The Beat Goes On: The Still Pumping (Though Still Not Feeling) "Heart" Of Deadeye Dick

There may be ten (declassified?) ways America's former Vice President of Doom Darth Vader Dick Cheney can kill you, and likely rip your-still beating heart right out of your chest, but oddly enough, there only seems to be one way to kill him, err at least try. But, much like his eight-year reign of hell, even offing the bastard doesn't seem to have a very high success rate.

Which is a darn shame, too! Guess you can't always get what you want?

Former Vice President Dick Cheney has been admitted to George Washington University Hospital due to unspecified discomfort. The 69-year-old conservative has a history of heart disease and surgery, including a bypass 22 years ago, which didn’t end the problem; Cheney suffered his fifth heart attack since age 37 six months ago. Nine years ago, doctors installed a pacemaker, and just two years ago, he received an electric shock treatment to restore a normal rhythm to his heart. This time, Cheney simply reported some discomfort and has been admitted for the weekend to undergo testing.

Oh irony of ironies! When we, the schmucky public, simply reported feeling some unspecified discomfort during his almost decade long terror spree, we too were admitted to a secure location to undergo testing.

Main difference being, of course, that our secure location wasn't a renowned, cozy hospital in metropolitan D.C., but a secret terrorist compound in scary, remote Guantanamo Bay. And our testing consisted not of state-of-the-art computers gently monitoring our tired, overworked hearts, but wires strapped to our testicles and/or other delicate parts, not-so-gently measuring how much pain living persons can withstand before passing out unconscious.

All this before being promptly resuscitated with a continuous bath of ice-cold Evian 'til we, gasping for air, and positive we were drowning, begged for sweet mercy, blindfolded and strapped upside down to a wooden table, in some creepy prison cell in Communist Cuba.

Oh yeah, and another tiny difference is those "patients" never came back. Must have been all the first-class, one-on-one medical attention given to 'em!

This maniac, on the other hand, keeps going and going and going and going...

Sort of like the Energizer bunny. If the lovable pink li'l bugger was really a demonic sociopath with a permanent sneer and a sick fetish for making people squeal like stuck little piggies, who scoffs at mortal things like five heart attacks (for freedom!) all before the spry age of 69.

Ha ha, you're gonna need to bring more than a handful of major organ failures (pussy!) to turn this red hot Dick cold and flaccid.

Dude didn't even come out in daylight during his vice-presidential tenure ruining America; it was only after NObama became The Decider that ol' Dick decided unleash his adorable mug and soothing, melodious voice 24/7 on the unsuspecting public like some never-ending, Barry-bashing nightmare.

"Am I the evil genius in the corner that nobody ever sees come out of his hole? It's a nice way to operate, actually," Cheney joked, mocking his nickname "Darth Vader" during a 2004 interview.

Unlike those other lame, weak-kneed Republicans with silly consciences who acknowledged mistakes were made after 9/11, and expressed doubts about unlawful, indefinite detentions and/or torturing terror suspects in U.S. custody, Dick didn't so much as think twice.

"I feel very good about what we did. I think it was the right thing to do. If I was faced with those circumstances again, I'd do exactly the same thing," he said.

Oh, Dick! They sure don't call you that for nothing!

Hell, even heart attacks are scared sh*tless of this lunatic freak of nature.

Sure, it may be true that only the good die young. But only the Epically Evil defy death five times since disco was cool and and a straight man could look sexy in skin-tight hiphuggers, while wiggling his hips and thrusting one finger into the air, up and down across his body.

And judging by his body of work twisted trail of death and destruction, looks like this Dick's got a good 50-plus years ahead of him.

Assuming he is comprised of actual oxygen, carbon, inorganic salts, lipids, carbohydrates, billions of cells, nucleic acids, and other trace elements, not poisonous gas, crude oil, corporate power, various machinery, fat gobs of blubber, pure bitterness and unbridled rage.

On the bright side, his corpulent hide could be the exact plug we've been looking for to stop that darn leaking hole in the gulf.

Something tells me he won't mind. After all, he's always been a huge fan of gushing water-based solutions to problems.

Not to mention, all that oil helps keep his artificial body parts free of corrosion, rust, and those awful squeaks, squeals, and screeches.

Ugh, those noises can be so unpleasant when coming from places other than human mouths!

Trying 9/11 Terrorists In NY? Eh. Rudy's Just Glad To See We're At "War" Again

Hahahahahaha, Republicans are funny! You just never know what they'll come up with next!

Which is what makes Attorney General Eric Holder's opening remarks to the Senate Judiciary Committee about the administration's decision to bring terror suspects, including 9/11 mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed to trial in New York so exciting! No one knows what crazy response some GOP senator or representative may cook up while daydreaming about all the fun and awesome ways something could go terribly awry (keep your fingers crossed!).

"I'm not scared of what Khalid Sheikh Mohammed has to say at trial," Holder said. "And no one else needs to be afraid either...I have every confidence that the nation and the world will see him for the coward that he is."

"We need not cower in the face of this enemy. Our institutions are strong, our infrastructure is sturdy, our resolve is firm and our people are ready," Holder said. "It is past time to finally act by bringing prosecutions."

