America's First Daughter Bristol Teaches Us All Valuable Lessons About Evolution & How To Simulate Sex And Still Not Win A Dance Show

The country's, no make that the world's best Mother, Sarah Palin of the Snowy North, took a break from her grueling schedule updating very important status messages on her favoritest Facebook to give an interview to some lamestream media outlet, Zap2it, or something, to let the whole world know how proud she is of her daughter Bristol for shimmy-shaking what her mama gave her like some some cheap whore on that teevee show, Dancing With The Gays or whatever.

"We're so excited for Bristol," Sarah Palin tells Zap2it. "This is so Bristol, challenging herself, getting out of her comfort zone. She had told us just a couple of weeks before the show started, she said, 'Mom, "Dancing With The Stars" just called me and asked if I wanted to be on the show.' I said, 'What did you tell them?' 'I told them I'm not a star, and I don't dance. Sure, I'll join the show.'

Oh, hahahaha! What a coinkidink! Sort of like SarBear and the whole politics thing!

Aww, what the hell, you know Bristol, always ready to try anything once, even if it means a precious li'l miracle of God to screw up and give some weirdo name to, like say...Tripp?

"What she did, she loaded up her truck, and she drove it from Wasilla, Alaska, to Rodeo Drive [in Beverly Hills, Calif.], parked it there. She's in a little apartment there, she and Tripp [her son, born in Dec. 2008], and one of my good friends is helping her with Tripp."

Ooooh, wait let me guess! Is his name Levi Johnston/Ricky Hollywood??

"She's having a ball," says her mother. "What she said -- and it's kind of a life lesson for all of us, I think -- she said, 'Mom, no matter what I do, I'm going to get criticized, so I might as well go dance.' I'm like, 'Right on, go dance.' She's having a ball."

Sure as hell beats getting knocked up by some man-whore in the back of Daddy's pickup!

"Bristol loves [fellow competitor] Florence Henderson, and she says she relates to Florence more than anybody else."

Of course, she relates to the 76-year-old star of the Brady Bunch! They're both very wise for their ages and know exactly what it's like to grow up in a family the size of a small militia. Not to mention the wrenching pain of losing a beloved spouse/baby daddy one-night stand, respectively.

"But she has not one complaint about anybody." (Well, except for that one bitch, Audrina!) "Everything is positive, and she's just amazed how helpful and kind and gracious everybody is. It's been really good for her."

So would doing anything, even slutting herself out on the nearest street corner if it meant getting the hell out of Wasilla and away from a certain overBEARing Mama Grizz.

Bristol, who celebrated her 20th birthday by grinding, thrusting, and letting loose all her and Levi's secret sexytime moves for her 5th (and likely last!) steamy appearance on the show, was met with some decidedly mixed results, including from her own world famous grizzly bear mother.

"It's just fine," says Sarah Palin, "for never having danced at all, in her life."

But you betcha Bristy sure has banged!

Good thing, li'l sis Auntie Piper has some advice for her big sis Brist!

"As Piper was listening to Bristol explain to me," says Sarah, "how difficult the steps were -- because a lot of these dances, we had never heard the name of the dances, much less knowing the steps of them -- Piper said, 'I know how you can learn those steps -- just write them on the palm of your hand.'

"I'm like, 'That's exactly what I would do!' I told Bristol she should do that for one of the songs."

OMG totes! Then they can both be like special needs twins everyone laughs at for being so retarded resourceful as to scribble cheat sheets on the palm of their hand, in plain sight for all the world to see, en route to bein' the bestest, most freest president of America, ever!

But that's not all! Truth of the matter is Dancing with the Stars really wanted hot, hunky househubby Todd as their new, sexy Alaskan exploit but had to make do with dumb, boring ol' Bristol instead. Or something like that. Point is, Todd was totally asked to be on the show first!

Asked about that, Palin says, "I know, that's what I heard. That's what Todd has heard, too, through the rumor mill, that they called Todd. Didn't they call you, Todd?"

In the background, he answers in the affirmative. "Yeah, they called Todd. Oh ..." she pauses to listen, "they contacted the governor's mansion, the manager there, to try to get to Todd to ask him."

As she boards the flight, Palin hands the phone to her husband, who says, "It was a good thing that I declined, otherwise we wouldn't be watching Bristol today. Because, after my performance, they would ban any other Palins."

Ugh, God damn it! If only the same rules applied to our nation's democracy!

