Friday, July 30, 2010

Will 1,000,000 Facebook Prayers Be Enough To Save Dearest Glenn Beck From Becoming America's Favoritest Blind Prophet?


When we were hit with the devastating news that the oracle of the ages, the spiritual eyes of loyal Christian patriots around the world, Glenn Lee Beck, may or may not go blind within the next year, we could hardly believe our still-functioning ears!

Not Glenn Lee Beck, the beautiful blond-haired, blue-but-maybe-also-blind-eyed divine angel of truth sent from the heavens to teach us mere mortals all about freedom, His Holiness, and why America is the bestest, most awesomest country ever to be blessed by God (and Glenn!) on the face of the Earth. Oh, please, please, Lord, anyone but him!

Well thank sweet sufferin' Jesus at least one ├╝ber-concerned Beck head had the wherewithal and good sense to create a Facebook page called "1,000,000 Prayers for Glenn Beck" in the hopes that when his Holiness is casually perusing the Internets, like he usually does right after sunrise, He comes across this Glenn Beck-devoted page and suddenly realizes perhaps this beloved man is worth the time and effort to heal, after all! Why else would all these people be saying so on Facebook, if it wasn't true?

But what if God's too busy hanging out with angels on clouds or whatever to go on other people's Facebook pages and read all those concerned prayers, or what if He is old and behind the times and only has a MySpace or Friendster? Then what???

Just to be on the super safe side, wouldn't it make more sense to post prayers on God's Facebook page, so you'll know he'll get them (right away!), instead of maybe getting lost or stolen by Sarah Palin's loyal army of Facebook footsoldiers?

Because, we're assuming these are the same people who created the Facebook page praying that Barack Hussein Obama would die, and as far as we know, that bastard's still breathing away...

So ya know, just a suggestion.

But enough prattling on, let's take a look and see all the wonderful not-really prayers and messages concerned, Glenny Beck-blindness-consumed supporters have been leaving on the page's official "wall." Kind of like the Wailing Wall, 'cept this one is in cyberspace 'stead of Jerusalem, which is like probably holier if you think about it. Err, on second thought, it's probably better if you don't!
"Father in Heaven please show your mercy to your servant Glenn Beck. Lord I pray that you would grant him his sight to glorify yourself through him. Lord if it is to be that he loses his sight, I pray for a joy and peace with it, for him and his family, which passes all understanding. In Jesus name I pray."

“YOU ARE IN MY PRAYERS TO JESUS CHRIST OUR LORD AND SAVIOR OF THESE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA SIR YOU ARE SECOND ONLY TO THE GREAT INFORMATION SOCIETY OF WHAT I LISTEN TO DAILY.”

"Prayed for you and your family last night. PROTECTION and continued wisdom. Not long ago I prayed for a modern day person to look up to. I'm thanking God for answering my prayer. You are so bold and unafraid. Thank you for using your gifts to glorify God. Love you, Glenn Beck!"

"Glenn, I started out thinking you were a bit too silly to ever make a real difference. In the past year I have seen you evolve into a legend. At this critical time in America you are so obviously put here as a guiding light to remind us all of the blessing of being American. I pray for your success and that you don't... lose your eyesight. We all recognize truth when we hear it... if we only listen with our heart."

"I see God's loving white light surrounding you and protecting you of any and all evil energies that may cause you any harm or discomfort. May this affirmation bless every patriot that is on the same educational mission to save our country. Thank you God for Glen Beck! Thank you God for giving each of us the courage to ...stand in our own power and speak the truth about the evil forces that is trying to destroy our lives and country."

"Psalms 27:1 The Lord is my Light and my Salvation, whom shall I fear? The Lord is the Strength of my life; of Whom shall I be afraid? Be not afraid Glenn. God is watching out for you. He has sent prayer angels to bathe you in daily prayer."
Amen!

As powerful and worthy of God's attention as these wonderful Jesus-filled odes to Glenn are, for those Beckians looking for an even more direct way to communicate with God, just close your eyes, get down on bended knees, fold your hands together, and say a prayer...IN YOUR MIND. Since it is a proven scientific FACT that God is in your mind and hears your every thoughts.

Plus, you don't even have to worry about God missing your wall post when He does His daily scan of the Earth. Rest assured knowing He will most certainly "hear" your silent prayer, and make a note of it in his blackberry or perhaps iPad if He's more of an Apple deity.

But, whatever you do, never forget the 1,000,000 Prayer For Glenn Beck Mission Statement:
"We support Glenn Beck and believe in the power of prayer. We pray that God will continue to bless, protect and give wisdom to Glenn, his family and all of his staff."

"We also pray that God will continue to bless Glenn with the gift of sight- for his vision has blessed our country by strengthening our faith, providing for us reason to hope and encouraging us to love others through charity."

"Please share and suggest this page to all of your friends and let Glenn know that we are praying for him and appreciate all he does for our country."
OMG, someone get Glenny's chalkboard quick! What's 3,375 People Like This times 1,000,000 Prayers For Glenn Beck, multiplied by the infinite power of God, divided by the terribleness of Obama, plus the awesomeness of Fox News, minus the number of eyes a good Christian patriot has, and you my friends have the precise GOD-GIVEN percent chance of Glenny not only making it out of this ordeal with his precious eyesight, and ability to weep pretend tears, miraculously restored, but his long-lost sanity as well.

LOL, JK! C'mon not even God is powerful enough to make that happen, silly fools!

Oh yeah, and one more thing! Please remember to adjust your Facebook privacy settings so that when God tries to read and/or respond to your prayers, he doesn't get the ol' "this user only shares some of his profile information with everyone. If you know this user, send him a message or add him as a friend."

Cause that's just awkwaaaaard!

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