Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Glenn Beck University: A Higher Education For Those With Higher Callings & Even Higher Doses Of Antipsychotics


Why waste your time spending oodles of your precious, hard-earned money on those arugula-eating, elitist institutions with their liberal values (abortions & homos!) and hoity-toity academic accreditations? When for just a fraction of the cost you can get all that and more!

Welcome to the brand spanking-new manifestation of Glenn Beck's alcohol and drug ravaged, born again mind, "Beck University" where eager, knowledge-hungry pupils can brush up on fundamental courses like "faith," "hope," "charity," and "101 creepy things you can do with a chalkboard."

All while putting money straight into the pocket of their favortiest teary-eyed patriot of decaffeinated herbal beverages, and pudgy poster boy for what happens when mental illness goes untreated, Glenn Lee Beck.

It's true, America!

While the rest of the nation is relaxing poolside or wallowing in liberal dens of iniquity like secular summer camps not exclusively devoted to the study and worship of Jesus, the chosen few, who pledge their allegiance to a weeping blond haired, blue-eyed baby face Aryan Fox anchor with a buzz cut and not-at-all-bizarre obsession with the Third Reich, can head back into the classroom for "a unique academic experience bringing together experts in the fields of religion, American history and economics."

“School may be out for the summer, but for Glenn Beck class is just starting,” reads an announcement on Beck’s website. “This July, while others are relaxing poolside, head back to the classroom — from the comfort of your own home. That may sound like an oxymoron, but Glenn’s new academic program is only available online.”

Actually, pretty much just the moron part.

For those fellow truth seekers and pudgy, pale patriots of White America, Glenn Beck's University has everything one could hope for pray to Jesus Christ for. Like online classes which "meet" every Wednesday through September 1 and boasts three renowned, certifiably wingnut, deeply committed (to mental hospitals?) "professors" teaching "Faith 101," "Hope 101," and "Charity 101" for entry level students, with 102 and 103 level classes in subsequent weeks.

Oooh, meaning you can too can earn your PhD in freedom in almost the amount of time it takes Glenn Beck to pour artificial tears into his eyes, and have his daily one-on-one conversation with God before the camera starts to roll.

Plus, you'll finally perfect drawing that lovely swastika you've been practicing, thanks to Glenn Beck's personal tutorial on how to decorate your home or office with beautiful Nazi insignias even Hitler would love.

Not to mention, the one-of-a-kind opportunity to sit inside, in front of a computer screen on hot summer days, combing through conspiracy theories and learning all about how you too can help take your country back from illegal Kenyan terrorists with a deep-seated hatred for white culture, or just deep-seated hatred of fat white idiots with small brains and extra large tear ducts, or whatever the case may be.

The classes are offered exclusively to anyone who signs up to be Glenn Beck's "Insider Extreme" subscribers, pays the bargain basement monthly fee of  $9.95, and possesses the unique ability to suspend brain activity for endless hours at a time.

Naturally, the mission statement of Beck University is gleaned from the Latin saying on its Coat of Arms: "Tyrannis Seditio, Obsequium Deo," which sort of translates to "Revolution against tyrants, submission to God."

Or for those among us who don't spend their days contemplating the oppression of the White Man while staring out of their Overton Window, "Revolution against truth, submission to God-complexes."

“Through captivating lectures and interactive online discussions, these experts will explore the concepts of faith, hope and charity and show you how they influence America’s past, her present and most importantly her future,” the website promises.

Like what would happen if, say, every last one of Beck's freedom fighters suddenly freed themselves from inhabiting this Earthly realm??

Hmmm, The Rapture?

Quick, sign up now and you get a special bonus course at no added charge: Vicks VapoRub Weeping 101. With a special introductory session for those looking to brush up on their skills making fun of 11-year-old first daughters for asking Daddy when he's going to plug the hole.

Likely as soon as Professor Beck wraps up his lecturing leaking toxic waste Tour de Farce and decides class is dismissed.

Which should be right around the time he's offered his first major motion picture starring role as the title character in the Nutty Professor III: F**k the Klumps, Beck's Bringing Kluxy Back!

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