What do you do when a desperate, scientifically unexplainable, glowing orange Boehner starts spouting his equally boneheaded opinions on __________ (fill in the blank with whatever subject he is currently waxing
Why, you naturally give that big Boehner a slap upside the head for having the tangelos big enough to even so much as suggest any sentient, flesh-colored human being would ever take seriously the words of some bumbling, electric beach bum with an odd glow, and even odder sense of reality!
While Mr. Boehner stopped just short of predicting a complete Republican takeover of Congress, America's favorite, uniquely hued minority leader did say that a backlash against President Obama's policies has energized Republican voters more than Democrats. Especially the white hood and robe wearing ones! And boy are they pissssssed!
"The American people have written off the Democrats," Boehner told the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review. "They're willing to look at us again."
For like 15-20 seconds max. Then the lethal combination of heat and UV radiation emanating from his face forces them to quickly look away, for fear of deep 3rd degree burns and/or severe sunstroke.
But not this marvel of modern science, whose incredible ability to withstand searing temperatures that would incinerate or melt most normal people, comes with the unfortunate side-effect of reduced oxygen flow to the brain, and temporary lapses in cognitive functioning.
"They're snuffing out the America that I grew up in," Boehner said. "Right now, we've got more Americans engaged in their government than at any time in our history. There's a political rebellion brewing, and I don't think we've seen anything like it since 1776."
Or at least that's what John McCain tells me, and he would know too, being as he was right there with them, donning waistcoat, powdered wig, and false wooden teeth with the rest of the founding fathers as they rather obnoxiously threw off the delightfully caring British yoke with one definitive stroke of a pheasant quill pen in a packed Pennsylvania State House.
Take it from this House Minority Tanning Bed Salesman: "The health care law passed in March pushed most Americans over the edge."
Yes, their splattered remains are now being treated by actual doctors of medicine in accredited hospitals, not danced on wildly, then sold piece-by-piece by health insurance companies, starting with the legs (cha-ching!) and working down form there to the smaller extremities, until every last dripping red cent is extracted from their poor tattered corpses, and placed into the deep, never-ending, blood-stained pockets of the health care companies where it belongs.
"We are going to do everything we can to make sure that this law and this program never really takes effect," Boehner said.
Like cry, pout, scream and shout until we hyperventilate, our faces turn blue, and we're forced to breathe slowly into a paper bag to avoid passing out from our own, very mature, respectable temper tantrums for freedom.
Yay, bankruptcy and death for all! Wooohooo! Just like the good ol' days!
"They're going to need money from the Congress to hire these 20,000-plus bureaucrats they need to hire to make this program work. They're not going to get one dime from us."
We only come a dime a dozen these days!
Speaking of shiny metal coins, Mr. Minority Boehner has a bone to pick with NObama's terrible, socialist, evil Kenyan financial regulatory overhaul to help protect consumers, reign in banks' predatory lending practices, and restore some semblance of sanity to America's out-of-control "too big to fail" yet "too monstrous to work" banking industry.
In other words, a perfect system, until the grubby government paws started poking every which way.
"This is killing an ant with a nuclear weapon," Boehner said. "What's most needed is more transparency and better enforcement by regulators."
Ah yes, the rare kind of ant that hemorrhages 8 million jobs, loses $17 trillion in retirement savings and net worth, and sparks the worst financial crisis since the Great Depression.
Poor little bugger!
But comparing the financial crisis to a poor little ant makes the Democrats and Dear Leader become very angry red fire ants, who insist that we don't "just need a little ant swatter to fix this thing."
The glowing orange bug zapper in the House would surely work better than that!
Someone ought to tell that rotting orange peel that ants are very strong (like George W. Bush strong!) and can lift like 3,000 times their own weight or something crazy like that. Kind of like the financial industry's disproportionate influence on Glowing Orange Puppets in Washington.
So, perhaps not the best metaphor John?
Besides, you don't need a nuclear bomb to kill an ant. Those are used solely for killing lots of Japanese people, and also maybe a giant gushing oil well, along with its once-thriving, now oil-drenched wildlife in the Gulf.
Speaking of making a mountains out of anthills (wait, or was it molehills?), Boehner also had some choice words for Obama's gay overreaction to BP's beautiful experimentation with oil painting over the once water-colored Gulf of Mexico.
Because Boehner knows, the spill might warrant a "pause" in deepwater drilling, but Obama's blanket ban on drilling in the gulf could devastate the region's economy.
I mean where would Louisiana, Mississippi, Florida, and the rest of America's Southern coast be without dead and dying tar-covered marine carcasses washing up on their now blackened, toxic beaches?
Who will come down to their oily shores, fill up their hotel rooms, eat at their seaside restaurants, and visit their luxurious petroleum-lined shores once the good BP workers leave them to their own Hazmat suit and latex rubber glove clad, petroleum scrubbing selves?
Tourists?? Ha ha, good one, Bones!
Of course, there was one area that Boehner, and likely the rest of the Grand Old Peace haters, had nothing but good things to say about the way President Obama has handled himself: the war in Afghanistan, duh!
Boehner naturally praised Obama's troop surge in Afghanistan and increased drone attacks in Pakistan, while declining to list any actual benchmarks for measuring progress in our nine-year military engagement, because such noble things as war don't need silly humans interfering with God's master plan of endless military struggles with no viable exit strategy in parched desert wastelands halfway across the globe.
Some things are too sacred!
"Ensuring there's enough money to pay for the war will require reforming the country's entitlement system, Boehner said, adding that he'd favor increasing the Social Security retirement age to 70 for people who have at least 20 years until retirement, tying cost-of-living increases to the consumer price index rather than wage inflation and limiting payments to those who need them."
It's called get your Grand Old Priorities straight, people!
"We need to look at the American people and explain to them why we're broke," Boehner said.
Umm, you're lookin' at it??
"If you have substantial non-Social Security income while you're retired, why are we paying you at a time when we're broke? (That's the American taxpayer's job, silly!) We just need to be honest with people."
Ha ha, just kidding! That's more of a loser Democrat/Obama thing.
Sooooo not us! We'll just stick to robbing our favoritest Automated Teller Machines, the American Public blind, and lying right to their Gullible Old Poverty stricken faces.
Silly Boehner! Everyone knows ants don't care about money anyway.