Christine O'Donnell Is Full Of Ideas, Like Why America Needs More Masturbation-Hating, Meatball-Loving Witches In Their Congress!

Delaware's most cherished expert on witchcraft, scientifically engineered human mice geniuses, and fearless crusader for masturbation-free puritans across America, Christine O'Donnell, may be too good to touch her own sinful private place between her legs, but she is certainly not above pretending to have received various degrees from hoity toity accredited institutions like Oxford and Yale, instead of her real, framed GED from the First Internet Clown School of America, currently adorning her office wall.

O’Donnell’s LinkedIn bio page lists “University of Oxford” as one of the schools she attended, claiming she studied “Post Modernism in the New Millennium.” But it turns out that was just a course conducted by an institution known as the Phoenix Institute, which merely rented space at Oxford. 

Phew! Because if there's anything Congress doesn't need it is another intelligent, liberal elitist who doesn't even need to pretend their college degree came from a real, elitist university instead of a blood vow from the Grand High Witch at some abandoned satanic altar on the outskirts of Wilmington.

Thank heavens, America finally has a real Teabagging patriot (of MTV & the free market), free from the terrible burden of having actual knowledge about anything, but especially the evil, liberal lies that come with one of 'em real Ivy League educations, to restore moral values and sanity back to the big, bad gubmint. Like the preposterous notion that humans came from disgusting apes in Africa, when any bleepin' fool could tell ya God sprang mortals straight from the holy, life-creating tip of Adam's miraculous rib. Duh!

But earning a PhD in both the evils of masturbation and “Post Modernism in the New Millennium” (sounds sexy, even if it doesn't actually mean anything!) aren't the only things Miss Christine O'Donnell brings to the congressional table. No sir-ee!

She also happens to be a renowned religious scholar who has "dabbled" in all the world's great religions, such as Witchcraft and that weird, Western interpretation of Hinduism, where you shave your head and beg for spare change while chanting & dancing at the airport, Hare Krishna or whatever. But sadly, much like her brief "Buddhism" phase, that too proved too difficult for Christine, who simply could not give up her delicious meals of dead animal flesh smothered in real, thick American gravy, even if it was for like God and enlightenment 'n stuff.

"I was dabbling into every other kind of religion before I became a Christian. I was dabbling in witchcraft, I've dabbled in Buddhism. I would have become a Hare Krishna but I didn't want to become a vegetarian. And that is honestly the reason why -- because I'm Italian, I love meatballs!"

I mean c'mon, the woman can only deny herself so much pleasure at a time! It's one thing to say no to the terrible, immoral, baby making, male genitalia kind of meatballs, but give up warm, homemade, delicious, zesty Italian herbs 'n spice rolled into a delectable beef, pork, or lamb balls of yummy, God-approved orgasm?? As if!!

After all, she didn’t kill whatever animal Grandma's meatballs comes from! So, screw you Krishna!?

Of course, some meany Democrats and elitists with functioning brains like Op-Ed columnist for the Communist rag The New York Times, Frank Rich, know O'Donnell is more than just "pure comic gold, or a bottomless trove of baldfaced lies, radical views and sheer wackiness."

Whatever her other talents, she’s more than willing to play the role of useful idiot for her party. She gives populist cover to the billionaires and corporate interests that have been steadily annexing the Tea Party movement and busily plotting to cash in their chips if the G.O.P. prevails.

Ooooh, hopefully the kind of "Useful Idiot" whose résumé has proved largely fictional, has had trouble finding a job, holding on to a home and paying her taxes, but famously renounced her former sluttiness to become the anti-masturbation, moral patrol crusader, Republican congressional candidate, and adorable, new face of the fake grassroots group run by billionaire fascist freaks known as the Tea Party.

But in Christine's defense, playing the part of a clown on a broomstick does run in her family. It's in her genes, even!

"We were a big noisy family with a lot of backyard skits and carnivals,” said O’Donnell, whose mother, Carole, called her Chrissy the Pooh and whose father, Daniel, worked a series of small television roles before scoring his signature gig — playing Bozo the Clown.

But clownery and ridding the world of masturbation, one horny, fallen teen at a time, aren't the only things that course through Christine's pure white, Wiccan blood!

Sure, a lot of people say she is just another Palin-sponsored maniac, which is of course true, but what you may not know, is Christine O’Donnell is also a scholar who "enjoys intellectual pursuits, lifelong learning, and is interested in ideas," at least according to some random grad student, B. Griffin, who apparently taught Christine’s Postmodernism class at fake Oxford, and shares a name suspiciously similar to the animated dog on Family Guy.

