Can You Guess The Ingenious Mind Behind The Internet's Best Kept Secret, "Lou Sarah"?

It is no secret Sarah Louise Palin rules the Internets and all things related to it, including ghostwritten 140-character Tweets of indecipherable gibberish no one understands, except Twits, Twats, 'n Tweens, like say, the original runner up vice-presidential loser/half-term governor and her brood of fellow fame grubbing, ridiculously-named grifters.

So it should come as no surprise that for the world's #1 favoritest Patron Saint of Social Networking, a single Facebook page is simply not enough.

Puh-lease!

No, no, another Facebook page must be secretly created using Sarah Palin's personal Gmail address, so that the fake Sarah Palin can praise the other, real Sarah Palin whenever she says something really awesome and inspiring about Jesus, abstinence, or her favoritest Fox News.

But in order to be really clever so the dumb lamestream media doesn't find out, Sarah had to wrack her whole Wasilla brain to come up with something so smart, so unique, so mindlblowingly brilliant that no one would ever be the wiser.

And then suddenly, viola! Out pops a Facebook page for "Lou Sarah" (psst: her middle name is Louise, get it??) who is friends with a bunch of Wasilla folk and has an unhealthy obsession with Bristol Palin.

Coincidence? I think not.

This mysterious "Lou Sarah" page is really less a Facebook page and more a personal tribute to the real Sarah Palin, who she "likes" a lot, and has nothing but praise and encouragement for. "Lou Sarah" even says "Amen" to Facebook posts by Sarah Sarah, which is like the cyberworld's version of a rousing, stadium-sized standing ovation from a frenzied, adoring crowd o' flag wavin', Socialist motor scooter-ridin' patriots.

But what else does "Lou" do on her super secret, underground Facebook account that is easily accessible to anyone with a computer and enough fingers to type in Palin's Gmail address into Facebook's search box?

Well, for one thing, "Lou" thoroughly enjoys keeping in touch with all 12 of her mostly Wasilla-based friends, including Sarah Palin’s father Chuck Heath, brother Chuck Heath Jr., and some weirdo lady named Claire Barton who is also a proud member of Palin's Wasilla Assembly of God church and whose primary interest is to "Restore Fear of YAHWEH/GOD and YESHUA/CHRIST as Ruler of our Countries."

But seriously, whose isn't, right?

"Lou Sarah" is usually busy using her stealth page to "like" herself, recommend links to her own poorly written, factually incorrect op-ed columns, generously offer a few "Amen" shout-outs on Sarah Palin's public page, and become a fan of who else but Sarah Palin, Bristol Palin, Mark Ballas (Bristol Palin’s DWTS dancing partner, f**k buddy & probably-soon-to-be-baby daddy), and the Wasilla-based Edge Fitness, who Lou was kind enough to alert about an upcoming plug on the reality teevee sensation sweeping the globe, Sarah Palin's Alaska, starring Lou Sarah.

But most of all, when not showering praise upon her own perfect self, "Lou" simply loves to encourage others, particularly ones she personally birthed, raised, and groomed to follow in Mama's footsteps, and make moose piles of money makin' bastard babies, humiliating herself dancing (poorly) in a gorilla costume on national teevee.

And we love you, "Lou," on behalf of everyone who struggles with proper Facebook etiquette and overcomes the challenges of looking like a total douche, by deciding to like your own comment anyway!

It looks like The Wonder Woman of Wasilla has been way too busy moonlighting as "Lou" to heap praise on her daughter for remembering the Lord after getting booted off Dancing With The Stars and "like" herself, to actually read the liberal newspapers and other elitist publications warning about Facebook privacy settings.

Not that it matters because, either way, none of Palin's multiple personalities are interesting.

But this one sure is fitting: Lou Sar... Lou Sar... Loser!

America's First Daughter Bristol Teaches Us All Valuable Lessons About Evolution & How To Simulate Sex And Still Not Win A Dance Show

The country's, no make that the world's best Mother, Sarah Palin of the Snowy North, took a break from her grueling schedule updating very important status messages on her favoritest Facebook to give an interview to some lamestream media outlet, Zap2it, or something, to let the whole world know how proud she is of her daughter Bristol for shimmy-shaking what her mama gave her like some some cheap whore on that teevee show, Dancing With The Gays or whatever.

"We're so excited for Bristol," Sarah Palin tells Zap2it. "This is so Bristol, challenging herself, getting out of her comfort zone. She had told us just a couple of weeks before the show started, she said, 'Mom, "Dancing With The Stars" just called me and asked if I wanted to be on the show.' I said, 'What did you tell them?' 'I told them I'm not a star, and I don't dance. Sure, I'll join the show.'

Oh, hahahaha! What a coinkidink! Sort of like SarBear and the whole politics thing!

