Howdy America! It is that blissful time of year when Americans of
And what better time to show the world the kind of bright shining (mental) stars we, Americans, truly are than posing the incredibly difficult, brain-busting question: "From which country did the United States win its independence?" on our favoritest, freedomiest Fourth of July holiday?
Surely, the pollsters over at Marist University (along with the rest of the arugula-eating lamestream media elites) were giggling with delight at the hilarious prospect of fat, patriotic jumpsuit-wearing 'mericans with mustard dribbling down their chins actually coming up with a coherent answer that doesn't make us want to rip our hair from our scalps and/or put an American-made steel bullet right between our sparkling blue eyes.
But lo and behold, turns out a whopping 74% of Americans, or three-quarters of all citizens, actually know the U.S. declared its independence from...wait for it...Great Britain. In 1776, no less!
Ugh, so much for the whole "America is a bunch of dumb freaks" angle!
But seriously, SEVENTY-FOUR PERCENT is practically inconceivable considering most folks can't name anything that doesn't involve a side of super-sized fries or deep fried Twinkies.
Wooohooo! USA! USA! USA!
Sure, 26% failed to correctly identify Great Britain as America's colonial master and the country the United States fought an eight-year war with to gain its independence, but still!
I mean, to begin with a good 10 percent of the population probably can't spell their own name, let alone name which colonial Motherland America had to overthrow for the freedom to export freedom-fried potatoes to poor, oil-rich nations throughout the world. Pandora??
Let's say another 5% (at least) are just plain ol' crazy people who think America was founded somewhere around 75 million years ago when the dictator of the Galactic Confederacy Xenu brought billions of humans to Earth, stacked them in volcanoes, and blew them up using hydrogen bombs or maybe even Fourth of July fireworks. No one knows for sure.
And it's probably safe to assume the remaining 11% of respondents were pissed that some stupid pollster from some no-name "University" interrupted them during dinner to ask them a single, asinine question and answered “the United States won its independence from the country of 'My Big Old Butt'" before promptly slamming down the receiver.
But, other than this, everyone else got the question right!
This is no small feat, my fellow Americans!
For the most part, Americans hate being well-read, shudder at hoity-toity academic things like gross books, and take pride in being ignorant dunces, who know nothing of the world unless it has the word sea in front of it.
Yet, by some incredible twist of fate, the U.S of A has somehow gotten most of its comatose citizenry to learn (and retain!) a historical factoid that doesn't have to do with Snooki or LOL cats doing something hilariously human-like such as skateboard or play the piano. HAHAHAHAHA, just thinking about leaves me in stitches!
So, America, the next time you see drunken middle-aged white men with beer bellies hanging out of their jeans trying to figure out how to light something (be it a pocket rocket or Webber grill) this Fourth o' July weekend, instead of getting depressed or cynical at the state of our glorious, saturated fat-clogged brain challenged nation, think of this poll and let yourself swell with patriotic pride instead.
And wave that flag with your head up and chin held high.
Just watch out for the still sizzling fireworks and polish sausages. Those babies burn and we don't need flaming flags illuminating America's backyards from coast to coast.
That would be gay and that is, of course, the complete opposite of America!
And P.S., for that 26% who don't know, America won its independence from a once-powerful land called Old Country Buffet.