for this year's courage and bravery award!

"It's a legitimate question and one I understand," Mehlman said. "I can't change the fact that I wasn't in this place personally when I was in politics, and I genuinely regret that. It was very hard, personally." He asks of those who doubt his sincerity: "If they can't offer support, at least offer understanding."

Yes, America. Please understand that I, Kenneth Brian Mehlman, am a hypocritical weasel who would sell his own son (wait, that would require doing that weird "sex" thing). Okay, would sell his own mother if it helped make him even richer or more effective in his glorious career bashing the very community he now asks forgiveness & acceptance from, disenfranchised and thoroughly separate but unequal.

"What I do regret, and think a lot about, is that one of the things I talked a lot about in politics was how I tried to expand the party into neighborhoods where the message wasn't always heard. I didn't do this in the gay community at all."

He "really wished" he had come to terms with his sexual orientation earlier, "so I could have worked against [the Federal Marriage Amendment]" and "reached out to the gay community in the way I reached out to African Americans."

Well, hopefully, not in the exact same way, but fine, whatever you say. Then, after you got that down, you could reach out to all the Jewish Klansmen, Black White Supremacists, pro-life Feminists, male prostitute-renting Family Research Council co-founders, dumb, broke-ass Teabaggers, and the rest of the creepy self-haters you seem to understand so well.

Also, he should probably be punched on live television by Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi, and maybe one of the token gays on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy or Desperate Househubbies of San Francisco or whatever the hell shows the gays watch obsessively, in groups, while squealing, especially since Mehlman is still giving money to anti-gay candidates, who hate him.

Hooray!

What someone needs to do is reach their arms around Ken's skinny little neck and b*tch slap this a-hole across the face, shouting "I don't care if you're celibate and never got laid in your life, you're still a no-good money whore who works both sides of the street, who has less integrity in your entire body than freakin' RuPaul has in his/her pinky finger, you no-good, immoral, conscience-lacking, sack of self-hating waste.

"I wish I was where I am today 20 years ago. The process of not being able to say who I am in public life was very difficult. No one else knew this except me. My family didn't know. My friends didn't know. Anyone who watched me knew I was a guy who was clearly uncomfortable with the topic."

Oh, we feel just awful for you! How terribly difficult it must have been to launch a national crusade against your own hideous kind, all while having to answer squeamish, uncomfortable questions about your own secret homosinuality, or shall I say, virginuality. Because being an actual asexual freak is certainly better than a disgusting, hell-bound fag, now isn't it?

"What I will try to do is to persuade people, when I have conversations with them, that it is consistent with our party's philosophy, whether it's the principle of individual freedom, or limited government, or encouraging adults who love each other and who want to make a lifelong commitment to each other to get married."

"I hope that we, as a party, would welcome gay and lesbian supporters. I also think there needs to be, in the gay community, robust and bipartisan support [for] marriage rights."

Which is why I have spent the better part of my adult life working against the very right of gay and lesbians to be able to do the things on which I now speak.

So, just how can Roy Cohn's torch carrier, Ken Mehlman, redeem himself for being an actual Judas, all these beautiful, closeted years?

Hmmm, let's see. He can start by saying how deeply sorry he is for being the architect of the 2004 Bush reelection campaign, how he's terribly ashamed of his role in developing strategy that resulted in George W. Bush threatening to veto ENDA or any bill containing hate crimes laws. How is he is truly sorry for helping push two divisive, discriminatory Federal Marriage Amendments (banning gross gays like him from the altar) as political leverage, and of course for developing the 72-hour strategy, using homophobic churches to become political arms of the GOP before Election Day.

Oh yeah, and he can also beg forgiveness for all those state marriage amendments banning the hideous union of homosexuals, because if there is one thing God cannot stand it is the blessed matrimony of two people with the wrong penis-to-vagina ratios.

I'm sure there's a joke somewhere in this story about how, after eight years hanging out with Dick and Bush, Ken finally figured out which one he preferred...And it rhymes with prick!

