Dick Cheney Doesn't Need Some Stupid Pulse To Continue Living, You Mortal Fools!

Two-time vice-presidential dark lord of the underworld Dick Cheney may have finally used up his five death deferments. Tragic, but true!

Sadly, the beloved 69-year-old white-haired hero of Iraq/Waterboarding/Enron/Katrina, five-time heart attack survivor, and grandfather to all, Dick Cheney now has a "ventricular assist device" — or a dual-battery heart pump —implanted in his chest with motors and assorted parts churning the blood through his otherwise cold dead heart.

So now instead of just riding around on one, Dick's got a freakin' robot where an actual flesh & blood, pumping, bivalve chamber known as a heart is supposed to be.

Thing is, this one comes without a pulse. That's right, you're not hearing things. I said, Dick Cheney's heart DOES NOT HAVE A PULSE, and yet the man(?) is stubbornly still alive.

It just doesn't seem fair! Steve Irwin gets one stingray to the heart and instantaneously dies, while Cheney is on his fifth complete HEART FAILURE, gets some size D Energizers and a pump, and is on his merry way. Eh, sort of.

According to the New York Times: 

Former Vice President Dick Cheney is recuperating from surgery to implant the kind of mechanical pump now being given to a small but growing number of people with heart failure so severe that they would most likely die within a few months without it.

The pumps are partial artificial hearts known as ventricular assist devices, and they come in various models. Mr. Cheney’s kind is about the size of a D battery and leaves most recipients without a pulse because it pushes blood continuously instead of mimicking the heart’s own pulsatile beat. Most such pulse-less patients feel nothing unusual. But they are urged to wear bracelets or other identifications to alert emergency room doctors as to why they have no pulse.

Since in Dick's case, that probably wouldn't be the first reason that comes to mind.

The limited success has proved wrong the many experts who said people could not live without a pulse. The thought was that since the heart had a beat, that beat was needed for blood pressure and circulation. But now doctors believe that continuous-flow devices, which can be smaller and last longer, may function well.

Oh, hahahahaha! Puhleeease! As if Dick Cheney needs silly "human" things like a pulse to continue "living."

No, no, Dick Cheney's blood just flows continually, like the River Styx. He doesn't need your lowly "pumping" like some pathetic carbon-based pussy.

By supplementing the amount of blood pumped through the body, the devices allow many recipients to lead active lives from home. They can bicycle, golf, play tennis, drive cars, shop and generally do what they could before they developed severe heart failure.

Oh, goody! That means, (heart or no heart) Dick will still be able to do all his favoritest activities like torture Muslims (and small animals?), shoot his best friends in the face, and pretty much leave a trail of death of destruction wherever he and his non-beating heart venture.

The latest model devices, “though imperfect, are a stupendous advance compared to 36 years ago,” said Dr. O.H. Frazier of the Texas Heart Institute in Houston. “Still, it is a big operation with risks because we are operating on mortally ill patients.”

But then again, as Dick is not your typical mortal, this should not be the slightest bit problematic. Thank heavens, right?

The implants could be as arduous for a surgeon as risky for a patient, particularly one like Mr. Cheney, 69, who has suffered five heart attacks since the age of 37, has had angioplasty to unblock coronary arteries and stents to keep them open; an implanted pacemaker and defibrillator; surgery to repair aneurysms, or ballooning of arteries, behind both knees; and a number of visits to George Washington University Hospital for monitoring and observation, the last in June.

Who? This picture of health?? Don't you worry about him! I think we all know by now congestive heart failure ain't got nothin' on Dick!

But here is the really good news:

Dr. Frazier said he had implanted a total of 170 such pumps as of June 1, more than any other surgeon. Of those, 24 were in patients 65 and older and 11 of the 24 were in patients older than 70. The oldest was 76. Nine of the 24 have died, and seven of the nine did not leave the hospital. Six of the 15 survivors received heart transplants. The remaining nine are living with the pump. The longest survivor at his hospital had an implant in his 30s and has lived five and a half years.

Looks like the odds are still in our favor.

I mean how long could it really take for a heartless Dick with no pulse to possibly die? Unless, of course, in addition to functioning human organs, mere mortal concepts of time do not apply to his "kind" either.

Mr. Roboto's evil hell twin, that is.