Though on the bright side, at least the American people don't have to be deprived of witnessing the nation's future First Daughter and celebrity warning against too much teenage monkey business in the tool shed sans protection, Bristol Palin, first don, then strip out of a monkey suit, and into a hot pink tutu, all the while dancin' the jive (poorly) on primetime TV, and still manage to come out looking less ridiculous than every other time she's made a public appearance. Ever.

Either way, Christine O'Donnell is just grateful someone finally demonstrated the whole evolution thing in a way she could understand: in rhythm, rhyme, and gorilla costume.

Evolution in 30 seconds. Boy, that Jesus sure can do anything!

Too Bad For Christine O'Donnell (But Good For The Rest Of Us!) The Wicked Witch Of Delaware Couldn't Cast A Spell Making Her Own Dumb, Idiot Self Disappear

Christine O'Donnell is not a witch (maybe). She's you! If you too happen to be an unstable, crazy D-list airhead who, instead of masturbating like some deviant whore, spends your ample spare time blurting out as many outrageously dumb, offensive things to piss off as many A, B & C-list celebrities as is humanly wiccanly possible on nationally televised shows like Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher that don't go poof! when you wiggle your nose

I mean seriously, who among us hasn't spent most of the 90s enraging Ben Affleck and/or Danny Bonaduce with a hairdo so hideous the only solution for distracting a person from having to look at this eyesore mop is the continuous stream of asinine bullshit coming out of their equally dumb, hideous mouth??

Exactly!

I, for one, cannot even count on both hands, the number of times I've gotten into screaming matches with Jimmy Kimmel, Sisqó or made Al Franken so vein-poppin' mad that they came thisclose to physically slapping the dumb smirk right off my stupid face!

In fact, I don't even think a person has truly lived until the very sight of their face is enough to invoke automatic gag reflexes in anyone within a 30-foot radius. Fortunately, Christine understands this. So well in fact that she's basically mastered the art of repelling every other carbon-based, oxygen breathing specimen without even so much as casting a single spell from her handy pocket-sized Wiccan handbook of incantations, given to her as a gift from Delaware's high witch of the underworld.

All Christine has to do is open that sweet mouth of hers, part those two perfectly shaded lips (like Moses!) and let the organic human repellent known as her retarded beliefs or whatever demented words that tiny little brain thinks of now, do the rest. Almost like magic!

Some of Miss O'Donnell's highlights lowlights:

• "She says that every time on this show, that condoms wouldn't protect you," says Maher. "Well no one else is saying it," says O'Donnell. "That's because no one else is nuts like you," says Maher. Point, Maher.
• "I'm going nuts with you people," an exasperated future-Senator Al Franken proclaims. And this coming from a man who isn't afraid to don a diaper and bunny ears in the name of comedy!
• "When men go into these strip joints, and testosterone is pouring out the eyeballs, what do you think they're gonna do?" asks O'Donnell. Oh, so that's where babies come from?? Silly me, I always thought it was the magic Jesus stork!
• "You have to tell me about the ex-homosexuals," author Clive Barker asked O'Donnell.
• "If she says Jews for Jesus, I'm gonna hit her," says magician Penn Jillet. Ooooh, please say Jews for Jesus, please say Jews for Jesus!
• "I'm begging you stop for one second," says Affleck. "Ten more seconds to make my point," O'Donnell says. "I'm begging you, I just want to ask you one question," Affleck says. "Yeah, get on your knees," says O'Donnell. "She says she didn't like sex, but..." says Affleck, who then had to restrain himself from smacking the witch, oops, make that the bitch, straight across the face. Here's the thing Christine, you can't both be against sex, while at the same eye-fucking every good-looking guy thisclose to spitting on your dumb face, courtesy of your idiot antics.
• "You would look amazing in a black bathing suit," comedian Steven Wright tells O'Donnell. Even better in a black cloak, pointy black hat, black f*ck-me boots, & of course, the obligatory pentagram necklace and/or vial of virgin blood.
• "Are you for anything fun?" asks Bonaduce. "Yes, I am for having fun!" says O'Donnell.

Oh hahahaha! Of course, Christine is all for having fun! But not the fun your sick, twisted, impure, non-witchcraft dabbling self is used to having, like say the kind that involves friends, alcohol, evil coitus, and any type of sinful private-part rubbing.