That said, based on historic patterns of Grand Old Pretenders, I can't wait for Newt Gingrich to finally admit he is indeed a secret, slimy Muslim-practicing amphibious swamp creature, and Sarah Palin finally comes clean, and lets the whole world know she is, in fact, a Kodiak Bear, who occasionally eats her young, scavenges off the fetid remains of human garbage, and whose level of intelligence hovers somewhere between that of an average canine and a primate. Though, in SarBear's case, 'average canine' is closer to a special-needs mutt.

Let's call him Ken!

Only Mark Kirk Is Man Enough (And Straight Enough!) To Lie About Being A Nursery School Teacher

Pop quiz: What kind of man lies about receiving distinguished military awards, his own sexuality (straight as boomerang!), and just for sh*ts and giggles, being a nursery school teacher, way back when he was just a wee college student in New York?

Give up? Why, it's none other than (closeted) Illinois Republican Senate hopeful, Mark Kirk, who loves lying almost as much as he loves stretching the truth to make himself look better, smarter, and overall more impressive than he really is.

Okay, okay, it's one thing to pretend you won the awesome Navy Intelligence Officer of the Year award instead of some lame-o, pathetic group award thingy no one's ever heard of or cares about, out of a combination of insecurity and sheer embarrassment. This is almost in our realm of understanding.

But seriously people, who lies about being a freakin' nursery school teacher?? There doesn't seem to be any logical explanation, unless Mark Kirk just can't get enough of the thrilling high that comes with pretending he worked with infants still in their diapers?

No one really knows for sure. What we do know, however, is that Mr. Kirk was never in fact a "nursery school teacher," despite frequently referencing his time as such at Forest Home Chapel in Ithaca, New York, some 30 years ago.

Or at least according to a leader of the church where Mark claimed to have worked all those years ago, who says that Mr. Kirk had (once again) overstated his role there:

"He was never, ever considered a teacher," Sally Grubb, a member of the administrative council at Forest Home Chapel said in a telephone interview. "He was just an additional pair of hands to help a primary teaching person."

Well, that's almost a teacher, right? I mean he did once help build a Lincoln Log cabin with one or two of the whippersnappers while the teacher ran to the bathroom for two or three minutes this one Friday afternoon.

Unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be a soul left who actually remembers Mark Kirk's exceptional stint as the darned best pre-K finger painter and block builder the Empire State has ever seen, or not seen, as the case may be.

Eight longtime members of the church, including two former pastors, said that they did not recall having a male nursery school teacher in 1981, when Mr. Kirk said he had worked there.

“I don’t remember any men who worked there,” said Thomas V. Wolfe, a pastor at the church in 1981, who is now the dean of student affairs at Syracuse University. “It was a team of women. I used to go over every morning and have coffee with them.”

Robert A. Hill, who also served as pastor of the church in 1981 and now is dean of Marsh Chapel at Boston University, also said that he could not remember Mr. Kirk. He added, “You’re going back 30 years, so my memory is not perfectly clear, but most of the teachers were women.”

Hmmmm, now, that's odd! Unless of course Mark has another little skeleton just waiting to pop out of the closet at the most inopportune time possible.

Like maybe something along the lines of how Mark used to be Margaret when he "worked" at that nursery school, once upon a time ago, and thus could be the source of all this confusion!

“As a former nursery school and middle school teacher,” Kirk said as recently as a March speech to the Illinois Education Association. “I know some of what it takes to bring order to class.”

Some milk 'n cookies, a few minutes of storytime, and he's got those kiddies napping faster than you can say nighty, night!

“Congressman Kirk believes his time working in a nursery school and middle school provided valuable life experience,” Kirsten Kukowski, a spokeswoman for Mr. Kirk’s Senate campaign said in a statement Friday.

Like always say thank you and you're welcome, and when in doubt, just remember to lie, lie, lie. Works every time. Errr, almost every time. Uhh, once in a while. Errr, has yet to actually work. But if it does, you'll be the first to know, right after Marky does, cross his heart and hope to die, scout's honor. Deal?

