"I See (Gold!)," Said The Blind Man!

Living legend and divine messenger Glenn Lee Beck is under investigation for his Goldline International scam, and also could go blind within a year, though, apparently it is not related to scamming people into buying worthless faux gold coins.

Talk about a rough week!

California authorities have launched an investigation into claims that Goldline International — the favorite investment arm of Fox News Hounds Glenn Beck and Mike Huckabee — is scamming people into buying coins and is sending them "something different from what they had ordered."

Every year, savory, not-at-all-sketchy Goldline International manages to sell hundreds of millions of dollars worth of gold, thanks to sales pitches from conservative Godsends like Beck, Huckabee, and the Law & Order guy who wanted to be president, until realizing that venture was as worthwhile as his pitchman gig pushing worthless shiny gold-plated objects upon unsuspecting viewers. 

"There are two main types of complaints we're seeing: "One is that customers say that they were lied to and misled in entering into their purchases of gold coins. And the other group is saying that they received something different from what they had ordered."

New York Representative Anthony Weiner told ABC News that America's favoritest Fox News, its patriotic weeping talk show hosts, and Goldline have formed an "unholy alliance" to rip people off:

Once they get people on the phone, they basically steer them into these so-called collectible coins and that's where the rip off becomes really profound," Weiner said.

"There's no doubt about it, that there's a whole universe of rare collectible coins and I know nothing about that field," Weiner explained. "Except to say this: Goldline doesn't sell those coins."

Hmmm, but they do sell well-packaged crap wrapped in beautiful bows & ribbons and served with a 100% guarantee of freedom or your money back. Errr, never mind that last part. How 'bout something even better, like say, the undying gratitude of Fox freedom fighters instead?

Or you could always just go get a cup, stand under Glenny, and collect his sacred tears streaming fresh down his plentiful cheeks. They're just as authentic as the coins, except they might actually be worth something more than the price of the eye drops he uses to produce them, on eBay.

Speaking of artificially produced tear drops, blue eyed angel of truth and renowned Nazi scholar Glenn Beck told 6,000 of his most devoted fans, who descended on the EnergySolutions Arena in Salt Lake City to hear El Weeping Savior speak at his "American Revival" event that he's been diagnosed with macular dystrophy, and could go blind within a year.

What, what, what!?!? Like so Jesus can miraculously cure you, and prove his divine powers to all the non-believers, heathens, and Christ-killing Jews out there??

Using his unique brand of "humor," Beck humbly explained his recent eye trouble, like difficulty focusing his eyes (and not just like the usual voices-in-his-head difficulties), and reading words more than two syllables long.

"So, I went to the best doctor I could find — while I could still go to the best doctor I could find."
Awww, snap! That is, at least until Barry ships every last doctor to the secret lair he has ready and waiting in Kenya, probably with the help of Al Qaeda!

The doctor told Beck he had "macular dystrophy," to which Beck HILARIOUSLY replied, "Is that that Jerry Lewis thing?"  "I should have given more."

OH, HAHAHAHAHAHA. Get it? Jokes about children with Muscular Dystrophy, which is almost the same thing (except not at all) are always hilarious, a regular laugh riot!

Beck then explained how the doctor told him he might be blind in a year or he might not.

"I said, 'Did you just charge me a thousand dollars for knowing what I already knew my whole life?' I knew that at 3! 'You might go blind someday. You might not,' " Beck said.

Duh! I mean, any fool with a mouth knows that! You might go blind, you might not. You might lose both arms in a terrible meat grinder accident, you might not. You might get filthy rich selling worthless junk to dumb, hapless Glenn Beck fans, you go to jail. You might also binge on drugs and alcohol, lose your mind, and get born again as a fat, white rich Mormon who weeps about freedom on the teevee every night. The possibilities are endless, really.

But then, the humor stopped, and the melancholy began. "I truly came to a place that is the greatest blessing," Beck said through tears. "Lord, if you need my eyes, they're yours. They've been yours the whole time, anyway. Thank you for letting me see as far as I have."

On the bright side, at least, he won't have any trouble looking at himself in the mirror anymore.

"If you have really, truly accepted Jesus, if you have really accepted the Atonement ... you can never, ever repay it. Ever. If he asks for your eyes. ... What? Are you kidding me? That's the smallest..."

Beck didn't finish his sentence as tears ran down his face.

That Vick's VapoRub stings like a motherf**ker!

The price of insanity divinity is steep my friends!

