With Dreams Of The White House Fading Fast, Michele Bachmann Will Take Her One-Woman Circus Act To A Much More Appropriate Place: The Nut House

After months of deep-throating various meats-on-sticks and confusing serial killer clowns (John Wayne Gacy) with lady-killer movie stars (John Wayne), America's favorite blue-eyed basket case of the Midwest Michele Bachmann officially announced she is ending her presidential campaign to honor fellow faux grrrrrl power quitter extraordinaire Sarah Palin focus on her real job, crusading against cancer vaccines and reminding people what crazy looks like. (Approximately 5'2" with brown hair and pouty lips).

*Sigh!* Poor hubby Marcus Bachmann will never get to be First Lady, after all!

National Journal reports the heart-breaking news:

Rep. Michele Bachmann is suspending her presidential campaign, said a senior Republican official with direct knowledge of the lawmaker’s plans.
The official, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said the Minnesota lawmaker, a favorite of the tea party wing of the party and a harsh critic of President Obama, realized after her sixth-place finish in Iowa’s caucuses that “there was no viable way forward.” By suspending her campaign, Bachmann is effectively dropping out.

Of course, Bachmann is already well-versed in this arena, having effectively dropped out of reality long ago.

But fear not, friends, because while Michele may be down, she's certainly not out! As long as there are rural, racist, white folks to dupe, immigrants to scapegoat, gross gays to cure (or in her case, marry), a black man in the White House, and a country resembling the sinful 21st, not glorious 18th century, Michele Bachmann will always have a job to do!

“I look forward to the next chapter in God’s plan. He has one for each of us, you know,” she said at the press conference.

Hers, of course, includes wallowing in a loveless, sexless marriage to her husband, Marcus, who is not gay, so please stop asking, followed by what will likely be a lengthy stay in a white-washed, windowless room with padded walls.

Or, if all goes well, that other place lunatic Republican woman feel right at home: the Vice Presidential slot on the GOP ticket.

[image via Wonkette]

Michele Bachmann Generously Offers To Let Gays Get Straight Married, Just Like Marcus Bachmann Did!

Minnesota hellwoman and (un)equal rights warrior Michele Bachmann is no stranger to fighting for the little people, those least able to speak for themselves, like the li'l fairy living inside Marcus and the various insane voices living inside her head.

Which is why Michele is working hard to ensure that the civil rights of all Americans are protected, but especially the white heterosexual Christian ones because they are better and infinitely more important, according to Jesus and the Constitution.

But it's not as if Michele is saying gay people shouldn't get married because they are gross abominations of God who will burn in eternal hellfire for their gross gay sins. Not at all! She's simply saying that if gays feel the need to get hitched so damn badly, they can go ahead and feel free to marry a person of the opposite sex, like normal, decent Americans who make a living secretly praying the gay away.

"[Gay people] can get married,” she says, “But they abide by the same law as everyone else. They can marry a man if they’re a woman. Or they can marry a woman if they’re a man." Oooh, so many options!

So straight people can marry who they love, and gay people can marry a straight person because this is how "civil rights" works, or at least according to someone with a mail-order law degree from Crazy Christian U and unshakeable belief that mandatory HPV vaccinations make you retarded.

Luckily, one thoughtful young woman and president of Waverly High School's Gay-Straight Alliance, Jane Schmidt, apparently missed her government-forced vaccination/mental retardation shot because she confronted Miss Bachmann on her obvious inability to make any sense whatsoever.

JANE SCHMIDT: One of my main concerns is government support for the LGBT community. So my question is what would you do to protect GSAs in high school and support the LGBT community.
BACHMANN: Well, No. 1, all of us as Americans have the same rights. The same civil rights. And so that's really what government's role is, to protect our civil rights. There shouldn't be any special rights or special set of criteria based upon people's preferences. We all have the same civil rights.
JANE SCHMIDT: Then, why can't same-sex couples get married?
BACHMANN: They can get married, but they abide by the same law as everyone else. They can marry a man if they’re a woman. Or they can marry a woman if they're a man.
JANE SCHMIDT: Why can't a man marry a man?
BACHMANN: Because that's not the law of the land.
JANE SCHMIDT: So heterosexual couples have a privilege.
BACHMANN: No, they have the same opportunity under the law. There is no right to same-sex marriage.
JANE SCHMIDT: So you won't support the LGBT community?
BACHMANN: No, I said that there are no special rights for people based upon your sex practices. There's no special rights based upon what you do in your sex life. You're an American citizen first and foremost and that's it.
BACHMANN: Remember every American citizen has the right to avail themselves to marriage but they have to follow what the laws are. And the laws are you marry a person of the opposite sex.

Exactly! It's common decency! Kind of like when an insane congresswoman goes on some psychotic, incoherent, mind-numbingly illogical rant, it is your duty to point out the fact that gay marriage is indeed lawful in Iowa, where she was speaking. Not in Minnesota, of course, which at least makes a pretty good legal argument for how she ended up married to Marcus Bachmann.

Though on the bright side, according to the Constitution, Michele is still free to go fuck herself.

Which comes as quite a relief. Not least of all to Marcus!

[image via The Raw Story]

Michele Bachmann's Presidential Hopes Are Sinking So Fast, Her Entire New Hampshire Staff Decided To Jump Ship For Something Safer, Like The Titanic

America's favorite blue-eyed basket case Michele Bachmann is sure having a rough go at this whole running for president thing. Turns out, convincing more than 4.8 percent of the voting population that you are indeed just as capable of ruling the free world as being involuntarily committed to the local psych ward is a lot harder than it looks! (Remember to blink, Michele, remember to blink!).

And just when you thought it couldn't get any worse than one of her debate performances, the unthinkable happens: her entire New Hampshire staff (all six of them!) upped and quit, because well, umm, do you really need to ask?

Staff members in New Hampshire for presidential candidate Michele Bachmann have resigned en masse, a Republican familiar with the situation said on Friday, in a fresh blow to her 2012 hopes.
All of the staffers, said to number six, resigned on Thursday, the Republican said.
New Hampshire's WMUR television said the reason given was due to the Bachmann campaign's lack of focus on New Hampshire, which holds the country's first primary election.
"It certainly underscores the impression that New Hampshire isn't a priority for her. She's totally written us off," said former Republican state legislator Fran Wendelboe.

That's because much like the pink unicorns, twinkling pixies, and dancing elves, they're nothing more than figments of her own, heavily medicated imagination!

But that's not it! Michele is such a loser, in fact, that even the hippie dippie liberal heathens of San Francisco couldn't be bothered enough to gather their Godless queer selves together and shout lame liberal things at her like why Mexicans have feelings too, and poor people shouldn't be forced to die in the streets as punishment for being such poor losers.

The San Francisco Chronicle reports:

Critics say the lack of any protest at Bachmann's Commonwealth Club appearance Thursday is a sign of the fading relevance of her campaign. The winner of the Iowa Straw Poll has just 4.8 percent support in the latest average of major polls by RealClearPolitics.com - sixth among the eight GOP presidential candidates. Former Godfather's Pizza CEO Herman Cain is the front-runner with 26 percent.
Even San Francisco's most hard-core activists couldn't be bothered to protest Bachmann, who once said same-sex marriage was the most important issue facing the nation. She's against it.
"Maybe people are waiting for Herman Cain to come to town," said Tenoch Flores, a spokesman for the California Democratic Party.

Or maybe they are waiting for the paint to dry on the walls of their Castro apartment, or for their marijuana plants to grow, or for the warranty on their mufflers to expire, or for their water purifier to filter, or for their tofu burgers to grill, or for the next terrible natural disaster to strike, or to catch whatever strain of influenza is going around these days, all of which are still infinitely more exciting than waiting for Michele Bachmann.