Or, for that matter, any other immoral, non-O'Donnell sanctioned activity that doesn't involve a bubbling black cauldron, a dozen live newts (or just one of the horrible Gingrich variety!), and/or a whole coven of anti-masturbation misfits who know the path to enlightenment is paved with sexual suppression, Jesus Christ, one part bat whiskers, two parts mummified toenails, a cup of black cat fat, two teaspoons of vampire blood, a pinch of gargoyle sweat, a handful of troll teeth, three cups broom sweepings, and a dash of Lizard gizzards.

Bleeding (liberal) heart, optional.

C'mon, Does This Look Like The Face Of A Crazy Witch To You?

Christine O'Donnell Isn't A Witch, Just Like Richard Nixon Isn't A Crook, & Larry Craig Isn't A Man-Tail Scouring, Self-Hating Homo!

America's #1 puritan, self-pleasure-free, meatball-gobbling witch Christine O'Donnell has emerged from her self-imposed exile to avoid further humiliation on national TV every time she opens her adorable, scholarly mouth, with a brand spanking new, first-ever general election ad.

And now that she's rested, rejuvenated and perfected the ditzy substitute teacher with a steamy hot secret "I just banged a student in the backseat of my Dodge Neon" look, complete with sophisticated crisp black blazer and shiny pearls, Christine O'Donnell is ready to talk about the pressing issues facing America, not the innocent, youthful indiscretions of her wet 'n wild, Wiccan-dabbling past.

And boy does Miss Christine really cast a spell on the nation with this one!

Her intro: "I'm not a witch. I'm nothing you've heard." Really? Really, Christine? Nothing?? Oh brother. And also: "I'm you." You're me?

Wait, so this is just some horrifying nightmare where we're watching ourselves morph from some dumb-as-Delaware, college sleazebag, Hare Krishna/Buddhism/Witchcraft-dabbling Creationist whore whose sudden epiphany that Jesus Christ wants her to stop touching her private parts, prompts us to start downing meatballs, denounce science & all rational thought, and run for Delaware Senate instead?

And, we're also all insane liars and chronically unemployed 41-year-old virgins whose grasp of science is limited to the belief that evil, mad geneticists are busy splicing humans and mice together in some sick, twisted liberal plot to fill the world with Chuck E. Cheese Armies?

Hmmm, she does have a point there.

But, if Christine is us, then who are we?

Oh. My. God. We're all some deranged Teabaggin' Monica Lewinsky/Sarah Palin hybrid, channeling our inner 90's slutty intern to save the world from evil masturbation, one skillful blowjob at a time??

Not a witch, huh? Fine, let's just split the difference and burn the bitch instead!

"I Did Not Have Sexual Relations With That Woman."

"I Did Not Have Satanic Rituals With That Wiccan."

"I Did Not Have Sexual Relations With My Hand."

Christine O'Donnell Is Full Of Ideas, Like Why America Needs More Masturbation-Hating, Meatball-Loving Witches In Their Congress!

Delaware's most cherished expert on witchcraft, scientifically engineered human mice geniuses, and fearless crusader for masturbation-free puritans across America, Christine O'Donnell, may be too good to touch her own sinful private place between her legs, but she is certainly not above pretending to have received various degrees from hoity toity accredited institutions like Oxford and Yale, instead of her real, framed GED from the First Internet Clown School of America, currently adorning her office wall.

O’Donnell’s LinkedIn bio page lists “University of Oxford” as one of the schools she attended, claiming she studied “Post Modernism in the New Millennium.” But it turns out that was just a course conducted by an institution known as the Phoenix Institute, which merely rented space at Oxford. 

Phew! Because if there's anything Congress doesn't need it is another intelligent, liberal elitist who doesn't even need to pretend their college degree came from a real, elitist university instead of a blood vow from the Grand High Witch at some abandoned satanic altar on the outskirts of Wilmington.

Thank heavens, America finally has a real Teabagging patriot (of MTV & the free market), free from the terrible burden of having actual knowledge about anything, but especially the evil, liberal lies that come with one of 'em real Ivy League educations, to restore moral values and sanity back to the big, bad gubmint. Like the preposterous notion that humans came from disgusting apes in Africa, when any bleepin' fool could tell ya God sprang mortals straight from the holy, life-creating tip of Adam's miraculous rib. Duh!

But earning a PhD in both the evils of masturbation and “Post Modernism in the New Millennium” (sounds sexy, even if it doesn't actually mean anything!) aren't the only things Miss Christine O'Donnell brings to the congressional table. No sir-ee!