Hilarious Future GOP President Mike Huckabee Never Met A Jew, Gay Joke, Or Heaping Plate Of Anything He Didn't Like!

Born again non-morbidly obese person Mike Huckabee has taken a hiatus from his previous job scarfing down double bacon cheeseburgers as the 400 lbs+ ex-Governor of Arkansas, to sit down with one of the hoity-toity, arugula-eating elitist magazines he's always shrieking 'bout at his current gig spewing nonsense for Fox News, to discuss some of his all-time favoritest topics like gross gay people, beautiful Jesus, and how he would totally be a Jew (go Moses!) if he weren't already an Evangelical Christian wingnut, who has taken Christ as his personal savior.

Oh, goody! Wonder if this self-proclaimed "nice guy" and God-blessed comedic talent will announce his candidacy to unseat that illegal Kenyan Socialist Barack Hussein NObama in 2012, or if he'll be too busy making hilariously offensive dirty jokes about the "ick" factor of banging gross old people and even grosser gay people?

In due time, my friends, in due time!

But first things first, what about those Jews everyone's always talkin' about, 'cept Sarah Palin who prefers twitterin' her two-sen$e in 140 nonsensical characters, indecipherable to those not born 'n raised in the abandoned meth lab of Wasilla. What about them?

“I worship a Jew!” Huckabee told the New Yorker. “I have a lot of Jewish friends, and they’re kind of, like, ‘You evangelicals love Israel more than we do.’”

Oh, hahahahahaha, so true! Errr, except for that one tiny little Jewy detail about Jesus not being the son of God, or the Messiah or anything, and not being saved when the Rapture comes as a result, but no big deal right? Heck, let's not let silly things like facts or details get in the way of a good discussion. On the bright side, they do like to kill Muslims, too, which is always a bonus!

"I’m, like, ‘Do you not get it? If there weren’t a Jewish faith, there wouldn’t be a Christian faith!'"

And then who would we persecute, slaughter, and vilify for having the blood of Christ on their hands??

Besides, if he really didn't love Israel sooooooooo much, why would he walk around wearing a yarmulke (which is a hat for Hebes, for those not as in touch with their Semitic roots as ol' Maccabee Huckabee), when it's convenient, from time to time?

“I think what I should do is convert,” Huckabee said, squinting in the sunshine. “This covers my bald spot completely.”

Oy vey! What an amazing idea Huck! Then all those other right-wing Jew-lovers throughout the heartland, who wave swastikas, buy your Jesus books, and vote for you in straw polls will be certain to keep supporting you and your wonderful work as God's true messenger and heaven-sent representative of the Chosen Ones here on Earth.

Sounds promising!

Not as promising as, say, Huck's stand-up career, but close enough!

Huckabee does deviate from Party orthodoxy on some issues. But what makes him even less predictable as a politician is his sense of humor. At times, he seems unable to resist the force of his own funniness. I joked with him once that I would write about his (fictitious) affair with Nancy Pelosi. He e-mailed back, “The only thing worse than a torrid affair with sweet, sweet Nancy would be a torrid affair with Helen Thomas. If those were my only options, I’d probably be FOR same-sex marriage!”

OH, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That is hilaaaaaaaarious! Everyone knows Huck loves his perfectly FEMALE wife and would never, ever, nerrrver, neverrrrrrrr have an affair, but if in some wild, crazy twist of fate, he had to be a terrible gross gay, he would probably be in favor of terrible, gross gay marriage, because it is almost as sinful and evil to be unmarried as it is to be a horrible homosexual. Not quite, but almost!

There is a special place in hell for those well-dressed, limp-wristed, Lady Gaga-adoring abominations before the Lord. The Constitution in his head says so!

Which would help explain why a sweetheart like Mike would ever compare homosexuality to incest and drug addictions, or spend his days as Governor of Arkansas doing important, Godly things like eating deep-fried lard, banning gay adoptions, and preventing gays from becoming foster parents.

Just Like Jesus Would Do!

But, it's not like Huck is homophobic or anything.

“I’ve had people who worked for me who are homosexuals,” he insists. “And I don’t walk around thinking, Oh, I pity them so much. I accept them as who they are! It’s not like somehow their sin is so much worse than mine.” 

Except of course that it is! Like ten billion times worse, even!

And it is not just because he is personally repulsed by these unnatural things, like the wrong penis-to-vagina ratios, or say, an entire family of obese Southern-fried wingnuts, or anything grotesque like that.

