Makin' Mama Proud: Bristol Palin Rides A Mechanical Bull, Gets Into Bar Fight With Angry Homosexual

Like most new 20-year-old single mothers, Bristol Palin spent her Thursday night riding a mechanical bull and screaming at some gay guy in a West Hollywood bar because that's what underage, abstinence-crusading hillbillies do when shamelessly grifting, err, filming themselves being idiots for some dumb reality teevee show nobody's going to watch anyway.

So there's Bristol, minding her own business, innocently flailing around on the one Saddle Ranch bar patron that wouldn't accidentally impregnate her, when suddenly, out of a nowhere, a homosexual appears. And not just any homosexual, but an angry, screaming, active homosexual who doesn't much care for Bristol's mother, Alaskan empress Sarah Palin, or her annoying, unemployed offspring either.

So Bristol did what most anyone would do when confronted by a drunk stranger, and marches over to the screamer, demanding to know if "he is a homosexual," because that is how you insult someone Alaska-style.

Good thing the cameras were still rolling!

From CBS LA:

“Did you ride Levi like that? Your mother is a whore! Your mother is a f***ing devil!” he shouts.
Palin approaches the man and asks, “Is it because you’re a homosexual and that’s why you hate her?”
“Pretty much … and why’d you say I’m a homosexual?” he responds.
“Because I can tell you are,” Bristol says.
“You’re f***ing white trash from Wasila!” he screams as she leaves with her production crew. “F*** you, you f***ing b***h!”
At one point, the man also tells Palin that he doesn’t believe in hell, but that if it exists, he believes her mother will go there.

Ummm, what do you think Alaska is? The freakin' Garden of Eden?

Anyway, I totally know what you're thinking, "Doesn't the bull usually ride the cow?"

Funny thing is, they had to give the mechanical bull a few stiff ones before it would let Bristol mount it.

Kinda like Levi.

Can You Guess The Ingenious Mind Behind The Internet's Best Kept Secret, "Lou Sarah"?

It is no secret Sarah Louise Palin rules the Internets and all things related to it, including ghostwritten 140-character Tweets of indecipherable gibberish no one understands, except Twits, Twats, 'n Tweens, like say, the original runner up vice-presidential loser/half-term governor and her brood of fellow fame grubbing, ridiculously-named grifters.

So it should come as no surprise that for the world's #1 favoritest Patron Saint of Social Networking, a single Facebook page is simply not enough.

Puh-lease!

No, no, another Facebook page must be secretly created using Sarah Palin's personal Gmail address, so that the fake Sarah Palin can praise the other, real Sarah Palin whenever she says something really awesome and inspiring about Jesus, abstinence, or her favoritest Fox News.

But in order to be really clever so the dumb lamestream media doesn't find out, Sarah had to wrack her whole Wasilla brain to come up with something so smart, so unique, so mindlblowingly brilliant that no one would ever be the wiser.

And then suddenly, viola! Out pops a Facebook page for "Lou Sarah" (psst: her middle name is Louise, get it??) who is friends with a bunch of Wasilla folk and has an unhealthy obsession with Bristol Palin.

Coincidence? I think not.

This mysterious "Lou Sarah" page is really less a Facebook page and more a personal tribute to the real Sarah Palin, who she "likes" a lot, and has nothing but praise and encouragement for. "Lou Sarah" even says "Amen" to Facebook posts by Sarah Sarah, which is like the cyberworld's version of a rousing, stadium-sized standing ovation from a frenzied, adoring crowd o' flag wavin', Socialist motor scooter-ridin' patriots.

But what else does "Lou" do on her super secret, underground Facebook account that is easily accessible to anyone with a computer and enough fingers to type in Palin's Gmail address into Facebook's search box?

Well, for one thing, "Lou" thoroughly enjoys keeping in touch with all 12 of her mostly Wasilla-based friends, including Sarah Palin’s father Chuck Heath, brother Chuck Heath Jr., and some weirdo lady named Claire Barton who is also a proud member of Palin's Wasilla Assembly of God church and whose primary interest is to "Restore Fear of YAHWEH/GOD and YESHUA/CHRIST as Ruler of our Countries."

But seriously, whose isn't, right?

"Lou Sarah" is usually busy using her stealth page to "like" herself, recommend links to her own poorly written, factually incorrect op-ed columns, generously offer a few "Amen" shout-outs on Sarah Palin's public page, and become a fan of who else but Sarah Palin, Bristol Palin, Mark Ballas (Bristol Palin’s DWTS dancing partner, f**k buddy & probably-soon-to-be-baby daddy), and the Wasilla-based Edge Fitness, who Lou was kind enough to alert about an upcoming plug on the reality teevee sensation sweeping the globe, Sarah Palin's Alaska, starring Lou Sarah.

But most of all, when not showering praise upon her own perfect self, "Lou" simply loves to encourage others, particularly ones she personally birthed, raised, and groomed to follow in Mama's footsteps, and make moose piles of money makin' bastard babies, humiliating herself dancing (poorly) in a gorilla costume on national teevee.

And we love you, "Lou," on behalf of everyone who struggles with proper Facebook etiquette and overcomes the challenges of looking like a total douche, by deciding to like your own comment anyway!

It looks like The Wonder Woman of Wasilla has been way too busy moonlighting as "Lou" to heap praise on her daughter for remembering the Lord after getting booted off Dancing With The Stars and "like" herself, to actually read the liberal newspapers and other elitist publications warning about Facebook privacy settings.

Not that it matters because, either way, none of Palin's multiple personalities are interesting.

But this one sure is fitting: Lou Sar... Lou Sar... Loser!

America's First Daughter Bristol Teaches Us All Valuable Lessons About Evolution & How To Simulate Sex And Still Not Win A Dance Show

The country's, no make that the world's best Mother, Sarah Palin of the Snowy North, took a break from her grueling schedule updating very important status messages on her favoritest Facebook to give an interview to some lamestream media outlet, Zap2it, or something, to let the whole world know how proud she is of her daughter Bristol for shimmy-shaking what her mama gave her like some some cheap whore on that teevee show, Dancing With The Gays or whatever.

"We're so excited for Bristol," Sarah Palin tells Zap2it. "This is so Bristol, challenging herself, getting out of her comfort zone. She had told us just a couple of weeks before the show started, she said, 'Mom, "Dancing With The Stars" just called me and asked if I wanted to be on the show.' I said, 'What did you tell them?' 'I told them I'm not a star, and I don't dance. Sure, I'll join the show.'

Oh, hahahaha! What a coinkidink! Sort of like SarBear and the whole politics thing!

Aww, what the hell, you know Bristol, always ready to try anything once, even if it means a precious li'l miracle of God to screw up and give some weirdo name to, like say...Tripp?

"What she did, she loaded up her truck, and she drove it from Wasilla, Alaska, to Rodeo Drive [in Beverly Hills, Calif.], parked it there. She's in a little apartment there, she and Tripp [her son, born in Dec. 2008], and one of my good friends is helping her with Tripp."

Ooooh, wait let me guess! Is his name Levi Johnston/Ricky Hollywood??

"She's having a ball," says her mother. "What she said -- and it's kind of a life lesson for all of us, I think -- she said, 'Mom, no matter what I do, I'm going to get criticized, so I might as well go dance.' I'm like, 'Right on, go dance.' She's having a ball."

