Bristol Palin Is Taking A Break From Her Abstinence Crusade To Be The Yo-Yo Ma Of Bad After-School Specials

Like OMG! Did you hear the amazing, Twitterific news about America's favoritest knocked-up, unwed teenage hero and world-famous abstinence crusader, the voice of an entire generation (no, no not Kanye!), Bristol Palin??

Turns out, the famous daughter of Alaskan legend $arah Palin was soooooooo successful in her very important public service announcement warning horny, young teens across the US of A about what happens when you, the bored daughter of Alaskan royalty decide to get drunk, whip out the hooha, and make maverick sexytime every time Mama's off huntin' liberals, or on another one of her get-rich-quick tours in the mainland, that Hollywood has once again come-a-callin!

And Lord knows when Tinseltown calls, you betcha Bristol's pickin' up the phone! Like, duh!

Fresh off her Academy Award-deserving sexytime service announcement warning poor people to pause before having abortions, THE Bristol Palin will make her prime-time Hollywood debut on the new show The Secret Life of the American Teenager coming July 5th.

Oooh sounds sexy!

And what better way to celebrate America's freedom (from poor dental hygiene and terrible World Cup goalies) than with another sublime performance by legendary teenage baby mama Bristol Palin on America’s favorite and family-valuesiest teevee network, ABC Family?

Judging by the wonderful clip pre-released to the public, this one's got Emmy written all over it. I don't know if there is a time limit (like say, a one minute cut-off), but if there was ever a 38-second masterpiece, this baby is it!

Bristol: "Do you have a son or a daughter?"
Bristol look-alike: "I have a son."
Bristol: "Me too."
Look-alike: "Um, how did you know I had a baby, (nervous laughter)...and, and you have a son?"
Bristol: "We're all teen moms...and musicians!"
Look-alike: "Everyone in this program?"
Bristol: "The program is for teen moms!"
Look-alike: "So I didn't get here on my own?
Bristol: "Haha, of course you did!" "You're the world's greatest french horn player and I am Yo-Yo Ma...C'mon, we have to get going."

I know, I know, mesmerizing! You would have to be dead or a zombie (Bristol acting?) to not be positively blown away by this superb gift of acting genius that Bristol and ABC Family have so generously unleashed upon the good 'merican people!

It is so patriotic and thoughtful of Bristol to educate the whole, wide world about teenage moms who are also musicians at music camp, and all the awesome, fun stuff they do (that is, once the little rascal slipped the hell out of the ol' uterus) together like raising li'l miracles of God, all the while making beautiful music that pierces the soul!

Of course, sweet Bristol had no trouble memorizing all those difficult lines, since "I'm Yo-Yo Ma" is exactly what she tells li'l Trigger (Tripp knows who his mama is) every day, when the lamestream media's not around to blow up her spot.

Speaking of blowing, too bad Bristol had to play some weirdo Commie Red cellist Yo-Yo Ma or Blah or whatever, instead of what she really wanted to be, the world's greatest French Horn player!

She could have really used the practice. Would have saved her a heckuva lot of trouble! Like 9 whole months!

Plus another 18 years.