Marcus, on the other hand, was welcomed with open arms.

[image via Wonkette]

Barack Obama Hits The Road As His Approval Hits The Skids, While Michele Bachman Wins Over Iowa By Shoving Corn Dogs Into Wide Gaping Holes

2012 Fever is on the rise in Iowa, where desperate Republican candidates (and Marcus Bachmann!) deep-throated footlong corndogs (for freedom) in order to get elected President of the "Ames Straw Poll," hobnob with racist, old, white Midwesterners, provide endless comedic relief to the rest of us, and of course, prove to the entire nation their skills are second-to-none when it comes to gobbling down various delicious meat-on-stick combinations.

Hotttttttt!

Michele Bachmann narrowly won the Iowa straw poll of Republicans on Saturday in the first big test of the 2012 presidential campaign, as Texas Governor Rick Perry formally launched a White House bid that could reshape the race.

Tim Pawlenty, the former governor of Minnesota, dropped out of the presidential race Sunday morning after finishing a distant third in Saturday’s Iowa GOP straw poll.

T-Paw, we hardly knew ye. And that was how we liked it.

Candidates who go all-in but fall well short in Ames typically find it difficult to raise money, and without personal wealth to fall back on, Mr. Pawlenty decided to cut his losses and bow out. In addition, the entry of Texas Gov. Rick Perry into the race Saturday, combined with Minnesota Rep. Michele Bachmann’s victory in the straw poll, has shifted the focus to their expected battle for the hearts and minds of conservatives.

Good-bye, what’s his name, Tim Polenta or whatever. Hello, crazy lady and new "serious candidate" guy, Rick Perry. The one who prayed to God for rain.

USA! USA! USA! USA!

So, while the mercury was rising in the cornfields deep fat fryers of bumblef**k Iowa, things were cooling off considerably for a one, Barack Obama, whose popularity has plummeted thanks to a hellish economy and even more hellish Congress filled with hellish human teabags.

According to the latest Gallup Poll, Barack Obama's approval has fallen to 39%, his lowest presidential approval rate yet, putting him on par with adult onset diabetes, bumper-to-bumper traffic, heat rash, mowing your lawn with a small pair of dull scissors, and getting stuck in an elevator, marooned a deserted island, or just having to spend an extended period of time with any one of the lovely Republican presidential candidates, not including Tim Pawlenty, who falls somewhere between Ebola and the Plague.

But what ever should an increasingly unpopular politician do to raise cash money, when "being good at your job/saving the nation from catastrophe" just doesn't seem to cut it?

Umm, let's see, ask, "What Would Sarah Do?" then hightail it to the nearest bus depot, get behind the wheel of the biggest, most souped up, 18-wheeler tour bus available, paint a big, gaudy American flag right smack dab in the middle, and rumble aimlessly across the country, whoring yourself out for as much money and attention as possible.

Oh look, he's already got one of Sarah Palin's tricks down pat. Blame everybody else for everything wrong all the time, every hour of every day, “as though your job depends upon it.”

From The Hill:

President Obama, itching to spend more time outside of Washington, begins a three-day bus tour of the Midwest on Monday afternoon in Minnesota.

Obama is expected to use the trip to highlight his own criticism of Congress and Washington as he increasingly looks to run against Washington in 2012 despite four years on the job in the Oval Office.

“During the debt-ceiling debate we were trapped here, it felt like, for many, many weeks,” White House communications director Dan Pfeiffer said Friday.

“He got his first trip out of Washington [last week] to Michigan, and he’s looking forward to traveling back home to Illinois, to Minnesota, and also, of course, to Iowa, which is a place that always has had a special connection with this president and this White House.”

See, Obama hates being nailed down at his job as much as the rest of the 9-5 schlubs in America. Well, other than pray-the-gay-away therapist/personal stylist exraordinaire/secret sausage king Marcus Bachmann, that is.

"If you're talking about a stunt, I don't think a stunt is what the American people are looking for," White House press secretary, Jay Carney, told reporters. "They're looking for leadership, and they're looking for a focus on economic growth and job creation."

By shoving thick tubular meat down their throats, we presume!

Michele Bachman Has A Secret Fashion Weapon Stashed In Her Closet & His Name Is Marcus Bachmann

Michele Bachmann may have a set of sparkling baby blues to kill for (try it, she dares you!) and a smokin' hot body to boot, but how does Rep. "Crazy Eye Candy" from Minnesota keep herself looking so fabulously fashionable??

Why, the secret styling weapon she keeps stashed inside her walk-in closet, of course!

From a 2006 Tribune article:

Shopping help comes from another quarter, as well. Before Vice President Dick Cheney's visit this past summer, Bachmann's husband, Marcus, hit the stores — "he's got a good sense of style" [she said] — and came home with "a sleek, simple hourglass dress with a yoke collar in winter white." He even bought a matching coat and shoes.

Ooooh, I bet he got Michele a cute li'l number too!

"Since I was a little girl, I either wore my mother's high heels or aspired to wear high heels," Michele explained.

OMG, what a coinkidink, same with Marcus! What are the chances!?

"I grew up in a very male-dominated home with three brothers and a dad who was a real outdoorsman," she said. It was only while attending law school that she became more clothes-conscious. Then came the '90s, "when I was pregnant with one child or another," she said. "I wasn't particularly stylish then."

C'mon Michy! Popping out precious li'l miracles of God every which way is the absolute perfect time for over-sized flannel shirts, faded high-waisted jeans, and MC Hammer pants.

"I dress fairly simply," she said. "I like clean lines. I like solid colors. But I like an outfit to have a little kick." For inspiration, she looks to Audrey Hepburn and Jackie Onassis -- and indeed, the pale pink suit and gloves she wore for President Bush's fundraising visit in August seemed a flashback to Camelot.

That choice was inspired by a girlfriend who owned "a darling pink suit" that she had bought at Herberger's. Bachmann thought it was the special outfit that the event required, "so my girlfriend went to get an identical one at the store's sidewalk sale," she said. "For $39!"

God that Marcus really is a lifesaver!

But it wasn't until her election to the Minnesota State Senate that the 5-foot-1 Bachmann felt compelled to "take a little more care with how I looked."

"I have a very lean wardrobe," she said. "I get hand-me-downs from my mother, who also does a lot of garage-saling. On occasion, I'll go to Nordstrom's Petites and get something for full price, but only if I think I'll get four or five years' wear out of it."

By then Marcus is more than happy to take if off her hands. He's such a good girlfriend, wife, husband!

Oy Vey! Like Everything Else, Michele Bachmann Works Up The Nerve To Say "Chutzpah" In The Most Idiotic Way Possible

Michele Meshugana Bachmann went on her favoritest Fox News for the third time in one week not to talk about her homosexual husband's tendency to listen to struggling men talk about their terrible same-sex attractions all day long (for Jesus!) and also to once again remind the world why anyone too dumb and crazy to complete a coherent thought should probably never be in charge of anything, let alone the actual United States of America.

But instead of just giving her predictably asinine thoughts about how defaulting on our debt will do nothing to hurt U.S. credit ratings because "we have the money to pay it" (psst: even if we don't really pay it) and Jesus said we're too big to fail, Michele decided to go ahead and offend Yiddish-speaking bubbies across this great nation.

Oy Vey!

"It more fashionable for the president to scare people and say the sky is about to fall, we're gonna lose our credit rating. No we won't, we have plenty of money to pay it, just pay it, take that issue off the table..."

Yes, ma'am!

"Here's the big issue. The president doesn’t want to have to be confronted with priorities in spending, because he has a lot of chutzpah."