Sure as hell beats getting knocked up by some man-whore in the back of Daddy's pickup!

"Bristol loves [fellow competitor] Florence Henderson, and she says she relates to Florence more than anybody else."

Of course, she relates to the 76-year-old star of the Brady Bunch! They're both very wise for their ages and know exactly what it's like to grow up in a family the size of a small militia. Not to mention the wrenching pain of losing a beloved spouse/baby daddy one-night stand, respectively.

"But she has not one complaint about anybody." (Well, except for that one bitch, Audrina!) "Everything is positive, and she's just amazed how helpful and kind and gracious everybody is. It's been really good for her."

So would doing anything, even slutting herself out on the nearest street corner if it meant getting the hell out of Wasilla and away from a certain overBEARing Mama Grizz.

Bristol, who celebrated her 20th birthday by grinding, thrusting, and letting loose all her and Levi's secret sexytime moves for her 5th (and likely last!) steamy appearance on the show, was met with some decidedly mixed results, including from her own world famous grizzly bear mother.

"It's just fine," says Sarah Palin, "for never having danced at all, in her life."

But you betcha Bristy sure has banged!

Good thing, li'l sis Auntie Piper has some advice for her big sis Brist!

"As Piper was listening to Bristol explain to me," says Sarah, "how difficult the steps were -- because a lot of these dances, we had never heard the name of the dances, much less knowing the steps of them -- Piper said, 'I know how you can learn those steps -- just write them on the palm of your hand.'

"I'm like, 'That's exactly what I would do!' I told Bristol she should do that for one of the songs."

OMG totes! Then they can both be like special needs twins everyone laughs at for being so retarded resourceful as to scribble cheat sheets on the palm of their hand, in plain sight for all the world to see, en route to bein' the bestest, most freest president of America, ever!

But that's not all! Truth of the matter is Dancing with the Stars really wanted hot, hunky househubby Todd as their new, sexy Alaskan exploit but had to make do with dumb, boring ol' Bristol instead. Or something like that. Point is, Todd was totally asked to be on the show first!

Asked about that, Palin says, "I know, that's what I heard. That's what Todd has heard, too, through the rumor mill, that they called Todd. Didn't they call you, Todd?"

In the background, he answers in the affirmative. "Yeah, they called Todd. Oh ..." she pauses to listen, "they contacted the governor's mansion, the manager there, to try to get to Todd to ask him."

As she boards the flight, Palin hands the phone to her husband, who says, "It was a good thing that I declined, otherwise we wouldn't be watching Bristol today. Because, after my performance, they would ban any other Palins."

Ugh, God damn it! If only the same rules applied to our nation's democracy!

Though on the bright side, at least the American people don't have to be deprived of witnessing the nation's future First Daughter and celebrity warning against too much teenage monkey business in the tool shed sans protection, Bristol Palin, first don, then strip out of a monkey suit, and into a hot pink tutu, all the while dancin' the jive (poorly) on primetime TV, and still manage to come out looking less ridiculous than every other time she's made a public appearance. Ever.

Either way, Christine O'Donnell is just grateful someone finally demonstrated the whole evolution thing in a way she could understand: in rhythm, rhyme, and gorilla costume.

Evolution in 30 seconds. Boy, that Jesus sure can do anything!

The "Healthy Lifestyle" Of Mama Bear Sarah And Her Precious Lovebirds' Bristol & Levi's Drama-Free Sleigh Ride To The Altar

ARGHHHH, Help Bristol, Some Weird Thing Is Touching Me!!

Beloved Arctic heartthrobs Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston decided why the hell not give Us Weekly a little more of the gossipy good stuff, who in turn decided why the hell not place the BRISTOLing interview with the li'l lovebirds in their “Healthy Lifestyle” section of their site, because there is nothing healthier than unprotected, underage babymaking by two teenagers whose relationship consists of magazine covers and teevee interviews.

Us Weekly knows this! Trust me, you don't get to be the go-to rag of ironic teen hipsters with just a freakin' orange dwarf sextin' with John McCain alone!

Puh-lease! Haha, maybe if you wanna be Ok! (**Shudder!**).

Anyway, so Bristy gives Us the exclusive, juicy details about how her awful, ghastly beast of a mother (and now grandmother) Sarah Louise Palin "doesn't really approve" of her (fake) surprise engagement and reality $how auction to playboy gossip whore Levi Johnston and is "not 100 percent backing us up right now."

Oh, really you don't say! I thought Sar was positively swooning over the pending nuptials of her 19-year-old revenue booster's white wedding (in snow only--wink, wink!) to hung hockey hunk Levi Johnston. It totally seemed that way judging by her weird passive-aggressive statementy thing about “praying” for them, and alluding to "struggling with forgiveness" and other oddly decent human qualities. 

"She's apprehensive and concerned about this. She doesn't want to see me get hurt again," Bristol said.

Eh, hate to break it to ya toots, but it's more she doesn't want to see blabbermouth ex-loverboy's shoot their pieholes off to the lamestream media no more or she's gonna show them what else she can shoot, and it ain't spit!

"Bristol believes in redemption and forgiveness to a degree most of us struggle to put in practice in our daily lives."

Ummm, we're actually all pretty much cool with it. But hey, you go ahead and keep telling yourself that, hon! Whatever makes it easier for you to wake up in the morning!

"She knew Levi and I had been talking, but she wanted to know if Levi was really sincere about this," says Bristol. "I told her we were working on our relationship for Tripp, and she told me, 'Actions speak louder than words.'

You betcha! But clichés come second, with tattoos a distant third.

"She's going to wait to see if he changes... But she's just glad he is getting on the right path. She knows how much Tripp means to me, and she wants Tripp to have a father figure."

Preferably, hanging stuffed on a wall in the home office!

Bristol said she was worried about telling her mother that she's engaged to Levi, a problem she obviously solved by spilling the beans on the cover of a popular celebrity trashloid instead.

“We got engaged two weeks ago. It felt right, even though we don’t have the approval of our parents.”

"Sarah and Todd Palin have not given their blessing to this wedding. In fact, Us Weekly asked Levi, ‘Did you ask for Bristol’s hand?’ and he said, ‘No. I know that if I had, Sarah and Todd would have said no.'"

Actually, Sarah would have said, not on your stinkin' life Mr. Ricky Hollywood, ya media whorin' no good slimy rat bastard! And Todd would have nodded and grunted ummm hmmm, lest he unleash "angry" Sarah upon his poor shattered soul and bruised 'n battered body.

But alas, tabloid-splattered love conquers all, even starry-eyed offspring of vicious, spurned Alaskan Shakespearean poetess's, whose living, breathing prose comes in 140 character (max) blasts of rogue flavored fun!

“I came home from work one day, and there was tons of flowers all over my room, and there’s flowers, like rose petals, in the shape of a heart on my bed,” Bristol said. “Then he got down on one knee and asked me to marry him.”

Bristol didn’t even have to think about her response, “There was no hesitation at all.”

Now that's Mama's girl!

Act impulsively now, regret later!

 "What I've done is starting to sink in, and every family member of mine has some concerns -- and that is scaring me."