He has called homosexuality “sinful and unnatural” and is fond of amusing audiences with the witticism “It’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.”

“I do believe that God created male and female and intended for marriage to be the relationship of the two opposite sexes,” Huckabee said in his New Yorker profile. “Male and female are biologically compatible to have a relationship. We can get into the ick factor, but the fact is two men in a relationship, two women in a relationship, biologically, that doesn’t work the same.”

Of course, Huckabee was oh so surprised to hear that Arkansas state representative Kathy Webb, a lesbian from Little Rock, had said, “Huckabee doesn’t seem to have a whole lot of tolerance and good will for gay people.”

“It’s not personal,” he replied. “I could argue that people who want to change marriage are angry at me for wanting to keep it like it is!”

Which is of course the holy consecration of one huge, hideous man and one equally enormous woman in the eyes of God, Man, and Arkansas' fattest finest export, a one Mike Huckabee!

But what about some arguments that don't have to do with "God" or "ickiness," but rather that other made-up, nonsense concoction liberals are always squawking about, "Science?"

“There are some pretty startling studies that show if you want to end poverty it’s not education and race, it’s monogamous marriage,” he said. “Many studies show that children who grow up in a healthy environment where they have both a mother and a father figure have both a healthier outlook and a different perspective from kids who don’t have the presence of both.”

Well, well whoda thunk the key to ending poverty isn't education or even making everyone perfectly pure and white, as Huck's fellow Fox News friends would have you believe. No, no, it's to make everyone perfectly straight instead!

Of course, in light of the new, 25-year study published by the American Academy of Pediatrics concluding that children brought up by lesbians were actually better adjusted than their peers, one would think a sharp, scientific mind like ol' Mike would be even slightly curious to know whether allowing gay people to marry had a positive or negative effect on children and society, right?

“No, not really. Why would I be?” he said, and laughed. The ol' card!

Why, just look at the strapping paradigms of health and fitness that sprung from his sacred, bessed heterosexual loins!

One glance at his fine, hearty brood, and you'll understand where the man's coming from, too!

Other than a starring role at the circus sideshow or record-shattering performance at the local all-you-can-eat buffet!

But at least we know why Mike has such an appreciation for humor and jokes. His entire life is one! I mean, how else do you expect him to cope? God??

Ha ha, yeah right! Unless El Savior comes beer battered and deep fried, no thanks, Huck will take a pass. He just doesn't have the stomach for it!

Picture-Perfect: A Huckabee Family Portrait

Fun Facts: Special Diva, Downer, Dachshund, & Diddley Edition

World famous quitter Sarah Palin may not need hoity-toity teleprompters when delivering one of her $100,000 "reading off-the-hand" things to elitist students at Cal State University, instead demanding all the usual perks you'd expect from the one-time mayor of a snow-covered meth lab, turned half-term governor, turned professional Facebooker, teevee star and full-time diva.

Thanks to the arugula-eating college kids who dug through the trash to find her half-shredded contract, we now know Sarah is just like the rest of us hardworking schlubs who insist upon first class when forced to fly commercial and rub elbows with the gross public. Ugh.

But if little Miss Tiddlywinks is spared slumming with the rest of the gross, Real Americans on an actual 727, "the private aircraft MUST BE a Lear 60 or larger." In addition, her highness must be provided with a suite, plus two rooms at the best hotel, and bendy straws in her water bottles.

And you just wait and see what happens if her straws aren't flexible, God damn it!

This of course does not include Palin's upwards of $100,000 speaking fees for the trouble of reading a semi-coherent list off the palm of her hand before taking questions from the extensively screened audience members whose questions are predetermined, lest sweet Sarah find herself in the uncomfortable situation of having to actually formulate an original thought 'stead of readin' generic fightin' words about how America is the bestest, most beautifulest, freeest, most God lovingest, awesomest country in the whole wide world and that is why we must drill, baby drill until every last small business owner has health care for the economy of the Real America without evil socialist government taxes cause they're mean and we hate 'em!

On the other hand, Alaska is awesome just like capitalism and Fox News and Tea Parties, and that is why we need to get that suspiciously Muslim Kenyan out of the White House and back to organizing dumb communities in Chicago (or was it China?) or wherever it is that hardworking people of color go to help better their impoverished communities because they hate America.

You know who doesn't hate America? Joe Lieberman that's who!

Sure, countless months and asinine teabagger rallies have passed, with nary a peep or even a Wah Wah about how the poors are ruining this or black people make him uncomfortable, or secret oil wars are good, from everyone's favorite bundle of charm and delight, Joseph Isadore Lieberman.