Except she pronounces "chutzpah" "shoot-spa" because apparently Michele has only ever heard of Jews, she has never actually heard Jews (they probably aren't allowed in MN-06!).

Besides, "Shoot-spa" is what Michele calls the rifle range. Ya know, the place that normal, decent, non-Jewish Americans go to relieve stress from cartoonishly closeted hubbies flitting about every which way, or making humiliating mispronunciation gaffes of Jewish-y words on national teevee. National Jew-run teevee!

Oh well. It's like they always say, better goy than gay!

Wonder how she pronounces, "My husband is a "faygala?"

Michele Bachmann Signs "Marriage Pledge" To Stay Away From Porn, Gays & Revert To The Good Ol' Days Of Slavery

Aspiring Insane-Person-in-Chief and tragic illiteracy victim Michele Bachmann will not sign dumb, 1000+ page bills helping stupid poor people (or pesky sick kids) get health care, mostly because she's too busy channeling her lovely kindred spirit serial killing clown John Wayne Gacy and also because anything over three pages double spaced 16-point font makes her very uncomfortable. Like gay people uncomfortable!

What she will do, however, is sign one of those ridiculous pledge things, like say one called "The Marriage Vow," where she promises to never make sinful sexytime with her husband (haha like he has "straight people" sex anyway!), defend the sacred union of one miserable man to one miserable woman like Jesus intended, hate Islam, and pop out as many precious li'l miracles of God as a porn-less, loveless marriage with a closet case will allow.

Unfortunately, like most things Michele Bachmann is involved with, but has no idea what the hell she is doing or saying, this particular Marriage Vow pledge was also slightly problematic, probably because the very first point of the pledge makes some terribly racist statement about how it was better to be born a black child of slaves than a black child under Barack Obama.

“Slavery had a disastrous impact on African-American families, yet sadly a child born into slavery in 1860 was more likely to be raised by his mother and father in a two-parent household than was an African-American baby born after the election of the USA’s first African-American President,” is the first bullet point on the vow's preamble.

Nothin' wrong there, amiright?

Oh, what, like that's a big deal!

See the thing is all the distasteful, awful stuff about the advantages of slavery for black youth was only in the preamble, which apparently doesn't count as part of the actual document, because like, c'mon, who actually reads those silly things anyway?

Certainly not Michele Bachmann!

In her nutty world, "We the people...have no use for preambles."

From Politico:

A Bachmann spokeswoman said earlier Saturday that reports the congresswoman had signed a vow that contained the slavery language was wrong, noting it was not in the “vow” portion.
“She signed the ‘candidate vow,’ ” campaign spokeswoman Alice Stewart said, and distanced Bachmann from the preamble language, saying, “In no uncertain terms, Congresswoman Bachmann believes that slavery was horrible and economic enslavement is also horrible.”

But not quite as horrible as aligning yourself with a faux "family values" wingnut hate group that spells its name “FAMiLY LEADER.” Or for that matter, as horrible as being someone who is so against gay marriage, she ended up in one!

Either way, Michele Bachmann is officially the first presidential candidate (if we can even call her that) to sign this dumb thing, created by The Family Leader and it’s Chief Executive Officer of Ridiculous-Sounding Names, Bob Vander Plaats.

Presidential candidates who sign the pledge must agree to personal fidelity to his or her spouse, the appointment of “faithful constitutionalists” as judges, opposition to any redefinition of marriage, and prompt reform of uneconomic and anti-marriage aspects of welfare policy, tax policy and divorce law.
The Marriage Vow also outlines support for the legal advocacy for the federal Defense of Marriage Act, humane efforts to protect women and children, rejection of Sharia Islam, safeguards for all married and unmarried U.S. military service members, and commitment to downsizing government and the burden upon American families.
In addition, candidates are asked to recognize that “robust childrearing and reproduction is beneficial to U.S. demographic, economic, strategic and actuarial health and security.”

Okay ladies, toss off those burqas, throw away your Korans, and start popping out all the babies you can fit inside you, for America.

And then elect Michele Bachmann for president of the UNiTED STATES of America Jesus so she can take this country back from whoever ran away with it.

A literate, charming black man whose fine chocolate ass a certain M. Bachmann cannot stop obsessing over every waking hour of every day.

No, no not Michele, silly! Heavens forbid! We're talking about her husband, Marcus of course!

New York Says I Do To Gay Marriage, While Republicans Say I Don't To Any & All Rational Thought

OMG, people, GAY is now officially legal in New York!

They're here, they're queer, and they're coming to a gift registry near you!

Now that New York has reclaimed the mantle of progress and equality from it's once-hip, now tragically Mormon, Prop 8 populated friend, California, and become the sixth state to give those pesky gays the right to get married and become as miserable and lame as their heterosexual counterparts, what does this mean for the rest of us?

Should we be happy that freedom, liberty, equal protection under the law, and all the good stuff we looooove saying about America is finally, at least sort of true, instead of just some empty, meaningless, RAH RAH slogan that makes us feel good about ourselves?

Or is it really true what the Republicans have said during culture wars past?

That the biggest threat to America are nice gay and lesbian couples who already live together and share a bank account who would also like to be able to visit each other in the hospital and file joint tax returns and enjoy all the rest of the 1,400 plus rights and privileges afforded to normal, decent opposite sex married couples by destroying the sacred union of one Brittney Spears + one backup dancer + one Elvis impersonator in holy matrimony at the 24-hour Chapel 'O Love on the Vegas strip.

Not to mention all the other terrible things that are going to happen, thanks to "gay marriage," like all of New York's impressionable young children turning gay (wait, or is it artsy?) and everyone getting gay divorced, like the rest of the sacred, morally pure, Jesus approved, blessed unions with the proper penis-to-vagina ratios.

Amiright? Who's with me? Where my Republicans at?

Oh, looky here, it's America's #1 marriage sanctity expert, thrice-divorced white-haired wonder Newt Gingrich, giving his righteous opinion on proper marriage etiquette like the right way to leave your cancer-stricken wife for a much younger, much hotter, trophy wife you can parade around, not tend to while they lay dying in a hospital bed. Boring!

But, seriously, couldn't they just leave well enough alone?

“In our state, we’re going to continue to pursue civil unions,” first-term Republican New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie said. “I am not a fan of same-sex marriage. It’s not something that I support.”

“I believe marriage should be between one man and one woman. I wouldn’t sign a bill like the one that was in New York.”

Unless, he added, it was thick sliced, piled high on warm, fresh baked artisan bread, smothered in cheese, slathered in mayonnaise, preferably chipotle spiced, and wrapped in hearty, thick-cut bacon, like the good Lord intended

Then maybe we could make an exception.

Besides, if all gross gays were allowed to get gross gay married wherever they so pleased, who knows what would happen next?

Michele Bachmann might never have been born because her mommy and daddy were too busy getting their same-sex on with the maid and gardener, respectively.

And then she would never have been popping babies out like a human pez dispenser, and adopting foster children the way you and I buy bulk paper towels at Costco.

Then maybe she could remember all the different voices in her head, so the next time she is asked about the gays getting married, she'll remember the correct answer is not that states can legalize gay marriage if they want to. Bad Michele Voice #2, Bad! But rather that America needs one of those federal constitutional amendments to stop the gays from gaying all over the place or trying to eat Michele with innocent questions in restrooms, or whatever it is they do.

But nooooooooo. Thanks to the pesky gays getting all gay marriagey, Michele Bachmann is forced to kick off her presidential campaign in Waterloo, Iowa, because of its geographic significance or just because she's an idiot.