Not to mention the 500 collective shotguns between the six of 'em!

"My dad is on the same page as my mom: they don't want to see me get hurt. They don't want to see again what I already went through with Levi."

Good grief, girl! When are you going to understand it is not about you, it is about her? Always!

"People are more worried for me than excited for me."

I can't possibly imagine what on earth for??

Surely, not because of my long history of rash, bad decisions, inherent genetic defects, toxic Barracuda rearing, and burning, subconscious urges to show Mama Bear how a real mother neglects and damages their first born precious miracles of God (or drunken regret) by repeating a slightly tweaked version of mama's same mistakes.

Of course, it is not yet known whether the mother of the bride, Sarah Palin, will attend or if she is indeed the heartless, ice cold wretch of the snowy North we feared she was, whose big ego, selfish whims, and petty jealousy keep her away from this holy ceremony of matrimony, and leave her baby-makin' baby bride-to-be Bristol, a motherless cub with nothing but a white Carolina Herrera gown to comfort her on her most blissful wedding day?

But either way, the Bristol-Levi wedding bash is gonna be the hottest thing to hit Alaska since like...ever, or at least since God pointed his finger at that sacred spot so many years ago and went kablooey!

“It’s going to be the wedding of the century in Alaska. Our version of Princess Diana and Prince Charles’ wedding,” a Palin family friend told Us Weekly. “Everyone would kill to get an invite even if it means having to buy them an expensive gift. It’s just too bad that her mother has refused to attend. Although I can’t say I blame her after everything that boy has put her through.”

Sniffle, I get teary-eyed just thinking about it! Like how it feels just terrible to get sold out by loved ones for a little money and fame. Like they always say, nothing heals a broken heart quite like petty revenge, or was it time?

But whatever, nothing a pricey wedding gift can't solve, since everyone knows gifts are the most important part about entering into a sacred union with another person for the rest of your life. Duh!

But wait, what's this we hear about First Dude Todd's going rogue??

“With or without Sarah, Todd will be walking his daughter down the aisle,” the family friend said. “He has been looking forward to this day ever since Bristol was a little girl and wouldn’t miss it for anything or anyone.”

Aww, how sweet! Todd is going to put on his galoshes, grab his sled, and mush her to the alter! Will go perfectly with li'l Tripp and Levi's matching camo vests!

Too bad Sarah will likely lay a moose egg over Todd's li'l fatherly sleigh ride to the alter, and probably tweet her divorce to him later that day.

“It just feels right to be a family,” Bristol said. Err, or at least until next week's issue hits the stands and all hell breaks loose.

The famousest First Family of the Final Frontier's foremost frozen meth lab, and abandoned soul-crushing spawn place of Sarah, the one and only, wondrous Wasilla!

Even if its star attraction, Mama grizzly can't make it.

She'll simply adore his wicked, new R&B ballad "After Love" and its accompanying sexy new music video about a...wait for it..."loony interfering mom," of all things!

In conceiving the video, director Evan Winter admitted that he "riffed off [Johnston's] real-life situation." It shows a couple sharing "tender moments before they are driven apart by the young woman’s mother," the Associated Press reports. "Unaware that her mom’s interference forced her boyfriend to go, she throws herself into her mother’s arms. She tells her mother that she was wrong about Levi."

OMG, looks like Levi's joined wifey Bristol as America's other most prominent young actor. Guess she's not the only one with the acting chops and talent to make it as a real, live teevee star around here!

It's like Mama P always said, the show must go on!

And a sweet, well-mannered boy like Levi Johnston would never disappoint the ol' ma-in-law.

Which means, Sarah darling's gonna have to wait another two years (uh, how long those term thingys last again?) 'til she's (finally!) President and can have that darn boy killed already, and all traces of his existence destroyed!

Ooooh, looks like someone just thought of the perfect (surprise) anniversary gift, to boot!

True Love Never Dies, It Dresses Like Jehovah's Witnesses & Graces Gossip Magazine Covers

L is for Levi? Love? Lies?

Legend of the Snowy North and fearless leader of mama Grizzlies the world over, Sarah Palin awoke one Alaskan morning to quite a surprise from one of her own precious little cubs, whose lovable mug was splashed all over the lamestream tabloid Us Weekly announcing the wonderful, earth shattering news that Alaska’s favoritest star-crossed lovers Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston will, at long last, be making their deep bond official in the eyes of the Lord and legal system.

This is wonderful news, America! And everyone is very excited for these two bright eyed young patriots trying so hard to navigate through the murky waters of teenage parenthood and true love, all under the blinding glare of the media they solicited when exclusively announcing their secret wedding plans to the world!

But what does Mama Bear, the only reason this charming couple is seemingly of any interest to anyone anywhere, think about all this gossip fodder about her little grizzly cub and new, life-altering choice to follow in her footsteps? Perhaps she offered her daughter some sage wisdom and heartfelt advice about these difficult decisions like whether to run away and elope, or come out as a couple on the cover of America's fave teen gloss, Us, to which Mother has a subscription gracing the coffee table back home in Wasilla, and is likely how she found out about her eldest daughter's upcoming plans to tie the noose knot with high school hottie Levi.

Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston say that Sarah Palin has been kept in the dark about their plans...until now.

"We got engaged two weeks ago," 19-year-old Bristol Palin told Us Weekly. "It felt right, even though we don't have the approval of our parents."

Says Bristol, “It is intimidating and scary just to think about what her reaction is going to be. Hopefully she will jump on board.”

But she'll probably just pump us full of lead and toss us overboard instead. Because Sarah Palin does not forgive nor does she forget. Christian virtue or not, forgiveness is simply not in her! But what is in her, is issuing underhanded, passive-aggressive statements to Good Morning America, swiping at ex-baby daddy's turned soon-to-be baby daddy hubbies by "praying" for them, and alluding to "struggling" with things like compassion and forgiveness.

"As parents, we obviously want what is best for our children, but Bristol is ultimately in charge of determining what is best for her and her beautiful son.

Like choosing to consecrate their deep, star-crossed Arctic love by dressing like Jehovah Witness proselytizers and appearing on the cover of popular tween tabloids for all the world to see.

"Bristol believes in redemption and forgiveness to a degree most of us struggle to put in practice in our daily lives. We pray that, as a couple, Bristol and Levi's relationship matures into one that will allow Tripp to grow up graced with two loving parents in his life."

Or at least until they both get filthy rich (just like mama!) making moose piles of money off their reality show and one of them tragically falls off the Bridge To Nowhere and Tripp is once again reduced to boring, untelevised existence with a single, abstinence-crusading mom and loving Grandmama, whose apocalyptic nightmare of her own flesh and blood marrying into a liberal-media-sympathizing, truth telling, blog writing, criminally troubled fellow Arctic family, is fortunately now floating face down in the frozen Arctic waters off Prince William Sound.

Because you don't need to be a brilliant, former half-term governor like Sarah to know that only dead fiances fish go with the flow.

"He's a kid. He's misguided," Sarah Palin said of Johnston in November. "I can't wait until he comes back on that right road of wanting to be part of the family and Tripp's life. It's going to be good."

Good as dead. Mwhahahahahahaha!