But either way, Mark Kirk has just gone ahead and lost himself the hugely important infant vote. And no amount of Peek-A-Boo, Itsy Bitsy Spider, or Mary Had A Little Lamb is ever going to make up for this pathetic, pandering attempt to deceive those three-and-under.

A notoriously fickle bunch, that Huggies-and-Pampers crowd!

When Gov. Jan Brewer Said Her Father Died "Fighting The Nazis" She Simply Confused Nazis With Mexicans, An Honest Mistake!

America's fiercest blonde-haired fighter of scary Mexicans, Aryanzona governor Jan Brewer just can't stop shrieking about all the wonderful reasons to round up the state's brown people and kill them ship 'em back to Mexicanland or wherever the hell it is these dark, menacing "things" come from.

But you know what hurts sweet Jan even more than terrible brown people milling about her whites-only state? Being called horrible, MEANY names like Satan, Marilyn Manson, or heaven's forbid, the absolute worst name in the history of insulting names, Hitler's daughter (gasp!).

Well this stings sensitive Miss Brewer more than you can possibly imagine. Deep, searing pain that rips right through her tan-but-not-Mexicanish-tan, desert fried flesh, and pierces straight into her shriveled sun-scorched, still-beating, little heart.

Why, you may wonder?

Ummm, maybe because Jan Brewer knows everything there is to know about being hunted by Nazis simply for being a Jew, Queer, Intellectual, Communist, or other putrid, non-Aryan minority of sin, and her hunting brown people couldn't be any farther from, say the Nazi policy of forced detention followed quickly by forced extermination. They're not even in the same realm, really!

She would know too, considering her father, her brave, warrior father, sacrificed everything to fight the Nazis, on their own dreadful, Jew-nourished, blood-soaked German soil. Hell, he died doing that. This takes real courage!

Almost as much courage as it took St. Jan to make up this wildly audacious lie, which in turn gave the rest of us the courage to proclaim that Jan Brewer deserves to be tied to a post outside the Holocaust Museum and left to rot, while the vultures (not the dirty Mexicans for once!) have their way with her.

Here's what Gov. Jan Brewer told the Arizona Republic: 

"The Nazi comments…they are awful," she said, her voice dropping. "Knowing that my father died fighting the Nazi regime in Germany, that I lost him when I was 11 because of that . . . and then to have them call me Hitler’s daughter. It hurts. It’s ugliness beyond anything I’ve ever experienced.”

Beyond anything she's ever experienced! Or fabricated! Or pulled out of her pasty white Neo-Nazi behind. Because her awesome, fearless father, the one who died braving evil Nazi forces in the heart of Deutschland, actually died a decade after World War II, of lung cancer, and the closest he ever came to "fighting the Nazi regime in Germany" was working in a weapons plant in Nevada during the war.

Nevada, Normandy, is there even a difference?!? All you have to do is substitute Hitler's foot-soldiers with Mexico's field workers and voila! it's Battle of the Bulge all over again!

And since we know upstanding, Republican politicians like Jan Brewer would never lie or exaggerate about how her father, Wilford Drinkwine (no joke...really, that's his name) met his heroic end fighting Nazis in Germany, the only logical conclusion is that the Nazis were actually running the naval munitions factory in Nevada, where Drinkwine worked as a civilian supervisor and "eventually died from the toxic fumes he inhaled there," a decade later in 1955...in California.

Of course! It makes perfect sense...

I almost forgot the Nazi's ultimate secret weapon against the Allies was a powerful, one-two punch of mesothelioma and black lung.

Naturally, Brewer’s press people are saying of course that’s what happened; Brewer very clearly meant that her dad worked in a weapons factory and was on disability afterward for respiratory problems he developed when she said "he died fighting the Nazis."

Just like how my father also sacrificed life and limb to defeat the greatest 20th century threat to humanity.