She also happens to be a renowned religious scholar who has "dabbled" in all the world's great religions, such as Witchcraft and that weird, Western interpretation of Hinduism, where you shave your head and beg for spare change while chanting & dancing at the airport, Hare Krishna or whatever. But sadly, much like her brief "Buddhism" phase, that too proved too difficult for Christine, who simply could not give up her delicious meals of dead animal flesh smothered in real, thick American gravy, even if it was for like God and enlightenment 'n stuff.

"I was dabbling into every other kind of religion before I became a Christian. I was dabbling in witchcraft, I've dabbled in Buddhism. I would have become a Hare Krishna but I didn't want to become a vegetarian. And that is honestly the reason why -- because I'm Italian, I love meatballs!"

I mean c'mon, the woman can only deny herself so much pleasure at a time! It's one thing to say no to the terrible, immoral, baby making, male genitalia kind of meatballs, but give up warm, homemade, delicious, zesty Italian herbs 'n spice rolled into a delectable beef, pork, or lamb balls of yummy, God-approved orgasm?? As if!!

After all, she didn’t kill whatever animal Grandma's meatballs comes from! So, screw you Krishna!?

Of course, some meany Democrats and elitists with functioning brains like Op-Ed columnist for the Communist rag The New York Times, Frank Rich, know O'Donnell is more than just "pure comic gold, or a bottomless trove of baldfaced lies, radical views and sheer wackiness."

Whatever her other talents, she’s more than willing to play the role of useful idiot for her party. She gives populist cover to the billionaires and corporate interests that have been steadily annexing the Tea Party movement and busily plotting to cash in their chips if the G.O.P. prevails.

Ooooh, hopefully the kind of "Useful Idiot" whose résumé has proved largely fictional, has had trouble finding a job, holding on to a home and paying her taxes, but famously renounced her former sluttiness to become the anti-masturbation, moral patrol crusader, Republican congressional candidate, and adorable, new face of the fake grassroots group run by billionaire fascist freaks known as the Tea Party.

But in Christine's defense, playing the part of a clown on a broomstick does run in her family. It's in her genes, even!

"We were a big noisy family with a lot of backyard skits and carnivals,” said O’Donnell, whose mother, Carole, called her Chrissy the Pooh and whose father, Daniel, worked a series of small television roles before scoring his signature gig — playing Bozo the Clown.

But clownery and ridding the world of masturbation, one horny, fallen teen at a time, aren't the only things that course through Christine's pure white, Wiccan blood!

Sure, a lot of people say she is just another Palin-sponsored maniac, which is of course true, but what you may not know, is Christine O’Donnell is also a scholar who "enjoys intellectual pursuits, lifelong learning, and is interested in ideas," at least according to some random grad student, B. Griffin, who apparently taught Christine’s Postmodernism class at fake Oxford, and shares a name suspiciously similar to the animated dog on Family Guy.

That's right! So, the talking, cartoon canine/instructor of O'Donnell's Oxford course three-week Phoenix Institute program says Christine is "interested in ideas," in the same way that meatballs are an "idea," if not just, a great way to enjoy your favorite animal flesh in convenient, portable ball-form.

What else did this Bruce W. Griffin character write in his own Pulitzer-worthy letter of recommendation for Christine?

Christine O’Donnell would bring to the US Senate a deepened commitment to the philosophical convictions of the Founding Fathers at a time when the philosophical bankruptcy of too many leaders is mirrored in the economic bankruptcy of the federal government. She would surely add intellectual and philosophical depth to a Senate that at this point in its history badly needs both."

OMG, totes!

So rejoice America! Because, while the lame DEMONcrats are too dumb and elitist to pretend to go to some Socialist European brainwashing "university" like Oxford, not to mention, too impatient to watch mountain gorillas instantly morph into fully evolved human beings, the beautiful, brilliant, former Hare Krishna/Buddhist witch Christine O'Donnell will bravely lie to your face, while spreading Liberty and Ideas in the form of rolled, perfectly seasoned, balls of meat all over this great land, through her pristine, mint condition, never-touched vagina.

Can you say, Broomsticks/Meatballs 2012!?

Vote Christine O'Donnell For All Your Freaky Faux Feminist, Anti-Masturbation, & Wild Witchcraft Needs!

Open Wide If You're Crazy!

Everyone knows Delaware’s time zone is approximately ten years behind New York (depending on which part of the state you call home), and with its last shining moment coming way back in 1787 as the first state to ratify the Constitution of the United States, it's been pretty much downhill after that.