OMG! Breaking News: Levi Johnston & Bristol Palin Are Back In Love, & Everything Bad He Said Was A Lie, Until Their Next Break Up

America's favorite spurned, tell-all baby daddy and almost X-rated Alaskan answer to Scott Brown, hunky heartthrob Levi "Almost Showed My" Johnston wants you to know all those mean, terrible, private things he said about the Palins, specifically sweet matriarch Sarah Palin, were actually mere figments of his wild, teenage imagination and he's deeply sorry for all the pain, trouble, anguish, anger, or ill effects he may have inadvertently caused the family. When he slipped and fell into every teevee interview and talk show around to say some juicy stuff about how Sarah is really a crazy, cold-hearted wench and so on and so forth.

Accidentally when he was still all sad and upset-like 'cause of his break-up with Bristol and the whole crazy Tripp thing (like fatherhood, weird!) and said some, umm, things he shouldn't have said.

Especially if he knew he was gonna get back together with Bristol and the gang!

"Last year, after Bristol and I broke up, I was unhappy and a little angry. Unfortunately, against my better judgment, I publicly said things about the Palins that were not completely true," he said. "I have already privately apologized to Todd and Sarah. Since my statements were public, I owe it to the Palins to publicly apologize."

What those things were exactly, he wouldn't say, but whatever the lies were, he is certainly the sorriest young high school hockey star and famousest father in all of Alaska! Besides, he needs to stay mum in case he ever needs leverage for future baby-momma drama (although we're certain they'll live happily ever after!).

He would never ever do a thing like that again, or at least until the next time he is shamefully cast off by the Sopalins for being a slutty man whore with a big mouth who gossips like some high school heartthrob after breaking up with his girlfriend because of her psycho mother.

His hot, sexy, amateur actress girlfriend whose star-making performance playing the non-gifted, white trash version of brilliant cellist Yo-Yo Ma means she can finally give the whole abstinence crusade thing a rest and get back to doing what she does best: screwing the bejesus out of beau Levi, whenever Mama's off on a hunt or hoarding cash in the Lower 48 for freedom!

Bristol, who has finally gotten the hang of how the whole Palin family ghostwritten public statement thing works, added her "own" professionally crafted response, saying: "Part of co-parenting is creating healthy and honest relationships between the parents. Tripp one day needs to know the truth and needs to know that even if a mistake is made the honorable thing to do is to own up to it."

Got it Johnston?

Okay, okay, sorry Tripp for getting drunk, not wrapping up the goods, and nine months later having a special, li'l miracle of God I never really wanted but lost the receipt so can't return, ugh. A total bummer but Bristol says he's real cute 'n stuff, and I can teach him to play hockey and hunt and how to ding dong ditch with flaming bags of moose dung, so we'll see. Who knows, maybe it won't be too bad after all!

And now that Mama's off Facebookin' for freedom 'cross America, Bristol and Levi are free to be the two made-for-each-other love birds, and underage sex machines everyone knows they should be.

“Bristol and Levi are still very close,” a source close to Bristol, 19, tells Us. The eldest daughter to former Alaskan Gov. Sarah Palin claimed in the June issue of Harper’s Bazaar that ex Johnston, 20, was “a stranger to me.”
But the source reveals, “Now that Mama Palin is out of the picture and Bristol is on her own in Anchorage, they spend more time together than most people think.”

Oooooh, does that mean they're doing DOING IT????

Because we all know what happened the last time Mama Bear was too busy ruining running Alaska to monitor her eldest daughter's sexual behavior.

But wait, maybe the pair is just trying to spend more time together with li’l Tripp?

Adds the source: “Levi even stays overnight. I even think they are back together.”

Like making steamy, unprotected sexytime back together?

"So to the Palin family in general and to Sarah Palin in particular, please accept my regrets and forgive my youthful indiscretion," Johnston said. "I hope one day to restore your trust."

So I can return to my rightful place inside your daughter, continue reproducing tons o' li'l Tripps and Triggers, and restore my suddenly cold-as-Wasilla sex life back to its mainland warmth.


Which means the whole world can breathe a collective sigh of relief knowing it's favoritest pair are back on (top of each other?) and can reclaim their well-deserved title as America's #1 Sweethearts, now that Al and Tipper have so cruelly tossed their title in the gutter, and crushed our belief in love and God.

Yay!

But wait! Not so fast, says Levi's sister Mercede, who took to her awesome new blog to hit back at the Levi Johnston faux apology tour to get back into Sarah's good graces and Bristol's designer pants.

"After about four hours of fun out on a four-wheeler I finally stopped someplace where there was a clear signal and checked my I-phone. I found that I had received a number of messages, but there was one which caught my attention, immediately made my heart beat faster, and brought a tear to my eye."

"The message was from my mother saying that Levi, who has not spoken to us since he rekindled his relationship with Bristol (although we had attempted repeatedly to call or text him), left a message saying that if I did not take my blog down by Wednesday that I would never get to see him, or Tripp, again."

"I could not believe it! I thought to myself if he was really willing to make such a threat that he would at least have the decency to call me and talk about it first. I mentioned on my blog repeatedly that my intention was not to hurt or attack the Palins, but to speak out and tell the public my side of the story. As well as how badly my life, and the lives of our family members, had been impacted by our association with the Palins."

"It had my mind spinning. How could my brother threaten me like this?"

Oh no! Levi has forgotten who his real non-rich and famous celebrity family is! Now, he will never return to his familial frozen meth lab roots in Wasilla! How can you do this, Levi?

I wish Levi could be the man I know he is and have a mind of his own and finally stand his ground, but I guess he is blinded by love. I just wish he would take a step back and look at the bigger picture.

Like how Bristol and Levi are totally back together, true love conquers all, or at least whatever couldn't be accomplished by drilling, baby drilling Levi's fragile, hunky brain with evil Palin Family brainwashing.

Unlike every other idiot teenage couple who got knocked up in America, Bristol and Levi have publicists who talk to the national media when their romantic status changes. Which means, we won't have to rely on the poor man's journylism of Mercede Johnston's blog, the savvy investigatory prowess and unparalleled determination of Us Weekly, or the power of our Lord & Savior Jesus Christ to keep us informed of this very special moment in American history.

And maybe, just maybe, if every last man, woman, and child (special needs and otherwise) in America tries their very hardest (and prays every night) to break the evil Sarah spell, Levi Johnston will one day be able to break free from the strings of Palin puppethood (or is it parenthood?), and once again be a real live boy, err make that, real, live Playboy centerfold.

Bristol Palin Is Taking A Break From Her Abstinence Crusade To Be The Yo-Yo Ma Of Bad After-School Specials

Like OMG! Did you hear the amazing, Twitterific news about America's favoritest knocked-up, unwed teenage hero and world-famous abstinence crusader, the voice of an entire generation (no, no not Kanye!), Bristol Palin??

Turns out, the famous daughter of Alaskan legend $arah Palin was soooooooo successful in her very important public service announcement warning horny, young teens across the US of A about what happens when you, the bored daughter of Alaskan royalty decide to get drunk, whip out the hooha, and make maverick sexytime every time Mama's off huntin' liberals, or on another one of her get-rich-quick tours in the mainland, that Hollywood has once again come-a-callin!

And Lord knows when Tinseltown calls, you betcha Bristol's pickin' up the phone! Like, duh!