"Well what I want them to know is just like, John Wayne was from Waterloo, Iowa. That's the kind of spirit that I have, too."

Unfortunately that spirit is less the "beloved movie star" John Wayne and more the "killer homosexual clown who raped and murdered 33 teenage boys in the 1970s," John Wayne Gacy.

Ah yes, fuck gay rights! The holy matrimony of infidelity, gluttony, and batshit insanity is a beautiful thing.

Unlike stupid, gross equality. That's just gay.

Sounds Fishy: Michele "Crazy Eyes" Bachmann Nearly Eaten By Lesbians In 2005

Now that Michele Bachmann has officially tossed her hat into the presidential ring as the latest, greatest Republican to humiliate themselves on national teevee, make Mitt Romney look electable, get crushed by Obama in the general elections, America can rest easy knowing that the good Lord Jesus Christ will guide His chosen candidate, everyone's favorite Minnesota hellwoman Michele Bachmann, to certain victory.

He's done it before! C'mon, how the hell else do you think some certifiably crazy lady from the middle of frozen nowhere could actually get elected to anything, except maybe the local psych ward, let alone the freakin' U.S. Congress, without a little help from above?

Of course, it doesn't hurt that among Michele Bachmann's many special talents is the uncanny ability to transform innocent Q&A sessions with constituents into her own personal traumatizing 9/11 terrorist attack.

Like back in 2005, when Bachmann was running for state senate and met with voters to discuss various issues, including her staunch opposition to gross gays doing gross things like getting gross gay married. After the talk, a lesbian couple who happened to be attendance "wanted to discuss certain issues further" (as many constituents do), which in Michele Bachmann's deranged mind sounded more like "attack of the killer lesbian zombie robot from outer space." So Michy did what every politician does when a voter asks a simple question, and ran for her life, shrieking at the top of her lungs.

The Daily Beast reports:

A few dozen people showed up at the town hall for the April 9 event, and Bachmann greeted them warmly. But when, during the question and answer session, the topic turned to gay marriage, Bachmann ended the meeting 20 minutes early and rushed to the bathroom. Hoping to speak to her, [Pamela] Arnold and another middle-aged woman, a former nun, followed her.

As Bachmann washed her hands and Arnold looked on, the ex-nun tried to talk to her about theology. Suddenly, after less than a minute, Bachmann let out a shriek. “Help!” she screamed. “Help! I’m being held against my will!”

Pamela Arnold, who is just over 5 feet tall, was stunned, and hurried to open the door. Bachmann bolted out and fled, crying, to an SUV outside. Then she called the police, saying, according to the police report, that she was “absolutely terrified and has never been that terrorized before as she had no idea what those two women were going to do to her.”

The Washington County attorney, however, declined to press charges, writing in a memo, “It seems clear from the statements given by both women that they simply wanted to discuss certain issues further with Ms. Bachmann.”

Well that's exactly it! It's not the terrible gays she has a problem with, its unscripted questions she's violently afraid of.

"What an amazing imagination," marveled Pamela Arnold. "Her ideology is so powerful that she can construct a reality just on a moment's notice."

Only when she forgets to take her medicine, my friend, only when she forgets to take her medicine.

Some people call it crazy, but these days, you can just call it Republican!

Michele Bachmann: Media Reporting All The Dumb Things I Say Either Proves Liberal Bias, Or That I Am Just An Idiot

Insane Minnesota hellwoman Michele Bachmann knows a few things. Okay, okay, so maybe not where the 1775 battles of Lexington and Concord were fought (Massachusetts, not New Hampshire) or even which state was the one with "the shot heard around the world," (Again, Massachusetts, not New Hampshire), or what the hell New Hampshire is anyway, but that doesn't mean she doesn't love America with all her Jesus-blessed star-spangled heart.

Psst, New Hampshire is the state where the United States Marines raised the flag at Iwo Jima, Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin landed on the moon, and of course, Ronnie Reagan declared once and for all, for Mr. Gorbachev to tear down that wall!

"I made a mistake," she said. "I should've said Massachusetts instead of New Hampshire."

Coulda, shoulda, woulda!

It was an honest mistake, of course, one anyone could make, including a certain terrible no-good Socialist Muslim Terrorist from Kenya, but you would never know about that because "the 3,400 members of the mainstream media are a part of the Obama press contingent."

The God damn arugula eating liberal elitists!

Asked if she was surprised by news reports on her gaffe, Bachmann replied,  "No, not at all. We all know that there's a double standard in the media."

Aww snap! You better believe it!

Bachmann highlighted moments when President Barack Obama misspoke as a candidate. In one instance, in May 2008, then-Sen. Obama said, “Over the last 15 months, we’ve traveled to every corner of the United States. I’ve now been in 57 states? I think one left to go.”
Later in the day, Obama told reporters that he misspoke.
Bachmann suggested that helps prove a liberal media bias.
“Of course, that wasn’t considered newsworthy,” she said of Obama’s remarks.

Ummm, really? Are you sure about that, Mich? Because that whole totally ignored-by-the-mainstream-media “Obama says there are 57 states” thing turns up about 15,900,000 results on Google. But, "Michele Bachmann is a nutjob" only yields about 36,100 Google search results. So, what the H-E-Double Hockey Sticks is going on??

This could only mean one thing: there is a widespread pro-Michele Bachmann bias in the evil, elitist Jew-run mainstream radical Muslim homosexual media, and Peter King and the rest of the Grand Old Patriots must immediately investigate all non-white skinned people, shoot all the dirty immigrants, and defund Planned Parenthood before NObama's roving Socialist death panels murder Grandma, the Constitution is replaced by the Koran, and every last U.S. citizen is sold into slavery under Sharia Law.

"So it doesn't matter which conservative is out there, if an error is made, in any way, that is what is stated. They didn't talk about the great crowds, the standing ovations, the wonderful time that we had in New Hampshire. And that is just the way that it goes."

Sigh...

Ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, I give to you the one and only, Michele Bachmann: "Making Sarah Palin Look Presidential Since 2010."

And that is just the way it goes!

Foot, Meet Mouth: Six Reasons Why The GOP Doesn't Need Deep Sea Oil Rigs To Spew Toxic Goo From Gaping Holes

If you thought BP was the only one spillin' baby spillin' toxic oily goo uncontrollably out of big, leaking holes, think again my friends!

Never underestimate the Grand Oil Puppets' uncanny ability to take a national disaster of epic proportions, and use the tragedy for their own personal and political gain by saying something even more flammable, noxious, and vomit-inducing than millions of gallons of luxurious crude oil pouring into America's once thriving coastal shores.

Ladies and germs, I present you with the top six slick GOP oil spill slip-ups, not involving dead marine mammals and/or feathered carcasses washin' up along America's now deadly beaches, but rather thick gunk oozing from the deep wells between their noses and chins.

Drum roll, please!

1. Rand Paul
Rand Paul has gone AWOL from the lamestream media, likely because every time he opens his big fat trap to anyone with a mic, he ends up saying something awful about how (even though he's not racist or anything, and loooooves the Civil Rights Act of 1964), the big bad govern'ent should keep their grubby paws out of the private sector and stop forcing nice, American businesses to not be terrible and racist. Like, if Woolworth's wants to force black people to eat at separate lunch counters and/or put up a big, ol’ Whites Only sign on their front door, who is the dumb, stupid evil government to tell 'em otherwise?

Same goes for that terrible NObama pesterin' the good folks over at BP who want nothing more than to be left to their own noble oil-dumpin', marine-destroyin' devices!

"What I don't like from the president's administration is this sort of, 'I'll put my boot heel on the throat of BP,'" Paul said in an interview with ABC's Good Morning America. "I think that sounds really un-American in his criticism of business."