So it is no surprise that Delaware's latest, greatest contribution to society, Christine O'Donnell, is an adorably attractive, scarily dumb, born again yesterday(?), Jesus-freak with a mid-90s hairdo (a la Jennifer Aniston) and enough hilariously backwards, irrational, comically insane, and mind-blowingly retarded ideas to make Joey Tribbiani and Phoebe Buffay's daily musings at Central Perk look like Einstein's lecture on the Theory of Relativity.

Because much like her own personal hero, professional huckster, Arctic drifter, and petty fame-whore, Sarah Palin, the life of Jesus Christine O'Donnell is too like that of a rotten onion, growing ever more pungent, repulsive, and tear-inducing with every shriveled layer peeled.

"Anywhere you peel back the skin of Sarah Palin’s Christine O'Donnell's life, a sad and moldering strangeness lies beneath."

Ah yes, a closer look at this new Sarah Palin-ordained Mama Grizzly spoiled vegetable, from her trademark sexy librarian glasses, cast of 1994 MTV's Real World fashion sense, laundry list of personal & professional failures, inability to formulate coherent thoughts and/or sentences, and frequent tendency to dabble in CRAZY(!), reveals Christine O'Donnell as the newest, hottest, rancid vegetable to spring from the herb 'n spiced wave of caffeinated rage, obesity, and English (Only) Breakfast, cleansing the nation and washing away America's impurities (Queers, Jews 'n Muslims?).

So grab your Gideon bible, strap on your safety belts, fasten your onion-deflective goggles, get your crimping iron, throw on your form-fitting fuchsia blazer (with the shoulder pads!), secure your chastity belt, say some hail Mary's, and get ready to ride the Christine crazy train just like the frat boys over at Fairleigh Dickinson U  used to, when she still masturbated and had fun, before she found the power of Jesus and self-esteem.

So, let's do the time warp again! Cause girls they just wanna have fun!

Like O'Donnell used to back when she was still whorin' around, touchin' herself, pretending to go to college, and Sarah was also still aimlessly drifting, pretending to play the flute in a bikini (for freedom?) as Miss Alaska, err, Miss Runner Up Alaska! And they both had that fabulous Bananarama perm that was all the rage five years earlier, thanks to the danged Delaware/Alaska trendiness time lapse. It's not their fault! Remember things just take a little longer to travel to those corners of civilization...

1. O'Donnell on AIDS.
Ugh, Jesus Christine O'Donnell may not have acquired much knowledge or intelligence while working hard in college pleasuring the entire Farleigh Dickinson swim team, but unlike those perverted drag queens and deviant homosexuals always sticking their willies where they don't belong (inside other men or the palm of their own sick, twisted hand!), her perfectly innocent, pure lifestyle didn't cause her to acquire that awful gay disease AIDS either. So let's stop calling them "victims" shall we? Oh and while we're at it, enough with throwing good government money down the gross gay drain, fighting AIDS and encouraging the use of condoms. If the sodomites didn't want to deal with the consequences of their sinful, lusty "lifestyle," perhaps they should consider being more like Christine and abstain from evil, protected sex outside of marriage and keep their idle devil hands to themselves. Errr, wait, on second thought, that might not be such a good idea after all!

2. O'Donnell on Masturbation.
I'm sure by now you have heard all about the new (self pleasure-free) adventures of old Christine, who may not know a lot of "elitist" things like say the indisputable, scientific proof of evolution (as opposed to the 'Adam's rib' theory), or even any of that hoity-toity Constitution stuff, but there is one thing Miss O'Donnell knows for sure: God does not want you to go poking 'n prodding around "down there" whenever you feel the devil tempting your loins and filling your head with evil lustful SEX thoughts. So back when you were probably rocking Right Said Fred's "I'm Too Sexy" and sinfully lusting after megahunk Kirk Cameron, while sporting neon leg warmers, a super cool swatch watch, and over-sized scrunchy in your, at least now thankfully, straight hair, Christine O'Donnell was busy swaying to Joan Osborne's "One Of Us," twirling her thick, still-permed and feathered hair, and yelling about how God reserved a special place in hell for those who touch their “sinful places” down below where magic Jesus makes the miracles come from because, "The Bible says that lust in your heart is committing adultery. You can't masturbate without lust!"

Or hands either, Christine! Don't forget about those hands!

Besides it's like Christine says, "If he already knows what pleases him and he can please himself, than why am I in the picture?"

Ummm, because as far as we can tell, his mouth can't reach that far, now can it, Christine?

