Christine O'Donnell's Lack Of Knowledge On Anything Besides Masturbation & Meatballs Raises Questions About Her Ability To Function At All, Let Alone As Delaware's Actual Senator

Much like her past experience dabbling in witchcraft, crusading against the sin of self-pleasure, and pallin' around with Ronald McDonald 'n friends, Christine O'Donnell remained true to form while debating Democratic rival, and exasperated, smart guy foil, Chris Coons in their native Delaware, talking 'bout the need to teach creationism in school so America's children can have the necessary math and science skills to get jobs in the burgeoning Jesus is Magic industry.

But then old, bald man Coons went and dropped a bomb on the Wicked Witch of the East, Christine, saying creationism does not belong in public schools because of something called the Constitution, or whatever, which much to Christine's dismay, is not the same thing as the complete pocket-sized Wiccan handbook. Oopsies!

Well, Christine would like to know exactly “where in the Constitution is the separation of church and state?” How's that for gotcha journalism!?

When Coons responded that the First Amendment bars Congress from making laws respecting the establishment of religion, O’Donnell interrupted to say, "The First Amendment does? ... So you're telling me that the separation of church and state, the phrase 'separation of church and state,' is in the First Amendment?"

Her comments, in a debate aired on radio station WDEL, generated a buzz in the audience.
“You actually audibly heard the crowd gasp,” Widener University political scientist Wesley Leckrone said after the debate, adding that it "raised questions about O’Donnell’s grasp of the Constitution."

Consider if you will, for a second, good sir, that those questions had already been both raised and answered. Perhaps we, the voters, have moved beyond the whole question-raising stage and into the actual "OMG, panic, this insane woman is really trying to be a senator" phase, no?

As if everyone was feeling just dandy about O'Donnell before this latest incident "raising" questions about Christine's capacity to do anything, except spend most of the 90s showcasing bad hairdos and pissing off various A, B, but mostly C-list celebrities on Bill Maher's Politically Incorrect show, right?

Sure beats the last time Grand High Witch Christine raised not questions, but the recently departed, at a secret Wiccan ceremony in the back of an abandoned church lot on the outskirts of Wilmington.

Not to take anything away from Democrat Chris Coons, who managed to keep his cool, avoid falling under one of Christine's enchanting spells (think it's called stupidity), and offer clear, coherent responses on a variety of different constitutional questions. Nonetheless, it does help when your opponent knows less than the wooden table you're seated around.

And, unlike that non-masturbating trainwreck, Coons can, in fact, recite much of the Constitution by memory, which can be helpful when debating things other than, say who is frighteningly less qualified, SarBear or her Meatball-gobbling wiccan protege of the Arugula-eating East, Christine "No Hands" O'Donnell.

Answer: Eenie, meenie, miney, mo...

Anyway, so back to the debate, where Democrat Chris Coons only had to recite the First Amendment to prove that indeed religious freedom is established within it. But, O'Donnell still looked skeptical! In her defense, O'Donnell hadn't even heard of the Constitution (that is what it's called, right?) until just the other day when she was googling remedies for her terrible constipation woes (just awful!) and accidentally spelled it wrong! Guess it must be destiny!

Coons said that creationism, which he considers "a religious doctrine," should not be taught in public schools due to the Constitution's First Amendment. He argued that it explicitly enumerates the separation of church and state.

"The First Amendment does?" O'Donnell asked. "Let me just clarify: You're telling me that the separation of church and state is found in the First Amendment?"
"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion," Coons responded, reciting from memory the First Amendment to the U.S. Constitution.
"That's in the First Amendment...?" O'Donnell responded.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! You’re telling me that’s in the First Amendment? The First Amendment to what? The Constitution? Of the United States of America? Does Jesus know about this?

Cause Christine always thought the darn thing began with the 2nd Amendment, and ended there too! It's all the other "crap" stuffed in between that she has trouble with. Maybe if they didn't make it so darn long, something nice 'n compact like the "Dummies Guide to Modern Witchcraft," we wouldn't be in this little pickle.