Why, America hasn't been this unpatriotic since rudely throwing off the nice British yoke back in 1776, around the time "Doctor" Rand Paul's beliefs were actually still fashionable. Umm, can you say Rand Paul for President of America? Errr, better make that of pure, white America...you can go ahead and keep dem coloreds to yourself, we're sure ol' Rand won't mind one Libertarian bit.

2. Michele Bachmann
Everyone's favorite unstable Minnesota hellwoman Michele Bachmann knows a thing or two 'bout takin' a terrible tragedy and turnin' it into a golden wingnut opportunity to blast that no-good half-black Kenyan Devil in the White House for taking a completely irresponsible "hands off" approach to the oil crisis on "DAY ONE" when they should have been all over that sh*t, like umm, well, British Petroleum on American beaches.

Ol' Minnesota blue eyes simply does not understand why the government was "nowhere to be found" after the Deepwater Horizon rig exploded (pssst, Michele you have to actually open your eyes, not rely on the power of Jesus to see) since in reality, Obama and Co., arrived within hours of the disaster. But no one knows better than Bachmann what a drag truth and facts can be, not to mention, they are inherently un-American and against the Constitution in her head.

Which is why she would like to know just why on God's (once-green) Earth the government hadn't put on their Socialist Scuba gear and "commandeered" privately-owned boats to "deal with that oil plume as it was coming up to the water."

Oh, Michy why don't you be a dear, throw on the ol' flippers and wetsuit, and dive on down to Deepwater to plug that darned hole with your own perfectly capable, freshly manicured, Christ-guided hands. Don't worry, your makeup is water resistant (and animal-tested!) plus there's no gross slimy fish, or living creatures of any sort to bother you on your way down to the dark abyss below.

Just think of it as a practice run for your next eternal plunge to the dank netherworld far beneath the surface of the Earth. Don't forget to say hi to your hero and favoritest freedom fighter while you're there. No, not Jesus of Nazareth, silly! Your other savior, Hitler of Bavaria!
 
3. Sarah Palin
When not tweetbookin' bout drillin' baby drillin', America's beloved former half-term Governor of tundras and moose is busy blamin' baby blamin' the usual suspects like extreme greenies and other hippie-dippie environmental enemies of Mother Earth for spillin, baby spillin' up 'n down America's shores.

Maybe for her next great, Pulitzer-worthy piece of American literature, $arah Palin can write all about how she single-handedly plugged the darn hole usin' nothin' but her magical diamond-encrusted, cotton-tipped, Jesus-blessed hockey stick and a hearty dose of that good, ol' fashioned can-do 'merican spirit.

Miss Bachmann better get goin' lest some other brainless beauty from the snowy north beat her to the bottom and steal her heroic, oil-pluggin' thunder! They don't call her the Barracuda for nuthin'! Wink, wink!

4. Haley Barbour
Fat, dumb Mississippi Governor Haley Barbour isn't one to dwell on silly, insignificant little mistakes of the past, like enslaving an entire race to keep cotton costs low. It was simply savvy business maneuvers and everyone (or at least 3/5ths) knows what is good for business is good for America, slavery included! No thanks to those no-good Northern Aggressors always tryin' to tell decent Southern folk how to build up their economy, without even chaining human beings to the bottom of boats and giving them the unique, one-of-a-kind opportunity to be sold at bargain basement prices to the highest bidder. A real steal!

Same goes for silly li'l nothing oil spills, which Barbour knows is nothing like Exxon-Valdez (ugh, sounds Mexicany), but more like delicious caramel mousse, harmless toothpaste, and the pretty fuel sheen surrounding speed boats.

"We don't wash our face in it, but it doesn't stop us from jumping off the boat to ski," Barbour said.

Of course, the biggest threat to Mississippi's coast has been the arugula eating elitist mainstream media's coverage of the spill, givin' people the wrong  impression that "the coast from Florida to Texas is ankle-deep in oil, which is of course very, very bad for our tourist season," the most importantist thing in the world!

"It may be hard for the viewer to understand but the worst thing for us has been how our tourist season has been hurt by the misperception of what is going on down here. The Mississippi Gulf Coast is beautiful. As I tell people, the coast is clear, come on down!"

"Come on down here and play golf, enjoy the beach, catch a fish and pay a little sales tax while you're here," he said.

Just don't forget your hazmat suits, goo-gone, protective goggles, and industrial size bucket to put all the delicious oil-infused fish you catch scoop up from the beach.

But remember those babies sure do burn, so use caution when tossin' the day's catch on the barbie, or you may have your very own Deepwater explosion right in your own backyard. For America, wooohooo!

5. John Boehner
House Minority Leader John Boehner is just thankful something besides his face has finally turned a oddly glowing, likely toxic, unnatural shade of orange even if it is America's entire Gulf Coast, that he is ready to let bygones be bygones. Enough of this petty blame game (except when directed towards those who deserve it like DEMONcrats and/or NObama)!

It is time to move forward and act like responsible, mature adults when flip-flopping and contradicting oneself in order to simultaneously appease Big Oil, the overlords in the Chamber of Commerce, and of course the nagging public who keep cryin' poor every time the GOP tries to take their hard-earned taxpayer money to pay for the greasy death 'n destruction their their awesome, slick, hands-off deregulation of beloved oil conglomerates caused. Whoops!

Hey, nobody's perfect right?

Err, except the world's greatest oil company, and most skilled man-made disaster cleanup crew ever assembled: no, not BP, the Glowing Orange Party, of course!

6. Joe Barton

Which naturally brings us to our final Southern fried f**k up, good ol' Joe Barton of good ol' Texas. A wondrous, brilliant man whose world-famous apology to the poor, misunderstood CEO of BP Tony Hayward is only one small piece of this man's stellar record of public service.
Besides the Saints and Samaritans at BP, no one stands up for the rights of the "small people" more than Grand Old Pariah, fightin' Joe Barton. And by small people, we of course mean the poor, innocent victims of NObama's evil $20 billion government shakedown, forced to pay out of their own endless pockets to cover the hefty costs of covering an entire ocean with delicious crude oil, imported all the way from Britain! Is this any way to treat a guest??

"I think it is a tragedy of the first proportion that a private corporation can be subjected to what I would characterize as a shakedown, in this case a $20 billion shakedown," Barton said. "I'm only speaking for myself, I'm not speaking for anybody else. But I apologize. I do not want to live in a country where any time a citizen or a corporation does something that is legitimately wrong, is subject to to some sort of political pressure that is, again, in my words, amounts to a shakedown. So I apologize."

I mean what kind of world would it be, if every time some greedy, out-of-control oil conglomerate tries to get sinfully rich by destroying an entire ecosystem, they're actually held responsible for their reckless actions turning boring blue to luscious black?

Why that sounds like a nightmare, a hellish doomsday vision that Joe Barton for one, wants no part of and nothing, I said, nothing, is gonna change ever change that, ever!

He has principles, people! The kind that may top kill Flipper, Flounder, and every last coastal fisherman's livelihood, but doesn't stop spillin' baby spillin' the only kind of green worth anything (it ain't algae!) right into his big, fat, oily fingers.

What's that you say?? Oh, ooops, we're terribly sorry!

Smithers, get this man a napkin, on the double! For Christ's sake, he's got some very important tweetin' to do and doesn't need any greasy smudge stains or oily fish remains screwing up his fine, wisdom-filled, 140 character-limited, apology-laden messages.

Joe is perfectly capable of doing that all by his own greasy, toxic, limited character self!

And unlike BP, he doesn't even need to dive several miles beneath the sea to plug the gaping hole uncontrollably spewing toxic waste.

