Dick Cheney Doesn't Need Some Stupid Pulse To Continue Living, You Mortal Fools!

Two-time vice-presidential dark lord of the underworld Dick Cheney may have finally used up his five death deferments. Tragic, but true!

Sadly, the beloved 69-year-old white-haired hero of Iraq/Waterboarding/Enron/Katrina, five-time heart attack survivor, and grandfather to all, Dick Cheney now has a "ventricular assist device" — or a dual-battery heart pump —implanted in his chest with motors and assorted parts churning the blood through his otherwise cold dead heart.

So now instead of just riding around on one, Dick's got a freakin' robot where an actual flesh & blood, pumping, bivalve chamber known as a heart is supposed to be.

Thing is, this one comes without a pulse. That's right, you're not hearing things. I said, Dick Cheney's heart DOES NOT HAVE A PULSE, and yet the man(?) is stubbornly still alive.

It just doesn't seem fair! Steve Irwin gets one stingray to the heart and instantaneously dies, while Cheney is on his fifth complete HEART FAILURE, gets some size D Energizers and a pump, and is on his merry way. Eh, sort of.

According to the New York Times: 

Former Vice President Dick Cheney is recuperating from surgery to implant the kind of mechanical pump now being given to a small but growing number of people with heart failure so severe that they would most likely die within a few months without it.

The pumps are partial artificial hearts known as ventricular assist devices, and they come in various models. Mr. Cheney’s kind is about the size of a D battery and leaves most recipients without a pulse because it pushes blood continuously instead of mimicking the heart’s own pulsatile beat. Most such pulse-less patients feel nothing unusual. But they are urged to wear bracelets or other identifications to alert emergency room doctors as to why they have no pulse.

Since in Dick's case, that probably wouldn't be the first reason that comes to mind.

The limited success has proved wrong the many experts who said people could not live without a pulse. The thought was that since the heart had a beat, that beat was needed for blood pressure and circulation. But now doctors believe that continuous-flow devices, which can be smaller and last longer, may function well.

Oh, hahahahaha! Puhleeease! As if Dick Cheney needs silly "human" things like a pulse to continue "living."

No, no, Dick Cheney's blood just flows continually, like the River Styx. He doesn't need your lowly "pumping" like some pathetic carbon-based pussy.

By supplementing the amount of blood pumped through the body, the devices allow many recipients to lead active lives from home. They can bicycle, golf, play tennis, drive cars, shop and generally do what they could before they developed severe heart failure.

Oh, goody! That means, (heart or no heart) Dick will still be able to do all his favoritest activities like torture Muslims (and small animals?), shoot his best friends in the face, and pretty much leave a trail of death of destruction wherever he and his non-beating heart venture.

The latest model devices, “though imperfect, are a stupendous advance compared to 36 years ago,” said Dr. O.H. Frazier of the Texas Heart Institute in Houston. “Still, it is a big operation with risks because we are operating on mortally ill patients.”

But then again, as Dick is not your typical mortal, this should not be the slightest bit problematic. Thank heavens, right?

The implants could be as arduous for a surgeon as risky for a patient, particularly one like Mr. Cheney, 69, who has suffered five heart attacks since the age of 37, has had angioplasty to unblock coronary arteries and stents to keep them open; an implanted pacemaker and defibrillator; surgery to repair aneurysms, or ballooning of arteries, behind both knees; and a number of visits to George Washington University Hospital for monitoring and observation, the last in June.

Who? This picture of health?? Don't you worry about him! I think we all know by now congestive heart failure ain't got nothin' on Dick!

But here is the really good news:

Dr. Frazier said he had implanted a total of 170 such pumps as of June 1, more than any other surgeon. Of those, 24 were in patients 65 and older and 11 of the 24 were in patients older than 70. The oldest was 76. Nine of the 24 have died, and seven of the nine did not leave the hospital. Six of the 15 survivors received heart transplants. The remaining nine are living with the pump. The longest survivor at his hospital had an implant in his 30s and has lived five and a half years.

Looks like the odds are still in our favor.

I mean how long could it really take for a heartless Dick with no pulse to possibly die? Unless, of course, in addition to functioning human organs, mere mortal concepts of time do not apply to his "kind" either.

Mr. Roboto's evil hell twin, that is.

The Beat Goes On: The Still Pumping (Though Still Not Feeling) "Heart" Of Deadeye Dick

There may be ten (declassified?) ways America's former Vice President of Doom Darth Vader Dick Cheney can kill you, and likely rip your-still beating heart right out of your chest, but oddly enough, there only seems to be one way to kill him, err at least try. But, much like his eight-year reign of hell, even offing the bastard doesn't seem to have a very high success rate.

Which is a darn shame, too! Guess you can't always get what you want?