Also during the debate, O'Donnell stumbled when asked whether or not she would repeal the 14th, 16th, or 17th Amendments if elected.
"The 17th Amendment I would not repeal," she said, before asking the questioner to define the 14th and 16th amendments, adding: "I'm sorry, I didn't bring my Constitution with me."

Or her brain, for that matter. Luckily, the witch woman still has a few tricks up the ol' sleeve.

For instance, she didn't need to actually attend some hoity-toity elitist librul college like her arugula-eating opponent over here. She can simply pretend her college degree came from a real, accredited university (like Oxford or Yale?) instead of, say, her real framed diploma from the Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey Clown College currently adorning her office wall.

Blasting her opponent for having the audacity to know that evolution is science, creationism a religious doctrine, and a beautiful angel doesn't die every time you touch that sinful place between your legs, Christine said, "Talk about imposing your beliefs on the local schools. You've just proved how little you know not just about constitutional law but about the theory of evolution."

Ha ha, monkey people!

"Perhaps they didn't teach you Constitutional law at Yale Divinity School."

Aww, snap! Score one for Christine! After all, she is you.

And since she is you, you her, and all of us, no one, everyone, even the Grand High Enchantress Christine herself, knows she is sooooooo not cut out for this whole Senator thing. Whoops!

But, hey, at least she got some good practice blurting out whatever crazy, asinine thing comes to mind (she already had the stupid part down pat!), for the next awesome, new adventure of old Christine (still, no rubbing/touching allowed!), her newest gig as the beautiful, brilliant, and most of all, bewitching Fox News host (of Hooters?), freedom, and sorcery, the world (of witchcraft?) has ever known.

Vote Christine O'Donnell For All Your Freaky Faux Feminist, Anti-Masturbation, & Wild Witchcraft Needs!

Open Wide If You're Crazy!

Everyone knows Delaware’s time zone is approximately ten years behind New York (depending on which part of the state you call home), and with its last shining moment coming way back in 1787 as the first state to ratify the Constitution of the United States, it's been pretty much downhill after that.

So it is no surprise that Delaware's latest, greatest contribution to society, Christine O'Donnell, is an adorably attractive, scarily dumb, born again yesterday(?), Jesus-freak with a mid-90s hairdo (a la Jennifer Aniston) and enough hilariously backwards, irrational, comically insane, and mind-blowingly retarded ideas to make Joey Tribbiani and Phoebe Buffay's daily musings at Central Perk look like Einstein's lecture on the Theory of Relativity.

Because much like her own personal hero, professional huckster, Arctic drifter, and petty fame-whore, Sarah Palin, the life of Jesus Christine O'Donnell is too like that of a rotten onion, growing ever more pungent, repulsive, and tear-inducing with every shriveled layer peeled.

"Anywhere you peel back the skin of Sarah Palin’s Christine O'Donnell's life, a sad and moldering strangeness lies beneath."

Ah yes, a closer look at this new Sarah Palin-ordained Mama Grizzly spoiled vegetable, from her trademark sexy librarian glasses, cast of 1994 MTV's Real World fashion sense, laundry list of personal & professional failures, inability to formulate coherent thoughts and/or sentences, and frequent tendency to dabble in CRAZY(!), reveals Christine O'Donnell as the newest, hottest, rancid vegetable to spring from the herb 'n spiced wave of caffeinated rage, obesity, and English (Only) Breakfast, cleansing the nation and washing away America's impurities (Queers, Jews 'n Muslims?).

So grab your Gideon bible, strap on your safety belts, fasten your onion-deflective goggles, get your crimping iron, throw on your form-fitting fuchsia blazer (with the shoulder pads!), secure your chastity belt, say some hail Mary's, and get ready to ride the Christine crazy train just like the frat boys over at Fairleigh Dickinson U  used to, when she still masturbated and had fun, before she found the power of Jesus and self-esteem.

So, let's do the time warp again! Cause girls they just wanna have fun!