Fresh off her Academy Award-deserving sexytime service announcement warning poor people to pause before having abortions, THE Bristol Palin will make her prime-time Hollywood debut on the new show The Secret Life of the American Teenager coming July 5th.

Oooh sounds sexy!

And what better way to celebrate America's freedom (from poor dental hygiene and terrible World Cup goalies) than with another sublime performance by legendary teenage baby mama Bristol Palin on America’s favorite and family-valuesiest teevee network, ABC Family?

Judging by the wonderful clip pre-released to the public, this one's got Emmy written all over it. I don't know if there is a time limit (like say, a one minute cut-off), but if there was ever a 38-second masterpiece, this baby is it!

Bristol: "Do you have a son or a daughter?"
Bristol look-alike: "I have a son."
Bristol: "Me too."
Look-alike: "Um, how did you know I had a baby, (nervous laughter)...and, and you have a son?"
Bristol: "We're all teen moms...and musicians!"
Look-alike: "Everyone in this program?"
Bristol: "The program is for teen moms!"
Look-alike: "So I didn't get here on my own?
Bristol: "Haha, of course you did!" "You're the world's greatest french horn player and I am Yo-Yo Ma...C'mon, we have to get going."

I know, I know, mesmerizing! You would have to be dead or a zombie (Bristol acting?) to not be positively blown away by this superb gift of acting genius that Bristol and ABC Family have so generously unleashed upon the good 'merican people!

It is so patriotic and thoughtful of Bristol to educate the whole, wide world about teenage moms who are also musicians at music camp, and all the awesome, fun stuff they do (that is, once the little rascal slipped the hell out of the ol' uterus) together like raising li'l miracles of God, all the while making beautiful music that pierces the soul!

Of course, sweet Bristol had no trouble memorizing all those difficult lines, since "I'm Yo-Yo Ma" is exactly what she tells li'l Trigger (Tripp knows who his mama is) every day, when the lamestream media's not around to blow up her spot.

Speaking of blowing, too bad Bristol had to play some weirdo Commie Red cellist Yo-Yo Ma or Blah or whatever, instead of what she really wanted to be, the world's greatest French Horn player!

She could have really used the practice. Would have saved her a heckuva lot of trouble! Like 9 whole months!

Plus another 18 years.

$arah Palin's Bringin' Sexy Back To Women By Takin' Sexytime Rights Away From 'Em!

Fearless defender of a pure white America free from gross brown people, and a woman's right to cede control of her own reproductive organs to the evil, federal government, $arah Palin is on a one-woman mission from God.

A divinely-inspired mission which includes a variety of personal incentives for the 'Cuda, like seven-figure paydays, several doctored interviews on the teevee, some awesome ghostwritten speeches from her hand, and of course, many ruined lives and slaughtered carcasses along the way.

Hooray!!

Most recently, $arah's brilliant quest to restore greatness to once-proud America came in the form of defending Aryanzona's awesome new law making it illegal to be a person of suspicious color (brown) while residing in their parched, cacti-dotted desert paradise, unless the chocolatey hue happens to be a temporary side-effect from your two-week vacation somewhere warm 'n exotic, so long as it isn't disgusting Mexico.

Same goes for those hoity-toity, college educated, arugula-eating liberal elitists who suddenly decided to boycott Arizona all because of one little Nazi law that doesn't hurt anybody (or at least not anybody important and white).

"It's time for Americans across this great country to stand up and say, 'We're all Arizonans now,'" Palin said. "And in clear unison we say, 'Mr. President: Do your job. Secure our border.'"

Hear that NObama?

Either you build a 5,000 mile long magical fence that instantly solves all our problems (using no federal funds, of course) or shut your stinkin' trap about "civil rights," "discrimination," and/or the supposed danger of using fear and misinformation to create unconstitutional (White Power?) laws targeting those whose dark hues do not come from fun-and-sun-filled vacays at Club Med.

"Our purpose today is to help the rest of the nation understand the crisis which confronts our state," Jan Brewer said, citing the presence of human and drug smugglers, not to mention those two dingbats running for Senate, crazy old man McCain and that nutjob JD Hayworth ridin' his tail.

The tough immigration law takes effect July 29 and requires police enforcing another law to ask a person about his or her immigration status if there's "reasonable suspicion" that the person is in the country illegally (aka are they wearing a sombrero, maids outfit, holding a leafblower, and/or driving a landscaper truck blasting La Bamba and packed to the gills with darkies?). Naturally, being in the country illegally would become a state crime.

"I think for most American people the reaction to this would be, 'Why haven't the police already been doing that?'" Palin said.

Like, duh!

I mean is it really that hard? Just round up all the browns using the scent of tacos or re-fried beans, a trail of soccer balls, and voila! It's adiós America and ¡Hola! Mexicanland, or wherever it is that human jumping border beans come from.

Both Brewer and Palin refused to say whether they'd support a guest worker program that would allow unskilled workers to temporarily work legally in the United States.

Likely because neither knows what the hell that means but then again, being ignorant and clueless has never really stopped 'em before. They have, however, heard the word unskilled several times. Can't really put their finger on why or where exactly, though...

While President Obama and numerous city, state and foreign governments have condemned Arizona's new SS law, which critics say will lead to racial profiling of Hispanics, Gov. Brewer reiterated her assertion that profiling is illegal and will not be tolerated, despite the entire law being based on this very practice!

"The president apparently considers it a wonderful opportunity to divide people along racial lines for his personal political convenience," Brewer said, apparently confusing herself with a certain current President of the United States. An honest mistake anyone could make!

Arizona Democratic Party spokeswoman Jennifer Johnson said Brewer's the one who has divided people, which she's done by signing controversial bills, and "puts her political survival first every single day."

"Every word she said today was crafted with her Republican primary in mind," Johnson said. "Arizona is just an afterthought."

Kinda like a certain precious miracle of God that rhymes with pig but shall otherwise remain nameless.

Citing her own experiences, Sarah admitted that she understood how some women might consider abortion, like when "for a fleeting moment" she considered having an abortion when she learned of her son Trig's prognosis.

Well thankfully our li'l ice princess soon realized the truth: that abortion is morally wrong and women should carry a fetus to term, no ifs, ands, or buts about it!

"It may not be the easiest path, but it's always the right path," she said.

ALWAYS! FOR EVERYONE! EVERY TIME! WITHOUT EXCEPTION, NO MATTER WHAT!

She did it, now the rest of you are also going to have your babies, whether you like it or not, got it gals?

Ever hear of a little thing called grrrrrl power?

But you betcha keeping gross illegals out of the U.S.of A, and surprise fetuses in the womb, isn't the only issue on $arah's rather large, meat-filled, buffet style plate.

Miss Alaska is also taking her bad, leather jacket sportin' self on the road, across real (rural) America to help elect real, conservative women who know how to field dress a moose (and deadbeat ex-boyfriends of slutty daughters), and restore intelligent, sound policy ideas like drill, baby drill! and live, fetus live! back to elitist ol' Washington, DC.

Palin challenged Republican women, or "mama grizzlies" as she calls 'em to help the GOP "take this country back" by electing lawmakers who want to turn the clock back on rights for anyone who is not a white, male landowner.