That's right! So, the talking, cartoon canine/instructor of O'Donnell's Oxford course three-week Phoenix Institute program says Christine is "interested in ideas," in the same way that meatballs are an "idea," if not just, a great way to enjoy your favorite animal flesh in convenient, portable ball-form.

What else did this Bruce W. Griffin character write in his own Pulitzer-worthy letter of recommendation for Christine?

Christine O’Donnell would bring to the US Senate a deepened commitment to the philosophical convictions of the Founding Fathers at a time when the philosophical bankruptcy of too many leaders is mirrored in the economic bankruptcy of the federal government. She would surely add intellectual and philosophical depth to a Senate that at this point in its history badly needs both."

OMG, totes!

So rejoice America! Because, while the lame DEMONcrats are too dumb and elitist to pretend to go to some Socialist European brainwashing "university" like Oxford, not to mention, too impatient to watch mountain gorillas instantly morph into fully evolved human beings, the beautiful, brilliant, former Hare Krishna/Buddhist witch Christine O'Donnell will bravely lie to your face, while spreading Liberty and Ideas in the form of rolled, perfectly seasoned, balls of meat all over this great land, through her pristine, mint condition, never-touched vagina.

Can you say, Broomsticks/Meatballs 2012!?

Vote Christine O'Donnell For All Your Freaky Faux Feminist, Anti-Masturbation, & Wild Witchcraft Needs!

Open Wide If You're Crazy!

Everyone knows Delaware’s time zone is approximately ten years behind New York (depending on which part of the state you call home), and with its last shining moment coming way back in 1787 as the first state to ratify the Constitution of the United States, it's been pretty much downhill after that.

So it is no surprise that Delaware's latest, greatest contribution to society, Christine O'Donnell, is an adorably attractive, scarily dumb, born again yesterday(?), Jesus-freak with a mid-90s hairdo (a la Jennifer Aniston) and enough hilariously backwards, irrational, comically insane, and mind-blowingly retarded ideas to make Joey Tribbiani and Phoebe Buffay's daily musings at Central Perk look like Einstein's lecture on the Theory of Relativity.

Because much like her own personal hero, professional huckster, Arctic drifter, and petty fame-whore, Sarah Palin, the life of Jesus Christine O'Donnell is too like that of a rotten onion, growing ever more pungent, repulsive, and tear-inducing with every shriveled layer peeled.

"Anywhere you peel back the skin of Sarah Palin’s Christine O'Donnell's life, a sad and moldering strangeness lies beneath."

Ah yes, a closer look at this new Sarah Palin-ordained Mama Grizzly spoiled vegetable, from her trademark sexy librarian glasses, cast of 1994 MTV's Real World fashion sense, laundry list of personal & professional failures, inability to formulate coherent thoughts and/or sentences, and frequent tendency to dabble in CRAZY(!), reveals Christine O'Donnell as the newest, hottest, rancid vegetable to spring from the herb 'n spiced wave of caffeinated rage, obesity, and English (Only) Breakfast, cleansing the nation and washing away America's impurities (Queers, Jews 'n Muslims?).

So grab your Gideon bible, strap on your safety belts, fasten your onion-deflective goggles, get your crimping iron, throw on your form-fitting fuchsia blazer (with the shoulder pads!), secure your chastity belt, say some hail Mary's, and get ready to ride the Christine crazy train just like the frat boys over at Fairleigh Dickinson U  used to, when she still masturbated and had fun, before she found the power of Jesus and self-esteem.

So, let's do the time warp again! Cause girls they just wanna have fun!

Like O'Donnell used to back when she was still whorin' around, touchin' herself, pretending to go to college, and Sarah was also still aimlessly drifting, pretending to play the flute in a bikini (for freedom?) as Miss Alaska, err, Miss Runner Up Alaska! And they both had that fabulous Bananarama perm that was all the rage five years earlier, thanks to the danged Delaware/Alaska trendiness time lapse. It's not their fault! Remember things just take a little longer to travel to those corners of civilization...

1. O'Donnell on AIDS.
Ugh, Jesus Christine O'Donnell may not have acquired much knowledge or intelligence while working hard in college pleasuring the entire Farleigh Dickinson swim team, but unlike those perverted drag queens and deviant homosexuals always sticking their willies where they don't belong (inside other men or the palm of their own sick, twisted hand!), her perfectly innocent, pure lifestyle didn't cause her to acquire that awful gay disease AIDS either. So let's stop calling them "victims" shall we? Oh and while we're at it, enough with throwing good government money down the gross gay drain, fighting AIDS and encouraging the use of condoms. If the sodomites didn't want to deal with the consequences of their sinful, lusty "lifestyle," perhaps they should consider being more like Christine and abstain from evil, protected sex outside of marriage and keep their idle devil hands to themselves. Errr, wait, on second thought, that might not be such a good idea after all!