Like O'Donnell used to back when she was still whorin' around, touchin' herself, pretending to go to college, and Sarah was also still aimlessly drifting, pretending to play the flute in a bikini (for freedom?) as Miss Alaska, err, Miss Runner Up Alaska! And they both had that fabulous Bananarama perm that was all the rage five years earlier, thanks to the danged Delaware/Alaska trendiness time lapse. It's not their fault! Remember things just take a little longer to travel to those corners of civilization...

1. O'Donnell on AIDS.
Ugh, Jesus Christine O'Donnell may not have acquired much knowledge or intelligence while working hard in college pleasuring the entire Farleigh Dickinson swim team, but unlike those perverted drag queens and deviant homosexuals always sticking their willies where they don't belong (inside other men or the palm of their own sick, twisted hand!), her perfectly innocent, pure lifestyle didn't cause her to acquire that awful gay disease AIDS either. So let's stop calling them "victims" shall we? Oh and while we're at it, enough with throwing good government money down the gross gay drain, fighting AIDS and encouraging the use of condoms. If the sodomites didn't want to deal with the consequences of their sinful, lusty "lifestyle," perhaps they should consider being more like Christine and abstain from evil, protected sex outside of marriage and keep their idle devil hands to themselves. Errr, wait, on second thought, that might not be such a good idea after all!

2. O'Donnell on Masturbation.
I'm sure by now you have heard all about the new (self pleasure-free) adventures of old Christine, who may not know a lot of "elitist" things like say the indisputable, scientific proof of evolution (as opposed to the 'Adam's rib' theory), or even any of that hoity-toity Constitution stuff, but there is one thing Miss O'Donnell knows for sure: God does not want you to go poking 'n prodding around "down there" whenever you feel the devil tempting your loins and filling your head with evil lustful SEX thoughts. So back when you were probably rocking Right Said Fred's "I'm Too Sexy" and sinfully lusting after megahunk Kirk Cameron, while sporting neon leg warmers, a super cool swatch watch, and over-sized scrunchy in your, at least now thankfully, straight hair, Christine O'Donnell was busy swaying to Joan Osborne's "One Of Us," twirling her thick, still-permed and feathered hair, and yelling about how God reserved a special place in hell for those who touch their “sinful places” down below where magic Jesus makes the miracles come from because, "The Bible says that lust in your heart is committing adultery. You can't masturbate without lust!"

Or hands either, Christine! Don't forget about those hands!

Besides it's like Christine says, "If he already knows what pleases him and he can please himself, than why am I in the picture?"

Ummm, because as far as we can tell, his mouth can't reach that far, now can it, Christine?

3. O'Donnell on Britney Spears and Madonna.
"I think people like Britney Spears have been irresponsible," O'Donnell told Fox News shortly after the pop stars exchanged a kiss during a performance at the MTV Video Music Awards. "Well, I feel sorry for both of them. Madonna is a middle-aged woman who is trying to hold on to her youth. And Britney is super star who is trying to hold on to her popularity. That's why they're playing games and doing gimmicks."

Unlike Madame Christine, who reserves using games and gimmicks when doing unimportant, trivial things, like trying to win a Senate race by tossing out tens of thousands of two-ounce suntan lotion packets affixed with the clever slogan: "Don’t Get Burned By Higher Taxes. Vote Christine O’Donnell 2008" at various local parades, as a sure-fire way to capture the people's heart. Don't think Snooki's gonna like that too much, though, Christine!

Besides, unlike those two pop star floozies, Britt and Madonna, Christie isn't trying to hold onto anything (she didn't have much of a brain to begin with), but especially not her special private place of sin.

"And you can tell that Britney Spears is struggling with who she is. I think she has a team of agents and managers who are saying, yes, push the envelope, kiss Madonna, take off all your clothes. And she's doing that because she doesn't want to sacrifice this enormous platform that she's built. But at the same time, she is sacrificing herself and you can see that in her eyes when she talks."