"You don't want to mess with moms who are rising up," Palin said. "If you thought pit bulls were tough, you don't want to mess with mama grizzlies."

You betcha, they'll rip your freakin' head clean off your neck! And then toss the delicious remains on the barbie 'cause why else would God make meat?

$arah then read a few more lies from her hand about Obama's health care plan to murder Grandma and special needs babies across America, and had a few choice words for the evil lamestream media for destroying her perfect daughter Bristol's pristine reputation as the knocked-up high school daughter of pure Alaskan royalty.

"Choosing life was the right road, the right choice. ... It hasn't been easy and society, culture sure hasn't been easy on her," Palin said. "Wow, our culture and our media has made it rough on her."

What with all the money and publicity and perks and privileges they so rudely thrust on her, forcing her to be all rich and famous and make videos urging people to pause before having sex and getting an abortion, if their families aren't rich and famous like hers, but instead gross and poor like lots o' other families.

She said some young women would see what happened to Bristol and perhaps be encouraged to seek an abortion instead of facing similar criticism for being a dumb whore who can't keep her hooha zipped up long enough to graduate high school without having to eat for two.

Casting herself as a victim of a liberal media and elite academics, poor, misunderstood $arah said, "Some of them refused to admit I'm even a woman."

Ya know, cause women are usually sweet 'n nice, and don't try to destroy other women who actually use their brains, or don't take advantage of the fact that they too have fertile wombs, ample lactating breasts, and other fun baby makin' parts! 

Perhaps if she put on some lipstick and an apron, we wouldn't be so confused. Or actually helped women do anything other than keep unwanted buns in their ovens, or appear as targets in her election crosshairs to be unseated by real, Republican women who aren't afraid of getting their hands dirty (with oil, baby oil!) or donning a white hood and robe from time to time when shoving more than a few Democratic women out of the way.

America's newest FemiNAZI Sarah Palin knows all about the "new feminist movement" with an “emerging conservative feminist identity” of being both hateful and mindblowingly stupid while collectin' moose piles o' money from the good, God-fearin' folks in small, rural communities throughout the Lower 48.

"I kinda feel a connection to that tough, gun totin’ pioneer feminism," $arah said.

"For far too long, when people heard the word feminist, they thought of the faculty lounge at some East Coast woman’s college," she said.

Which everyone knows is really just code for big ol' man-hating dykes. 

“And no offense to them, they have their opinions and their voice and God bless ‘em, that’s great, but that’s not the only voice of women in America.”

There's the shrill, ignorant, semi-educated voices too! What about them, huh?

Of course, some of the pioneering feminists in Democratic politics (ahem, Lesbos) aren't as enamored of sweet Sarah or her unique brand of fosterin' women's rights by slowly dissolving them for personal political gain. Not to mention monetary!

“She tries to have it both ways,” said former Rep. Patricia Schroeder (D-Colo.), who made a brief run for president in 1987. “If you remember when she first got the vice president nomination she talked about reaching out to Geraldine Ferraro, trying to tie herself into that legacy. Now she’s going to go get blood on her teeth, go out there and growl at them.”

What else would you expect mama grizzlies to do? Rub and cuddle and sing soft lullabies?

“Those women have been out there making the hard decisions for the country and she decided to bail rather than make those hard decisions,” she added, referring to Palin’s decision to resign as governor of Alaska before the end of her term.

Well, excuuuuuuse her for having a Facebook page to run! Ugh, silly women and their jealousy!

Another Democratic trailblazer, former Rep. Elizabeth Holtzman (D-N.Y.), who is currently running for state attorney general in New York, says Palin’s targeting of other women is particularly egregious because of how she landed on the national stage.

“She was elected, she was promoted, she was given the opportunity to run for vice president because she was a woman. Somewhere inside, there should be something that says, ‘don’t kick them in the teeth, don’t look down on other women,’” said Holtzman.

Unless that something happens to be a li'l bundle of joy, I'm afraid Miss Palin lacks that particular quality known as empathy of which you speak.
 
“It certainly doesn’t help the cause of trying to get more women in Congress now, because I think as a whole I think we do a good job of working together, the women members,” Rep. Betsy Markey (D-Colo.) told POLITICO.

“What Sarah Palin is doing simply doesn’t promote the idea that as women we all work together, whether you’re a Democrat or a Republican.”

Unless you mean working together to deny people rights. Because no one cooperates quite like sweet $arah when it comes to dividing people or duping the public into one big, Get $arah Rich Quick scheme.

According to Marjorie Dannenfelser, president of the Susan B. Anthony List, a group dedicated to electing women who oppose abortion rights, "The fact that women feel a little bit more likely now to be able to look feminine...is a great thing, because it means that at least we’re not trying to be the same people anymore. We know that we’re different, we know that we’re equal."

'Cept when it comes to the color of our skin (brown ladies scram!), having control over our own bodies (father knows best!), or in the wonderwoman from Wasilla's case, an IQ functioning above the level of a wanderin', five-colleges-in-five-years drifter with no skills to speak of other than squeezing out almost as much cold, hard cash from the American people as warm, soft miracles from her still-smokin' hot bod.

Welcome to the new Feminist Mystique, Mama Grizzly style!

Hurricane $arah Storms Through Oregon, Destroying All Intelligent Life In Its Wake

Category 5 Hurricane $arah Louise made landfall in wacky tobacky smokin' Eugene, Oregon for a li'l one-on-one session with "everyday, hard-working Americans," who make the great Beaver State the red hot, gun crackin', gay bashing, immigrant hatin', bastion of the hard Right we know and love today. Or at least in $arah Palin's demented mind, that is.

Either way, the Barracuda knows there's no better way to soften a skeptical, left-leaning crowd then with a few, well-placed jokes (written by someone with actual talent) about dumb liberals and their dumb policies always trying to help the poors improve their lives. Haha suckers!

And boy was Miss Alaska on a roll!

Stormin' into Oregon to speak at the Lane County Republican’s Lincoln Dinner, $arah Palin Inc. (all $12 million worth), rolled out the usual pleas for electing more "small government" (chicken bartering?), "free market" candidates who will help get this country back on the white, err, right track by drilling for oil in wildlife preserves and sendin' those stinkin' Mexicans back to Mexicanland, or wherever it is they came from.

"It's the belief that the government who governs least governs best," she said, with nary a glance at the inside of her palm as reminder.

Of course, before diving into her substantive speech of truncated action verbs, cheesy, patriotic campaign slogans, and semi-coherent cliches, $arah felt compelled to address the hilarious notion of such a noted(?) rightwing crank speaking in arugula-eating, animal protectin', baby-abortin', liberal-leanin' Eugene.

Like how she did a Google search (the Internet is not just for liberals anymore, my friends!) before her trip, and found an article that described the town as "hippie" and "granola," and in love with its organic food. Ugh, perverts! Guess this is what happens when you let gays get married.

"I eat granola," Palin said. "I just happen to shoot and catch my organic food before I eat it."

Oh, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Then I hang it on my wall and call it furniture, wink wink!

"Here I am in Track Town USA and my kid's name is Track. How Eugene hippie can that be?" she joked.

