Oh no-zees! Did you hear the wild, earth-shattering news broken by that liberal elitist rag for hippie-dippie stoners and druggie rockstars, Rolling Stone?
No, no not what Lady Gaga wasn't wearing under her latest hideous ensemble that fashion experts are calling some sort of "dress."
The one about that psychotic commanding officer of all U.S. troops in Afghanistan, Gen. Stanley McChrystal whose obnoxious, petty, schoolgirl statements to Rolling Stone may just have cost his skinny, traitorous ass his job overseeing our entire "Kill Muslims" operation in the parched desert mountains of Tora Bora. Crazy, I know!
I mean who knew Rolling Stone still existed as an actual published magazine, read by real carbon-based, oxygen breathing human subscribers!?!
Well, turns out one of their intrepid reporters was taken off his very important Kei$ha beat to go to bumblef**k Afghanistan to get the scoop on all those He-Man GI Joe military macho types running around huntin' for Taliban and Osama bin Laden while spending their spare time bashing the recently elected DEMONcratic Obama administration, and all the arugula-eating liberal pussies prancing around the Oval Office in their silk robes and bunny slippers who comprise it.
Especially that no-good, terrible, weak Commander-in-Chief, Barack Hussein NObama who was “uncomfortable and intimidated” during a meeting with a bunch of generals.
"It was a 10-minute photo op,” said an adviser to McChrystal. “Obama clearly didn’t know anything about him, who he was. Here’s the guy who’s going to run his fucking war, but he didn’t seem very engaged. The Boss was pretty disappointed."Wait, Bruce Springsteen was at the White House??
Oh, you mean their Boss man, the "Runaway General" Stan McChrystal Meth, I get it now!
Ha ha, what kind of loser nerd doesn't feel completely relaxed and totally at ease around a bunch of hot headed, career fatigues sportin' AK-47s strapped across their chests, whose professional goals include trying to kill as many dark skinned, turban-wearing people as is (in)humanly possible.
Probably a big gay wad that's who! Not as "fucking gay" as say the prospect of General Stanley "100% Pure All-Beef " McChrystal having to meet with some pansy French government officer or what not, but still!
But that's not all the meany comments McChrystal's posse of strapping, red-faced warmongers had to say about top White House officials, who don't even have the balls to go around murdering people for a living!
Like National Security Advisor James Jones who McChrystal's gang lovingly referred to as a "clown stuck in 1985" or the administration’s Afghan-Pakistan envoy, Richard Holbrooke, who one McChrystal
Oooh, sounds sexy!
They even make fun of Holbrooke's boring, dumb emails who no one, least of all McChrystal, ever wants to open, let alone read! It makes him feel dizzy and then his eyes start to get blurry and it looks like he's crying. And he NEVER, EVER cries under ANY circumstance, you got that? That's for girls and gays, only!
And just wait til you get a load of the hilarious stuff they said about legendary comedian and current Vice President Joe Biden, who we were under the mistaken impression is positively adored by every human being living on this planet. Not so, my friends, not so!
Asked about his feelings on the war strategy emphasized by a military NOBODY like ol' Joe, which focuses on the border region of Afghanistan and Pakistan with fewer troops and more drone attacks, Gen. McChrystal scoffed at such pussy talk, struggling to come up with a solid one-liner that would really make him look cool in front of his subordinates.
"Are you asking about Vice President Biden," Gen. McChystal reportedly jokes. "Who's that?"
And then one of his equally funny aides says, “Biden? Did you say ‘Bite me?’”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA OMG, GET IT?? Because it like almost rhymes, and also proves they don't much care for smarty bookworm types who think of war in terms of strategy and action plans instead of blowing sh*t up and shooting Muslim motherf**kers every darn, stinkin' chance they get.
But the real question now becomes, what the hell is Barry gonna do with America's favoritest, unstable "Runaway General" who talks smack about his superiors in the White House, such as the actual President of the United States, when talking on the record to reporters at national pop culture magazines?
Of course, one would think this might be the exact time to act like an actual, reasonable adult not a childish buffoon, especially with all the scary death and destruction that usually accompanies working in a nightmarish war zone hellhole.
Well not Mr. Crazy-Ass McChrystal, whose daily grind of sleeping four hours a night, running seven miles every morning, and eating just one measly meal a day makes him less of an actual human being and more of a terrifying robot war machine. Dare I even say, a predator drone?
So, anyway Barry is lucky enough to get to go mano-y-mano with this camouflaged nutjob and explain very calmly why he is being publicly skewered and privately fired for acting like a smug third grader with severe ADHD, and a disturbing history of torturing small animals, and probably babies too.
From Rolling Stone's Runaway General:
"The dinner comes with the position, sir," explained his chief of staff, Col. Charlie Flynn.A real charmer, that Stan! How can you not love this guy?
McChrystal turns sharply in his chair.
"Hey, Charlie," he asks, "does this come with the position?"
McChrystal gives him the middle finger.
Hopefully, President Obama will decide to send McChrystal somewhere desolate and deserted, where they welcome dangerous rogues who defy their superiors, and live for the delicious smell of scorched flesh, smart bombs, and freshly spilled blood in the morning.
Wasilla?? Or perhaps somewhere nice 'n warm like Arizona or Guantanamo, if it makes him feel more comfortable and at home?
Errr, at least as comfortable as possible for a cold-blooded assassin whose only friend is a shiny metal tube and handle that goes "BOOM!" when you pull that cute li'l button sharing the same adorable name as $arah Palin's youngest and special neediest miracle of God, Trigger!
"Besides, the public eye has never been a place where McChrystal felt comfortable: Before President Obama put him in charge of the war in Afghanistan, he spent five years running the Pentagon’s most secretive black ops."OMG, this guy sounds like a complete and utter lunatic! Quick, someone alert Michael Steele, I think we've found the perfect Grand Old Psychopath to lead the Grand Old Party back from the brink of extinction to a place they know and love so well: the brink of war.
But thanks to dovey NObama, there probably won't even be such a thing as war anymore.
Then what will poor McChrystal do for the rest of his twilight years? Join the Peace Corps and take up crocheting?
Ugh, and to think some people actually think war is hell! Ha, more like hella awesome!!