No, that's just the drugs, Christine, just the drugs. It's Coke, not faux lesbian kisses, that tend to do that to a person's eyes. Jeez, Chirstine! You would think that as someone who has "dabbled in the art of witchcraft" would have some idea about sacrifices, or at the very least, be able to wiggle her nose and magically make her opponent turn into a bag of Earl Grey or whatever, before hopping on her broomstick and flying off into the night towards Washington, DC. Poof!

4. O'Donnell on Feminism.
Asked if she considered herself a feminist, O'Donnell batted her perfectly mascaraed eyes and said, "Absolutely, but let me qualify that--I consider myself an authentic feminist. Not as defined by the modern movement. And, let me clarify that a little bit more. I was an English major, so break it down: -ist means one who celebrates. As a feminist, I celebrate my femininity."

Perfect! Now be a muffin, zip those pretty red lips, put on something tight 'n cute, and go fetch me dinner, got it, sweet tits?

And while your at it take off your bra, since you're soooooo liberated, and go bounce around for me!

5. O'Donnell on Psychics.
"Psychics exploit the human beings natural desire that longs for something higher," O'Donnell said on Bill Maher's Politically Incorrect in October 2001. "The same way a pimp exploits the natural desire to be with the opposite sex...psychics put people in spiritual harm, the same way pimps put people in physical harm."

Oh, Christine! Are you confusing Miss Cleo with E=MC² again?? How many times do we have to tell you? One wears a rhinestone-studded muumuu, rainbow headdress, and operates a 1-800 pay-per-call psychic hotline, while the other one dons a white lab coat, obligatory, sophisticated mustache, and decoded how the entire Universe operates. Remember, it's physics (and science!) you have problem with, not psychics (and quack ladies dressed as Shaman Erykah Badu's reading off of Tarot cards), capisce?

6. O'Donnell on Nude Sunbathing.
"I mean, it is very difficult, I'm sure, for a man to sit there and stare at his girlfriend naked and not want to go a little bit further," Christine explained on an Aug. 23, 2000 Fox News segment, "Should Sunbathing in Buff be Banned Altogether?"

Oh silly girl! Don't think for one minute that you, a simple, sensitive, needy woman knows the first thing about what a big, strapping, capable, intelligent, strong man thinks. 

Besides, watch what you say now, Christine, lest someone doesn't mind sounding like a total lezzie on national TV!

7. O'Donnell on Obama.
"He's soooo liberal. He's anti-American," said O'Donnell. "He's beating the 'change' drum. But let's look at the change. He did not vote for English as the official language. What does that say?"

OMG!! Only that he is 100% (wait, is that like the most?), without a doubt, a secret Muslim terrorist Socialist from Kenya! That or he already has a solid command of the English language, and it doesn't even involve winkin', consonant-droppin', or making up awesome words like "refudiate," thank you very much! (Still, probably the first though!)

8. O'Donnell on the Gay Pride Parade.
"Well, I know that the one here in Los Angeles, there was S&M going on. There was mocking sodomy, mocking, you know, all kinds of crude sexual acts," O'Donnell told Fox News in 2000. "Because -- because authorities were too afraid to be called, quote, unquote, 'homophobic' because these homosexual special rights groups do get away with [anything]."

Ugh, they sure do, don't they?

Except of course the same constitutional guarantees as everyone else, the right to serve (and die!) in the U.S. military, get married, have visitation and hospital rights with their loved ones, adopt children throughout all 50 states, receive the same benefits as married heterosexual couples, not get routinely discriminated in the workplace, have their lifestyles constantly used as political footballs, become Catholic priests, and if Montana and Texas have their way, also the right to have deviant gay sex, too!

I mean what's next? The Gays will actually be allowed to be who they are?? Gross. Heaven forbid!

9. O'Donnell on Middle Earth.
"You see Tolkien's wisdom applied to just about everything: Tolkien and communism, Tolkien and industrialization," O'Donnell said, speaking of author J.R.R. Tolkien's "Lord of the Rings" series in December 2003. "In researching this topic I even found a book on Tolkien and sexual fetishes."

OMG, quick, burn it now before the Devil gets out and starts having his lustful, deviant way with you!