We were beginning to wonder if everything was alright with Jewish Benedict Arnold since he hadn't said or done anything dumb and terrible to piss people off or even try to ruin everything for everyone like he usually does so well.

But fear not my friends, because Connecticut's biggest mistake since neighboring terrible gay Taxachussetts, is back to remind America why we despise this sniveling wisp of a man in the first place.

Like saying how Sarah Palin is "warm and likable," and a "powerful force" who speaks for "a lot of people out there."

"I think ... Sarah Palin for a lot of people has become a spokesperson. People worried that government has forgotten them, that it has grown too big, that the deficit is growing too large, and in some sense that we're not being as strong as we should be in the world—Governor Palin has spoken to those concerns as much as anyone."

"I do disagree with her on some of the specifics that she has said, but I think anybody who underestimates Sarah Palin as a political force in America does so at some peril, because she is speaking for a lot of people out there.

Especially those who kan't read good and/or have babies out of wedlock after a drunken night in the back of a pickup truck.

But that's not all! You see Joe has never quite felt comfortable with these massive majorities for the party that nominated him for vice-president way back in 2000, the very party he caucuses with, and which grants him the numerous chairmanships and high ranking positions on valuable committees he covets so much.

And that is why Joe is so very thankful that the Great Pendulum of American Democracy will swing back towards the Republicans— America's true party—come 2010 when the Grand Old Party retakes the House, Senate, and the nation back from brink of Socialist ruin at the hands of a radical black man from Kenya.

"There were a lot of people, particularly Democrats, who were declaring after the 2008 election that we were beginning a period of Democratic dominance that would go on for decades," Lieberman said during an interview with the conservative Newsmax magazine. "Now, all of a sudden, the momentum is with the Republicans. And that's—thank God—that's the way people have spoken, you know? That's our democracy."

And thank God (the Republican God, not the liberal "Allah," that is), that I, Joseph Lieberman, live in a Democracy where I can vote against this beautiful, heaven-sent tsunami of Republican momentum on things like evil ObamaCare (if it suits me) and still pray for this delicious GOP tidal wave to sweep me up in its frothy wake. Or if all else fails, just become an Independent because I, Joe Lieberman, don't answer to anyone, except Sarah Palin, my wife Hadassah, and the many interest groups who put money in my very deep, always hungry pockets. For America!

No, senator, thank God for you! I mean how else would we, the dumb public, know what a real, live chameleon looks like when trying desperately to survive in the jungle of American politics? Survival of the fittest is alive and well my friends!

Speaking of the evolutionary LIE that is survival of the fittest, creationist and former morbidly obese governor of Arkansas, Mike Huckabee, does not believe that children are puppies. As such, these youngins (which are distinctively different than their canine counterparts), deserve to be with fellow carbon-based, sentient beings like humans, not terrible disgusting blights on humanity like gross gay people.

In the interview, good ol' Huck explained why he supports the Arkansas law barring same-sex couples from adopting or becoming foster parents. "This is not about trying to create statements for people who want to change the basic fundamental definitions of family," Huckabee said. "And always we should act in the best interest of the children, not in the seeming interest of the adults."

"Children are not puppies," he said. "This is not a time to see if we can experiment and find out, how does this work?"

Much better to just keep 'em in the pound orphanage where they feel comfortable (cold, hungry, and alone) than start 'experimenting' with two parents who love and care for them and want to provide them with an actual home and family and other such things that humans have no need for.

"You don't go ahead and accommodate every behavioral pattern that is against the ideal. That would be like saying, well, there are a lot of people who like to use drugs, so let's go ahead and accommodate those who want who use drugs. There are some people who believe in incest, so we should accommodate them. There are people who believe in polygamy, so we should accommodate them."

Hell no, we don't! That would also be like saying there are people out there who believe that humans and dinosaurs lived side by side, in perfect harmony, after God crafted Adam from silly putty, before springing Eve from his hearty rib in a moment of artistic expression, so we should accommodate them too. Ha ha imagine that!

Which is why the gays can feel free to adopt and sodomize as many puppies as they'd like but not babies because gays shouldn't be allowed to own those things. Ever.