Oh, $arah you're right. You're a total hippie! The kind that loves all things natural and pure (like herself and tasty meaty things to shoot 'n skin), enjoys ca$hing in on other people's misfortune, and is very Jesus-like especially when protectin' other women's fetuses, and prosecuting college kids for correctly guessing the asinine password some dumb, lipstick wearing maverick chose for the very important, secure Yahoo! email she uses for conducting official Alaska state business.

But the funniest bits weren't these knee-slapping opening zingers or any of the hilarious jokes she didn't write, but rather the rest of her 40-minute war on intelligence and massacring of the English language.

"Only a limited government can provide the best path," she said, portraying her majestic self as a populist (like most popular right?) Washington outsider and vigilant government watchdog. Err, more like Arctic wolf?

"Trying to keep up with what they’re up to and to keep them and the press accountable has really become a full-time job," she said.

And everyone knows $arah doesn't really do the whole "full-time job" thing, unless it comes with a few mil upfront and/or involves ranting on her favoritest Facebook.

"We have to make sure this 'Obamacare' is short-lived," she said. "It felt so forced upon us. It was so forced upon us."

Kinda like some lipstick wearing maverick pig hockey mom forced upon the unsuspecting public by a desperate, old man in the final throes of a losing battle against Barack Obama and creeping dementia.

"Production of our resources means security for Americans and jobs for American workers," she said.

Someone needs to clean up the oil spills, no? Unless we want the gross Mexicans to do it, which I don't think would be very American of us, now would it?

Much like her expertise on all security matters, including nuclear proliferation (those puffy round pastries are soooo yummy!), $arah fancies herself quite the li'l environmentalist, arguing that America needs to drill, baby drill in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge because our country already has more stringent environmental restrictions than many of the foreign, third-world nations we currently rely on for oil. No fair-zees!

"So environmentalists are kind of hypocritical on this one," she said. "I don't know how environmentalists can sleep at night."

Perhaps the field of poppies helps?

Of course, no $arah Palin appearance would be complete taking aim at the "lamestream" media locked in her crosshairs (metaphorically speaking of course), who are clearly conspiring with the political left to discredit sweet $arah and bring down her loyal Benjamin Franklin dressed followers carrying swastikas and Hitler signs and wearing teabags (not flowers) in their hair.

"Sometimes they are kind of one in the same," she said. "We call them the 'lame-stream' media lately."

The royal we of me and my blue-eyed angel Glenny, that is, who know the terrible mainstream media's always makin' stuff up about the beautiful human bags of tea always protestin' and fussin' for the freedom to have a white president again.

"The left, well, they had to grab hold of something to discredit," she said. "The press then just started making things up. I've had to deal with that for quite some time now."

Yes, life can be so hard when the media keeps makin' you a star, and you keep rakin' in millions of dollars doin' nothing 'cept maybe give a "speech" off your hand in fake America every so often.

Naturally, the evil, elitist media was subject to strict guidelines from the Palin camp, lest any free-wheelin' journylist tried to give the Ice Empress any trouble with fancy liberal questions like "What newspapers do you read?" (Ha, not this time my friends!)

Per usual, no cameras or recording devices of any kind were allowed and reporters were only allowed to watch the speech on a video feed in an adjacent room. Speech organizers provided one photo of the event taken by a hired photographer. And as with an $arah event, audience members were pre-selected and all questions pre-screened, just in case any rogues showed up.

Like the two dozen or so protesters gathered outside the Eugene Hilton, who $arah addressed by saying it was nice to see she had "greeters" outside.

She also said her daughter, Bristol, perhaps being a little too naïve, went down and chatted with them before sending mama bear a cell phone picture of them on the sidewalk.

Whoa, whoa, Bristol, naive??? C'mon! I simply cannot believe such an outrageous lie! Sounds like a stunt MSNBC might pull. You're better than that Sar!

Then, Eugene City Councilwoman Jennifer Solomon read a pre-screened (is there any other kind?) question from the audience about her role at Fox News.

Palin said she was proud to be a part of Fox News for being "fair and balanced," (in her unfair, imbalanced mind) and praised Fox host Glenn Beck, saying with "his chalkboard technique he’s changing our country."

One Vick's Vapo Rub-induced tear at a time.

Maybe one day (when Jesus returns?), the whole country will have the distinct privilege of listening to a home-schooled man (use a public-school instrument) to teach all about how the evil Greenpeace hippie Left is destroying Neo-Nazis and other "progressive Right" groups so vital to our nation's future success.

Guess it's no surprise that after attending five colleges (yes, she took the wandering drifter approach to higher education), Miss Wasilla Wonder developed a fondness for the chalk board technique.

Anything to distract from whatever the hell kind of ozone-destroying, soul-crushing toxic waste is spewing from her mouth, shaded perfectly with her new lipstick tested exclusively on endangered animals.

Special needs Albino foxes, not included.

Bristol Palin's Very Important Public Service Announcement Warning Poor People To Pause Before Having Abortions

Hey America, it's me, Bristol coming to you live (and most certainly edited) to give you, the public, a very important public service announcement about what happens when you, the bored daughter of Alaskan royalty, decide to get drunk and make maverick (aka no jimmy hat) sexytime with hotty boy toy Levi Johnston in the back of Papa Todd's pickup.

Now, imagine for a moment, if you were not the famous daughter of Alaskan legend $arah Palin, and didn't have moose piles of money layin' around, and your hair went from being silky smooth and beautiful to ugly and frizzy, and all your decorative animal carcass furniture was magically taken away by invisible, probably liberal, hands??

Then maybe you too would think twice (which is one more than once!) about whippin' out the hooha every time Levi gets a hankerin' and mom's off shootin' mammals or makin' a quick buck in the mainland.

Or you my li'l pistol, may find yourself miserable and alone, wearing a plain white t-shirt with no fancy designer labels, and nothing but a ratty sofa and precious li'l miracle of Jesus to call your own.

So please America, take it from Bristol and PAUSE BEFORE YOU PLAY...

Then feel free to have tons of meaningless, unprotected sex, and if you're gross, and not famous, and also pathetically poor, probably go ahead and have that abortion too.

Or keep your precious li'l miracle of one drunken night of bad judgment, use Mommy's money to launch your very own one-woman abstinence-only crusade (encouraging people to do the opposite of what you did), and remain the famously unwed teenage mother of the next weirdo-named (accidental) heir to the Alaskan throne.

For freedom!

If You Can't Beat 'Em, Join 'Em: Sarah Palin Goes Rogue With Elitist Media Queen Oprah

Rogue author and GOP sexpot from the snowy north Sarah Palin graced us sinners and traitors in the Lower 48 to talk about her favorite subject other than herself (no not Facebook, Levi Johnston of course!) on that popular chocolate lady's television show, Orpah, Oprah or whatever it's called.

Speaking to the talk show queen, the queen of Alaska had some choice words for baby daddy and former Bristol beau, Levi Johnston's (or shall we say Ricky Hollywood's) recent extracurricular activities.

Un-Christian activities such as running around like some cheap media whore and engaging in "aspiring porn" when he should be spending quality time with his 11-month old son, Tripp.

Let's not mince words here. Sarah Palin knows sexual deviance when she sees it and Levi err Ricky's little bare-all Playgirl photo shoot, featuring not one but two "hockey sticks," is exactly that.