3. O'Donnell on Britney Spears and Madonna.
"I think people like Britney Spears have been irresponsible," O'Donnell told Fox News shortly after the pop stars exchanged a kiss during a performance at the MTV Video Music Awards. "Well, I feel sorry for both of them. Madonna is a middle-aged woman who is trying to hold on to her youth. And Britney is super star who is trying to hold on to her popularity. That's why they're playing games and doing gimmicks."

Unlike Madame Christine, who reserves using games and gimmicks when doing unimportant, trivial things, like trying to win a Senate race by tossing out tens of thousands of two-ounce suntan lotion packets affixed with the clever slogan: "Don’t Get Burned By Higher Taxes. Vote Christine O’Donnell 2008" at various local parades, as a sure-fire way to capture the people's heart. Don't think Snooki's gonna like that too much, though, Christine!

Besides, unlike those two pop star floozies, Britt and Madonna, Christie isn't trying to hold onto anything (she didn't have much of a brain to begin with), but especially not her special private place of sin.

"And you can tell that Britney Spears is struggling with who she is. I think she has a team of agents and managers who are saying, yes, push the envelope, kiss Madonna, take off all your clothes. And she's doing that because she doesn't want to sacrifice this enormous platform that she's built. But at the same time, she is sacrificing herself and you can see that in her eyes when she talks."

No, that's just the drugs, Christine, just the drugs. It's Coke, not faux lesbian kisses, that tend to do that to a person's eyes. Jeez, Chirstine! You would think that as someone who has "dabbled in the art of witchcraft" would have some idea about sacrifices, or at the very least, be able to wiggle her nose and magically make her opponent turn into a bag of Earl Grey or whatever, before hopping on her broomstick and flying off into the night towards Washington, DC. Poof!

4. O'Donnell on Feminism.
Asked if she considered herself a feminist, O'Donnell batted her perfectly mascaraed eyes and said, "Absolutely, but let me qualify that--I consider myself an authentic feminist. Not as defined by the modern movement. And, let me clarify that a little bit more. I was an English major, so break it down: -ist means one who celebrates. As a feminist, I celebrate my femininity."

Perfect! Now be a muffin, zip those pretty red lips, put on something tight 'n cute, and go fetch me dinner, got it, sweet tits?

And while your at it take off your bra, since you're soooooo liberated, and go bounce around for me!

5. O'Donnell on Psychics.
"Psychics exploit the human beings natural desire that longs for something higher," O'Donnell said on Bill Maher's Politically Incorrect in October 2001. "The same way a pimp exploits the natural desire to be with the opposite sex...psychics put people in spiritual harm, the same way pimps put people in physical harm."

Oh, Christine! Are you confusing Miss Cleo with E=MC² again?? How many times do we have to tell you? One wears a rhinestone-studded muumuu, rainbow headdress, and operates a 1-800 pay-per-call psychic hotline, while the other one dons a white lab coat, obligatory, sophisticated mustache, and decoded how the entire Universe operates. Remember, it's physics (and science!) you have problem with, not psychics (and quack ladies dressed as Shaman Erykah Badu's reading off of Tarot cards), capisce?

6. O'Donnell on Nude Sunbathing.
"I mean, it is very difficult, I'm sure, for a man to sit there and stare at his girlfriend naked and not want to go a little bit further," Christine explained on an Aug. 23, 2000 Fox News segment, "Should Sunbathing in Buff be Banned Altogether?"

Oh silly girl! Don't think for one minute that you, a simple, sensitive, needy woman knows the first thing about what a big, strapping, capable, intelligent, strong man thinks. 

Besides, watch what you say now, Christine, lest someone doesn't mind sounding like a total lezzie on national TV!

7. O'Donnell on Obama.
"He's soooo liberal. He's anti-American," said O'Donnell. "He's beating the 'change' drum. But let's look at the change. He did not vote for English as the official language. What does that say?"

OMG!! Only that he is 100% (wait, is that like the most?), without a doubt, a secret Muslim terrorist Socialist from Kenya! That or he already has a solid command of the English language, and it doesn't even involve winkin', consonant-droppin', or making up awesome words like "refudiate," thank you very much! (Still, probably the first though!)

8. O'Donnell on the Gay Pride Parade.
"Well, I know that the one here in Los Angeles, there was S&M going on. There was mocking sodomy, mocking, you know, all kinds of crude sexual acts," O'Donnell told Fox News in 2000. "Because -- because authorities were too afraid to be called, quote, unquote, 'homophobic' because these homosexual special rights groups do get away with [anything]."

Ugh, they sure do, don't they?