Speaking of li'l miracles of God, that dumb community organizer who can't even see Russia from his porch and thus doesn't even know what a nuclear weapon is, Barack Obama, managed to get 47 other countries to sign on to his terrible and dangerous, "Don't Give Nukes To Terrorists Pact." Ugh. Why does this guy love Osama bin Laden so much, and why couldn't America have elected someone smart and responsible like Sarah Palin (or even Bristol!) as president of the world instead?

One wink and you betcha! the terrorists would know who's boss.

When not working hard to ensure Virginia remains for straight lovers, not gay sinners, Gov. Bob McDonnell showed his support for all things Southern, by declaring April "Confederate History Month," without even mentioning that little historical hiccup known as slavery.

Ooops. Of course, after Virginians criticized the governor for his innocent omission of the fact that white people owned black people as property, McDonnell quickly apologized for his insensitivity and added language to the decree calling slavery "evil and inhumane."

This makes one fellow GOP Governor of Mississippi, proud former slaveowner and defender against Northern Aggression, Haley Barbour, very upset.

He simply doesn't understand all the brouhaha over something as insignificant as the forced enslavement of an entire people in order to keep cotton costs low. Hello?? Ever heard of savvy business maneuvers? Is this not America, the land of opportunity?

"To me, it's a sort of feeling that it's a nit, that it is not significant, that it's not a — it's trying to make a big deal out of something that doesn't matter for diddly," Barbour told CNN.

Well, maybe for Bo Diddley, but 3/5ths doesn't count much anyway.

In that case, guess Sasha and Malia will have to come up with a more suitable namesake for First Dog "Bo" than the original R&B rock 'n roller. Something to really catch the white power essence of America's heroic struggle against Northern Aggression. How does Barbourian sound?

A Police Massacre in Washington: Just One of Huck's Many, Costly Regrets

Tough talkin,' bible thumpin,' obesity trumpin' former presidential laughingstock Mike Huckabee might be having some second thoughts about commuting Maurice Clemmons' life sentence way back when he was still the rotund governor of Arkansas. But that doesn't mean it's Huck's fault the psycho went off and massacred four police officers while they unassumingly sipped lattes in a coffeehouse in Washington state.

Of course, Huckabee is the reason that Maurice Clemmons, once sentenced to 100 years in an Arkansas prison for a series of burglaries, ended up a free man and the now armed and dangerous prime suspect in the grisly execution-style murders of four Seattle police officers.

By the time then-governor Huckabee was considering a plea for clemency in 2000, Clemmons had already spent a decade behind bars, and vowed he was a changed man. And since Huckabee granted more pardons and commutations than most other governors (being the devout Baptist minister that he is), Clemmons figured why not stress his new-found faith in Jesus Christ in his letter to Huckabee:

Clemmons said he came from "a very good Christian family" and "was raised much better than my actions speak (I'm still ashamed to this day for the shame my stupid involvement in these crimes brought to my family name.)," he wrote.

"Where once stood a young (16) year old misguided fool, who's (sic) own life he was unable to rule. Now stands a 27 year old man, who has learned through 'the school of hard knocks' to appreciate and respect the rights of others. And who has in the midst of the harsh reality of prison life developed the necessary skills to stand along (sic) and not follow a multitude of do evil, as I did as a 16 year old child."

Clemmons added that his mother had recently died without seeing him turn his life around and that he prayed Huckabee would show compassion by releasing him.

So despite the protests of prosecutors, Huckabee commuted Clemmons' sentence to 47 years in May 2000, citing his youth at the time of his crimes and severity of the punishment. The board granted parole in July and Clemmons was released in August, but found himself off the Jesus wagon and back in the slammer for another Arkansas robbery one year later.

Although he received a 10-year sentence, Clemmons was paroled again in 2004 and soon moved to Washington State, where he managed to avoid run-ins with the police until earlier this year when he once again ran afoul of the law, this time on second-degree child rape charges.

A week before Sunday's mass murder, Clemmons was released on $150,000 bail, despite evidence in the rape investigation trial revealing an increasingly troubled man who "thought he could fly and that President Obama would visit to confirm that he is the Messiah in the flesh."

While hindsight is always 20/20, with plenty of blame to go around regarding Clemmons' questionable path through the criminal justice system, "everything that came after, including Clemmons' speedy release, flows from [Huckabee's] decision," Arkansas Times' Max Brantley points out.

Huckabee meanwhile has sought to place responsibility on his favorite scapegoat for parolees-gone-wild: the parole board, despite appointing the members himself and holding ultimate authority over them. But such things are incidental to ol' Mike. Why get hung up on such trivial details?