When he was 8 years-old in 1944, he skinned his knee pretty bad in a schoolyard incident while fighting the Nazi regime in Germany.

On a playground in Chicago's South Side.

At Least Mark Kirk Still Wins The Coveted Award For Best Republican Impersonation Of A Moderate, Straight Man!

It's been several days, (weeks even!) since the last prominent, vehemently anti-gay Republican got outed as a secret, terrible homosexual. This is highly unusual!

So, naturally the time has come to unveil the latest member of the "is-he-or-isn't-he-a-secret-gay-hypocrite-club," Illinois Republican and military award exaggerator extraordinaire, the one, the only, Mark Steven Kirk. Hooray!

It's already been one tough week for poor, ol' Mark, who just the other day found himself in the less-than-admirable position of being forced to admit he never really won that super-exclusive, awesome Navy award he was always bragging about, basing his entire campaign on as concocted proof of his military prowess, etc., rather some no-name group award thingy no one's ever heard of or cares even remotely about. But good try, Mark, you were thisclose, thisclose, my friend!

Well now, Marky Mark once again finds himself in the umm, shall we say, compromising position of being the latest token Gay Old Party hypocrite who votes against the interests/rights of gay people, while secretly preferring his sexytime be with other, equally terrible, homosexual men.

Ooooh, this could be juicy!

Apparently, Mike Rogers, the Blogactive blogger famous for his work "outing" closeted, duplicitous politicians thinks Captain Kirk over here has taken one hypocritical step too many, in the wrong direction, and it's time to set the record straight (even if our friend Mark isn't).

Of course, this isn't the first time the dapper Illinois bachelor's sexual orientation has come under public scrutiny. Rumors about the supposed extra spring in his step have circulated since the Republican primary when Mark found himself the unfortunate target of his teabagger opponent's apparent knack for sniffin' out secret gays, as only a homophobic right-wing nut job can.

But it wasn't until Kirk's recent treachery against his fellow(?) rainbow brethren, voting against repealing the military's wonderful, discriminatory Don't Ask Don't Tell policy denying the pesky gays the coveted right to die defending the very country whose freedom they themselves don't enjoy. Yay!

So gay superhero, blogger Mike Rogers, decided to do some investigative digging of his own into the (possibly) pink-tinged preferences of Illinois Republicans' Great White Hope to snag Barack Obama's old senate seat and take back America from evil, no-good, half-black DEMONcratic presidents who may or may not be Hitler or Satan. Maybe even both!

Hmmm, good luck with that! As if an upstanding, moral Republican paradigm of beautiful heterosexuality would ever put himself in as compromising a position as being an actual gay (gasp!) trying to win an election by pretending to be anything but.

C'mon, that would be standard shocking!

Rogers writes:

Within hours of the DADT repeal vote I was contacted by two people who knew Kirk from his college days. "In law school in DC everyone knew Mark was gay," the first source told me. I explained that the information was intriguing, it would not be enough to go on. He continued, "But I had sex with him a number of times."

Well, now we're onto something I thought. "Could someone verify for me that you knew Kirk and went to school with him?" I asked. "Yes" was the swift reply. "Could you recall personal details about Kirk that others may not know?" "Yes," he said.

And he did.

The next source claimed to have gone to undergraduate school with Kirk. I asked for proof that he and Kirk were in school together and once that was shared with me, I met with the source. The source introduced me to a man whom had also been friends with Kirk in college. They both shared with me their interactions with Kirk, including one sexual in nature. The source who claimed to have sex with Kirk described personal details about the House, um, er, "member." The description was the same as the first source.

And in DC, Kirk wasn't all THAT closeted. You see Mark Kirk told me he was gay...It was early 2004 when I was at a social gathering on Capitol Hill. I'm guessing there were 35-40 people present, including the guy who brought me as his guest.

While the party was no means a "gay" party, I'd guess that of the men at least 75% were overtly gay. The others present were either straight men or their women friends.

