Barack Obama Hits The Road As His Approval Hits The Skids, While Michele Bachman Wins Over Iowa By Shoving Corn Dogs Into Wide Gaping Holes

2012 Fever is on the rise in Iowa, where desperate Republican candidates (and Marcus Bachmann!) deep-throated footlong corndogs (for freedom) in order to get elected President of the "Ames Straw Poll," hobnob with racist, old, white Midwesterners, provide endless comedic relief to the rest of us, and of course, prove to the entire nation their skills are second-to-none when it comes to gobbling down various delicious meat-on-stick combinations.

Hotttttttt!

Michele Bachmann narrowly won the Iowa straw poll of Republicans on Saturday in the first big test of the 2012 presidential campaign, as Texas Governor Rick Perry formally launched a White House bid that could reshape the race.

Tim Pawlenty, the former governor of Minnesota, dropped out of the presidential race Sunday morning after finishing a distant third in Saturday’s Iowa GOP straw poll.

T-Paw, we hardly knew ye. And that was how we liked it.

Candidates who go all-in but fall well short in Ames typically find it difficult to raise money, and without personal wealth to fall back on, Mr. Pawlenty decided to cut his losses and bow out. In addition, the entry of Texas Gov. Rick Perry into the race Saturday, combined with Minnesota Rep. Michele Bachmann’s victory in the straw poll, has shifted the focus to their expected battle for the hearts and minds of conservatives.

Good-bye, what’s his name, Tim Polenta or whatever. Hello, crazy lady and new "serious candidate" guy, Rick Perry. The one who prayed to God for rain.

USA! USA! USA! USA!

So, while the mercury was rising in the cornfields deep fat fryers of bumblef**k Iowa, things were cooling off considerably for a one, Barack Obama, whose popularity has plummeted thanks to a hellish economy and even more hellish Congress filled with hellish human teabags.

According to the latest Gallup Poll, Barack Obama's approval has fallen to 39%, his lowest presidential approval rate yet, putting him on par with adult onset diabetes, bumper-to-bumper traffic, heat rash, mowing your lawn with a small pair of dull scissors, and getting stuck in an elevator, marooned a deserted island, or just having to spend an extended period of time with any one of the lovely Republican presidential candidates, not including Tim Pawlenty, who falls somewhere between Ebola and the Plague.

But what ever should an increasingly unpopular politician do to raise cash money, when "being good at your job/saving the nation from catastrophe" just doesn't seem to cut it?

Umm, let's see, ask, "What Would Sarah Do?" then hightail it to the nearest bus depot, get behind the wheel of the biggest, most souped up, 18-wheeler tour bus available, paint a big, gaudy American flag right smack dab in the middle, and rumble aimlessly across the country, whoring yourself out for as much money and attention as possible.

Oh look, he's already got one of Sarah Palin's tricks down pat. Blame everybody else for everything wrong all the time, every hour of every day, “as though your job depends upon it.”

From The Hill:

President Obama, itching to spend more time outside of Washington, begins a three-day bus tour of the Midwest on Monday afternoon in Minnesota.

Obama is expected to use the trip to highlight his own criticism of Congress and Washington as he increasingly looks to run against Washington in 2012 despite four years on the job in the Oval Office.

“During the debt-ceiling debate we were trapped here, it felt like, for many, many weeks,” White House communications director Dan Pfeiffer said Friday.

“He got his first trip out of Washington [last week] to Michigan, and he’s looking forward to traveling back home to Illinois, to Minnesota, and also, of course, to Iowa, which is a place that always has had a special connection with this president and this White House.”

See, Obama hates being nailed down at his job as much as the rest of the 9-5 schlubs in America. Well, other than pray-the-gay-away therapist/personal stylist exraordinaire/secret sausage king Marcus Bachmann, that is.

"If you're talking about a stunt, I don't think a stunt is what the American people are looking for," White House press secretary, Jay Carney, told reporters. "They're looking for leadership, and they're looking for a focus on economic growth and job creation."

By shoving thick tubular meat down their throats, we presume!

A Police Massacre in Washington: Just One of Huck's Many, Costly Regrets

Tough talkin,' bible thumpin,' obesity trumpin' former presidential laughingstock Mike Huckabee might be having some second thoughts about commuting Maurice Clemmons' life sentence way back when he was still the rotund governor of Arkansas. But that doesn't mean it's Huck's fault the psycho went off and massacred four police officers while they unassumingly sipped lattes in a coffeehouse in Washington state.

Of course, Huckabee is the reason that Maurice Clemmons, once sentenced to 100 years in an Arkansas prison for a series of burglaries, ended up a free man and the now armed and dangerous prime suspect in the grisly execution-style murders of four Seattle police officers.