Then again this isn't the first time Huck has tried to pass the buck to the board when a parolee he pardons decides to burgle, rape or kill after tasting the sweet nectar of freedom.

Let us not forget the case of Wayne DuMond--the man whose release Huckabee also helped broker before he went on to kill at least one woman in Missouri--which became a real thorn-in-the-side for ol' Huck's 2008 Republican presidential aspirations, outside of the very meaningful Iowa Straw Poll of course.

Naturally Huckabee will be doing the talk-show rounds to explain how if Clemmons is found responsible, "it will be the result of a series of failures in the criminal justice system in both Arkansas and Washington State."

Not anything to do with him or his excellent decision-making abilities and enlightened views.

Like advocating the isolation of AIDS patients until as late as 2007, helping rid Devil science like evolution from schools, and of course showing mercy and compassion to violent, mentally unstable repeat offenders.

But hell, as long as they're not homosexuals!

Beginner's Luck? Huck No! Mike's Taking This Win All The Way To The White House

Wooohooo! Conservative Christian cuddlebug Mike Huckabee once again showed his uncanny ability to win meaningless straw polls by picking up his first insignificant victory of the season at this year's Family Research Council Values Voter Summit. Huck, Huck Hooray!

The newly svelte but still God-fearing former Gov. of Arkansas racked up nearly 29 percent of the vote in the 2012 presidential straw poll to cruise to an easy victory in a crowded field of fellow Republican zealots and patriots eying the White House.

Huckabee beat out the usual mix of heavy-hitters and up-and-comers like former Massachusetts Gov. and current Mormon Mitt "Mittens" Romney, Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty, sultry former Alaska Gov. Sarah "Barracuda" Palin, and Indiana Rep. Mike Pence, with all four losers each receiving about 12% of the vote.

Of the top five finishers, all but the Barracuda herself addressed the conference, who we can only assume was way too busy tending to important matters like canceling speaking engagements at the last-minute and posting nonsensical rants on her Favoritest Facebook. Perhaps Miss Thang can squeeze 'em in next year if she's not on a hunting expedition or hitting the book tour circuit or doing whatever it is that unemployed superstar Alaskan imports do.

In announcing the poll results no one cares about anyway, Family Research Council President Tony Perkins praised winner Mike Huckabee for having his "finger on the pulse" of conservative voters and a "gift for connecting with the GOP’s cultural base," but said organizers were still kind of hoping for someone who was actually a viable presidential candidate to win.

"We want a fully-rounded conservative candidate," he said. "Right now, the door's wide open." Ouch.

But being the good-natured, jolly (former) fat man that he is, Huckabee took his win in stride, accepting his victory like a true former Baptist minister and fringe candidate of the far right: by citing scripture and urging the party to resist any pressure to abandon social issues.

"There are so many people who have told us as conservatives that we should move to the center, on the sanctity of marriage or the sanctity of life,” Huckabee said, adding: “I'm not sure the center makes a whole lot of sense when it's coming from people who certainly don't have our interest, or our country's interest, at heart."

You tell 'em Hucky! Don't cave, bend, sway, shift, or compromise for anyone, especially the Godless Socialist Dems currently tasked with getting America out of the sh*thole a certain compassionate conservative stud named W put it in.

Those hedonists, homosexuals, abortionists and assorted other deviants over in Washington don't have the country's best interest at heart, unlike you decent, church-going folk who love America so much you pray every night for it to fail and go down the tubes along with that charismatic, young Kenyan man Barry. Who just may or may not be the devil himself.

No-Name Bush Speechwriter's "Tell-All" Magnum Opus Will Save Journalism!

Some speechwriter for George W. Bush you've never heard of named Matt Latimer who had the joy, no make that the privilege, to serve El Presidente numero 43 during the tail-end of his 8-year-term screwing America from behind, is giving the nation a much anticipated behind-the-scenes glimpse into the total disintegration of the Bush White House in its final days as it dealt with the 2008 presidential race, the Wall Street collapse, and a host of other problems it had not the faintest clue how to solve.

Of course, this mid-level White House wordsmith is clearly the only one to know anything about the inner-workings of the Bush White House (more even than the man himself), since he worked in the White House turning nonsensical ideas into coherent sentences and witty sound-bytes for Fox News to run on repeat during the President's final twenty-two months. That's almost two years!

Which was more than enough time for Matt Latimer to realize his dreams of going to Washington to usher in the next Reagan Revolution wasn't going to happen with a president who'd rather put whoopee cushions on chairs in the West Wing than have a serious discussion about the economic meltdown consuming the nation.