O'Donnell said it was "surprising, then, especially in today's very hyper-sensitive, post-Gloria Steinem world, that there's such a lack of commentary on Tolkien and women...Is it that people assume that women don't have an interest in Tolkien?" she asked.

Ummm, (Middle) Earth to Christine!  Everyone knows you don't need to be literate to whip up a good pot roast! Use your head, woman!

Naturally, über-feminist Christine dismisses the notion that Tolkien should have written more about the females in the book, saying that the books "were written from a hobbit's perspective" and that if the film changed what was in the books it would "severely take away from the film's legitimacy."

Ugh, no-good women are always delegitimizing men with their silly nurture, compassion, and sad, li'l tear-filled eyes, aren't they? It's enough to make you want to puke all over their soft, perfume-scented skin, isn't it!?

Just look what the ol' estrogen-filled weaklings did to America's once-mighty military!

“By integrating women into particularly military institutes, it cripples the readiness of our defense,” O’Donnell said, arguing that West Point “has had to lower their standards...in order for men and women to compete.”

So true! I mean just look what one of these dumb bitches did to the Senate elections in Delaware! Now instead of a good, decent, capable MAN, by the name of Mike Castle, gunning for Joe Biden's old seat, the state is left with a special needs Jesus witch who believes scientific cloning, not the cartoon network, is responsible for mice with fully functioning human brains, Joe Biden and other political opponents are "hiding in the bushes," (I should certainly hope not "her bushes!"), and hasn't gotten laid in twenty years.

Oooh, progress sure is crazy, isn't it? Even better when you throw a tight, sexy, li'l black dress on it, toss on the stiletto pumps, add some nice color to those drab, natural lips and cheeks, have it constantly talk about naughty sex and masturbation, and parade it in front of every fat, horny, drunk slob in a Jesus-Saves T-Shirt with a beer in one hand and a big, hard stick in the other.

A voting lever, you sickos!

Delaware's O'Donnell Disaster Doesn't Believe In Masturbation Or Climate Change, Just The Power Of The Lord, Sarah Palin, To Make Her Senator

Rep. Mike Castle (R-DE) Stands Alone

Eh, now turns out Castle's actually not standing at all anymore, thanks to Sarah Palin endorsed doomed candidate and anti-masturbation crusader Christine O' Donnell, the born again, slightly less adorable, substantially more crazy hell version of that cute Circle of Friends/Scent of a Woman actor with the same namesake minus the "tine," who defeated (Teabagged?) longtime Delaware congressman, moderate Rep. Mike Castle to claim the Republican Senate nomination, as the Party's biggest mistake since that snow bunny Sarah first sleighed her way into our hearts and unleashed a Celestial Seasonings Tsunami upon the unsuspecting nation. Hooray!

Thank you, Abstinence Jeebus!

Because now with the woman who puts the "Christ" in "Christine" and uses the power of the Lord to conquer the lustful sin of masturbation, O'Donnell in, and Mike Castle out, the Democrats are poised to snag Joe Biden’s old Senate seat, previously considered a Republican lock right from the GOP's pure, masturbation-free hands!

But that's not all! No sir-ee!

Now that the moderate, intelligent, long-serving, mentally sane Republican Mike Castle has been unceremoniously tossed out of Delaware by pitchfork wielding patriots, in favor of a perennially-losing trainwreck with nice tits, no qualifications, and a laundry list of crazy-as-a-motherf**ker moments, there is not a single Republican candidate for Senate left who believes in human-caused climate change or supports action to limit global warming pollution. Yay!

I repeat: With the sole Republican believer in global warming, Mike Castle, now officially Teabagged out of the race, there is not a single candidate left on the GOP slate (vying for one of the 37 Senate seats in 2010) who actually believes in climate change as a real, powerful threat the United States must act to combat or face disastrous global consequences.

You betcha!!