It was at that party that I met Mark Kirk. I was introduced to him by the person I came with and at the time did not realize he was a member of the House. As my friend walked away, Kirk asked me if the man who introduced us was "single or attached." When I said that he had a partner Kirk replied disappointingly, "oh, well."

At the end of that interaction I walked away and didn't think much of it at the time.

The time of course being before Mark Kirk decided to sell his fabulous, Streisand-lovin' soul to the Grand Oppressive Party of dinosaur fossils and ancient artifacts en route to bringing (hetero)sexy back to the Republican party in Illinois by painting its senate race a nice, rosy right-wing red, instead of traditional, boring "Barry" blue.

"Now, for the first time in his congressional career, Mark Kirk really had the chance to stand up and do what is right with the power of a vote," Rogers writes. "When I heard that five GOPers voted to lift the Don't Ask Don't Tell ban I instinctively though Kirk would be one of them."

Whoops!

But don't feel too bad. When I heard Mark Kirk brag about the super-exclusive, highly impressive U.S. Navy's Intelligence Officer of the Year award all these years, I also assumed that was true.

Silly me!

Wonder what his arugula-eating Democratic rival Alexi Giannoulias thinks of Kirk's mysterious sexual orientation?

"Here's someone who has said he is against the repeal of DADT, is against the repeal of DOMA, and he doesn't believe in same-sex marriage and I just believe that flies in the face of what our important issues are...it doesn't make sense to me."

Well, Mr. Giannoulias, maybe that's because you're not a desperate, closeted queerball trying to win the nomination in a party of 100% moral, Jesus-approved, God-lovin', heterosexual purity.

Next time, perhaps you'd be well-advised to do a little more of what your rival Mark Kirk's so skilled at doing: playing make believe.

Like say, a "military hero" who's as honest and open about his sexuality (straight-as-an-arrow!) as he is his esteemed "service" awards.

No, not the Navy's "Intelligence Officer of the Year" award, silly! The "Tickle-Me Eric Massa Salty Sailor" award for outstanding Seamen Service.

Unlike Rival Alexi Giannoulias, Mark Kirk Doesn't Need Family To Make Him Look Bad, He Can Do That All By Himself!

Mark Kirk, At Your Slightly Embellished Service!

Like bees and honey, needles and thread, or Glenn Beck and swastikas, politicians and lies go together like $arah Palin and stupid.

A perfect fit!

When it comes to douchebag politicians lying, misleading, or otherwise bending the truth about which trails they were hiking (like Appalachian paths to hot, extramarital sex in Buenos Aires), military service they did not complete, or distinguished honors they were never in fact awarded, the field is chock full 'o potential embellishers, fabricators, and hyperbole-lovers of all stripes and sizes, on both sides of the political aisle.

The possibilities are endless--and that's without exaggerating!

Apparently, unlike say, helping poor people not die in the street or go broke by reforming health care and Wall Street, or giving those pesky gays the right to die for the freedom they don't themselves enjoy, skewing one's military record seems to be as non-partisan and widespread as well, sleeping with a staffer during late nights at the office, or avoiding hunting trips (or any activity involving bullets & guns) with Dick Cheney.

About two weeks ago, Democratic Senate hopeful and Connecticut Attorney General Richard Blumenthal's service record became the hapless chum in the latest media feeding frenzy, after a speech emerged in which the Senate candidate said he served "in," rather than "during," the war in Vietnam. The lying, no-good rat bastard!

"At times when I have sought to honor veterans, I have not been as clear or precise as I should have been about my service in the Marine Corps Reserves,'' Blumenthal said. "I have firmly and clearly expressed regret and taken responsibility for my words...I have made mistakes and I am sorry. I truly regret offending anyone. I will always champion the cause of Connecticut's and our nation's veterans."

Almost as much as his own election campaign, no doubt. What a sweetheart!

Step aside, Richard Blumenthal, it appears you may have company! Hooray?