In 2007 I finally made it to the Bush White House as a presidential speechwriter. But it was not at all what I envisioned. It was less like Aaron Sorkin’s The West Wing and more like The Office. After watching Karl Rove’s bizarre farewell to White House staffers and hearing the president dismiss the conservative movement I believed in (“I know it sounds arrogant to say,” he told me, “but I redefined the Republican Party”), I thought I could muddle through till the end. Washington might not have been the city I had dreamed of, but I figured things couldn’t get much worse.

Spoiler alert: He's wrong. They do! But before all hell breaks loose, this VIP White House insider got just enough juicy tidbits to ensure his post-Dubya days wouldn't be spent toiling away in shameful obscurity but as a full-fledged celebrity. We're talking Levi Johnston level star here!

Exciting, little-known morsels of fun like how even as he was shoring up his case to win the worst president ever award, George W. Bush still found time for the important stuff like making everyone laugh with his unique blend of wit and charm, despite capitalism as we know it crashing down around him.

To look like we were doing more, we announced various initiatives, such as assembling an alliance to encourage lenders to renegotiate loans. For a while, the communications guys—Ed Gillespie and Kevin Sullivan—wanted the president to give a toll-free number for Americans to call for assistance with their mortgages. I thought that was embarrassing, as if George W. Bush were Jerry Lewis.

Yeah, cause that's what's embarrassing about his presidency.

Wanna know something else? Much like our soon-to-be-famous new friend and journalist extraordinaire Matt Latimer, Dubya didn't much care for any of the available presidential options to replace him in 2008 since none had the special God-given gift of being born a Bush.

The president, like me, didn’t seem to be in love with any of the available options. He always believed Hillary Clinton would be the Democratic nominee. “Wait till her fat keister is sitting at this desk,” he once said (except he didn’t say “keister”). He didn’t think much of Barack Obama. After one of Obama’s blistering speeches against the administration, the president had a very human reaction: He was ticked off. He came in one day to rehearse a speech, fuming. “This is a dangerous world,” he said for no apparent reason, “and this cat isn’t remotely qualified to handle it. This guy has no clue, I promise you.” He wound himself up even more. “You think I wasn’t qualified?” he said to no one in particular. “I was qualified.”

Wait, did Dubya just call Obama "this cat?"

The president didn’t think much of Joe Biden either. “Dana, did you tell them my line?” the president once asked with a smile on his face. “No, Mr. President,” Dana Perino replied hesitantly. “I didn’t.” He paused for a minute. I could see him thinking maybe he shouldn’t say it, but he couldn’t resist. “If bullshit was currency,” he said straight-faced, “Joe Biden would be a billionaire.”

HAHAHAHAHA. OMG, it just doesn't get much better than that. For reals! Bush also considered Sarah Palin to be one of the biggest idiots he'd ever met, not counting all those A-holes in Congress he always had to go in front of and say big words to. “This woman is being put into a position she is not even remotely prepared for,” he said. “She hasn’t spent one day on the national level. Neither has her family. Let’s wait and see how she looks five days out.”

There's a bunch more stuff about how Bush didn't like McCain either, mostly because McCain refused to be seen with Bush and spent the last year or so bashing his administration which made things kinda awkward, but heck, anything was better than having some crazy Dem in office. Cause then everyone would know how much Bush sucked and that wouldn't be good for him or the Republican party he helped destroy. So that was that.

Thank you Matt Latimer for doing the whole world a favor and proving once and for all that Mike Huckabee was all wrong about journalism being a rotting, maggot infested corpse of lies and misinformation.

The fourth estate is alive and well my friend!

Mike Huckabee Suspects Journalism Is As Dead As His Career

What in the world could be in worse shape than the loose, flabby skin on the once morbidly obese body of Mike Huckabee? Why, it's the sorry state of Journalism, of course!

Former rotund Arkansas GOP Governor-turned Fox News talk show host Mike Huckabee went on the last trustworthy news network on the planet to vent about the terrible demise of the press (excluding Fox News of course), which has been reduced to "ink-stained drivel that smeared the pages of paper and the people who attempted to read it."

"I'm sad to report today a death of a good friend to all of us…..Journalism," Huckabee wrote on his political action committee's blog. "The once esteemed 4th estate of our nation and the protector of our freedoms and a watchdog of our rights has passed away after a long struggle with a crippling and debilitating disease of acute dishonesty aggravated by advanced laziness and the loss of brain function."

