Living legend and divine messenger Glenn Lee Beck is under investigation for his Goldline International scam, and also could go blind within a year, though, apparently it is not related to scamming people into buying worthless faux gold coins.
Talk about a rough week!
California authorities have launched an investigation into claims that Goldline International — the favorite investment arm of Fox News Hounds Glenn Beck and Mike Huckabee — is scamming people into buying coins and is sending them "something different from what they had ordered."Every year, savory, not-at-all-sketchy Goldline International manages to sell hundreds of millions of dollars worth of gold, thanks to sales pitches from conservative Godsends like Beck, Huckabee, and the Law & Order guy who wanted to be president, until realizing that venture was as worthwhile as his pitchman gig pushing worthless shiny gold-plated objects upon unsuspecting viewers.
"There are two main types of complaints we're seeing: "One is that customers say that they were lied to and misled in entering into their purchases of gold coins. And the other group is saying that they received something different from what they had ordered."New York Representative Anthony Weiner told ABC News that America's favoritest Fox News, its patriotic weeping talk show hosts, and Goldline have formed an "unholy alliance" to rip people off:
Once they get people on the phone, they basically steer them into these so-called collectible coins and that's where the rip off becomes really profound," Weiner said.Hmmm, but they do sell well-packaged crap wrapped in beautiful bows & ribbons and served with a 100% guarantee of freedom or your money back. Errr, never mind that last part. How 'bout something even better, like say, the undying gratitude of Fox freedom fighters instead?
"There's no doubt about it, that there's a whole universe of rare collectible coins and I know nothing about that field," Weiner explained. "Except to say this: Goldline doesn't sell those coins."
Or you could always just go get a cup, stand under Glenny, and collect his sacred tears streaming fresh down his plentiful cheeks. They're just as authentic as the coins, except they might actually be worth something more than the price of the eye drops he uses to produce them, on eBay.
Speaking of artificially produced tear drops, blue eyed angel of truth and renowned Nazi scholar Glenn Beck told 6,000 of his most devoted fans, who descended on the EnergySolutions Arena in Salt Lake City to hear El Weeping Savior speak at his "American Revival" event that he's been diagnosed with macular dystrophy, and could go blind within a year.
What, what, what!?!? Like so Jesus can miraculously cure you, and prove his divine powers to all the non-believers, heathens, and Christ-killing Jews out there??
Using his unique brand of "humor," Beck humbly explained his recent eye trouble, like difficulty focusing his eyes (and not just like the usual voices-in-his-head difficulties), and reading words more than two syllables long.
"So, I went to the best doctor I could find — while I could still go to the best doctor I could find."
Awww, snap! That is, at least until Barry ships every last doctor to the secret lair he has ready and waiting in Kenya, probably with the help of Al Qaeda!
The doctor told Beck he had "macular dystrophy," to which Beck HILARIOUSLY replied, "Is that that Jerry Lewis thing?" "I should have given more."
OH, HAHAHAHAHAHA. Get it? Jokes about children with Muscular Dystrophy, which is almost the same thing (except not at all) are always hilarious, a regular laugh riot!
Beck then explained how the doctor told him he might be blind in a year or he might not.
"I said, 'Did you just charge me a thousand dollars for knowing what I already knew my whole life?' I knew that at 3! 'You might go blind someday. You might not,' " Beck said.
Duh! I mean, any fool with a mouth knows that! You might go blind, you might not. You might lose both arms in a terrible meat grinder accident, you might not. You might get filthy rich selling worthless junk to dumb, hapless Glenn Beck fans, you go to jail. You might also binge on drugs and alcohol, lose your mind, and get born again as a fat, white rich Mormon who weeps about freedom on the teevee every night. The possibilities are endless, really.
But then, the humor stopped, and the melancholy began. "I truly came to a place that is the greatest blessing," Beck said through tears. "Lord, if you need my eyes, they're yours. They've been yours the whole time, anyway. Thank you for letting me see as far as I have."
On the bright side, at least, he won't have any trouble looking at himself in the mirror anymore.
"If you have really, truly accepted Jesus, if you have really accepted the Atonement ... you can never, ever repay it. Ever. If he asks for your eyes. ... What? Are you kidding me? That's the smallest..."
Beck didn't finish his sentence as tears ran down his face.
That Vick's VapoRub stings like a motherf**ker!
The price of