The Beat Goes On: The Still Pumping (Though Still Not Feeling) "Heart" Of Deadeye Dick

There may be ten (declassified?) ways America's former Vice President of Doom Darth Vader Dick Cheney can kill you, and likely rip your-still beating heart right out of your chest, but oddly enough, there only seems to be one way to kill him, err at least try. But, much like his eight-year reign of hell, even offing the bastard doesn't seem to have a very high success rate.

Which is a darn shame, too! Guess you can't always get what you want?

Former Vice President Dick Cheney has been admitted to George Washington University Hospital due to unspecified discomfort. The 69-year-old conservative has a history of heart disease and surgery, including a bypass 22 years ago, which didn’t end the problem; Cheney suffered his fifth heart attack since age 37 six months ago. Nine years ago, doctors installed a pacemaker, and just two years ago, he received an electric shock treatment to restore a normal rhythm to his heart. This time, Cheney simply reported some discomfort and has been admitted for the weekend to undergo testing.

Oh irony of ironies! When we, the schmucky public, simply reported feeling some unspecified discomfort during his almost decade long terror spree, we too were admitted to a secure location to undergo testing.

Main difference being, of course, that our secure location wasn't a renowned, cozy hospital in metropolitan D.C., but a secret terrorist compound in scary, remote Guantanamo Bay. And our testing consisted not of state-of-the-art computers gently monitoring our tired, overworked hearts, but wires strapped to our testicles and/or other delicate parts, not-so-gently measuring how much pain living persons can withstand before passing out unconscious.

All this before being promptly resuscitated with a continuous bath of ice-cold Evian 'til we, gasping for air, and positive we were drowning, begged for sweet mercy, blindfolded and strapped upside down to a wooden table, in some creepy prison cell in Communist Cuba.

Oh yeah, and another tiny difference is those "patients" never came back. Must have been all the first-class, one-on-one medical attention given to 'em!

This maniac, on the other hand, keeps going and going and going and going...

Sort of like the Energizer bunny. If the lovable pink li'l bugger was really a demonic sociopath with a permanent sneer and a sick fetish for making people squeal like stuck little piggies, who scoffs at mortal things like five heart attacks (for freedom!) all before the spry age of 69.

Ha ha, you're gonna need to bring more than a handful of major organ failures (pussy!) to turn this red hot Dick cold and flaccid.

Dude didn't even come out in daylight during his vice-presidential tenure ruining America; it was only after NObama became The Decider that ol' Dick decided unleash his adorable mug and soothing, melodious voice 24/7 on the unsuspecting public like some never-ending, Barry-bashing nightmare.

"Am I the evil genius in the corner that nobody ever sees come out of his hole? It's a nice way to operate, actually," Cheney joked, mocking his nickname "Darth Vader" during a 2004 interview.

Unlike those other lame, weak-kneed Republicans with silly consciences who acknowledged mistakes were made after 9/11, and expressed doubts about unlawful, indefinite detentions and/or torturing terror suspects in U.S. custody, Dick didn't so much as think twice.

"I feel very good about what we did. I think it was the right thing to do. If I was faced with those circumstances again, I'd do exactly the same thing," he said.

Oh, Dick! They sure don't call you that for nothing!

Hell, even heart attacks are scared sh*tless of this lunatic freak of nature.

Sure, it may be true that only the good die young. But only the Epically Evil defy death five times since disco was cool and and a straight man could look sexy in skin-tight hiphuggers, while wiggling his hips and thrusting one finger into the air, up and down across his body.

And judging by his body of work twisted trail of death and destruction, looks like this Dick's got a good 50-plus years ahead of him.

Assuming he is comprised of actual oxygen, carbon, inorganic salts, lipids, carbohydrates, billions of cells, nucleic acids, and other trace elements, not poisonous gas, crude oil, corporate power, various machinery, fat gobs of blubber, pure bitterness and unbridled rage.

On the bright side, his corpulent hide could be the exact plug we've been looking for to stop that darn leaking hole in the gulf.

Something tells me he won't mind. After all, he's always been a huge fan of gushing water-based solutions to problems.

Not to mention, all that oil helps keep his artificial body parts free of corrosion, rust, and those awful squeaks, squeals, and screeches.

Ugh, those noises can be so unpleasant when coming from places other than human mouths!