God purposely located it for maximum plugging convenience. In case of emergency, like say, whenever he opens his mouth.

Bachmann Palin Overdrive: "Take That, Liberals!"

Two of the leading conservative minds in the country, former half-term governor Sarah Palin and current full term nutjob Michele Bachmann, descended on the Land o' Lakes to dazzle the crowds with their intellectual prowess, and remind America why two heads are better than one, especially when whatever they're lacking in brains, is more than made up for by their two very large, lipsticked mouths.

And dazzle they did! Sarah with her daring fashion statement of wearing the entire Zales jewelry counter around her neck and wrists, and lovely Michelle with her equally stunning ability to morph into a walking, talking highlighter.

Together the two gal pals offered the thousands of adoring fans all the red meat, racist rhetoric, rah-rah rallying cries and rollicking good cheer, teabaggers just can't get enough of!

Like how these two fiery femme fatales became fast friends--two peas in a pod, birds of a feather, a pair of matching bookends (if either of them actually knew how to read).

"She is so much one of us," Bachmann said of Palin, "And as absolutely drop dead gorgeous this woman is on the outside, I'm here to testify that she is 20 times more beautiful on the inside."

Oooh, la la la, more lesbian bondage from the right? Sounds like someone's got what it takes to be a Young Eagle...

And Palin of course had nothing but the best to say about her sweet snow princess Michele in return.

"I knew that we’d be buddies when I met her when she said, 'Drill here, drill now.' And then I replied, 'Drill, baby, drill' and then we both said, 'You betcha!'"

And then we both simultaneously tossed our hair all sexy like, gave our bestest, knowing winks, and blew on the red hot smokin' pistols that were really our fingers, and promised we'd never ever use full sentences (without droppin' letters) or speak coherent phrases like liberal elitists again!

And then everyone got a little dumber for having witnessed this.

"2010 is shaping up to be the year that conservative women stand up to take back the country," Sarah exclaimed, before launching into the usual worshiping of Bachmann and assorted other nutballs without balls (aka lunatics with ovaries), whom she likened to the pink elephant in the GOP campaign.

"Someone had better tell Washington that that pink elephant is on the move, and Michele is leading the stampede," Palin said.

Pssst: Those purple unicorns better watch out!

As is customary of the teabagging crowd, who just loooove to wear their unique brand of patriotism (racism?) on their sleeves, chest, and wherever else pins, slogans, and swastika patches go, many in the audience wore buttons with side-by-side images of their favoritest two females, Palin and Bachmann, exactly the creations God envisioned when he sprung Eve from Adam's rib.

Betty Soban, an avid admirer of Bachmann's, said, "My family left Germany because of Hitler and socialized medicine. I see it happening here."

God damn Hitler and his murderous desire to insure all Germans with the best health care available, especially the Jews, Gypsies, queers, commies, intellectuals, disabled, and elderly who didn't even need to worry about health care anymore, they were in such good hands.

Important to her, she said, are "freedom of ownership ('cept over our uteruses), freedom of our guns, freedom of having babies."

Like li'l angel and teenage hero Bristol Palin!

Of course, Bachmann wasted no time reminding the crowd all about her soothsaying abilities, proclaiming her dire warnings about NObama's deviant plot all the way back in 2008.

"I said I had very serious concerns that Barack Obama had anti-American views, and now I look like Nostradamus." In drag?

Or if he came back as a woman dressed as a fluorescent Sharpie.

"You better believe it, baby. Repeal is what this girl is going to be all about after November," she said, channeling her Nostradamus like ability to predict that the midterm elections will sweep Republicans back in to power in the U.S. House. "We're about repealing all of Obama-care."

And sending that illegal Muslim terrorist back where he belongs, Kenya or Korea or whatever.

"Two years from now, Obama will be a one-term president," Bachmann said, "because we are going to elect the boldest, strongest, most courageous, rock-ribbed, constitutional conservative president this country has ever seen."

Reagen's spirit as channeled through Nancy? Or better yet, Jesus as channeled through moi!

In an effort to combat any post Palin-Bachmann lovefest hysteria and/or congressional death threats, Democrats were quick to dismiss Barbie's brunette hell twins as fringe lunatics nobody takes seriously anyway, saying "the outrageous lies" of Palin and Bachmann "have become the stuff of legend."

Like Bigfoot or the Loch Ness Monster.

And then the two legends went home, killed the delicious moose giving birth out back, tossed it on the griddle (cause that's why God made meat!), and talked about their usual favorite topics: beautiful baby fetuses, the evil homosexual conspiracy, the thrill of a still-smokin' shotgun, the myth that is climate change, and why Jesus chose them as his personal messengers here on Earth. In other words, had themselves a real American ladies night!

And sorry, Michael Steele, no Young Eagles allowed. Or big pimpin' RNC Chairmen either.

Fun Facts: Special Literal Edition!

Ooooh, everybody loves fun facts! Literally. Everybody.

Did you know?

• Beautiful blue-eyed bombshell Michele Bachmann is literally Nostradamus (with ovaries!) because she correctly predicted that Barack Obama is literally Hitler or at the very least, any one of the other notoriously evil monsters of humanity over the last oh, two centuries or so.

• And also Obama is literally a King or Emperor or any other type of ruler, preferably despotic, because he regulates bank and helps poor people not die—the two all-time favoritest pastimes of all tyrants of humanity since the dawn of civilization when Adam and Eve were tricked by the evil serpent, likely one of Obama's forefathers, to taste the forbidden apple and kicked out of Eden. Forever.
  

• President Obama literally wants to be Sarah Palin because he too sports a sexy black leather jacket when goin' rogue on secret missions to Afghanistan to yell at corrupt leaders of fledgling countries and wow the crowds with his charming smile, some well-placed winks, and mastery of the English language. All without even looking at the palm of his hand! Ugh, show off!
  

• Anyone who predicted Joe Biden would at some point in the very near future say or do something outrageously stupid to embarrass himself, the president, or anyone with the ability to blush in shameful humiliation, is literally a genius. So, congratulations, Einsteins, you have unearthed the very purpose Joe Biden's whole existence! Awww, don't be modest, it's a big f*cking deal!

• Big pimpin', phat 'n fresh RNC Chairman Michael Steele is bringing sexy back to the GOP--and not just in the form of one-armed midgets and Stephen Baldwin! Word is the Steele man is trying to get the hip hop Party of Youth back to its old school Republican roots by droppin' scrilla (dollar dollar bills y'all!) at hoity toity S&M sex clubs featuring bondage and women slaves in dog collars doing lesbiany things to each other. Family values are literally HOTTTTTTT!!! Freedom's the sh*t, for reals, yo!
  

Holy Duo Glenn Beck And Steve King Know A Health Care Vote On Sacred Sunday Means A Beautiful Angel Will Die

Rep. Steve King Doin' God's Work Per Usual

With the Congressional Budget Office (CBO) dropping the ATOMIC BOMB that the DEMONcrats' evil health care reform bill will reduce the deficit by $130 billion over the next ten years ($1.2 trillion over 20 years), and extend coverage to 32 million currently uninsured Americans, the dominoes are finally falling into place for Congressional Dems to move ahead and actually vote on this terrible holocaust of the poor, hardworking insurance industry this coming Sunday. Heavens forbid!

Which naturally means the dominoes on the other side of the aisle--who were already hanging by the slightest of threads--are finally falling apart.

Well, blue-eyed angels of mercy Glenn "I am Sam" Beck and Iowa Rep. Steve "Bachmann Wants On This" King, are not about to sit back and have mental breakdowns all by themselves, in the privacy of their own large, spacious homes, where no one can hear their pained cries of liberty lost. No sir-ee!