By the time then-governor Huckabee was considering a plea for clemency in 2000, Clemmons had already spent a decade behind bars, and vowed he was a changed man. And since Huckabee granted more pardons and commutations than most other governors (being the devout Baptist minister that he is), Clemmons figured why not stress his new-found faith in Jesus Christ in his letter to Huckabee:

Clemmons said he came from "a very good Christian family" and "was raised much better than my actions speak (I'm still ashamed to this day for the shame my stupid involvement in these crimes brought to my family name.)," he wrote.

"Where once stood a young (16) year old misguided fool, who's (sic) own life he was unable to rule. Now stands a 27 year old man, who has learned through 'the school of hard knocks' to appreciate and respect the rights of others. And who has in the midst of the harsh reality of prison life developed the necessary skills to stand along (sic) and not follow a multitude of do evil, as I did as a 16 year old child."

Clemmons added that his mother had recently died without seeing him turn his life around and that he prayed Huckabee would show compassion by releasing him.

So despite the protests of prosecutors, Huckabee commuted Clemmons' sentence to 47 years in May 2000, citing his youth at the time of his crimes and severity of the punishment. The board granted parole in July and Clemmons was released in August, but found himself off the Jesus wagon and back in the slammer for another Arkansas robbery one year later.

Although he received a 10-year sentence, Clemmons was paroled again in 2004 and soon moved to Washington State, where he managed to avoid run-ins with the police until earlier this year when he once again ran afoul of the law, this time on second-degree child rape charges.

A week before Sunday's mass murder, Clemmons was released on $150,000 bail, despite evidence in the rape investigation trial revealing an increasingly troubled man who "thought he could fly and that President Obama would visit to confirm that he is the Messiah in the flesh."

While hindsight is always 20/20, with plenty of blame to go around regarding Clemmons' questionable path through the criminal justice system, "everything that came after, including Clemmons' speedy release, flows from [Huckabee's] decision," Arkansas Times' Max Brantley points out.

Huckabee meanwhile has sought to place responsibility on his favorite scapegoat for parolees-gone-wild: the parole board, despite appointing the members himself and holding ultimate authority over them. But such things are incidental to ol' Mike. Why get hung up on such trivial details?

Then again this isn't the first time Huck has tried to pass the buck to the board when a parolee he pardons decides to burgle, rape or kill after tasting the sweet nectar of freedom.

Let us not forget the case of Wayne DuMond--the man whose release Huckabee also helped broker before he went on to kill at least one woman in Missouri--which became a real thorn-in-the-side for ol' Huck's 2008 Republican presidential aspirations, outside of the very meaningful Iowa Straw Poll of course.

Naturally Huckabee will be doing the talk-show rounds to explain how if Clemmons is found responsible, "it will be the result of a series of failures in the criminal justice system in both Arkansas and Washington State."

Not anything to do with him or his excellent decision-making abilities and enlightened views.

Like advocating the isolation of AIDS patients until as late as 2007, helping rid Devil science like evolution from schools, and of course showing mercy and compassion to violent, mentally unstable repeat offenders.

But hell, as long as they're not homosexuals!

Slick Rick, The Ruler!

Remember that former Pennsylvania senator and certified Republican nutjob Rick Santorum who simply CANNOT see the difference between a man having sex with another man and a man having sex with a dog?

Well, guess what America? He wants to be your next president, and as such, will head to Iowa in early October for the only reason people go to Iowa at the start of a six-month winter: to convince the Republican party's wingnut base that they love Jesus and are ideologically deranged enough to win the Iowa Straw Poll and become the next Republican presidential nominee. Yeah!

Sort of like Mike Huckabee last year. That worked out, right?

Anyway, so crazy Rick Santorum is hoping to be like Mike and channel some sweet Iowa-love in his triumphant return to the political arena since basically getting anally raped in his 2006 Senate re-election bid trouncing. By a Democrat, no less!

So, go Rick Santorum! It's always a treat when everything that's wrong with the Republican Party is rolled nicely into a single, insane candidate.

Plus, I hear Iowa has quite the soft spot for whack job conservatives who believe consenting adults have no constitutional right to privacy when it comes to sexual behavior, particularly deviant kinds like homo sex, incest, polygamy, and bestiality, all of which are exactly the same and equally abominations before the Lord.

But that's not it! Rick also happens to be anti-evolution, anti-immigrant, anti-abortion, anti-gay and anti-anything that even remotely resembles sane, rational thought or intelligence of any kind.

To make things easier, you can just call him the Antichrist.