Except of course the same constitutional guarantees as everyone else, the right to serve (and die!) in the U.S. military, get married, have visitation and hospital rights with their loved ones, adopt children throughout all 50 states, receive the same benefits as married heterosexual couples, not get routinely discriminated in the workplace, have their lifestyles constantly used as political footballs, become Catholic priests, and if Montana and Texas have their way, also the right to have deviant gay sex, too!

I mean what's next? The Gays will actually be allowed to be who they are?? Gross. Heaven forbid!

9. O'Donnell on Middle Earth.
"You see Tolkien's wisdom applied to just about everything: Tolkien and communism, Tolkien and industrialization," O'Donnell said, speaking of author J.R.R. Tolkien's "Lord of the Rings" series in December 2003. "In researching this topic I even found a book on Tolkien and sexual fetishes."

OMG, quick, burn it now before the Devil gets out and starts having his lustful, deviant way with you!

O'Donnell said it was "surprising, then, especially in today's very hyper-sensitive, post-Gloria Steinem world, that there's such a lack of commentary on Tolkien and women...Is it that people assume that women don't have an interest in Tolkien?" she asked.

Ummm, (Middle) Earth to Christine!  Everyone knows you don't need to be literate to whip up a good pot roast! Use your head, woman!

Naturally, über-feminist Christine dismisses the notion that Tolkien should have written more about the females in the book, saying that the books "were written from a hobbit's perspective" and that if the film changed what was in the books it would "severely take away from the film's legitimacy."

Ugh, no-good women are always delegitimizing men with their silly nurture, compassion, and sad, li'l tear-filled eyes, aren't they? It's enough to make you want to puke all over their soft, perfume-scented skin, isn't it!?

Just look what the ol' estrogen-filled weaklings did to America's once-mighty military!

“By integrating women into particularly military institutes, it cripples the readiness of our defense,” O’Donnell said, arguing that West Point “has had to lower their standards...in order for men and women to compete.”

So true! I mean just look what one of these dumb bitches did to the Senate elections in Delaware! Now instead of a good, decent, capable MAN, by the name of Mike Castle, gunning for Joe Biden's old seat, the state is left with a special needs Jesus witch who believes scientific cloning, not the cartoon network, is responsible for mice with fully functioning human brains, Joe Biden and other political opponents are "hiding in the bushes," (I should certainly hope not "her bushes!"), and hasn't gotten laid in twenty years.

Oooh, progress sure is crazy, isn't it? Even better when you throw a tight, sexy, li'l black dress on it, toss on the stiletto pumps, add some nice color to those drab, natural lips and cheeks, have it constantly talk about naughty sex and masturbation, and parade it in front of every fat, horny, drunk slob in a Jesus-Saves T-Shirt with a beer in one hand and a big, hard stick in the other.

A voting lever, you sickos!

Delaware's O'Donnell Disaster Doesn't Believe In Masturbation Or Climate Change, Just The Power Of The Lord, Sarah Palin, To Make Her Senator

Rep. Mike Castle (R-DE) Stands Alone

Eh, now turns out Castle's actually not standing at all anymore, thanks to Sarah Palin endorsed doomed candidate and anti-masturbation crusader Christine O' Donnell, the born again, slightly less adorable, substantially more crazy hell version of that cute Circle of Friends/Scent of a Woman actor with the same namesake minus the "tine," who defeated (Teabagged?) longtime Delaware congressman, moderate Rep. Mike Castle to claim the Republican Senate nomination, as the Party's biggest mistake since that snow bunny Sarah first sleighed her way into our hearts and unleashed a Celestial Seasonings Tsunami upon the unsuspecting nation. Hooray!

Thank you, Abstinence Jeebus!

Because now with the woman who puts the "Christ" in "Christine" and uses the power of the Lord to conquer the lustful sin of masturbation, O'Donnell in, and Mike Castle out, the Democrats are poised to snag Joe Biden’s old Senate seat, previously considered a Republican lock right from the GOP's pure, masturbation-free hands!

But that's not all! No sir-ee!

Now that the moderate, intelligent, long-serving, mentally sane Republican Mike Castle has been unceremoniously tossed out of Delaware by pitchfork wielding patriots, in favor of a perennially-losing trainwreck with nice tits, no qualifications, and a laundry list of crazy-as-a-motherf**ker moments, there is not a single Republican candidate for Senate left who believes in human-caused climate change or supports action to limit global warming pollution. Yay!