Holder also responded to criticism from nutballs like Liz Cheney who think, much like Obama's bow of respect, the decision shows a "pre-9/11" mentality, and that the government doesn't understand this is war time.

"I know we are at war," Holder said. "Those who suggest otherwise are simply wrong."

President Obama echoed this sentiment, saying the American people should have no concern about the capability of civilian courts to try suspected terrorists, despite what moronic lies the GOP bogeymen may say to freak everyone out (since that's their job!).

"I think this notion that we have to be fearful that these terrorists possess some special powers that prevent us from presenting evidence against them, locking them up and exacting swift justice, I think that has been a fundamental mistake," Obama told CNN.

However, Eric Holder's tough words did make one Republican feel all warm and fuzzy inside. No, not his decision to try the 9/11 plotters in New York City like a normal country with a functional justice system, but his use of one special word. A word very dear to Rudy Giuliani's heart: war.

You see Rudy knows the most important thing in the war on terror is the catch-phrase we use to describe it.

So naturally it made him very relieved to see that the Attorney General Holder had the "fortitude" to use the two awesomest words in the English dictionary, "war" and "terror," in the same sentence.

"I was glad to see Holder say 'we're at war,'" Giuliani said on an RNC-sponsored call with reporters. "I had thought we had virtually stopped being at war with the terrorists."

Which would be terribly tragic but not surprising coming from some peace-loving hippie dippie community organizer (who bows!) like Obama.

But, Giuliani is hopeful the use of the word would hearken back to a return to the delightful Bush-era "War On Terror" which Giuliani said President Obama has abandoned, both in rhetoric and actions.

"I was under the impression that the Obama administration thought this was just an unfortunate situation we're dealing with."

"'War' is important," he said. Not to mention fun, exciting, and a great way to unwind after a rough day at the office!

But despite giving props to Holder for finally having the balls to say the precious W and T-words in a single sentence, Giuliani, like any good Republican lemming, reiterated his opposition to bringing terror trials to Manhattan, which he said would put a city already in constant danger of terror attack at greater risk, and incur "enormous expense" providing increased security around the high-profile legal proceedings.

New York "is already a primary target," he said. "There's no reason to add to the risk."

Hmmm, on second thought this just may be the big risk break Rudy's been looking for. Think of all the good the first 9/11 did for Rudes. Another 9/11, and he's got this thing in the bag!

Can you say Rudy 2012?

Guantanamo Bay: Club Med For Terrorists!

For all the bitching and moaning about Guantanamo Bay, you would think the place is some nightmarish detention center instead of the luxury spa retreat it really is.

It's soooo nice and relaxing in fact that some lucky inhabitants will do just about anything to stay. Like 31-year-old Muhammad Ahmad Abdallah Salih who loved the place so much he decided he just couldn't leave. Ever.

So, after almost eight years of unlawful detention without charges, Salih decided to become the fifth person to make Guantanamo their permanent residence and final resting place.

And how can you blame him? Where else can you live rent-free, have a 24-hour doorman, and still get all the creature comforts like being waterboarded using only ice-cold bottled water straight from the fridge?

It's the little things like these that make Gitmo so irresistible, it's almost impossible to leave.

Barry's First Day Anything But Business As Usual

Mr. Squeaky clean Barack Obama isn't wasting any time trying to put the gleam back on the grime-filled White House floors. Apparently, eight years of dirty politics leaves quite a hard-to-scrub film.

So, on his first day as president, Obama rolled up his sleeves and announced his decision to freeze the salaries of aides making $100,000 a year, including the high-profile jobs of White House chief of staff, national security adviser and press secretary. Good luck breaking the news to Rahmbo.

Go-getter Barry also introduced new lobbying rules which he called tighter "than under any other administration in history" and issued an executive order to begin the process of closing down Guantanamo Bay so America can stop being seen as the a**hole torturers of the world.

First hundred days? Please. Barry will handle it in his first 100 hours.

Obama With Newly Poor Chief Of Staff Rahm Emanuel

Comrade Barry Vows To Close Down Gitmo, Restore U.S. Reputation

Mr. Cool Barry Obama Ponders College Life

Before deciding to threaten America's very existence by closing down the U.S. military prison at Guantanamo Bay, president-elect Barack Obama was just another cool, sunglasses wearing college kid trying to find his place in the world.

That place, as it turns out, is in the White House Oval Office, where one of Barry's first duties as President will be to order the closing of Guantanamo Bay, where the U.S. keeps suspected terrorists nice and cozy and occasionally strapped to a waterboard while they wait (and wait...) for charges to be brought against them. Or not.

Part of Obama's challenge in closing down the prison will be to figure out what to do with the estimated 250 al-Qaeda and Taliban suspects and potential witnesses currently being held at Guantanamo. But that shouldn't be too difficult.

I'll have to double-check with George and Laura, but I'm pretty sure Crawford Ranch is free on weekdays. From what I've heard, they're even looking for a few good men to help handle ranching duties.

Problem solved!

A Gitmo Farewell?