"I call that porn," Palin explained, adding that "some of the things that he is doing is kind of heartbreaking."

However, Palin said that she continues to "hope for the best, and pray for Levi," before blasting the no-good lying bastard for shirking his duties as a father in order to hobnob with the elitist media to promote his new-found ambitions as an actor, model, and professional nudist.

"He hasn’t seen the baby much while he has been on his media tours," Palin said.

But his legs aren't the only thing Levi's been spreading. How about all those terrible lies about Sarah's perfectly wonderful family?? None of which have even a single grain of truth to them, she'll have you know!

When asked about her plans for 2012, Palin said that a presidential run in two years is "not on my radar screen right now."

“I am dealing with so many issues that are important to me," she said. "What I am seeing every day is that you don’t need a title to be important."

Or as you taught us, sweet Sarah, you don't need to be important to have a title.

You just need a hot bod, nice shade of lipstick, minimum brain activity, radical views and a desperate old man willing to bet the house on an untested Alaskan maverick who listens only to the soothing voice of Jesus Christ...and Glenn Beck. Oh and snagging that $7 million signing bonus didn't hurt either.

Forget Moose, Sarah Palin's About To Field Dress Levi Johnston

19-year-old Alaskan daddy Levi Johnston shot to stardom by impregnating abstinence-only crusader and female role model Bristol Palin, whose mother just happens to be the most powerful woman in Alaska! At least before she upped and quit her job of running the damn state in order to make boatloads of money hawking her book to sinners and elitists in the "lower 48."

Well anyway now that he's a real celebrity and all, Levi Johnston figured he'd take a break from appearing on talk shows, pursuing his own book deal or modeling contract and maybe "getting into some movies or something" while also working as a carpenter to share his take on the real reason his almost Mother-in-law decided to abruptly resign as governor of the great state of Alaska.

Johnston, who lived with the Palin family from early December to the second week in January in order to have lots of premarital sex with his baby mama Bristol, claimed he heard the governor say how nice it would be to take advantage of the lucrative deals being offered, such as "books, talk shows, whatever, things like that."

"She had talked about how nice it would be to take some of this money people had been offering us and you know just run with it, say 'forget everything else,'" he said.

"I've seen how stressful this job was for her, and she came home late at night and things like that." But, Johnston added, "I think the big deal was the book. That was millions of dollars."

So there you have it people. Straight from Levi's lips to your ears: Sarah Palin wanted to get rich from being Alaska's most famous export but was too lazy to be governor at the same time. OMG, alert the presses!

Mama Bear Sarah Palin Protects Her Young

Thank You, Thank You

Well, well, well, what have we got here? It's none other than cuddly Republican superstars Rush Limbaugh, Sarah Palin and George W. Bush! So what brings this unlikely trio of intellectuals together, you ask?

This past week has seen them each utter pearls of wisdom so inspiring, they deserve an awards ceremony all their own. Hmm, why don't we call it the "Say Whaaaat?" awards and check out our esteemed trophy-winners.

And the gold goes to...None other than America's fave snow bunny, Sarah Palin, for exposing "pathetic" late night comedian David Letterman as the despicable pedophile and woman-hating monster that he is.

Mr. Funnyman decided to slap Miss Palin and the rest of the women in this country in the face by joking about, "An awkward moment for Sarah Palin at the Yankee game, when during the seventh inning, her daughter was knocked up by Alex Rodriguez."

Omg, the nerve! It's one thing to make fun of her oldest daughter, 18-year-old abstinence crusader and unwed mother of one, Bristol Palin. But to go after their young and supple 14-year-old daughter Willow? For shame! Can Sarah ever find it in her big Alaskan heart to forgive the sicko?

"I will always forgive whomever is asking for forgiveness. It goes beyond, though, David Letterman's crude, sexist, perverted joke about a 14-year-old girl being, quote-unquote, "knocked up by Alex Rodriguez." I think he's like 30-some years old. I think that that's, you know, pretty perverted."

Wink, wink.

Not one to like second-place honors, sadly George W. Bush came up just short of the gold, claiming the silver-medal for his brilliant words about his papa George H.W. Bush skydiving on his 85th birthday.

"Just because you're old, that doesn't mean you can't do fun stuff. And you don't want to sit around drooling in the corner. And so it's a wonderful release...And you know, because I was president it sends a message all around. Go out and get something doing. Just 'cause...old guys can still have fun and still do stuff."

Alright, now please "get something doing" like jump out of a plane. Sans the parachute. Hehe, if you're manly enough. Y'all catch my drift?

Last but not least we have Rush Limbaugh, whose savvy words about Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor's broken ankle earned him bronze-medal honors as the biggest loser of all the winners. Yeah!

"I hope [Sotomayor] can find a wise Latina doctor to set that ankle, as opposed to an average white doctor."

Don't be silly Rush. I'm sure you can recommend a good one, seeing as you have so much experience doctor-shopping and all.

A Diamond Is Forever; Bristol Palin And Levi Johnston Not So Much

Parting Is Such Sweet Sorrow

Oh no! America's favorite role models for unwed teenage pregnancies you don't regret but just wished happened ten years later, Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston have called off their engagement. A stunning twist in what otherwise was a perfect, fairy tale romance.

The heart-breaking news comes just 2 1/2 months after 18-year-old Bristol gave birth to the happy former couple's first child, a baby boy named Tripp.

Bristol and 19-year-old baby daddy Levi Johnston were planning to get married after they completed high school, but instead have decided to go their separate ways.

Although details of the split are unclear, the break-up apparently happened a "few weeks ago" and was a "mutual decision," despite some nasty rumors swirling on the internet involving the words "Levi" and "white trash." Preposterous, I know.

Of course, Levi is still committed to being a "hands-on dad" and the best father possible to their infant son Tripp. Levi's so dedicated to his son that he might even look for a job since that whole oil field gig didn't work out too well for him.

Bristol, meanwhile, is doing well, and is currently attending Wasilla High and considering enrolling in college next fall to study nursing and learn alternatives to abstinence-only education, like how condoms can help prevent babies from growing inside of you.

As far as her newfound motherhood affecting her college aspirations, Bristol isn't worried. She'll just hand off little Tripp to Mama Bear Sarah Palin. She'd never mind one more miracle of God.

Gasp! "Virginity-Pledging" Teens Gone Wild

Guess what?

A new study finds that teenagers who pledge to remain virgins until marriage are just as likely as to become raging sluts as those who do not promise to be pure and abstinent until they are properly wedded in the eyes of God and man.

But that's not all. The same teenagers who took a "virginity pledge" were not only just as likely to engage in sinful premarital sex as those who didn't, but were significantly less likely to use condoms and other forms of birth control than their hedonist, non-pledging counterparts.

Blasphemy!

So what does Janet Rosenbaum, the "rabble-rouser" and public health expert who authored the study have to say for herself?

"Taking a pledge doesn't seem to make any difference at all in any sexual behavior. But it does seem to make a difference in condom use and other forms of birth control that is quite striking."

Striking? Everyone knows abstinence-only sex education programs work perfectly well, condoms are evil rubber tubes of sin, STD's are god's way of punishing promiscuity, and unprotected sex does not lead to unwanted pregnancies.

It's those damn storks gone wild. Why, what did you think happened to Bristol Palin?