Aww, what the hell, you know Bristol, always ready to try anything once, even if it means a precious li'l miracle of God to screw up and give some weirdo name to, like say...Tripp?

"What she did, she loaded up her truck, and she drove it from Wasilla, Alaska, to Rodeo Drive [in Beverly Hills, Calif.], parked it there. She's in a little apartment there, she and Tripp [her son, born in Dec. 2008], and one of my good friends is helping her with Tripp."

Ooooh, wait let me guess! Is his name Levi Johnston/Ricky Hollywood??

"She's having a ball," says her mother. "What she said -- and it's kind of a life lesson for all of us, I think -- she said, 'Mom, no matter what I do, I'm going to get criticized, so I might as well go dance.' I'm like, 'Right on, go dance.' She's having a ball."

Sure as hell beats getting knocked up by some man-whore in the back of Daddy's pickup!

"Bristol loves [fellow competitor] Florence Henderson, and she says she relates to Florence more than anybody else."

Of course, she relates to the 76-year-old star of the Brady Bunch! They're both very wise for their ages and know exactly what it's like to grow up in a family the size of a small militia. Not to mention the wrenching pain of losing a beloved spouse/baby daddy one-night stand, respectively.

"But she has not one complaint about anybody." (Well, except for that one bitch, Audrina!) "Everything is positive, and she's just amazed how helpful and kind and gracious everybody is. It's been really good for her."

So would doing anything, even slutting herself out on the nearest street corner if it meant getting the hell out of Wasilla and away from a certain overBEARing Mama Grizz.

Bristol, who celebrated her 20th birthday by grinding, thrusting, and letting loose all her and Levi's secret sexytime moves for her 5th (and likely last!) steamy appearance on the show, was met with some decidedly mixed results, including from her own world famous grizzly bear mother.

"It's just fine," says Sarah Palin, "for never having danced at all, in her life."

But you betcha Bristy sure has banged!

Good thing, li'l sis Auntie Piper has some advice for her big sis Brist!

"As Piper was listening to Bristol explain to me," says Sarah, "how difficult the steps were -- because a lot of these dances, we had never heard the name of the dances, much less knowing the steps of them -- Piper said, 'I know how you can learn those steps -- just write them on the palm of your hand.'

"I'm like, 'That's exactly what I would do!' I told Bristol she should do that for one of the songs."

OMG totes! Then they can both be like special needs twins everyone laughs at for being so retarded resourceful as to scribble cheat sheets on the palm of their hand, in plain sight for all the world to see, en route to bein' the bestest, most freest president of America, ever!

But that's not all! Truth of the matter is Dancing with the Stars really wanted hot, hunky househubby Todd as their new, sexy Alaskan exploit but had to make do with dumb, boring ol' Bristol instead. Or something like that. Point is, Todd was totally asked to be on the show first!

Asked about that, Palin says, "I know, that's what I heard. That's what Todd has heard, too, through the rumor mill, that they called Todd. Didn't they call you, Todd?"

In the background, he answers in the affirmative. "Yeah, they called Todd. Oh ..." she pauses to listen, "they contacted the governor's mansion, the manager there, to try to get to Todd to ask him."

As she boards the flight, Palin hands the phone to her husband, who says, "It was a good thing that I declined, otherwise we wouldn't be watching Bristol today. Because, after my performance, they would ban any other Palins."

Ugh, God damn it! If only the same rules applied to our nation's democracy!

Though on the bright side, at least the American people don't have to be deprived of witnessing the nation's future First Daughter and celebrity warning against too much teenage monkey business in the tool shed sans protection, Bristol Palin, first don, then strip out of a monkey suit, and into a hot pink tutu, all the while dancin' the jive (poorly) on primetime TV, and still manage to come out looking less ridiculous than every other time she's made a public appearance. Ever.

Either way, Christine O'Donnell is just grateful someone finally demonstrated the whole evolution thing in a way she could understand: in rhythm, rhyme, and gorilla costume.

Evolution in 30 seconds. Boy, that Jesus sure can do anything!

Johnny Mac Says Cindy's Dancing Future Not In The Stars

Ugh, John McCain ruins everything!

First he ruined that lovely Sarah woman's vice-presidential hopes. Now he's ruining things for his number one lady love, socialite trophy-wife Cindy McCain, whose life-long dream is apparently to traipse around half-naked in a unitard before millions of Americans on the hit show "Dancing With The Stars."

Rumor has it that Cindy was in talks with producers just before Thanksgiving to appear as a dancer on the show, which she wanted to do very badly.

But then the honorable John S. McCain "put the kibosh on it" because he knows a few things about bad decisions.

Including letting his hot, rich young wife cavort with some sexy stud muffin mancer (that's what Johnny calls men dancers, hehe) for hours on end before having to come home to her 72-year-old NOT-president hubby with mild-to-severe arthritis.