They're taking their instability straight to the people, expressing their dual outrage in sweet, collective harmony on Glenn Beck's radio show over the terrible news that the House might vote on health care reform this Sunday, the holiest of holy days!

The day the good Lord intended us to rest, not cast unholy votes on Satanic legislation to help dumb poor people not die, while rich fat cat insurance execs can get that sumptuous leopard fur coat with the alligator-skin lining they've been eying for years. Positively drooling over!

Rep. Steve King, for one, will not stand for such sacrilege, and is naturally taking his crusade to the airwaves.

"They intend to vote on the Sabbath, during Lent, to take away the liberty that we have right from God..."

Oh, you didn't know? Like most GOPers, Steve King has a personal relationship with Lord & Savior Jesus Christ.

"Faith has been perverted," Beck responded, then repeated. "They are going to vote for this damn thing on a Sunday, which is the Sabbath, during Lent."

Of course they would, the heretic bastards! Putting people's lives before the Sabbath, it's just sick. Waaaaaaaaay sicker than the millions of people in desperate need of the kind of Nazi coverage this Judas bill would provide.

"Here is a group of people that have so perverted our faith and our hope and our charity, that is a — this is an affront to God," Beck said.

Though Beck conceded that he didn't believe the Sunday vote was consciously chosen as a plot against God, he did find the timing highly suspicious. Though, that does tend to happen when you suffer from paranoid schizophrenia.

"I think it's absolutely appropriate that these people are trying to put the nail in the coffin on our country on a Sunday -- something our founders would have never, ever, ever done. Out of respect for God."

Never, neverr, nevvverrrr, nerrrrverrr, nerrrrrverrrrrr!!!!

Except for that one little time the Republican-controlled Senate convened on Palm Sunday (gasp!) in 2005 to save the only other life that matters to Republicans, besides a developing fetus: brain-dead women in permanent vegetative states, relying on the grace of God in the form of feeding tubes named Terri Schiavo.

Of course, that's totally different since everyone knows when Republicans do something, it is because God wills it, but when Democrats do the very same thing, it is because they are evil Nazis trying to destroy White, Christian America by turning it into a hedonist cesspool of sodomy and sin.

Kind of like when Glenn Beck told listeners last week to "run as fast as you can" from any church that preached "social or economic justice" because those were code words for Communism and Nazism, he really meant for them to flee on those other non-important days of the week, since God could care less about the the rest of the unconsecrated Monday-Friday week.

Sunday, on the other hand, is sacred, never to be soiled by Democratic infidels! I mean, when else can the Creator of Heaven and Earth throw back some brewskies while chillin' in his La-Z-Boy, catchin' some March Madness and not care who sees the Doritos crumbs all over his crisp white tunic?

On a depraved Monday?? Blasphemy!

Meet Allen Quist, Chief Commander of the GOP War on Democrats, Terror, and Reason

Oh Minnesota, how we adore thee. From your fertile land and bountiful lakes has sprung some of the most wondrous and sane civil servants this fair country ever been blessed with. Humble servants of the Lord like Rep. Michele "slit your wrists for freedom" Bachmann and God willing, (we're lookin' at you Jesus), Allen Quist, a Republican candidate seeking the nomination for Minnesota's 1st congressional district against Rep. Tim Walz, a terrible Democrat.

Much like beautiful, blue-eyed freedom warrior Michele, Allen Quist isn't just any attention-starved, desperate GOP candidate with a hard nose for terrorism and a soft spot for Jesus Christ.

You see, Quist understands something that most other Republicans simply do not (no, not that God created the Earth in six days): The real threat to America is not the terrorists, but something far, far worse: Democrats. Gasp!

"Now why am I doing this? I don't need to be in lights, I don't need to speak, I don't need to be before a TV camera, I don't need to be in the paper. I have been there, I have done all that. I don't need to be there," said Quist, a former state Representative who ran for governor twice in the 1990's.

"It's because I, like you, have seen that our country is being destroyed. I mean, this is--every generation has had to fight the fight for freedom. This is our fight. And this is our time. This is it. Terrorism, yes--but that's not the big battle. The big battle is in D.C., with the radicals. They aren't liberals, they're radicals. Obama, Pelosi, Walz--they're not liberals, they're radicals. They are destroying our country. And people all over are figuring that out."

Quist also railed against the health care reform bill to ruin America and put Grandma out of her misery.

"This is the most insidious, evil piece of legislation I have ever seen in my life… Every one of us has to be totally committed to killing this travesty...I have to kill this bill."

Move over Quentin. Kill Bill Vol. III, the Final Solution starring Allen Quist in theaters now.

Free teabags and authentic Barack Obama Kenyan birth certificate to first 100 ticket holders.

Who Needs The NFL When You Can Have Michele Bachmann's "Super Bowl Of Freedom?"

Minnesota's seductive but equally insane Representative from hell Michele Bachmann took a break from undressing "stunning" fellow aqua-eyed right-wing darling Rep. Steve King with her piercing baby blues before a packed House floor to promote her upcoming "Super Bowl of Freedom" involving not pigskin and padding but teabaggers and testosterone.

Bachmann is urging the true patriots among us--you know, those dedicated warriors willing to slit their wrists for freedom--to descend upon the steps of the Capitol like the plague of locusts sent straight from the Lord to demand Congress stop trying to destroy America by shoving affordable, quality health care down our not-even-sore throats.

"The only way they're going to listen is if real freedom-loving Americans come here to Washington noon on Thursday, look at the whites of the eyes of their members of Congress and say, 'Don't you remember, I told you don't take away my health care,'" she said.

And if that's not enough to get Joe six-pack and other freedom fighters off the couch, out of their trailers, and into action, perhaps the blinding star wattage of such conservative luminaries as Jon Voight might change their simple little minds. Ooooh, just think how proud Angie must be to call him Papa!

As if her House Republican-endorsed inside-the-Capitol tea party isn't exciting enough, Michele used the occasion to unveil the slick, new catch phrase she's been working on, sure to please even the most discerning nutjob. "Socialized medicine is the crown jewel of socialism. This will change our country forever."

And you my Belle are the crown jewel of psychopaths. Luckily, this won't change anything in any way whatsoever because mental health isn't anything freedom-loving capitalists need bother with, since a perfectly functioning health care system like ours doesn't extend to imaginary liberal maladies like mental illness.

How else would the Republican Party be in such tip-top shape and so mentally fit as to entrust the future of their dear party to this self-proclaimed fool for Jesus who answers only to the higher calling of her one true Lord and Savior Jesus Christ whenever He personally calls upon her to fulfill His divine mission here on Earth.

Let's just hope He reminded her to bring the Doritos.

Michele Bachmann Would Love To Be Queen To This "Stunning" King

Minnesota hellwoman Michele Bachmann may be willing to slit her wrists for freedom but turns out patriotic bloodletting isn't the only thing to get this right-wing raven all hot and bothered.

That my friends is up to kindred spirit and "stunning" fellow nutball Rep. Steve King of Iowa whose sexy baby blues and virulent homophobia is enough to melt the ice-cold heart of this seductively unstable Land O' Lakes vixen.

In fact, Michele Bachmann is so smitten with this anti-gay crusading, chiseled, stud muffin that she cannot use a single word to describe this sexy, rock-hard definition of manhood other than stunning.

Michele's latest eye-f**king of Mr. King occurred just this week on the House floor when she yielded to the "stunning" Representative from Iowa and proved to the world her true calling lies not in Congress but in low-budget pornography films where her and Steve would be free to strip amendments and filibuster each other all night long.