I repeat: With the sole Republican believer in global warming, Mike Castle, now officially Teabagged out of the race, there is not a single candidate left on the GOP slate (vying for one of the 37 Senate seats in 2010) who actually believes in climate change as a real, powerful threat the United States must act to combat or face disastrous global consequences.

You betcha!!

Even previously sane, former Republican climate advocates Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) and Rep. Mark Kirk (R-IL) have decided to toss their brains, along with their souls, out of the Overton Window, and join the rest of the Grand Old Pretenders who know that global warming is nothing more than an elitist conspiracy between hippie dippie liberals and the entire international scientific community to keep Real Americans from drilling baby drilling America's once-pristine, water-based coastal shores into deliciously lucrative (albeit toxic) oil & dead wildlife-filled wastelands, like God intended.

I mean, if He cared about polar bears soooooo much, maybe He should have made 'em a little less choosy, and a little more suited to assembly line work in Indonesia. Hmmm, ever think about that, ya spoiled, ungrateful Arctic brats!

But inhabitable Earth or not, Christine O' Donnell is accepting her nomination and has all the best people in America to thank: the 9/12 nuts, Teabaggers, the Tea Party Express, Birthers, Oathers, Truthers, and the rest of Real, Normal Americans who know God created the world in six days, rested on the seventh, and reserved a special place in hell for those who touch their "sinful place" down there where babies are made.

Here's a quick review of Christine O’Donnell’s fantastic nuttiness, from Reason‘s Michael C. Moynihan:

"And the intellectual case against O’Donnell is overwhelming. A précis for those who have avoided the Delaware drama: O’Donnell lied about attending a Master’s degree program at Princeton University; claimed that her political enemies are creeping in the bushes outside her house; is opposed to the sinister habit of masturbation; is a supporter of the “ex-gay” movement, despite the inconvenient revelation that her former staffer Wade Richards “returned” to homosexuality and denounced those peddling “cures” for his sexuality; filed a $6 million lawsuit against the conservative group ISI for “gender discrimination”; was denounced by her former campaign manager as a “fraud” who uses campaign donations to pay rent and utility bills; and has implied that her Republican opponent is gay. Not that there is anything wrong with that."(Except, of course, the vengeful wrath of God and eternal damnation come Judgment Day, but other than that, okie dokie!)

And that's only the tip of the iceberg, or shall I say, magic cone of frozen Jesus tears, for the lovely, chronically unemployed Sarah Palin II, Christine O' Donnell, lover of God, Country, Morality, and of course, like her mentor, "sexy librarian" glasses, local news anchor hair-helmet, and obligatory '80s style color blazer complete with shoulder pads.

She's so good, decent, and pure, she wouldn't even lie to protect Jews (wait, those are the horned ones right?) during World War II (“Anne Frank? Oh, you mean that girl that lives in the attic?”) because “deception” is immoral. Either way, it’s a moot question, O’Donnell says, because “God would provide a way to do the right thing,” save for His li'l 4-year Spring Break between the years 1941-1945, when y'all were on your own, and it was every mortal for himself, while El Savior got drunk, tan, and laid on a beach in Daytona.

And now that she’s an official Sarah Palin Teabagger clone, O’Donnell doesn’t “believe” in anything either 'cept bein' on the teevee, and wearing the official Mama Grizzly uniform, right down to the winkin' sexy 'stead of speakin' sensey!

At this point, voting GOP is like voluntarily throwing yourself, and your family, in front of a fast moving train. Then again, if people don't vote for the clinically insane Grand Ol' Frauds, Sharron Angle will be forced to use second amendment remedies, and her special ability to turn-incestuously raped-and-impregnated-teenage-girl lemons-into-refreshingly-zesty-lemon-meringue-pie to fix the situation. After all, it is God's plan, that the Republicans Teabaggers be in power.

While it's true that some Tea Party-backed Senate candidates — like Marco Rubio in Florida and Rand Paul in Kentucky — have more than a decent shot to actually win their races, sadly the same cannot be said for Ms. Jesus Christine O' Donnell.

As New York Times blogger and stats wizard Nate Silver points out:

"While Mr. Rubio has charisma (that winning wingnut smile!), and Mr. Paul has the advantage of running in a state in which President Obama (and also black people & civil rights) is very unpopular, neither of those advantages would hold for someone like Ms. O’Donnell, whose nomination would represent a clear setback for Republican chances of taking over the Senate. But few voters in either party seem in much mood for measuring their risk."

HAHA, risk, what risk? There's no risk when it's God's plan that the inmates take over the asylum!