Not to be outdone by an evil, arugula-eating elitist DEMONcrat, Republican Rep. Mark Kirk may have done some less-than-savory exaggerating himself en route to maybe, just maybe, snagging that no-good Kenyan terrorist Barack Obama's former senate seat in always-honorable Illinois, the original dysfunctional, red-headed stepchild of indicted governors and other freakin' golden, uniquely-coiffed elected officials turned inmates.

You see, Mark Kirk, a Navy reservist elected to Congress in 2001, has made no secret about his illustrious military career, claiming on several occasions that he received the Navy's exclusive Intelligence Officer of the Year award, given to just one brave, outstanding, individual patriot a year. Excluuuuusive!

This is a very big deal (as far as these things go!), and the perfect thing to boast about to the dumb, gullible masses. Except for one tiny, little, not-at-all-important detail: he never won it.

Ummm, ooops?

Turns out the distinguished Mr. Kirk, whose entire campaign is based on this achievement, as proof of his special specious qualifications to discuss national security spending. Unless by special you of course mean pulled out of that "special" place where the sun don't shine.

The intelligence unit Kirk served in in Serbia in the 1990s (not he as an individual) won another award entirely—given not by the Navy (as he claimed), but by some private group called, the National Military Intelligence Association for outstanding service.

The award "citation in 2000 contains no mention of Kirk and instead designates the entire Intelligence Division Electronic Attack Wing," according to the Washington Post.

Hmmm, that's odd.

Rep. Mark Kirk acknowledged the error in his official biography after The Washington Post began looking into whether he had received the prestigious award, which is given by top Navy officials to a single individual annually.

Kirk wrote on his blog that "upon a recent review of my records, I found that an award listed in my official biography was misidentified" and that the award he had intended to list was given to his entire unit.

His spokesman, the wonderfully Sarah Palin-esque named Eric Elk, would say only that "we found the award was misidentified and corrected the name."

Good work, soldier!

Meanwhile, Kathleen Strand, communications director for the Giannoulias campaign, said that Kirk "is lying or embellishing his military record," making him "the worst kind of Washington politician."

You mean the only kind??

"Upon a recent review of my records, I found that an award listed in my official biography was misidentified as 'Intelligence Officer of the Year,'" Kirk explained. "In fact...I was the recipient of the Rufus Taylor Intelligence Unit of the Year award for outstanding support provided during Operation Allied Force."

The Doofus, err, Rufus Taylor Intelligence Unit of the Year award?? What the hell kind of bullsh*t is that?

I mean seriously people! That's like me saying I won the Academy Award, before admitting the distinguished honor came not from the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, but the Hogwarts Academy of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

Why, is there a difference or something?

Even more mind-blowing is how such easy, honest mistakes defy the law of averages, with the statistically impossible outcome of making the politician look better, smarter, and more spectacular than they actually are, no less than 100% of the time.

Hmmm, I guess politics is the new pseudo-science of the obvious.

Obviously in need of some serious psychiatric care.

Disgruntled Conservatives Turn Their Teabaggin' Wrath To ObamaCare

The Republicans are not happy with that ambitious Obama or his un-American plan to turn the nation's health care system into a government sanctioned holocaust of the old and unborn. In fact, they are steaming mad! So mad that they are willing to do anything, anything, to stop Comrade Barry's deviant quest to socialize medicine and ruin America, including saying whatever crazy sh*t they think will freak the public out most.

Let's call it the GOP strategy of desperation and lies. They use it from time to time, whenever they find themselves at the mercy of an uppity commander-in-chief with legislative majority and . They've tried everything: secret Muslim terrorist, Kenyan-born socialist, arugula-eating elitist, but nothing seems to stick on this guy! What is a GOPer to do to get America to hop off the Barry bandwagon?

It starts with conservative whispers about how Obama's health reform is the first step toward a totalitarian dystopia in which the government kills off the old and unfit. Next convince the wingnut base that brought us those delightful tea parties that this nightmare vision where doctors and government conspire to kill Grandma and Grandpa for fun will soon be reality, if psycho Barry gets his way.