2. O'Donnell on Masturbation.
I'm sure by now you have heard all about the new (self pleasure-free) adventures of old Christine, who may not know a lot of "elitist" things like say the indisputable, scientific proof of evolution (as opposed to the 'Adam's rib' theory), or even any of that hoity-toity Constitution stuff, but there is one thing Miss O'Donnell knows for sure: God does not want you to go poking 'n prodding around "down there" whenever you feel the devil tempting your loins and filling your head with evil lustful SEX thoughts. So back when you were probably rocking Right Said Fred's "I'm Too Sexy" and sinfully lusting after megahunk Kirk Cameron, while sporting neon leg warmers, a super cool swatch watch, and over-sized scrunchy in your, at least now thankfully, straight hair, Christine O'Donnell was busy swaying to Joan Osborne's "One Of Us," twirling her thick, still-permed and feathered hair, and yelling about how God reserved a special place in hell for those who touch their “sinful places” down below where magic Jesus makes the miracles come from because, "The Bible says that lust in your heart is committing adultery. You can't masturbate without lust!"

Or hands either, Christine! Don't forget about those hands!

Besides it's like Christine says, "If he already knows what pleases him and he can please himself, than why am I in the picture?"

Ummm, because as far as we can tell, his mouth can't reach that far, now can it, Christine?

3. O'Donnell on Britney Spears and Madonna.
"I think people like Britney Spears have been irresponsible," O'Donnell told Fox News shortly after the pop stars exchanged a kiss during a performance at the MTV Video Music Awards. "Well, I feel sorry for both of them. Madonna is a middle-aged woman who is trying to hold on to her youth. And Britney is super star who is trying to hold on to her popularity. That's why they're playing games and doing gimmicks."

Unlike Madame Christine, who reserves using games and gimmicks when doing unimportant, trivial things, like trying to win a Senate race by tossing out tens of thousands of two-ounce suntan lotion packets affixed with the clever slogan: "Don’t Get Burned By Higher Taxes. Vote Christine O’Donnell 2008" at various local parades, as a sure-fire way to capture the people's heart. Don't think Snooki's gonna like that too much, though, Christine!

Besides, unlike those two pop star floozies, Britt and Madonna, Christie isn't trying to hold onto anything (she didn't have much of a brain to begin with), but especially not her special private place of sin.

"And you can tell that Britney Spears is struggling with who she is. I think she has a team of agents and managers who are saying, yes, push the envelope, kiss Madonna, take off all your clothes. And she's doing that because she doesn't want to sacrifice this enormous platform that she's built. But at the same time, she is sacrificing herself and you can see that in her eyes when she talks."

No, that's just the drugs, Christine, just the drugs. It's Coke, not faux lesbian kisses, that tend to do that to a person's eyes. Jeez, Chirstine! You would think that as someone who has "dabbled in the art of witchcraft" would have some idea about sacrifices, or at the very least, be able to wiggle her nose and magically make her opponent turn into a bag of Earl Grey or whatever, before hopping on her broomstick and flying off into the night towards Washington, DC. Poof!

4. O'Donnell on Feminism.
Asked if she considered herself a feminist, O'Donnell batted her perfectly mascaraed eyes and said, "Absolutely, but let me qualify that--I consider myself an authentic feminist. Not as defined by the modern movement. And, let me clarify that a little bit more. I was an English major, so break it down: -ist means one who celebrates. As a feminist, I celebrate my femininity."

Perfect! Now be a muffin, zip those pretty red lips, put on something tight 'n cute, and go fetch me dinner, got it, sweet tits?

And while your at it take off your bra, since you're soooooo liberated, and go bounce around for me!

5. O'Donnell on Psychics.
"Psychics exploit the human beings natural desire that longs for something higher," O'Donnell said on Bill Maher's Politically Incorrect in October 2001. "The same way a pimp exploits the natural desire to be with the opposite sex...psychics put people in spiritual harm, the same way pimps put people in physical harm."