Former Vice President Dick Cheney has been admitted to George Washington University Hospital due to unspecified discomfort. The 69-year-old conservative has a history of heart disease and surgery, including a bypass 22 years ago, which didn’t end the problem; Cheney suffered his fifth heart attack since age 37 six months ago. Nine years ago, doctors installed a pacemaker, and just two years ago, he received an electric shock treatment to restore a normal rhythm to his heart. This time, Cheney simply reported some discomfort and has been admitted for the weekend to undergo testing.

Oh irony of ironies! When we, the schmucky public, simply reported feeling some unspecified discomfort during his almost decade long terror spree, we too were admitted to a secure location to undergo testing.

Main difference being, of course, that our secure location wasn't a renowned, cozy hospital in metropolitan D.C., but a secret terrorist compound in scary, remote Guantanamo Bay. And our testing consisted not of state-of-the-art computers gently monitoring our tired, overworked hearts, but wires strapped to our testicles and/or other delicate parts, not-so-gently measuring how much pain living persons can withstand before passing out unconscious.

All this before being promptly resuscitated with a continuous bath of ice-cold Evian 'til we, gasping for air, and positive we were drowning, begged for sweet mercy, blindfolded and strapped upside down to a wooden table, in some creepy prison cell in Communist Cuba.

Oh yeah, and another tiny difference is those "patients" never came back. Must have been all the first-class, one-on-one medical attention given to 'em!

This maniac, on the other hand, keeps going and going and going and going...

Sort of like the Energizer bunny. If the lovable pink li'l bugger was really a demonic sociopath with a permanent sneer and a sick fetish for making people squeal like stuck little piggies, who scoffs at mortal things like five heart attacks (for freedom!) all before the spry age of 69.

Ha ha, you're gonna need to bring more than a handful of major organ failures (pussy!) to turn this red hot Dick cold and flaccid.

Dude didn't even come out in daylight during his vice-presidential tenure ruining America; it was only after NObama became The Decider that ol' Dick decided unleash his adorable mug and soothing, melodious voice 24/7 on the unsuspecting public like some never-ending, Barry-bashing nightmare.

"Am I the evil genius in the corner that nobody ever sees come out of his hole? It's a nice way to operate, actually," Cheney joked, mocking his nickname "Darth Vader" during a 2004 interview.

Unlike those other lame, weak-kneed Republicans with silly consciences who acknowledged mistakes were made after 9/11, and expressed doubts about unlawful, indefinite detentions and/or torturing terror suspects in U.S. custody, Dick didn't so much as think twice.

"I feel very good about what we did. I think it was the right thing to do. If I was faced with those circumstances again, I'd do exactly the same thing," he said.

Oh, Dick! They sure don't call you that for nothing!

Hell, even heart attacks are scared sh*tless of this lunatic freak of nature.

Sure, it may be true that only the good die young. But only the Epically Evil defy death five times since disco was cool and and a straight man could look sexy in skin-tight hiphuggers, while wiggling his hips and thrusting one finger into the air, up and down across his body.

And judging by his body of work twisted trail of death and destruction, looks like this Dick's got a good 50-plus years ahead of him.

Assuming he is comprised of actual oxygen, carbon, inorganic salts, lipids, carbohydrates, billions of cells, nucleic acids, and other trace elements, not poisonous gas, crude oil, corporate power, various machinery, fat gobs of blubber, pure bitterness and unbridled rage.

On the bright side, his corpulent hide could be the exact plug we've been looking for to stop that darn leaking hole in the gulf.

Something tells me he won't mind. After all, he's always been a huge fan of gushing water-based solutions to problems.

Not to mention, all that oil helps keep his artificial body parts free of corrosion, rust, and those awful squeaks, squeals, and screeches.

Ugh, those noises can be so unpleasant when coming from places other than human mouths!

Dick Scoffs At His Aorta, Challenges His Heart To Attack Him Again

Lovable, white-haired cuddlebug Dick Cheney is doing fine and dandy, relaxing in a hospital after his most recent 'chest pain' scare. Of course, it being Dick Cheney and all, we should have known mild "chest pains" are really secret code for mild "heart attacks," one of which he indeed did have on Monday, bringing his grand heart attack total to an impressive five.

Cheney's robust, 69-year-old heart's latest failure to contract effectively and properly circulate blood puts Dicky near the top of the all-time leader list, and in serious contention for a coveted place in the Vital Organ Malfunction Hall of Fame. Ummm, congratulations??

Of course, like any undisputed, heavyweight champion, Dick's meteoric rise to the top of the cardiac arrest charts didn't happen overnight. It's taken unique talent (like flirting with his first attack at the spry age of 37), years of hard work, determination, unchecked rage, and countless heaping plates of Fettucini Alfredo, to get Dick to where he is today:

"Resting comfortably" in a hospital bed after suffering his heroic fifth heart attack, for America.

Ironically, America won't be "resting comfortably" until his obituary is published, likely when Dick suffers his sixth and final heart attack on the inauguration of President Barack Obama's second term.