The seeds will then be sown for revolts and uprisings at town hall meetings across the country, where unhinged protesters can disrupt constructive debate on health care reform by burning effigies and spewing hysterical nonsense against Emperor Obama's doomsday health care plan to murder the elderly and infirm.

I guess you just have to tip your hat to the Republicans for their brilliant strategy of shrieking like madmen whether anyone's listening or not. It's the next best thing to being right!

Blah, Blah Socialism!

Sex, Lies, And Videotape

America's original $400 hair cut, philandering Southern gentleman John Edwards thought he was sitting pretty after Vegas playboy Sen. John Ensign and lovestruck Latina lothario Gov. Mark Sanford recently admitted their own extramarital affairs.

Certainly this will make everyone forget all about Johnny's little sexual indiscretion while his wife battled cancer and he ran for president of America, right?

Well maybe. If, in addition to repeatedly sowing his political oats in former mistress Rielle Hunter's fertile womb and likely impregnating her in the process, he didn't also decide to be DC's answer to Paris Hilton and videotape one of their hot sex romps for all the world to see.

That is, according to former Edwards aide Andrew Young in his new book proposal ($) with St. Martin's Press, which offers a decidedly different approach than wifey Elizabeth's scorned-but-forgiving media tour across America.

Like how Young's belief in Edwards "ran so deep that he agreed to take the fall for the candidate" even pretending to be the baby daddy and inviting the mysteriously pregnant Miss Hunter to live with him, his wife, Cheri, and their three children. He even agreed to be resettled with his family all the way to California where Rielle and her bastard child could live in comfortable anonymity, away from the prying eyes of Elizabeth, the media, and other unsavory types trying to catch Johnny in a, shall we say, compromising position.

It was while unpacking in his new home in sunny California that Young discovered the said videotape featuring John Edwards and Rielle Hunter, who had been hired by the Edwards campaign to record the candidate’s movements, engaging in some positions not exactly on his official platform.

Young also said that Rielle confided to him that she and Edwards talked about getting married should the candidate’s cancer-stricken wife, Elizabeth god-forbid pass away, even discussing what music they’d play at their wedding. How adorable!

But that's not it. Young's "impossible to put down" proposal also claims that Sen. Edwards frequently clashed with boring, long-faced running mate John Kerry during their doomed, arugula eating 2004 race, and that John Edwards told him that Barack Obama promised to make him attorney general if he didn’t pick him as his 2008 running mate.

Instead, Elizabeth got John and we got Joe Biden. Everyone wins!

Don't Cry For Me Argentina

Another day, another Republican politician caught with his pants down (gasp!). What is the Grand Old Party of traditional family values to do?

When we first heard the terrible news that South Carolina governor Mark Sanford was missing, we like the rest of the nation, were praying for his safe return from wherever he was. Off writing alone on the Appalachian Trail or something...

But turns out he wasn't simultaneously writing and hiking at all, unless of course you, like his office staff, consider sleeping with a sexy Argentinian babe who isn't his wife roughing it in the wilderness.

So after going AWOL for seven days and giving South Carolina its second heart attack since that secret Muslim terrorist was elected President, Gov. Mark Sanford finally admitted that those "projects" he'd been so diligently working on was really a beautiful Argentinian woman named Maria.

My apologies to Kitty and Monica. Guess we were waaaaay off...

"I've developed a relationship with what started as a dear, dear friend from Argentina. It began very innocently as many of these things do. A couple of e-mails back and forth...But recently over this last year it developed into something much more than that."

You know how those crazy Internets work! One minute you're emailing a friend, the next thing you know you're going incognito to have an illicit sex romp with your Latina mistress 4,797 miles across the Atlantic.

“What I did was wrong, period,” he said. “I spent the last five days crying in Argentina.”

Oh we bet you did, Governor! Until not a drop of fluid remained.