Oh, Christine! Are you confusing Miss Cleo with E=MC² again?? How many times do we have to tell you? One wears a rhinestone-studded muumuu, rainbow headdress, and operates a 1-800 pay-per-call psychic hotline, while the other one dons a white lab coat, obligatory, sophisticated mustache, and decoded how the entire Universe operates. Remember, it's physics (and science!) you have problem with, not psychics (and quack ladies dressed as Shaman Erykah Badu's reading off of Tarot cards), capisce?

6. O'Donnell on Nude Sunbathing.
"I mean, it is very difficult, I'm sure, for a man to sit there and stare at his girlfriend naked and not want to go a little bit further," Christine explained on an Aug. 23, 2000 Fox News segment, "Should Sunbathing in Buff be Banned Altogether?"

Oh silly girl! Don't think for one minute that you, a simple, sensitive, needy woman knows the first thing about what a big, strapping, capable, intelligent, strong man thinks. 

Besides, watch what you say now, Christine, lest someone doesn't mind sounding like a total lezzie on national TV!

7. O'Donnell on Obama.
"He's soooo liberal. He's anti-American," said O'Donnell. "He's beating the 'change' drum. But let's look at the change. He did not vote for English as the official language. What does that say?"

OMG!! Only that he is 100% (wait, is that like the most?), without a doubt, a secret Muslim terrorist Socialist from Kenya! That or he already has a solid command of the English language, and it doesn't even involve winkin', consonant-droppin', or making up awesome words like "refudiate," thank you very much! (Still, probably the first though!)

8. O'Donnell on the Gay Pride Parade.
"Well, I know that the one here in Los Angeles, there was S&M going on. There was mocking sodomy, mocking, you know, all kinds of crude sexual acts," O'Donnell told Fox News in 2000. "Because -- because authorities were too afraid to be called, quote, unquote, 'homophobic' because these homosexual special rights groups do get away with [anything]."

Ugh, they sure do, don't they?

Except of course the same constitutional guarantees as everyone else, the right to serve (and die!) in the U.S. military, get married, have visitation and hospital rights with their loved ones, adopt children throughout all 50 states, receive the same benefits as married heterosexual couples, not get routinely discriminated in the workplace, have their lifestyles constantly used as political footballs, become Catholic priests, and if Montana and Texas have their way, also the right to have deviant gay sex, too!

I mean what's next? The Gays will actually be allowed to be who they are?? Gross. Heaven forbid!

9. O'Donnell on Middle Earth.
"You see Tolkien's wisdom applied to just about everything: Tolkien and communism, Tolkien and industrialization," O'Donnell said, speaking of author J.R.R. Tolkien's "Lord of the Rings" series in December 2003. "In researching this topic I even found a book on Tolkien and sexual fetishes."

OMG, quick, burn it now before the Devil gets out and starts having his lustful, deviant way with you!

O'Donnell said it was "surprising, then, especially in today's very hyper-sensitive, post-Gloria Steinem world, that there's such a lack of commentary on Tolkien and women...Is it that people assume that women don't have an interest in Tolkien?" she asked.

Ummm, (Middle) Earth to Christine!  Everyone knows you don't need to be literate to whip up a good pot roast! Use your head, woman!

Naturally, über-feminist Christine dismisses the notion that Tolkien should have written more about the females in the book, saying that the books "were written from a hobbit's perspective" and that if the film changed what was in the books it would "severely take away from the film's legitimacy."

Ugh, no-good women are always delegitimizing men with their silly nurture, compassion, and sad, li'l tear-filled eyes, aren't they? It's enough to make you want to puke all over their soft, perfume-scented skin, isn't it!?

Just look what the ol' estrogen-filled weaklings did to America's once-mighty military!

“By integrating women into particularly military institutes, it cripples the readiness of our defense,” O’Donnell said, arguing that West Point “has had to lower their standards...in order for men and women to compete.”

So true! I mean just look what one of these dumb bitches did to the Senate elections in Delaware! Now instead of a good, decent, capable MAN, by the name of Mike Castle, gunning for Joe Biden's old seat, the state is left with a special needs Jesus witch who believes scientific cloning, not the cartoon network, is responsible for mice with fully functioning human brains, Joe Biden and other political opponents are "hiding in the bushes," (I should certainly hope not "her bushes!"), and hasn't gotten laid in twenty years.

Oooh, progress sure is crazy, isn't it? Even better when you throw a tight, sexy, li'l black dress on it, toss on the stiletto pumps, add some nice color to those drab, natural lips and cheeks, have it constantly talk about naughty sex and masturbation, and parade it in front of every fat, horny, drunk slob in a Jesus-Saves T-Shirt with a beer in one hand and a big, hard stick in the other.

A voting lever, you sickos!