Wait a minute, Huck! You're not saying being a Republican is contagious, are you??

As evidence for his heart-felt eulogy of the media, Huckabee looked no further than the recent coverage of his totally appropriate and completely innocent remarks about how Sen. Ted Kennedy would have been told to "go home to take pain pills and die" if that demonchild Barack Obama had his way on health care.

"Bloggers and other supposedly professional journalists then took those already distorted interpretations, treated them as sources, and added their own spices," Huckabee said. "Newsweek even had the audacity to use quote marks around a statement never even uttered as if it were my actual words."

Which they were, had they been published by a real source like the National Review, instead of a washed-up rag of liberal propaganda like Newsweek.

"Journalism had grown increasingly dependent on spin-doctor spoon feeding and the circular and insular quoting of other journalists instead of attempting to locate and quote actual first person sources," Huck said, adding that, "No memorial is planned as the practitioners of propaganda seem to be unaware that they have passed away and continue to publish anyway."

In other words, what sweet ol' Huck doesn't understand is why no one ever wants to write about him, except maybe to make fun of him for being stupid. And fat. Aw, snap!

How The Hell Did Mike Huckabee Not Win Past Iowa?

Former double bacon cheeseburger loving Arkansas governor and messenger of God Mike Huckabee knows a few things about logic and good taste. (Especially the latter, because, trust me, you don't get to be 300 lbs without it).

Which is why it comes as a total shock that he would defy both of them on his radio show, The Huckabee Report, by accusing those awful Democrats of trying to use Kennedy’s death to rally support for the President's terribly socialist health care reform package. The nerve!

"Senator Ted Kennedy’s death had barely hit the news before we started hearing calls that Congress must hurry and pass a health care reform bill and do it in his memory," he said. "That not only defies good taste, it defies logic."

Sure does Huck! We haven't even rolled his old bones into the ground yet and already the Dems are selfishly trying to use the memory of a man whose life work was dedicated to reforming health care as one more reason to actually pass health care reform.

"We certainly can and should respect his years of advocacy and work for things that he truly believed in," he added. "But easily the worst reason to do it is in the name of someone who gave us the most shining example of why this particular bill is so bad."

Wait, what the Huck did he just say?

"[I]t was President Obama himself who suggested that seniors who don't have as long to live might want to consider just taking a pain pill instead of getting an expensive operation to cure them," Huckabee said. "Yet when Sen. Kennedy was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer at 77, did he give up on life and go home to take pain pills and die? Of course not. He freely did what most of us would do. He choose an expensive operation and painful follow up treatments."

You hear that people? He did exactly what "most of us" Americans who are as rich as Kennedy would do: paid for the bestest, most expensivest treatment available. That's one of the advantages of being a Kennedy, you have so much money, you don't need to "go home to take pain pills and die" like you would under NObama's plan. You get options.

Using this airtight logic, Huck has come up with a few ideas of his own for solving the whole health care crisis the Dems keep squawking about.

"A better way to honor Ted Kennedy would be if every American has access to the latest private health care as good as what senators receive.”

That's a brilliant idea and will work perfectly too, because what American isn't as rich Ted Kennedy or Mike Huckabee for that matter?

Problem solved. But for those few povs out there (unlike the rest of us Kennedys and Huckabees), there's always the old-fashioned, 1-2-3 punch to cure disease: the All-American alcohol-pills-gunshot-to-the-head combo!

Mike Huckabee Loves God Too Much To Support Comrade Barry's Assault On Religion

Everyone knows Comrade Barry's $828 billion stimulus package is just part of the Democrats' grand master plan to transform America into Soviet Russia.

But did you know the stimulus bill hates God? Well it does. And if you support it, you obviously hate God too.

Just ask former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee. He knows all about the deviant, "anti-religious" nature of Obama's devil bill, which bans higher education funds from being used on a “school or department of divinity.”

I mean who does Barry think he is, acting all founding father-like trying to separate church and state, like some nouveau Benjamin Franklin.

Luckily, America has Mike Huckabee to warn us about this liberal scourge masquerading as an economic stimulus bill to help millions of struggling Americans.

“You would think the ACLU drafted this bill...Emily’s List, radical environmental groups...are working with an equally ‘progressive’ President Obama" to ruin America and take away our precious freedoms.

Next thing you know Obama will be telling us humans really evolved from apes and not Adam's rib or some other crazy, half-cooked liberal concoction like that.