While Bachmann may not be ready or mentally balanced enough to make a White House run of her own, she does know one studly, testosterone-pumping beefcake of a man who would be a perfect candidate to get embarrassed in 2012.

"I have a very high opinion of Steve King and his ability, so I would encourage him to consider any position for higher office." Or any position where he's on top of her for that matter.

While Bachmann attributes the "stunning" nickname to the national media, political commentators and other such pundits and insiders, the ever-adorable congressman from Minnesota seems to be the only person actually using the stunning label to describe King.

Asshole, sure. Racist whackjob, maybe. Ignorant bigot, no doubt. But stunning? Eh, a quick search of Google and Lexis Nexis seems to prove that's reserved for Michele and Michele alone.

Let's examine the evidence:

I must have my cape on. To the stunning gentleman from Iowa, the great Steve King, I want to thank you for allowing me to be a part of this discussion that you're broaching. And you've done a wonderful job all week on different occasions talking about the true depth of this problem and the positive alternatives. --September 17, 2009

I could never hold a candle to the stunning Steve King of Iowa, so I thank you for deferring to me for a few minutes, and I am extremely grateful for the gentleman's comments on the floor so far this evening. --September 14, 2009

I want to thank so much my colleague, Steve King from Iowa -- the "stunning" Steve King of Iowa, as he is known in the mainstream media, so grateful for your advocacy, and also for that of Judge Gohmert. And Judge Gohmert, I trust that you're a hanging judge down in the State of Texas. --April 28, 2009

I thank the gentleman from Iowa, also known as the Stunning Steve King of Iowa, as stated by national political commentators, who certainly know what they are talking about. Steve King is one of our stalwart patriots who is here on the floor fighting on behalf of the American people. --March 24, 2009

I would like to add to the stunning Steve King from Iowa for his comment. --March 12, 2009

So basically one blue-eyed, raving madwoman wants to bang an equally insane ocean-eyed defender of all things Jesus, moral, and white.

What a stunning coincidence!!

Royally Screwed: The Crank Queen & Her Stunning King

The Kindred Spirits Of Joe Wilson And Michele Bachmann

She's baaaaaaaaaack! That other semi attractive but equally insane right wing darling not named Sarah Palin (but wishes she was), Minnesota hellwoman Rep. Michele Bachmann, is once again all fired up over the awful Democrats' mistreatment of conservative kindred spirit and total sweetheart Joe "You Lie" Wilson.

Much like the undeserved suffering she endures as a result of the vicious Democratic conspiracy to keep "strong" conservatives like her down, Michele Bachmann feels Joe Wilson's pain. And it hurts. A lot.

As long as those blasted Democrats are in power, strong-willed freedom fighters like her and ol' Joe will never be able to tell America to slit their wrists or blurt whatever crazy thoughts are on their mind at the most highly inappropriate moments.

This abuse cannot stand! So Michele is taking to the Internets to email her many, many (handfuls of) supporters to warn them about how brilliant minds like herself and Joe are being muzzled by America's dangerous slide towards socialism under NObama.

The Democrats are losing when it comes to a debate on the issues and on facts, so they have to resort to demonizing their opponents.

I was in Colorado recently and I made a speech on health care reform. I spoke for nearly 45 minutes about freedom and health care and our gangster government and the economy.

But, the Democrats just want to talk about one line where I said that we as freedom-loving conservatives must do all we can to stop this rush to socialism.

You mean that whole slitting wrists thing? Yeah, that was totally not a big deal.

The President's speech on Wednesday was just the same plan you have already rejected wrapped up in the President's charisma.

They can't argue on the facts or the issues, so they have to make it about personalities and they have to paint strong conservatives like me as evil, uninformed, or crazy. They simply can't understand that there are people out there like you that don't buy their policy prescriptions and that there are people like me who will stand up for you in Congress.

By embarrassing themselves shrieking obscenities at the President during prime time speeches and slitting their wrists in a warm bath of blood and insanity. For freedom!

The Higher Power Of Those In Power

For a country founded firmly on the separation of church and state, America's colorful flock of lawmakers and politicians sure know a thing or two about God almighty. Especially when it comes to asking his Holiness for all sorts of favors to help them in their mortal quests (whatever they may be).

Like hunky Florida Governor Charlie Crist whose close, personal relationship with God may or may not be what's responsible for keeping Florida safe from hurricanes and other scary storms since he took office in 2006.

Of course, Crist isn't trying to take credit for this miraculous phenomenon or anything (he'll leave that to God), but it just so happens that he's had prayer notes placed in the Western Wall in Jerusalem (the holiest Jewish place in the world!) each year he's been in office and not a single hurricane has dared hit Florida since.

Coincidence? I think not!

"Do you know the last time it was we had a hurricane in Florida?" Crist asked a group of real estate agents. "It's been awhile. In 2007, I took my first trade mission. Do you know where I went?"

To Israel, duh! Where he high-tailed it straight to the Western Wall to insert his personal note to the Creator to save Florida from nature's evil wrath.

"Dear God, please protect our Florida from storms and other difficulties. Charlie."

But that's not it! Every time someone, anyone, he knows goes to Israel, like Sen. Nan Rich last year and "a friend" this year, Charlie gives them a note--but not just any note, mind you. The SAME note with the SAME prayer as when he first tucked Florida's well-being in her holy cracks back in '07.

"You can do it on the Internet now, but I'd rather have it physically in there," Crist joked. He had decidedly less to say on the one golden rule religious leaders have about how "the note placed between the stones of the Western Wall are between a person and his maker. It is forbidden to read them or make use of them." Ugh, Rabbis can be so particular sometimes!

Who knows God's mysterious ways better than Minnesota's own deranged messenger of divinity, Michele Bachmann, whose presidential hopes depend on none other than the Supreme Being himself?

"If I felt that's what the Lord was calling me to do, I would do it," she said. "When I have sensed that the Lord is calling me to do something, I've said yes to it. But I will not seek a higher office if God is not calling me to do it."

What a gal! But some heretics and godless Democrats say this unstable GOP wonder woman doesn't have a prayer in hell to make it on the national political scene, but then again they don't have a personal relationship with El Savior now do they?

"They want to make sure no women, no woman becomes president before a Democrat woman and so they’re doing everything they can to, I think, sabotage women like Sarah Palin, perhaps women like myself, or similarly situated women, to make sure that we don’t have a prominent national voice."

Hey, no worries Michele. You know better than anyone that God will decide which crazy lady gets to be lady-president first, not a bunch of stupid voters (who know nothing of HIS work anyway).

Just look at Sarah Palin. She's not worried about such small, earthly concerns. Why would she be? Not when she has preacher Bishop Thomas Muthee of the Wasilla Assembly of God church protecting her from un-American threats like goblins, demons and "every form of witchcraft."

"Pastor Muthee was here and he was praying over me, and you know how he speaks and he's so bold," Sarah said. "And he was praying 'Lord make a way, Lord make a way' ... He said, 'Lord make a way and let her do this next step.' And that's exactly what happened."

It did! Except for the little fact that not even the main man himself (praise his name!) could save a certain elderly running mate from being embarrassed by an uppity young man named Barack Hussein Obama and his devoted throng of pious voters.

During a presidential rally for John McCain last October, Rev. Arnold Conrad called upon the good Lord to get involved in the campaign because, "There are millions of people around this world praying to their God—whether it's Hindu, Buddha, Allah—that his [McCain’s] opponent wins for a variety of reasons...And Lord I pray that you would guard your own reputation, because they’re going to think that their god is bigger than you, if that happens. So I pray that you would step forward and honor your own name in all that happens between now and Election Day."

Hmmm. Guess he must have gotten Him on Sunday.