Even previously sane, former Republican climate advocates Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) and Rep. Mark Kirk (R-IL) have decided to toss their brains, along with their souls, out of the Overton Window, and join the rest of the Grand Old Pretenders who know that global warming is nothing more than an elitist conspiracy between hippie dippie liberals and the entire international scientific community to keep Real Americans from drilling baby drilling America's once-pristine, water-based coastal shores into deliciously lucrative (albeit toxic) oil & dead wildlife-filled wastelands, like God intended.

I mean, if He cared about polar bears soooooo much, maybe He should have made 'em a little less choosy, and a little more suited to assembly line work in Indonesia. Hmmm, ever think about that, ya spoiled, ungrateful Arctic brats!

But inhabitable Earth or not, Christine O' Donnell is accepting her nomination and has all the best people in America to thank: the 9/12 nuts, Teabaggers, the Tea Party Express, Birthers, Oathers, Truthers, and the rest of Real, Normal Americans who know God created the world in six days, rested on the seventh, and reserved a special place in hell for those who touch their "sinful place" down there where babies are made.

Here's a quick review of Christine O’Donnell’s fantastic nuttiness, from Reason‘s Michael C. Moynihan:

"And the intellectual case against O’Donnell is overwhelming. A précis for those who have avoided the Delaware drama: O’Donnell lied about attending a Master’s degree program at Princeton University; claimed that her political enemies are creeping in the bushes outside her house; is opposed to the sinister habit of masturbation; is a supporter of the “ex-gay” movement, despite the inconvenient revelation that her former staffer Wade Richards “returned” to homosexuality and denounced those peddling “cures” for his sexuality; filed a $6 million lawsuit against the conservative group ISI for “gender discrimination”; was denounced by her former campaign manager as a “fraud” who uses campaign donations to pay rent and utility bills; and has implied that her Republican opponent is gay. Not that there is anything wrong with that."(Except, of course, the vengeful wrath of God and eternal damnation come Judgment Day, but other than that, okie dokie!)

And that's only the tip of the iceberg, or shall I say, magic cone of frozen Jesus tears, for the lovely, chronically unemployed Sarah Palin II, Christine O' Donnell, lover of God, Country, Morality, and of course, like her mentor, "sexy librarian" glasses, local news anchor hair-helmet, and obligatory '80s style color blazer complete with shoulder pads.

She's so good, decent, and pure, she wouldn't even lie to protect Jews (wait, those are the horned ones right?) during World War II (“Anne Frank? Oh, you mean that girl that lives in the attic?”) because “deception” is immoral. Either way, it’s a moot question, O’Donnell says, because “God would provide a way to do the right thing,” save for His li'l 4-year Spring Break between the years 1941-1945, when y'all were on your own, and it was every mortal for himself, while El Savior got drunk, tan, and laid on a beach in Daytona.

And now that she’s an official Sarah Palin Teabagger clone, O’Donnell doesn’t “believe” in anything either 'cept bein' on the teevee, and wearing the official Mama Grizzly uniform, right down to the winkin' sexy 'stead of speakin' sensey!

At this point, voting GOP is like voluntarily throwing yourself, and your family, in front of a fast moving train. Then again, if people don't vote for the clinically insane Grand Ol' Frauds, Sharron Angle will be forced to use second amendment remedies, and her special ability to turn-incestuously raped-and-impregnated-teenage-girl lemons-into-refreshingly-zesty-lemon-meringue-pie to fix the situation. After all, it is God's plan, that the Republicans Teabaggers be in power.

While it's true that some Tea Party-backed Senate candidates — like Marco Rubio in Florida and Rand Paul in Kentucky — have more than a decent shot to actually win their races, sadly the same cannot be said for Ms. Jesus Christine O' Donnell.

As New York Times blogger and stats wizard Nate Silver points out:

"While Mr. Rubio has charisma (that winning wingnut smile!), and Mr. Paul has the advantage of running in a state in which President Obama (and also black people & civil rights) is very unpopular, neither of those advantages would hold for someone like Ms. O’Donnell, whose nomination would represent a clear setback for Republican chances of taking over the Senate. But few voters in either party seem in much mood for measuring their risk."

HAHA, risk, what risk? There's no risk when it's God's plan that the inmates take over the asylum!